How to fill an empty page

He slowly walks towards us, just to say hello, obviously disturbed by our presence. He asked us to be there, but it’s in his nature to make people feel small, unimportant and weak. His arrogant smile tells us he had his way…

As I watch myself in the small mirror on the dark corridor, I have to admit, I do look small and humble, so I guess he succeeded. I can tell, by the watery hand that I’m holding, that I’m not the only one feeling scared.

She comes to us with an honest smile, but her eyes look down and I cannot see any spark, any shining human emotion. She is polite and sociable, she can show interest towards anyone and anything, but we all know, it’s just for the show.

There’s nothing real in the affection and attention she mimics.

He speaks of subjects he reads, he explains science documentaries he saw. She smiles and nods, without interrupting him, of course, it would be so rude! But I do and I love it! I love how his eyes get narrow and his rictus grin becomes uglier than ever. Do I hate him? I probably do.

I interrupt him just to speak with her. To ask her how she’s feeling. To see those blue eyes, that once were bright, lifting slowly to meet my gaze. To see that smile, that once was honest, appearing again for a brief moment. To hear her say she’s alright, even if I know she’s lying!

But his voice covers her fragile answers and I know…from now on, I’ll only get silence from her. And ugly, angry eyes from him. I did crossed some ridiculous line. But they needed us here, so this is where we’re staying.

Because this family picture has no value without witnesses.

I should be leaving, but something tells me to stay and to try again and again to bring her back. From the imaginary world she’s creating behind those quiet blue eyes. A world where she can rebel, a world where she feels loved.

Years from this moment he’ll sit by her coffin, explaining us about cancer. The causes, the symptoms, the costs! And I’ll stay there, watching her white, small, tired body, taken to the grave. And I’ll swear I’ll never be like that!

I’ll fight a million battles with the force of my rebellion! And I’ll shout a million angry words! And I’ll break a million chains and barriers if that’s what it takes!

For now…all I have is an empty page, where I should write about her. Her necrology…and I’m lost for words…Because happiness can only fill a heart and sadness is empty by itself. It’s only anger that fills this empty page…

And faith that fills an empty heart. 

And love is the reason behind this blog post.

 

 

 

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Is there anyone out there?

“Anyone at all?” she asked in a broken voice, but only the falling leafs seemed to answer to her calling. They flew around her, swirling and giggling in the wind’s turmoil. She was never that lonely, nor that eager to run into someone’s arms. Anyone’s arms…

She was a runaway, like so many others before her. Little birds, escaping golden cages, brave little creatures who craved for more than crumbles, they needed the rain and the rainbow, the sun and the lightnings, the love and the passion of being free!

This little bird always considered her story as being boring, common and flat. Nothing to complain about in her perfect little world. Nothing to dream about, for she never truly knew her needs and her desire. Hunger and thirst, cold and heated, desperate and euphoric…those were notions she only knew theoretically…

In a perfectly round cage, safety is a sure thing. That’s how her masters used to say and she learned gratitude by heart! That’s what kept her away the cold, dangerous, tormented, real world outside. She would never ask if she’s free to fly.

Freedom? Of course she’s free! Can’t you see that I never locked her in? Can’t you find the open door, sweet little bird? But she was violently shaking her little head in the palm of her keeper. NO! No open door would ever be more alluring than his fingers gently caressing her silky feathers.

So he acted neglectful and she became restless. Not only the little door of her golden cage, but also the big window of the his golden home…how many temptations is a little heart doomed to repress? If the enemy’s out there, in the big, wild world…then how come she’s so sad and lonely, right here, inside?

It was not the hand that fed her, it was not him to blame for this outcome…

It’s the eye that stopped seeing her beauty, it’s the ear that stopped hearing her songs, it’s the heart that stopped beating in the same rhythm as hers.

“Anyone at all? Anyone to love with everything in me? Anyone to care  for this crazy little bird? Just someone…anyone…”

She was just a runaway who, like so many others before her, disappeared under the starry sky. And we’ll never know…

if she found anyone at all…

or she went into the unknown, hungry and exhausted…

if she ever found her way back home…

or she just found an escape from the big wild cage we call REAL world…

if someone loved her to her last moments…

or another hunter loved to have in her a different kind of pray.

But there’s one thing I’m sure about: She wont be the last little bird who’s replacing an illusion for another. You, little bird, just like me, with struggling hearts, desperately kicking the walls of our golden cages…freedom…what an impossible dream…what a misfortune…

…it’s in our human nature to fulfill it!

