You say you’ve cried a thousand rivers

So, can you rescue me from drowning? I’ve got my own sea of tears…

And now, that you’ve found your safe place, will you remember I’m still there, in the deep, dark woods? Where silence is the only music and my voice can’t possibly reach out to you. And I still pray…

Another lifetime, a different place…the same actors. You and me. The joy of finding each other, the terrifying feeling when you thought you lost me. The desperation in your embrace…when you saw me smiling in the golden light. And you knew I’m alive…I’m still alive, how about you?

The words have a limited power…but your silence can kill…I said terrible things, I cursed, I begged, I screamed out your name…no shame in making a fool out of myself. I fought. For us and against you. Against your silence. But my voice was still the only sound piercing the silence…

I packed my bags so many times in my mind. I ran away more than I’ll ever remember…I left you and yet…I took you with me…in my pain. I died again and again trying to kill the hunger in me. My hunger for love. Your love…How funny is that…I still want more even when you give me nothing…

And if I cry now, you’ll think I’m crazy…and if I scream now, you’ll feel attacked…and if I’ll walk away now, you’ll blame the destiny. And you’ll still say nothing. But it’s alright, my dear one, maybe it’s time to blame the destiny…Because you were my destiny…

I said I’m drowning in this sea of tears. I lied…I’m already there…lying helpless at the bottom of your thousand rivers, a silent waterfall inundating my soul. The world looks so bright from the other side, my darling. And you look safe. Behind the lines of our battlefield, a strange light is covering the ruins…of what was supposed to be my shelter.

Don’t look back…the ghost of our love is still haunting you.

Don’t get lost into my eyes…you wont find peace there.

Don’t ask me absurd questions. I am enjoying the silence.

 

 

I never meant to start a war…

Not against you. Never against you…

He held my hands in his and I could sense the guilt in his voice…but his piercing blue eyes had something harsh…like a long lost warrior, finally coming home…

Do you remember? I do…

14 years ago…

This is a nightmare and it’s going to end very, very soon. Don’t faint…control your breathing…it’s not the moment…for a panic attack. Their waiting for me…to say something. It’s just playing. Pure improvisation. We’re actors and this is an optional school class. Remember? Your choice, to keep your scholarship…And now you’re supposed to play yourself, ten years from now. Get yourself together!

-I always loved you, Claudia…it took me ten years to admit it…and to be brave enough to confess my love to you…Do you feel the same? You’re so silent…just leave me this hope…don’t say a word, just let me show you how beautiful and magical can be this world…The world outside your golden cage…

I have to say something…why can’t I? What’s wrong with me? Ryan is only acting. Oh! My! God! My fiancee is in the audience…and the lights are on me…please God…make this stop!

I turned white, like a ghost, I know it…where? where are we going? Are we leaving the stage? Will I ever wake up?

-A glass of water, she’s losing conscience! Breath, please breath…what have I done?!? You know it was just acting, right? I didn’t meant…

I can’t stop crying…his shirt smells like musk…and his fingers through my hair…I cried on his shirt and people will see…and my mascara…no, don’t…don’t stop…your lips…this sweet pressure…I’m falling…

present days

-It took me more than ten years to come to you…to tell you how sorry I am. I took advantage of your vulnerability. A real man, a man of honor never does this.

-Look, we were both kids. How old were we? 20…21…? And I was oversensitive. I froze, don’t even remember how everything ended…

-I kissed you…right there, behind the scene. I had no right, but…you were so sweet, so sad and lonely, so desperate…so I kissed you like I knew he’ll never kiss you…Then I heard the sound of steps…people were coming…I didn’t wanted to expose you even more than I did…

-Yes…my fiancee was among the people. We almost broke up that evening…but…as you can see…

-Are you happy? Please don’t look down, it’s just a simple question.

I have the family I always wanted. I should be happy…

-I’m sorry to hear, I really hoped it was going to be different for you.

