I’ve got my angels now

“Some hearts stay close, pretending to be strong as a stone, declaring their self-righteousness while they’re only blind. To love…”

That’s what he said and the echo gave deepness to his voice. He smiled at me, even if his eyes had a certain sadness. Then, suddenly, he took my hand and guided me through the big, black gates.

“She’s with us! She doesn’t need a ticket to get inside. And she’ll stay for as long as her soul desires!”

I looked down, knowing that the ticket seller already recognized the lie. I was not with them and that was visibly clear. I wasn’t wearing the white coat they all had, I wasn’t that joyful as they seemed to be, my eyes had dark circles around them, from my sleepless nights, while their were blue and pure like the morning sky.

The ticket seller got closer to my protector and mumbled something, words that had no meaning to my rational mind, still, I knew I’ll remember them long after today…”what her soul desires…she cannot have…and she should pay, just like the rest of them…for this arrogance of thinking she’s special…”

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve got your back!”

He was still holding my hand, ignoring the rest of the group, and it was because of his warm touch that I could let myself feel this tremble inside me. My eyes kept searching for the only thing that would give some meaning to this journey of mine…

“They turned it into a museum…I know what you are searching for, they locked it away and hid it. See, it wasn’t politically correct to expose it here. Come with me, I will show you…”

He took me to a dark passage, leading to a closed gate. Behind bars, imprisoned and broke, the wooden cross was lying on the floor. A wooden Christ with red painted tears seemed to plead with the Heaven above. For us. From the coldness of the former church’s floor. And I…

I never felt so lonely and so helpless…

so scared and lost…

so defenseless and frightened…

For us. Human kind…

“Tell me, precious soul, what are you really searching for, in this place of lost hopes? Why do you keep exploring abysses, harming your own heart, when all you ever deserved was love and forgiveness?”

His gentleness and the way his eyes pierced the walls of my soul set free all the tears that my vulnerable eyes refused to cry for so long. And I cried for myself. For my lost love. For Christ and for humanity. For this old church turned into museum. For this world where faith is imprisoned so deep inside us.

And I fell on my knees, but a strong, cruel hand pulled me behind…

“How do you dare? For Christ’s name! You’re on holly ground! How do you dare?”

The ticket seller spit the words like venom to my heart. And once again, I desperately needed Him to guide my way…

“Exactly…in the name of Christ. She is with us, she can stay for as long as her soul needs!”

The love in his voice surrounded the place in pure light. He turned to me, in all his glory, with his wings open and his eyes shining.

“Stop searching…He is here.”

He touched my heart. Just like He promised, His touch made it new.

He made my heart pure again. For Him to live within…

 

 

I found the image at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tyiz2yEFIkU

Advertisements

Free to need some help…

I’m standing on the line, starring at the ceiling. Behind me, there’s a girl laughing and flirting on the phone, her perfume reminds me of summer. Her laugh reminds me of love and I would hide away, but I can’t. I’m forced to stay on the line, patiently waiting for my turn.

In front of me, two old ladies are sharing memories. One of them giggles, the other says something about the modern technology. They have sweet pictures on their phones. Playful smiles and sparkling eyes, a graduation and the first love. A tiara and a diploma, short glimpses in their lives.

And I shouldn’t be here. I should be flirting and laughing with the man I love. We should have breakfast in bed and he should be saying something ridiculously funny about last night. Terrible habit, to talk on my sleep, but I do say sweet words and I’m always cute in my helpless state of dreaming. That’s how he should say, for me to stop him with a kiss.

And I shouldn’t spy on people’s phones, pictures and lives. I should be having a coffee with my best friend, as a reminder of all the little promises we made. That we’ll be best friends one step beyond this world. That we’ll keep each other safe and sane. I failed.

So I’m standing here, on the line, starring at the ceiling and creating false memories. How it could be…What it…Should I…Why did it…

Come here…

That’s when I break down and cry, right here, in his arms. He’s holding me so tight, I can barely breath and this feels so good! I want to tell him about the wasted tears, about the long lost love that’s still haunting my every dream.

It’s okay, I know, I know…you’re safe now…

No, I’m not, but I’ll pretend to believe his lies. After all, life itself can be such a bitter disillusion and we were never friends. I thought I’m saving him, I believed I’m doing it in the name of God and faith and love. He imagined me as his angel, a carrier of the light he’ll never touch. So, in his anger, he destroyed every bridge and every bond.

