I’ll be there to protect you!

I saw you running away again, I saw you hiding your eyes, so I had to come…Why are you smiling, here, in the darkest corner of your empty room? No one can see you, no one but me…the ghost of your years to come, so, why are you still smiling?

The show you put on every day is quite beautiful, the mask shines so bright in the moonlight…yes, you got their standing ovations! But here, where no one applauds, why do you keep wearing it?

You thought your love is a lullaby, to cradle your soul through all the insecurities and hurt, so you sang it all alone in the rain…but here, where no one hears your voice, why can’t you stop singing?

You swore that life is all about giving, so you offered the best of you -and all for free-, just to learn that he’s fed up of your generosity! So here, where no one takes your given heart, why don’t you quit offering?

Who am I, you keep asking…

I’ll tell you one thing…your bitterness created me.

My hands feel cold, wet and slippery…your tears.

My lips taste like fresh, salty blood…red like your cuts, sad like the remaining scars.

My hair is made of silken ropes…your nightmares.

And my heart, oh, my heart…I guess loneliness never had a heart!

Yes, I am a ghost and I’m damn sure I ain’t leaving! I’ll keep haunting you and I’ll keep frighten you! I’ll be the arms that wont stop holding you…I’ll be that one reason you need to raise your eyes and your voice! I’ll challenge you to be honest! I’ll be there to protect you, when there’s no one else…

And don’t you dare dying!

I am the ghost of your years to come. I am your choice, your light perverted into darkness. Stop smiling, it’s time to take off all of your masks. It’s time to fall…and to pray…to love and to trust…to believe and to discover.

It’s time to live. Differently.

 

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Let me hold you…

Let me run my fingers through your hair, I know you remember the sweet sensation of letting go…Oh, how tense your shoulders must feel, carrying all your secret pain…So let me play with your soft curls…

Let me whisper sweet little words in your ear, I know you’re tired of all the irony and anger…Oh, how hurt you must be when only sarcasm breaks this agonizing silence…So let me whisper sweet words of love…

Let me bathe you in rose petals, I know you love the mesmerizing perfume of flowers on your bare skin…Oh, how lonely you must feel when blind eyes are starring at your naked beauty…So let me bathe you in soft petals and gentle touches…

Let me take you to a place of wonders, I know your dreams were full of colors and joy…Oh, how scared you must feel when darkness haunts you and breaks you every single night…So let me take you to a place of dreams…

I will make you feel safe, just let me hold you…

You are so lonely and so sad, so scared and tired, so hurt and desperate…

So unwanted and unloved.

But if you let me, I will hold you and you won’t feel the pain…only the peace, only the dream, only the dark…So let me hold you for the last time.

That’s how he lied and I almost believed. Too many times, in too many ways…he held me through my blindness, taking me straight into the darkest night. He promised me the safety of an eternal love, but all I’m left with are the ever-bleeding cuts and bruises.

He has so many names and he never reveals them all. What is it? Depression? Or Anxiety? Maybe Borderline? Perhaps is Bipolar? All of them and even more? He cruelly laughs while I desperately try to define it, in order to control it. He plays with notions and symptoms, while guiding me to the end of the road.

I said no today and all the lies turned to smoke.

And then I raised my tired eyes. Yes, I am loved!

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

 

Are you scared enough?

His eyes have the serenity of a different world, and no shadow can cast its wicked spell upon them. The deep peace within the white of his unseen wings makes the icy wall melt. Here…this is my heart, laying defenseless in his palms…

-What are you truly searching, sweet soul?

-I needed you…it’s a long time since this door was closed…Out of bravery, I thought…

-So, now, you’re too tired to be brave?

-I was wrong. In my arrogance, I convinced myself that I need no one! 

-You know I was there all the time, even in your deepest loneliness. Even in your nightmares…

His words have the taste of sweet honey, poured upon a thirsty heart. Butterflies and roses, clear water in my eyes, perfumed kisses on my forehead…He knows the longings of this angry soul. He knows there’s nothing I can offer. For what I’m bringing is my darkness and the flames I’m facing every time I close my eyes.

