Sad woman, don’t you cry! (a child’s perspective on depression)

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It’s 1 o’clock in the night and I’m not sleeping. I’m trying so hard not to move, not to make her aware that I’m there, sitting in my chair, with my arms wrapped tightly around my knees, imagining I’m inside my protective ball, where pain cannot pierce in…

I see her crying, it’s almost an hour since she started and she’ll probably continue all through the night. Her moves are automatic, robotic, she’s washing the dishes and she has plenty to wash. I’d offer to help, but I’m afraid to speak. I’m also afraid to cry even if I’m convinced that she wont notice.

She’s carrying an imaginary dialogue in her mind. I know it because, from time to time, her lips are moving and her eyebrows are raising just like in a conversation. I’m thinking that she might lose her mind, I’m thinking that she stopped loving me, I’m thinking I’m a burden to her.

It’s cold and I’m trembling, but there’s no way I’m going to sleep. I’m playing with the crumbles of bread on the table. The leftovers from our dinner…the table looks devastated, ugly, dirty and I don’t want this food! I wont eat and I wont sleep, I wont speak and I wont cry. I wont smile until…

She’s turning to me and I can’t even look at her. The swollen eyes, all red from crying, the greasy hair…She used to be beautiful, I hate this ugly side of her! She stars at me, but she can’t see me. She takes the big, sharp knife, the one I’m not supposed to touch and she’s starting to eat. That’s so silly, I’m laughing inside me, a nervous laugh. She’s eating the whole cake, piece by piece. She’s overweight and she’s eating the whole cake! The one I refused to taste before…

It’s my fault. I don’t know how, I don’t know why and I have no idea how to fix this. But it’s my fault. And I’m so small, so powerless, so…invisible. I hate her and I love her at the same time. I’m only 9…and I’m already a horrible person.

She needs a man in her life. Someone who’d make her laugh, someone who’d make her feel loved and beautiful. She needs the whole package! She needs a vacation, a sunny place. She needs a honeymoon. And I’m a burden. And my dad it’s an idiot. And she’s ugly, fat, depressive and hysterical. And I love her more than life itself…

It’s 2 o’clock in the night, I have school tomorrow. I leave her there, with the big knife, with her imaginary dialogue and her broken heart. I’m going to my room and I’m closing the door, using the key I stole from her. I open the window.

The boy from the Moon smiles at me. I smile back and I climb to the edge of my window. I open my arms like flying, but still I’m not brave enough. I still can’t take the fall. Maybe tomorrow.

“I swear I’ll never be like her! I’ll always be pretty and thin! I’ll never cry so my face wont get so ugly and wrinkled! I’ll wear pretty dresses and my hair will be long and shiny. My husband will love me! He’ll take me to sunny places and we’ll have the perfect family.”

Yeah, right.

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You’ll smile and say you missed me…

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I’ll see you standing there, in the golden light. That’s when rivers of crystalline tears will make my eyes shine brightly. You’ll smile and I will remember everything…

Our very first moment…you took me into your arms and I felt complete…for the first time, only with you, only for you…

I recognized you even if I never saw you before…I loved you and I lost you and then I loved you more…in all the ages of humanity, different but the same, searching one another through time…

My reason denied you, my rigid vision of life pushed you away, still you stayed…because you knew…I need to be saved from myself…I need to be released from this prison of false righteousness…

You wanted me to know love in its purest form, to be free to fly…to fulfill my destiny…

I was stubborn, I was childish, I was scared. The feeling was too intense, so I ran away…

You never tried to convince me…you just stayed there, with arms wide open, with a forgiving heart and a love that can move mountains…

And I learned that true love is not about seduction. It has nothing to do with any scenario, with clever lines made to deceive. It’s not a hurricane that leaves you broken…

True love fulfills destinies. Even if we’re worlds apart. Even in the solitude of a world that will never understand, will never accept, will never forgive…

I’ll see you standing there, in all the beauty and majesty of a sky I only begun to contemplate. My torn heart will find rest in the light of your eyes. You’ll smile and say you missed me and I’ll be lost for words…

In your arms, that’s the only way I’m crossing the bridge…

With you for ever, that’s the only way I’m spending my eternity…

Yours…that’s the only way I’ll ever be…

Please wait for me, my love…

…at the gates of Heaven.

 

 

Facing the moonlight…

Stars_Crescent_Boys_Little_girls_Night_Two_Roof_514739_1151x1024I know this restless feeling inside you, why are you hiding your eyes? You’re twisting and turning in your sleepless storms inside. Come outside, be like you used to be! Just for one night. 

I was just a child.

