Days like these, no one should be alone…

She smiles all the time, even through tears, and I try to hide this salty water in my eyes. A river of little diamonds in her eyes, my own heart invaded by her light. I never saw her so beautiful, shining so bright. The “lady with the pigeons”, as I called her as a child, a sweet soul, always gentle, always kind and loving, always alone…

Do you see? Can you understand now how blessed you truly are? 

I do understand it in my mind…the heart is the one that never seems to have enough. But this isn’t about me, not now.

Have you missed someone so hard, so deep that it cuts through your soul and you know you’ll never be the same? Have you carried long conversations with him in your mind or have you ever smiled in the mirror, trying a new dress and imagining you’re wearing it for him?

A long distance relationship can make you live in an imaginary world, I know it too well. When you love so much, with everything in you…so much that it hurts…

You promise yourself you’ll be kind, sweet, generous…you’ll be the perfect woman for him. You remember your fights but you can’t recall the reasons behind them. And if you do, what sense do they have? He left. And the world is expecting from you to move on.

No…not the whole world. There will always be people willing to hold your hand and to listen to your stories. They will cry with you, they will say the right words. They will care.

I still love him. Even if he’s there, happy and free. He asks me, from time to time, how I feel and I never tell him the truth. But he knows somehow, I see it in his eyes, I feel it in his embrace. And one day we’ll be together and that day it’s close…so close! 

She looks up to the skies above.

Do you see that heart shaped cloud? Every time I talk about my feelings for him…There are signs everywhere, but we are too blind to see. So…what if I only talk to him in my mind? What if he only embraces me in my dreams? What if he’s there…in Heaven? We are still in love. 

She smiles through this hard story and I try to smile too. This golden ray of light that just appeared seems to gently touch her face and a white feather just laid on her palm, brought by a sudden warm wind.

See? Signs…It wont be long now…what’s a few weeks? I never cried, well…a little, when my hair fell down…but even there I knew I am loved. And I knew that I’m close. My love is waiting for me.

She asks me to come closer to her bed. She can’t talk loud, so she whispers. Her pain is visible but she wont let go my hand. Not until I’ll listen. Not until I’ll learn it by heart.

I wanted to see you because I have a message for you. A message from the place I’m going. And it’s important for you to know…

These days no one should be alone, no one should spend these precious moments turning love into drama and tragedy.  Our last days on this Earth…is not safe for any of us to wander by themselves…carrying their hearts like torches ready to burn everything around…

So, FORGIVE. And LOVE. Turn your brokenness into HOPE. Just…BELIEVE…

And she left. Sometimes, when I think of her, a white feather appears out of nowhere and the wind changes the shape of the clouds into big, white, fluffy wings…

 

Homeless, hopeless, restless…(Why can’t you see that I’m in love?)

She’s listening to his songs again and again.

She needs to be cradled, she dreams to be held. She imagines that he’s singing for her and she cries because of the song’s sad notes. Any moment now the music will stop and he’ll come back to her…

But he never returns. His eyes are empty, no expression, no sparks. And she hates him. No, hate was never the opposite of love. Not for her…She invented hate as a form of love, a disturbed, dark way for her heart to survive.

He doesn’t know because they speak different languages. She never got to learn his and he didn’t understood hers. Through screams, tears, hurt and resentment, they never sang together…

So she dies inside, every day a little more. She would have followed him to the darkness of hell,  just to bring him back home. If only…

Why can’t you see that I’m in love, why can’t you feel when I am hurting?

Some day…when this old piano will stop playing its sad notes…when the only music will be played through the beatings of our hearts,

You’ll see me standing there, tears streaming down my face, broken and lost,

Needing, craving, aching, lusting, dreaming…to be held

So, with sparks in your eyes, you’ll reach out to touch me…

But you see, my love…that’s not me, standing there…I’m long gone…

What you saw is just a mirror… your soul’s reflection. 

