DarkSideBeingLight-explodingI’m standing on the line, starring at the ceiling. Behind me, there’s a girl laughing and flirting on the phone, her perfume reminds me of summer. Her laugh reminds me of love and I would hide away, but I can’t. I’m forced to stay on the line, patiently waiting for my turn.

In front of me, two old ladies are sharing memories. One of them giggles, the other says something about the modern technology. They have sweet pictures on their phones. Playful smiles and sparkling eyes, a graduation and the first love. A tiara and a diploma, short glimpses in their lives.

And I shouldn’t be here. I should be flirting and laughing with the man I love. We should have breakfast in bed and he should be saying something ridiculously funny about last night. Terrible habit, to talk on my sleep, but I do say sweet words and I’m always cute in my helpless state of dreaming. That’s how he should say, for me to stop him with a kiss.

And I shouldn’t spy on people’s phones, pictures and lives. I should be having a coffee with my best friend, as a reminder of all the little promises we made. That we’ll be best friends one step beyond this world. That we’ll keep each other safe and sane. I failed.

So I’m standing here, on the line, starring at the ceiling and creating false memories. How it could be…What it…Should I…Why did it…

Come here…

That’s when I break down and cry, right here, in his arms. He’s holding me so tight, I can barely breath and this feels so good! I want to tell him about the wasted tears, about the long lost love that’s still haunting my every dream.

It’s okay, I know, I know…you’re safe now…

No, I’m not, but I’ll pretend to believe his lies. After all, life itself can be such a bitter disillusion and we were never friends. I thought I’m saving him, I believed I’m doing it in the name of God and faith and love. He imagined me as his angel, a carrier of the light he’ll never touch. So, in his anger, he destroyed every bridge and every bond.

He made his own choices and created his own way through the darkness. He grew wings of fire while my heart turned into ashes. We’ll never be free of each other, the darkness in him will always follow light. The light in me will always face a deadly attraction for shadows…

But here, crying in his arms, with the world outside slowly fading away, my heart is free to need him. So I whisper his name like a mantra…

Christian…It’s alright, baby…I’m back now…

 

 

I found the image at https://upliftconnect.com/being-light/

The title is inspired by Aura Dione’s song “Friends” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz8TAwJdxhQ

11 thoughts on “Free to need some help…

    1. Thank you with all my heart! Your kindness and sensibility created this “window” through time and space, so that you could see with the eyes of your soul. And this is an amazing gift! ❤️

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      1. Your very welcome I have a lot of meditations from guides to angels to help developing clairvoyance and opening chakras. There all on there, I will be trying to think of some more for new articles in the next few days. I love reading your material there heart felt and also very inspiring.

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  1. Moving words as always my friend. I hung onto the idea of holding the gaze elsewhere that accidentally peering into anyone else’s lives… To make up my own memories, is such a bittersweet thought. To think that a life can be so void of happiness….that we must pretend…. I felt all of your words dear one, but as normal, I seem to pick up on one aspect that resonates with me and my own life. Thank you for allowing me to feel so much through your words.

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    1. My dearest friend, I know what you mean…lately, I refused to use the words “what if…”, they create such a huge dissonance between what’s real and our imagination. Still, there’s one exception I’m willing to make: what if we’d create the happiness out of the smallest things. The smell of freshly baked bread, the colors of the fall, the sweet taste of a red apple. The warmth of an embrace… From an ocean away, I’m sending you this embrace, along with my trust that all your “what ifs” will find their place in your reality. 🙏😇❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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