Before I even knew…

bright-1853624_960_720The storm was brewing inside me, chasing my hopes away, alluring me fly back to a long forgotten place.

Here, where nothing is quite as it seems and black eyes are watching behind phony mirrors.

Where snakes wear crowns of gold and lambs are trading their innocence for momentary glimpses of lust and fantasy.

Where preachers call sinners to repentance, but knees never bent and tears never fall…and promises remain unspoken.

Where hearts never break, for they were made of thin air, black smoke and ghostly wind.

And we are all the same, here in the storm. Lost souls, clinging to memories of dreams, unable to see a guiding light, falling, breaking down, crushed by the sharp edges of an icy embrace. When have we forgotten our true essence?

For we were light before becoming darkness, and we flew high before tasting the abyss. Yes, we had faith before the hate took over! And we knew love before crying our tears of blood.

I see you here, little star, calling out your demons, challenging them to a fair fight. Wild and rebellious, innocent and free, unaware of your beauty…I see you and I cry. You do remind me of myself somehow. Are you the one I cannot find in my mirrors?

It seems like a thousand years of searching…but it was all worth it. For I have found the lost girl, the little star who’s love used to change destinies. Here she is, Here I am!

For I was saved long before I even knew I need salvation…

 

 

The photo is from http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Sunshine Blogger Award

This honors me beyond words…after so many months of avoiding to participate on any kind of nomination, here I am, feeling grateful and special for being among the nominees. We are a community, what better way to celebrate this feeling? Thank you, Stuart for reminding me, in this elegant way, that little things matter so much!

A wonderful person and a loyal friend, a talented writer and a man of faith, Stuart’s blog is impressive through the wisdom, love, faith and passion for truth he brings into the world. I’m happy to give you the link to his blog: https://stubaby777.wordpress.com/

Here are the rules for receiving the award:

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link back to their blog so others can find them.
  • List the rules and display an award logo on your blog post.
  • Answer the 11 questions the blogger asked you.
  • Nominate 11 new blogs to receive the award and notify them by commenting on any of their posts.
  • Ask the nominees 11 new questions.

Now I’m going to answer to Stu’s amazing 11 questions:

1. When, what seems like the weight of the world is upon your shoulders, what keeps you motivated to take that next step?

Thank you for this question! What truly helps me, when even prayers seem pointless, is to look into my children’s eyes. Their trust in me, their unconditional love, their light…that’s all I need…and I will move a mountain! 🙂

2. What is something that you used to collect as a child that you wish you still had?

I used to collect chocolates wrappers, had a big box of those things. I miss them…

3. What exactly gives you a sense of accomplishment?

Volunteering, definitely.

4. What was your hardest challenge to overcome?

My hardest challenge was the depression I’ve been struggling with the past 5 years. And the guilt associated with it.

5. Why do you feel the church is silent on dealing with real life issues like addiction and sex?

Is hard to answer without starting to judge and to blame the church…in fact, this was the main reason I decided to keep the distance from my church and its rituals. I trust that the true followers of Christ will never remain silent. They are the only church I need in times of darkness.

6. What is your personal opinion as to why it seems more and more little ones are being shot, beaten, kidnapped or worse?

The children are the purest expression of Light, here on earth. So, in these times of spiritual war, they become targets. The very idea of Family is targeted too…

7. Why would any parent, no matter what the hell is going on in their lives, want to take the lives of their kids?

There is no reason, absolutely no reason for a human being to harm a child! I see these cases daily, it is heart breaking and beyond any logical explanation. Look at the Watts case, look into his eyes…I did, expecting to see a sick person…All I saw was evil, pure evil. I’m sorry if this sounds offensive, this is how I feel.

8. What is you favorite post/posts you have written? Share links please 😊

That’s easy 🙂 https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2018/07/24/if-a-writer-falls-in-love-with-you/

9. I don’t know if this one is possible but what is the most liked post on your blog?

It’s the one I mentioned above (I got 212 likes, that’s…wowwww for me! )

10. Which post is the one most commented on?

https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2018/09/01/this-is-my-shelter/

(43 comments!)

