When we pass the end…

The bridge was waiting for me, ever since I opened my eyes to this ferocious world. I always knew…one day…you and me we’ll meet on that bridge. It’ll be our last day as lovers.

The echoes of its voice haunted my innocent years, a sign of the troubled waters I’m supposed to cross. I always felt…I have to stay safe, for you and me, for the divine love that unites our souls, even if one day…you’ll be standing on that bridge too. It’ll be my last day of torment.

The road was rocky, but it always guided me to the edge of the bridge. That’s where I’ll find you, that’s where I’ll cry. You’ll say nothing, but your silence will shout angry, horrible words. It’ll be your last day of hate.

We’ll be together, looking in each other’s eyes, on the doomed bridge. You’ll feel my weakness, so you’ll despise me even more, no matter how hard I plead for my life…you’ll still push me into the deep, dark waters…

That’s when we’re no longer lovers…

That’s when all my crying is done…

And you can’t hate me anymore.

So, here I am, on the edge of the bridge, this is the day meant to set us both free. My eyes are burning, but my heart is cold as ice, waiting for that last push into the unknown. Dreaming of a world where all the metaphors speak of miracles and love.

Here I am…the one that you used to love. Your best friend and the one you held through the roughest storms. Ready to face the abyss of your empty eyes. No guilt allowed, for you are doing it as a prove of kindness. A final one.

The bridge was always waiting, calling, haunting and alluring me. To sit on the edge of it, to count the paving tiles, to touch the old barricade that separates life from death. He always knew…it wont be my final day, not today, not here…

The bridge is old as time and lonely as the heart you deserted. He called you too, to meet me in the middle. To hold my hand and to carry me home…You never came.

So I turned my heart into a bridge…

 

 

Title inspired by the amazing song “When love kills love” by Scorpions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwaUeb0qc_Y

Photo from my personal collection.

 

 

 

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In my bewildered eyes…

He took my hand and asked me to trust him, ’cause the place he’s taking me to is not for the faint of heart. I closed my eyes, I said a prayer, I promised I’ll follow his hollowing voice ’till the end of my time…

“Lay with me here, on the silky grass, here where the sky aligns the clouds in so many mysterious ways…

It’s blue, too blue…and warm…

I need you to see through my eyes, my love, I’m lost behind a wall of fears I cannot break, nor look above it!

It’s deep, too deep…this loneliness…deeper than the ocean above us…

Don’t mind my tremble, just open your heart and tell me…what do you see up there?

It’s close, too close…could be a storm…could be a sign…

Don’t cry…

It’s real, too real…I wish I were with you…

Just take my hand, you’re starting to believe it now, my darling…the signs, the wonders, the demons and the storms, they were meant to be…

It’s dark, too dark…my path and yours…

Can you see it too? In my dreams, we always see the same signs, for our hearts are one and our souls have wings…but you, sweet butterfly, you always run, and I never know…

It’s blind, too blind…the faith that guides me…

Blind enough to love the unlovable?

I see an angel of light coming from above, looking straight into our souls. I see the justice he’s bringing, for all the unknown martyrs. I see love, a love so pure and beautiful…I see healing and joy…after the storm…Can you see the angel too? Or is it just a cloud, reflected in my bewildered eyes…

Open your eyes now!

Wait…So, was it just a dream? The love I felt, the blue above me, the warmth of your heart…

What’s life if not a mysterious dream, filled with signs and wonders that we refuse to see?

But I did…I did the right thing…where are you? Why am I so alone?

Shhhtttt…wipe away your tears and raise your eyes! Look up now!”

Do you see it?

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

 

There’s a wolf out there! (watch out, children!)

 

He’s waiting in the dark, every single night, hungrily preying on my weakened soul. Red eyes, sharp teeth, wicked claws – deceiving shadow in the ever lasting nights…

He wants nothing less than a taste of eternity and he knows how to get it! Stealing my life, he promises the one thing he cannot give: peace.

Lost in my sleeplessness, numbed by the emptiness inside…that’s how he wants me, a shell of broken dreams, unaware of the wonders given upon me…

He wants me to feel nothing! That’s how you know…

You know he bit you when tears turn to blood and your book of life turns grey. When there are no colors to paint the raging world outside…

…when you’re a walking dead, with ghostly eyes and sealed emotions!

