Days like these, no one should be alone…

She smiles all the time, even through tears, and I try to hide this salty water in my eyes. A river of little diamonds in her eyes, my own heart invaded by her light. I never saw her so beautiful, shining so bright. The “lady with the pigeons”, as I called her as a child, a sweet soul, always gentle, always kind and loving, always alone…

Do you see? Can you understand now how blessed you truly are? 

I do understand it in my mind…the heart is the one that never seems to have enough. But this isn’t about me, not now.

Have you missed someone so hard, so deep that it cuts through your soul and you know you’ll never be the same? Have you carried long conversations with him in your mind or have you ever smiled in the mirror, trying a new dress and imagining you’re wearing it for him?

A long distance relationship can make you live in an imaginary world, I know it too well. When you love so much, with everything in you…so much that it hurts…

You promise yourself you’ll be kind, sweet, generous…you’ll be the perfect woman for him. You remember your fights but you can’t recall the reasons behind them. And if you do, what sense do they have? He left. And the world is expecting from you to move on.

No…not the whole world. There will always be people willing to hold your hand and to listen to your stories. They will cry with you, they will say the right words. They will care.

I still love him. Even if he’s there, happy and free. He asks me, from time to time, how I feel and I never tell him the truth. But he knows somehow, I see it in his eyes, I feel it in his embrace. And one day we’ll be together and that day it’s close…so close! 

She looks up to the skies above.

Do you see that heart shaped cloud? Every time I talk about my feelings for him…There are signs everywhere, but we are too blind to see. So…what if I only talk to him in my mind? What if he only embraces me in my dreams? What if he’s there…in Heaven? We are still in love. 

She smiles through this hard story and I try to smile too. This golden ray of light that just appeared seems to gently touch her face and a white feather just laid on her palm, brought by a sudden warm wind.

See? Signs…It wont be long now…what’s a few weeks? I never cried, well…a little, when my hair fell down…but even there I knew I am loved. And I knew that I’m close. My love is waiting for me.

She asks me to come closer to her bed. She can’t talk loud, so she whispers. Her pain is visible but she wont let go my hand. Not until I’ll listen. Not until I’ll learn it by heart.

I wanted to see you because I have a message for you. A message from the place I’m going. And it’s important for you to know…

These days no one should be alone, no one should spend these precious moments turning love into drama and tragedy.  Our last days on this Earth…is not safe for any of us to wander by themselves…carrying their hearts like torches ready to burn everything around…

So, FORGIVE. And LOVE. Turn your brokenness into HOPE. Just…BELIEVE…

And she left. Sometimes, when I think of her, a white feather appears out of nowhere and the wind changes the shape of the clouds into big, white, fluffy wings…

 

Homeless, hopeless, restless…(Why can’t you see that I’m in love?)

She’s listening to his songs again and again.

She needs to be cradled, she dreams to be held. She imagines that he’s singing for her and she cries because of the song’s sad notes. Any moment now the music will stop and he’ll come back to her…

But he never returns. His eyes are empty, no expression, no sparks. And she hates him. No, hate was never the opposite of love. Not for her…She invented hate as a form of love, a disturbed, dark way for her heart to survive.

He doesn’t know because they speak different languages. She never got to learn his and he didn’t understood hers. Through screams, tears, hurt and resentment, they never sang together…

So she dies inside, every day a little more. She would have followed him to the darkness of hell,  just to bring him back home. If only…

Why can’t you see that I’m in love, why can’t you feel when I am hurting?

Some day…when this old piano will stop playing its sad notes…when the only music will be played through the beatings of our hearts,

You’ll see me standing there, tears streaming down my face, broken and lost,

Needing, craving, aching, lusting, dreaming…to be held

So, with sparks in your eyes, you’ll reach out to touch me…

But you see, my love…that’s not me, standing there…I’m long gone…

What you saw is just a mirror… your soul’s reflection. 

 

 

 

I wont always be there…

The cruel sound of the alarm along with the hottest and the brightest sun rays should be enough…

-I’m going…I’m leaving now…right now…Is it 7 already? I have to walk the dog…and breakfast and you…you need a shirt…for work…

He pulls me closer and we’re both laughing of my playful struggle to free myself from his arms. His soft whispers in my ear bring goose bumps on my skin and he knows. Oh, how he knows…

No…what I really need…is right here in my arms…Stay…

-but…

-no “buts” today…nor tomorrow…nor always…stop running and enjoy…the peace.

