This wont hurt, I swear…

“She has the saddest blue eyes I’ve ever seen…but I’ve seen them before and I don’t know where…”

My thoughts were interrupted by the harsh sound of a slammed door. The smell of disinfectant solution filled the air. The nurse leaned over me (“she refuses to press charges…next time he’ll kill her…”) and her whispered words brought shivers down my spine. The girl in front of me was too young to die…

She looked at me with her piercing blue eyes and I suddenly remembered…

june 2003

My first interview for the job of my dreams. I’m wearing my short white dress…Decent, yet sweet, almost covering my knees, creating a nice illusion that my legs are longer than they actually are (I read this on the Internet!). First time on heels because I need to look smart and sexy, young and enthusiast, but very sure of myself and in control of my own emotions (this I read it too on that amazing site!).

How…what…I was walking and now…

I don’t remember falling, but the pain is real. I hear a child crying…my God! Is the child alright? I feel something warm and wet on my left leg and I’m afraid to open my eyes…

I’m dreaming…I will wake up and I’ll get ready for this interview…I will get the job…

The first color I see when I open my eyes is red. And I cry. Someone’s touching my hair, caressing it, wiping away my tears and it feels so safe. Then the pain, again…

“These heels should be forbidden. You’re very lucky, the cut on the leg is not deep and I was able to stop the bleeding.” I open my eyes to the gentle sound of his voice. An angel?

“Hi”

He smiles at me.

“Hey, angels aren’t supposed to wear such high heels. And where were you rushing like that?”

He called me “an angel” and he’s holding my hand. He tells me that he’s a doctor and I’m lucky he was walking on that part of the town. His little girl wanted ice cream and they saw me…

“Now, look into my eyes. I need to disinfect the wound and you need to stay very calm. This wont hurt at all, I swear.”

He lied. The burning sensation is so intense…He’s asking me where was I going (to distract me from the pain) and, through tears, I tell him about the job of my dreams, about how my parents tried to stop me, how they’re always controlling my life…I’m sure I’m being ridiculous, but he pretends to be interested.

“I actually think that control is a good thing for someone so delicate like yourself. You’re very young and inexperienced, so it’s normal to rebel. In time, with the proper guidance…”

I pull away. (“You lied. It hurts terribly and I missed my interview. I’m sorry I took your time…”)

He laughs.

“It was my pleasure to help you. I want to see you again. Tomorrow. You can have a coffee while I’m checking your leg.”

I still hear a child crying. A little girl with the saddest blue eyes and a red trace on her cheek. And I remember…I remember her laughing when I fell. I remember the sound of his hand slapping the face of that little girl. I remember her crying in pain and the words he said…

And I run away. I run from my guilt, I run from this man, I run from her sad blue eyes.

The young girl in front of me has the saddest blue eyes I ever saw. And her bruises and cuts can’t hide her beauty.  I gently touch her hand and she pulls away.

“I don’t want to press charges…I love him and, in his way, he loves me too.”

“I believe he does…but his way of loving you it’s hurting you, it’s causing you pain. It’s killing you. Love comes in many ways, in many forms…what kind of love are you dreaming of?”

“I just…I just want this pain to stop. Will it always hurt like this?”

“No…time heals…the pain gets smaller till it wont hurt at all. As long as you’re alive, as long as we fight together to find the real you. The strong and beautiful woman who deserves tenderness and respect.”

I lied. Time never truly heals…It just makes us stronger. And braver. To go beyond the pain, the hurt, the brokenness inside.

To find a love that never hurts, never breaks, never kills.

 

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Take it easy on my heart…

I’m standing right in front of him, lights on me, the crowd is calling out my name and I forgot my lines…

“Hurry home, I need you!”

His whispered words bring shivers down my body…he wont find out about this power he has on me. I will play it brightly, I will fool my crazy heart…

“My love, my soulmate, till this world will fall apart…and after…”

People are waiting for my line. I don’t have one. But I have this tremble on my fingers when I’m touching his. He’ll blame it on my fears. I play the insecure part almost too perfect. So he wont find out that my feelings have the strength of a hurricane…

“Where there’s love, we’ll find hope. And this hope will get us through time. Until we’ll fly free, where there are no constrains, no borders, no boundaries.”