No, you were so much more…Tell me, what child spends hours in the late night talking to a lonely planet? What child prays for wings to fly far away from the only home she ever knew?

I was just scared.

But you smiled through your tears. You reached out your tiny hand to me, through darkness, coldness and desperation. You promised!

I was just lonely.

You had something so honest, so sweet and innocent in this loneliness of yours. Remember how hard you tried to understand? 

I was just naive.

You opened the windows, ready to face the darkness and you saw light. Your smile was the prettiest I ever saw. I had to keep you smiling. So I draw little stars on the frozen glass. You created a shelter around my little stars. A heart. Yours.

I was just desperate.

I touched your face, it was icy cold. I decided to stay with you, to create a cradle of light around you. I wanted you to know, to deeply feel that you’re never alone. I gave you the brightness and the sparkling stars in a lifetime of white nights.

I was just blind. What do you want from me now, after so many wasted years?

To keep your promises.

To open the windows and to face the moonlight.

To become fearless when your world is cold.

To dare to love. More every day. 

To have faith.

I will and I know. Who you are. I do remember now. Who I am…

He smiled and turned away, disappearing in the unseen face of the moon…

 

 

Here I pray, Lord, where nobody is listening…

 

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“He must be the coldest man I ever met!” she said to herself, starring at him with her big green eyes. “And the rudest! Because I said hello and he wouldn’t even look at me, then I asked How are you? and he wouldn’t move a muscle! He wouldn’t give me a smile…”.

Her passion for lost causes brought her to him. And her desire of saving the world made her stay a little more than usual in his quiet company. And…yes, he was handsome! Yes, he had that “fallen angel” aura…something pointless to love but impossible to ignore.

One more try.

“You’re so cold, can I give you my coat? There you are, isn’t it better?”

She must have hurt his pride…probably. Her pink coat was laying on the snow and still, no intention of him to respond to her kindness. Then she noticed he’s on his knees.

“You are praying? Here? In the park? I guess we can pray anywhere…Hey, can I pray with you?”

She got on her knees, but realized very quickly that that’s a bad idea.

“I hope God wont mind me praying standing…you know, sometimes I don’t even know if he notice me. My knees hurt from that fall I took the other day, while trying to save the lost kitten. Anyway…what are we praying for?”

He moved away.

Okay, one last try.

“Sometimes I don’t know what to pray for. So I just say…Thank you, Father. For the colors and the songs, for the rainbows and the butterflies. Thank you for the love I have in me. Thank you for loving me back. Amen! And…Father Anthony heard me once and he said is the most beautiful prayer he ever heard! But he’s just kind to me.”

Big tears falling from his eyes.

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“Oh, you’re crying…Please don’t cry…See, sometimes I feel I’m praying in vain. Like nobody is listening. Once, I was so desperate, (I was climbing a small mountain and a storm began) that I shouted out loud: Here I am Lord! Here, where you can’t hear me! Where you don’t see me! Where should I climb to be closer to you? He heard me, cause the storm stopped and I saw the rainbow…”

A ray of light on his devastated face.

“See? That’s a sign! Oh, I’m so happy I was here with you! Can I hug you?”

She hugged him and kept him warm, close to her heart. She only let him go when her hands got icy cold. Her arms were empty.

The snowman smiled to her from the clear blue skies above. She was sad, then she was grateful. She understood that, maybe, this is her mission.

To see a blessing in every little thing. To hear a response of Heaven in every little prayer. To reach out to the hopeless ones. To love. Above all, TO LOVE.

Hey little pigeon, where are you flying to?

maxresdefaultIf I open the golden cage…

Will you fly over the green fields, where life blossoms in the fresh grass kissed by the gentle rain? He’s waiting for me there, with his arms full of wild flowers and a smile brighter than the sun…

Tell him I’ll be there soon…

Will your wings touch the pure white snow on the highest mountains, where faith rise with every snow flake that’s breaking its flight just to give sparkles to the icy wind? He’s standing there, with his arms open and fire in his eyes…

Tell him I’ll keep my promises…

Will you find the endless desert, where castles of sand are being build and destroyed in the name of human idols? He’s fighting quicksands and sinful illusions there, for me, with a tired soul and a hopeless destination…

Tell him I’ll be his shelter…

Will you cross the Atlantic ocean, where angels spread their wings over a perfect blue sky, sending a free, careless ray of light into the lovers hearts? He’s dreaming of me there, laying on the beach, whispering words of love to the wildest waves…

Tell him I’ll wipe away his secret tears…

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Will you come back to me, little pigeon? I need to know…

Did he laugh or cry reading my silly, childish, naive and harmless thoughts?

