Already there

rose-640443_960_720Go to hell! he told me without knowing…

The place is filled with a sweet golden light and I instinctively open my arms to embrace a cold sunset…An empty star shines upon me, coloring my tears in indigo shadows.

Our songs with cruel and hypocrite lyrics played on repeat and, no matter how I try, they’re scratching the surface of this icy-still heart again and again…until something breaks inside me…completely and for ever.

Pictures in my mind, brief moments when we laughed, embraces we never knew how to treasure, how to keep…and I wish I could be blind to their beauty, because this torture is more than I could ever bear.

Labyrinths of pain and loneliness, my wild dances, our whispered promises, a future I’ll never have…’cause I’m insane and broken and lost…

Because he said it in a deafening silence…and my soul heard him…

Go to hell! he told me without knowing

I’m already there.

 

 

All rights to the picture belong to the free-photo website http://www.pixabay.com

Can you hear me crying?

68281533_2631272606903364_8485486330300596224_nPages filled with angry words…metaphors for an agonizing love.

Rooms filled with hateful screams…expression of a dying passion.

Hearts filled with emptiness.

They asked us to stay isolated and we did it! Many years ago…

 

Today is different, my love. This tremble inside me -a sign that I’m still alive- reminds me of warmth, so I’ll just take my favorite blanket and wrap it around my bare feet, celebrating my sweet memories…

Tonight is special, my dearest. This salty taste of tears on my burning lips -a sign that I’m still awakened- reminds me of sweetness, so I’ll just take a glass of red wine and some of the finest dark chocolate, honoring the woman in me…

Right now…that’s all I have, my precious. This beautiful silence in my restless soul -a sign that I’m still blessed- reminds me of rising above pain and ashes, so I’ll just play my favorite love songs, commemorating our bitter-sweet story…

 

And, as darkness settles in, my beloved, I’ll cry for all the missed embraces, for all the words that never found their way between us. For you and me -the isolated ones- who murdered love in too many cruel ways. Forgive me for needing you that desperately.

Can you hear me crying, my love? I’m right here, on the other side of the wall…

 

 

 

Photo from my personal collection

Meet my demons (III)

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“Why don’t you kill me? Just kill me!” I asked him in tears of agony, but he avoided my eyes. His breath smelled like rotten flesh, his hairy fingers drew bloody circles on my bare shoulders and I knew…I cannot die like this!

I met him while running full speed to the wrong exit, on the path between life and death. While every line of my face was deeply hurting from too much crying and my eyes became ghostly from too many sleepless nights. Heartbroken, sentenced to silence, despised and ignored in my pleadings for love, I really felt that LIFE is a punishment.

He grabbed my arm and twisted it, pulled my hair and pushed me against a wall, claiming to be my salvation. And I was blinded by my anger, clinging to this new sensation. “Pain is a gift, treasure it!” he whispered and I mistook darkness with salvation.

Pain was the only thing I could control, so I loved it. It was my only relief from the unbearable anger inside, so I accepted it.

Cuts, bruises, fresh blood, old scars, lies and guilt! Until I completely forgot who I was before. Every new wound was more than the one before it, while every new sensation of victory became shorter, more abrupt, lacking joy and hope, more and more every time.

So many flavors of this torture! So many lies in this illusion! While searching for a sense of control upon my own life, I lost myself in the arms of the beast…and I was harmed in so many ways…

inflicting pain upon my body

neglecting my emotional needs

turning my inner voice into my worst enemy

binge-eating to the point of poisoning myself

exposing myself to abusers

demanding love and affection from a narcissist 

thinking in terms of tragedies and worse-case-scenarios 

denying my spiritual need to pray…

I did them all…

“Why don’t you kill me? Just kill me!” I screamed in agony, and the raspy voice angrily whispered the words that changed my destiny…

Because I don’t have this kind of power upon you…”

That’s when the eyes that contemplated darkness, turned to praise the immaculate blue of heaven. And the hands that caused and endured so much harm turned to pray. That’s when, by giving all control to the One above us, I gained back my life and my freedom.