My inner voice is shouting. Say something, anything! And I can’t…And I want the curtain to fall, this show shall not go on…

“Come to me, my love. Our embrace was our home, it still is. Hurry back into my open arms!”

I’m standing right here, where are the lights? Where is everyone?

Where are you?

I’m sorry for forgetting so easily. I’m sorry for not saying it in time. I regret this silence between us. Forgive me for being so proud, so foolish, so frightened.

I played it the wrong way. I thought is a game of power. I thought I’m supposed to win.

It was one single line. How could I? Here I am, My Love, shouting out loud in the darkness of this cold, wild world. Take me back…

I love you too.

 

So you can sharpen your knife…

He saw me watching…

And he knew right away that the image he tried so hard to create is falling into pieces. The fear in his heart, I could almost sense it…

No…I’m not a predator and he’s not my prey, even if…

Hello…Good afternoon…uhmmm…I was just…

I’m sorry that he’s scared, I’m not used to…It’s not a good feeling when you look into someone’s eyes and you see there…guilt, fear…shame?

-I wanted to say…I’m sorry. I’m very sorry for everything I said about your religion…I’m sorry for putting you in that horrible situation. I know you felt accused. I was wrong and, please, accept my apologies…

He speaks so fast, he’s running out of air. He’s chocking, his face is getting a purple color and his eyes are blurry. His life…he’s fighting for his life. Right there, in front of me. And if I don’t stop this, he’ll loose…

So I take his hands into mines.

-It’s alright. If I ever felt any kind of anger towards you…well, it was a burden much too heavy…so I let it go and replace it with forgiveness…

-So, you wont…

-I’ll tell you what I saw. A good man, in a moment of weakness. A man searching for love in the wrong place. A man who’s dying to save himself from…you’re the only one who can answer to this.

He’s trembling and the purple on his face was replaced by a pale shadow.

-I will confess it…I will go in front of them and I will…I just need time. I will go home now to prepare…

He wont. He wont make it back home, I can see it in his eyes. I have to fight this battle…

-We all make mistakes. I’m not perfect, you know? A few months ago, I almost ran away with a stranger, leaving everything behind. I’m still unable to forgive myself. I’m still falling…I still…

I’m fighting my own tears and I wish he would hug me now. Not him…anyone…But he takes a step behind.

-So you cheated your husband…that’s really serious and you know, it speaks tones about your relationship with God. Because it’s not a moment of weakness, what you did was planned and deliberated. And a fake christian is worse than a non-believer. I’m sickened by you…

He seems victorious even if he jumped to the wrong conclusions. It will help him sleep well tonight. It will allow him to look in the mirror in the morning. It will keep him alive.

I turn my back to him. For ever…

-Don’t…forgive me for what I just said. You’re welcomed in our community if you ever decide to repent and to…

And I simply leave. I will be the subject of his Sunday sermon. My smile is bitter, my heart feels heavy. He’ll survive, but what about his soul?

How many sharpened knives will tear apart our fragile consciousness?

I was crying when I met you…

You found me in the rain, crying, with an empty heart and a homeless soul.

You took my heart into your hands…(You are safe…)

Your arms around me kept me warm…(I’m here for you…)

You made me feel like home…(You don’t need their love…)

I was with you, I was so deep…I forgot the world and its deceiving smiles. Only with you, only for you, you were the answer to…everything…(I’m the only therapy you’ll ever need…)

No one knew the struggle behind the mask. I kept it locked, every moment of falling…(They’ll never understand…)

You fulfilled a void…just to create a larger one…(I’m the only one who can make you feel complete…)

So I tried to escape more than once, but I came back defeated…(I’ll make you feel loved…)

Hey, You…

Give me back my life. My health, my beauty. My self respect. My independence.

(It’s too late for you…)

Don’t come near me offering this false feeling of security. I’ve never been so insecure.

(Let me comfort you…the way I only know…)

I’m facing the world without you. Don’t stand in my way…(This cruel world will tear you apart without my support…)

I was crying when I met you. Rejected and alone. And you made this solitude deeper and so much more painful. I am healing.

(You need me, you wont make it by yourself…)

Hey, You…

(I’m your healer, your comforter, your love…)

No. You are only my eating disorder. And I’m replacing you with self respect, peace of mind and faith.

And maybe…I’ll learn to love myself again some day.