-I’m happy…

-Yeah, right. Then why I see traces of tears in your eyes? Why are you blocking every feeling, every emotion? Why don’t you stop me right now, when I’m about to take you in my arms and to never let you go?

-I don’t know. I swear, Ry…I wish I knew what’s wrong with me…

-Fourteen years. That’s what’s wrong with you. I told myself that it was better, that I was acting in your interest…Know what? These were only excuses. I was afraid to fight for you. I ran away. That’s what’s wrong…

If you were afraid, then…just let it be. Because when you’re in a war against your own feelings, you’re always loosing. So, just let it be peace. And let it be love. For the one who never ran away…

 

Soldier, take off your armor!

He was holding the Bible like a stone ready to be thrown…

-and put down the stone, please…

I froze…the whole church was starring at me. I looked at my husband, sitting next to me, I knew I’m embarrassing him…and all I wanted was to disappear quickly, leaving no trace, no memory…But it wasn’t the case…I spoke the words.

I looked around, searching for any help…no, this was supposed to be my battle. People around me had that amused/intrigued look in their eyes. I dared to argue with their famous preacher…

I was there for the concert…to raise founds for the children…I was tricked. They invited me in their church, acting friendly, yet distant…I heard someone saying “this is going to be interesting” and then the preacher started to…

…to spread hate. That’s all he did…And I should have walked away in the first moment…but I just stood there, I took my Rosary and I started to pray in my mind, trying to ignore…Then it was like something took control over me…and I spoke…asking him to put down the stone…

-It’s so sad that you see in our Bible a stone…And it’s making me angry! Can you see, my dear brothers and sisters? Can you see how the Catholic Church is brainwashing its people? She’s not to blame, she’s a victim, like so many others. Controlled by a wolf disguised in the softest lamb!

I tried to control the trembling of my voice. He looked straight in my eyes, waiting for a response. I looked at my Rosary…asking God to give that answer for me…through me.

And my voice sounded calm, soft, gentle.

-I wasn’t talking about the Holy Bible when I asked you to put down the stone…

-Oh, no? Let’s hear then, brothers, with an open heart…

-Thank you…I was only talking about this huge stone that’s crushing your heart. Can you put it down? Will you? In the name of God…

Someone in the audience approved me silently and someone else smiled at me. The preacher came closer and I saw something in his eyes…Was it fear? I continued in the same soft tone…

-Sometimes people forget…and it’s only human to forget…the essence of our faith. We get lost in our frustrations, in our anger, in our resentments. Do you remember the essence?

He smiled victoriously and took the Bible again in his hands, raising it up.

-Here. The Bible is the essence, the word of God!

-What about Love?

He became pale. I asked God, in my mind, to heal his heart. And then I saw his anger.

-You’re good with words, aren’t you? But that’s only natural…can you see, brothers, big words with nothing behind them. That’s their ideology…

No one approved him this time. I looked at the old lady sitting a bench away. Compassion…that was the emotion in her smile to me.

-Well, let’s see…I listened for an hour to your words. I prayed when your ideology attacked everything I love…I wasn’t going to say anything. Not a single word. But then you called yourself a soldier, so I’m asking you…who are you fighting for?

-God. I’m fighting for God.

-Are you? As a child of God…it doesn’t matter…Catholic or not…Christian or not…simply as a child of our Creator…I’m pleading with you…take off this armor of hate and look deep into your heart. And when you’ll find Him there, in your heart…you’ll also find Love and Forgiveness. And you wont have to fight anymore…only to Believe.

I turned my back and I left. I found myself almost running away, in the cold dark street. Alone, with tears on my face.

Suddenly I realized that someone is rushing to me. A girl I didn’t even saw there…she was crying.

-Please stop…this, what happen there…was so ugly! They had no right, no right at all to judge like they did. I’m sorry, please forgive me!