Still, with nothing left to lose, carrying the hurt and the despair of to many sleepless nights, here I lay the darkness, here I bring my pain. And if I’d have the right, I’d pray for the innocent eyes to never see what I see…

-Tell me about the demons.

-It’s not just every night, it’s every time I fall asleep. I’m seeing things beyond the most terrifying stories of hell. I’m fighting vivid nightmares, they attack me even when I’m down, crawling…

-Symbols of cruelty and evil.

-Wild beasts, angry wolves, dark winds, hurricanes that whisper hateful words…

-And then, the pact.

-The pact. When all these nightmares suddenly stopped and a gentle sun covered my teared face. It was peace for a brief moment and I cried in joy, thinking I was free. Then I saw him.

-He spoke to you, he told you what to do.

-Yes. He told me the one thing he needed from me. The one thing that’ll stop the nightmares, the torment, the pain. It was supposed to save the ones I love. It was supposed to set me free!

–The one thing you cannot give.

-My life. It wasn’t me who created it, how could I end it? 

-He asked you if you’re scared enough.

-I was shaking, there was no way to deny it. Yes, I was scared enough!

-Scared enough to give in?

–Scared enough to ask for your help. But you already knew it, didn’t you?

-I did, but you needed to be reminded that no one is left alone in this battle. No one fights for their life by themselves!

I thanked him and I closed my eyes. Peacefully dreaming, joyfully resting my tired eyes. There are no guarantees they wont come back. My nightmares. But one thing I know for sure: I wont face them alone…

 

 

Image from my personal collection

 

 

 

Confession (2)

They saw me naked and I felt no shame! It happened when my wounds were completely healed, so I felt brave and desperate at the same time. Who am I without my scars? Too lucid for the deep hours of the night, too dreamy to face the morning!

Dear God, my crazy heart knew exactly what it’s doing! I couldn’t lie, pretending it’s just one of those dreams, for my eyes were wide awake, shining with excitement! The moment was right, I was glowing in the dark, and they saw it all…

I whispered no words, no sounds of protest, while, shamelessly naked, I raised my head, knowing deep inside me that I can be anything I pretend to be! Beautiful and wild, free and innocent, loved…Yes, they applauded my new found courage and asked for more.

They saw me, my Lord, they saw it all and I liked it! I smiled while my bare shoulders felt no more weight, no more burden! I played with my hair and I walked graciously towards them, maybe too close, for I felt their cold breath beneath me…

That’s when my smile turned to tears and I tried to cover my nakedness! They remained silent while I crumbled on my knees, begging the sky to fall upon me, to dress me up in stars and gentle rain…I asked for a thunderstorm, to wipe away the memory of this painful moment…

…when I was naked, and they saw every little part of me!

Forgive me, Father, this was meant for him. For his eyes to truly see me. It was supposed to touch him somehow…My naked soul, glowing in the moonlight, my bare shoulders aching for his arms, to relieve this loneliness inside. And I was wrong, while being beautiful and innocent, wild and free!

It hurts, dear God…I may never be like this…

I was naked tonight and they saw me! The cold walls, thick and unbreakable, they saw it all! And you know what’s the saddest part?

…they were the only ones.

 

*If you want to read the first part, here is where you can find it: https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/confession/

Photo from my personal collection.

 

You wont remember me…

I was aching for a touch, a special kind of touch, so I brought you here, where the sun kisses the waves, where the wind swears its love to the falling leafs…

Was it my dream? or was it yours? I cannot remember anymore…the moment when we laid on the sand, heart by heart, hand in hand…that moment sealed my lips, so no more words of pain could turn to life…

My trembling fingers tracing the tears on your face, kissing each one, tasting the salty water on your cheeks. Whispers from your dream…yes, I’m being silly again…these  aren’t tears, it’s only the sea and its bitter-sweet memories…

And then we’re dancing against the cruel time…it’ll take me away…it always does…

Not in your dream, not in your heart…where am I, my love?

Not in your memories.

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

 

 

When we pass the end…

The bridge was waiting for me, ever since I opened my eyes to this ferocious world. I always knew…one day…you and me we’ll meet on that bridge. It’ll be our last day as lovers.

The echoes of its voice haunted my innocent years, a sign of the troubled waters I’m supposed to cross. I always felt…I have to stay safe, for you and me, for the divine love that unites our souls, even if one day…you’ll be standing on that bridge too. It’ll be my last day of torment.