He turns my face so now I can see the morning sky reflected in his blue eyes. 

Peace…you say?

-yes…the war is over. For ever…and if you’ll ever start another war, my sweetheart…

what? what will you do?

He has that hunger in his eyes…that fire…I can’t remember when was the last time I saw it. How did it happen…how did his eyes became so empty…and now…now I’m ruining this moment with my tears…

honey…

-don’t mind me…I’m just being silly…I’m afraid to be happy again…

He stops me from talking with the softest kiss…The fire in his eyes is pure light now. 

just lay here, in my arms…it is a certitude that I’ll fail…and I wont promise to always be what you need me to be…it would be a lie…I will make you cry again and I’ll hate myself after…but if you just lay with me now…

He’s wiping away his own tears.

damn it, babe…you’re my peace! don’t ever walk away…

He’s calling my name. Have I fell asleep again? He’s upset…why is he always so upset…we were just…

-Look, if you don’t want to walk the dog, I’ll do it, it’s okay. But I need that shirt and it’s getting late.

Tears are running down my face, but he can’t see.

-I fell asleep, sorry…

My heart is so heavy and all my protective walls have tumbled down. And I’m in the middle of the war, here on this battlefield we used to call HOME. Helpless, defenseless, scared and alone. Suddenly, everything hurts.

Everything. Even the warm sunshine, even the smiles on my neighbors faces. Even life.

A white pigeon flies so close to my face, it almost touches me. I didn’t saw the car, I just heard the breaks and I screamed in the anticipation of the impact. But it didn’t happen.

Be careful, we only have one life. 

I wont always be there for you. I’m here right now, willing to stay, willing to love you. So why wont you love me back?

Let it be peace upon all the loving hearts tonight.

 

 

 

If you feel you can’t wait ’till morning…

Just another sleepless night and I had to come to you. Love was never easy for neither of us, wasn’t it? You seem so surprised…why? After all, you know everything about losing battles, so that makes you a survivor. Do you see the irony in this?

Can I come in? Don’t be afraid, the only dark is in my soul. Or, better be…be frightened! Because I chased away all the stars and I’m carrying the darkest shade of black withing me. What you see in front of your eyes is not what you know, not what you expected, so be very afraid…

Who said you are meant to save me? Now that I’m touching your heart, I can feel how fragile it is. One simple gesture, one wrong move and it’s broken. Why are you still staying? Will you stay ’till morning comes? I need you! Will you finally open your eyes?

I finally opened my eyes. The nightmare left my skin covered in cold sweat so I’m trembling. The window is open and the darkness never seemed so deep. My Rosary is laying on the floor and my bedroom looks ravished. Wild wind…

3:03 AM

I remember my nightmare and I remember his voice. I’m doing it. Maybe I’m losing my mind, but I’m doing it.

-Stephan? I’m sorry to call you this hour, I’m sure you were sleeping and now you’re thinking I’m some lunatic…

-I…I wasn’t…how did you knew?

-What? Your voice sounds strange. I had a nightmare and…Why are you still up this late?

-I was just writing something…for you. A note.

-A note? What note? Stephan…

-It’s just that…life…and love was never easy. I lost too much already and I can’t go on. I’m sorry, you should really go to sleep, I’m not worthy…

-Listen…love wasn’t easy for neither of us and we know all about losing battles. You know what we are? Survivors! We are experts in facing our fears. But right now I am afraid, I’m frightened of losing my best friend. So, just stay with me and listen! Okay?

-Okay…I guess…

-I know that feeling when you look in the mirror and you cannot recognize yourself. All you see is the darkest shade of black…

-That’s exactly how…

-I know, I do know! You touched my heart so many times that you became a part of it. Fragile as it is, broken as you found it, you were the only one who saw its walls falling. So, no matter what…no matter how deep is your darkness…I am staying! I can be afraid of so many things, but I wont be afraid of you. And if you are in darkness, then I’ll join you there, until the morning comes!

-I think you were meant to save me…

-Only three hours are separating us from the day light. I will make sure you’re reaching the morning light safely…

Because you are meant to live. To face your fears and to learn that, beyond every lost battle, there can be a new beginning. 

And no matter how fragile we are, how deep is our inner darkness, how broken and scared we see ourselves, we’re all worthy. To embrace the morning light.