-Forgive you? You did nothing wrong…

-I was there and I was afraid to speak. I was a part of…that. Forgive me.

I hugged her and I assured her of all my forgiveness and love. And I knew, right then, that it all happen for a reason…

Because it’s only human to forget the essence of our faith. Love. Not religion, not an ideology, not a preacher or any other religious leader. Simply Love. 

So that our souls can be safe…

 

The Sunshine Blogger Award

What a wonderful surprise! My friend Aquib, a very talented blogger, nominated me to The Sunshine Blogger Award! Me, from all people…I cannot even find the words to express my gratitude to him and how privileged and special this makes me feel. So, thank you, Aquib and may it always be sunshine in your life!

Now I want to tell you a little about him and his amazing blog…When I first started to read, I was so touched…not only by his talent but also by his special way of expressing through words and images so many deep emotions, feelings, even life philosophies. He is a generous and carrying soul, writing with so much honesty and generosity about this world’s pain, about love and morality, about life and people. And his latest poem “The ballad of the wall” brought tears int my eyes…

So, if you want to know more and to discover a beautiful and special soul, you can find him here:  https://aquibview.wordpress.com/

Here are the Sunshine Blogger Award Rules:

1.) Thank the person who nominated you in a blog post and link back to their blog.

2.) Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.

3.) Nominate 11 other bloggers to receive the award and write them 11 new questions.

4.) List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or on your blog.

Here are Aquib’s questions:

  1. Write five sentences about yourself?
  2. Have you ever been bullied in school and by whom, brief us about it?
  3. What do you do when you get angry?
  4. How do you describe this life?
  5. Have you ever betrayed or back stabbed someone for anything?
  6. Have you ever had a crush on someone besides any celebrity?
  7. What is so called ‘love’ to you?
  8. Where can you find the ultimate comfort?
  9. Have ever been to something that you arent supposed to, but you arrogantly did that?(anything) 
  10. Do follow any stereotype or any stereotype prevalent nowadays that you want to break, it must not need to be a typical media hype?(Like having an iPhone for eg, Or certain uncomfortable trendy dress that you hate) 
  11. How can you contribute to the society for being positive and respective towards each other, mainly the corruption that is seeding in the minds of young women and men because of obscenity, lust, fame etc.

And these are my answers:

  1. Five sentences about myself: My family matters the most for me. I am a psychologist, working for a religious (Catholic) foundation. Other than my work, I volunteer wherever I’m needed. I pray The Rosary every day. As a teenager, I dreamed of becoming a missionary.
  2. I was bullied in school, at different ages. Mainly by class mates (I was in a school mostly for girls) but in high school I had the unpleasant experience of being bullied by a teacher.
  3. When I get angry, if I can, I cry out all the anger inside…
  4. This life is a journey, a path to follow, a gift, a treasure, something so fragile and yet so precious.
  5. No. And, God’s willing, I never will.
  6. A crush on someone? When I first saw my husband (I was 16) it was…an instant crush 🙂
  7. Love is the force that keeps us alive. The reason this humanity still exists. My reason to smile, to forgive, to give more…
  8. When my children are hugging me…that warm embrace is my greater comfort. Other than this…in my faith.
  9. I almost ran away from home in a school trip…wasn’t arrogant, just desperate, I think.
  10. A stereotype I dislike…young girls or women wearing those fashionable black choker necklaces…I see it daily on the street.
  11. I promote tolerance towards each other, love and faith and a life build on decency and morality…through my own moral behavior and by educating my daughters to become strong, loving, decent woman.

