Remember to focus. The sensation seems real, but it’s just an illusion…you’re not really suffocating…

I kept repeating the words like a mantra, praying that it wont happen again. Not here, not in public. For the second time this week, the feeling of losing control, of being helpless became overwhelming. Fourteen years ago, I was so sure that I’ll never have a panic attack. Never again. I was marrying the man I loved…

And now, here I am, almost running through the park, trying to remember how to control them. The second panic attack this week…

This time it was a fight over nothing. I can’t remember why were we fighting for…And suddenly I started to suffocate. He asked me if I’m okay, I told him I can’t breath…He looked at me and told me in a very calm voice “But you can…I see you breathing.” 

So I just left. I just ran…

You have a good man at home. And such a lovely family…

I turned around and I saw her. This nice old lady who never asked for anything more than my attention. She stopped me so many times before, trying to talk about…all and nothing at the same time. Loneliness, that’s her problem and it’s slowly killing her. That’s how she said. So I turned around and my sunglasses felt, exposing the redness around my eyes.

-You cried…Oh…

-No…it’s an…allergy…I’m allergic to the…to these flowers…

My dear, I know these kind of allergies…

-I’m really okay, you know…just one of those days…

I’m even smiling…and, to be more convincing, I show her a picture with my little girl in her favorite dress. Hugging her big sister. I even try to make a joke about how they’re always posing as best friends…

And I’m suddenly realizing. I’m always posing…The happy family. Loving wife. Devoted mother. Always in control of every single step…

Not today. Today my heart becomes a wild beast, in a desperate need to destroy the appearances. Today I hate him. Today I find him guilty of killing our love. Today I’m running away from panic attacks, far away from the golden cage where my loneliness is slowly killing me.

-I’ll tell you something, but please don’t feel offended…I see it in your eyes, you’re about to make a mistake. Just like I did. Life is cruel, you know? It wont give you another chance. And the one you want is not always the one your heart needs…

My cell was buzzing so I excused myself and she gracefully said goodbye.

-You’re finally answering, I was worried…where are you?

-I needed some fresh air, I was suffocating…

-You cried…

-A little…

-I’m sorry…I’m here if you want…

-You know, I don’t really know what I want right now. But my heart needs a little time. Because loving you was never that painful…

 

 

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