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Who would have known that perfection can be so devastating? 

I didn’t understood her words. Whispered words, like talking to herself. In my own world, the main rule was surviving. And that didn’t included analyzing someone’s perfect life. None of my business…

She laughed.

I’m being silly, right? But today was the happiest day of my life. I guess I’m allowed to play a little. Wanna see my happy smile?

I mumbled something. A sort of yes and no at the same time. I couldn’t care less for her happiest day. Good for her! Rule number two: if they’re happy, let them be.

She smiled with bright, glorious eyes.

It’s not like every day you’re winning a beauty pageant, right? Imagine a huge stage and, when they called my name, all eyes were on me! I never felt so…Hey, let me show you the crown!

I looked at her trying to show just a little enthusiasm. I couldn’t. Half-smile from half-heart. The rest of me was frozen. “You have inner beauty, that’s more important than being pretty.” That’s what my dad said when I asked him if I’m beautiful. I hated him. Rule number three: If you can’t say something nice, keep the silence. So, I’ll be silent…

She sighted.

I felt like I’m in top of the world! You know the feeling? Have you ever felt like you rule the world? 

I excused myself, saying that I’m in such a hurry…In fact, I never knew the feeling. I was always like a falling leaf, carried by a wicked wind…Rule number four: Don’t speak about what you don’t know!

She wiped away an imaginary tear.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t feel so tired. I was there, on the stage and I had this crazy sensation like I need air. Like something was suffocating me, but it was…from inside of me. And I felt like crying and people believed they’re tears of joy…

Yeah, probably…(Rule number five: be polite but don’t be nosy. Stay away if it’s none of your business.)

…and they started to applaud. And I felt…lost. What could it be? Am I catching a cold? Oops…the elevator is here! Gotta fly like a pretty butterfly to the seventh floor! See you upstairs…hey, do you know you have amazing eyes? You could be a beauty queen yourself! 

She ran away so fast that I couldn’t say thank you. She said I have amazing eyes! And she said I could be a beauty queen! And I knew, right then, right there…The feeling. This is how it feels when you rule the world. A fifteen years old world!

A few hours later I was writing in the diary. The daily post. Entitled “I had the feeling that I’m ruling the world!”. I was just writing an inspirational ending when I heard a knock on my closed door.

With trembling hands, all pale and crying, my mother asked me to “don’t look down”

“down?”

“down the balcony…they found her…what’s left of her anyway.”

“her?”

“you know her…the girl from the seventh floor…it looks like she jumped.”

“jumped?”

“just…please don’t look down. It’s a terrible sight…I can’t understand…she just won another beauty pageant…”

“beauty?”

“oh, you’re in shock…actually, is not that shocking…she tried before, with pills, but her mother said it’s just…teenage moods…it seems that she was depressed…”

“depressed?”

“please stop repeating the words. Yes, she was diagnosed with depression…but a very tricky form, because she was always happy and smiling and laughing around here…okay, go back to your home works or whatever were you doing…”

Rule number…

No. The Absolute Rule, cancelling all the rules ever made up by human minds:

Listen to the desperate call of the lost butterflies. Love them. Don’t let them walk alone when they’re so close to the edge. Love them again. Say it a thousand times and say it out loud. 

So they would ask for help before it’s too late…

 

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2 thoughts on “That was when I ruled the world…

  1. What a pivotal post! Knowing how I am, I would feel some sense of guilt for having not given her the time she was obviously seeking. At the same time, we cannot hold onto that guilt. It is not ours to own. All we can do is pray that her soul found peace in the after life. Too often we don’t see beyond the false façade that people show to the world. Even the biggest, brightest smile can hide the most broken soul.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you ❤️ It took all the faith and inner strength to even begin to forgive myself. I was 15 when it happen and, in a way, it changed my life. My inability of saying no…my difficulties in establishing healthy boundaries…my tendency of getting involved over my head…this is one of the sources. But I understood in my heart that she only reached out to me because she saw in me a reflexion of her own depression…Hugs and blessings, dearest friend!

    Like

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