Here I pray, Lord, where nobody is listening…

 

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“He must be the coldest man I ever met!” she said to herself, starring at him with her big green eyes. “And the rudest! Because I said hello and he wouldn’t even look at me, then I asked How are you? and he wouldn’t move a muscle! He wouldn’t give me a smile…”.

Her passion for lost causes brought her to him. And her desire of saving the world made her stay a little more than usual in his quiet company. And…yes, he was handsome! Yes, he had that “fallen angel” aura…something pointless to love but impossible to ignore.

One more try.

“You’re so cold, can I give you my coat? There you are, isn’t it better?”

She must have hurt his pride…probably. Her pink coat was laying on the snow and still, no intention of him to respond to her kindness. Then she noticed he’s on his knees.

“You are praying? Here? In the park? I guess we can pray anywhere…Hey, can I pray with you?”

She got on her knees, but realized very quickly that that’s a bad idea.

“I hope God wont mind me praying standing…you know, sometimes I don’t even know if he notice me. My knees hurt from that fall I took the other day, while trying to save the lost kitten. Anyway…what are we praying for?”

He moved away.

Okay, one last try.

“Sometimes I don’t know what to pray for. So I just say…Thank you, Father. For the colors and the songs, for the rainbows and the butterflies. Thank you for the love I have in me. Thank you for loving me back. Amen! And…Father Anthony heard me once and he said is the most beautiful prayer he ever heard! But he’s just kind to me.”

Big tears falling from his eyes.

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“Oh, you’re crying…Please don’t cry…See, sometimes I feel I’m praying in vain. Like nobody is listening. Once, I was so desperate, (I was climbing a small mountain and a storm began) that I shouted out loud: Here I am Lord! Here, where you can’t hear me! Where you don’t see me! Where should I climb to be closer to you? He heard me, cause the storm stopped and I saw the rainbow…”

A ray of light on his devastated face.

“See? That’s a sign! Oh, I’m so happy I was here with you! Can I hug you?”

She hugged him and kept him warm, close to her heart. She only let him go when her hands got icy cold. Her arms were empty.

The snowman smiled to her from the clear blue skies above. She was sad, then she was grateful. She understood that, maybe, this is her mission.

To see a blessing in every little thing. To hear a response of Heaven in every little prayer. To reach out to the hopeless ones. To love. Above all, TO LOVE.

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Don’t let the darkness win!

777fc17b4c00e4c0ef1b818a1188fc0cI’m looking fascinated at his tattoos…I never saw them so closely. I’m tenderly touching his arm, the cross with a serpent surrounding it and some Latin words…And on his shoulder, covered by his shirt, there’s the black sun, every ray having a sort of incantation written on it. He seems amused by my interest…

-Well, aren’t you going to ask? Their stories…

-No…I’m just so happy that you went to the church and talked to my priest in the confessional…It was the most unexpected…Thank you! Thank you, Christian!

I’m hugging him again and again and he laughs.

-He’s a very sweet man, your priest. And confessing my sins brought a peace I was longing for. I’m ready to make a change, to start a new life and a different relationship with your…no, sorry…with God. And I need your help…

-Anything…

-You see…I’m a bit scared of needles…Why are you so amazed?

-Needles?

-Yes…to remove these…Okay, you can hug me again for encouragement!

He’s removing his tattoos! He’s removing his hate and resentment towards God…

-But…the scars…

-I’ll replace them with something…a surprise for you!

I can’t wait. The child in me jumps in joy. It’s spring in my heart!

-No, tell me now! Pleaseee…

-Okay…you…surprises breaker! I thought of replacing them with butterflies. A symbol of a new path, a new life. And also…it will remind me of you…so I’ll have you with me…always.

I could cry tears of joy now…I do…But I don’t want him to see…

-So please hurry with anything you have to do…the appointment is in an hour…

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I rush into the church, trying to find Father Anthony…

I can’t see him, but I hear his voice. He’s holding The Bible in his hands. He cries…his hands seem so weak, I’m afraid he’ll drop the book…He’s pale and trembling and, with one hand he presses on his heart…

Father Anthony…are you alright?

He didn’t noticed me…but he reads in a louder voice and I have this feeling…something is so wrong…

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

-Do you recognize the verses?

-Ephesians?

-Ephesians 6:12…May God protect you and have mercy on your soul, child!

I’m standing there silently. He rarely calls me “child”…only when…

-How can I help you?

-Oh, I was just passing by and I thought I could join the Rosary group…but I had a change of plans…I’m helping a friend…you know, he was before in the confessional and…

He looks at me with sadness.