I’m happy to nominate for the Sunshine Blogger Award, the next wonderful people. If, regardless of the reason, you don’t want to accept the award, that’s absolutely okay, you’re still wonderful and special to me. So, my nominees are:

  1. https://thesillysonic.wordpress.com/
  2. https://rupaligoyal.wordpress.com/
  3. https://thesparklingsuitcase.wordpress.com/
  4. https://snehdoshisite.wordpress.com/
  5. https://ahaana24.wordpress.com/
  6. https://pardeepnain.wordpress.com/
  7. https://isabellapiper.wordpress.com/
  8. https://thehappygirlnextdoor.wordpress.com/
  9. https://storybuss.wordpress.com/
  10. https://anansi2050.com/
  11. https://rosesunshine1314.wordpress.com/

And these are my questions:

  1. What is your strongest quality?
  2. Three things you can’t live without?
  3. How old were you when you fell in love for the first time?
  4. Describe your safe place.
  5. What is your favorite season?
  6. Your favorite song?
  7. If you could change anything about you, what would you chose?
  8. A food you can’t stand is…
  9. A quote that defines you is…
  10. What is the quality you appreciate the most in people?
  11. Your favorite moment of day is…

Thank you my dear friends, for your patience, I know this was a long, long post 🙂

Be blessed with sunshine all the way!

This is the hardest story…

So I’ll tell it in a soft voice, whispering the words like the wind whispers through the yellowed leafs…secrets of life itself…

Long, long time ago, in a far away place, there was a little prince. His big blue eyes had a certain gentleness that only noble souls are carrying. His smile had a note of blue, adding even more charm and sweetness to his figure. His firsts eleven springs on this far away place had the smell of blossomed cherry trees and the sound of birds chirping.

He knew stories about dragons and princesses. And he had a secret plan…to marry a princess one day, to build a stronger castle and to live…happily…ever after…

He used to talk to God. His faith was that strong…He believed that prayers are always listened. He trusted Heaven above to send an army of angels. Because he needed help…

His castle was under siege. A wild, tremendous dragon used to come every year. With red eyes and an unstoppable force…the dragon claimed sacrifice. And the little prince felt so helpless, so scared…

With tears in his eyes he confessed his fears in front of his beloved princess. She listened and the love and compassion grew ten times stronger in her soul. And her anger…they planned to escape. Summer, with its white roses would had been the perfect moment. To escape the red eyed dragon…

But summer came and the little prince never showed up…So she knew.

The dragon claimed a life. The life of a little prince. He was given wings to fly high, to join the army of angels.

It is unfair and deeply wrong. A little girl that never felt like a princess, never again. A world that ignored the evidence. A broken heart in a broken castle.

Humanity, where are you when little princes’s castles are under siege?

Dedicated to all the angels who flew to Heaven much too early, abused by the ones they trusted the most. And to my friend Sebastian…your princess never forgot you.

There’s an ocean between us…

They were fighting every night and you heard every word of hate and anger…

-Yes, I did. But I pretended that I’m sleeping in a deep deep and peaceful sleep. Adding this burden to their shoulders…that they’re keeping me from sleeping…well, it simply would have been too much!

-So, you were protecting your parents…how did you protect yourself?

I used to pretend that I don’t understand the words…that I’m from a different country…and I simply don’t speak their language. 

-But one night you heard a word that sounded the same…in their language as in yours.

No, not the same. Divorce…that was the word…for me it was tragedy.

-Tell me what happen.

I heard them fighting, I heard the word…it was 2 a.m. and I heard my mother opening the door to our balcony. And I was so afraid…I followed her to the balcony…she was crying, looking down…I thought she’ll jump…

-What did you tell her?

That I cannot imagine my life without the both of them…that if they divorce, I don’t want to live anymore. And that she has to stay for me. 

-How old were you?

I was nine…

– …and here I am, thinking, writing, dreaming…in a foreign language. With a sleep pattern from a different continent. Building relationships with people I’ll only meet on line…people from across the ocean…

He listened silently…this last part of my confession…I know it touched him deeply. He thought I’m perfect…he thought he knows me perfectly. But he asked…and I promised him honesty. If not love, let it be honesty…

I know this look on his face. I know his unspoken thoughts…”Why do you need this? Why can’t you settle with what we have?” 

