Not against you. Never against you…

He held my hands in his and I could sense the guilt in his voice…but his piercing blue eyes had something harsh…like a long lost warrior, finally coming home…

Do you remember? I do…

14 years ago…

This is a nightmare and it’s going to end very, very soon. Don’t faint…control your breathing…it’s not the moment…for a panic attack. Their waiting for me…to say something. It’s just playing. Pure improvisation. We’re actors and this is an optional school class. Remember? Your choice, to keep your scholarship…And now you’re supposed to play yourself, ten years from now. Get yourself together!

-I always loved you, Claudia…it took me ten years to admit it…and to be brave enough to confess my love to you…Do you feel the same? You’re so silent…just leave me this hope…don’t say a word, just let me show you how beautiful and magical can be this world…The world outside your golden cage…

I have to say something…why can’t I? What’s wrong with me? Ryan is only acting. Oh! My! God! My fiancee is in the audience…and the lights are on me…please God…make this stop!

I turned white, like a ghost, I know it…where? where are we going? Are we leaving the stage? Will I ever wake up?

-A glass of water, she’s losing conscience! Breath, please breath…what have I done?!? You know it was just acting, right? I didn’t meant…

I can’t stop crying…his shirt smells like musk…and his fingers through my hair…I cried on his shirt and people will see…and my mascara…no, don’t…don’t stop…your lips…this sweet pressure…I’m falling…

present days

-It took me more than ten years to come to you…to tell you how sorry I am. I took advantage of your vulnerability. A real man, a man of honor never does this.

-Look, we were both kids. How old were we? 20…21…? And I was oversensitive. I froze, don’t even remember how everything ended…

-I kissed you…right there, behind the scene. I had no right, but…you were so sweet, so sad and lonely, so desperate…so I kissed you like I knew he’ll never kiss you…Then I heard the sound of steps…people were coming…I didn’t wanted to expose you even more than I did…

-Yes…my fiancee was among the people. We almost broke up that evening…but…as you can see…

-Are you happy? Please don’t look down, it’s just a simple question.

I have the family I always wanted. I should be happy…

-I’m sorry to hear, I really hoped it was going to be different for you.

-I’m happy…

-Yeah, right. Then why I see traces of tears in your eyes? Why are you blocking every feeling, every emotion? Why don’t you stop me right now, when I’m about to take you in my arms and to never let you go?

-I don’t know. I swear, Ry…I wish I knew what’s wrong with me…

-Fourteen years. That’s what’s wrong with you. I told myself that it was better, that I was acting in your interest…Know what? These were only excuses. I was afraid to fight for you. I ran away. That’s what’s wrong…

If you were afraid, then…just let it be. Because when you’re in a war against your own feelings, you’re always loosing. So, just let it be peace. And let it be love. For the one who never ran away…

 

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9 thoughts on “I never meant to start a war…

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