“Can I cry a little in your arms? And then, I promise…I will tell you everything. Every little detail of my haunting nightmares.”

I’m in the train, looking at the window, contemplating a devastated world. Everything turned into ruins. I wonder if that’s the end of the world and I feel like crying. But I wear a brave smile. My children are with me and my little one is holding me so tight. I will be brave for them…

Dust and stones everywhere outside. The train itself looks like it has been hit by a grenade. People in the train are tired and defeated. Some are hurt, but no one complains. No one cries. We’re all silent, a silence that makes me tremble inside. My little girl is playing silently and I want to believe she’s safe…

It all happened in a second. She jumped from the train and I followed her. The silence was broken. I heard a very clear voice. “Let her go, save yourself. If you jump from that train, you’re not safe anymore.” It was a matter of choice and I choosed. 

We’re walking on that field that once was green…People are lying down, my girls are asking me if they’re dead. “Yes, they’re probably dead.” We’re not scared, we’re not sad, we’re not cold anymore. What I feel is beyond any human emotion. Is a void, a deep, dark void. I’m passing along the dead bodies.

This woman, I know her eyes. She just turned and grabbed my arm. “I thought you’re dead.” I hear myself saying the words and I still can’t feel anything. She looks deep into my eyes. 

“Here is the place where the living ones are waiting to die. You just take your place. Do nothing, feel nothing. In time, you’ll believe you’re dead and you’ll act like it. It is so easy, just lay there and wait…”

I see my place among the others. I go there with robotic moves and I lie on the floor. I cover my body with a white sheet. I try to feel nothing and I feel everything. I’m cold, I’m afraid, I’m sad, I’m horrified. I’m suffocating. I’m alive.

And I wake up crying.

He holds me so tight and it feels warm and safe. “Oh, baby…I’m so sorry…I love you and still…I allowed your inner world to become a devastated place. The war between us, my love…this silent war between our hearts…you, making heartbreaking choices…”

He kisses me like he didn’t kissed me for years. And I just cry. He’s wiping away my tears and whispers soft words in my ear. He tells me it will be okay, we will be okay. And I feel I was given a second chance. I am alive. I am right where I belong. He’s still the love of my life.

“Your love is the most precious gift…to hold you, to make love to you, to feel the soft touch of your skin on mine…this is a dream, baby.”

A cruel light is violently pulling me out of his warm, loving arms. I’m back on the train, I’m cold and I know this dream. I know it by heart. And all I can do is to make the choice. To wear a brave smile. To pray that I’ll break out this circle. Knowing that his loving arms wont be there waiting…

And I wake up crying.

 

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3 thoughts on “And nobody knows it but me…

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