And they will call you lazy…

and they will think you’re blind…

So they will offer their expertise, advises, solutions…little miracles all boxed and ready to be used!

But nothing works, because the wolf is here, cruelly laughing at their pointless efforts.

He’s waiting in the dark, he knows the taste of my blood and the warmth of my tears. Bold and reckless, thirsty for the light inside me, he gave me no choice…

…but to fight for my soul!

Watch out, children of God, there’s a wolf outside. Take your prayers as your unbeatable armor, remember the love we were given, call an army of angels if that’s what it takes!

To destroy the beast for ever.

 

 

Title inspired by Kelly Family’s song “The wolf” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIJKeOc4Vvc

Photo from my personal collection

Black mirrors

“Broken glass all over her bedroom floor…In my nightmares, she’s escaping the black mirror…”

Nonsense, he’s whispering, your mind is nothing but a drama queen!

“Stuck there for years, she witnessed the kindness turning into cruelty…”

Okay, let’s play, he arrogantly smiles. How many years behind the mirror?

“Four and a half. Enough to drive any sensitive soul into madness. Sleepless and blind, she only heard the laughs…”

Well, she’s pretty good when it comes to play the victim part! he abruptly interrupts me, pretending not to hear the tremble in my voice.

“Unlovable. Ugly. Unwanted. Sad. Old. Hopeless. Fat. Pathetic. Ridiculous.”

Right, ridiculous. Stupid ghost, she was haunted by her own hallucinations, he angrily says, turning his eyes away from me.

“Stupid, yes…for loving so desperately. But love quickly turns into dark behind the black mirror, so she learned to hate the very things she used to adore.”

What? Sorry, this is becoming a bit too much for me. So, for example, if she adored chocolate, she must really hate it now…he nervously laugh.

“Vanilla ice-cream, pizza, the color blue, dancing, small talks, cuddling, making love, heart shaped clouds, your voice…The way it felt when your fingers played on her soft skin…She learned to hate all these things and beyond them…”

Is there any point to this? Are we getting anywhere or we’re just being dramatic for the sake of romance? he impatiently asks me.

“She hurt herself.”

Aha.

“Deep cuts that left bloody traces. Scars that took months to heal.”

Really.

“You never saw…Or…did you?”

For God’s sake!

“Please, just listen! I need to tell you, it might be my only chance to heal…”

Right, your nightmares. So she escaped the black mirror?

“She broke it and then she thought she’s finally free. Finally loved…and rediscovering…your voice…the most beloved melody when you pronounced her name…your eyes…the highest paradise, when you gazed into her soul. How could you…why would you…? You…murderer!”

So I’m the bad guy?! Again! What have I done again?!

“You told her that her mind is nothing but a drama queen…”

 

 

 

I found the image at: http://mariapleshkova.com/index.php?/albums/

Hey, little pigeon…

Tell me about the place you’re flying to, it must be so beautiful! You have the wings of an angel, my little friend…could they carry me over the blue horizons? I really miss the love now…

Come, sweet little pigeon, come closer to my heart, this story I’m about to tell is not for fragile souls! Innocent eyes…could they see inside me, would they forgive the light turned into darkness? I really want to believe now…

Precious little wonder, have you ever lost yourself into a blossomed garden? Mesmerized by the perfume of paradise, charmed by the rose’s smile in the gentle breeze…you just stay there, praying it’ll last forever. Were you ever in love?

Ever dancing with the golden rays that cradled your whispers? Ever kissing the traces of light when the sky is raining upon you with petals of gold? Ever feeling your heart bursting in million little pieces, all carrying a love you’d call eternal?

And if you ever knew this kind of light, and if you ever lived this kind of happiness, and if you ever loved this strong…

…what would you do if the blossomed flowers would die under the cruel gaze of a careless sun?

…if the garden of paradise would turn into dark and that’s not even a damnation you could fight with…it’s just…home…

…and if eternity is just an empty feeling, a hollowing pain of something so rare and precious, for ever lost…

What would you do, sweet little pigeon, with a love so deep and powerful, so secret and unfulfilled that it will eventually murder you?