I still don’t remember who I was before meeting the beast, but I surely know who I want to be. And I know that LIFE is always a gift, never a punishment. Defeating this demon meant going deep into the dark alleys of my mind. I made it back only by the Love and Grace of God. Through His complete forgiveness, I learned to forgive myself too…

Meet my third demon: Self-harm

 

 

The image is taken from the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

 

Meet my demons (II)

horror-2581018_960_720“If you are an angel, why are you hurting me?” I asked him, while my heart was racing madly, gasping for air in an attempt to survive this infernal, unreasonable fear. His smile revealed his sharp teeth, his eyes became ice, his answer became my damnation and my body froze, trapped between life and death, right there, in his arms.

He found me a lifetime ago…a little girl playing with her dolls, on a rainy afternoon. A sweet portrait of innocence, but he knew better, for that little girl -me- was the loneliest child he ever met. Her ears – filled with angry screams, her eyes – rivers of repressed tears, her freckles – hidden reasons of shame, her soul – witness of a war between the adults she loved the most!

He took her hand and showed her his castle (“it will be yours”), it was high, it was dark, it was guarded with an iron fence and still, she loved it. It felt safe to stay there, she felt cared for and no one noticed her disappearance, ’cause, sadly, they were busy fighting against each other. Who would fight for her? For the loneliest little girl in the world?

“There’s a terrible world out there, a world where angels like you and me could not survive!” he used to tell me, every time I got too close to the iron fence. My universe got smaller day by day, while my every move, my every small gesture was questioned. A prisoner of my own mind, with Fear, Panic and Pain as guardians, I grew and turned into the loneliest girl…woman…wife…mother…daughter…in the whole world.

“What if…you fail…you embarrass yourself…you disappoint them…wouldn’t it be better not to try at all?” and I believed his fake love. But then, as night settled upon my heart, he laughed of my dreams…

“Something horrible is going to happen, can’t you feel it?” and I’ve mistaken fear for good judgement, dark thoughts for intuition, demonic whispers for faith! And then I cried and prayed, and waited for a prince to save me. And I waited in vain!

‘Cause no prince was ever going to see me, all hidden behind black curtains, in the highest tower of my black castle. And no hero would hear my cry for help while I’m voiceless! So, maybe…

Maybe it’s time for me to become my own hero.

“If you are an angel, why are you hurting me?” asked the loneliest little girl in the world, still holding the black, rugged, deadly hand of the beast who took control over her world. “Because you don’t deserve to be loved!” he answered and then she knew…

And then I knew…

He kept me away from the ones I love…

He took away my every little joy…

He made me feel helpless, pointless, desperate and unlovable.

Escaping him is beyond my human powers, it is a continue battle I have to carry every day, a struggle and a pain I’ll always face. From all the lies that turned my inner voice into my most frightening enemy, the most terrifying was the feeling of being completely, utterly alone. Now I know, I never was, I’ll never be…

Because I am loved through all my insecurities.

Meet my second demon: Anxiety

 

 

All credits for the image to the free-photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

Meet my demons (I)

man-1519665_960_720“Why are you always sad?” I asked, but he just smiled, pulling me closer, so close that my heartbeats became one with his. So tight, that my breathing stopped and I knew I’m slowly losing myself into darkness.

We met on a dark alley, a place where good souls are never supposed to be. I was not supposed to be here, not by my choice! Barefoot, tears streaming down my face, memories killing the very last trace of a painful love still lingering inside me.

Betrayed, pushed away, exiled by the one I adored more than life itself.

And then I met him, with his grey eyes and dark hair, covering the noble sadness in his gaze, with a long coat and a slightly cynical smile. Suited for the prince of twilight.

“Be mine” he told me “and I will make you forget”, and I just fell for this promise of peace. So he spread his wings and fire overcame my world, redefining everything I thought safe. He turned the dark alley into a labyrinth of shadows, a new home for my heart. He took away my memories, so I was oblivious to pain, desensitized to sweetness and beauty.

He made me look into a mirror full of dirt and I saw it all!

the Ugly me

the Reject

the Unfit me

the Stupid

the Unfaithful

the Shameful me!

“Why are you always sad?” I asked and, with a smirk, he answered:

“Because you are dying.”