11. And finally, who is your top supporter as far as comments? Give them a shout out 😊

On this beautiful journey as a blogger I had the chance to meet a very special lady, a really wonderful friend, the type of person that never gives up on you, even when you’re unable to give back all the love she’s giving. This is Sharon, from https://caterpillars2butterfliesblog.wordpress.com/, my amazing friend.

My nominees for The Sunshine Blogger Award are:

  1. https://vastnesswithin.wordpress.com/
  2. https://elixiroflife260689661.wordpress.com/
  3. https://caterpillars2butterfliesblog.wordpress.com/
  4. https://monikajeneva.wordpress.com/
  5. https://benjaminprewitt.com/
  6. https://heavenlypredictions.com/
  7. https://ourlifein3d.com/
  8. https://poemscomdotblog.wordpress.com/
  9. https://thepaperdrafts.wordpress.com/
  10. https://wordslessspoken781842219.blog/
  11. https://thepoetic1.com/

Here are my questions for the nominees:

  1. What is the song that you listen on repeat when you feel down?
  2. How do you imagine a perfect afternoon?
  3. What is your favorite poem?
  4. What was your favorite toy as a child?
  5. Tell me about your favorite place.
  6. What do you like the most about yourself?
  7. Tell me about a food that reminds you of childhood.
  8. Describe me your best friend.
  9. What is your biggest fear?
  10. Who do you miss the most?
  11. Who’s portrait would you paint if you would be a painter?

I’d be happy to read your answers, but I do understand if any of the nominees would not want to be a part of this. You are amazing regardless of any nomination!

Blue as your soul

splash-1991842_960_720I saw you in my dream, you were rushing to the other side. Flying high and fast, speed light and miraculously powerful, your blue wings touched me. A touch I’ll never forget, for it was so deep inside my weary heart.

You saw me, a brief spot of light in the dark hour when angels sleep. Your questions melted in the abyss of our broken illusions, in this world of shadows that we belong to. You wanted to know if I’m a warrior, just like yourself, fighting time and memories.

Why am I here, when nothing’s left to die for? When white lips speak words of prayer and empty hearts reveal themselves as pointless life devices? Why are we here? you kept on asking, puzzled by my silent tears.

And I just took your hand and, in soft, whispered words, I spoke about the blue river who’s waters are struggling to fight the boundaries of life. My blue river, sparkling in million little diamonds, without ever being seen.

Without ever being loved.

And if ever, by the divine grace only, its waves would reach the desert, it wouldn’t only feed the thirsty sand…It would flood into the painful unknown you’re going to! It would light up the darkness with gentle, golden rays. And roses would bloom in blue and white, and angels would glorify the ocean it’d create.

That’s how I spoke, while your heart was rushing. To a place of fire and dust, in the dark hour when angels sleep. And I…as I saw you flying…as I saw you loosing yourself…as I saw you dying inside again and again…

…as I cried a thousand rivers, all blue, all wild, all free, just like your soul,

I promised to be your lighthouse.

 

 

 

The photo is from http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

Confession (3)

woman-2375822_960_720I want to tell you about him.

I need this just as much as you need it…even if my confession will not (ab)solve you of this sin. Yes, you heard it right! I am the sinner, yours is the sin! Will you act like you’re shocked? I wonder…But maybe you already know.

About the taste of his lips…the perfect flavor of forbidden desires and sensual dreams, the right amount of mystery combined with pure wickedness. Was I supposed to stay in my innocently bitter world, when my body was aching and my heart was agonizing for his kiss?

About the sparks in his eyes…so dark, so deep…they starred in my soul until, desperate for more, I whispered his name like a sacred prayer and he did answer. He needed no words to ask for all…all of me…Was I supposed to lay still, in my perfect little universe, instead of falling?

