Will someone rescue me?

Tell me you wont save him! Look into his eyes, now look at me and tell me you don’t want to save him!

I knew this would work eventually…and it did, like so may times before. We were both eight years old, best friends, even more…Stephan was the kind of friend who would have followed me to the moon and back.

-We’re not supposed to be here, Claudia…I’ll get in trouble because of you. And it’s also dangerous…

In a way, he was right. We were not supposed to be there. In the backyard of this abandoned house where the sun never seemed to shine. It was always dark, always shadowed, and our parents were very clear…

-You know what? If you’re so afraid, just go! But I wont let him die here! Just look into his eyes…he’s begging us to help him.

The white pigeon was fighting for his life. He was caught in the thick bush and, with every struggle, he got deeper. I raised my hand, trying to reach out to him…

-No, please don’t do that! I heard there are spiders in the bushes! With venom…have you heard of the black widow? A child died after being bitten…don’t touch the bush!

Then you do it…

My tactics didn’t seem to function so I changed my tone…

Stephan…you know you’re the bravest boy I ever known…that’s why I asked you to help me. I could have called Christian…oh, maybe I should have done this…but you’re my best friend, not him…Will you, please, help me? Like a real hero, like Superman…

Reluctantly, he got closer to the bush. Another brave move and the white pigeon was in my arms. Stephan had scratches on his arms and a feeling of victory in his eyes…

-His wing is broken. I’d better take him to my grandfather, he knows how to fix broken wings…

-But…can I see him? He’s my pigeon…can I visit him…? 

-Claudia, I…

-Where were you? And my pigeon? How could you take him away and not telling me anything about him? It’s almost a week since I…since we saved him!

-He’s not…

I’m coming to see him! Where is it? In your room? Give it to me right now!

-I don’t have it anymore…He…died…my grandfather couldn’t fix his wing…and I was grounded for going with you to the abandoned house!

Big tears in my eyes…He died…my white pigeon…

Did you bury him? Can I see…the grave? 

-I did not…It’s not my fault! My grandmother made soup…she said it’s good when you have a cold…and I…

What? You…disgusting cannibal! I hate you! I hope the spiders will catch you and the black widow will eat you! You’re not my friend anymore! You’re nothing but a cannibal!

He tried to explain but I ran. I cried all evening. I heard he cried too…

-Do you remember? You called me “a cannibal” and I was trying to explain that cannibal means something else. God, how I cried that day! I was grounded the whole month, no TV, no games, only school…worse than jail! If you knew how I hated you…

-I was so sorry for the way I treated you. I wanted to apologize, I searched for you but then you left…Do you realize that this happen almost 30 years ago? Look at you, you’re so changed…with your white coat, taking care of all these sick animals…

-I know…I recognized your eyes…the same big green eyes…always a little scared, always a little defiant…

-That’s me, the rebel! So, am I forgiven for calling you a cannibal? Friends…again? Hey, Superman…remember?

He laughed and, for a moment, beyond the serious and professional aspect, beyond the gray hair and the eyeglasses I saw the little boy…

-Well, it’s a long time since anyone called me…Superman… so I guess it’s a good start.

 

If you can’t love me…lie to me

“White roses in her hair and her childlike smile, she looked like an angel…”

He had a melancholic smile and his blue eyes were filled with tears. I just stood there, listening, thinking that his story should be a novel…a love letter…a song…He wiped away his tears, looking at my daughter.

“Forgive an old man…tears come so much easier lately. Here…take them…these roses, I planted them in my garden and loved them as I would love her…my Theresa. And you, little miss…you look just like her.”

I wanted to pay for the roses, but he didn’t even wanted to see the money…

“How could I take money for them? Can you buy a soul? Or can you buy love?”

I asked him to tell me more…he smiled.

“She was 15 and I was 17…young and foolish. I loved her but, back then, in times of war and hunger, love wasn’t a priority…Her family had bigger plans for her…I told you she was beautiful…eyes like the clear sky, hair like the golden sunflower…Me, just another 17 years old fool, like so many others who fell for her. She liked white roses…”.

