Something in return: my gift for YOU

Dear friends,

It was an honor to meet so many amazing people. Your messages gave me so much courage and strength and there are no words to express this feeling of gratitude towards you. Your comments, your kindness, your empathy and your presence here were my light in the darkness. It’s because of you all that I re-defined my faith as something beyond any church, any ritual or human rule. As something personal, so intimate and precious.

This is the gift that YOU gave to me.

As some of you may have noticed, my posts became more rare lately and I focused more on the “artistic” side of this blog, through poetry or short metaphor-stories. As much as I love expressing myself in an artistic way, this is NOT what this blog was meant to be.

Something, somehow, got lost on the way and I owe to you and to myself to bring it back. If I cannot write with honesty, if I cannot express my emotions in an authentic way, if I keep hiding behind poetry and metaphors, then…

…then I wont write at all.

I want to give you something in return. A story. My truth.

I could call it “a novel”, but you would know it’s about me. The main character is not wearing my name, so I could pretend it’s all a “made-up story”, but you would recognize me in her words. I will not lie. My gift for you is the truth.

And the link to my new blog, a project I believe in with all my heart, because it grows as I grow emotionally. May it bring healing to you and to me. May it sweeten the loneliness inside us.

Here it is, my gift for you: https://thesweetborderline.wordpress.com/

And a snippet from my first blog post:

“…that’s how I asked with tears of hope in my eyes. Because, once I lost the feeling of normality, it also lost myself. And it became my greatest dream, something he gently corrects every time I even approach the subject. I know he’s trying to protect me from…myself. That’s what therapists do, isn’t it?

“You can be in control.”

In control of this rage inside, always self-orientated, always self-harming…

In control of this fear of being abandoned, irrational feeling that’s destroying everything I try to build…

In control of this tornado of emotions that overwhelms me, leaving me empty inside…

So I’m learning to be in control…” (“Isabella – finding the hero inside”)

I warmly invite you to read it, to read my about page and, if you find it interesting, to follow my new project. But, anything you’d choose to do, please proceed with discretion and gentleness.

After all, you are stepping inside a wide open heart…

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Invisible

So, was it when I chose to hide away my tears?

I wonder if you knew about my longest night,

When darkness almost overcame the light!

To know about my bravest fight…

Would you be proud of me?

Just tell me honestly!

Or was it when I silenced all my fears?

 

So, was it when I gave myself to you?

There was no shame or anger in my brightful eyes,

You never looked behind…to see how high it flies

My heart, filled with your lies…

How could you set it free?

Just tell me honestly!

Or was it when I said “I love you too…” ?

 

So, was it when I let you lead this dance?

We said our vows, you promised me you’ll stay

Through storms and calm, through night and day,

In times when I no longer pray…

Would you believe in me?

Just tell me honestly!

Or, was it when I gave a second chance?

 

It’s not of curiosity that I keep breaking through

This silence only hurts like hell!

The walls get closer, I can tell…

Is life a carousel?!

So, was it when I loved you more than life?

Or was it when your love became a knife

That cut and hurt and killed the “me and you”?

 

Your eyes that pierced my soul, now look away…

It was supposed to last for ever and a day…

“I love you more”…that’s how you used to say…

Through storms and hell…we would have been okay

As long as love would guide our twisted way…

Don’t cry…it’s not that terrible

My question stands, unbearable!

Time wont return, life’s not repairable!

When was that I became invisible?

 

 

I found the image at: https://aminoapps.com/c/emosescritores/page/blog/amigos-invisiveis/g8wN_vEf6uVdJqWV3X4mKLRNMqW3oqjjbb

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t call it “dark”!

She is beautiful in her favorite pink dress, with flowers and puffy sleeves. She wears matching ribbons in her blonde hair and her shoes have fine silver lines with just the perfect touch of glitter. She has the brightest smile, simply glowing in the light of the summer’s sun.

She always smiles. 

She knows how precious love can be, that’s why all her words creates love and kindness. Her memories go back to the moment when she promised she’ll never be alone again, so she’s holding on to this promise with the strength of a thousand waterfalls. She will say whatever it’s needed to whomever needs it.

She always says the right words.

She never cries in public because she was told that that’s the biggest disgrace for such a lovely little girl. It was enough for her to repress an ocean of anger, pain and frustration. The scratched knees, the rejections, the missunderstanding of a world that only asks for drama…who needs her tears? And who needs her truths?

She always walks proudly, holding her head up high.

Well, one day she fell. Her perfect glittering shoes betrayed her and the puffy sleeves proved to be nothing but useless pieces of outfit. It also proved that her favorite pink dress wasn’t quite an armor and the matched ribbons were not supposed, after all, to protect her beauty from the mischievous mud she fell in.