Hey, little pigeon, where are you flying to? please stay…why is the light in you fading away, why is your brave heart weakening…is it me? Don’t…my angel…just don’t…

…don’t drink the salty water pouring from my eyes, sweet little bird, I never meant to be your poison…

 

 

I found the image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/59672763798557691/activity/tried

 

 

Let it be YOU

“How do you feel?” he asked in a calm, gentle voice, still holding my hand, still stroking my hair, while the claws of pain were gripping more and deeper into my chest. The thirst was slowly becoming unbearable, and air got thicker, turning my every breath into a fight for life. This is how it feels when a heart literally breaks, I heard myself thinking, but, immediately, I blamed the bitter voice from the inside.

There was no time for poetry, I was agonizing under the deep blue of his serene eyes, wondering where is the help I needed so much. My mind was memorizing the past minutes, sensations, panic, storm…a lightning and such a cruel pain in my heart, that almost left me numb. Flashing lights, a man walking towards me, all white, checking my pulse, saving me from falling into the arms of despair.

“I’m here to help you” he said, so I immediately supposed he’s a doctor. The normality, the logic, the common sense in everything we do…that’s a sign of being sane, isn’t it? Still, the ambulance was late, much too late, and the oxygen mask was nowhere, and he…he was just smiling at me, disarming my struggles, my torment, my rage.

The raindrops felt warm on my cheeks, I closed my eyes and he tried to wipe the salty water from my face, but the sweet scent of mosque on his fingers just intensified the rain. When did I start to cry and what is this purifying feeling inside me?

“How do you feel?” he asked again and, this time, it wasn’t the pain that kept me from breathing. Something higher, so graceful and holly, something that has nothing to do with pain, death, anger…that something was embracing me, healing me…loving me.

I feel grateful.

For this pain that reminds me of life as a blessing, even in the most desperate moments.

For my vulnerability…sweet prove that falling is, sometimes, the best way to learn how to rise from the ashes.

For the over-sensitivity I blamed so much, and still…this is the brightest part of me.

For my heart that breaks so easily and hurts so deep and fears, and aches, and runs…but it never stops loving…not now, nor beyond the last of its beats.

For the lessons and for the demons…they taught me to be brave in all my battles.

For the scars…for the faith that heals them…for YOU.

Yes, I am grateful for YOU.

“The storm is coming, you need a shelter” I heard Him saying just moments before miraculously taking all the pain away…

I need a shelter, we all do…Let it be YOU, sweet Jesus.

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.jashow.org/articles/what-is-a-near-death-experience/

Eternity in blue

If life is just a journey, I guess we both got wrong,

Just sitting by each other when wind and rain got strong.

We should have run together, to find where we belong!

To realize the meanings of our endless song…

 

If people are just dreamers, I guess we both are mad,

‘Cause words that used to heal me, are making me so sad…

When all I feel is nonsense and all you say is bad,

Your judgement and my sentence – that’s all you need to add…

 

If world is just a staging, I guess we both are brave,

I’m acting like my heart is not an empty cave…

And you pretend your love was more than just a wave!

But here we are still trying when nothing’s left to save…

 

If love is just illusion, I guess we both are weak,

We carry on by hoping for something so unique,

Love letters turned to candles inside our hearts to keep

Such perfect words of kindness, but we refuse to speak!

 

If faith is just a symbol, I guess we both are dying…

If love is just illusion, then why do we keep trying?

If world is just a staging, then were you only lying?

If people are just dreamers, why did we learned the flying?

If life is just a journey, when will we stop denying

 

This pain that burns inside me?…this is my only truth…

The reason I’m still living eternity in blue…

Even if life’s not worthy, I choose to be with you.

 

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.rocksforkids.com/stargazing-for-kids/

 

 

 

 

 

While you are sleeping…

A world is ending and another one is reborn…the new one is made of thin shadows, vulnerable and airy, with one purpose only: to keep me safe ’till morning…Do you see the shadows?