-The lamb and the wolf cannot walk together. Your enemy cannot be your friend. See, we live times of great decisions. What path will you chose?

-I’m sorry, but…he said that confessing his sins brought him peace…and he wants to start a new life…You met him in the confessional!

My voice betrays the desperation inside me.

-It was not a confession! It was a declaration of war.

-You must be mistaken him…

He takes my hands into his old, weak hands.

-Open the eyes of your soul and see the truth. You’re like a sweet butterfly, flying to the light. Some lights are just darkness in disguise. Anyway, I need your help with the gifts for the orphans…

I don’t hear him anymore. A butterfly…they both said the same…and I…I need time…

-It’s only for the next hour…

Where will I go in the next hour? When my every road seem to take me to nowhere and lights can be just as deceiving as darkness.

So, here I am, sitting on the stairs of the old church, in my secret hiding place…

What path should I chose?

 

My soul is yearning for you…

The-BreakupI want to run to you with open arms and I want to cry like I never cried before. I need my tears to wash away this bitter fog that’s covering my senses. Because my eyes are blinder than ever and my ears can’t hear anymore the singing choir of angels…

I want to stop denying this fragility inside me and to break every fake smile into a thousand sharp pieces. To let them pierce this useless empty shell – my heart. Maybe inside of it I’ll find my inner light. Or not. But it wouldn’t matter, even darkness is brighter than my blurred visions…

I want to let it all go and to discover the fear of losing myself. If that’s what it takes, if that’s what I need, if my soul only awakens when being afraid. I need to be scared again because I don’t know how it feels to be loved. I’m not willing to learn…or am I?

With you as my guide. With you holding my world into your hands. Take me to the edge and show me the abyss, but stay with me till the end. I’ll gladly gave away an eternity of blue skies for a walk in the storm. With you.

I love you.

The piece of paper slipped from my trembling hands. I watched it flying away from the bridge to the black water below us. I saw it becoming one with the mud and I still couldn’t cry. I still wouldn’t grieve. I witness its disappearing in the dark waters and I blamed God. Me. You. Us. I blamed the blue skies, the withe pigeons, the smiling people around me. I blamed LIFE. And I hated it with despair.

You chose wrong. Why on heaven and earth would you chose to love another empty shell? Why in God’s name would you want to learn about love from a stoned heart? Why is it always too late…too dangerous…too complicated?

Why can’t you come back and tell it to my face? Every written word, every wasted heart beat? Why are you there and I am here, surrounded by Christmas’s lights, laughs and embraces? When I want none of them!

Come back into my dreams. Let me feel the pain of losing you again and again. Don’t stop, this pain will keep me alive. Because you died and I never had the chance to tell you…

I love you too.

In the loving memory of the love we aren’t given a chance to fight for. And for you, Gabriel.

Hey little pigeon, where are you flying to?

maxresdefaultIf I open the golden cage…

Will you fly over the green fields, where life blossoms in the fresh grass kissed by the gentle rain? He’s waiting for me there, with his arms full of wild flowers and a smile brighter than the sun…

Tell him I’ll be there soon…

Will your wings touch the pure white snow on the highest mountains, where faith rise with every snow flake that’s breaking its flight just to give sparkles to the icy wind? He’s standing there, with his arms open and fire in his eyes…

Tell him I’ll keep my promises…

Will you find the endless desert, where castles of sand are being build and destroyed in the name of human idols? He’s fighting quicksands and sinful illusions there, for me, with a tired soul and a hopeless destination…

Tell him I’ll be his shelter…

Will you cross the Atlantic ocean, where angels spread their wings over a perfect blue sky, sending a free, careless ray of light into the lovers hearts? He’s dreaming of me there, laying on the beach, whispering words of love to the wildest waves…

Tell him I’ll wipe away his secret tears…

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Will you come back to me, little pigeon? I need to know…

Did he laugh or cry reading my silly, childish, naive and harmless thoughts?

Is he still keeping our love story as his most cherished treasure?

Am I still his everything?