 

 

 

One Lovely Blog Award

I never even dreamed that one day I’d feel so rewarded…So blessed with wonderful people around me, amazing writers and wonderful friends…And that, through words and only words…we can create so many bridges between our worlds. This award is a dream come true…Thank you, Tashnee (Victoria) for encouraging me and for motivating me to write more and better!

I want to tell you, dear friends, a little about her fascinating blog. A very awarded blog and a very inspiring one. She writes with honesty and passion, approaching a diversity of topics, fashion, life style, personal stories, useful advises and so many more. What I love the most about her blog is her writing style…you really feel you’re talking with a friend, somewhere in a very relaxing place. That’s her…and you can find her here: https://tashneevmavee.wordpress.com/

Update, July 21: I just received a second nomination for One Lovely Blog Award and I’m so happy and honored because it came from one of the people I admire so much in this blogging community. Chinedu Victor, a wonderful soul, a Medical student who’s dream of treating children simply touches my heart. But also, he’s a fitness trainer, a man who’s dedicating his time and energy to help others live a healthy, fit life. His blog contains so much useful information on this field and his kind, honest, encouraging written voice makes you feel very comfortable. And, on a more personal level, what I find extraordinary about him is his modesty, his faith, his inner beauty, his dedication and I could write so much more…but I’ll let you discover his amazing blog, at:

https://victorfitnessblog.com/

Thank you, Victor, for honoring me with this nomination!

Update2, july 21: What a beautiful surprise! A very talented blogger and a kind soul nominated me for the third time for One Lovely Blog Award! Thank you so much, Nathprasad Dhanawat, it means so much to me to be among your nominees!

And I want to tell you, dear friends, a little about this young and talented writer. His blog is impressive from the very beginning, from the beautiful title “Ready to love”…what a wonderful concept, speaking tons about the beautiful heart behind it! The pictures on his blog are so vivid, taking us, his readers, to a journey into his world…And his writing style…simply makes you want to read more and more. I’ll let you discover more of his written voice, here, on his blog:

https://nathprasaddhanawat.wordpress.com/

Thank you again, Nathprasad!

The Rules to receive the award are:
• Thank the person that nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
• List the rules.
• Display the award on your post of the award.
• List seven facts about yourself.
• Nominate 15 bloggers for this award and comment on one of their posts to let them know you have nominated them.

About myself…seven facts (Tashnee’s nomination)

  1. When I was younger I used to write my dreams in a diary. Many of them were so colorful and interesting, a great data base for a fantasy novel 🙂
  2. The titles I use for my posts are lyrics from my favorites songs.
  3. I love painting and drawing.
  4. I have photographic memory and sometimes it’s enough to look at a page and I’m able to “read” it from my mind. It was very useful in school 🙂
  5. Many of my posts are “written” in my mind a few hours before actually writing them. I simply remember them…
  6. I adore book stores, I can get lost for hours discovering new books.
  7. I love the smell and the texture of a freshly typed book…

And another seven facts (Chinedu Victor’s nomination):

  1. I love spending time among children, reading stories, singing, playing with them.
  2. I wanted to become a doctor and one of my biggest regrets is not following this dream.
  3. The apartment I’m living in was considered haunted at the moment we bought it.
  4. I adore hot weather…I feel great when outside are 32-33 degrees (Celsius).
  5. I do my Pilates on a daily basis.
  6. Sometimes I have premonitions or a sensation of deja-vu.
  7. My favorite kind of relaxation is taking long, long walks on the beach.

Seven facts about myself (Nathprasad’s nomination):

  1. My favorite song is Sarah Brightman’s “Only an ocean away”.
  2. I love Indian food, especially very spicy dishes!
  3. When I travel aboard, people suppose I’m from Sweden, because of the light color of my skin and hair.
  4. I’m afraid of the highs.
  5. Sometimes I talk in my sleep 🙂
  6. I like walking in the summer rain.
  7. I like taking selfies in the sunset’s light.