Is he still keeping our love story as his most cherished treasure?

Am I still his everything?

Hey, little pigeon…you are free to fly, like I never was. Find him, tell him he’s free too…

 

One day I’ll be thankful too…

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I can’t remember for how long…it seemed like an eternity…I just stood there, on the cold, wet bench in the park, with leafs and cold rain drops falling over me…Dark sky above me, dark thoughts inside…

I know that children get sick and catching a flu is natural in this cold weather…and I know that a house can get messy, things all around…and I know they need me…but…Lord…I’m tired, didn’t get much sleep, haven’t got the time to eat…and I turned to him for comfort…and…once again…he’s tired and frustrated too…I just need to feel loved…just a little bit…

I don’t know how did he find me there, since the bench was pretty isolated…and I can’t explain this joy I’m feeling inside when I see him…

-Christian!

-Hey…you forgot your umbrella again? Here, take mine…you’re frozen! Come on, let’s go somewhere nice and warm…

I need fresh air…just for a minute…

He’s putting his arms around me and all I can do is to close my eyes and pray this is more than a dream. I feel his fingers through my hair…

-What’s that? Oh, I hope I didn’t break it…

My silver necklace…St. Benedict medal..I always wear it in my moments of dark…just a reminder that someone, somewhere…still loves me…

-That’s my…

-This is a Saint Benedict medal! Why on earth are you wearing such thing? You know, there’s a thin line between…are you aware of the significance of this?

Saint Benedict medal is a symbol of the fight against evil. People also wear this medal sometimes when they’re praying for an easy, painless way of dying. Still, the power is NOT in the medal itself, but in the faith and love we’re carrying in our souls.

-And why is this bothering you?

-Because you deserve more than this blind faith in something that never answered, never proved to be real!

And I can’t take it anymore…

-Let’s make things clear, Christian! Tolerance is a two ways street. Don’t think I didn’t noticed how you never miss a chance to say a bad word…and don’t think I didn’t noticed that tattoo of yours, with the black sun! Yes, I did! Next time you attack my faith, be prepared to defend yours!

-Okay.

And he walks away.

Abandoned and alone, here I am, in the cold November rain, still refusing to cry, still not able to go home, still willing to believe…

It felt like forever…

The smell of something sweet and his warm touch.

-I brought you…this.

A chocolate cookie…

-I bought it from the bakery across the street…I don’t know if you like it…

-It’s perfect…thank you. And forgive me…

-I kicked myself for talking like that to you…is just that…

No, it’s my fault and only! I sounded so arrogant and superior like I’m some kind of preacher when I’m just a lost soul…filled with doubts and fears…And I’m so thankful, so grateful to have you in my life…

-Please let me say it…One day I’ll be thankful too. I will believe too. But for now, I need this anger, I need this rage…to keep myself alive. This is my way of surviving.

Tears are running down my cheeks.

I guess you’re smarter than me…my way of surviving was always Love. Look where it brought me…

He takes me in his arms.

Love is a two ways street too, just like tolerance. I need you…but you need to go home…And one day, when all this rage will be just a wild memory…I will be thankful too. 

 

Let me take you far away…

ad_1191455281I never had a proper sense of danger…

Isn’t it a bit silly, to just stand here, on a broken bridge, in the middle of the storm?

He put his arms around my shoulders while the raging sea was washing away any trace of reason, any instinct or intuition of self-defense…I smiled in a deep gratitude for these warm, loving arms, but I wasn’t going to take any step back…into the safety of the dry land…

Come with me, I’ll take you home, this is too wild, too cold…

I am home. This is how I’m used to be…one step in the unknown and salty water on my face. This is where my heart feels safe. Beyond this, I’m bound to the emptiness of the white walls of my love. Beyond this, I’m unable to breath and I’m helpless…He left me broken, scared, confused and alone. And here…here is where I found my safe place…

Aren’t you afraid to stand here all alone? Contemplating the raging waves and risking a wrong step? Aren’t you tired of waiting?

No…not if I have a chance, just a little chance to see…

Oh, silly girl, what are you expecting to see? Can’t you realize that the black clouds became one with the dark waters? And your horizon is forever gone into the swirling winds? Will you ever see more than madness and despair?

I’ll see him…he’ll conquer the wildness and he’ll rule over any storm. He’ll come after me and he’ll take me far away…I’m safe here because I can hope and I can wait. And he will come…

What if he’s already here?

Is it in the warmth of his smile? Or in the light of his eyes? These butterflies inside me, this feeling of spring…Can you do it for me? Would you bring life into my white desert if I need it so much?

Why don’t you find out for yourself, my brave little angel?