Hey, little pigeon…you are free to fly, like I never was. Find him, tell him he’s free too…

 

I wonder where you are tonight…

DBl8EVwXUAIkIp4Remember my dream? The one I’ve told you about in a sunny morning, with a bright smile and starry eyes, reflecting the best that my heart had to offer. To you…

I was playing with a little angel. Feeling free, feeling careless and powerful, like a child. Being a child again, in my heart. Feeling innocent, pure, playful and sweet…

And the little angel took a ball of light and threw it to me. I catch it, I did…”Take it, it is yours!” And he laughed and spread his wings and left me there, on the green field, with my soul full of light. I played with the ball of light until my arms were tired. And I just knew…I held it tight, close to my heart until all the light became a part of me…

The ball had an incredible blue color. Blue like oceans. Green like the forests of the earth. Brown like the mountains and white like the purest snow. I was holing The Earth in my arms…

Remember how you said that I’m blessed with a power so beautiful in its fragility…And I said that the only power I ever wanted was the power to touch your heart. Your oceans-away-heart…

You told me that I’m the queen of your heart…

Where are you tonight, my king?

I’m trying so hart to imagine you happy, surrounded by a loving family, with someone holding your hand, talking sweet little things. I’m trying so hard to imagine you happy in love.

I try and I fail.

Remember how, so many times, the little girl in me found a refuge in you. Your kindness, your forgiveness, your love…my wings. The door to my heart was wide open and you said…

You said I’m your Garden of Eden. Your EVE. 

Why are we submitted to the same errors over and over again? Your Eve swore she’ll never get near the tree of knowledge. She felt the cold air of damnation and pulled you closer, holding so tight on your soul, suffocating you, asking more and more, demanding a prove, a sign…

Forgive me. It was out of love.

Remember the final part of my dream?

Before flying away, the little angel became suddenly serious: “It’s yours. Just be careful what you do with it…”

Here I am, living my time on Earth, the best way I can. There’s nothing to wait for, so I live every moment the way it is. Without your love. Sometimes I feel so lost, so sad and alone and I want you to know…

You were right. And you were loved.

More than my words could ever say…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day I’ll be thankful too…

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I can’t remember for how long…it seemed like an eternity…I just stood there, on the cold, wet bench in the park, with leafs and cold rain drops falling over me…Dark sky above me, dark thoughts inside…

I know that children get sick and catching a flu is natural in this cold weather…and I know that a house can get messy, things all around…and I know they need me…but…Lord…I’m tired, didn’t get much sleep, haven’t got the time to eat…and I turned to him for comfort…and…once again…he’s tired and frustrated too…I just need to feel loved…just a little bit…

I don’t know how did he find me there, since the bench was pretty isolated…and I can’t explain this joy I’m feeling inside when I see him…

-Christian!

-Hey…you forgot your umbrella again? Here, take mine…you’re frozen! Come on, let’s go somewhere nice and warm…

I need fresh air…just for a minute…

He’s putting his arms around me and all I can do is to close my eyes and pray this is more than a dream. I feel his fingers through my hair…

-What’s that? Oh, I hope I didn’t break it…

My silver necklace…St. Benedict medal..I always wear it in my moments of dark…just a reminder that someone, somewhere…still loves me…

-That’s my…

-This is a Saint Benedict medal! Why on earth are you wearing such thing? You know, there’s a thin line between…are you aware of the significance of this?

Saint Benedict medal is a symbol of the fight against evil. People also wear this medal sometimes when they’re praying for an easy, painless way of dying. Still, the power is NOT in the medal itself, but in the faith and love we’re carrying in our souls.

-And why is this bothering you?

-Because you deserve more than this blind faith in something that never answered, never proved to be real!

And I can’t take it anymore…

-Let’s make things clear, Christian! Tolerance is a two ways street. Don’t think I didn’t noticed how you never miss a chance to say a bad word…and don’t think I didn’t noticed that tattoo of yours, with the black sun! Yes, I did! Next time you attack my faith, be prepared to defend yours!

-Okay.

And he walks away.

Abandoned and alone, here I am, in the cold November rain, still refusing to cry, still not able to go home, still willing to believe…

It felt like forever…

The smell of something sweet and his warm touch.

-I brought you…this.

A chocolate cookie…

-I bought it from the bakery across the street…I don’t know if you like it…

-It’s perfect…thank you. And forgive me…

-I kicked myself for talking like that to you…is just that…

No, it’s my fault and only! I sounded so arrogant and superior like I’m some kind of preacher when I’m just a lost soul…filled with doubts and fears…And I’m so thankful, so grateful to have you in my life…

-Please let me say it…One day I’ll be thankful too. I will believe too. But for now, I need this anger, I need this rage…to keep myself alive. This is my way of surviving.

Tears are running down my cheeks.

I guess you’re smarter than me…my way of surviving was always Love. Look where it brought me…

He takes me in his arms.

Love is a two ways street too, just like tolerance. I need you…but you need to go home…And one day, when all this rage will be just a wild memory…I will be thankful too. 

