Do you love him as much as I love her?

Do you love him? Are you happy…as happy as I was with her? Do you fall asleep with a smile? A smile I knew so well…

I hug him tight, trying to feel every heartbeat. A desperate attempt to silence the crying within our hearts. Two lost souls, both searching for peace. He lost her long ago. I’m losing him every day. Little by little, with every embrace I’m not sharing, with every tear I’m hiding away, with every “I love you” not meant to be his…

I remember her singing and laughing, she had the sweetest voice I ever heard. What was the last song that touched your heart? And the reason for your sweet laughter…can you remember…the last time you look into his eyes and smiled with all your heart?

I never laugh…and his songs don’t touch my heart anymore. Why is he singing? If no one listens…does he imagine that my heart still sings with him? That I’m still waiting?

I lost her when I stopped singing for her.

I lost him when I closed my heart to him.

I left her while she was so deeply in love with me.

I gave up on our love while he still believed we can make it.

Look at me…I’m the same boy you fell for…love him once again.

Look at me, the woman in me is still laughing and singing. But you can’t hear her, don’t you? And you don’t want her anymore…You miss…

I miss my girl.

I want my man.

We hardly remember each other. So, while our memories are still burning inside our souls…

Can we create new ones?

Would you die? For the one you love?

Sitting on the edge of my bed, he took my hand and looked into my eyes. With love, a love I wouldn’t expected. Anger, resentment, harsh words…I was ready to face them all. But love…how do I handle this love? Where do I hide its light when the darkness inside me is calling me to deny it?

How will I explain this compassion, this gentleness, this great forgiveness to my hardened, rocky heart? That knows nothing but bitterness…

And this voice, the song of all songs…

-What pushed you so far away from me? When and how have I lost you…? When all I did was waiting here, like a beggar, for just a little sign that you’re willing to open your heart…

The guilt was building inside me like a dark flame. He wiped away my salty tears. I tried to say “I’m sorry” but he stopped me.

-Don’t…I know your heart better than you know yourself. You want to leave and you are free to do it. You said I’m the one to blame. I wasn’t there. I didn’t listened to your crying. I didn’t cared…Oh, if you only knew how deeply it hurts. Don’t look down…look into your heart.

And I’m looking…

I see myself falling and I see him…lifting me up.

I see myself tired and I see him…carrying me home.

I see myself in the middle of a nightmare and I see him…holding me tight when I sleep, chasing away the shadows around me.

I see myself betraying him…and he’s in pain.

I see myself hurting him, shouting at him, hating him and I see…his love growing.

-And now, look into my eyes. This is the promise I’m making. This is why I came for you.

His love, his protection, his ever lasting light. And I can’t…I want to run so I wouldn’t face this guilt anymore. But my feet hurts, everything hurts and I fall. He holds me once again and my lips can’t move, but my heart is speaking out in pain.

“I am sorry…I am so deeply sorry…please forgive me…and never stop loving me.”

-Do you know who I am?

“You’re my Lord, Jesus Christ.”

-Do you love me?

“I love you. I’d die for you, my Lord”

–Then live for me.

…

My head is hurting from crying myself to sleep again. It’s 4 am and the raging storm is howling in the darkness. I look at the pills and I remember the miracle. With trembling hands I empty the small bottle into the trash. And with a trembling voice I speak into the darkness.

There’s no way back now, Lord. I will live for you.

 

–

 

 

 

 

I had no choice (but to become a warrior)!

“You have no faith, none! You don’t know our Holy Bible, you’re immature, selfish and self-centered! And not even now, in our last days…because, hear me out, these are the last days…so, not even now, you’re not willing to repent! May God have mercy on your soul!”

15 years ago…

I leave the church in tears and, as proud as I am, as stubborn as I am, there is a shadow of doubt…what if he’s right? What if this is who I am? What if I’m unlovable because I’m immature and selfish and self-centered.

My mind is starting to recite, by heart, all of my sins. The huge one, the capital one, the one that made me run frightened…what was it? The relics of Saint Anthony were still there…I didn’t touched them. I didn’t worshiped them…I refused to stay in that line of people, all waiting. What for? If I didn’t felt it in my heart? Why would I do the ritual?

My feet are hurting, but my heart is in pain and my eyes are burning. He was one of the people I admired the most. He’ll never tell me the words, never again…

“You are special.”