You’re so far away…There’s an ocean between us…an ocean and no airplane, no helicopter, no submarine…can help you cross it. Only LOVE.

Because this ocean, we created it ourselves. First time when we pronounced the word. Divorce. But, you know, I’m still here…we did not burn every bridge…So, let’s say the right words and meet in the middle. TOGETHER.

It’s just the weight of the world

And you’re carrying it through storms and rain, fire and wild winds…

I heard his voice but I still couldn’t open my eyes. It was almost like hearing him from another world, another time…And I was lost there, in this magic sensation. His hands on my bare shoulders…

See…no more pain. You just pushed yourself too hard lately. Remember the secret place? Where you used to hide when we were kids? Remember when they searched for you for more than an hour? The doctor was waiting with…

-With the sharpest needle I ever saw. Ready to torture me!

He laughed, drawing an imaginary needle on my bare back.

-That big! You said you’d rather die than taking that painful treatment. 

-Yes. And you started to cry saying “nooo, don’t die!” But I wasn’t dying. I was just terrified by the pain…Stephan, I remember! The doctor gave YOU the injection!

He pulled me closer and the sudden move made me fall on the bed…

-Look what you did!

-What? I did nothing! You just needed an excuse to fall on my bed!

-Yeah, right…I’m sure you’d like to think so…

It took me by surprise how careless I was acting around him. And how easy it was for me to laugh…

Silly girl…you really think I took that painful treatment for you! It means I was a pretty good actor…Now, listen to the cruel reality…I arranged with the doctor to pretend that I’m in pain…

-Why? I remember how you screamed. And you cried like a little baby! I laughed a whole month…

I did it so you’d laugh and feel braver…I knew it would help you. The doctor said it was a brilliant idea!

-So you tricked me!

He turned my head so I could face him, but I couldn’t look into his eyes.

-What’s wrong?

-I don’t know. I have to go…

He stopped me from leaving. His arms were stronger than I remembered.

These tears…do you know what you’re doing now? You’re searching for a place to hide. Because, deep inside your heart, you’re still terrified of the pain. Any pain…Baby, I’m not here to cause you pain…I’m here to take away the burden from these delicate shoulders of yours. 

I looked deep into his eyes.

-I know, Stephan. I’m starting to realize it…But we both know what it will happen if I wont hide. The consequences of my brokenness will continue to break…every one I love. And this weighs more than the world itself…

Because my first choice will always be my family. And I’m afraid…not of my pain…

but of their own…

Praying for the desperate hearts…tonight

Just like mine. And just like yours.

Desperate to love and to feel loved. In a deep need of hearing the words. Searching for certitude, for a reassuring that the words mean more than a beautiful empty shell. I love you. My desperate heart praying for yours…

To find its way home…

And I want you. With no buts. I simply want you. No explanations, no justifications, no trades, no hidden agendas. Every rose petal needs the touch of a gentle summer rain. When did this become so inappropriate? Have we forgotten? Have you? My aching heart praying for yours…

To find the gentle summer rain…

And I’m yours. Because you are mine and we are one. You saw it in my eyes and you smiled. But my pride was so strong and the wall was so thick…I took your smile and smashed it to the ground, screaming from the top of my lungs you will never have me! A demonstration of power that ended in tears and deep solitude. My lonely heart praying for yours…

To find a break through the wall…

Scared and insecure. With scars that will never completely heal. Incomplete, hurt, alone and broken inside. Is this me? Or is it you? And I know it’s wrong…

But tonight my desperate heart is praying…

That your heart would be desperate too.

 

Now that you are falling…

Can you take me to a safe place…once again? 

