“You have no faith, none! You don’t know our Holy Bible, you’re immature, selfish and self-centered! And not even now, in our last days…because, hear me out, these are the last days…so, not even now, you’re not willing to repent! May God have mercy on your soul!”
15 years ago…
I leave the church in tears and, as proud as I am, as stubborn as I am, there is a shadow of doubt…what if he’s right? What if this is who I am? What if I’m unlovable because I’m immature and selfish and self-centered.
My mind is starting to recite, by heart, all of my sins. The huge one, the capital one, the one that made me run frightened…what was it? The relics of Saint Anthony were still there…I didn’t touched them. I didn’t worshiped them…I refused to stay in that line of people, all waiting. What for? If I didn’t felt it in my heart? Why would I do the ritual?
My feet are hurting, but my heart is in pain and my eyes are burning. He was one of the people I admired the most. He’ll never tell me the words, never again…
“You are special.”
Here I am, paying the price for this illusion. My illusion or his illusion?
“Admit it, you have a crush on him.”
Someone told me and I denied it in such an aggressive way…But still, here I am, my feet are carrying me back to the church. The church where I met him. The church where we prayed together. The church where I fell…No, I did not fell in love! And here I am, waiting on that line. Willing to do whatever it takes. Even if I don’t…believe…?
I’m 22 but I act like I were 12…that’s how blind I became. He’s my age, but he seems more mature with his faith, his philosophies of life, his untamed trust…And I keep disappointing him. I hate this, I hate waiting on that line…
The relics of Saint Anthony are still there, looking back at me. I imagine that the Saint knows what’s in my heart and I’m starting to cry. HE saw me. He saw me waiting on that line! He comes to me with the most beautiful smile I ever saw.
“See, little one…it’s not that hard to believe. To recognize the weakness of your soul. The lack of love and faith…”.
The lack of love? My soul is on fire and this is more devastating than the flames of hell itself. The Saint looks back at me with an encouraging smile. Go ahead, child, tell him!
And I do…God, I do it!
“You have no love, none! You don’t know your own heart, how would you know mine! And you never truly understood our Holy Bible! And not even now, in our last moments together…because yes, these are my last words addressed to you…not even now, you’re not willing to open your heart. And your eyes! So, goodbye.”
I stumble on my way out of the church. And I remember and I almost yell at him.
“And I loved you! You…may God have mercy on your soul, because I really did loved you!”
And I run away, fast, very fast…running out of this circle of victimizing myself. I never look back…maybe once or twice, when I need to remember…
that Faith is all about love, forgiveness and tolerance.
About understanding at a deep level how One’s sacrifice saved our world once.
And only our LOVE could save it once again.