Here I am, paying the price for this illusion. My illusion or his illusion?

“Admit it, you have a crush on him.”

Someone told me and I denied it in such an aggressive way…But still, here I am, my feet are carrying me back to the church. The church where I met him. The church where we prayed together. The church where I fell…No, I did not fell in love! And here I am, waiting on that line. Willing to do whatever it takes. Even if I don’t…believe…?

I’m 22 but I act like I were 12…that’s how blind I became. He’s my age, but he seems more mature with his faith, his philosophies of life, his untamed trust…And I keep disappointing him. I hate this, I hate waiting on that line…

The relics of Saint Anthony are still there, looking back at me. I imagine that the Saint knows what’s in my heart and I’m starting to cry. HE saw me. He saw me waiting on that line! He comes to me with the most beautiful smile I ever saw.

“See, little one…it’s not that hard to believe. To recognize the weakness of your soul. The lack of love and faith…”.

The lack of love? My soul is on fire and this is more devastating than the flames of hell itself. The Saint looks back at me with an encouraging smile. Go ahead, child, tell him!

And I do…God, I do it!

“You have no love, none! You don’t know your own heart, how would you know mine! And you never truly understood our Holy Bible! And not even now, in our last moments together…because yes, these are my last words addressed to you…not even now, you’re not willing to open your heart. And your eyes! So, goodbye.”

I stumble on my way out of the church. And I remember and I almost yell at him.

“And I loved you! You…may God have mercy on your soul, because I really did loved you!”

And I run away, fast, very fast…running out of this circle of victimizing myself. I never look back…maybe once or twice, when I need to remember…

that Faith is all about love, forgiveness and tolerance. 

About understanding at a deep level how One’s sacrifice saved our world once. 

And only our LOVE could save it once again.

 

Would you help me stand?

In the sweet candle’s light even the sound of music seemed to descend straight from heaven. And their love was visible, a halo of light…oh, how blessed was I just to be near them…

He was holding her hand with so much tenderness and she laid her head on his shoulder. He kissed her hair and they both laughed. And I knew I had to say something, just to prevent this magic from being broke.

-I’m so sorry for starring at you two…but you look so happy together. The way you look at each other, almost like you complete each other’s thoughts…I’m amazed and happy that a love like yours still exists!

They thanked me warmly and I knew I’m right. This love I’m seeing in front of me is real. True and honest. Unbreakable and pure. He will be there for her for an eternity. She will love him with all she has in her for more than a lifetime.

I wanted to ask them what’s their secret but I stopped. She was wearing the Miraculous Medal…is it faith? The guarantee that her love will remain untouched by time and sorrows…He was playing with a small fluffy heart that he bought for her, knowing she still adores soft toys. Then he saw the little red rose on the table and arranged the flower in her hair, smiling when she discovered his work of art…

So…is it tenderness? Keeping the inner child alive? Laughing together? Seeing the best in each other, no matter what? Saying I love you in more than one way? Even without words or especially without words? Is it…all?

Can we have it all? Just for a day? Like it was before?

He whispered something in her ear and she suddenly looked straight in my eyes. And I looked down, ashamed and frightened. But her voice spoke to my heart, like no other…

Why don’t you dance? Listen to this soft music, look at the stars above us, feel the warmth of so many white candles around us…Dance with him. Ask him to help you stand if you feel like falling…

…

-So…what nightmare did you had this time? You fell asleep for like…five minutes…and look at this pillow…all wet from your tears. What was it this time?

–It wasn’t a nightmare, I had a vision. It was a message and I need…

-You have a sunstroke, not visions, not messages! No wonder you have nightmares, listen to this music, so loud…

-Listen to me, please. I went back in time and I saw us, when we were young…we were around 21…that vacation when you proposed me…remember? You bought me that fluffy heart? How could you forget? Remember how I was always wearing the Miraculous Medal and…remember that rose that you put in my hair?

-What rose…oh, my God…I almost forgot about it! The rose faded away and you were still wearing it…How could you dream such thing? It was…ages ago!

-I know! Listen to the music, it’s our song! I want to dance…

-Honey, you can’t even stand…

-Help me stand, please…Would you? 

And then…dance with me till the end of times. Even if I feel like falling. Especially then. Dance me back to life, all over again.

