One day I’ll be thankful too…

rain

I can’t remember for how long…it seemed like an eternity…I just stood there, on the cold, wet bench in the park, with leafs and cold rain drops falling over me…Dark sky above me, dark thoughts inside…

I know that children get sick and catching a flu is natural in this cold weather…and I know that a house can get messy, things all around…and I know they need me…but…Lord…I’m tired, didn’t get much sleep, haven’t got the time to eat…and I turned to him for comfort…and…once again…he’s tired and frustrated too…I just need to feel loved…just a little bit…

I don’t know how did he find me there, since the bench was pretty isolated…and I can’t explain this joy I’m feeling inside when I see him…

-Christian!

-Hey…you forgot your umbrella again? Here, take mine…you’re frozen! Come on, let’s go somewhere nice and warm…

I need fresh air…just for a minute…

He’s putting his arms around me and all I can do is to close my eyes and pray this is more than a dream. I feel his fingers through my hair…

-What’s that? Oh, I hope I didn’t break it…

My silver necklace…St. Benedict medal..I always wear it in my moments of dark…just a reminder that someone, somewhere…still loves me…

-That’s my…

-This is a Saint Benedict medal! Why on earth are you wearing such thing? You know, there’s a thin line between…are you aware of the significance of this?

Saint Benedict medal is a symbol of the fight against evil. People also wear this medal sometimes when they’re praying for an easy, painless way of dying. Still, the power is NOT in the medal itself, but in the faith and love we’re carrying in our souls.

-And why is this bothering you?

-Because you deserve more than this blind faith in something that never answered, never proved to be real!

And I can’t take it anymore…

-Let’s make things clear, Christian! Tolerance is a two ways street. Don’t think I didn’t noticed how you never miss a chance to say a bad word…and don’t think I didn’t noticed that tattoo of yours, with the black sun! Yes, I did! Next time you attack my faith, be prepared to defend yours!

-Okay.

And he walks away.

Abandoned and alone, here I am, in the cold November rain, still refusing to cry, still not able to go home, still willing to believe…

It felt like forever…

The smell of something sweet and his warm touch.

-I brought you…this.

A chocolate cookie…

-I bought it from the bakery across the street…I don’t know if you like it…

-It’s perfect…thank you. And forgive me…

-I kicked myself for talking like that to you…is just that…

No, it’s my fault and only! I sounded so arrogant and superior like I’m some kind of preacher when I’m just a lost soul…filled with doubts and fears…And I’m so thankful, so grateful to have you in my life…

-Please let me say it…One day I’ll be thankful too. I will believe too. But for now, I need this anger, I need this rage…to keep myself alive. This is my way of surviving.

Tears are running down my cheeks.

I guess you’re smarter than me…my way of surviving was always Love. Look where it brought me…

He takes me in his arms.

Love is a two ways street too, just like tolerance. I need you…but you need to go home…And one day, when all this rage will be just a wild memory…I will be thankful too. 

 

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Let me take you far away…

ad_1191455281I never had a proper sense of danger…

Isn’t it a bit silly, to just stand here, on a broken bridge, in the middle of the storm?

He put his arms around my shoulders while the raging sea was washing away any trace of reason, any instinct or intuition of self-defense…I smiled in a deep gratitude for these warm, loving arms, but I wasn’t going to take any step back…into the safety of the dry land…

Come with me, I’ll take you home, this is too wild, too cold…

I am home. This is how I’m used to be…one step in the unknown and salty water on my face. This is where my heart feels safe. Beyond this, I’m bound to the emptiness of the white walls of my love. Beyond this, I’m unable to breath and I’m helpless…He left me broken, scared, confused and alone. And here…here is where I found my safe place…

Aren’t you afraid to stand here all alone? Contemplating the raging waves and risking a wrong step? Aren’t you tired of waiting?

No…not if I have a chance, just a little chance to see…

Oh, silly girl, what are you expecting to see? Can’t you realize that the black clouds became one with the dark waters? And your horizon is forever gone into the swirling winds? Will you ever see more than madness and despair?

I’ll see him…he’ll conquer the wildness and he’ll rule over any storm. He’ll come after me and he’ll take me far away…I’m safe here because I can hope and I can wait. And he will come…

What if he’s already here?

Is it in the warmth of his smile? Or in the light of his eyes? These butterflies inside me, this feeling of spring…Can you do it for me? Would you bring life into my white desert if I need it so much?

