I want to be sixteen again.

A perfect summer evening, long time ago…

-You tricked me, you know? I really believed when you said you’re not feeling well…

I was trying to sound upset, but the smile on his face was melting any resistance…so I smiled back…

This is how I wanna die…lying in your arms, with the sky above me and the green grass under my body. And I want it to be a clear passing…no fighting, no hesitation…I would just embrace the peaceful sensation of dark…as long as you’re holding me.

I covered his mouth with my palm. I wasn’t ready…he suddenly stood up, pulling me close to him.

What if I kiss you now? There’s no one around us so you can pretend it never happen…

-You know our agreement…

Yeah…but that would be a secondary benefit. Anyway it’s not working. Your parents are not freaking out about you dating a bad guy. You’re not getting their attention…so, why not?

-Because…

I’m going to kiss you…

I turned away and I felt the panic building up inside me.

-Don’t do it. If we’ll ever be in love -for real- I think I would let you kiss me…but not now…

Okay, cutie…look, I was only joking. I mean…it’s nice to play and all, but I wouldn’t hurt you. We’re playing our parts. You get the bad guy, older, experienced and dangerous so your parents would be scared enough and start listen to what you have to say…Me…I get the nice, decent girl, so my parents would give me access to their credit card…after all, I’m on the right path.

-Why do you hate them so much?

Well…I hate yours because they neglected you. I hate mine because money is all they have to offer. I hate parents generally…and I love to see yours freaking out, thinking I’m seducing their precious little girl…

He spoke about hate, but all I saw in his eyes was a deep sadness. I desperately wanted to make him smile.

-Hey…why don’t we get married? My parents would go mad about it, while yours…would pay for a really nice honeymoon…somewhere in Bahamas…

He laughed and I was relieved to see the sparks in his eyes…

So you want in Bahamas? What else? A castle maybe?

-That would be nice too…and a few kids running in the backyard…and a garden full of roses…

Stooopppp…I can’t take it!!! Too much sweetness!!! 

The wind was playing through my hair and I imagined for a moment…that this is real. It would be a perfect summer evening…if he and I…

I don’t want to have children. End of story. I would marry you and I would do it because of you. Honestly. The problem is that you want that type of life I hate the most!

-I want a family, that’s all I want…

Well, sweetie, then that’s you should have…I want to travel the world, I want to spend my nights drinking in clubs with my friends, I want to taste this life…to live it to the fullest!

I looked down…my dreams were so different…a family build on love, commitment and respect…a community where people smile to each other…a peaceful place…

I love you.

-What?

I do, that’s why…I play. I keep you away, I discourage you, I make you feel like you don’t belong into my world…One day, when you’ll have that family you dream of, you’ll understand…

I want to be sixteen again. And I want him to be 22 again.

I want to say “I love you too” instead of looking away.

I want that kiss we never shared.

I want…

I want him to be alive.

Today I’m sad and I pretend I don’t know why. I pretend I’m tired, I read too much and that’s why my eyes have traces of tears…

Six months ago, on march 21, he died.

And I was just thinking…I lost too many people. It’s like I’ve been to war my whole life. And I want him to see…

We both made our dreams come true. We both lived the lives we wanted. I’m still here. Where is he?

And I want to be sixteen again. Just for today.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “I wanna die lying in your arms…

  1. What a vivid scenario. To see the two totally different views, and understand them both. The regrets of the unknown steps taken, but ultimately the paths taken were the ones meant to be. To believe in the fairy tale ending where we can go back and change time…we all struggle with that from time to time. Holding on to those dreams can be a good distraction at times, but too often it allows us to remain stagnant in the pain of missed opportunities. We must continue forward, and find the peace that lies beyond the sadness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you…my heart needed to write about this memory. I hope and pray that he didn’t had regrets about the path we never walked on…and I also hope he knows, from up above, that he still lives in my heart. As for me, I find every day new reasons to celebrate life! One of these reasons is your friendship, along with all the wonderful people I’ve met on my path. Be blessed!

      Liked by 1 person

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