165aTVpzTXGMXu1azUdy_IMG_8468He took my hand, it was frozen. His lips on my fingers made it better. The pain was gone, so were my questions, as I decided to simply live the moment. To have this affair, to be his. No self blaming, no harsh judgement, no rules this time. We’re not in love…

Promise me…

I nodded, knowing for sure that I’d promise anything and I’d follow this promise to the end of the world. Mesmerized by his burning eyes undressing me, I gave him the key and I became his willing prisoner in this game of desire.

Promise me you wont leave while I’m bringing you a cup of hot tea. 

I tried to smile, but my sadness made it impossible. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, while his eyes never left mines, not even for a second. Almost like a secret, invisible bond, created between us, was meant to keep me there. A strong force that’s becoming so fragile day after day, killed by frustration and resentment. But tonight, we’re just a woman and a man in the flickering candles’s light.

Tell me you wont run away. Say that I’ll find you right here, swear that you wont disappear out in the darkness!

Where am I suppose to go? I whispered the words to myself, not truly trusting, not really believing in my own heart. I’m okay now, without knowing what’s beyond this night. That’s the closest to happiness I’ve been in years. I’m afraid to feel more, I don’t want to overthink his words, his touches, his warmth.

I already left him a thousand times in my mind.

And I came back a million times more. It’s not impossible when you’re in love. I escaped in my fantasies, I created parallel worlds, I played my own part and I invented a new role for him. So it’s easy for me to leave…

He took me in his arms, keeping me warm, tasting the orange flavor of the tea from my lips. I’m sure it’s a dream, I’m convinced that the morning bed will be just as empty, just as cold, just as lonely. I’ll judge myself for allowing myself to feel. I’ll blame myself for being weak and lost, for fantasizing about tenderness and passion.

Be mine tonight. 

And again, this bond between us gets stronger, brighter. His eyes are piercing my soul, his hands are re-discovering the woman in me. And I remember every word, every step, every year. A boy and a girl. A lifetime of love. Where is he? Who’s this stranger, pretending to break walls while he’s only breaking my heart?

I was wrong, time did not destroyed us. We did it ourselves.

I’m leaving him again tonight and he knows it. The boy I love got lost somewhere, on the old, dusty path of time. I’m going there.

To bring him back home.





All credits for the image go to https://unsplash.com/search/photos/love



5 thoughts on “I already left a thousand times…

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