You saw yourself through my eyes and you loved it…that image of a strong, loving, bright, handsome man. You saw the hero in you…and you wanted more with every moment…

I was always afraid, you know? Afraid that I’ll say the wrong things, afraid that I’m not good enough. I was wrong. It wasn’t about me, not a single moment. It was all about the fragility of our love. A castle build on quicksand…

And you were honest from the very beginning. “I need to be needed.” I ignored your words, just like I ignored everything that didn’t fit on my perfect picture of the perfect love…

A hopeless love. Falling in and falling out our own fantasies. I needed you, just like you wanted…But our precious moments faded into banality and the fantasy was broken. And it broke my heart along with it.

Please remember our last moment. Please…don’t ever forget what tore us apart. I need you to remember while I need to forget. The touch of your cold hand and your eyes…hungrily searching deep into my soul…and you found…nothing.

“Where once was love, now is just an empty place. And I don’t know what to do. Please, help me…” -my words-

(love me…

hold me…

tell me that you really care…

want me…

fight for us!)

But you just looked away.

And I gave up on us.

“WOW. No faith. Absolutely no faith at all.” -your words-

And these words exactly killed the remains of our broken fantasy. Along with my heart. You know…you had every right to blame me. I took away my love. I asked for more when you thought you gave me all of you (you were wrong). I wanted to be about us…more than about you. You had every right to blame me…

But…you had NO RIGHT to talk about faith. Something so precious…on your lips it sounded like a blasphemy. And I blame you for that.

So I took my murdered love along with the faith you claimed you never witnessed in me.

I raised my head and I walked in dignity.

And you desperately followed me. You turned my head so you would look into my eyes for one last time. And you thought (how naive) you’ll see The hero. The savior. The powerful. The wise, strong, handsome and bright.

Oh no…not this time.

This time we’ll face reality, my love. Look. Come on, I dare you. Look deep. See who you are. Face the truth,

my beloved Shadow.

P.S. You’ll never read this letter and I couldn’t care less. I’m burning these memories and I’m facing the light. Be well and be careful…another shadow may need you to need it…

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3 thoughts on “I’m burning down my shadows…

  1. The shadow of who we need to see always come back to bite us. It allows us to live so precariously, in a sea of false hopes built on shadows. The act of writing the letters, and then burning them….to some degree brings a peace to us….if you write the words with all the honesty in your heart. Lay everything out!! When we don’t receive what we need with relationships, it begins to leave our souls feeling so empty…until finally we become the hollow shadow behind the eyes. The eyes are no longer a window to the soul, as there is nothing there to see.

    Your posts always leave me with a head full of thoughts my friend. I pray that your life, your soul….never becomes the hollowness that is often reflected…. though, I fear that you are almost there. While we may sometimes have to give up on the love, especially when it takes such a toll…..we should never give up on ourselves, or the potential that this is a stepping stone in our lives. We need to experience this hurt, this loss…. to know exactly what we DO want. My arms are around you, offering healing hugs my friend…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, my dear friend. This darkness I was experiencing lately seems to be over…I don’t really know what happen, there simply isn’t a rational reason…but I experienced so much negativity, fear, anger, dark emotions. Maybe I needed this in order to settle down, to clearify my mind and to live, not only survive, again.
      About this post…it happened that I’ve searched for light and guidance in the wrong place and I found myself trapped in a toxic emotional relationship. I got out…knowing now for sure that we’re never imune to falling…And I’m more vulnerable than I ever imagined.
      So I’m focusing and I’m searching for healing where I should have from the beginning: my family and my comunity. It was a hard lesson for me to learn…but I am back ☺
      Your healing energy, your prayers, your thoughts, your hug…there are no words to express the gratitude for having you in my life! Just…Be blessed and shine your bright light upon many, many troubled hearts out there..

      Like

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