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.picturesboss.com/pictures/canary-bird-flying-0c.html

 

Don’t cry for your lost love…

If every love story would have a color, mine would be like the gentle golden rays of an early autumnal morning…

If the memories would turn to music, ours would be like a lovely lullaby, sung by a choir of angels…

If my sadness would have a taste, it would be the sweetness of the unseen tears on my lips when you kissed me goodbye…

So, tell me…

Where do the falling stars live? Is there a secret, invisible sky that I could, maybe, look at? While calling your name again and again…in vain…

Or should I search for your smile at the end of the rainbow? If we could find that magical place, with heavenly nuances, maybe we could be happy there…

Is there a special paradise meant for all the innocent hearts that die too soon, too often, too cruelly? Can you take me there?

Because, you see, if my love is a gentle golden light, I don’t want to be colorblind.

If my memories sound like a lullaby, I don’t want to mute the music.

Oh, my sadness…it tastes like acid rain on my dried lips, and I don’t want to die thirsty and desperate!

I know there’s life after love, just that my heart is refusing it…

But here I am, pleading with you, love… my love, don’t cry. Don’t read the lines through blurry eyes, they’re only meant to heal our hearts. Life has been so generous to me…I had you in my arms!

Don’t cry, don’t ever cry…Let’s taste the kisses of the rain drops, they’ll take us to the special place where hearts live in heavenly nuances…

And love will be eternal.

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.toperfect.com/woman-walk-at-beach-watermark.html

 

 

You’ll still be safe!

“-What took you so long? You missed it, you know? You missed the beginning! And it was beautiful, in a sad way…Or, was it sad in a beautiful way? Either way, you’ll never see it again. Aren’t you sad?”

I hugged the little arms desperately clinging to me, surprised to noticed my inner strength. I wiped away the tears that fall on the porcelain cheeks of the angel and I made sure that her wings were perfectly able to fly. Then I listened to her story.

“-You wouldn’t think that 90 days are that much, would you? But still, it was like a life time to me! You were nowhere to be found, so I had to watch it burn all by myself. You know you were missing for 90 days exactly, right? And it burned, it collapsed all over me…Aren’t you scared?”

I touched her golden hair, until every rebel strand of hair gently fell on her shoulders. We sat down between the ruins of an old house, the place I used to call “my church”. There’s no coincidence that I was gone for 90 days exactly, how could it be, when I was brought back at the right moment?

“-To save me, right? Listen! The end of the world started when you left! The old church burned and collapsed under the weight of its own hypocrisy, while the idols only showed their powerlessness. Some people saw it, many walked away…I stayed until the last burning candle, against every good judgement…Aren’t you angry?”

We spoke about that so many times before, we tried to prepare our hearts. For the moment when the walls will crumble and the old church will fall, along with all its idols. It’s suppose to make room for a the new one! The real one, the only one! We talked about it, remember? I asked with a smile, while the little angel was practicing her dancing steps up in the air.

“-But now, that you’re back, and you’re not sad anymore…will you take me to the new church? 

And…since you’re not scared anymore, will you follow the light you’re carrying?

So…if you’re not angry anymore, maybe you’ll reach out your hands to the sky, asking Him for guidance and salvation?”

I looked down, searching for the answers. Something better than “not knowing”, something stronger than “not carrying”, something more valuable than “not wanting.” And I felt like crying…

“-No, silly, don’t cry! I was only teasing you…Don’t you see? If every wall in every church will crumble down, you’ll still be safe!

And if your eyes can’t see the light, you’ll still walk on the right path!

Because His real church lives in every human heart…and you are here for a reason. Guided by the light, He saved your heart from freezing and gave you a mission and a purpose.

So, you see…the end of the world did not started 90 days ago…no…

It starts every moment, when we lose our faith.

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.cmgworldwide.com/sandra-kuck/

 

My favorite miracle today…

The blue skies are smiling above me and, for one moment, it’s almost impossible to remember my blindness. Was it my free choice or was it, simply, another way of growing? I needed time and I needed honesty…

To face my dark side, to let the darkness tell its stories…to fall…yes, I needed this falling.

Because my eyes refused to see the Light and my heart denied the Love. Blinded by the veil that was meant to protect me, I could not accept the salvation. I thought I’m safer there…on the darkest paths of my soul.

The things I found out were the truths that have always haunted me.

That love will only survive in a free, childlike heart.

And faith turns life into a joyful journey, even when it’s hard.

And perfection doesn’t belong to a human soul.

But I was old, too old…and sad, too sad….judgemental and too critical…to be even able to see Love…or Faith doing their miracles into my life. This was my blindness. My brokenness and my pain. This was the reason for my running away.