NOTE: This post is dedicated to every brave heart fighting an eating disorder. Beautiful warrior, you are loved more than you’ll ever know.

I choose not to be afraid!

She smiles back at me, a beautiful, childlike smile. I think it’s strange that, at such a rush hour, we’re the only ones in the furniture store. But then again…fate has strange ways…And it seems that we’re both waiting for the delivery boy who’s always late…

Ten minutes, I’m setting my alarm and I’ll only wait ten minutes. She looks at me intrigued and I see her doing the same thing. We’re separated by a window, or something similar…a decorative element for sure. She seems impatient…

I’m analyzing her and she’s analyzing me, probably searching for a topic to start a conversation. I guess not…I try to imagine how did she spend the past hours. Her hair is still a bit wet…a quick shower before rushing to the door. Her makeup is okay…but this color makes her eyes deeper…like she’s more mature. At a closer look I see dark circles around her eyes and I can tell she doesn’t sleep well at nights…

Her purse is open and I’m curios…maybe a brief look…just a glimpse inside her world. Sleeping pills and…wait…those are for loosing weight. Oh, they wont help…not as long as she’s using food to comfort her broken heart. She’s forcing herself to sleep because every sleepless night makes her terribly aware of every fail…But, after all, what do I know?

She sees me starring and she’s grabbing her purse with stressed gestures. What’s there that’s so precious to her? Maybe a jewelery? I wonder who gave it to her? I’m studying her left hand and I see…her wedding ring left a red trace. She’s touching that red trace from time to time. Oh, I can almost sense the sadness…the wedding ring should be there…she wants it to be there…

So, where’s her love? Is she waiting for him? Oh, look at her eyes…all bright…The thought that she’s in love brings tears into my eyes. I wish I could see them…I can almost imagine him, holding her tight, telling her how much he missed her, stroking her long hair, protecting her. I do hope she feels loved because she seems so fragile and lost…

The alarm! I set it for ten minutes. And she did the same, copying my childish action. We laugh together. I feel close to her, like she’s a part of my life. Would it be very strange…or very wrong…to just go to her and hug her?

-I’m sorry, Madam…would you want me to pack the mirror too? Along with the closet you bought? Madam…

The delivery boy! And now she disappeared…Wait! What mirror?

-What mirror???

-I’m sorry…I just saw you admiring that mirror…it’s an antique…but we have a special offer and…Where…

I run outside and the cold wind is drying my tears. My purse is open and I’m scared. No, it’s more. I’m afraid, I’m terrified and I want back…back home…where my wedding ring still lays on my pillow…It left a red trace on my finger so I had to take it out…

I will go home, but first…I will be brave…this time I will be brave!

-I know it may sound weird, but did you saw a woman here, standing in front of me? I think she was waiting too…

-Nope. Just you, Madam…you admired the mirror for ten minutes so I thought you want to buy it…

One last attempt to gain lucidity.

-So, where’s the mirror now? Did it disappeared just like magic?

He smiles visibly amused.

-In front of you, Madam…no one took it…

The woman in the mirror smiles back at me. She’s kind, strong, courageous, honest and beautiful. And me…I’m proud that she choose to reflect herself through my eyes.

 

Will you love me ’till the end?

Here we are again, laying on the green, fresh grass, our fingers crossed, our eyes gazed at the blue skies above us. I’m smiling to the fluffy clouds and the sun, the moon with all the stars are smiling back at me…

-I never gave up on you, I kept my promise to wait and I kept you and our love untouched…

I turn to him and I read it in his eyes…He’s honest. He needs to say these words and all I want from him is to keep this beautiful silence. I’m guilty and my guilt has no music, no sound, no rhythm.

-We are meant to be and, no matter how hard you try to deny it, what’s meant to be, will come true in the end. You are my mate, my one and only, from all the human beings ever born into this world. My eternity will be with you.

He drew this perfect picture for me unaware of the fact that I’m not staying. His world will never be my world. It’s a question of faith, a question of destiny. But it feels so peaceful, so safe to just lay here with him and I just wish to hear the passing of the fluffy clouds…

-You come to me when the world you call “real” is tiring your soul. You come here broken, full of painful memories. You run to me every time he pushes you away. But, beloved,…you call me “shadow” when you’re my only reality. And I need you, I can’t breath without you, I wont live without you.