He made his own choices and created his own way through the darkness. He grew wings of fire while my heart turned into ashes. We’ll never be free of each other, the darkness in him will always follow light. The light in me will always face a deadly attraction for shadows…

But here, crying in his arms, with the world outside slowly fading away, my heart is free to need him. So I whisper his name like a mantra…

Christian…It’s alright, baby…I’m back now…

 

 

I found the image at https://upliftconnect.com/being-light/

The title is inspired by Aura Dione’s song “Friends” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz8TAwJdxhQ

When love was nothing but a battle cry

Do you like this fragrance of smoke in my hair?

I wrote you a thousand letters and, with each one of them, I loved you a little more. Sweet lines with bitter meanings and big words with senseless metaphors, yet, you forgave my lack of judgement in each and every promise I made. You tried to decipher the empty spaces, unaware that the key is buried deep inside me.

Do you like when my eyes are changing from green to fire-bright carnelian?

I wrote you a million poems and, when rhymes faded away, I used my tears to paint a proper ending to my endless questions. You were the hero and I was your muse, you saved the world and I was saving you, you got the glory, I got insecure. I failed again, this pain has no rhythm, it’s blank and white and cruel!

Do you like the warmth of my hands on your body?

I wrote you a love song, inspired by the way you’re undressing my shivering soul, leaving me naked and ashamed in the spotlight. You listened and asked for more of this passionate, self-destructive desire. You loved the harmony in my whispers and you wanted me to teach you how to play. Guitar, violin, piano, my heart…you played them beautifully. Then, bored and lonely, you deleted my song from your playlist.

Do you like my slow, sensual dances under the moonlight?

I wrote you a made-up story about the boy on the moon who saved the sad girl from falling. I sent you a page every day, so that you could add some more drama, some more mystery. Some more love…I saw you laughing, changing the lines, breaking and cutting the thin wire I was hanging on to. You asked for a realistic script.

My love, reality lies broken under my burnt feet and no one wins. Your love was nothing but a battle cry in this war of hearts, my hero. Don’t cry, my boy-from-the-moon, no one will break me anymore…

I wrote a thousand letters and I set them on fire.

This was supposed to heal me, but, instead, I fell in love with the ashes…

 

 

The title was inspired by Tom Neuwirth’s song “Heroes” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puRPBdZPfi8

I found the image at: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/nuvan_buet/3524484971/

 

 

Worthy of love!

The sensation was a freezing cold kind of pain, it spread through my body, leaving my heart numb and my voice soundless. But the echoes of my conscience kept pushing me forward, one step at the time. In a place that, once upon a time, was called the bridge of fire…

I knew he’s waiting for me, my yellowed eyes demon with his fire and his torches and his anger! I prayed I’d find him before it’s too late, but my abysses were filled with ice and where, a lifetime ago, were flames and smoke, now it was only a devastating white desperation.

The trembling shadow whit ghostly eyes seemed to wait for nothing but death itself. No sharp claws, no threatening grins, no blasphemous curses. Nothing to destroy me, nothing to feed the devouring fires of hell. Just a lonely boy with a frozen heart, desperately trying to put the pieces back together.

Here he is and there I am…So close, I can almost feel his pain and I know it’s real. I also know my gift and my mission. The voice inside me speaks loud and clear, words of love, words of faith. And my arms are ready to warm him up, back to life, back to love…

For one thing it’s certain and beyond any doubt…

“The day you stopped fighting was the day your heart froze. And I fell out of hell, just to pick up the pieces. It was a beautiful heart…”

He cried as he spoke his truths. I cried as I held his fragile soul. I cried as I fell in love with everything that was imperfect in him. As in myself.

“How does it feel…to see me so breakable…so human…The angel of dark. Your demon. The one you pushed, you broke, you set on fire and you fought with everything in you. Am I worthy of love, even if I was born of hate?”

He pleaded for my love, as if he ever needed to plead…

And I pleaded for my salvation, as I never pleaded before…

And the voice from above spoke loud and clear. Words of love, words of healing and acceptance. Questions that my conscience needs to answer in the most honest and truthful way.

How does it feel to see yourself as less than perfect?

Less than angelic, because your heart was touched by fire. Less than demonic, for the light you’re carrying is a divine one. 

Human, simply human. Loved, above anything else in this world. 

Treasured, even with your dark side, your rebellious fights and your insecurities.

