I’ll use my imagination now…let’s pretend that no one is reading this. So I can talk about the dark side. Depression. Masked depression. My dark side.
Easter was beautiful as always, with family by my side. It was amazing to see those sparks of joy in my girls eyes in the Easter’s morning. I felt enlightened, loved, embraced. Then, everything collapsed.
It started 4 years ago. Or could it be 5? I can’t even remember, but it feels like I’m struggling with these clouds since…forever. Negative thoughts, a deep feeling of loneliness (which I’m still feeling) and something new. A new thought, a new inner voice that tells me that no one needs me. And it’s illogical and dramatic at the same time.
In the outside, everything is normal. I smile, I talk to people, I make myself pretty every morning before going to work, I play with my children, I clean the house, I cook…no one would even imagine…And, all this time, I’m fighting an unseen enemy.
I keep repeating, like a mantra, that I need to be strong for the girls. They don’t have to carry this burden. Not for me, not with me. I keep repeating that they need me. And it helps…for a while.
At the end of a day like this, I cry. And I pray. I feel God closer in moments like this. The next day I wake up with an easy heart. But darkness feels so close…
And yesterday someone asked for my help. She was feeling helpless and lonely, so I did my best to help her understand and re-discover the light. A light that was always in her soul, she just forgot it’s there. She was smiling at the end of the session and, as she walked out of the door, she turned around and told me that she admires me so much…
Because she sees peace of heart in my eyes. And in my smile…there is no trace of sadness or anger. And, just being around me, her own burden becomes lighter.
I thanked her and told her that, what she sees in me is just a reflection of the light in her own heart and an expression of her inner beauty.
The feeling of being brought to my knees. And it’s okay…strangely, when my knees are touching the ground, I can see the sky closer.