He leans over and kisses my salty lips…

And all of the sudden…

There’s light…and faith…and hope…

There’s love…

Let me take you far away. You were meant to fly high and I promise…

I’m gonna love you like there’s no tomorrow and still, beyond any contradiction, like we’re everlasting and immortal. 

Because there isn’t. Because we are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That sweet, old fashioned notion

tango_dancing_couple_by_naderdes-d4ygtxiThere was a flame in his eyes and no way to deny it. He could easily be a hero or, maybe, one of those people who’s words changed mentalities. But he’s just…

I could read between his lines. His voice is deeper than a lost thunder in its way to meet the sea. A sea of doubts. He’ll calm down the raging waves. He’ll make sure I found peace. Only that I…

Lost in time and separated by a distance we cannot cross. He’s still mine. I’m still his. The bravest part of me will always meet the brightest part of him. To feel complete, to become one. Still, we…

Torn apart by unspoken words, our voices were silenced by the unsung songs. We live for the untold stories and they’re happy for our unwritten happy endings. If they only…

We’re broken mirrors for each other’s wounds, starring in each other’s abysses. No peace for the lost souls. No medals for the survivors. What if…

But he’s just an old flame. A peaceful, harmless hero who never got the chance to fight.

Only that I turned my peace into disaster, creating drama and breaking our hearts.

Still we have a place in this legendary love. We just never settled for what we were given.

If they only knew that our smiles hide a million love songs, all ours…Would they set us free?

What if you and me, warriors by nature, will one day decide to break the rules? To find real peace and real love. I’d be your run-away girl if you’d only be my shelter.

What if, one day, out of the blue, I’ll come looking for you, threatening to break your almost-perfect bubble of lies? 

Hey…are we still talking about love? You know, that sweet old-fashion notion…romantic, pure and harmless? 

No. We stopped talking about love long time ago.

It’s all about Freedom.

Take it easy on my heart…

I’m standing right in front of him, lights on me, the crowd is calling out my name and I forgot my lines…

“Hurry home, I need you!”

His whispered words bring shivers down my body…he wont find out about this power he has on me. I will play it brightly, I will fool my crazy heart…

“My love, my soulmate, till this world will fall apart…and after…”

People are waiting for my line. I don’t have one. But I have this tremble on my fingers when I’m touching his. He’ll blame it on my fears. I play the insecure part almost too perfect. So he wont find out that my feelings have the strength of a hurricane…

“Where there’s love, we’ll find hope. And this hope will get us through time. Until we’ll fly free, where there are no constrains, no borders, no boundaries.”

My inner voice is shouting. Say something, anything! And I can’t…And I want the curtain to fall, this show shall not go on…

“Come to me, my love. Our embrace was our home, it still is. Hurry back into my open arms!”

I’m standing right here, where are the lights? Where is everyone?

Where are you?

I’m sorry for forgetting so easily. I’m sorry for not saying it in time. I regret this silence between us. Forgive me for being so proud, so foolish, so frightened.

I played it the wrong way. I thought is a game of power. I thought I’m supposed to win.

It was one single line. How could I? Here I am, My Love, shouting out loud in the darkness of this cold, wild world. Take me back…

I love you too.

 

I was crying when I met you…

You found me in the rain, crying, with an empty heart and a homeless soul.

You took my heart into your hands…(You are safe…)

Your arms around me kept me warm…(I’m here for you…)

You made me feel like home…(You don’t need their love…)

I was with you, I was so deep…I forgot the world and its deceiving smiles. Only with you, only for you, you were the answer to…everything…(I’m the only therapy you’ll ever need…)

No one knew the struggle behind the mask. I kept it locked, every moment of falling…(They’ll never understand…)

You fulfilled a void…just to create a larger one…(I’m the only one who can make you feel complete…)

So I tried to escape more than once, but I came back defeated…(I’ll make you feel loved…)

Hey, You…

Give me back my life. My health, my beauty. My self respect. My independence.

(It’s too late for you…)

Don’t come near me offering this false feeling of security. I’ve never been so insecure.

(Let me comfort you…the way I only know…)

I’m facing the world without you. Don’t stand in my way…(This cruel world will tear you apart without my support…)

I was crying when I met you. Rejected and alone. And you made this solitude deeper and so much more painful. I am healing.

(You need me, you wont make it by yourself…)

Hey, You…

(I’m your healer, your comforter, your love…)

No. You are only my eating disorder. And I’m replacing you with self respect, peace of mind and faith.

And maybe…I’ll learn to love myself again some day.

NOTE: This post is dedicated to every brave heart fighting an eating disorder. Beautiful warrior, you are loved more than you’ll ever know.