He stopped for a moment, trying to find his strength…looking at the sky.

“The storm is coming. I shouldn’t keep you and your little princess…Here, I have a picture…that’s how they made pictures back then…”

The picture was unclear and yellow and it looked more like a painting. A girl with long blond hair, smiling, a rose in her hand…

“Do you see the resemblance? I stole this from her home, after she…was taken away…Her parents accused me…but…was it my fault? I would give my life…a thousand lives…to change things…Our last encounter…that cursed morning…Do you want to know?”

I nodded, unable to speak, feeling like, in any moment, I would cry too…

“I was leaving…going to war. I met her behind her house, in our secret place. I asked her if she loves me. She said no. But she was laughing, like it were a joke, playing with me. I asked her again and this time I was desperate: I am leaving to war. When I come back, will you marry me? I’ll buy you a big house and I’ll take you to town every time you want…Say you love me, so I can go more easily…You don’t? Then lie, pretend it’s a game, but say it…” 

My voice trembled when I asked him what happen next.

“She looked away, I got out of my minds and kissed her. She yelled, her father came and threw me away. I left…but…”

Teardrops on the rose’s petals.

“Forgive me…A storm begun, out of the sudden…She ran on the field to catch me and a lightening stroke her. She…she never told me…why was she running like crazy…what made her chase me on the field…she never had the chance…”

The rain was cold and he insistently told us to leave.

“I’ll be okay…I like rain, is good for my garden…But you should go…I’m just an old man repeating the same story till it gets boring even to my own ears. See…little miss…some love stories are not meant for this world…

Some love stories are meant for Heaven.

The Awesome Blogger Award

What a joyful morning! I just found out that one of my favorites bloggers and, as I would like to call her, a wonderful soul-friend, nominated me for the Awesome Blogger Award. Thank you, Ellie, with all my heart and soul!

There’s something I want to share now…when I first discovered Ellie’s blog, my main feeling was gratitude. And, so many times, going through her articles, I found myself looking at the skies above, feeling so blessed…She’s offering a kind of support, spiritual healing and connection that goes beyond words. You will feel it too…please visit her blog at https://innertalkssite.com/

What is the Awesome Blogger Award?

This award was created by Miss Maggie over at dreaming of Guatemala! And she says:

“This is an award for the absolutely wonderful writers all across the blogging world. They have beautiful blogs, are kind and lovely, and always find a way to add happiness and laughter to the lives of their readers. That is what truly defines an awesome blogger.”

Rules of This Award:

• Thank the person who nominated you. Include the reason behind the award. Include the banner in your post.

• Tag it under #awesomebloggeraward in the Reader.

• Answer the questions your nominator gave you.

• Nominate at least 5 awesome bloggers.

• Give your nominees 10 new questions to answer.

• Let your nominees know that they’ve been nominated!

Ellie’s questions:

  1. Favorite book?
  2. What is your favorite childhood meal?
  3. Do you believe in coincidence?
  4. Biggest goal to reach?
  5. Summer or winter?
  6. Would you like to know who have you been in your previous lives?
  7.  Making your own food or take away?
  8. A smell that brings you back to childhood?
  9. Biggest fear?
  10. Happiest moment of your life?