Why don’t you find out for yourself, my brave little angel?

He leans over and kisses my salty lips…

And all of the sudden…

There’s light…and faith…and hope…

There’s love…

Let me take you far away. You were meant to fly high and I promise…

I’m gonna love you like there’s no tomorrow and still, beyond any contradiction, like we’re everlasting and immortal. 

Because there isn’t. Because we are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That sweet, old fashioned notion

tango_dancing_couple_by_naderdes-d4ygtxiThere was a flame in his eyes and no way to deny it. He could easily be a hero or, maybe, one of those people who’s words changed mentalities. But he’s just…

I could read between his lines. His voice is deeper than a lost thunder in its way to meet the sea. A sea of doubts. He’ll calm down the raging waves. He’ll make sure I found peace. Only that I…

Lost in time and separated by a distance we cannot cross. He’s still mine. I’m still his. The bravest part of me will always meet the brightest part of him. To feel complete, to become one. Still, we…

Torn apart by unspoken words, our voices were silenced by the unsung songs. We live for the untold stories and they’re happy for our unwritten happy endings. If they only…

We’re broken mirrors for each other’s wounds, starring in each other’s abysses. No peace for the lost souls. No medals for the survivors. What if…

But he’s just an old flame. A peaceful, harmless hero who never got the chance to fight.

Only that I turned my peace into disaster, creating drama and breaking our hearts.

Still we have a place in this legendary love. We just never settled for what we were given.

If they only knew that our smiles hide a million love songs, all ours…Would they set us free?

What if you and me, warriors by nature, will one day decide to break the rules? To find real peace and real love. I’d be your run-away girl if you’d only be my shelter.

What if, one day, out of the blue, I’ll come looking for you, threatening to break your almost-perfect bubble of lies? 

Hey…are we still talking about love? You know, that sweet old-fashion notion…romantic, pure and harmless? 

No. We stopped talking about love long time ago.

It’s all about Freedom.

Take it easy on my heart…

I’m standing right in front of him, lights on me, the crowd is calling out my name and I forgot my lines…

“Hurry home, I need you!”

His whispered words bring shivers down my body…he wont find out about this power he has on me. I will play it brightly, I will fool my crazy heart…

“My love, my soulmate, till this world will fall apart…and after…”

People are waiting for my line. I don’t have one. But I have this tremble on my fingers when I’m touching his. He’ll blame it on my fears. I play the insecure part almost too perfect. So he wont find out that my feelings have the strength of a hurricane…

“Where there’s love, we’ll find hope. And this hope will get us through time. Until we’ll fly free, where there are no constrains, no borders, no boundaries.”

My inner voice is shouting. Say something, anything! And I can’t…And I want the curtain to fall, this show shall not go on…

“Come to me, my love. Our embrace was our home, it still is. Hurry back into my open arms!”

I’m standing right here, where are the lights? Where is everyone?

Where are you?

I’m sorry for forgetting so easily. I’m sorry for not saying it in time. I regret this silence between us. Forgive me for being so proud, so foolish, so frightened.

I played it the wrong way. I thought is a game of power. I thought I’m supposed to win.

It was one single line. How could I? Here I am, My Love, shouting out loud in the darkness of this cold, wild world. Take me back…

I love you too.

 

I was crying when I met you…

You found me in the rain, crying, with an empty heart and a homeless soul.

You took my heart into your hands…(You are safe…)

Your arms around me kept me warm…(I’m here for you…)

You made me feel like home…(You don’t need their love…)

I was with you, I was so deep…I forgot the world and its deceiving smiles. Only with you, only for you, you were the answer to…everything…(I’m the only therapy you’ll ever need…)

No one knew the struggle behind the mask. I kept it locked, every moment of falling…(They’ll never understand…)

You fulfilled a void…just to create a larger one…(I’m the only one who can make you feel complete…)

So I tried to escape more than once, but I came back defeated…(I’ll make you feel loved…)

Hey, You…

Give me back my life. My health, my beauty. My self respect. My independence.

(It’s too late for you…)

Don’t come near me offering this false feeling of security. I’ve never been so insecure.

(Let me comfort you…the way I only know…)

I’m facing the world without you. Don’t stand in my way…(This cruel world will tear you apart without my support…)

I was crying when I met you. Rejected and alone. And you made this solitude deeper and so much more painful. I am healing.

