Maybe outside the air will be easier to breath. Maybe if I move slowly, no one will notice. Maybe if I wear these sun glasses, my eyes wont be able to betray my tormented soul. Maybe…

I was right, wasn’t I? I left the church with slow moves, so no one saw…I wore the sun glasses so that I’d look perfectly calm and…in peace. And I found these stairs, right here, behind the big entrance. No one would find me here…I can finally find some rest. But…

Is there any rest for the restless?

-I hope there is, ’cause, like it or not, we’re all a bit restless. Especially today. Want some?

He was offering me a doughnut with such a warm and friendly voice, like we would had been friends for years. I tried to ignore him, hating myself for this bad habit of saying it out loud. My inner conversations…

-So, you’re a runaway, just like myself, aren’t you? I saw you running out of the church. Gracefully, indeed…but you still need to work on your moves…that door made a terrible noise…So, let’s hear your story. And, please, I already saw the tears, just take off the glasses…

I still ignore him but I try to figure out…he’s too clean and decently dressed to be a homeless…And he has this attitude, like he knows me…but I feel such a good vibe, like I’m completely safe. Yeah, right…safe…

-Okay, I’ll start then, since you’re so quiet…The bishop’s voice is always making me sleepy. Well, today…I was too hungry to sleep and the doughnuts were getting cold. Are you sure you don’t want one?

I smile. I don’t want to, I’m afraid I’m encouraging him, but I can’t stop smiling. And I take off the sun glasses.

-Oh, my God! Look at your eyes. Greener than green. Are they always like this when you cry, or does it happen only in old churches?

-Only when I’m torn apart. And when the darkness wins. 

How could I? I just…spoke the words, exactly the words in my mind. I mean…I never spoke so honestly…What’s wrong with me?

-Well, Light won too many times, right? It was about time to let a little room for the darkness. So, how is it when darkness wins?

-Horrible! I look around me and everyone has more. And I hate them. More love, more care, more attention, more…everything. More than I’ll ever have! 

-Brrrr…that sounds awful. Are you sure you don’t want a doughnut? I have more than I need. Upsss…I have more! Can you believe how insensitive I just have been?

He sounds so childlike, so funny, so incredibly innocent. I laugh through tears.

I think I’ll go home. Thanks for offering me your doughnuts…

-You are home. And you are loved. Look above…you have the Heaven’s love. Everyone there is sending you love. Every day. An angel is watching over you permanently with complete care and attention. Saints are praying for your heart to be healed. And when you cry, you are held and cradled by heavenly arms.

And THIS. This is all yours. The fresh air, the cold rivers, the restless sea, the calming rain, the earth was created for you. So you can enjoy your every step into this journey.

I look above…I was so wrong. Forgive me…

And you are forgiven even before saying the words. Even before feeling the regret. That’s how much you are loved.

-Wait…who are you? How do you know…

I’ll never know. But HE knows and now I will say it out loud.

Darkness never won.

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15 thoughts on “Heavenly bound

  1. The very idea of having a conversation with Him is so…intimidating to me. I feel like darkness has won so much in life….but, in my heart – I know, He will always forgive me. Even if other humans never will. And ultimately, that needs to be ok. He has graced us with so much that we sadly overlook, and take for granted. We don’t do it intentionally, but we get so caught up in the materialistic world that the rest just passes us by. We are ALL guilty of it. And yet, He is there….every day, ready and waiting to take any one of us into His arms and welcome us back to the fold. My friend, your writing is so intense….so meaningful…. that it makes me want to wrap you in the warmest healing hug possible. I feel like you are lost in a world that is somehow trying to drown you. And I pray that one day at a time you will find the strength and determination to rise above it all. You have much to offer the world around you!!!! ❤ ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for being a guiding light for me every time I feel like drowning into the darkness…I mention your name in my every day conversations with Him, with a feeling of deep gratitude for your friendship. This gift is the best reminder that darkness never truly wins, no matter how much we distance ourselves from the light.
      Healing hugs for you too, my dear Sharon (they really work) ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Always remember, I am here for you!! Your writings often stir feelings and emotions in me, that awaken my need to help pull you from whatever darkness you are in at the moment. Email me anytime you need to talk….. Becoming friends with you has been one of the best things that’s come to me from starting this blogging process. I know there is a huge time difference between us…. but I will always respond to anything as soon as I see it!!! ❤ Always hugging you with prayer…

        Liked by 1 person

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