About the passion…the kind of wild force that unites souls..He unfolded every layer of this restless soul, until it was raw, naked, exposed and vulnerable…and so full of beauty! Unrecognizable to myself, the girl in the mirror was smiling, shamelessly nude, unbelievably proud of the woman she turn out to be…

Was I supposed to lock this heart behind thick walls?

Was I supposed to die slowly, painfully…unaware of this electrifying sensation that keeps pulsing through my veins?

Was I supposed to be your good little trophy, laying in the dustiest corner of your interests?

I need to tell you about him, but maybe you already know. I’m cheating you in every dream, ever since you left me. I scream his name, but this ecstasy was born out of pain. Out of hate and anger. Will you despise me less if I confess…that he’s only a fantasy? Or will it be so much worse…?

Adultery is the name of this sin, so go ahead…are your stones big enough?

 

 

You can read more of my confessions here: https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2019/06/26/confession-2/

https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/confession/

 

The picture is from the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

The Poet without Muse

62532136_2529419917088634_5430782074715897856_nWhy did you leave? – that’s all I need to know!

Her fragile voice was breaking in the night

Her pleading arms surrendered without fight

But he just laughed…”such a pathetic show!”.

 

“You see…I’m bored…you used to be more fun!”

Down on her knees, she spoke of memories

Sweet little lies, terrible agonies!

“You have your drama, I just have to run!”

 

Am I not beautiful, am I not kind?

You said my love is all you ever needed!

I was your Muse and poetry you breathed…

Was I mistaken, was I blind?

 

I want another poem meant for me!

I will inspire you to write the perfect rhyme!

The kind of metaphor that lasts in time…

We’ll be together in eternity…

 

“Stop wasting tears and pleads and time!

There’ll never be a poem meant for you…

I may be cruel, but now you know it’s true…

No longer yours, no longer mine!

 

Her eyes turned black, her heart turned cold,

A Muse without her Poet cannot live…

So if you walk away, my soul I’ll give!

To angry wolves and beasts of gold!

 

He cupped her face and kissed her empty eyes

“Now if you want, I’ll tell you why…

And you will see, it’s no surprise…

My perfect rhymes in love disguised!”

 

Don’t blame me, you have nothing to accuse!

All of my poems spoke of rain…

Yes, I was feeding of your pain!

And when you’re happy there’s no gain!

So if there’s nothing left in you to use…

I’ll be the Poet without Muse…

 

 

 

Photo from my personal collection

 

Tell me your story!

62243941_2529420197088606_4204089743681519616_n-The night sky is more generous than ever, cradling our dreamy eyes in milliards of stars…

-But you can’t see them, silly girl, ’cause you’re only starring at me! Not that I’m complaining…

-I do see them, as reflections in your eyes…

-Tell me one of your stories!

-Nooo…you know that all my stories are sad!

-It doesn’t matter…your voice can take me there, and I need to escape…

-Okay…Once upon a time…

-Yesss…

-There was a little boy, very sweet and gentle, with big eyes and a good, carrying, generous heart.

A good little boy…

-One day, he was walking down the dark forest, and he got lost…So he ran and searched for his way out, but there was none…and he felt scared and hopeless…and so alone…

-Oh…

-Looking down, he saw a little light…golden, flickering light, so he followed it. It leaded him to his way out of the forest. Only that the light wasn’t just a light…it was a little bird.

-Right. A bird.

-With golden wings and sparks in her eyes…wounded, unable to fly, only to crawl. He took her home and build a cage for her. A golden cage.

-Still a cage, no matter if it’s golden.

-A place for her to heal and to be safe. And, with his love, she got better…

-That’s nice…

-Her wings grew stronger, so she wanted to fly. But, no matter how much she pleaded with the little boy, he wouldn’t let her…

-Selfish and possessive!

-He was afraid for her, that she might get hurt. He was afraid for him, that he might lose her. So she stopped pleading and stopped spreading her wings. But she couldn’t stop dreaming! And the dark forest’s whispers were so alluring and so seductive…

-And?!

-Finally, she got too weak to fly, so he thought it’s safe to leave the door of her cage wide open. So was the window…

-Nooo! She jumped and smashed her body on the floor!