 

 

You say you’ve cried a thousand rivers

So, can you rescue me from drowning? I’ve got my own sea of tears…

And now, that you’ve found your safe place, will you remember I’m still there, in the deep, dark woods? Where silence is the only music and my voice can’t possibly reach out to you. And I still pray…

Another lifetime, a different place…the same actors. You and me. The joy of finding each other, the terrifying feeling when you thought you lost me. The desperation in your embrace…when you saw me smiling in the golden light. And you knew I’m alive…I’m still alive, how about you?

The words have a limited power…but your silence can kill…I said terrible things, I cursed, I begged, I screamed out your name…no shame in making a fool out of myself. I fought. For us and against you. Against your silence. But my voice was still the only sound piercing the silence…

I packed my bags so many times in my mind. I ran away more than I’ll ever remember…I left you and yet…I took you with me…in my pain. I died again and again trying to kill the hunger in me. My hunger for love. Your love…How funny is that…I still want more even when you give me nothing…

And if I cry now, you’ll think I’m crazy…and if I scream now, you’ll feel attacked…and if I’ll walk away now, you’ll blame the destiny. And you’ll still say nothing. But it’s alright, my dear one, maybe it’s time to blame the destiny…Because you were my destiny…

I said I’m drowning in this sea of tears. I lied…I’m already there…lying helpless at the bottom of your thousand rivers, a silent waterfall inundating my soul. The world looks so bright from the other side, my darling. And you look safe. Behind the lines of our battlefield, a strange light is covering the ruins…of what was supposed to be my shelter.

Don’t look back…the ghost of our love is still haunting you.

Don’t get lost into my eyes…you wont find peace there.

Don’t ask me absurd questions. I am enjoying the silence.

 

 

Soldier, take off your armor!

He was holding the Bible like a stone ready to be thrown…

-and put down the stone, please…

I froze…the whole church was starring at me. I looked at my husband, sitting next to me, I knew I’m embarrassing him…and all I wanted was to disappear quickly, leaving no trace, no memory…But it wasn’t the case…I spoke the words.

I looked around, searching for any help…no, this was supposed to be my battle. People around me had that amused/intrigued look in their eyes. I dared to argue with their famous preacher…

I was there for the concert…to raise founds for the children…I was tricked. They invited me in their church, acting friendly, yet distant…I heard someone saying “this is going to be interesting” and then the preacher started to…

…to spread hate. That’s all he did…And I should have walked away in the first moment…but I just stood there, I took my Rosary and I started to pray in my mind, trying to ignore…Then it was like something took control over me…and I spoke…asking him to put down the stone…

-It’s so sad that you see in our Bible a stone…And it’s making me angry! Can you see, my dear brothers and sisters? Can you see how the Catholic Church is brainwashing its people? She’s not to blame, she’s a victim, like so many others. Controlled by a wolf disguised in the softest lamb!

I tried to control the trembling of my voice. He looked straight in my eyes, waiting for a response. I looked at my Rosary…asking God to give that answer for me…through me.

And my voice sounded calm, soft, gentle.

-I wasn’t talking about the Holy Bible when I asked you to put down the stone…

-Oh, no? Let’s hear then, brothers, with an open heart…

-Thank you…I was only talking about this huge stone that’s crushing your heart. Can you put it down? Will you? In the name of God…

Someone in the audience approved me silently and someone else smiled at me. The preacher came closer and I saw something in his eyes…Was it fear? I continued in the same soft tone…

-Sometimes people forget…and it’s only human to forget…the essence of our faith. We get lost in our frustrations, in our anger, in our resentments. Do you remember the essence?

He smiled victoriously and took the Bible again in his hands, raising it up.

-Here. The Bible is the essence, the word of God!

-What about Love?

He became pale. I asked God, in my mind, to heal his heart. And then I saw his anger.

-You’re good with words, aren’t you? But that’s only natural…can you see, brothers, big words with nothing behind them. That’s their ideology…

No one approved him this time. I looked at the old lady sitting a bench away. Compassion…that was the emotion in her smile to me.

-Well, let’s see…I listened for an hour to your words. I prayed when your ideology attacked everything I love…I wasn’t going to say anything. Not a single word. But then you called yourself a soldier, so I’m asking you…who are you fighting for?

-God. I’m fighting for God.

-Are you? As a child of God…it doesn’t matter…Catholic or not…Christian or not…simply as a child of our Creator…I’m pleading with you…take off this armor of hate and look deep into your heart. And when you’ll find Him there, in your heart…you’ll also find Love and Forgiveness. And you wont have to fight anymore…only to Believe.

I turned my back and I left. I found myself almost running away, in the cold dark street. Alone, with tears on my face.

