I am an only child. My mother told me, so many times, that giving birth to me was so traumatizing, that she simply refused to even consider having another child.
I never had a pet, never even dared to ask for a puppy or a kitten. How could I have done it, when they didn’t even had time to breath…with my guitar class and my other passions.
I lived up to my parents expectations and I made them proud. I thought this is love. So, when I didn’t felt loved, I simply knew it’s my own fault.
Guilt can cut into someone’s soul just like a blade. It leaves behind a bleeding heart. It changes the meaning of words. Kindness becomes weakness, honesty becomes a foolish option, freedom becomes impossible.
Until one day…when someone’s words changed my destiny.
“You ask why…you keep asking why. Why, God, why do You give more to him/to her than you’re giving me? Why, when I’m a good person, maybe even better than he/she is? Why, when I pray more often, when I give more to charity, when I live a much moral and decent life? Why, when I’m following all the rules! He has more, she’s more happy…You keep answering to everyone’s prayers except from mines! So, why?”
I let my tears fall down my cheeks. He seemed to look straight into my eyes and continued.
“The answer is so simple: Love. We shouldn’t measure our faith in the quantity of prayers or money given to charity. But in Love. Our Love for one another. Our Love for ourselves. When you ask why…you’re always finding a guilty one. It’s you, your brother or sister, or maybe God. But there’s always someone to blame. And guilt is not Love.”
I don’t remember the rest of his words. I only knew that a beautiful feeling invaded my soul…
My two daughters know that their births were the happiest moments in my life. That’s the truth.
We have a puppy and a kitten. And a lizard, but that’s a whole different story 🙂
My expectations regarding my girls is for them to live a happy, fulfilled life. To follow their dreams, to love and to be loved.
And yes, maybe I’m compensating, but I’m also healing at the same time.
Because when you stop searching for someone to blame, then guilt is replaced by love. And then, with tears in your starry eyes, you’ll say the magic words:
I AM LOVED.