His fingers were warm and their gentle pressure on my lips made my heart race. The smell of tobacco filled my lungs, a sweet intoxicating scent, making me painfully aware that I’m on foreign territory.

He wanted me to stop. His simple question needed an honest answer, but all I was able to offer were my pathetic attempts to explain, to make excuses, to make a fool out of myself…And he was right, I needed to stop.

“Why are you here?”

He repeated the question with an almost childlike curiosity. His fingers were slowly lowering the pressure and I was relieved…I took a deep breath. His eyes were glowing in the darkness…the eyes of a predator. My lips were burning, the absence of his touch became unbearable.

“I’m here because…I needed a place to escape.”

He came closer and the anticipation made my knees tremble. If he were a hunter, I’d probably had no chance…is he a hunter? Am I his prey? A sudden move and our fingers crossed. My wedding ring was burning on my finger. The circle of trust…

“Does he love you?”

“He thinks he does.”

I whispered the words so desperately that the pain became physical. The wall behind me was cold…If I’d say one more word…The fire in his eyes burned my exposed soul. He knew how to read me and he knew I can’t lie…And it seemed to be enough…

“But you need more. And you know better, isn’t it?”

I looked down, trying hard not to cry. Not to be the lonely child, the lost little girl, the broken one. He let go of my hands and I covered my face. This stranger. This room. This darkness. This emptiness inside me. I wasn’t ready to face them all…

“I just…want him to…make me feel like…”

He made me look into his eyes. His deep dark eyes, filled with empty promises. Or maybe…had I just seen the reflection of my own heart? He cupped my face so there was no where to run. No place to look away…

Then he laughed. A bitter laugh.

“A woman’s greatest desire is to feel desired. That simple. You hide behind words but all you really need is to feel like you’re the only one for him.”

He wiped away my tears so tenderly, so slowly, like all the tension before was just a mask. To protect himself from more heartache. To protect me from my own self destructive decisions.

“So maybe it’s time for you to go home and to tell him how you really feel.”

“Who are you?”

“Just consider me…your conscience. Or better…your guardian angel tonight. Just for tonight.”

So I’m leaving the chat room and I’m closing my laptop.

And tonight, for the first time, I’m not looking at my life with anger, resentment, fear or sadness. I remember our best moments and I hope…

I hope to see the light in our sunset…

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7 thoughts on “Tonight, for the first time…

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