The road was rocky, but it always guided me to the edge of the bridge. That’s where I’ll find you, that’s where I’ll cry. You’ll say nothing, but your silence will shout angry, horrible words. It’ll be your last day of hate.

We’ll be together, looking in each other’s eyes, on the doomed bridge. You’ll feel my weakness, so you’ll despise me even more, no matter how hard I plead for my life…you’ll still push me into the deep, dark waters…

That’s when we’re no longer lovers…

That’s when all my crying is done…

And you can’t hate me anymore.

So, here I am, on the edge of the bridge, this is the day meant to set us both free. My eyes are burning, but my heart is cold as ice, waiting for that last push into the unknown. Dreaming of a world where all the metaphors speak of miracles and love.

Here I am…the one that you used to love. Your best friend and the one you held through the roughest storms. Ready to face the abyss of your empty eyes. No guilt allowed, for you are doing it as a prove of kindness. A final one.

The bridge was always waiting, calling, haunting and alluring me. To sit on the edge of it, to count the paving tiles, to touch the old barricade that separates life from death. He always knew…it wont be my final day, not today, not here…

The bridge is old as time and lonely as the heart you deserted. He called you too, to meet me in the middle. To hold my hand and to carry me home…You never came.

So I turned my heart into a bridge…

 

 

Title inspired by the amazing song “When love kills love” by Scorpions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwaUeb0qc_Y

Photo from my personal collection.

 

 

 

In my bewildered eyes…

He took my hand and asked me to trust him, ’cause the place he’s taking me to is not for the faint of heart. I closed my eyes, I said a prayer, I promised I’ll follow his hollowing voice ’till the end of my time…

“Lay with me here, on the silky grass, here where the sky aligns the clouds in so many mysterious ways…

It’s blue, too blue…and warm…

I need you to see through my eyes, my love, I’m lost behind a wall of fears I cannot break, nor look above it!

It’s deep, too deep…this loneliness…deeper than the ocean above us…

Don’t mind my tremble, just open your heart and tell me…what do you see up there?

It’s close, too close…could be a storm…could be a sign…

Don’t cry…

It’s real, too real…I wish I were with you…

Just take my hand, you’re starting to believe it now, my darling…the signs, the wonders, the demons and the storms, they were meant to be…

It’s dark, too dark…my path and yours…

Can you see it too? In my dreams, we always see the same signs, for our hearts are one and our souls have wings…but you, sweet butterfly, you always run, and I never know…

It’s blind, too blind…the faith that guides me…

Blind enough to love the unlovable?

I see an angel of light coming from above, looking straight into our souls. I see the justice he’s bringing, for all the unknown martyrs. I see love, a love so pure and beautiful…I see healing and joy…after the storm…Can you see the angel too? Or is it just a cloud, reflected in my bewildered eyes…

Open your eyes now!

Wait…So, was it just a dream? The love I felt, the blue above me, the warmth of your heart…

What’s life if not a mysterious dream, filled with signs and wonders that we refuse to see?

But I did…I did the right thing…where are you? Why am I so alone?

Shhhtttt…wipe away your tears and raise your eyes! Look up now!”

Do you see it?

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

 

There’s a wolf out there! (watch out, children!)

 

He’s waiting in the dark, every single night, hungrily preying on my weakened soul. Red eyes, sharp teeth, wicked claws – deceiving shadow in the ever lasting nights…

He wants nothing less than a taste of eternity and he knows how to get it! Stealing my life, he promises the one thing he cannot give: peace.

Lost in my sleeplessness, numbed by the emptiness inside…that’s how he wants me, a shell of broken dreams, unaware of the wonders given upon me…

He wants me to feel nothing! That’s how you know…

You know he bit you when tears turn to blood and your book of life turns grey. When there are no colors to paint the raging world outside…

…when you’re a walking dead, with ghostly eyes and sealed emotions!

And they will call you lazy…

and they will think you’re blind…

So they will offer their expertise, advises, solutions…little miracles all boxed and ready to be used!

But nothing works, because the wolf is here, cruelly laughing at their pointless efforts.