Yes, worthy of love, even if, once upon a time, you called yourself a demon…

 

 

I found the image at: https://design.tutsplus.com/tutorials/create-an-angelic-sculpture-made-of-ice-in-photoshop–psd-7383

Even if you cannot hear my voice…

There’s a blue light I adore, it reminds me of sweet winds and tender sunsets. It takes me back…to the place where the sky kisses the waves and the the mountain embraces the sea. There’s gentleness and love in the deep blue light…

There’s a moment I treasure, it keeps coming back like an old song. Like a precious gift, it’s part of me and it stays unchanged, untouched…Sometimes, in my magical, childlike thinking, I even believe I’m there. And there’s sweetness and joy in the gold, eternal moment…

There’s a touch that keeps my heart warm, no matter how long and dark is the night we’re crossing…It heals me every time I need it, it gives wings to my illusions, it creates nostalgia…There’s peace and hope in the touch I cherish so much and I live for it…

I wish you could remember too…we promised we will…

We’ll find each other where the sun kisses the waves. We’ll be in love there, where the mountain embraces the salty waters. The sand will be warm under my feet and your arms will be strong enough to hold my restless heart…

You wont let go…

I wont run away…

You’ll kiss the trace of my tears, unaware of the storms inside me. I’ll stop you from asking, because, deep in your heart, you already know…

And I’ll whisper sweet words, like lovers do. You’ll promise me that you’ll never forget.

But you did…

So, now, from worlds apart, my voice is calling you through time. How do I cross this border? How do I reach out? I’m still there, in the summer of ’97…I’m still here, whispering sweet nothings…

I still forgive you every time you forget…

 

I found the image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/352336370819643247/?lp=true

The title is inspired by the song “Run” by Leona Lewis https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pelOvxFuJj8

 

 

There are mountains way too high…

They were shouting from the top of the mountain: Heyyyy!!! What are you doing down there?! It’s not safe, come here, on higher ground!

My knees were shaking and my clothes were tore, my hands were bruised and my lips were burned! The storm had cast fire and dust, water and acid from the black sky. I was clinging to the only light I kept seeing, a white candle burning bright in this little old church…

They were sending love letters from the top of the mountain: We love you! God loves you! If only you could climb to meet us! If only you would join our joyful meeting!

My visions got blurry while the flood got closer, dangerous and dark. The white candle was sending a flickering light over my teary face. My only thought was to kneel, imploring Heaven above to give me strong wings and wise eyes. But my knees were bleeding and my naked soul was slowly drowning.

They were smiling at me from the top of the mountain: You are special, you are important! You are unique! You can start climbing right now, what’s stopping you? 

My little church was sinking, so was my heart. Stuck in the thick mud, blocked from salvation, I decided to just lay still and expect the unexpected. There was no prayer I could remember, there was no ritual meant to produce miracles. The white candle was floating away, with no chance for me to ever reach it.

They were encouraging me from the top of the mountain:  You have the power to change things, start changing, start loving yourself! No one will climb the mountain for you, just do it!

It’s okay, I whispered to them, knowing they cannot possibly hear me. It’s alright, I’m fine. I’m really well, I’m hanging on. I’m absolutely, perfectly happy.

They were singing and dancing at the top of the mountain. Hugging each other, thanking each other…Blessing each other! Oh, dear, it’s so rewarding to save another soul. It’s such a good feeling when you help someone climb the mountain. We really have a gift! Let’s praise this moment of pure glory and joy!

Down there, in a small, sinking church, trying to reach the white candle, I was giving in. Then, someone came, with open arms and eyes filled with love and light. He took my hand and set me free from mud, dust, fire and flood. He gave me the white candle and gently spoke words of wisdom.

“Your little church is sinking, so is the world. Will you climb the mountain with me?”

He took me in his arms and, with one touch, he healed my scratched knees and my bruised hands. My lips knew the water of life. And I was grateful, I was joyful, I was free!

But, Lord…oh, my Lord! What about them? Their mountain is sinking…

The shadow of sadness in His eyes was enough to awake in me all the tears I needed to cry…

“I know them and I love them. If only they would remember me in their hour of darkness…”

We will, my Lord, we will.

