Sitting on the edge of my bed, he took my hand and looked into my eyes. With love, a love I wouldn’t expected. Anger, resentment, harsh words…I was ready to face them all. But love…how do I handle this love? Where do I hide its light when the darkness inside me is calling me to deny it?
How will I explain this compassion, this gentleness, this great forgiveness to my hardened, rocky heart? That knows nothing but bitterness…
And this voice, the song of all songs…
-What pushed you so far away from me? When and how have I lost you…? When all I did was waiting here, like a beggar, for just a little sign that you’re willing to open your heart…
The guilt was building inside me like a dark flame. He wiped away my salty tears. I tried to say “I’m sorry” but he stopped me.
-Don’t…I know your heart better than you know yourself. You want to leave and you are free to do it. You said I’m the one to blame. I wasn’t there. I didn’t listened to your crying. I didn’t cared…Oh, if you only knew how deeply it hurts. Don’t look down…look into your heart.
And I’m looking…
I see myself falling and I see him…lifting me up.
I see myself tired and I see him…carrying me home.
I see myself in the middle of a nightmare and I see him…holding me tight when I sleep, chasing away the shadows around me.
I see myself betraying him…and he’s in pain.
I see myself hurting him, shouting at him, hating him and I see…his love growing.
-And now, look into my eyes. This is the promise I’m making. This is why I came for you.
His love, his protection, his ever lasting light. And I can’t…I want to run so I wouldn’t face this guilt anymore. But my feet hurts, everything hurts and I fall. He holds me once again and my lips can’t move, but my heart is speaking out in pain.
“I am sorry…I am so deeply sorry…please forgive me…and never stop loving me.”
-Do you know who I am?
“You’re my Lord, Jesus Christ.”
-Do you love me?
“I love you. I’d die for you, my Lord”
–Then live for me.
My head is hurting from crying myself to sleep again. It’s 4 am and the raging storm is howling in the darkness. I look at the pills and I remember the miracle. With trembling hands I empty the small bottle into the trash. And with a trembling voice I speak into the darkness.
There’s no way back now, Lord. I will live for you.