My answers:

  1. My favorite book is “Manual do guerreiro da luz” (“The Book of the Warrior of Light” – I translated it as accurate as I could) by Paulo Coelho
  2. My favorite childhood meal…is actually a drink 🙂 The rose syrup that my grandmother used to make from rose petals.
  3. I believe in destiny and in its ways to create the perfect circumstances…so no, I don’t believe in coincidences.
  4. My biggest goal…this is hard. To find harmony…in every aspect in my life.
  5. Definitely summer.
  6. No…
  7. Making my own food, I have a passion for cooking 🙂
  8. The smell of lilies…it always takes me back…
  9. My biggest fear…I have this dream to always be my daughters best friend. So my biggest fear is that I wont fulfill this dream. But it can’t happen…no, no way! 🙂
  10. Two moments: may 18, 2011 and august 31, 2005. My girls… ❤

My nominees for the Awesome Blogger Award:

https://hairyarmpitsblog.wordpress.com/

https://vinzpoetry.wordpress.com/

https://thesillysonic.wordpress.com/

https://byluis7.com/

https://timothyach.wordpress.com/

So…Claudia’s questions:

  1. If every person would be a color, what color would you be?
  2. If you could choose a historical period to live in, what would be your choice?
  3. Your favorites 3 songs are…
  4. What is your first memory?
  5. If you could teleport yourself in any place in this world, what would it be your first choice?
  6. Did you ever had an imaginary friend?
  7. What is the color of your eyes?
  8. If you’d be a painter, what would it be your favorite theme to paint?
  9. Your favorite ice cream flavor is…
  10. Where do you find inspiration for your blog?

Thank you for your patience, awesome friends! And if, for any reason, you wont accept the nomination, that’s absolutely okay. I still consider you amazing!

Be blessed!

 

I need to see!

Real emotions. Feelings. Real love in people’s eyes.

I need it to be a certitude: love still exists. It will appear like a light in lovers eyes, in their smiles or in their voices. Or maybe, the sweet way they hold each other’s hands. I don’t want metaphors. Not anymore…The blossomed cherry tree and the sweet roses will fade in the cruel evening’s wind. The white butterflies will die in the darkness of the night.

So don’t…Don’t tell me that love is a butterfly, a sweet rose petal or a sunny day…Because, if there’s anything I wont accept, that’s the ending. Love wont end. That’s why I need to see it…

-And how will you see it, if your eyes are closed? If you’re always between worlds, never truly here, never truly there. How will you have any certitude at all, if you doubt your own being. Tell me: what did you see last time when you looked into your heart?

I saw a winter that lasted four years. I saw myself frozen, alone in the cold wind. I saw my tears turning into ice crystals and piercing my soul. I saw my trembling hands closing a door. Forever. But then…I saw myself praying for that door to open again…

-The One who opened the door for you. You’re here because He loves you. So, how can you doubt Love? You don’t need to see it, you need to feel it…

That’s exactly what I mean. I need to see it in order to feel it…

-Poor child, you’re so confused. You can’t see Love in other people’s eyes, unless you have it in your heart. Do you want to keep the roses forever blossomed? And the butterflies forever alive? And the light in people’s eyes forever bright? Do you want to see real love?

I do.

-Then love. Love with all your heart, forever and a day. And forgive. Forgive yourself for the moments when the everlasting winter will kill the butterflies. They will be brought back to life again.

By the power of LOVE.

So, BE Light and you’ll see Light. And BE Love so you can see Love. Give Joy, Trust, Hope and you shall never feel alone.

The old priest smiled but in his eyes I could see he was holding back his tears. In a church full of people, why was it so hard for me to see Love? Maybe I never looked in the right direction.

So here I am, kneeling with the Rosary in my hands, willing to see deeper and beyond my everlasting winter. Willing to believe again.

Who am I without you?

I almost lost her six years ago…

I remember laying in that hospital bed, trying to cry, trying to feel…there was nothing but a dark, deep emotional void. People around me were repeating the same senseless sentences. Empty words, pointless and cruel…

“You need to be strong now…”

“Your crying is hurting her…”

“You can’t see her, if you’re in this state of mind…”

“We have no explanation for what happen, unless…maybe you’re hiding something…”

Hiding something…

I hided my tears and I replaced the pain with anger. I kept acting calm, strong and cold. I asked about my rights. I asked about her options. I started to make accusations. I demanded another medical opinion. I fought.

