Can you take me to a safe place…once again? 

I looked at her bruised face, trying to remember. This girl with big, scared eyes. Looking for a way to escape an abusive relationship…I saw these eyes before, I saw these tears…long, long time ago. It was the winter of 1989…

The cold, dark street was the last place where a nine year old should have been…Still, I was there, clinging to my mother’s arm. Begging her to take me home. Caught between the angry crowd fighting against communism and the armed soldiers. No place to run, no way back…

I was told to stop crying and to be brave. No one would hurt us, we did nothing wrong. But their guns were loaded. Someone pushed me and I fell down on the frozen street. People were shouting louder and louder. Screams and the sound of shootings.

Find a refuge, a shelter. The church…the big church…They took their children in their arms and ran to the church. Then I saw her. Lost from her parents, crying so loud, bruised. I can’t remember if it was my idea or if my parents told me…but I held her tiny hand tight and she stopped crying.

And I can’t remember when or why I started to run in the opposite direction. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I remember a voice telling me that church is not a safe place…

We found her parents that way. And we found salvation. The big church closed its gates in front of the scared people. They found no shelter, no refuge. The blood of the innocents on the stairs of the church…

-You probably don’t remember me, I was only 7 back then…You told me that we’re warriors and warriors don’t cry. I idealized you in my childhood memories. You were the big sister I never had, the friend who’d never let me down, the role model…Then I found you on Facebook and I saw that you became a psychologist. And this gave me the courage…

-I do remember you, little warrior. The bravest child…I was shaking like a leaf, trying to be brave because my mother told me so, but in the inside…

-You do remember! You were my hero…

-A hero…we were just children, caught in the wrong time of history, in the worst place possible. Having no choice but to save our lives. Regardless of the traumas and the nightmares after…

-I still have nightmares…I dream that I’m falling and I can’t stop…How did you overcome the trauma? What’s the secret? Therapy? Faith? Love?

-Maybe all of them…Or, maybe, I simply refused to let myself be defined by my traumas.

I just wear my scars, day after day, knowing that if I get scared…if I get lost…

A heavenly voice will calm me and take me to a safe place.

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Now that you are falling…

  1. I usually don’t read long posts. I read the first line and skip the rest but in this case, the title attracted me & then each line pushed me to read the next.
    That’s the power of your blog. It really touched.

    Liked by 1 person

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