 

I found the image at: http://xtrasizesg.com/dark-vs-light-wallpaper.html

True love might fall from the sky

He’s thinking of me…I know it because, every time he does that, my heart becomes a restless bird, impatiently trying to escape her broken cage. It hurts every time he’s thinking of me…

He opens the window and the cold morning air awakens the tremble inside him. His empty arms embrace an imaginary body…mine. And, from worlds apart, the shiver inside me becomes unbearable. I’m freezing…every time he opens the window…

He turns on the radio, hoping to hear my favorite songs, but there are only tragedies. His fingers are wiping imaginary tears. We cried together, seeing the devastation inside our souls and he secretly wishes he would have the cure for every pain in this world. I still cry…every time he listens to a love song…

He smiles in the mirror, rehearsing the roles he’s going to play. The loving husband, the devoted father, the talented business man, the generous neighbor, the faithful christian, the rebel artist…Miles apart, masks are falling and walls are crushing down into my life. I break down…every time he fakes a smile…

He’s ignoring the voice that calls his name. He claims he doesn’t understand the question. He never shares the beauty he sees in the deep, blue sky. He’s deaf to the pleadings and blind to the tears that fall for him…

Insensitive to the love he’s given.

-Hey…what’s so interesting up there? There are only clouds! Come on, give me a hug…true love wont fall from the sky…

-Who knows…it might…

He’s laughing, there, in his world, while my broken heart becomes nothing but a fluffy, airy cloud, on the blue skies of his life.

He’s thinking of me…

He misses my warm body in the cold morning air…

He hears my voice in every love song on the radio…

He wishes he would be the hero in my every story…

This is how I lie to myself. Because I’m not miles away, in another world…I’m just  looking up to a completely different set of clouds, longing for him to hold me. No, this is not another story about a long-distance-relationship!

I’m right here, he’s near me. We’re holding hands…galaxies apart.

 

 

I found the image at: http://jamesharrisgallery.com/artists

Title inspired by the song “Milk and Toast and Honey” by Roxette https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI8TXgDJ09s

To fix what I’ve broken…

-I’m sitting here, between worlds, knowing you can fix me. I broke the bridge of light, it collapsed under my lies! I’m here to confess a truth so terrible…

He stopped me, taking me in his arms and almost crushing the words inside my chest.

“We don’t talk about it. Terrible truths, heartbreaking confessions…they stay locked in the darkness for ever.”

His kiss had nothing tender, nothing sweet this time. It was meant to set things straight. Meant to make me forget him, to erase all the memories of tenderness and safety.

-Why? It’s all I have, all I’m clinging to, in the loneliness of my ever-lasting nights. I love you, do you still love me too?

His fingers left red traces on my arms, they’ll turn blue in the morning, just like my heart. But it wasn’t the pain that brought the salty water in my eyes, no!

“We don’t mention love in our conversations. Nor loneliness. They’re frail and easily breakable human emotions, so they make us weak. Don’t ever speak their names!”

I wanted to push him away, for he was not the one I desperately wanted back. He was stronger, wiser, braver…he was colder than any long forgotten dream of mine. He was…

“How am I?”

-Real.

“And how are you?”

This is where I’m breaking in pieces. This is when I fall. This is my unspeakable truth. For I am just a shadow.

“Right.  Your truth is different than mine. So this is where we close the gate. A thin smoke, this is your memory…”

He pushed me away, setting himself free. And I died inside, along with the love I was carrying. But, in the end…dreams cannot kill, can they?

-I’m sitting here, between worlds, knowing you can fix me. I broke the bridge of light, it collapsed under my lies! I’m here to confess a truth so terrible…

“Oh, baby, I want to hear every one of your truths, no matter how terrible they are!”

-I’m nothing but a shadow! These tears are made of smoke! And I’ll be gone, if you ever decide to forget me…

He smiled and kissed my smokey tears.

“It’s alright, my love, we all are. Shadows, frail, outcasts, breakable, deceiving, confused and anguished. Perfect is the hand that drew us, clear is the eye that saw our first breath. Pure is The Love that keeps us alive. And you are loved beyond measure…”

 

 

I found the image at: https://steemit.com/poetry/@davidfar/poem-virtual-love

Title inspired by the song “You are the reason” by Calum Scott and Leona Lewis https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByfFurjQDb0

The right words, at the right time…

I see you looking at me a little surprised and the amusement in your eyes is the sexiest thing  I ever saw! We’re both laughing, so this is the perfect moment when, apparently by accident, you’ll touch my bare shoulders, sending a wave of emotions through my body. I’ll bite my bottom lip and I’ll play with a rebel lock of hair that (conveniently) falls over my eyes. You already want to kiss me, but you’ll have to wait…

You pretend that my blushed cheeks went unnoticed, but I know better! I always knew you better than any one of them. And they were many! They passed through your bedroom and stayed in your arms for as long as attraction and excitement lasted…while my words will stay for ever!

