“She has the saddest blue eyes I’ve ever seen…but I’ve seen them before and I don’t know where…”

My thoughts were interrupted by the harsh sound of a slammed door. The smell of disinfectant solution filled the air. The nurse leaned over me (“she refuses to press charges…next time he’ll kill her…”) and her whispered words brought shivers down my spine. The girl in front of me was too young to die…

She looked at me with her piercing blue eyes and I suddenly remembered…

june 2003

My first interview for the job of my dreams. I’m wearing my short white dress…Decent, yet sweet, almost covering my knees, creating a nice illusion that my legs are longer than they actually are (I read this on the Internet!). First time on heels because I need to look smart and sexy, young and enthusiast, but very sure of myself and in control of my own emotions (this I read it too on that amazing site!).

How…what…I was walking and now…

I don’t remember falling, but the pain is real. I hear a child crying…my God! Is the child alright? I feel something warm and wet on my left leg and I’m afraid to open my eyes…

I’m dreaming…I will wake up and I’ll get ready for this interview…I will get the job…

The first color I see when I open my eyes is red. And I cry. Someone’s touching my hair, caressing it, wiping away my tears and it feels so safe. Then the pain, again…

“These heels should be forbidden. You’re very lucky, the cut on the leg is not deep and I was able to stop the bleeding.” I open my eyes to the gentle sound of his voice. An angel?

“Hi”

He smiles at me.

“Hey, angels aren’t supposed to wear such high heels. And where were you rushing like that?”

He called me “an angel” and he’s holding my hand. He tells me that he’s a doctor and I’m lucky he was walking on that part of the town. His little girl wanted ice cream and they saw me…

“Now, look into my eyes. I need to disinfect the wound and you need to stay very calm. This wont hurt at all, I swear.”

He lied. The burning sensation is so intense…He’s asking me where was I going (to distract me from the pain) and, through tears, I tell him about the job of my dreams, about how my parents tried to stop me, how they’re always controlling my life…I’m sure I’m being ridiculous, but he pretends to be interested.

“I actually think that control is a good thing for someone so delicate like yourself. You’re very young and inexperienced, so it’s normal to rebel. In time, with the proper guidance…”

I pull away. (“You lied. It hurts terribly and I missed my interview. I’m sorry I took your time…”)

He laughs.

“It was my pleasure to help you. I want to see you again. Tomorrow. You can have a coffee while I’m checking your leg.”

I still hear a child crying. A little girl with the saddest blue eyes and a red trace on her cheek. And I remember…I remember her laughing when I fell. I remember the sound of his hand slapping the face of that little girl. I remember her crying in pain and the words he said…

And I run away. I run from my guilt, I run from this man, I run from her sad blue eyes.

The young girl in front of me has the saddest blue eyes I ever saw. And her bruises and cuts can’t hide her beauty.  I gently touch her hand and she pulls away.

“I don’t want to press charges…I love him and, in his way, he loves me too.”

“I believe he does…but his way of loving you it’s hurting you, it’s causing you pain. It’s killing you. Love comes in many ways, in many forms…what kind of love are you dreaming of?”

“I just…I just want this pain to stop. Will it always hurt like this?”

“No…time heals…the pain gets smaller till it wont hurt at all. As long as you’re alive, as long as we fight together to find the real you. The strong and beautiful woman who deserves tenderness and respect.”

I lied. Time never truly heals…It just makes us stronger. And braver. To go beyond the pain, the hurt, the brokenness inside.

To find a love that never hurts, never breaks, never kills.

 

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24 thoughts on “This wont hurt, I swear…

  1. Love should never hurt….not like that! That is not love….but pure control. Yet, the more the hurts come, as does that control….and it seems that there is no getting away. The spirit becomes so broken, that she no longer believes that there is any other way. Ironically, for some – the verbal manipulations are as severe and damaging as the physical lashes. It truly breaks my heart when I head of control such as that. But, deep down, that is because while I swore no hand would ever be raised toward me in order to hurt me, I allowed words to cut me even deeper than the knife would have gone. Time doesn’t heal things…I used to believe that it did. I needed to believe that it did. I pray that clarity and peace come for the ‘she’ in the post….the road to becoming whole is a very bumpy and trying road. But, strength will come….and at some point I still keep hoping that it carries us beyond the memories…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re right, of course, controlling and manipulating someone is the opposite of loving them. It’s a form of abuse…During my years of volunteering for abused women I met so many girls who defined love in terms of control and abuse. She is one of the survivors. And she was so desperately defending him and their “love” because it simply was the only love she ever knew. I wanted to tell this story, my tribute and my way of bringing more awarness on this delicate subject. Let’s pray that no one else and never again… ❤

      Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, my dearest Sharon! I remember how my parents used to tell me…my mom always said that if someone lays a finger on me, he’s going to jail. And my dad always contradicted her “he wont make it to jail, believe me…” 😊 One of their rarest moments when they made me feel very secure and protected. I wanted to share this with you, just felt it like this ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That is how parents should be about their children!! Always willing to protect! Hearing such comments like your parents’ is why I always had the mentality that I would NEVER allow someone to lay a hand on me to harm…. Sadly, I never thought twice about someone’s words doing the very same…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes…unfortunately, moments like this one were less than I would have wanted. And words do create scars…Be blessed, my dear friend, may the words of love and healing find their way to the deepest wounds of your heart!

        Liked by 2 people

    1. My dear friend, my heart aches knowing you’re going through this…You deserve so much more! Love is supposed to gives us freedom, to create a safe place for us to be ourselves…and your beautiful heart needs to feel protected and treasured…not controlled. You are stronger than you imagine. I can sense it from your writings, there’s a courage inside you that only needs to be allowed to express. My prayers for your loving heart, to rise above the pain and to discover how true love really feels!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thankyou for your prayers claudia…yes i do have a lot of courage within me and i do understand that i deserve better. But somewhere I’m stuck maybe blindfolded in love. But from my past failed relationships I realised that every relationship requires to compromise (I may be wrong) This relationship has given me a lot of positive and good memories but for some reason now its become an abusive one..

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I empathize with you in many ways and I know how hard it is to let it go…but when pain becomes stronger than love, when you’re compromising your own values and you slowly start to forget how it was meant to be, how you imagined yourself in this love…then there’s really no other choice…choose yourself if no one else does…A warm hug for you, my brave friend.

        Liked by 1 person

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