Fearful and horrified, I tried to get out, but his claws made bloody traces on my skin, his teeth bit hard into my flesh, his fire pierced my soul…

Escaping him was beyond my human powers! It was divine, the hand that saved me, it was celestial, the light that showed me the way.

It took me a lifetime…

It took away my precious memories…

It destroyed my innocence.

Meet my first demon: Depression 

 

 

All credits for the portrait to the free-photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

Why do fairy-tales fail, baby?

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Your eyes, my love, they shine in golden, vibrant colors, with all the kindness in the Universe, and I should feel blessed. My hero, the one who traveled through time and space just to find me, you’re looking into my soul with such tenderness…

Who is her? The girl you’re searching in me?

Your hands, my love, they’re warm and gentle, caressing my bare skin in soft, sweet touches, and I should feel safe. My prince of a far-away kingdom, the one who fought endless, pointless echoes of this tragedy called life, just to love me…

Where is her? The girl you thought I am?

Your words, my love, whispers of hope and devotion, little secret miracles, they’re nesting in my soul, resting within me, living through every beating of this restless heart, and I should feel healed. My destiny, the one I thought forever lost and, yet, you defied all rules just to be my shelter…

How is her? The girl you hoped I’d be?

Is she happily smiling when you kiss her burning lips, just like I am, in all my dreams?

Does she whisper your name in the sweetest yearn for passion, just like I do, in all my fantasies?

Could her arms hold you fearlessly, knowing she’s yours eternally, like I would, in a perfect fairy-tale?

Would you love her, like you’d never love me? 

Your story, my love, it resonated with mine and, for a brief moment, I dreamed I was a princess. I should feel grateful, and, yet, it broke me inside…

 

 

All credits for the photo to the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

If you are not a warrior…

chess-2215836_960_720You and me –us- we were born in times of war.

You found me on a bloody battlefield, barefoot and crazy,

Laughing in the face of hurricanes,

Cursing the tragedy of falling too deep, too quick, too much!

I took your hand, –asked for your heart- I saw you trembling.

My dear, don’t love me if you’re so afraid of pain!

 

You and me –us– we survived winters and wolves.

My scars grew heavier, yes…I was bitten!

And being wild became my only nature, oh, my love…

You redefined sweetness for me, in terms of burning flames and fire!

When it was love, –your love– my only source of heat.

Darling, don’t love me if your soul is frozen to the grounds!

 

You and me -us- we killed each other on a battlefield.

Victims of evil shadows, we thought we’re fighting loneliness

And, yet, your knife tore me apart…

You broke me just to drown into my tears?

Aren’t we silly? You and me?

My love…don’t love me if you’re meant to kill my dreams!

 

Now don’t be sad, you’ll be in all my poems,

When lonely nights remind me of my loss.

See, you and me –us– were never meant to be heroes

In this war between heart and mind.

I’ll always wonder how it would feel to have someone fighting for me

-against all fears and inner demons-

-against all odds-

Don’t love me…if you’re not a warrior.

 

 

 

All the credits for the photo go to the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

You say I am loved… (a different kind of Valentine’s Day story)

…and I fail, every single time.

Prologue:

-Call the police, quickly, there’s a homeless girl here, in front of our apartment. She’s not moving…

-Great, what a great way to start Valentine’s Day! What are you doing?

-I’m going to see if she’s hurt. Maybe she needs some food…

-Well, why don’t you invite her in?!

-I should, you know? I should! Jesus would do that!

-Then let Him invite her to where He lives, okay? I can’t believe it!

“I grabbed the little few things that could be found in my fridge on this early, rainy morning and stuffed them in a bag. I looked away, not to see, not to feel the disappointment in his eyes, while, with trembling hands I opened the front door.

“Stop fooling around, police is on its way, there’s really no point in what you’re doing!”

The smell was horryfying, the view was terrible, it was mud and traces of blood and still, under (what used to be) a dirty blanket, I saw a small move. One step closer and my stomach was rebelling, but I needed to lean down, to see the pleading eyes.

“For God’s sake, we’ll never get rid of her if you start feeding her! Come back inside!”