An empire burns to its grounds and another one starts rebuilding from ashes…the new one is fragile, made of colors and dreams, imaginary characters with one desire only: to hold me tight ’till morning…Do you see the kings’s castle, made for me only?

A life sacrifice itself on the altar of good will and another one plays wild, twisted, tormented games, with one freedom only: to make me happy ’till morning…Do you see me dancing with my demons?

While you are sleeping, they fail. The shadows, the kings, the games. But you can’t see me crying out scared, scratching my knees on impossible walls, dying inside…while you dream.

You leave a door wide open, so that I could run away every night, terrified by the sound of your peaceful breathing. See, my love, your peace became my nightmare, a war I cannot win, nor survive, while you are sleeping.

Tears fall into an ocean of broken goodbye notes, but your sweet dreams wont sail the troubled waters. I’m left here, with the monsters and I’m sorry…there’s no way I could ever fight them, so I just become one myself, while you are dreaming.

Our bond breaks to the point of no returning and I’m someone else’s love…while you quietly smile in the safety of your bed. And I’m more awake than ever…with him.

While you are sleeping, I’m powerless…drowning in black waters, desperate enough to miss the same chains I used to hate. The old golden cage that used to be my home. But you don’t need this drama, in your perfect nocturnal harmony. Do you?

…so I just kiss your forehead, I tuck you in and turn the lights off…

Good night, my love. Goodbye.

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.deviantart.com/kylu/art/Dark-Waters-6635387

 

Just one beat away…

I feel your eyes on my bare shoulders, the royal blue of your gaze…gently undressing my soul, until I’m left hopelessly, shamelessly naked inside…

I feel you watching my every step, even if my path is so well known to both of us…my knees get weak as I realize that I almost…got lost…I almost walked away from you…

I feel your hands caressing the cold surface of your window…imagining it’s my skin, your fingers squeezing the red curtains, as if you would try to deny a sin we’re so close to commit…

You always hide, but I feel you…

Behind your walls, you stop me from running…the strength of your hands and the tremble of my fingers…I want you here and, yet, I wish you were still there, in the shadows.

The cold royal blue of your eyes, burns me deep…I wish I could scream my pain, but tears flow so quietly, so peacefully in my inner storm! This is unnatural, this is absurd…this is insane!

But if I’m crazy, tell me…are you my healer? My reward for all the wasted years? Is it the right time to confess my crime? Because the woman in me is long gone and I forgot when…and how…and who killed her.

I close my eyes, waiting to be sentenced.

No…not like this…

With infinite tenderness, you touch my lips…and I feel your desire. More than anything, you need me to stop the words. The inner dialogue that hurts me, wounds me, kills me! And I will, some day. Now I’m only gasping for air…help me! Please guide me and show me how it feels to breath…for I never knew.

I feel your eyes on my naked soul and I feel safe…if it burns, we will burn together. And then…we will be alright. My stalker, my watcher, my love…I think I’m falling too…

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://imgday.com/page/1857/

 

I hope you will remember me…

When only hell is welcoming your soul,

That’s when it hurts to know that you’re a light…

“It’s not my fault, I lost control!”

So you already give up on your fight.

 

When pain and tears are overcoming  love,

That’s when you’re slowly burning in the acid rain…

“I cannot pray, there’s nothing up above!”

So you decide that life is all in vain.

 

When He is here, but you are just too blind…

That’s when forgiveness seems so far away…

“I feel too hurt, too angry to be kind!”

So you pretend is just another day.

 

You hear the words, but they mean nothing more…

Than just a silly, simple song or rhyme…

“I’m not a hero, nor a warrior!”

So you say love is just a waste of time.

 

That’s when I’ll be a mirror for your light

For all the love that will no longer die!

For every moment when you cannot fight,

I’ll cry for you when you’re too blind to cry.

 

Please…keep this foolish heart of mine…

‘Cause even if you lost its key,

I’ll love you ’till the end of time!

Don’t say it wasn’t meant to be!

When pain is deeper than the salty sea…

I hope you will remember me…

I pray you will remember me…

 

 

 

 

 

I found the image at: http://www.iecavkrasti.lv/eng/letter-from-sea/