-She flew! Maybe her dreams gave her strength…or maybe it was the dark forest, who knows? Maybe some charmed wind took her and held her…but she flew! She found her way back into the forest!

-Wonderful…

-The boy…what do you think he did?

-He learned to respect other people’s choices?

-He grew up as an angry, resentful, bitter soul…Searching for nothing but revenge! I’m sorry…

-Heyyy…please don’t cry! Why are you crying? Oh…you are that bird! That bird was you all along and I didn’t noticed!

-No, I’m not that bird…

I am the girl he used to replace his lost golden bird…

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

I’ll be there to protect you!

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I saw you running away again, I saw you hiding your eyes, so I had to come…Why are you smiling, here, in the darkest corner of your empty room? No one can see you, no one but me…the ghost of your years to come, so, why are you still smiling?

The show you put on every day is quite beautiful, the mask shines so bright in the moonlight…yes, you got their standing ovations! But here, where no one applauds, why do you keep wearing it?

You thought your love is a lullaby, to cradle your soul through all the insecurities and hurt, so you sang it all alone in the rain…but here, where no one hears your voice, why can’t you stop singing?

You swore that life is all about giving, so you offered the best of you -and all for free-, just to learn that he’s fed up of your generosity! So here, where no one takes your given heart, why don’t you quit offering?

Who am I, you keep asking…

I’ll tell you one thing…your bitterness created me.

My hands feel cold, wet and slippery…your tears.

My lips taste like fresh, salty blood…red like your cuts, sad like the remaining scars.

My hair is made of silken ropes…your nightmares.

And my heart, oh, my heart…I guess loneliness never had a heart!

Yes, I am a ghost and I’m damn sure I ain’t leaving! I’ll keep haunting you and I’ll keep frighten you! I’ll be the arms that wont stop holding you…I’ll be that one reason you need to raise your eyes and your voice! I’ll challenge you to be honest! I’ll be there to protect you, when there’s no one else…

And don’t you dare dying!

I am the ghost of your years to come. I am your choice, your light perverted into darkness. Stop smiling, it’s time to take off all of your masks. It’s time to fall…and to pray…to love and to trust…to believe and to discover.

It’s time to live. Differently.

 

Let me hold you…

68281533_2631272606903364_8485486330300596224_nLet me run my fingers through your hair, I know you remember the sweet sensation of letting go…Oh, how tense your shoulders must feel, carrying all your secret pain…So let me play with your soft curls…

Let me whisper sweet little words in your ear, I know you’re tired of all the irony and anger…Oh, how hurt you must be when only sarcasm breaks this agonizing silence…So let me whisper sweet words of love…

Let me bathe you in rose petals, I know you love the mesmerizing perfume of flowers on your bare skin…Oh, how lonely you must feel when blind eyes are starring at your naked beauty…So let me bathe you in soft petals and gentle touches…

Let me take you to a place of wonders, I know your dreams were full of colors and joy…Oh, how scared you must feel when darkness haunts you and breaks you every single night…So let me take you to a place of dreams…

I will make you feel safe, just let me hold you…

You are so lonely and so sad, so scared and tired, so hurt and desperate…

So unwanted and unloved.

But if you let me, I will hold you and you won’t feel the pain…only the peace, only the dream, only the dark…So let me hold you for the last time.

That’s how he lied and I almost believed. Too many times, in too many ways…he held me through my blindness, taking me straight into the darkest night. He promised me the safety of an eternal love, but all I’m left with are the ever-bleeding cuts and bruises.

He has so many names and he never reveals them all. What is it? Depression? Or Anxiety? Maybe Borderline? Perhaps is Bipolar? All of them and even more? He cruelly laughs while I desperately try to define it, in order to control it. He plays with notions and symptoms, while guiding me to the end of the road.

I said no today and all the lies turned to smoke.

And then I raised my tired eyes. Yes, I am loved!

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

 

Are you scared enough?

