“The real reason why you’re here. Tell me the truth. Your secrets, the ones that no creature here on earth knows. Not even yourself because they’re too dark.”

I felt cold shivers running down my spine. A sensation of weakness and fear. But I have no real reason to be afraid…it’s not the first time I’m visiting someone at a mental hospital. Still…

Somehow, I knew. I tried to find the best polite way of saying no. But he asked me with tears in his eyes…”She’s my niece. Imagine that…a priest’s niece practicing witchcraft…invoking spirits. The doctors calls it psychosis. I’d say it’s a spiritual sickness…it started with a loss of faith. Talk to her, as a psychologist, but also as a child of God…because that’s what you are.”

So, here I am, with this awkward feeling that something is wrong. Something in her eyes. How can I give her comfort? How will I help? When I’m so fearful…

She’s grabbing my hand, starring at my palm.

“Okay, beautiful. Time to reveal. Two parallel lifelines. Two lives. Two men. Both are far away. One, in your real life, is very close to you, but distant in spirit. The other, too far to ever touch you. But with you every day, every moment. He knows your heart better than the other one. And you love the both. And you have no one.”

I’m aware of the tremble in my hands. And I know that any attempt of mine to create an image of self control is now doomed. So I decide to let her speak her truths. “How do you know? Is this perhaps a part of your story too?” She laughs.

How do I know…hmmm, let’s see…are the leaves green? Do they turn yellow before dying? Does she cry every fall, in secret, because she can’t stand the loss? Does she dance every spring when they’re born again? And she asks me how do I know…And I know more…You need to chose…that’s what you keep telling yourself in your crying hours.”

The weakness in my knees becomes obvious and I need to sit. To look deep in those dark eyes of her, to search for a little light, any light…

But I’m offering you a deal. It’s free. You can have them both. The two loves of your parallel lives, both crazily in love with you. They will never know. No costs, beautiful. Say yes, it’s a limited offer.”

Why was I send here in the first place? I can’t help her…only…oh, how small is my faith! “My Lord, here am I, feeling weak and helpless. Please be my strength when darkness is too deep for me to find my way. And guide me to Light. Let my spoken words be a testimony of your majesty. Please help me, I need YOU!”

I’m holding her hand and I smile at her. I tell her in a gentle voice that I’m here as her friend. To remind her that she’s not alone in this struggle. And she can still overcome this torment…She shuts down. No reaction, no word. So I help her lay in the hospital bed and I’m preparing to leave.

This voice is so different from what I heard before…a fragile, broken voice, childlike, crying, calling for help.

“Please don’t leave me, I don’t want to be here. I want to be where is not so dark, so painfully dark. I gave it all away so easily. My soul. It’s blind and lost. I am lost. I see things in my mind and they say I’m crazy. They are!

They are not aware of the DANGER. The terrible danger of losing faith.”

She falls in (what it seems to be) a deep sleep. And I know it’s going to be a long battle to bring her back home. But I also know she’s not alone. Not anymore.

 

 

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19 thoughts on “The costs of losing faith…

  1. Each of your posts has been so vivid for me lately. I don’t always know how to respond, other than to simply say thank you. I feel the words to my core, many things I can deeply relate to. Sadness does come to me, because I seem to associate with the darker sides of things though. Maybe that is why I have fought so hard to work towards what I am becoming! To help others heal in some way… Great work Claudia!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sometimes, looking for a brief moment into the darkness of the abyss, makes us appreciate light so much more. It happened to me…and I believe with all my heart that we can shine bright in other people’s life only after we faced our own fear and insecurities.
      You are one of the people I admire the most here and I see a long and beautiful path ahead of you. God bless you in all the wonderful things you’ll do!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your kind words!! I appreciate it more than you know. I would like to become better acquaintances outside of WordPress, if that’s alright…either via email, or Facebook, or both. Your work is certainly what has triggered the most response for me… God speed to you. .

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, I’m honored! I’m a great admirer of your wonderful blog and every time I read your articles I feel inspired and touched.
      Your message brightened my heart and I have no words to express how grateful and blessed I feel knowing you read my post!
      Blessings,
      Claudia

      Like

      1. How sweet of you to say that. This piece was really well written and I was on the edge of my seat all the way through. Is it a true story?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, it is a real story, only some details are modified to protect the protagonists. And the translation to English is more or less accurate. I had my doubts about writing it, but I believe that some things are meant to be told.

        Liked by 1 person

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