 

Let me take you far away…

ad_1191455281I never had a proper sense of danger…

Isn’t it a bit silly, to just stand here, on a broken bridge, in the middle of the storm?

He put his arms around my shoulders while the raging sea was washing away any trace of reason, any instinct or intuition of self-defense…I smiled in a deep gratitude for these warm, loving arms, but I wasn’t going to take any step back…into the safety of the dry land…

Come with me, I’ll take you home, this is too wild, too cold…

I am home. This is how I’m used to be…one step in the unknown and salty water on my face. This is where my heart feels safe. Beyond this, I’m bound to the emptiness of the white walls of my love. Beyond this, I’m unable to breath and I’m helpless…He left me broken, scared, confused and alone. And here…here is where I found my safe place…

Aren’t you afraid to stand here all alone? Contemplating the raging waves and risking a wrong step? Aren’t you tired of waiting?

No…not if I have a chance, just a little chance to see…

Oh, silly girl, what are you expecting to see? Can’t you realize that the black clouds became one with the dark waters? And your horizon is forever gone into the swirling winds? Will you ever see more than madness and despair?

I’ll see him…he’ll conquer the wildness and he’ll rule over any storm. He’ll come after me and he’ll take me far away…I’m safe here because I can hope and I can wait. And he will come…

What if he’s already here?

Is it in the warmth of his smile? Or in the light of his eyes? These butterflies inside me, this feeling of spring…Can you do it for me? Would you bring life into my white desert if I need it so much?

Why don’t you find out for yourself, my brave little angel?

He leans over and kisses my salty lips…

And all of the sudden…

There’s light…and faith…and hope…

There’s love…

Let me take you far away. You were meant to fly high and I promise…

I’m gonna love you like there’s no tomorrow and still, beyond any contradiction, like we’re everlasting and immortal. 

Because there isn’t. Because we are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That was when I ruled the world…

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Who would have known that perfection can be so devastating? 

I didn’t understood her words. Whispered words, like talking to herself. In my own world, the main rule was surviving. And that didn’t included analyzing someone’s perfect life. None of my business…

She laughed.

I’m being silly, right? But today was the happiest day of my life. I guess I’m allowed to play a little. Wanna see my happy smile?

I mumbled something. A sort of yes and no at the same time. I couldn’t care less for her happiest day. Good for her! Rule number two: if they’re happy, let them be.

She smiled with bright, glorious eyes.

It’s not like every day you’re winning a beauty pageant, right? Imagine a huge stage and, when they called my name, all eyes were on me! I never felt so…Hey, let me show you the crown!

I looked at her trying to show just a little enthusiasm. I couldn’t. Half-smile from half-heart. The rest of me was frozen. “You have inner beauty, that’s more important than being pretty.” That’s what my dad said when I asked him if I’m beautiful. I hated him. Rule number three: If you can’t say something nice, keep the silence. So, I’ll be silent…

She sighted.

I felt like I’m in top of the world! You know the feeling? Have you ever felt like you rule the world? 

I excused myself, saying that I’m in such a hurry…In fact, I never knew the feeling. I was always like a falling leaf, carried by a wicked wind…Rule number four: Don’t speak about what you don’t know!

She wiped away an imaginary tear.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t feel so tired. I was there, on the stage and I had this crazy sensation like I need air. Like something was suffocating me, but it was…from inside of me. And I felt like crying and people believed they’re tears of joy…

Yeah, probably…(Rule number five: be polite but don’t be nosy. Stay away if it’s none of your business.)

…and they started to applaud. And I felt…lost. What could it be? Am I catching a cold? Oops…the elevator is here! Gotta fly like a pretty butterfly to the seventh floor! See you upstairs…hey, do you know you have amazing eyes? You could be a beauty queen yourself! 

She ran away so fast that I couldn’t say thank you. She said I have amazing eyes! And she said I could be a beauty queen! And I knew, right then, right there…The feeling. This is how it feels when you rule the world. A fifteen years old world!

A few hours later I was writing in the diary. The daily post. Entitled “I had the feeling that I’m ruling the world!”. I was just writing an inspirational ending when I heard a knock on my closed door.

With trembling hands, all pale and crying, my mother asked me to “don’t look down”

“down?”

“down the balcony…they found her…what’s left of her anyway.”

“her?”

“you know her…the girl from the seventh floor…it looks like she jumped.”

“jumped?”

“just…please don’t look down. It’s a terrible sight…I can’t understand…she just won another beauty pageant…”

“beauty?”

