He was waiting for me by the lake, but I couldn’t look into his eyes. The early spring surrounding us had a special kind of glow. He knew I’m looking for this spring ever since I know myself…
“It just wasn’t meant for me…”
I said it so many times, in so many ways and now, that my time has passed, I just realized that it was always possible. But I have chosen winter instead of gentle warmth.
The lake was never that calm and blue and the waters are deeper than ever. I see my image reflected in it, just like a mirror.
“I’m too broken to love…”
I felt it so many times that it became a part of me. The poetic self, the blue heart, the rivers of tears, it was so beautiful to meditate, to write and to cry over my sadness. Over my loneliness. And I never seemed to choose happiness.
“But I was here all the time.”
Yes, he was. Indeed, he always cared, even when I stopped carrying about myself. And now he’s looking at me, inside me. Does he contemplate the struggle and the hurt? Does he see a terrible, frozen, stoned heart – the heart of a woman who never learned to give herself to love?
“All I see is a beautiful child, who imprisoned herself, for no real reason at all, behind bitterness and resentments. And I am sorry. I did it all to open your eyes…I protected you till sacrifice, I treasured you like a miracle that you are. I gave you everything and I loved you more than I loved Heaven.”
From where I’m standing I cannot see the bottom of the lake. I cannot feel the depth of his sadness. Every time I hurt myself, he feels a pain thousand times sharper than my own. And I hurt myself every day, every hour, even now…
“When you say you’re not worthy of love…”
“When you say you don’t want this life anymore…”
“When you say you have no one…”
He is right in every way! And if an endless abyss would open at my feet, it still wouldn’t be enough for me to hide my eyes. My guilty, teary, hopeless eyes…
“Don’t hide from me anymore, I will always love you. It’s not supposed to hurt, my child…Love it’s supposed to be beautiful. To flow freely like the blue waters. Rise up in love and look into my eyes…
Do you see ME now?”
I do and I recognize you, my Savior and my Lord. My Healer and my Love.
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