1696e5ff-98cb-470e-8d98-d7ce15c398b6Inappropriate, inadequate and immoral. Those were my thoughts when I saw him laughing and joking at the funeral. Of course I didn’t said anything, neither did the others, it would have been so impolite. I know, yes, I know…laughing in front of a tragedy is a defensive mechanism. Even so…

And it’s a tragedy when a young man dies, leaving behind a beautiful wife, a child, parents, grandparents and so many friends. He wasn’t a friend of mine, I didn’t even knew him, but my husband did. That’s why I’m here. Surrounded by grieving people and this man that laughs of anything…

It’s my party so I’ll laugh if I want to…

He’s singing now, looking straight at me, no doubt about it. I’m cold, I’m tired, I’m sad…and a stranger is singing to me in front of a crowd.

He’s touching my hair and that’s too much.

I don’t think I know you.

-Oh really? You don’t think you know me! Well, you don’t. Let’s keep it this way, shall we?

Too late. Hey, do you know the wife? Isn’t she a hottie?

-Please show some respect. She’s grieving…

She’ll live and she’ll love again. So will you.

-What???

He’s taking my hand and I go with him, like hypnotized. Away from the crying people. Away from the pain and loss. He looks deep into my eyes and I feel he knows my deepest thoughts.

You will live and love again. If you only allow yourself to get out of this tomb. If only you stop analyzing everything in terms of “mistakes”.

Just think about…

“It is a mistake that he’s laughing and making jokes at a funeral.”

“It is a mistake that he’s singing in front of the crying people.”

“Oh, what a mistake, to call the grieving wife…a hottie!”

“It’s a mistake that I’m so restless and I keep searching for love in all the wrong places.”

“Wait…isn’t it a mistake that I’m talking to this guy?”

A million mistakes and not a single ray of light! Not a single word of love! Phew, what a shame!

I want to shout at him and I want to cry…I want to ask him how does he know about me? What kind of a creature of darkness has told him my most secret doubts?

Darkness is when you repress the light inside you. When you chose not to share it, not to let it shine. That’s darkness, that’s evil…

I think I see regret in his eyes. A sweet nostalgia, like longing for something he’ll never have. Or is it me? Is it my heart the one that longs for an old forgotten love?

Unaware of her light, she builds prisons, higher and stronger, to imprison her heart…When will you change the story? 

He smiles at me, waving goodbye.

And, for the first time, I cry at his funeral.

 

 

 

 

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17 thoughts on “Unaware of her light

  1. Such powerful words. Darkness is a unyielding force…making us locus on those mistakes, on the injustices…We truly must learn to not judge everything as a mistake….because in that most simple of judgements, it opens us up to the powers of that darkness. We then become what we so desperately don’t want to be, and don’t want used against us. I used to not understand that, and honestly it was through these very words here that it actually came forth. The darkness does hypnotize us, as it longs to pull us as far from the light as it can. It wants us to turn like it….cold, and manipulative…but that golden heart of your will shine through. Never a soul shall depict your sadness, your yearnings, unless you choose to share it. Never shall our own eyes deceive us among the strangers. We must find the ways to break those prison walls my friend….so that we truly can find the happiness that we claim to seek. We must stop hiding behind those walls….Your light will shine through…you will find your strength to fight that darkness… I believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, my wonderful Sharon, your words have truly reached to my heart. These past days were a little difficult and I got lost, a few times, in old memories, fears and sadnesses of the past. Healing can be like walking through a labyrinth sometimes, some roads lead to nowhere and it takes strength to go back and try a different path. You are a lighthouse to me, a symbol of inner strength and hope. Thank you for helping me find a way out of every one of my labyrinths!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m not real sure where all of my words truly came from this morning…but something in you post today stirred me to action…and by doing so- maybe it is our parallel lives, but as you helped me…I then helped you! I believe that will always be our cycle my friend. And that is perfectly ok with me. My lifetime in darkness, sticking to the hidden corners and shadows with my voice…your very words broke through the walls I had around my voice! May love & light reach you always!! Warmest hugs to you!!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Actually your post before this one also has something that needs to be… how can I say… interpreted in a particular way… or maybe this is just the way it “spoke” to me… you have a very sensitive soul that cast a particular look on the world very your own one…

        Liked by 2 people

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