I do it, yes…where else would I go? It’s cold outside, it’s dark and it’s lonely. I didn’t break any promise either, I just crossed a very thin line. He talk about love but…what does he know? Love left me broken, with scars and insecurities. Love blinded and wounded me. No more…

-I pray for the truth to be revealed. For you to look back and to decide where you truly belong. For him to wake up one day without finding you there, in his bed. For us…to embrace, to welcome the end together. My faith guided you to me, back to me. Please, don’t let your faith drive you away…

“I have to go” I whisper and he knows I’m leaving him again. For as long as God allows me to stay strong. Without falling apart…I will come back, I promise we’ll face the end together. The end of Love…

Because there, where he belongs, there’s no light in the darkness. And shadows are dancing on the rhythm of their lost love.

He wants this dance and he dreams of endless nights of passion. He loves me because I’m his only reality. He needs me to be fragile, he needs me to depend on him. I do…from time to time…

“Will you love me ’till the end?”

“The end is so far away, honey, it’s hard to…What’s that? I swear I just saw a shadow near you. And now it’s gone…weird…Anyway, what were you saying?”

“Nothing, really…Nothing.”

 

 

Lay beside me, tell me what they’ve done…

She’s never smiling in my dreams. Never in peace, never joyful, never serene. And her eyes are deeper than I remember, with a silent pain inside their green. We look so much alike. Only that I’m here and she’s an angel. But…aren’t angels supposed to be happy?

I dreamed of her again and, this time, she was wearing a wedding dress and white flowers on her forehead. She spoke no word, just looked at me with so much sadness. And we just stood there, separated by a thin line…

I miss you. I see it now, I see the resemblance. It’s beyond the physical traits. And I am sorry I did not see it before…

The perfect romantic, searching for a prince on a white horse. That’s how my parents described her at first. She found him and she ran away…and the description became darker, meaner…

“Don’t you ever say this again! What’s there to admire? Do you want to be like her? A slut? She should be ashamed!”

She was. Ashamed for being abandoned by the one she loved. Ashamed for not fitting in such a rigidly moral family. Ashamed for not knowing more, for not being more.

I am ashamed now. I listened to their words instead of my inner voice. I thought I’m better…but I was only lonelier and sadder than you’ll ever be.

“What friendship? Do you really think she cares for you? She cares only for herself.”

But she did cared…enough to tell me that there’s a new life waiting for me. There, beside her, with her helping me through every new step. She cared. And I ignored her, smiling and saying a polite thank you.

I know you saw me struggling. What a sweet generosity, your open arms! What a beautiful way of telling me that love still exists…

I rarely dream of her and, even if I do, the dream is always the same. I never hear the words meant to set me free. Will I ever be forgiven?

Lay beside me, just one more time. We look like sisters, can you see? I was blinded by their hate. They said I’m better. They asked me to criticize and to judge you. They took the warmth in my heart and replaced it with a cold, dark superiority. That’s what they’ve done. That’s what I’ve done.

Forgive me. 

In the memory of my beloved friend, Iddy, gone too soon, two years ago.

 

We destroy the love…

And we’re doing it so gracefully, so naturally, so easily…

He’s listening with a distant smile on his face and I know he’s thinking of something else. I know he didn’t really understood a single word I said. So I just repress the tears, the crying voice, the pleading heart. There’s no time for vulnerability. My fragility doesn’t stand a chance with him. He needs me to be strong…

He’s sipping from his glass of whisky. The second, the third…I stopped counting them. His eyes are starring somewhere in the thin air, at some invisible ghost. I’m thinking I’m a ghost too…if I die right here, right now, he wont notice me dying…And the thought is suffocating me. No, not another moment of weakness. He likes me when I’m strong…

I’m holding the pillow in my arms, creating an armor. He’s browsing through his IPhone and I see colors and drawings on the screen. The little red circle, pointing out that he has a new message, makes him feel uncomfortable. I don’t want him to delete it. I wont read. He locks his cellphone with so many secret codes, but there’s really no need to. I’m not insecure, how would I be? He loves to see me strong…

The glass of whisky in one hand, the cellphone in the other. A little dizzy, a little confused. He’s going to lay down in our bedroom. His fingers will touch that cold screen. His eyes will gaze into the ceiling. He will call me eventually, alarmed by my silence. He’ll ask me if I’m upset and I’ll deny it again. He’ll pretend that he didn’t noticed my tears. I’m not crying for love these days. I’m not childish or foolish…After all, he asked me to be strong…

And that’s how we destroy love. That simple. That painful. That easy.