You’re telling me stories about how she played you for a fool, about your broken ego. I’m ready to take you in my arms, creating a shelter for your heart…I’m reassuring you, again and again, that life is unfair and people are bad. And you are magnificent! And you deserve more. You deserve me!

Someone loves you deeply and passionately and that someone is standing right here, with eyes filled with promises…It’s okay if you’re afraid of commitment, I’m afraid too! It’s alright if you cannot be loyal, I’ll be for both of us! It’s fine if you’re not completely honest, that’s a risk you cannot take these days! Just be here, with me, just be!

And now you want to know about my life, so I search in my bag of memories, the most interesting stories, the most captivating adventures. The ones that’ll put me in the best light. Fragile, but yet, so strong! Romantic, but yet, so reliable! Innocent, but yet, so wise!

Yes, it’s me that you’re looking for! And I’m here, for you, to fulfill this empty place with my love. I’m here to give you all that you were denied of, ever since you opened your eyes to this cruel world. Love me…

What’s this silence between us? I had so many things to tell you…Why did my lips stayed sealed? I planned the perfect scenario, you were supposed to fall for me…Why was I just standing still, while you kept bragging about the blonde one, about the skinny one, about the perfect one! I thought it’s meant to be! Wasn’t it?

I guess I’ll just take my imaginary kisses and my unspoken words and use them more wisely next time! May all your girlfriends turn into crooked witches with gigantic brooms!

You turn to me with a shocked expression on your perfect face. Oh, my goodness! I must have said it out loud!

 

I found the image at: http://98palms.com/is-she-really-flirting-with-you/

The title is inspired by the song “Baby can I hold you” by Tracy Chapman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nW9fTvU0vs

 

 

Do you want me on my knees?

I was walking barefoot, tired and weary, when the skies turned black. It wasn’t unusual to me, it wasn’t strange or frightening. It was my world, my life with the desperation within. I was walking empty and broken when I found him.

He was waving a black flag, a symbol of a war he was longing to win, for he was battling the same angry winds that smashed our spirits to the ground. For an eternity, or so it seemed back then. He was walking in tears of anger when he saw me.

I ran to him like he would be my long lost friend, my prince or my savior. I convinced myself that all my stories are real and I was going to convince him that I’m his fairy. Selfish and naive, I was building a novel around this fantasy of mine. I ran to him like a homeless child searching for a shelter.

He opened his arms and almost smiled. A clear sign of a conqueror, even if the victory was bitter-sweet for him. After all, what kind of joy would bring such an easy prey? Nothing precious, no diamond hidden in a stone, just a broken heart with an uncommon desire to surrender. He opened his arms, but the gates to his heart stayed closed and sealed.

I cried when he first kissed me, and the light in me brightened the black skies. I let it all out, in a hopeless attempt to heal his blindness. But the torment and the pain were still there, no matter how tight I was holding to love! I blamed myself for the loneliness I felt in his arms. I cried when he kissed me, knowing it would be our last kiss.

He called me his princess, just like I always dreamed. He believed my stories and he pronounced the perfect words. And, as my heart was melting in his palms, he took my hand, taking me to a place he called home. He had a certain sadness in his eyes, as he walked me in, through the golden gates. He called me princess, so my cell would be paved with gold.

I searched for the black skies, but all I could see were the thick walls surrounding my golden cage. Locked with no chance to ever escape, to ever walk barefoot by the sea, I started to dream of storms and raging waves, to wash away this devastation inside. Imprisoned without a judgement, without a crime, I broke every vow and torn my innocence apart. I searched for the black skies and begged for an ending to this life sentence.

He admired the golden cage, for it was his creation. Years of anger and bitterness made it even shinier. His efforts were not in vain, for the view was spectacular! A free show, what a shame that the world couldn’t see it! How often can you see a heart breaking in pieces in front of you? How perfect is the soul the gives itself to the flames, just for one short glance at the deep blue in your eyes? He admired the golden cage and decided that the game is boring and dull, but we’ll play it anyway.

I fell on my knees, asking for one thing. One and only. The key.

He offered me his heart instead. 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.deviantart.com/kris-kamikakushi/art/kiss-you-hard-in-the-pouring-rain-515981441

The title is inspired by one of my favorites songs: Scorpions, “Believe in love” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4WArSKK9go