The blue skies are smiling above me, like they always did. And here I am, back home, learning all the little, imperfect steps. I may not be a bright light on this earth made of so many nuances, I may not use the right words when they’re needed, my love may not find ways to express itself loud enough, clear enough…but I am home.

Home, where I know I am loved.

I guess that’s my favorite miracle today.

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-a-pathway-1690355/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Invisible

So, was it when I chose to hide away my tears?

I wonder if you knew about my longest night,

When darkness almost overcame the light!

To know about my bravest fight…

Would you be proud of me?

Just tell me honestly!

Or was it when I silenced all my fears?

 

So, was it when I gave myself to you?

There was no shame or anger in my brightful eyes,

You never looked behind…to see how high it flies

My heart, filled with your lies…

How could you set it free?

Just tell me honestly!

Or was it when I said “I love you too…” ?

 

So, was it when I let you lead this dance?

We said our vows, you promised me you’ll stay

Through storms and calm, through night and day,

In times when I no longer pray…

Would you believe in me?

Just tell me honestly!

Or, was it when I gave a second chance?

 

It’s not of curiosity that I keep breaking through

This silence only hurts like hell!

The walls get closer, I can tell…

Is life a carousel?!

So, was it when I loved you more than life?

Or was it when your love became a knife

That cut and hurt and killed the “me and you”?

 

Your eyes that pierced my soul, now look away…

It was supposed to last for ever and a day…

“I love you more”…that’s how you used to say…

Through storms and hell…we would have been okay

As long as love would guide our twisted way…

Don’t cry…it’s not that terrible

My question stands, unbearable!

Time wont return, life’s not repairable!

When was that I became invisible?

 

 

I found the image at: https://aminoapps.com/c/emosescritores/page/blog/amigos-invisiveis/g8wN_vEf6uVdJqWV3X4mKLRNMqW3oqjjbb

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t call it “dark”!

She is beautiful in her favorite pink dress, with flowers and puffy sleeves. She wears matching ribbons in her blonde hair and her shoes have fine silver lines with just the perfect touch of glitter. She has the brightest smile, simply glowing in the light of the summer’s sun.

She always smiles. 

She knows how precious love can be, that’s why all her words creates love and kindness. Her memories go back to the moment when she promised she’ll never be alone again, so she’s holding on to this promise with the strength of a thousand waterfalls. She will say whatever it’s needed to whomever needs it.

She always says the right words.

She never cries in public because she was told that that’s the biggest disgrace for such a lovely little girl. It was enough for her to repress an ocean of anger, pain and frustration. The scratched knees, the rejections, the missunderstanding of a world that only asks for drama…who needs her tears? And who needs her truths?

She always walks proudly, holding her head up high.

Well, one day she fell. Her perfect glittering shoes betrayed her and the puffy sleeves proved to be nothing but useless pieces of outfit. It also proved that her favorite pink dress wasn’t quite an armor and the matched ribbons were not supposed, after all, to protect her beauty from the mischievous mud she fell in.

She called it “dark”. And darkness needs to be fought and defeated. Right?

So she became a warrior and, like every true hero, she started to save people. The main purpose was the salvation of the world itself, but she was willing to admit that that’s quite a challenge these days. What will you do with a world who refuses to be saved? In the name of faith…that’s how she justified her bravery. Still, there are no words to justify her loneliness and her foolishness. And when her faith was nothing but a facade…

Will she be called “a demon” if she cannot pray anymore?

Sweet little girl, where are your tears, when you scratch your knees, falling to the ground?

Brave child, where are your cries for help, when they took away their love, leaving you orphan and incomplete?

Beautiful heart, where do you keep your anger, when they ask you to be kind instead of breaking these hypocrite walls of righteousness?

Will you blame it on your dark side?

Well, don’t call it “dark”. It’s only human.

 

 

Don’t tell them…

Blue teddy-bear, please stay and hold my heart once more…

I’ll hold you tight and love you like never had before,

I’ll tell you all my stories, my faith I will restore!

For you, my childhood’s sweetest, the one I still adore…

 

Blue teddy bear, forgive me for growing up so fast!

I thought that life’s a playground and love’s supposed to last,

I hoped his tender arms will wipe away the past…

But here I am: a loner, a black sheep, an outcast!

 

Blue teddy bear, where are you when darkness casts its cold?

You left me empty hearted, with no one else to hold…

Blank pages fill my stories, white lies was all I told,

Into a world that’s breaking even the hearts of gold!

 

Blue teddy bear, I wonder, would you remember me?