She called it “dark”. And darkness needs to be fought and defeated. Right?

So she became a warrior and, like every true hero, she started to save people. The main purpose was the salvation of the world itself, but she was willing to admit that that’s quite a challenge these days. What will you do with a world who refuses to be saved? In the name of faith…that’s how she justified her bravery. Still, there are no words to justify her loneliness and her foolishness. And when her faith was nothing but a facade…

Will she be called “a demon” if she cannot pray anymore?

Sweet little girl, where are your tears, when you scratch your knees, falling to the ground?

Brave child, where are your cries for help, when they took away their love, leaving you orphan and incomplete?

Beautiful heart, where do you keep your anger, when they ask you to be kind instead of breaking these hypocrite walls of righteousness?

Will you blame it on your dark side?

Well, don’t call it “dark”. It’s only human.

 

 

Don’t tell them…

Blue teddy-bear, please stay and hold my heart once more…

I’ll hold you tight and love you like never had before,

I’ll tell you all my stories, my faith I will restore!

For you, my childhood’s sweetest, the one I still adore…

 

Blue teddy bear, forgive me for growing up so fast!

I thought that life’s a playground and love’s supposed to last,

I hoped his tender arms will wipe away the past…

But here I am: a loner, a black sheep, an outcast!

 

Blue teddy bear, where are you when darkness casts its cold?

You left me empty hearted, with no one else to hold…

Blank pages fill my stories, white lies was all I told,

Into a world that’s breaking even the hearts of gold!

 

Blue teddy bear, I wonder, would you remember me?

I’m different, yet the same…and never ever free…

I’m still the girl who left you under the cherry tree…

My love is still volcano and restless like the sea!

 

Blue teddy bear, don’t tell them the silly dreams of mine!

Don’t speak your words of wisdom when silence is just fine!

I need you back to leave you behind me…one more time

I love you and I hate you, my childhood’s sweetest rhyme…

Blue teddy bear, don’t tell them ’bout this terrible sign!

They’ll say I’m bad and guilty! And all I do is crime!

And even worse they’ll call me…

They’ll call me “borderline”.

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.istockphoto.com/video/miserable-abandoned-teddy-bear-outdoors-gm1030228212-276026934

 

 

 

I’m never letting go…

She offered me a silver cup filled with hot chocolate and an embrace…“so that you’ll never get lost again on your way home”. And I was lost for words, mesmerized by the sweet feeling of being safe. I stood there, watching her moving around, in her little kitchen, touching the crystal plates with so much care.

“I’m setting the table for a princess. For you. Welcome home.”

I smiled, the world outside was slowly disappearing. I never knew that angels can be so close, I can almost see their wings reflected so beautiful by the shining of the crystal plates. And I’m thinking that all the signs, all the torment, all the emptiness had a meaning.

“You’re the only angel around here. We are just memories.”

I survived through memories, but this makes no sense. How can a memory keep me hopeful and faithful when glory faded away and my castle was made of shifting sands. But all my philosophical thinking seems to be dissolved in the sweet chocolate taste.

“Don’t go…stay a little more.”

I’d stay for an eternity here, drinking hot chocolate from a silver cup. I’d stay in this warm embrace for ever and a day…But the abyss is calling me and I have to give in. The wolf inside me is hungry for pain. Oh, how I’d stay in her arms…

I open my eyes and my lips taste sweet. The bridge is narrow and rocky, it hurts me to stand here, bare foot. The black waters bellow me are calling me with deceiving promises of healing and rest. There’s nothing pulling me back this time.

“Not even a cup of your favorite hot chocolate?”

What was this voice whispering from the highest skies? Where is this feeling of warmth coming from, like I’m being embraced by Light itself? And why am I forgiven, if I’ll never forgive myself?

“Because you are loved. Get off the bridge and follow your path, you are called to love back.”

And then I knew why all the white feathers around me seem to point to one direction only…to Light. The only love I’m never letting go.

 

I found the image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/386113368036337423/?lp=true

 

What if…(BPD awarness)

So, what if I’d tell you that you’ll grow up to be completely and utterly alone? Surrounded by people, some calling you “friend”, some calling themselves “your family”, without you ever feeling any emotional bond…

What if you’d end up wearing such a thick mask, so that no one could guess what hides behind that painted smile of yours? And all your efforts will be in vain…one thick wall broken down, just to reveal another million walls behind it…

What if you’d never be capable to hug your mother, even in your highest distress…or hers? She’ll look at you with tears in her eyes and her pain will kill you inside…still, your arms will stay stiff and your body frozen…