 

I want to be where no memories mar…*

Our eyes met and I knew deep inside my heart…this is destiny…We needed no words, but he wanted me to know, to hear and to remember his voice…

“I saw you before…in every princess from my childhood’s books. And I was the hero…your hero.”

He listened to me and, no matter how brave I was trying to be, the tremble in my voice was more than he could take…

“If something would ever happen to you, I just can’t imagine…I’d rather lose my freedom and I’d freely give away my soul if that’s what it takes…to keep you safe…”

He laughed and kissed the traces of my tears.

“So you made a mistake, so what? So you’re not perfect…that’s absolutely wonderful! You’re mine! My woman, my love, my sweetheart! Not some cold, untouchable, perfect porcelain doll…”

…

I guess I said it out loud…I spoke about my fears…

“I’m not cold, I’m rational. And I think you’re overreacting…anyway, I can’t always stay behind you like a babysitter. If you’re afraid to walk on dark streets, you’d better take some self-defense classes!”

He raised his voice and, for the first time, I felt the need to defend myself…from him.

“I can’t stand it! You’re accusing me of things you’ve done! Your mistakes and yours only! And I have nothing to do with them!”

The door closed behind him. I look around me…everything is so familiar and yet so strange…I’m home, but I feel I’m surrounded by strangers…

“Well, you don’t really like anyone, don’t you? You’re perfect! That’s why you’re so lonely…”

…

-I love you.

–I love you too.

-I don’t feel loved.

–I don’t feel loved either.

-Your words can cut as deep as any knife.

-I don’t remember saying these words. I never realized how they sound.

-You don’t remember and I can’t forget. What will we do? I still want you in my life…

 

Emotional abuse is just as painful as the physical one. Use your words gently, wisely, loving and tenderly. Especially with the ones you love.

*This post was inspired and dedicated to a very special lady, who overcame the consequences of emotional abuse and learned to heal others through her words.

 

 

 

When all I wanted was to hold you tight…

Go on, talk to her…she already knows your deepest secrets. Your anger, your pain, your anguish and sorrows. And the tears…see, you cannot fool her…no wave could ever wash away your crying. So, go on, just talk to her. My forever love knows how to listen… 

His forever love rushed angrily to the shore. The sea is so agitated, reflecting the ambiguity of my own emotions. Light and darkness, love and pain, tenderness and anger…His forever love saw them all. And how many tears fell in the salty blue waters….

And, for no reason, I can’t talk today. I want to break free, I want to swim away from the shore and I want to howl to the stormy waters…I just don’t want to talk. I feel I should, just like I used to, as a child. But I’m not a child anymore, not today…And I cry again in front of this old sailor who probably thinks I’m just another weird, drugged, lost tourist…

But the truth is…this is HOME and I’m tired of denying it. Here, far away from pretending a joy I never recalled as my own…Deep into my sadness. Crying in front of a stranger, but…aren’t we all strangers?

Oh yes, marriage is complicate business. And I saw you two, you’re like fire and ice. When one is melting, the other gets destroyed. Isn’t it funny? You can’t get close to one another…

He laughs but the sea knows better…his boat is bouncing dangerously…I look around me, there is so much beauty in the wild. Another huge wave reminds me that I’m too close…the cliffs are terribly sharp and I know I was never safe, but…

I just don’t want to leave.

You better get off those cliffs, Miss…My old lady can be pretty harsh when she’s mad. And she’s mad like hell. No sweet words can calm her down once she’s set on bringing me down. Come on, give me that pretty hand of yours, I’ll help you get off. And go tell that lunatic man of yours that he shouldn’t let you walk alone. Not when the storm is coming…

Wait…

He’s looking at the heart shaped rock in my hand. I found it on one of my long walks. A gift from the sea. Or maybe more?

Now that’s a story! You throw away your heart and the sea gives it back to you! 

White, perfect, with a soft, fine surface…but hard like any rock. Shaped by years of angry waves, but strong enough to never break into pieces. The storms made it sharp, but it’s unable to hurt someone…Is it the right time?

To melt away the wall I build around me. Even if the fire in me is risking destruction.

Because we’re like fire and ice, storm and sunny sky, ocean and volcano, all at once, all inside us, all creating love and destroying us as we go in the deep, dark waters…

So…where are you, when the sky is falling and I’m clinging to a rocky heart? When all I ever want is to hold you tight…come to me and bring my fire back to life.