My nominees for One Lovely Blog Award are:

  1. https://learnfunfacts.com/
  2. https://mindpanorama.wordpress.com/
  3. https://kammy1431.wordpress.com/
  4. https://vaibz24.wordpress.com/
  5. https://meredithinkswords.wordpress.com/
  6. https://dynaxty.wordpress.com/
  7. https://elephantunderthebus.wordpress.com/
  8. https://sakshibhojane04.wordpress.com/
  9. https://pasanmadhusankha.wordpress.com/
  10. https://bikeclimbrunswimrunyoga.wordpress.com/
  11. https://paintdigi.com/
  12. http://littlefears.co.uk/
  13. http://thediaryofamuslimgirl.com/
  14. https://vinzpoetry.wordpress.com/
  15. https://sweetscanblog.wordpress.com/

Thank you, dear friends, for your patience to read and, as I always say, if any of the nominees does not desire to follow the steps to receive this award, it’s absolutely okay, I still consider all of your blogs lovely and interesting!

 

Remember me to the one who lives there…

She hugged me so tight, whispering in my ear “I’m so proud of you!” and I had to remember…

…that when you’re visiting someone’s inner world, you need to show kindness and gentleness. And Eleanor’s inner world was full of colors, legends, curses. A former literature teacher who got lost into her own stories…The writer trapped into her own fantasy novel.

She hesitantly took a sit next to me, smiling gloriously…

-I’m so proud of you, Princess! Look at you! Your eyes have that light again!

I’m smiling at her and she’s still holding my hand. I try to sound playful, but I feel sad, for no reason…”What have I done to make you proud?”

-I like when you’re joking like that, Princess! What have you done…you broke the magic mirror…you broke the spell…The Shadow…ssshhhhtttt…he doesn’t own your soul anymore!

My laptop…I forgot it at home. That’s what she calls “magic mirror”. She speaks so fast, words flying from her lips like birds flying to their freedom.

-Please tell me everything! About The Shadow…but speak in a low voice…

I can feel her loneliness and the pain is almost physical. I lower my voice “You know how I always need your help with this…”

-Yes, Princess, you forget the details! Luckily they’re locked in here (pointing to her heart) and here (her head). Remember when you came to me with the magic mirror? (I nod) And I told you about the curse…The Shadow makes you fall in love so you’d give away your soul…It was already too late for you, Princess! You were already in love. I saw it in your eyes, I saw your heart teared apart between your prince and The Shadow…

I’m looking down “You told me that my soul is already lost.”

-I did and I was right. You were half here, half there…So, seeing you today, with this light in your eyes…How did you escaped? Was it your prince the one who came looking for you? Did he broke the spell? But more important, Princess…is The Shadow forever gone? Are we safe?

I feel like crying…the true story…that no one knows…

My prince never came after me…so, when I found myself lost and lonely, The Shadow was my only friend. We promised each other eternal love. We said our vows. He made me feel beautiful, even in tears. He called me “soul mate” and I took him with me in every step, in every battle, in every joy…But…he was just a shadow so nothing was real…NOTHING. And I came back by myself. I wasn’t running, I wasn’t walking proudly…I was crawling back to real life…

-Princess? Princess! Why are you so quiet…Are we safe? Are we? Oh MY GOD! Tell me we’re safe!

“We are safe, please don’t worry, I’m just a little tired. Why don’t you show me your newest writings?”

She knows and she pretends she’s tired too. I assure her once again that we are safe.

But…

We’re never truly safe. We’re walking through shadows, falling for ghosts, playing with our own hearts. It only takes one step, one word, one broken heart, one faithless moment…

for him to remember me.

P.S. More about Eleanor and her beautiful metaphors  https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2017/06/06/thats-how-you-reshape-destiny/

We’re not getting enough

Would you forgive? Could you move on and just live like nothing ever happen? 

She had a story to tell and her own version of the truth. So I took a deep breath, knowing I have absolutely no right to judge…

Will you blame me, like I blame myself? No, that’s impossible you couldn’t possible say the awful things I said in front of the mirror. Or maybe you’ll give me a moral speech about adultery…I know it by heart. 