He’s waiting in the dark, he knows the taste of my blood and the warmth of my tears. Bold and reckless, thirsty for the light inside me, he gave me no choice…

…but to fight for my soul!

Watch out, children of God, there’s a wolf outside. Take your prayers as your unbeatable armor, remember the love we were given, call an army of angels if that’s what it takes!

To destroy the beast for ever.

 

 

Title inspired by Kelly Family’s song “The wolf” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIJKeOc4Vvc

Photo from my personal collection

Black mirrors

“Broken glass all over her bedroom floor…In my nightmares, she’s escaping the black mirror…”

Nonsense, he’s whispering, your mind is nothing but a drama queen!

“Stuck there for years, she witnessed the kindness turning into cruelty…”

Okay, let’s play, he arrogantly smiles. How many years behind the mirror?

“Four and a half. Enough to drive any sensitive soul into madness. Sleepless and blind, she only heard the laughs…”

Well, she’s pretty good when it comes to play the victim part! he abruptly interrupts me, pretending not to hear the tremble in my voice.

“Unlovable. Ugly. Unwanted. Sad. Old. Hopeless. Fat. Pathetic. Ridiculous.”

Right, ridiculous. Stupid ghost, she was haunted by her own hallucinations, he angrily says, turning his eyes away from me.

“Stupid, yes…for loving so desperately. But love quickly turns into dark behind the black mirror, so she learned to hate the very things she used to adore.”

What? Sorry, this is becoming a bit too much for me. So, for example, if she adored chocolate, she must really hate it now…he nervously laugh.

“Vanilla ice-cream, pizza, the color blue, dancing, small talks, cuddling, making love, heart shaped clouds, your voice…The way it felt when your fingers played on her soft skin…She learned to hate all these things and beyond them…”

Is there any point to this? Are we getting anywhere or we’re just being dramatic for the sake of romance? he impatiently asks me.

“She hurt herself.”

Aha.

“Deep cuts that left bloody traces. Scars that took months to heal.”

Really.

“You never saw…Or…did you?”

For God’s sake!

“Please, just listen! I need to tell you, it might be my only chance to heal…”

Right, your nightmares. So she escaped the black mirror?

“She broke it and then she thought she’s finally free. Finally loved…and rediscovering…your voice…the most beloved melody when you pronounced her name…your eyes…the highest paradise, when you gazed into her soul. How could you…why would you…? You…murderer!”

So I’m the bad guy?! Again! What have I done again?!

“You told her that her mind is nothing but a drama queen…”

 

 

 

I found the image at: http://mariapleshkova.com/index.php?/albums/

Hey, little pigeon…

Tell me about the place you’re flying to, it must be so beautiful! You have the wings of an angel, my little friend…could they carry me over the blue horizons? I really miss the love now…

Come, sweet little pigeon, come closer to my heart, this story I’m about to tell is not for fragile souls! Innocent eyes…could they see inside me, would they forgive the light turned into darkness? I really want to believe now…

Precious little wonder, have you ever lost yourself into a blossomed garden? Mesmerized by the perfume of paradise, charmed by the rose’s smile in the gentle breeze…you just stay there, praying it’ll last forever. Were you ever in love?

Ever dancing with the golden rays that cradled your whispers? Ever kissing the traces of light when the sky is raining upon you with petals of gold? Ever feeling your heart bursting in million little pieces, all carrying a love you’d call eternal?

And if you ever knew this kind of light, and if you ever lived this kind of happiness, and if you ever loved this strong…

…what would you do if the blossomed flowers would die under the cruel gaze of a careless sun?

…if the garden of paradise would turn into dark and that’s not even a damnation you could fight with…it’s just…home…

…and if eternity is just an empty feeling, a hollowing pain of something so rare and precious, for ever lost…

What would you do, sweet little pigeon, with a love so deep and powerful, so secret and unfulfilled that it will eventually murder you?

Hey, little pigeon, where are you flying to? please stay…why is the light in you fading away, why is your brave heart weakening…is it me? Don’t…my angel…just don’t…

…don’t drink the salty water pouring from my eyes, sweet little bird, I never meant to be your poison…

 

 

I found the image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/59672763798557691/activity/tried