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His eyes have the serenity of a different world, and no shadow can cast its wicked spell upon them. The deep peace within the white of his unseen wings makes the icy wall melt. Here…this is my heart, laying defenseless in his palms…

-What are you truly searching, sweet soul?

-I needed you…it’s a long time since this door was closed…Out of bravery, I thought…

-So, now, you’re too tired to be brave?

-I was wrong. In my arrogance, I convinced myself that I need no one! 

-You know I was there all the time, even in your deepest loneliness. Even in your nightmares…

His words have the taste of sweet honey, poured upon a thirsty heart. Butterflies and roses, clear water in my eyes, perfumed kisses on my forehead…He knows the longings of this angry soul. He knows there’s nothing I can offer. For what I’m bringing is my darkness and the flames I’m facing every time I close my eyes.

Still, with nothing left to lose, carrying the hurt and the despair of to many sleepless nights, here I lay the darkness, here I bring my pain. And if I’d have the right, I’d pray for the innocent eyes to never see what I see…

-Tell me about the demons.

-It’s not just every night, it’s every time I fall asleep. I’m seeing things beyond the most terrifying stories of hell. I’m fighting vivid nightmares, they attack me even when I’m down, crawling…

-Symbols of cruelty and evil.

-Wild beasts, angry wolves, dark winds, hurricanes that whisper hateful words…

-And then, the pact.

-The pact. When all these nightmares suddenly stopped and a gentle sun covered my teared face. It was peace for a brief moment and I cried in joy, thinking I was free. Then I saw him.

-He spoke to you, he told you what to do.

-Yes. He told me the one thing he needed from me. The one thing that’ll stop the nightmares, the torment, the pain. It was supposed to save the ones I love. It was supposed to set me free!

The one thing you cannot give.

-My life. It wasn’t me who created it, how could I end it? 

-He asked you if you’re scared enough.

-I was shaking, there was no way to deny it. Yes, I was scared enough!

-Scared enough to give in?

Scared enough to ask for your help. But you already knew it, didn’t you?

-I did, but you needed to be reminded that no one is left alone in this battle. No one fights for their life by themselves!

I thanked him and I closed my eyes. Peacefully dreaming, joyfully resting my tired eyes. There are no guarantees they wont come back. My nightmares. But one thing I know for sure: I wont face them alone…

 

 

Image from my personal collection

 

 

 

Confession (2)

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They saw me naked and I felt no shame! It happened when my wounds were completely healed, so I felt brave and desperate at the same time. Who am I without my scars? Too lucid for the deep hours of the night, too dreamy to face the morning!

Dear God, my crazy heart knew exactly what it’s doing! I couldn’t lie, pretending it’s just one of those dreams, for my eyes were wide awake, shining with excitement! The moment was right, I was glowing in the dark, and they saw it all…

I whispered no words, no sounds of protest, while, shamelessly naked, I raised my head, knowing deep inside me that I can be anything I pretend to be! Beautiful and wild, free and innocent, loved…Yes, they applauded my new found courage and asked for more.

They saw me, my Lord, they saw it all and I liked it! I smiled while my bare shoulders felt no more weight, no more burden! I played with my hair and I walked graciously towards them, maybe too close, for I felt their cold breath beneath me…

That’s when my smile turned to tears and I tried to cover my nakedness! They remained silent while I crumbled on my knees, begging the sky to fall upon me, to dress me up in stars and gentle rain…I asked for a thunderstorm, to wipe away the memory of this painful moment…

…when I was naked, and they saw every little part of me!

Forgive me, Father, this was meant for him. For his eyes to truly see me. It was supposed to touch him somehow…My naked soul, glowing in the moonlight, my bare shoulders aching for his arms, to relieve this loneliness inside. And I was wrong, while being beautiful and innocent, wild and free!

It hurts, dear God…I may never be like this…

I was naked tonight and they saw me! The cold walls, thick and unbreakable, they saw it all! And you know what’s the saddest part?

…they were the only ones.

 

*If you want to read the first part, here is where you can find it: https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/confession/

Photo from my personal collection.