 

And my heart was HOME again…

Days like these, no one should be alone…

She smiles all the time, even through tears, and I try to hide this salty water in my eyes. A river of little diamonds in her eyes, my own heart invaded by her light. I never saw her so beautiful, shining so bright. The “lady with the pigeons”, as I called her as a child, a sweet soul, always gentle, always kind and loving, always alone…

Do you see? Can you understand now how blessed you truly are? 

I do understand it in my mind…the heart is the one that never seems to have enough. But this isn’t about me, not now.

Have you missed someone so hard, so deep that it cuts through your soul and you know you’ll never be the same? Have you carried long conversations with him in your mind or have you ever smiled in the mirror, trying a new dress and imagining you’re wearing it for him?

A long distance relationship can make you live in an imaginary world, I know it too well. When you love so much, with everything in you…so much that it hurts…

You promise yourself you’ll be kind, sweet, generous…you’ll be the perfect woman for him. You remember your fights but you can’t recall the reasons behind them. And if you do, what sense do they have? He left. And the world is expecting from you to move on.

No…not the whole world. There will always be people willing to hold your hand and to listen to your stories. They will cry with you, they will say the right words. They will care.

I still love him. Even if he’s there, happy and free. He asks me, from time to time, how I feel and I never tell him the truth. But he knows somehow, I see it in his eyes, I feel it in his embrace. And one day we’ll be together and that day it’s close…so close! 

She looks up to the skies above.

Do you see that heart shaped cloud? Every time I talk about my feelings for him…There are signs everywhere, but we are too blind to see. So…what if I only talk to him in my mind? What if he only embraces me in my dreams? What if he’s there…in Heaven? We are still in love. 

She smiles through this hard story and I try to smile too. This golden ray of light that just appeared seems to gently touch her face and a white feather just laid on her palm, brought by a sudden warm wind.

See? Signs…It wont be long now…what’s a few weeks? I never cried, well…a little, when my hair fell down…but even there I knew I am loved. And I knew that I’m close. My love is waiting for me.

She asks me to come closer to her bed. She can’t talk loud, so she whispers. Her pain is visible but she wont let go my hand. Not until I’ll listen. Not until I’ll learn it by heart.

I wanted to see you because I have a message for you. A message from the place I’m going. And it’s important for you to know…

These days no one should be alone, no one should spend these precious moments turning love into drama and tragedy.  Our last days on this Earth…is not safe for any of us to wander by themselves…carrying their hearts like torches ready to burn everything around…

So, FORGIVE. And LOVE. Turn your brokenness into HOPE. Just…BELIEVE…

And she left. Sometimes, when I think of her, a white feather appears out of nowhere and the wind changes the shape of the clouds into big, white, fluffy wings…

 

Homeless, hopeless, restless…(Why can’t you see that I’m in love?)

She’s listening to his songs again and again.

She needs to be cradled, she dreams to be held. She imagines that he’s singing for her and she cries because of the song’s sad notes. Any moment now the music will stop and he’ll come back to her…

But he never returns. His eyes are empty, no expression, no sparks. And she hates him. No, hate was never the opposite of love. Not for her…She invented hate as a form of love, a disturbed, dark way for her heart to survive.

He doesn’t know because they speak different languages. She never got to learn his and he didn’t understood hers. Through screams, tears, hurt and resentment, they never sang together…

So she dies inside, every day a little more. She would have followed him to the darkness of hell,  just to bring him back home. If only…

Why can’t you see that I’m in love, why can’t you feel when I am hurting?

Some day…when this old piano will stop playing its sad notes…when the only music will be played through the beatings of our hearts,

You’ll see me standing there, tears streaming down my face, broken and lost,

Needing, craving, aching, lusting, dreaming…to be held

So, with sparks in your eyes, you’ll reach out to touch me…

But you see, my love…that’s not me, standing there…I’m long gone…

What you saw is just a mirror… your soul’s reflection. 

 

 

 

One Lovely Blog Award

I never even dreamed that one day I’d feel so rewarded…So blessed with wonderful people around me, amazing writers and wonderful friends…And that, through words and only words…we can create so many bridges between our worlds. This award is a dream come true…Thank you, Tashnee (Victoria) for encouraging me and for motivating me to write more and better!