No moral speeches, no harsh words. Only love. Because the lack of it is the source of all our wounds.

To tell him the truth. Why? To take this burden and throw it upon his shoulders. To destroy our life, our family. For a few moments of insanity.

But it was so much more. The story of your life…

Yes, I found the perfect guy, the most decent and kind and honest…after dating so many bad boys that I cannot even remember. Yes, I married him and our little boy is the living prove that miracles exists. And still…

You weren’t getting enough. Love, attention, care. The child in you was aching for more. And you didn’t knew where to look for…

The other man…I don’t even know him. And he doesn’t even care. It wasn’t even love or care, I don’t know what it was. But here I am, losing all. If I tell the truth I am losing all…

He thinks it’s his fault, he’s blaming himself. Guilt and damnation instead of love and forgiveness. And two broken hearts. Please, have faith…

I held him tight, a little longer than I used to…So many storms, words that cut deep, creating wounds that will never be completely healed. Sarcasm, irony, neglect and indifference. I want to forgive. I want to have faith…

Because, somewhere in this world, right at this moment,two broken hearts are learning to love each other again. And, in his open arms, she found more than redemption and forgiveness. She found life.

I asked her to have faith when my faith was almost gone…

I asked her to tell the truth when all I ever did was to run away…

I asked her to trust in their love when I was ready to throw it all away…

We don’t get enough from each other. We create chaos and frustration when all we really want is to cry out for love and forgiveness…

…a little more today.

 

 

The Liebster Award

Every time I’m nominated for an award, here on WordPress, I feel like the Universe smiled at me once again! From so many blogs, among so many wonderful people, many so much more extraordinary than I’ll ever be, Jess nominated me for the Liebster Award! Thank you, Jess!

And she’s pretty amazing herself! Her blog has that special something that makes you feel you’re talking to a friend, sharing thoughts and experiences. And she plays piano and violin, that’s truly impressive t me! And she loves dark chocolate, exactly like myself!

Please check her blog at: https://daringtojess.wordpress.com/

The rules for the Liebster Award:

  1. Acknowledge the blog that nominated you and display the award
  2. Give 11 random facts about yourself
  3. Nominate 11 blogs
  4. Notify them of the nomination
  5. Give them 11 questions to answer

I’ll start with the 11 random facts about myself:

  1. My eyes change color depending on my emotions (different shades of green, nothing too dramatic 🙂 )
  2. I have a collection of porcelain dolls and each one of them represents the main character from a famous novel.
  3. I have an bearded dragon, he’s really sweet and friendly even if our friends get a little scared when I take him out of his terrarium 🙂
  4. I have a fascination for snakes and no trace of fear when I manipulate them.
  5. When I was a child, I used to talk to the sea.
  6. I’m afraid of the bees.
  7. Animals, including the big, scary ones 🙂 seem to like me, or, at least, they become calm and gentle around me.
  8. I could listen the Vivaldi’s Seasons for hours!
  9. I’m consider myself very romantic.
  10. I adore storms with thunders, lightnings and wild wind.
  11. I never drink alcohol.

Now, Jess wanted to know about me:

  1. What is your favorite place to be?
  2. Do you consider yourself special?
  3. What does your favorite quotation mean to you?
  4. How has your blog changed since you started?
  5. What would you do if you couldn’t fail or be rejected?
  6. What do you admire about yourself?
  7. What is one thing you’re dreading right now?
  8. What is one thing you’re excited for?
  9. What is one failure that turned into your greatest lesson?
  10. Do you believe that destiny/fate is pre-determined or that you can change it?
  11. What’s your favorite way to get organised?