What if you wouldn’t have any friends, because you left them, one by one, in fear and anguish that they’ll be the firsts to leave you? Just because your fear of being abandoned, as irrational and foolish as it may seem, is the only stable thing in your life…

What if some day the man who loved you once more than life itself, would call you “a monster”? You’d see the blood and the wounds, you’d see the pain and the defeat and you’d know you did this to him! You’d wish you were the wounded one, you’d wish you could attack and harm yourself, instead of him…

What if your body would suffer from hunger, thirst, pain, exhaustion, while you’re living a life of luxury? Oh, don’t say it’s impossible…if you starve yourself to death, trying to be thin when all you truly want is to be accepted…

What if you’d face, like a daily nightmare, the desperation of knowing that someone, somewhere, somehow, will see the darkness inside you? You’d look into your children’s eyes, praying you wont see any of the shadows that are consuming your soul…

What if you’d hate your best friend because you loved too much and was given so little? Love, hate, anger, kindness – all coexisting in the same being, at the same time – yours! You are insane, ill, sick and suicidal, but no one knows…

Right…what if you’d have one dream and only: to find the courage to make that deep cut, that jump, that fall…just because is too emotional exhausting to be yourself. And, by the way…who are you? What if you’d never find out?

What if one day you’d try to see your reflection and a demon will smile to you from the mirror?

Would you still want this existence?

Yes, my God of Mercy and Love, I would…Because I know YOU’ll be with me all the way…

Borderline Personality Disorder is NOT a death sentence. Please don’t turn it into one!

 

 

Image found via google images

He breaks all the walls…

There’s a secret world inside of me, but I never speak about its beauty. It’s made of golden rays that embrace him in light, every Sunday morning…

A life of Sundays, all filled with promises of love. He kisses my sleepy eyes, so that, even in my dreams, I would feel safe. My one and only, gently touching my lips with his, softly whispering sweet poems, tenderly awakening the woman inside me…

A life of summers, with colorful flowers, all for me, all because of his love. The rose petals on our silky bed…a promise of trust and passion, tenderness that leaves no fear between us. Roses in my hair, their perfume mesmerizes my senses and all I can feel now is this ocean of devotion in his eyes…

A life of childlike giggles, when he’s counting the freckles on my face and I pretend to be grumpy and cranky and difficult, just to hear that seductive voice of him, calling me “his darling”…and then, laughing like crazy, to plant thousand little kisses all over his worried smile…

A life of poems, all perfect and all incomplete…because, just like in movies, I sneak behind his back, just to see him smiling while he writes…I put my arms around his neck and turn to face him, just to feel his heart beating stronger…I sit in his lap, with my head on his chest, just to stop him from writing a proper ending…

My love for you is endless…please don’t write the end…

And he listens and he cares, he’s there for me, even in my madness. He’s my rock, my armor, even when I fight my demons and my memories. He thinks I’m beautiful, even when I cry and he swears I’m sweet, even when I’m stubborn…

There’s a secret world inside of me, but I never speak about its beauty. It hurts too much…

Because he breaks all the walls, embracing my heart in light and love.

While I only break him…

Forgive me…I love you too.

 

 

 

I found the image at https://pngtree.com/freepng/love-clouds_191529.html

 

 

 

 

 

The good one

What keeps us in the darkness, when all our hopes are gone?

Why can’t we find the colors of life in this grey zone?

Where are you when I need you…if I am so alone?

And how can Love survive into a heart of stone?

 

She cried a thousand rivers, while looking at the sky,

Were white and sweet and gentle, just like a lullaby

The arms that held her tightly before they said goodbye…

She angrily decided that faith was meant to die!

 

She signed in blood and anguish, her soul to give away

A pact so clear and simple, just like a childish play…

He was supposed to love her for ever and a day!

Oh, crazy heart, why did you…become such easy prey?

 

Indeed, he came to love her, because he missed her light…

He kissed the eyes that carry the darkness of the night,

And promised to revive that Love that seemed so bright!

In tears of blood he promised…for her he’ll surely fight!

 

But when the shadows came, was nothing but regret

The Love that once was sacred – now hanging by a thread,

He gladly set her free, pretending to forget

The tears, the pain, the anguish of this poor marionette…

 

He tried to write a poem, but curses have no rhyme,

And pain was bound to fill him until the end of time!

Forgiveness and damnation…between them such thin line!

When life itself is nothing but a repeated crime…

 

What keeps us in the darkness, where Love is almost none,

Why can’t we see above us the brightly shining sun?

Can you remember flying before you turn to run?

Could you believe my story if evil never won?

‘Cause in this world of angels, no pact was ever done!

