She’s never smiling in my dreams. Never in peace, never joyful, never serene. And her eyes are deeper than I remember, with a silent pain inside their green. We look so much alike. Only that I’m here and she’s an angel. But…aren’t angels supposed to be happy?
I dreamed of her again and, this time, she was wearing a wedding dress and white flowers on her forehead. She spoke no word, just looked at me with so much sadness. And we just stood there, separated by a thin line…
I miss you. I see it now, I see the resemblance. It’s beyond the physical traits. And I am sorry I did not see it before…
The perfect romantic, searching for a prince on a white horse. That’s how my parents described her at first. She found him and she ran away…and the description became darker, meaner…
“Don’t you ever say this again! What’s there to admire? Do you want to be like her? A slut? She should be ashamed!”
She was. Ashamed for being abandoned by the one she loved. Ashamed for not fitting in such a rigidly moral family. Ashamed for not knowing more, for not being more.
I am ashamed now. I listened to their words instead of my inner voice. I thought I’m better…but I was only lonelier and sadder than you’ll ever be.
“What friendship? Do you really think she cares for you? She cares only for herself.”
But she did cared…enough to tell me that there’s a new life waiting for me. There, beside her, with her helping me through every new step. She cared. And I ignored her, smiling and saying a polite thank you.
I know you saw me struggling. What a sweet generosity, your open arms! What a beautiful way of telling me that love still exists…
I rarely dream of her and, even if I do, the dream is always the same. I never hear the words meant to set me free. Will I ever be forgiven?
Lay beside me, just one more time. We look like sisters, can you see? I was blinded by their hate. They said I’m better. They asked me to criticize and to judge you. They took the warmth in my heart and replaced it with a cold, dark superiority. That’s what they’ve done. That’s what I’ve done.
In the memory of my beloved friend, Iddy, gone too soon, two years ago.