And in the inside…

The pain was so deep, so huge and so overwhelming that I just wanted to die. I cried till I couldn’t breath. I started to pray with desperation. I stopped believing in justice. Any kind of justice. I felt helpless, abandoned and alone…

And with her…

I held her tiny hand when no one was looking. She looked into my eyes and I knew…our story was just beginning. I told her about a beautiful place called HOME. A place of kindness and gentleness and love…a place where she will be held unconditionally. I promised her that my love will heal every wound. I smiled and it seemed that she’s smiling back.

And now…

I feel blessed for celebrating her 6’th birthday.

I can’t imagine a day without her joy, her beauty, her sense of humor, her sweet and innocent way of discovering the world.

Who am I without her? I’m grateful beyond words that I never had to find out…

 

The only one he let inside

They laughed so hard that everyone turned their heads to see us. I was sad that day and their laugh was the last thing I needed…

-So, you’re really doing it! You’re going to teach to those students! Cre-a-ti-vi-ty! To those people! You know what you’re getting yourself in, right? Right?

-Well…

-She doesn’t know! Oh my…so they tricked you! No one wants that class! And especially about creativity…I think they’re creative enough!

I look at my colleagues, they were still laughing while I was getting blusher and blusher…

-Look, Claudia…we hope you’re letting us assist you…it will be the funniest moment of the week. Remember: don’t speak with the blonde one. Yeah, the one that looks so angelic…

Another ten minutes and I found out about my future students. The ones that everyone avoided. My practice included teaching to various age categories. Now I was going to teach at 23-25 years old students. I was 21 back then. That group of students were exceptionally challenging for…someone like me. Two of them were autistic, one was a former convict, and the blonde one…

He, with his angelic look…he was schizophrenic. Paranoid schizophrenia. And sometimes, when he refused medication, it was difficult to relate with him. And this was an understatement, as I was going to find out on my own.

So, there I was, scared but surprisingly encouraged by their smiles. Yes, I did the old trick…I admitted to them, before starting the class, that I’m nervous…That I really want to create the best impression and that I need them to cope…

And they did! They responded to every creative technique I was presenting. Till one moment…

-So, the next one, is a question with open responses. There is no right or wrong, everything you can think of…just let it flow…then, please read it to us!

The blonde one was the first to raise his hand. He was absent so far, but now…everyone’s eyes were on me…I asked him to read his answers.

-You ask: what would you do if you would be God for one day? I answer: I would kill my parents, I would kill them (pointing at his colleagues), I would torture and kill them (pointing at my colleagues assisting the class and laughing) and then I would kill myself!

I stopped breathing for a second. Everyone froze. Then I looked in his light-blue eyes. And I used a calm, sweet voice, like talking to a scared child.

-Thank you. I think you were very honest and that’s a rare quality. Don’t you think the same, guys?

The class approved silently.

At the and, I asked them to write a little note with their feed back. Everyone wrote the nicest things I ever read about myself. I was in tears reading…

He came closer.

-I made this for you.

It was a drawing. A portrait. My portrait. I recognized the long blonde hair and the green eyes. But tears? I was smiling all the time during the class…

I tried to took the drawing and he grabbed my hand, holding it tight. His eyes were like two blue blades, looking deep in my eyes. He spoke the words with difficulty…like he was trying to fight them back.

You. I let you inside…tears…oceans of tears. A smile is a mask. People wont see it. I am who I am and I can’t change it. Your mask…is falling. Don’t cry. World doesn’t need us, heroes. Go away now…I can’t stop it anymore.

He almost pushed me. I left and tried to forget. Days, months, years…and here I am. Building a bridge over my ocean of tears. Taking off my masks and learning to be a hero. Not for the world…but for my own destiny.

I wave my white flag unashamed…

Because we’re always building dreams just to burn them down…

And we climb over walls just to complain when they’re too high.

We want more of that bitter-sweet nostalgia, so we never give enough to fulfill each others need…

That’s why I’m surrender. With all my heart, knowing that I tried, I fought, I struggled. Knowing that I never gave up on him. Not me…

I’m calling a truce and I’m waving a white flag because this war inside me, inside us…must end now. I need peace like I need air.

