And we’re doing it so gracefully, so naturally, so easily…

He’s listening with a distant smile on his face and I know he’s thinking of something else. I know he didn’t really understood a single word I said. So I just repress the tears, the crying voice, the pleading heart. There’s no time for vulnerability. My fragility doesn’t stand a chance with him. He needs me to be strong…

He’s sipping from his glass of whisky. The second, the third…I stopped counting them. His eyes are starring somewhere in the thin air, at some invisible ghost. I’m thinking I’m a ghost too…if I die right here, right now, he wont notice me dying…And the thought is suffocating me. No, not another moment of weakness. He likes me when I’m strong…

I’m holding the pillow in my arms, creating an armor. He’s browsing through his IPhone and I see colors and drawings on the screen. The little red circle, pointing out that he has a new message, makes him feel uncomfortable. I don’t want him to delete it. I wont read. He locks his cellphone with so many secret codes, but there’s really no need to. I’m not insecure, how would I be? He loves to see me strong…

The glass of whisky in one hand, the cellphone in the other. A little dizzy, a little confused. He’s going to lay down in our bedroom. His fingers will touch that cold screen. His eyes will gaze into the ceiling. He will call me eventually, alarmed by my silence. He’ll ask me if I’m upset and I’ll deny it again. He’ll pretend that he didn’t noticed my tears. I’m not crying for love these days. I’m not childish or foolish…After all, he asked me to be strong…

And that’s how we destroy love. That simple. That painful. That easy.

“What do you mean you can’t sleep? Again? Just take a sleeping pill. Or two. Do you want to be tired tomorrow?”

No, I just want to be loved. Today. See…I’m vulnerable and fragile, weak and insecure, childish and foolish. Just like you. Let’s not fix each other.Β 

Because (silly me) I’m still in love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “We destroy the love…

  1. Oh my dear sweet friend. The pain that radiates from this is so intense!!! Why must we pretend to be the strong one, while they even ignore our very presence. The support that should be there is forever gone you know. They cannot even begin to comprehend the pain and sorrow in our hearts. There is nothing childish about wanting to be loved and honestly supported. Those around you will see the despair, you won’t be able to hide it forever. We do so much for the sake of our family, our children, even for the simple fact that it is expected of us. But at what point do we, ourselves, matter? If we Hold in all that toxic emotion, it will create a hole in our soul that nothing will be able to fill.

    I pray that faith will lead to honest answers, and that repairs are not just one sided. Both must be willing and able to correct what they can so that the other feels secure. Healing hugs to you my friend….always!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My dearest friend, thank you with all my heart and soul…I think that, sometimes, I just need to get in touch with this pain, to taste it, to stay there for a while…some wounds are from deep within the past and the people around us just touch them unintentionally. And it hurts, yes. Still, in the sunshine, the sweet golden light from above and from around me seem is starting to repair and to heal the broken parts.
      Thank you for the light you’re sending on my way! And thank you for being a messager of hope and love.
      My arms and my heart will always be open for you!

      Liked by 1 person

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