My answers:

  1. My favorite place to be is by the water: a lake, a river, the sea…
  2. I believe that every human being is special.
  3. My favorite quote is: “Do everything in love.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5) and it became my life’s philosophy.
  4. My blog became more focused on the things that really matter to me (faith, love, family) and I became more open and honest.
  5. If I couldn’t fail it would mean I’m perfect…that would be such a heavy burden on my shoulders 🙂 I guess I would dream of experiencing failure and imperfection once again 🙂
  6. What I like most about myself…my empathy.
  7. Uh…house chores…
  8. Usually it’s about a new book or traveling. I get excited just like a kid!
  9. It’s not really a failure, but…as a child. my school was chosen by my parents and I never felt that my place is there…so, what I learned from this is to always listen and look closely at my children’s feelings and to involve them in my decisions.
  10. I believe that God gives us a wonderful gift: free will. There are things that cannot be changed, but we chose our path and our destiny!
  11. I write lists, notes and so on to get organized.

My nominees for the Liebster Award are:

  1. https://dynaxty.wordpress.com/
  2. https://charliesaysblog.com/
  3. https://theexceptionalwriter.wordpress.com/
  4. https://happinessbetweentails.com/
  5. https://lifewithlatoya.wordpress.com/
  6. http://shaloowalia.com/
  7. https://nathprasaddhanawat.wordpress.com/
  8. https://catherinepress.wordpress.com/
  9. https://carisblog.com/
  10. https://youarebeautiful2blog.wordpress.com/
  11. https://inthewrongboots.wordpress.com/

And my questions for you, amazing friends, are:

  1. What was the most vivid dream you remember?
  2. A symbol for love would be…
  3. If you could go back in time, what would you change in your life?
  4. As a child, your favorite hero was…
  5. What comforts you the most when you are sad?
  6. Your favorite poem is…
  7. If you could ask God (or any higher power) one question, this would be…
  8. What disappoints you the most in people?
  9. Your biggest wish is…
  10. Do you have a lucky charm?
  11. If you would write a book about yourself, the title would be…

Thank you, dear friends, for your patience. And, of course, if any of the nominees doesn’t want to follow the steps for this award, I completely understand. And I still consider you all amazing! ❤

I wont always be there…

The cruel sound of the alarm along with the hottest and the brightest sun rays should be enough…

-I’m going…I’m leaving now…right now…Is it 7 already? I have to walk the dog…and breakfast and you…you need a shirt…for work…

He pulls me closer and we’re both laughing of my playful struggle to free myself from his arms. His soft whispers in my ear bring goose bumps on my skin and he knows. Oh, how he knows…

No…what I really need…is right here in my arms…Stay…

-but…

-no “buts” today…nor tomorrow…nor always…stop running and enjoy…the peace.

He turns my face so now I can see the morning sky reflected in his blue eyes. 

Peace…you say?

-yes…the war is over. For ever…and if you’ll ever start another war, my sweetheart…

what? what will you do?

He has that hunger in his eyes…that fire…I can’t remember when was the last time I saw it. How did it happen…how did his eyes became so empty…and now…now I’m ruining this moment with my tears…

honey…

-don’t mind me…I’m just being silly…I’m afraid to be happy again…

He stops me from talking with the softest kiss…The fire in his eyes is pure light now. 

just lay here, in my arms…it is a certitude that I’ll fail…and I wont promise to always be what you need me to be…it would be a lie…I will make you cry again and I’ll hate myself after…but if you just lay with me now…

He’s wiping away his own tears.

damn it, babe…you’re my peace! don’t ever walk away…

He’s calling my name. Have I fell asleep again? He’s upset…why is he always so upset…we were just…

-Look, if you don’t want to walk the dog, I’ll do it, it’s okay. But I need that shirt and it’s getting late.

Tears are running down my face, but he can’t see.

-I fell asleep, sorry…

My heart is so heavy and all my protective walls have tumbled down. And I’m in the middle of the war, here on this battlefield we used to call HOME. Helpless, defenseless, scared and alone. Suddenly, everything hurts.

Everything. Even the warm sunshine, even the smiles on my neighbors faces. Even life.

A white pigeon flies so close to my face, it almost touches me. I didn’t saw the car, I just heard the breaks and I screamed in the anticipation of the impact. But it didn’t happen.