Playing tricks with my heart was never easy. And it seems I was given a stubborn heart, willing to live and to love. Again. So I surrender.

To this new feeling.  Here I am, standing with my white flag. I’m not a hero, nor a martyr and the sacrifice ends here. Love is greater than this. I surrender to love.

So, with trembling hands and teary eyes, I accept THE GIFT. And I am taking the falling. In love.

 

When you’re too in love to let it go

You broke it…

I was starring at the little pieces of red glass on the floor, the remains of (what it was supposed to be) his heart, a trophy he won at a competition. We were both around 12, on our way to a wonderful vacation by the sea.

-You played with my heart and you broke it!

-I didn’t…it just slipped through my fingers. Your heart was…slippery…

-My heart was perfect! And now it’s broken. I knew I shouldn’t give you my heart! I knew! Why have you asked for it if you knew you can’t take care of it?

-I’ll fix it…I’ll get a special glue and I’ll put the pieces back together again…

-You’re so stupid! There is no such thing as a special glue…I can’t believe I gave it to you!

The guilt overcame my anger so I spoke in a very soft voice…

-I’m not stupid…

-Yes, you are! And spoiled too! It was precious, you know? And unique…

-Look, I would give you my heart, but…

-But you don’t have a heart, right? That’s why you wanted mine! And I told you to be careful, because it’s a precious heart! But nooo…you played with it and now it’s broken!

-It slipped…

I was almost crying.

-And I hope you’ll never win any heart! And you’ll never touch anyone’s heart! And if you’ll ever have yours, I hope someone will play with it till he gets bored and then he’ll smash it to the ground!

I started to cry desperately, covering my face so he wont see my tears. He stood there for a while, cursing and talking to himself. Then he looked at me and something changed in him. He came closer.

-I’m sorry I called you stupid and spoiled.

I was too sad to answer, but the change took me by surprise and touched me in a way I never knew it’s possible. So I cried harder.

-Don’t cry, it’s alright…it was just a stupid heart. Not important…a girly thing, I didn’t even liked it…

-No…it was beautiful and precious. I’m so sorry…I…I really didn’t wanted…

-Look, if you want it…even if it’s broken…

-Will you give it to me? All the little pieces?

-Yes, silly! All the little pieces. Who knows, maybe you’ll really find that special glue…

So I wandered through the deep dark paths of this labyrinth, searching for it. And I fixed every broken heart I’ve met on my way. And I lost mine on the process…

But the little red pieces are still shining. Even if, when I try to touch them, they cut through my skin, leaving me bleeding…I’m still putting them back together, praying for a miracle.

When you look into my eyes…

Who do you think you see?

One of my friends, a wonderful woman, a sweet soul has found the love she was looking for. It wasn’t a surprise, I was praying for her for this to happen, so, today she simply confirmed what my intuition already told me. And I hugged her and we laughed together and…

And I tried to remember…

My own love story.

And I couldn’t.

I couldn’t remember feeling so careless and free. Loving with all my heart, dreaming and playing, feeling that unique passion, laughing for no reason…with him.

But I remembered me trying to fly with broken wings. And failing. I remembered him telling me “I need you” and me, with tears in my eyes and that little spark of hope burning all over again in me…

“You need me?

Yes, I do.

Why?

Because I can’t handle everything by myself. I need you to help me with this house, with the kids, with everything there is to be done…”

I remembered how the little spark died, killed by our every day boredom, sacrificed in the name of commodity and conformism. I blamed myself, at least as much as I blamed him.

And I wanted to run to him, to make him look one more time, even if it would be the last time, in my eyes. I wanted to ask him.

Who do you think you see when you look into my eyes?