I’m different, yet the same…and never ever free…

I’m still the girl who left you under the cherry tree…

My love is still volcano and restless like the sea!

 

Blue teddy bear, don’t tell them the silly dreams of mine!

Don’t speak your words of wisdom when silence is just fine!

I need you back to leave you behind me…one more time

I love you and I hate you, my childhood’s sweetest rhyme…

Blue teddy bear, don’t tell them ’bout this terrible sign!

They’ll say I’m bad and guilty! And all I do is crime!

And even worse they’ll call me…

They’ll call me “borderline”.

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.istockphoto.com/video/miserable-abandoned-teddy-bear-outdoors-gm1030228212-276026934

 

 

 

I’m never letting go…

She offered me a silver cup filled with hot chocolate and an embrace…“so that you’ll never get lost again on your way home”. And I was lost for words, mesmerized by the sweet feeling of being safe. I stood there, watching her moving around, in her little kitchen, touching the crystal plates with so much care.

“I’m setting the table for a princess. For you. Welcome home.”

I smiled, the world outside was slowly disappearing. I never knew that angels can be so close, I can almost see their wings reflected so beautiful by the shining of the crystal plates. And I’m thinking that all the signs, all the torment, all the emptiness had a meaning.

“You’re the only angel around here. We are just memories.”

I survived through memories, but this makes no sense. How can a memory keep me hopeful and faithful when glory faded away and my castle was made of shifting sands. But all my philosophical thinking seems to be dissolved in the sweet chocolate taste.

“Don’t go…stay a little more.”

I’d stay for an eternity here, drinking hot chocolate from a silver cup. I’d stay in this warm embrace for ever and a day…But the abyss is calling me and I have to give in. The wolf inside me is hungry for pain. Oh, how I’d stay in her arms…

I open my eyes and my lips taste sweet. The bridge is narrow and rocky, it hurts me to stand here, bare foot. The black waters bellow me are calling me with deceiving promises of healing and rest. There’s nothing pulling me back this time.

“Not even a cup of your favorite hot chocolate?”

What was this voice whispering from the highest skies? Where is this feeling of warmth coming from, like I’m being embraced by Light itself? And why am I forgiven, if I’ll never forgive myself?

“Because you are loved. Get off the bridge and follow your path, you are called to love back.”

And then I knew why all the white feathers around me seem to point to one direction only…to Light. The only love I’m never letting go.

 

I found the image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/386113368036337423/?lp=true

 

What if…(BPD awarness)

So, what if I’d tell you that you’ll grow up to be completely and utterly alone? Surrounded by people, some calling you “friend”, some calling themselves “your family”, without you ever feeling any emotional bond…

What if you’d end up wearing such a thick mask, so that no one could guess what hides behind that painted smile of yours? And all your efforts will be in vain…one thick wall broken down, just to reveal another million walls behind it…

What if you’d never be capable to hug your mother, even in your highest distress…or hers? She’ll look at you with tears in her eyes and her pain will kill you inside…still, your arms will stay stiff and your body frozen…

What if you wouldn’t have any friends, because you left them, one by one, in fear and anguish that they’ll be the firsts to leave you? Just because your fear of being abandoned, as irrational and foolish as it may seem, is the only stable thing in your life…

What if some day the man who loved you once more than life itself, would call you “a monster”? You’d see the blood and the wounds, you’d see the pain and the defeat and you’d know you did this to him! You’d wish you were the wounded one, you’d wish you could attack and harm yourself, instead of him…

What if your body would suffer from hunger, thirst, pain, exhaustion, while you’re living a life of luxury? Oh, don’t say it’s impossible…if you starve yourself to death, trying to be thin when all you truly want is to be accepted…

What if you’d face, like a daily nightmare, the desperation of knowing that someone, somewhere, somehow, will see the darkness inside you? You’d look into your children’s eyes, praying you wont see any of the shadows that are consuming your soul…

What if you’d hate your best friend because you loved too much and was given so little? Love, hate, anger, kindness – all coexisting in the same being, at the same time – yours! You are insane, ill, sick and suicidal, but no one knows…

Right…what if you’d have one dream and only: to find the courage to make that deep cut, that jump, that fall…just because is too emotional exhausting to be yourself. And, by the way…who are you? What if you’d never find out?

What if one day you’d try to see your reflection and a demon will smile to you from the mirror?

Would you still want this existence?

Yes, my God of Mercy and Love, I would…Because I know YOU’ll be with me all the way…

Borderline Personality Disorder is NOT a death sentence. Please don’t turn it into one!

 

 

Image found via google images