“oh, you’re in shock…actually, is not that shocking…she tried before, with pills, but her mother said it’s just…teenage moods…it seems that she was depressed…”

“depressed?”

“please stop repeating the words. Yes, she was diagnosed with depression…but a very tricky form, because she was always happy and smiling and laughing around here…okay, go back to your home works or whatever were you doing…”

Rule number…

No. The Absolute Rule, cancelling all the rules ever made up by human minds:

Listen to the desperate call of the lost butterflies. Love them. Don’t let them walk alone when they’re so close to the edge. Love them again. Say it a thousand times and say it out loud. 

So they would ask for help before it’s too late…

 

Just breakaway (Out of the darkness!)

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The stage was set and the little girl walked right to the microphone. All lights were on her and her hands were trembling. I thought she’ll drop the microphone. I thought she’ll run away. I prayed she would…

He’s holding my hand and I’m squeezing his fingers too hard so he pulls off. I don’t want to witness this but I can’t turn my head this time. I feel guilty…I tried, I really did…but I was called “out of fashion” and “envious” and “jealous” and “with absolutely no taste when it comes to music” and “just a country girl” (I kinda liked the last one).

Yes, they said all these words. The proud parents of the little girl dressed in a black leather dress, with a make up that makes her look tired and cheap. With a black choker way too similar to a collar. I was out of line, I admit. I threatened to call the Child’s Care and they laughed. I spoke about morality and about protecting her image and they ignored me.

Then I used big words like abuse. Emotional abuse. About endangering this innocent child. About using her as a tool to get more fame and money. About selling her soul and her life along with theirs.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you a fanatic? She’ll perform her number just like she was taught to!”

The girl heard me and she started to cry. I made a child cry right before the big show…Yes, I do feel guilty…

He feels the same, even if he doesn’t express it that abruptly. I know he does…I take his hand into mine, looking for comfort…He’s cold as ice.

-How can they expose…

He turns to me and the anger in his eyes leaves me speechless.

-Look, I’m tired of your complaints. I didn’t wanted to come here, you dragged me! But you can’t simply relax and enjoy the show, do you? No. You need to argue, to create drama, to get all the attention!

And he walks away…

I’m here all alone with my tears and my betrayed sense of justice. I’m so sorry…I’m not an attention-addict monster…I’m not a drama queen…I’m just…Just me, the same as I always was. And losing him hurts more than losing any fight for justice. So I surrender…

The little girl sings with a lost voice. Not really wanting to be there. But you know…the show must go on…

Or not.

A harsh sound just interrupted the show. Something’s wrong with the sound. The microphone just became dysfunctional. And my phone is beeping…

I’m an idiot. But, when you cry, I get angry. I want to fix it, whatever it is. So, stupid me, instead of fixing,  I destroyed. If you can forgive me…I’m right outside. 

PS: It will take a while for them to find out…what caused the damage of the sound system, but still…hurry up.

PS2: You with the talking, me with the breaking…we’re still an incredible team, aren’t we, babe?

Yes, we truly are.

That sweet, old fashioned notion

tango_dancing_couple_by_naderdes-d4ygtxiThere was a flame in his eyes and no way to deny it. He could easily be a hero or, maybe, one of those people who’s words changed mentalities. But he’s just…

I could read between his lines. His voice is deeper than a lost thunder in its way to meet the sea. A sea of doubts. He’ll calm down the raging waves. He’ll make sure I found peace. Only that I…

Lost in time and separated by a distance we cannot cross. He’s still mine. I’m still his. The bravest part of me will always meet the brightest part of him. To feel complete, to become one. Still, we…

Torn apart by unspoken words, our voices were silenced by the unsung songs. We live for the untold stories and they’re happy for our unwritten happy endings. If they only…

We’re broken mirrors for each other’s wounds, starring in each other’s abysses. No peace for the lost souls. No medals for the survivors. What if…

But he’s just an old flame. A peaceful, harmless hero who never got the chance to fight.

Only that I turned my peace into disaster, creating drama and breaking our hearts.

Still we have a place in this legendary love. We just never settled for what we were given.

If they only knew that our smiles hide a million love songs, all ours…Would they set us free?

What if you and me, warriors by nature, will one day decide to break the rules? To find real peace and real love. I’d be your run-away girl if you’d only be my shelter.

What if, one day, out of the blue, I’ll come looking for you, threatening to break your almost-perfect bubble of lies? 

Hey…are we still talking about love? You know, that sweet old-fashion notion…romantic, pure and harmless? 

No. We stopped talking about love long time ago.

It’s all about Freedom.