I’m ignoring them. The voices in my head, the prejudices, the rigid rules, the “should be” and “shouldn’t be” and I run to him. With an open heart. I need to stop this torment in my heart, this continue search and calling. Even if it means that I’m going to break some boundaries.

Hi, remember me? The impolite one? The one who pretended that she doesn’t know you. I want to apologize. And to invite you to a coffee.

I’m all blushed and agitated and he looks at me slightly amused. I’m lost in his eyes once again. Dark circles around them…He hides a soft toy and I pretend I didn’t noticed.

“Hi…you have nothing to apologize for. I was awkward. And you, so sweet and kind, you…don’t ever call yourself impolite. Not because of me, okay? Now, you were saying something about a coffee?”

I want to make him smile…I need to know what’s this sadness in his eyes and replace it with brightness. He’s quiet and he stars again at my little crucifix.

Do you like it? I can give it to you, I have more than enough at home. I got them from a medieval church and…

“Please don’t.”

He said it so abruptly leaving me no place to ask or to comment. There’s a shadow upon my heart and I feel cold. I feel the need to hide away the little crucifix. To run away…

“I scared you…I didn’t meant to sound so…harsh. I guess I forgot how to act around…women. Well, that sounded awkward as hell…”

Christian…can I ask you something?

He nods.

Can I hold your hand? 

I’m being stupid. My heart jumps out of my chest and my fingers are trembling. He smiles at me, and he takes my hand into his palms.

“I…from all people…I’m the last you should spend time with. I’m not a good influence, I can’t bring anything good in your life. I only destroy. What I touch dies and my love is a cursed one.”

I feel the crucifix burning my skin. (Run. Run now.)

I know…I’m here just to hold your hand. We’re strangers but somehow I trust you and your smile makes me happy…somehow…”

“You trust me?”

Yes.

“Show me.”

How?

“Follow me to the end of the world.”

And, just like that, he stands, takes my hand and we’re going…I don’t know where.

(Run away. Run now. You don’t know him. He could be a criminal.)

He suggested to take his car and I froze. I actually said nothing, but I must have looked so terrified…”Okay…no car then…but is freezing cold…” I’m trembling. He puts his arm around my shoulders and asks me if I’m alright. And I…(Run!)

I’m alright…

“I swear I’m not a serial killer…sweet girl”

He called me “sweet girl” and, along with his playful smile…it melts my heart.

“Okay, we’re almost there.”

Where?

“To the end of the world.”

I see a cemetery and I panic. The place is pretty isolated and, as we’re walking right in, I just wish…I wish I’d be home, with my family…I look at him and I see…

Tears…

“I have no right…to drag you…into this…I’ll take you home.”

NO.

“No?”

You said…to the end of the world. 

(Ask him to take you home now! You’re insane! Stupid! You deserve whatever…!)

We stop at a small grave. A small pink grave where he’s gently placing the soft toy. He’s caressing the small cross whispering something through tears.

So many pink toys, flowers, messages…And two bright eyes watching me from a picture. A little girl. His. And I stop breathing. My heart hurts like never before. I want to say something, anything and I can’t.

“This is the end of my world.”

I’m crying and he takes me in his arms.

“Thank you for being here. Thank you for trusting me. I’ll take you home now…I’m not good…for you…I have no light in my life…nothing…only darkness. Can you see it now?”

I touch his face, wiping away his tears.

I’m here for you. And if you feel you have no light…just take my hand. Follow me back to life…would you? Let me be your light…

 

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9 thoughts on “When you have no light to guide you…

  1. Beautiful!!! To trust your instinct, seeing beyond the possibilities of walking off with him….to be able to allow him to share this deepest, saddest piece of his life. I cannot even imagine the feelings associated with having to bury your child….. but I can certainly see how one might consider it the end of the world. Because in so many ways – for them it is. But, offering to help him back to the light….. is the most courageous thing you could have done. I pray that he does allow you to help him. Despite even the worst of tragedies, to even see ourselves as evil, etc…..that needs to be healed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My dear friend, so nice that you’re back! Thank you so much for your words…I want to help him, but at the same time I wonder if I’m the right person. To be there for him without turning it into romance, without having to lie, to sneak around, to feel these mixed emotions. It’s funny how life puts us in these situations. A lesson for me…to help without getting in over my head…And yes, I want him to see the light!
      Blessings upon you, my dearest friend!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah yes, that can be a very thin line my friend. When trying to help others, I have found that as the healer, we can stay carry such an array of emotions, whether we intend to or not. God has reasons for putting such tasks in our path though…He has a serious lesson for you to learn…..and you will shine though!!!

        Liked by 1 person

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