6 years ago…

I can feel his hesitation, even if his face remains in the darkness. From all the confessions he heard today, mine took him by surprise. Because no matter what I’d do, someone will get hurt.

She should have been the sister I never had. Our children were supposed to play together and we imagined ourselves sharing beautiful memories over the years. When have I started to feel so suffocated? When was the first time I avoided her? What was her first mean word? How did we build this wall so thick, so unbreakable?

People change, not always in better. Sometimes the little voices in our minds, telling us that we’re not good enough, just grow into monsters, destroying lives and friendships. And maybe my best friend was, all this time, just a hurt child, searching for confirmations. And me…

-Does this relationship helps you grow spiritually? Or emotionally? Do you feel a better person around this friend of yours?

– …

-Then you have your answer…

today

He keeps talking even if I stopped listening long time ago. I saw in him my best friend, he saw in me a mirror. Reflecting his mask of perfection.

-…so, I told her that there’s no way we’re going together if she doesn’t change her attitude. And, guess what? It really worked! So, next time, I wont even try to play nicely! Want to see what she said? I’m sending you her messages…

-No, don’t.

-Why???

-Because there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…

-What? Wait, someone’s calling me!

-It wont take long. I’m going to ask you something. About these messages, I need you to stop contacting me.

-Really? Well, as you wish. But why?

-Because we’re not really communicating. You talk and I listen, I don’t feel like you’d even care about…

-LOL

-Why are you laughing?

-Because you, women…Look, I’ll tell you what’s happening. You like me. I knew it all the time. So, you’re jealous and you can’t stand it anymore…

And I actually considered him my best friend…So how could I be so wrong? Again…I find myself in the same situation, encouraging toxic friendships.

So, I’m sitting here…looking into my soul. I see them, the voices that kept me from wanting more, from being more. I also see an inner strength I never knew I have. And a special light…

Love…because loving and accepting ourselves is the first step into accepting the others without judging.

And even if your smile has traces of tears, it’s still better than a happy ever-after mask…

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