Be careful, we only have one life. 

I wont always be there for you. I’m here right now, willing to stay, willing to love you. So why wont you love me back?

Let it be peace upon all the loving hearts tonight.

 

 

 

The Versatile Blogger Award

wp-image-1179186446.jpg

I’m honored and grateful to be nominated to this wonderful award by a very special writer and a dear friend, Rupali. One of the sweetest girls I know on WordPress, she is impressive, not only by being a very complex and creative person, but also for her kindness and generosity. Do you know that expression…”a heart of gold”? Well, she is the definition of it! In her writings you’ll hear an unique voice, an honest, authentic and loving one. I invite you to discover her amazing blog, at: https://rupaligoyal.wordpress.com/

Thank you, Rupali, for this award!

RULES OF THE VERSATILE BLOGGER AWARD:

1.) Thank the bloggers who nominated you and share their links.
2.) Nominate at least 10 bloggers for the award and provide links to their blogs.
3.) Also inform them about their nomination.
4.) Reveal 7 facts about yourself that your readers may not know.

I’ll start with the seven facts about myself:

  1. I can watch the full moon for hours, it fascinates me and it’s impossible for me to sleep on those nights.
  2. I love fireworks so much, that I travel to another country in its national day just to see them 🙂
  3. I had a near death experience that changed me in a positive way.
  4. I adore spicy food and jalapenos.
  5. Every time I go to the Zoo I feel a deep sadness, I can’t stand to see wild animals being caged.
  6. When I was a child, my biggest dream was to visit Beijing.
  7. I (still) love coloring books 🙂

And my nominees are:

  1. https://theexceptionalwriter.wordpress.com/
  2. https://singhastha.wordpress.com/
  3. https://tashneevmavee.wordpress.com/
  4. https://ofbyand4theasses.wordpress.com/
  5. https://caterpillars2butterfliesblog.wordpress.com/
  6. https://aethist.wordpress.com/
  7. https://ittakesasaviortoraiseachild.wordpress.com/
  8. https://aquibview.wordpress.com/
  9. https://bikeclimbrunswimrunyoga.wordpress.com/
  10. https://aymenkiyani.wordpress.com/

I want to say thank you to all my friends who are following my blog, you are amazing! And if any of my nominees doesn’t want to follow the steps to receive the award, it’s absolutely okay, you’re still part of my heart!

Claudia

 

If you feel you can’t wait ’till morning…

Just another sleepless night and I had to come to you. Love was never easy for neither of us, wasn’t it? You seem so surprised…why? After all, you know everything about losing battles, so that makes you a survivor. Do you see the irony in this?

Can I come in? Don’t be afraid, the only dark is in my soul. Or, better be…be frightened! Because I chased away all the stars and I’m carrying the darkest shade of black withing me. What you see in front of your eyes is not what you know, not what you expected, so be very afraid…

Who said you are meant to save me? Now that I’m touching your heart, I can feel how fragile it is. One simple gesture, one wrong move and it’s broken. Why are you still staying? Will you stay ’till morning comes? I need you! Will you finally open your eyes?

I finally opened my eyes. The nightmare left my skin covered in cold sweat so I’m trembling. The window is open and the darkness never seemed so deep. My Rosary is laying on the floor and my bedroom looks ravished. Wild wind…

3:03 AM

I remember my nightmare and I remember his voice. I’m doing it. Maybe I’m losing my mind, but I’m doing it.

-Stephan? I’m sorry to call you this hour, I’m sure you were sleeping and now you’re thinking I’m some lunatic…

-I…I wasn’t…how did you knew?

-What? Your voice sounds strange. I had a nightmare and…Why are you still up this late?

-I was just writing something…for you. A note.

-A note? What note? Stephan…

-It’s just that…life…and love was never easy. I lost too much already and I can’t go on. I’m sorry, you should really go to sleep, I’m not worthy…

-Listen…love wasn’t easy for neither of us and we know all about losing battles. You know what we are? Survivors! We are experts in facing our fears. But right now I am afraid, I’m frightened of losing my best friend. So, just stay with me and listen! Okay?

