sad-angel2

Maybe it was the voice of an angel, that inner voice I couldn’t ignore…Or, maybe, it was a part of my past I just couldn’t move on from, repeating the lines over and over again. My intentions were pure…

…so, here I am, with chocolate cookies, sandwiches and tea. And a blanket…

He’s sleeping on the same bench I saw him yesterday and he seems in peace, even smiling in his sleep. I imagine the moment when he’ll wake up and he’ll find the hot tea and the food. Will he blame this on the angels he’s drawing every day? Will he believe he’s still dreaming? Will his demons stop for just a moment, now that he has someone praying for him?

I come closer and tuck him in, the blanket is warm and smooth, will he dream of the perfect embrace? The scars I see on his hands and chest, self-inflicted wounds, some still fresh, senseless words…

“No” and “Not her” and “Stop” and something strange…the word “VOW” in big letters, with a date under it. Written above his heart.

He’s waking up, so I’d better leave. That’s what my reason is telling me, but, again, that inner voice…

His smile when he sees me standing there, with a cup of hot tea, simply takes away my fears. And I see his eyes now, they’re blue. Not dark, not deep, but blue like the stormy sky.

“You’re real? Not just in my head? Not just another hallucination?” 

He takes the tea, not knowing what to say, how to show gratitude. There’s no need to…I feel it, from heart to heart, beyond words. I did what I came for, now it’s time for me to leave.

“Please don’t leave me. Just…just tell me why.”

“Because I can only imagine how cold are the nights you spend here, on this bench. And I wanted to make your life a little easier, at least for this morning.”

“You know I hate liars. The truth, please.”

His words are harsh, he always did this, during my summer practice at the mental hospital. Asking me to go beyond the surface, to confront my hidden truths. Now, 16 years later and many, many scars…he learned to say “please”. And I’m still learning to stop lying to myself.

“Okay…I will tell you. See, in my darkest moments, when even faith seemed to fade away, no light at the horizon, I used to close my eyes. To imagine something. A perfect moment made of so many beautiful details…A glass of warm milk and chocolate cookies for breakfast…and a golden ray of light on my window…a gentle wind on my skin. Barefoot in an enchanted forest where the perfect music is played by humming birds…”

“And his love.”

“Yes…and his love.”

“But you never got that. So you’re creating perfect moments for the lost ones. Lonely little girl, if you only knew…”

“Tell me, I want to know.”

“My perfect moment is right here and now. It starts with a cup of hot tea and you, sitting on this bench…like we would be common people. A simple conversation or just listening to the birds singing, this is my perfect moment…”

“We can do this, we really can.”

“No…we can’t ignore the past. My crime. The pills I have to take, to keep the voices quiet. The constant struggle, the darkness, the scars…But, for just one moment, you made me dream of a perfect moment like this. Thank you.”

“There is a shelter where you can get help…even a job…maybe some friends…”

“NO!”

“I have my help, they’re around me always…even now. They tell me to send you away. They ask me to keep you safe.”

“I am safe, I trust in this light I’m seeing in you, it’s stronger than the darkness.”

I see tears in his eyes and I wish I could…I wish I could change things. For him, for me, for all the lost ones…

“I told you then and I’m telling you again. I cannot give you peace! Not now…not while I walk through the darkest darkness. But I can save your life. And I will!”

And he’s throwing all the food on the muddy ground. And starts to scream and to destroy his canvas. “Leave me alone! Leave! Officer! Someone! She’s stealing my food! Police! I need help!”

And, while I’m trembling in shock and horror, he grabs my arm, whispering to my ear.

“You need to create those perfect moment in reality, not just in your head. Find your enchanted forest. Find love. You know I hate liars and you’re always lying!”

“I didn’t…”

“You said you trust the light when there is no light! Now run! You thief! Officer, she stole my food!”

I run and the wind is drying my tears stained face.

And, looking behind, from a safe distance, I see him curled up on the ground, crying, trying to save the chocolate cookies…

 

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “This perfect moment that I created in my mind…

  1. Heart wrenching, this reminds me of a moment with my family. My husband, daughter, and myself had friended a man named Tom. My daughter wanted him to have a sleeping bag and when she gave it to him he yelled and cursed and it made her cry! My husband asked the store clerk why he reacted so harshly. The police had just kicked him out of an abandoned shack where he had been sleeping for warmth. My husband gave him some cash and we left. We saw him once more at a store and my daughter rushed to buy him a chocolate bar for Christmas but when we got back he was being loaded into an ambulance. He was coughing and we were all crying. Never saw Tom again. Can’t help them all can we?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this amazing story, your daughter has a beautiful, generous heart, it’s an expression of the loving family she’s coming from.
      Sadly, the people who need our help the most, don’t know how to react or even how to ask for help. Years of rejection, abuse, humiliation have left them with deep scars. Normality, dignity and respect became empty words and it’s beyond our human powers to restore their broken lives. What we can do is to show them kindness, to look into their eyes and to see the human being, not the criminal, not the psychotic, not the homeless. It sounds naive and risky, I know 🙂 but ignorance is not an option.
      Many prayers and blessing upon you and your family, thank you for reading and carrying! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. you are preaching to the choir 😉 my husband, aka the criminal, asked me not to give directly to the homeless unless he is on the phone with me and can alert the police if there is trouble. I did do some things right in raising my daughter. She has a huge heart!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you with all my heart! I just read a few of your posts…you write amazingly, the emotions you express are so real and pure…it just touched my soul deeply. Thank you for following me, it’s an honor!

      Like

  2. A different point of view: On my travels to third world countries my companions and i came across many people who needed help. Two ladies in Kenya refused the food we offered and asked for money instead so we turned them away and gave the food to a man who lived on the street. To see his smile and know how grateful he was is something i will never forget. When I was in Bombay (now Mumbai) in India, we drove past the slums as we left the airport and as our taxi stopped 3 young ladies approached and held out their hands for money or food. As we had just landed in the country we had neither, we were told to ignore them but i couldn’t and wound down the window and reached out to hold their hands and smile as that was all i could think of to do. They gladly held my hands and smiled back, to know that such a simple gesture had cheered them up was very touching. Sometimes help doesn’t need to be much and sometimes should be for those who are grateful for it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a beautiful image, what a wonderful way of giving! The moment when you took the hands of those young women, you gave them more than money or food…you gave a little piece of your heart. That’s how you are: generous and amazing in everything you do! And you gave me so much through this comment because reading it was like letting the sun light back into my life. Be blessed! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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