I looked at her bruised face, trying to remember. This girl with big, scared eyes. Looking for a way to escape an abusive relationship…I saw these eyes before, I saw these tears…long, long time ago. It was the winter of 1989…

The cold, dark street was the last place where a nine year old should have been…Still, I was there, clinging to my mother’s arm. Begging her to take me home. Caught between the angry crowd fighting against communism and the armed soldiers. No place to run, no way back…

I was told to stop crying and to be brave. No one would hurt us, we did nothing wrong. But their guns were loaded. Someone pushed me and I fell down on the frozen street. People were shouting louder and louder. Screams and the sound of shootings.

Find a refuge, a shelter. The church…the big church…They took their children in their arms and ran to the church. Then I saw her. Lost from her parents, crying so loud, bruised. I can’t remember if it was my idea or if my parents told me…but I held her tiny hand tight and she stopped crying.

And I can’t remember when or why I started to run in the opposite direction. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I remember a voice telling me that church is not a safe place…

We found her parents that way. And we found salvation. The big church closed its gates in front of the scared people. They found no shelter, no refuge. The blood of the innocents on the stairs of the church…

-You probably don’t remember me, I was only 7 back then…You told me that we’re warriors and warriors don’t cry. I idealized you in my childhood memories. You were the big sister I never had, the friend who’d never let me down, the role model…Then I found you on Facebook and I saw that you became a psychologist. And this gave me the courage…

-I do remember you, little warrior. The bravest child…I was shaking like a leaf, trying to be brave because my mother told me so, but in the inside…

-You do remember! You were my hero…

-A hero…we were just children, caught in the wrong time of history, in the worst place possible. Having no choice but to save our lives. Regardless of the traumas and the nightmares after…

-I still have nightmares…I dream that I’m falling and I can’t stop…How did you overcome the trauma? What’s the secret? Therapy? Faith? Love?

-Maybe all of them…Or, maybe, I simply refused to let myself be defined by my traumas.

I just wear my scars, day after day, knowing that if I get scared…if I get lost…

A heavenly voice will calm me and take me to a safe place.

 

 

Ten thousand reasons for your heart to smile!

For every time you chose life. And you make this choice ten thousand times every day. So, yes, you are brave! And honest and generous…So, maybe it’s about time to forgive yourself and to start liking the beautiful person you see in the mirror. 

He avoided looking at me. The confession of a broken man…A man who failed. A lost soul. These were the ways he described himself. His hands were shaking. Free falling. “Help me”. “I need to accept the unacceptable”.

You committed no crime. But, as long as you define yourself in these terms, your heart will be overwhelmed by guilt. And guilt leads to…

Punishment. “Because that’s what I deserve”.

What’s the foundation of love? Is it build on guilt? On judgement and blame?

His hands were shaking so violently that he spilled the coffee. “I don’t deserve His love. I keep wasting every chance I was given.”

Every chance? How about this chance right here and right now? The tears in your eyes, what are they telling?

“That I repent. That I’m guilty. That I am…”

Human, maybe? Human enough to fall in love? Brave enough to look into your heart. Strong enough to ask for help when sadness and fear become unbearable. 

“You don’t understand. Yes, I love her. But I made a choice. I have a calling. I can’t simply leave the Seminary.”

You’re only twenty. So many choices, so many paths, so many decisions ahead of you. Yes, this is an important one. It’s only natural to hesitate. But remember, always remember…who you are.

“A future priest.”

Let’s say it differently. A child of God. Before being a future priest, you are a child of God. Do you agree?

“Yes”

As God is pure Love, are you allowed to love? Are you allowed to change your path in the name of love? 

“The way you’re saying it…just takes all the blame away. People will judge me. And her. They will blame her. My family will never accept our love. What will I do then?”

You’ll love her enough to create a shelter. A shelter of love, honesty, trust. You’re smiling, that’s a good sign. I never saw you smiling, never saw this beautiful light in your eyes.

He hugged me and messaged her, saying he’s better. The girl of his dreams. “Thank you for everything you did for us.”

Not me. I was just…asking for inspiration. Willing to repeat the words created by God to comfort and support. And He did what He always does. Loving us, His children, unconditionally.