e873e8ec2912c1db31d8311311a17b3a-d4p3kaoSo, what if I’d tell you that you’ll grow up to be completely and utterly alone? Surrounded by people, some calling you “friend”, some calling themselves “your family”, without you ever feeling any emotional bond…

What if you’d end up wearing such a thick mask, so that no one could guess what hides behind that painted smile of yours? And all your efforts will be in vain…one thick wall broken down, just to reveal another million walls behind it…

What if you’d never be capable to hug your mother, even in your highest distress…or hers? She’ll look at you with tears in her eyes and her pain will kill you inside…still, your arms will stay stiff and your body frozen…

What if you wouldn’t have any friends, because you left them, one by one, in fear and anguish that they’ll be the firsts to leave you? Just because your fear of being abandoned, as irrational and foolish as it may seem, is the only stable thing in your life…

What if some day the man who loved you once more than life itself, would call you “a monster”? You’d see the blood and the wounds, you’d see the pain and the defeat and you’d know you did this to him! You’d wish you were the wounded one, you’d wish you could attack and harm yourself, instead of him…

What if your body would suffer from hunger, thirst, pain, exhaustion, while you’re living a life of luxury? Oh, don’t say it’s impossible…if you starve yourself to death, trying to be thin when all you truly want is to be accepted…

What if you’d face, like a daily nightmare, the desperation of knowing that someone, somewhere, somehow, will see the darkness inside you? You’d look into your children’s eyes, praying you wont see any of the shadows that are consuming your soul…

What if you’d hate your best friend because you loved too much and was given so little? Love, hate, anger, kindness – all coexisting in the same being, at the same time – yours! You are insane, ill, sick and suicidal, but no one knows…

Right…what if you’d have one dream and only: to find the courage to make that deep cut, that jump, that fall…just because is too emotional exhausting to be yourself. And, by the way…who are you? What if you’d never find out?

What if one day you’d try to see your reflection and a demon will smile to you from the mirror?

Would you still want this existence?

Yes, my God of Mercy and Love, I would…Because I know YOU’ll be with me all the way…

Borderline Personality Disorder is NOT a death sentence. Please don’t turn it into one!

 

 

Image found via google images

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23 thoughts on “What if…(BPD awarness)

  1. There’s always the opposite side of the coin, opposite side of the world, opposite sex.
    What if you were told you were a lovely boy and would grow up to be really popular and have lots of friends and family, but that didn’t happen and you don’t know how to form an emotional bond with anyone.
    What if you had tried to show people the real you and were always used, abandoned and let down so you had to learn to wear and mask.
    What if you loved hugs from your mother but couldn’t give her one when she needed it the most. Now it’s too late.
    What if one by one all your, friends, girlfriends, family left you. You would never know why but now you feared being close to someone.
    What if your body learned to suffer from hunger, pain, thirst, and exhaustion as you gave everything you had to the ones you loved only to have them turn on you and leave you.
    What if you face depression daily, what if you’ve tried suicide but you’re not allowed to go to the other side yet. What if there are no childrens or any other eyes to look into, just your own.
    What if love, hate, anger, kindness, fear, courage and all the other emotions exist in you but you’ve never learned how to use them or control them properly.
    What if you look in the mirror and see an angel but you realise that it doesn’t matter what you see if nobody sees you.
    What if you don’t want this life, this existence but you have no choice, the Lord has told death to stay away from you.
    Everything opposite right from the start but when two opposites come together there is a perfect balance like day and night, sea and shore, north and south.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It is heart touching and heart breaking…everything you said. This world can be pretty cold and disappointing and love is often just a far away dream. I’m here for you, I’ll always remind you that every breath of air is a blessing! Even if it sounds too much of a cliche, I will always remind you that this world makes no sense without you in it!
      As for me, I have the answers I was looking for, I was praying for. How do I cope with them…that’s the real question.
      Many hugs for you, dearest one!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for caring so much. I’m glad you have found some answers, I just seem to find; more problems, more questions and myself slowly giving up on this life.

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  2. Hi Claudia , We all live in world with people who selfish they only think about themselves ,themselves only , We humans are social beings we try to find solace in family , friends, & other relationaships , We need to ask ourselves whether they love us as we love them ? Is a relationship worth it ? Most of the times we dont ask ourselves these important questions, We need dwell more on our a relationaships , friendships if its meaningful its worth it ,instead of having bad friends or relationships it better not have any .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this heartfelt comment, it made me reflect on so many things. Of course, everything you said is true and there’s a lot of wisdom is choosing the right relationships.
      The paradox is that we (human beings) need each other so much and, still, we are so eager to push each other away in anger and frustration.
      Thank you for being here, my friend, you surely brightened my day! 🙏❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Another well-written article my dear, yeah at times we hide behind fake smiles just to show people we are happy. But it does not always work does not matter how much you try to hide it from others. It is always the closest person to you who can see right through your walls and barriers.

    If anyone ever feels like this don’t let it eat you up however big your problem tells someone do not bottle it up. Honestly, as well for your well being try meditation, get out more in nature it makes a difference in your life it really does.

    Look forward to reading your next post and love and light blessings to all from the UK. Love and light Claudia

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you with all my heart! Your kindness means more than words can say and it touches me every time. Stay blessed, you’re in my heart and in my thoughts always! 😇❤️🙏

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    1. Thank you for everything you said and for reminding me how a small act of kindness can bring so much light. That’s what I did today…😇
      I’m reading your posts with interest, I love the latest ones! Something seems to have changed in your written voice, it became stronger and clearer, and that’s wonderful! A big hug for you, dear friend! 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The nurse said something similar this afternoon. Watching season 2 of Gotham now. Thanks for your kindness and comments on this. It has helped immensely.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m an INTJA on MBTI and I have emotions but I’m unable to “feel” for people. I think my personality intersects with some mental illnesses, but I hope not. I want to connect and understand people, but socializing drains me a lot. Right now, I have matured because my work requires me to interact and handle people.

    Thanks, beautiful post! 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I believe that every one of us has some personality traits that, in a certain context, due to certain stressors, take an accentuate form. And some of them are hidden, they camouflage deeper problems. For example, many years, my extremely high scores in tests that measure affection and care for others were hiding a deeper fear of being abandoned. As you can see, there are so many nuances.
      What’s truly important is to be able to use your traits as strengths or, at least, to cope with them. Remember that, the way you are, you’re already wonderful!
      Thank you for reading and for being here, it means a lot! 🙏❤️

      Like

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