And to run away from him if his answer will kill another burning flame…

I want you to see the sea rushing to the shores with the power of a thousand waves…

I want you to see the rose petals melting in the sweetest summer wind, caressing your warm skin…

I want you to see the raindrops falling on your burning heart, when this world has set your dreams on fire…

Oh, how I wish you could see the woman who goes to hell and back in every nightmare because she tried to fly with broken wings. And she failed…

Oh, how I wish you could love me again.

Tonight eternity’s an open door

-Going to the underground is anything but safe… 

I looked back a little anxious but his calm and gentle voice and the deep blue in his eyes were enough to reassure me that I’m safe. He had blonde hair and a white shirt. And the friendliest smile I ever saw. I smiled back.

-I never liked it either, but I’m meeting a few friends. Actually, my friend Anna asked me to meet her here, she said something about a journey…

-Well, Claudia…then you’re in the wrong place. Here is the end of the line. But, of course, it’s all about your choice. Your free choice.

-It can’t be. Anna told me…Wait! You know my name! How…

I heard Anna’s voice and I ran to hug her. I looked back for a moment, he was gone.

-Anna, you look great! Like you’re 20 all over again!

-I feel like I’m 20! And you…you look terrified. What happen?

Anna’s bright smile calmed me immediately.  I knew I sound crazy, but I told her anyway.

-It was a guy, right there, now he’s gone. And he knew my name, I freaked out…

She started to laugh.

-Ohhh…sweetie, now you’re acting like you’re 20! You know how guys are…Just ignore him, he must be another idiot hanging around here. Okay, time to go. I’ll introduce you to my friends once we get in that train. Go, get your ticket, we only have two minutes left!

As I was waiting to buy my ticket, I noticed that my wallet was missing.

-How embarrassing, it looks like I forgot my money. I’m so sorry, Anna…

-No worries, I’ll buy you a ticket.

A strange man with a very serious voice stopped us. He was tall and looked very old.

-What are you doing? You cannot buy her a ticket, it’s against the rules. She’s not supposed to…and you know it.

Anna interrupted him. I was surprised to see her acting so impolite.

-Damn…then I’ll give her my ticket. We’ll switch places.

-Are you out of your mind?

The old man was shouting at her.

-She’s not supposed to get into that train. She doesn’t have a ticket. Stop trying to break the law. It’s not her turn.

-No, it’s not. It wasn’t mine either, was it?!

I felt a cold shiver. The train was coming, a bright light and the doors were open.

-Anna, I…

-Just listen to me. You can still come with us…you just jump when he doesn’t look…

-I don’t know, Anna, I don’t feel like going anymore…and it’s so cold in here…

-Don’t be like that…we’re friends, right? We’re going to a party. Remember, you called me because you were feeling so lonely and no one cared for you. I care. My friends too…Just jump, don’t look down and jump. No one will miss you anyway! You can’t go home, there’s no way back from here.

Tears were rolling down my face and I suddenly realized.

-I don’t want to leave. I want to stay and find my way out of the darkness. This is my free choice.

The train vanished.

-You’re safe now, it’s alright.

I found myself in his arms, crying like never before.

-I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t had…I’m so terribly sorry…

-Hey…don’t cry…you’ll be alright. People are waiting for you at home. They miss you so much…here is nothing for you. Go back.

-And you…you…will I ever see you again?

He smiled, wiping away my tears.

-I’ll be waiting for you on the other side…

-Shhhtthhh…it’s just a nightmare…

I didn’t recognized him first. He looked scared, telling me he thought I’m dead, seeing me so pale, so cold and barely breathing. I tried to make a joke, but started to cry.

-It’s over, you just had a bad dream. You dreamed Anna again, right?

-Yes…she was alive in my dream. I can’t…

-I know it’s hard to accept…her suicide made no sense.

He was wrong. Every action makes sense, every choice has consequences. Eternal life or eternal guilt. An eternity of love or a journey in the darkness. My free choice. Yours too. Choose wisely and always stay IN love.

And never forget to say a prayer for those who never made it back home…