-Okay…I guess…

-I know that feeling when you look in the mirror and you cannot recognize yourself. All you see is the darkest shade of black…

-That’s exactly how…

-I know, I do know! You touched my heart so many times that you became a part of it. Fragile as it is, broken as you found it, you were the only one who saw its walls falling. So, no matter what…no matter how deep is your darkness…I am staying! I can be afraid of so many things, but I wont be afraid of you. And if you are in darkness, then I’ll join you there, until the morning comes!

-I think you were meant to save me…

-Only three hours are separating us from the day light. I will make sure you’re reaching the morning light safely…

Because you are meant to live. To face your fears and to learn that, beyond every lost battle, there can be a new beginning. 

And no matter how fragile we are, how deep is our inner darkness, how broken and scared we see ourselves, we’re all worthy. To embrace the morning light.

 

 

The costs of losing faith…

“The real reason why you’re here. Tell me the truth. Your secrets, the ones that no creature here on earth knows. Not even yourself because they’re too dark.”

I felt cold shivers running down my spine. A sensation of weakness and fear. But I have no real reason to be afraid…it’s not the first time I’m visiting someone at a mental hospital. Still…

Somehow, I knew. I tried to find the best polite way of saying no. But he asked me with tears in his eyes…”She’s my niece. Imagine that…a priest’s niece practicing witchcraft…invoking spirits. The doctors calls it psychosis. I’d say it’s a spiritual sickness…it started with a loss of faith. Talk to her, as a psychologist, but also as a child of God…because that’s what you are.”

So, here I am, with this awkward feeling that something is wrong. Something in her eyes. How can I give her comfort? How will I help? When I’m so fearful…

She’s grabbing my hand, starring at my palm.

“Okay, beautiful. Time to reveal. Two parallel lifelines. Two lives. Two men. Both are far away. One, in your real life, is very close to you, but distant in spirit. The other, too far to ever touch you. But with you every day, every moment. He knows your heart better than the other one. And you love the both. And you have no one.”

I’m aware of the tremble in my hands. And I know that any attempt of mine to create an image of self control is now doomed. So I decide to let her speak her truths. “How do you know? Is this perhaps a part of your story too?” She laughs.

How do I know…hmmm, let’s see…are the leaves green? Do they turn yellow before dying? Does she cry every fall, in secret, because she can’t stand the loss? Does she dance every spring when they’re born again? And she asks me how do I know…And I know more…You need to chose…that’s what you keep telling yourself in your crying hours.”

The weakness in my knees becomes obvious and I need to sit. To look deep in those dark eyes of her, to search for a little light, any light…

But I’m offering you a deal. It’s free. You can have them both. The two loves of your parallel lives, both crazily in love with you. They will never know. No costs, beautiful. Say yes, it’s a limited offer.”

Why was I send here in the first place? I can’t help her…only…oh, how small is my faith! “My Lord, here am I, feeling weak and helpless. Please be my strength when darkness is too deep for me to find my way. And guide me to Light. Let my spoken words be a testimony of your majesty. Please help me, I need YOU!”

I’m holding her hand and I smile at her. I tell her in a gentle voice that I’m here as her friend. To remind her that she’s not alone in this struggle. And she can still overcome this torment…She shuts down. No reaction, no word. So I help her lay in the hospital bed and I’m preparing to leave.

This voice is so different from what I heard before…a fragile, broken voice, childlike, crying, calling for help.

“Please don’t leave me, I don’t want to be here. I want to be where is not so dark, so painfully dark. I gave it all away so easily. My soul. It’s blind and lost. I am lost. I see things in my mind and they say I’m crazy. They are!

They are not aware of the DANGER. The terrible danger of losing faith.”

She falls in (what it seems to be) a deep sleep. And I know it’s going to be a long battle to bring her back home. But I also know she’s not alone. Not anymore.