(You need me, you wont make it by yourself…)

Hey, You…

(I’m your healer, your comforter, your love…)

No. You are only my eating disorder. And I’m replacing you with self respect, peace of mind and faith.

And maybe…I’ll learn to love myself again some day.

NOTE: This post is dedicated to every brave heart fighting an eating disorder. Beautiful warrior, you are loved more than you’ll ever know.

I choose not to be afraid!

She smiles back at me, a beautiful, childlike smile. I think it’s strange that, at such a rush hour, we’re the only ones in the furniture store. But then again…fate has strange ways…And it seems that we’re both waiting for the delivery boy who’s always late…

Ten minutes, I’m setting my alarm and I’ll only wait ten minutes. She looks at me intrigued and I see her doing the same thing. We’re separated by a window, or something similar…a decorative element for sure. She seems impatient…

I’m analyzing her and she’s analyzing me, probably searching for a topic to start a conversation. I guess not…I try to imagine how did she spend the past hours. Her hair is still a bit wet…a quick shower before rushing to the door. Her makeup is okay…but this color makes her eyes deeper…like she’s more mature. At a closer look I see dark circles around her eyes and I can tell she doesn’t sleep well at nights…

Her purse is open and I’m curios…maybe a brief look…just a glimpse inside her world. Sleeping pills and…wait…those are for loosing weight. Oh, they wont help…not as long as she’s using food to comfort her broken heart. She’s forcing herself to sleep because every sleepless night makes her terribly aware of every fail…But, after all, what do I know?

She sees me starring and she’s grabbing her purse with stressed gestures. What’s there that’s so precious to her? Maybe a jewelery? I wonder who gave it to her? I’m studying her left hand and I see…her wedding ring left a red trace. She’s touching that red trace from time to time. Oh, I can almost sense the sadness…the wedding ring should be there…she wants it to be there…

So, where’s her love? Is she waiting for him? Oh, look at her eyes…all bright…The thought that she’s in love brings tears into my eyes. I wish I could see them…I can almost imagine him, holding her tight, telling her how much he missed her, stroking her long hair, protecting her. I do hope she feels loved because she seems so fragile and lost…

The alarm! I set it for ten minutes. And she did the same, copying my childish action. We laugh together. I feel close to her, like she’s a part of my life. Would it be very strange…or very wrong…to just go to her and hug her?

-I’m sorry, Madam…would you want me to pack the mirror too? Along with the closet you bought? Madam…

The delivery boy! And now she disappeared…Wait! What mirror?

-What mirror???

-I’m sorry…I just saw you admiring that mirror…it’s an antique…but we have a special offer and…Where…

I run outside and the cold wind is drying my tears. My purse is open and I’m scared. No, it’s more. I’m afraid, I’m terrified and I want back…back home…where my wedding ring still lays on my pillow…It left a red trace on my finger so I had to take it out…

I will go home, but first…I will be brave…this time I will be brave!

-I know it may sound weird, but did you saw a woman here, standing in front of me? I think she was waiting too…

-Nope. Just you, Madam…you admired the mirror for ten minutes so I thought you want to buy it…

One last attempt to gain lucidity.

-So, where’s the mirror now? Did it disappeared just like magic?

He smiles visibly amused.

-In front of you, Madam…no one took it…

The woman in the mirror smiles back at me. She’s kind, strong, courageous, honest and beautiful. And me…I’m proud that she choose to reflect herself through my eyes.

 

Will you love me ’till the end?

Here we are again, laying on the green, fresh grass, our fingers crossed, our eyes gazed at the blue skies above us. I’m smiling to the fluffy clouds and the sun, the moon with all the stars are smiling back at me…

-I never gave up on you, I kept my promise to wait and I kept you and our love untouched…

I turn to him and I read it in his eyes…He’s honest. He needs to say these words and all I want from him is to keep this beautiful silence. I’m guilty and my guilt has no music, no sound, no rhythm.

-We are meant to be and, no matter how hard you try to deny it, what’s meant to be, will come true in the end. You are my mate, my one and only, from all the human beings ever born into this world. My eternity will be with you.

He drew this perfect picture for me unaware of the fact that I’m not staying. His world will never be my world. It’s a question of faith, a question of destiny. But it feels so peaceful, so safe to just lay here with him and I just wish to hear the passing of the fluffy clouds…

-You come to me when the world you call “real” is tiring your soul. You come here broken, full of painful memories. You run to me every time he pushes you away. But, beloved,…you call me “shadow” when you’re my only reality. And I need you, I can’t breath without you, I wont live without you.