Helpless arms rose behind the blanket, a defensive gesture, meant to be self-protective, and the eyes looked my way. My voice was weak, “don’t be afraid, it’s food…for you”, and she mumbled something. I put the bag right next to her and ran back inside.

“Make sure the door is locked, she might be dangerous!”

I did it and then, I just stood there, unable to move, overwhelmed by shame. I failed…

“No, honey, you did not fail. Police will take her to a shelter, They will provide decent clothes, a warm bed, basics, right? You gave her food, you were kind to her, I guess it’s enough.”

No, I was not kind, no, it was not nearly enough…

She needed a hot tea. A decent “hello, do you need any help?”. An embrace. Someone to ask about her name and her age. A human touch. She needed care, protection and love.

She deserves a Valentine’s Day too!

And I failed.”

Epilogue:

Police came, they said they’ll take her to a shelter. I know because I heard her screams long after they left.

“Don’t take me there! Don’t! At least, let me take my bag! It is mine! An angel gave it to me! It’s food there, my food! The angel said it’s food for me there, in the bag…”

The food remained there, scattered on the floor.

And I still hear her screams.

Have faith, He told me…

grass-3336700_960_720The clock was ticking in reality.

Five minutes more, please…just five…”

His smile was my answer, along with the light flowing from his eyes into mine. Laying on the green field, the world I left behind was so far away, like a long distant dream, a place I only visited for a short while, on my way home.

“What is this place so beautiful, is it heaven? Are you an angel? Am I still alive, sleeping in my bed?”

He laughed of my childlike questions and thousand crystal bells started to dance around me. White feathers, rose petals and fluffy clouds, floating in the air. My bare feet, caressed by the silky touch of fresh grass. He put a flower in my hair…

And the clock was still ticking in reality.

Five more…”

He took my hand and helped me stand, and, in his arms, my body felt weightless, so I just knew it was always mine…the power to fly. So high, to the place where all the souls belong to, where pain and sorrow are unknown! Where I’d be loved…

“I don’t want to go back to reality, I don’t want to wake up to a world of wolves. I don’t want this love inside me turned into ice and stones! Keep me, please keep me here!”

He put his palms upon my chest and rivers of light surrounded my heart. A warm, gentle breeze went through my hair, as butterflies nested on my shoulders. I looked inside and I just saw a trembling, restless, fearful heart turned into love. Pure love…my heart became love.

And then I saw his tears, for all I was is darkness and all He gave is life.

And the clock stopped ticking in reality.

I opened my eyes to another day on the battlefield. My feet will cross over mud and fallen branches, my skin will burn from acid rain falling from the purple sky. I’ll watch the wolves tear each other again until, hurt and hungry, they’ll turn their prayers into curses. I’ll clean my wounds and, as they’ll look for new ways to bite from aching hearts, I’ll still stand strong.

And they will wonder why…

Have faith, He told me, and I listened. So I am not afraid anymore.

 

 

The photo is taken from the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

Oceans in my soul

surf-3450584_960_720The voice of the wind called me, so I followed it through thunders and rain. A long distanced echo, whispering my name, reminding me of darkness and tragedies…this storm was different in ways I could never explain.

People were rushing to find shelter, crying for salvation, screaming for hope! As I was slow dancing with the fallen leafs, I felt the warmth of your burning eyes and oceans rose inside me. Unspoken prayers escaped the heart that never stopped searching…

You asked for a story and I gave you my heart, and still you wondered…Could it be pure, untamed, unbroken? Could it be real, the endless light I’ve always dreamed of? And, yet, you doubt it, for oceans are impossible to embrace…

I walked through the storm with nothing but your love to keep me warm, just like a true warrior! I walked and I fell, stroke by the cruel memory of my wasted dream. Hit and crushed by thousand icy drops, I died countless times…

And every painful coming back gave me a tiny, miraculous bead of salty water…

My oceans…testimonies of an innocence I’ll never lose, witnesses of my battles against darkness, my oceans…made of faith. You’ll see them in my eyes, so don’t be afraid, this is not an illusion! One day, they’ll meet the immensity of another ocean -above us- , then they’ll be one with it. And I’ll still love you…

with every ocean within me.

 

 

The photo is taken from the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com