No judgement or damnation upon her -the good one-

For she’s the Light inside us, and Light is never gone…

 

 

 

I found the image at: http://soundofheart.org/galacticfreepress/content/how-access-your-inner-sun

Title inspired by “Million Reasons” by Lady Gaga https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-B_iLyXzbvE

 

 

 

 

I am the ghost of the girl you loved…

She almost knocked me down with her pink bicycle, rushing like a storm through the people around. I don’t know if I was her only target, but she definitely dreamed of seeing me down, bleeding on the sidewalk. It didn’t happen, not this time, not here.

My salvation was not one of those “lucky chances”, or at least I chose not to see it that way. It was something angelic in the arms that pulled me away, something very soothing and serene in the voice that asked me if I’m alright.

The calming voice asked me if I know the girl who seemed to want nothing more than my disappearance. I know her anger, I said. Her bitterness and hate, the dark voices occupying the place where it used to be light.  She’s hurt and she’s alone in a battle that overwhelms even the strongest hearts.

The strong arms held me through my salvation and I was blessed to feel protected. How I wish she could run straight into the arms of love, instead of angrily storming into the claws of devastation. The tender voice remained silent in the face of my gratitude, but, then, it praised my will to forgive.

I know this girl…

She spends every awaken hour talking to the voices inside her. She believes that life took something away from her, so she’s craving for revenge. She fools her own heart, pretending to be a savage predator. I fear for her…

For the day she’ll discover how much of a victim she became. How the pieces of a broken love can be so sharp, they can cut so deep! I fear for the moment when she’ll stop hating me…for she would have to face her own vulnerability.

She is the girl who’s heart cried in vain for a love he took away.

How would I blame an empty shell? I asked in a broken voice, hiding my tears streamed face into his loving arms…but this would be just another lie, wouldn’t it be? the celestial voice replied.

For it is written for us to never be empty. And to never be alone.

Free will…a blessing or a curse? Yes, it’s a matter of choice if we fill our hearts with light, or we leave ourselves consumed by darkness.

Alone…this is not a choice, nor a possibility. Not in this life, not in the eternal one. Around us, every step we take, angels are watching. Closer than we’ll ever be willing to admit.

“If she’s the girl who loved in vain, ’till her heart turned into ice, then who are you?” playfully asked the innocent voice.

You know me, I whispered with a sad smile. I am her ghost…

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/1LRQe

Title inspired by Christina Perri’s song “The Lonely” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhQ1c1MsYv0

 

 

 

 

In case you failed to notice…

I stood there, on his doorstep, wearing nothing but the cold rain in my body and soul. Frightened and alone, my sense of shame is tearing me apart at the very thought of stepping inside. He’ll break me once again…

He saw the rain in my eyes and needed no words. Somewhere along the path I lost myself and somehow he knew how to bring me here. Wordlessly and blindly, he took my hand to guide me inside. To the warmth of the fire…

I wanted to cry, but enough tears were wasted by the wandering clouds. Above us, up to the grey skies, God is watching with a smile. A sign of forgiveness. I’m standing here, but my bleeding heart belongs to the storm outside…

The rain looks good on you, darling…

You’re the reason for my storms…

I’m the reason for your sparkling eyes, my love…

They’re sparkling out of tears. You only see the rain…

I only see your loneliness, dear…

You love this…like a master of puppets loves the life he puts within the lifeless…

I love you, you make me feel powerful, sweet one…

Your power is my weakness and it breaks me every time…

That’s our precious secret, no one knows you’re mine, little one…

I have no one…

Then stay and give yourself to me. The sky above you already forgave this crime, for it’s meant to be your destiny. See, precious one? I’m still here, I’ll always be here to hold you…

No one…

Yes, no one can make you smile, nor fill the emptiness inside you. No one loves you in the rain…Their little hearts are addicted to sunshine, beautiful one…

His hunger devoured my fragile inner strength and the light faded away while the rain shouted angry curses to the world. I took my bare soul and gave it all, just to feed this void. He held me even if there was nothing left to give. For a brief moment, he kept his promises and he was the one for me…

No one…

No one loves you like I do, no one wants you like I will…

My words remained unspoken and my heart stayed cold. He tasted the bitter trace of tears on my cheeks and decided that it’s time for the curtain fall.

Sweet madness, what is your favorite path through the falling rain?

For I am still outside, in the cold, wearing the yesterday’s storms.  Still chasing away temptations and demons. Falling, from time to time, rising above in the name of faith. Wondering about them, the loved ones. Why do they always fail to notice?

There’s another standing at his doorstep. Wearing nothing but the rain inside her. One moment from now it may be too late. Don’t call her “an addict”, just call her out…

 

 

I found the picture at: http://sharequotes4you.com/p/sad-crying-girl-alone-in-rain

Title inspired by Jewel’s song “Foolish games” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKvlDrf-_L8