I do it, yes…where else would I go? It’s cold outside, it’s dark and it’s lonely. I didn’t break any promise either, I just crossed a very thin line. He talk about love but…what does he know? Love left me broken, with scars and insecurities. Love blinded and wounded me. No more…

-I pray for the truth to be revealed. For you to look back and to decide where you truly belong. For him to wake up one day without finding you there, in his bed. For us…to embrace, to welcome the end together. My faith guided you to me, back to me. Please, don’t let your faith drive you away…

“I have to go” I whisper and he knows I’m leaving him again. For as long as God allows me to stay strong. Without falling apart…I will come back, I promise we’ll face the end together. The end of Love…

Because there, where he belongs, there’s no light in the darkness. And shadows are dancing on the rhythm of their lost love.

He wants this dance and he dreams of endless nights of passion. He loves me because I’m his only reality. He needs me to be fragile, he needs me to depend on him. I do…from time to time…

“Will you love me ’till the end?”

“The end is so far away, honey, it’s hard to…What’s that? I swear I just saw a shadow near you. And now it’s gone…weird…Anyway, what were you saying?”

“Nothing, really…Nothing.”

 

 

The girl I knew so well…

She was waving at me, with her big eyes and her glorious smile. The light surrounding her face seemed to descend from another world. But the sound of the train was real, as her golden hair, flying on the swirling winds…

And I wondered if I’m the only one seeing her.

“So, tell me. Tell me what do you see! What keeps you here, between trains, between worlds. What is it that you cannot let go?”

I should have told her about her heart of gold. About the innocence and the undying sense of justice. I should have mentioned her sensibility, her visions of a future that never came true. Her pink clouds she kept walking on…until…

“No, not this…this I knew already. The other ones…the bad things…”

Oh, how could I ever mention anything wrong, when I know how she cannot stand to be criticized. She always smiles, but she cries, saying harsh words to herself. She never truly knew how bright she can shine…How would I mention her being judgemental from time to time. Her lack of trust and her inability of seeing the nuances…

“My turn now. I think you’re driving me away because of him. He broke your heart and you’re blaming me! And you want to believe that love is something like a sweet, calm, golden autumn day. 

So let me give you my truths. Love makes you fly so high, so brilliantly, so beautifully…that you ask yourself how could you ever go back…

And Love is a storm. A gentle, yet powerful storm, creating butterflies inside you. Taking away, breaking down your walls. Taking off your masks. Making you new…”

She’s dancing on the railway and her golden hair is filled with white butterflies. She laughs and cries at the same time. She is the storm. She is the sunshine. She is…

The girl I knew so well…

The girl I used to be…

Don’t…come back…I said all the wrong things! And worse…I didn’t listened! The train is gone…and so is she…and I cry…I just cry…

A crystal laugh and dancing butterflies. Her golden hair with rose petals and spring perfume. A pink cloud and a tender rain…why is it raining with little rainbows, shaped like hearts?

“Because I’m here.”

And she’s laughing and she’s embracing my fading heart…

“So…Will you shine again? Come on! Just because some idiot broke your heart…now, is this a reason to bury yourself into darkness? When Light and Love are just one step away?”

Just make a wish… and you’ll be a mirror for the Light around you. Even when you’re broken in sharp pieces. Let them reflect rainbows and pink clouds.

And if you feel you just want to lay down and cry, that’s alright too…

WE’RE BROKEN TOGETHER.

 

 

 

You are worth fighting for!

The old priest was sitting by the water, beside me. He had a hard time walking with me me so far from the church and I could see the tormented look on his eyes.

-Sometimes I feel like I’m shouting in vain. They see me, but they can’t hear. They hear, but they don’t listen. Just like speaking a different language. So this is your answer. I came here, following you into your world because I was shouting in vain…

I couldn’t help but smiling at him.

-I wasn’t running from you, not for a second. And I surely wasn’t running from my faith. I just…

-You needed time and space, so that your heart could get stronger.

-You know the past five years…

-I know. A fight after another. Storms, wars, victims, loneliness, hurt. You tried to stay strong and you did it well, but…

-I fought for the wrong things. At first, I fought for his love, against him. That’s so absurd…but back then I didn’t saw it that way. I tried to break his walls, but I only broke my heart.