“What do you mean you can’t sleep? Again? Just take a sleeping pill. Or two. Do you want to be tired tomorrow?”

No, I just want to be loved. Today. See…I’m vulnerable and fragile, weak and insecure, childish and foolish. Just like you. Let’s not fix each other. 

Because (silly me) I’m still in love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After tonight, love will be Light

“Just hold me tight tonight…tighter than ever before…and don’t let go, even if I tell you to…just don’t let me go tonight…”

Vulnerable and scared, confused and lonely, lost and frightened…

“And if I cry, don’t ask me why I’m crying. Not tonight. Just run your fingers through my hair and talk to me softly. Don’t ask…don’t ask anything tonight.”

It only took four words to take my heart away.

“Keep me warm…the cold is running through my veins and we’re in danger…don’t let my heart be frozen again. Can you stop me from trembling?”

Forgiveness wasn’t enough…how do I move on?

“I did not know I’m so weak…give me a little of your strength. Before I fall…could you build a protective shield for me? And keep me safe beyond it? I don’t want to fly away…

Strong and independent. That’s how I promised myself to become. I lied. One time. I starred into the abyss for just one time. Where do I hide now?

“Don’t let anyone inside. It’s just you and me, this is how we were meant to be…so don’t let him…He’s a thief…hide me away. Hide my love away…”

Four words. And all my speeches about “letting go” and “forgiveness” and “making the right choice” were in vain. Empty words. Empty hearts. Eyes full of tears and souls full of guilt.

“Tonight…hold on to what we have. I chose you to protect the key to my heart. It is yours only. But I am a fool…and I am weak. Be strong for me…”

I still love you. 

Four cursed words. His words.

We are not doomed. Please tell me we’re not doomed!

“Just hold me tight. Don’t let go, even if I beg you to. After tonight, love will be light. My bright light. My only and complete Light. So, just hold on to what we have…”

The girl I knew so well…

She was waving at me, with her big eyes and her glorious smile. The light surrounding her face seemed to descend from another world. But the sound of the train was real, as her golden hair, flying on the swirling winds…

And I wondered if I’m the only one seeing her.

“So, tell me. Tell me what do you see! What keeps you here, between trains, between worlds. What is it that you cannot let go?”

I should have told her about her heart of gold. About the innocence and the undying sense of justice. I should have mentioned her sensibility, her visions of a future that never came true. Her pink clouds she kept walking on…until…

“No, not this…this I knew already. The other ones…the bad things…”

Oh, how could I ever mention anything wrong, when I know how she cannot stand to be criticized. She always smiles, but she cries, saying harsh words to herself. She never truly knew how bright she can shine…How would I mention her being judgemental from time to time. Her lack of trust and her inability of seeing the nuances…

“My turn now. I think you’re driving me away because of him. He broke your heart and you’re blaming me! And you want to believe that love is something like a sweet, calm, golden autumn day. 

So let me give you my truths. Love makes you fly so high, so brilliantly, so beautifully…that you ask yourself how could you ever go back…

And Love is a storm. A gentle, yet powerful storm, creating butterflies inside you. Taking away, breaking down your walls. Taking off your masks. Making you new…”

She’s dancing on the railway and her golden hair is filled with white butterflies. She laughs and cries at the same time. She is the storm. She is the sunshine. She is…

The girl I knew so well…

The girl I used to be…

Don’t…come back…I said all the wrong things! And worse…I didn’t listened! The train is gone…and so is she…and I cry…I just cry…

A crystal laugh and dancing butterflies. Her golden hair with rose petals and spring perfume. A pink cloud and a tender rain…why is it raining with little rainbows, shaped like hearts?

“Because I’m here.”

And she’s laughing and she’s embracing my fading heart…

“So…Will you shine again? Come on! Just because some idiot broke your heart…now, is this a reason to bury yourself into darkness? When Light and Love are just one step away?”

Just make a wish… and you’ll be a mirror for the Light around you. Even when you’re broken in sharp pieces. Let them reflect rainbows and pink clouds.

And if you feel you just want to lay down and cry, that’s alright too…

WE’RE BROKEN TOGETHER.