I want to tell you, dear friends, a little about her fascinating blog. A very awarded blog and a very inspiring one. She writes with honesty and passion, approaching a diversity of topics, fashion, life style, personal stories, useful advises and so many more. What I love the most about her blog is her writing style…you really feel you’re talking with a friend, somewhere in a very relaxing place. That’s her…and you can find her here: https://tashneevmavee.wordpress.com/

Update, July 21: I just received a second nomination for One Lovely Blog Award and I’m so happy and honored because it came from one of the people I admire so much in this blogging community. Chinedu Victor, a wonderful soul, a Medical student who’s dream of treating children simply touches my heart. But also, he’s a fitness trainer, a man who’s dedicating his time and energy to help others live a healthy, fit life. His blog contains so much useful information on this field and his kind, honest, encouraging written voice makes you feel very comfortable. And, on a more personal level, what I find extraordinary about him is his modesty, his faith, his inner beauty, his dedication and I could write so much more…but I’ll let you discover his amazing blog, at:

https://victorfitnessblog.com/

Thank you, Victor, for honoring me with this nomination!

Update2, july 21: What a beautiful surprise! A very talented blogger and a kind soul nominated me for the third time for One Lovely Blog Award! Thank you so much, Nathprasad Dhanawat, it means so much to me to be among your nominees!

And I want to tell you, dear friends, a little about this young and talented writer. His blog is impressive from the very beginning, from the beautiful title “Ready to love”…what a wonderful concept, speaking tons about the beautiful heart behind it! The pictures on his blog are so vivid, taking us, his readers, to a journey into his world…And his writing style…simply makes you want to read more and more. I’ll let you discover more of his written voice, here, on his blog:

https://nathprasaddhanawat.wordpress.com/

Thank you again, Nathprasad!

The Rules to receive the award are:
• Thank the person that nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
• List the rules.
• Display the award on your post of the award.
• List seven facts about yourself.
• Nominate 15 bloggers for this award and comment on one of their posts to let them know you have nominated them.

About myself…seven facts (Tashnee’s nomination)

1. When I was younger I used to write my dreams in a diary. Many of them were so colorful and interesting, a great data base for a fantasy novel 🙂
2. The titles I use for my posts are lyrics from my favorites songs.
3. I love painting and drawing.
4. I have photographic memory and sometimes it’s enough to look at a page and I’m able to “read” it from my mind. It was very useful in school 🙂
5. Many of my posts are “written” in my mind a few hours before actually writing them. I simply remember them…
6. I adore book stores, I can get lost for hours discovering new books.
7. I love the smell and the texture of a freshly typed book…

And another seven facts (Chinedu Victor’s nomination):

1. I love spending time among children, reading stories, singing, playing with them.
2. I wanted to become a doctor and one of my biggest regrets is not following this dream.
3. The apartment I’m living in was considered haunted at the moment we bought it.
4. I adore hot weather…I feel great when outside are 32-33 degrees (Celsius).
5. I do my Pilates on a daily basis.
6. Sometimes I have premonitions or a sensation of deja-vu.
7. My favorite kind of relaxation is taking long, long walks on the beach.

Seven facts about myself (Nathprasad’s nomination):

1. My favorite song is Sarah Brightman’s “Only an ocean away”.
2. I love Indian food, especially very spicy dishes!
3. When I travel aboard, people suppose I’m from Sweden, because of the light color of my skin and hair.
4. I’m afraid of the highs.
5. Sometimes I talk in my sleep 🙂
6. I like walking in the summer rain.
7. I like taking selfies in the sunset’s light.

My nominees for One Lovely Blog Award are:

1. https://learnfunfacts.com/
2. https://mindpanorama.wordpress.com/
3. https://kammy1431.wordpress.com/
4. https://vaibz24.wordpress.com/
5. https://meredithinkswords.wordpress.com/
6. https://dynaxty.wordpress.com/
7. https://elephantunderthebus.wordpress.com/
8. https://sakshibhojane04.wordpress.com/
9. https://pasanmadhusankha.wordpress.com/
10. https://bikeclimbrunswimrunyoga.wordpress.com/
11. https://paintdigi.com/
12. http://littlefears.co.uk/
13. http://thediaryofamuslimgirl.com/
14. https://vinzpoetry.wordpress.com/
15. https://sweetscanblog.wordpress.com/

Thank you, dear friends, for your patience to read and, as I always say, if any of the nominees does not desire to follow the steps to receive this award, it’s absolutely okay, I still consider all of your blogs lovely and interesting!