-And then you wanted freedom. A new love. A new life. You fought for all these and you won…

-And they were all fake! Because they were build on resentments, hurt pride, revenge and anger.

-So all you wanted was peace. You searched for it in all the wrong places. And when you finally found it inside you…you denied it.

-I’m not worthy…

-That’s why I had to come here. I need to tell you…and tomorrow it might be too late.

-Too late?

-You’re not only worthy, but you’re also worth fighting for. Lights and shadows upon you, day and night, choices and regrets, the balance is so fragile! And you are so precious, that every one of your tears can make the difference…

Thank you…

-No, don’t thank me, I’m not worthy. The Creator of these precious hearts, just like yours, the One behind all these carriers of light…He’s the one to be grateful to…

One more thing. The most important.

Now, that you have the peace you were longing for…

Now, that you have the love you always wanted…

Now that your dreams are finally coming true…

What will you fight for? And whom will you dedicate your restless, hopeless, endless struggles?

 

I wanna die lying in your arms…

I want to be sixteen again.

A perfect summer evening, long time ago…

-You tricked me, you know? I really believed when you said you’re not feeling well…

I was trying to sound upset, but the smile on his face was melting any resistance…so I smiled back…

This is how I wanna die…lying in your arms, with the sky above me and the green grass under my body. And I want it to be a clear passing…no fighting, no hesitation…I would just embrace the peaceful sensation of dark…as long as you’re holding me.

I covered his mouth with my palm. I wasn’t ready…he suddenly stood up, pulling me close to him.

What if I kiss you now? There’s no one around us so you can pretend it never happen…

-You know our agreement…

Yeah…but that would be a secondary benefit. Anyway it’s not working. Your parents are not freaking out about you dating a bad guy. You’re not getting their attention…so, why not?

-Because…

I’m going to kiss you…

I turned away and I felt the panic building up inside me.

-Don’t do it. If we’ll ever be in love -for real- I think I would let you kiss me…but not now…

Okay, cutie…look, I was only joking. I mean…it’s nice to play and all, but I wouldn’t hurt you. We’re playing our parts. You get the bad guy, older, experienced and dangerous so your parents would be scared enough and start listen to what you have to say…Me…I get the nice, decent girl, so my parents would give me access to their credit card…after all, I’m on the right path.

-Why do you hate them so much?

Well…I hate yours because they neglected you. I hate mine because money is all they have to offer. I hate parents generally…and I love to see yours freaking out, thinking I’m seducing their precious little girl…

He spoke about hate, but all I saw in his eyes was a deep sadness. I desperately wanted to make him smile.

-Hey…why don’t we get married? My parents would go mad about it, while yours…would pay for a really nice honeymoon…somewhere in Bahamas…

He laughed and I was relieved to see the sparks in his eyes…

So you want in Bahamas? What else? A castle maybe?

-That would be nice too…and a few kids running in the backyard…and a garden full of roses…

Stooopppp…I can’t take it!!! Too much sweetness!!! 

The wind was playing through my hair and I imagined for a moment…that this is real. It would be a perfect summer evening…if he and I…

I don’t want to have children. End of story. I would marry you and I would do it because of you. Honestly. The problem is that you want that type of life I hate the most!

-I want a family, that’s all I want…

Well, sweetie, then that’s you should have…I want to travel the world, I want to spend my nights drinking in clubs with my friends, I want to taste this life…to live it to the fullest!

I looked down…my dreams were so different…a family build on love, commitment and respect…a community where people smile to each other…a peaceful place…

I love you.

-What?

I do, that’s why…I play. I keep you away, I discourage you, I make you feel like you don’t belong into my world…One day, when you’ll have that family you dream of, you’ll understand…

I want to be sixteen again. And I want him to be 22 again.

I want to say “I love you too” instead of looking away.

I want that kiss we never shared.

I want…

I want him to be alive.

Today I’m sad and I pretend I don’t know why. I pretend I’m tired, I read too much and that’s why my eyes have traces of tears…

Six months ago, on march 21, he died.

And I was just thinking…I lost too many people. It’s like I’ve been to war my whole life. And I want him to see…

We both made our dreams come true. We both lived the lives we wanted. I’m still here. Where is he?

And I want to be sixteen again. Just for today.