Suddenly I realized that someone is rushing to me. A girl I didn’t even saw there…she was crying.

-Please stop…this, what happen there…was so ugly! They had no right, no right at all to judge like they did. I’m sorry, please forgive me!

-Forgive you? You did nothing wrong…

-I was there and I was afraid to speak. I was a part of…that. Forgive me.

I hugged her and I assured her of all my forgiveness and love. And I knew, right then, that it all happen for a reason…

Because it’s only human to forget the essence of our faith. Love. Not religion, not an ideology, not a preacher or any other religious leader. Simply Love. 

So that our souls can be safe…

 

There’s an ocean between us…

They were fighting every night and you heard every word of hate and anger…

-Yes, I did. But I pretended that I’m sleeping in a deep deep and peaceful sleep. Adding this burden to their shoulders…that they’re keeping me from sleeping…well, it simply would have been too much!

-So, you were protecting your parents…how did you protect yourself?

I used to pretend that I don’t understand the words…that I’m from a different country…and I simply don’t speak their language. 

-But one night you heard a word that sounded the same…in their language as in yours.

No, not the same. Divorce…that was the word…for me it was tragedy.

-Tell me what happen.

I heard them fighting, I heard the word…it was 2 a.m. and I heard my mother opening the door to our balcony. And I was so afraid…I followed her to the balcony…she was crying, looking down…I thought she’ll jump…

-What did you tell her?

That I cannot imagine my life without the both of them…that if they divorce, I don’t want to live anymore. And that she has to stay for me. 

-How old were you?

I was nine…

– …and here I am, thinking, writing, dreaming…in a foreign language. With a sleep pattern from a different continent. Building relationships with people I’ll only meet on line…people from across the ocean…

He listened silently…this last part of my confession…I know it touched him deeply. He thought I’m perfect…he thought he knows me perfectly. But he asked…and I promised him honesty. If not love, let it be honesty…

I know this look on his face. I know his unspoken thoughts…”Why do you need this? Why can’t you settle with what we have?” 

You’re so far away…There’s an ocean between us…an ocean and no airplane, no helicopter, no submarine…can help you cross it. Only LOVE.

Because this ocean, we created it ourselves. First time when we pronounced the word. Divorce. But, you know, I’m still here…we did not burn every bridge…So, let’s say the right words and meet in the middle. TOGETHER.

Now that you are falling…

Can you take me to a safe place…once again? 

I looked at her bruised face, trying to remember. This girl with big, scared eyes. Looking for a way to escape an abusive relationship…I saw these eyes before, I saw these tears…long, long time ago. It was the winter of 1989…

The cold, dark street was the last place where a nine year old should have been…Still, I was there, clinging to my mother’s arm. Begging her to take me home. Caught between the angry crowd fighting against communism and the armed soldiers. No place to run, no way back…

I was told to stop crying and to be brave. No one would hurt us, we did nothing wrong. But their guns were loaded. Someone pushed me and I fell down on the frozen street. People were shouting louder and louder. Screams and the sound of shootings.

Find a refuge, a shelter. The church…the big church…They took their children in their arms and ran to the church. Then I saw her. Lost from her parents, crying so loud, bruised. I can’t remember if it was my idea or if my parents told me…but I held her tiny hand tight and she stopped crying.

And I can’t remember when or why I started to run in the opposite direction. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I remember a voice telling me that church is not a safe place…

We found her parents that way. And we found salvation. The big church closed its gates in front of the scared people. They found no shelter, no refuge. The blood of the innocents on the stairs of the church…

-You probably don’t remember me, I was only 7 back then…You told me that we’re warriors and warriors don’t cry. I idealized you in my childhood memories. You were the big sister I never had, the friend who’d never let me down, the role model…Then I found you on Facebook and I saw that you became a psychologist. And this gave me the courage…

-I do remember you, little warrior. The bravest child…I was shaking like a leaf, trying to be brave because my mother told me so, but in the inside…

-You do remember! You were my hero…

-A hero…we were just children, caught in the wrong time of history, in the worst place possible. Having no choice but to save our lives. Regardless of the traumas and the nightmares after…

-I still have nightmares…I dream that I’m falling and I can’t stop…How did you overcome the trauma? What’s the secret? Therapy? Faith? Love?

-Maybe all of them…Or, maybe, I simply refused to let myself be defined by my traumas.

I just wear my scars, day after day, knowing that if I get scared…if I get lost…

A heavenly voice will calm me and take me to a safe place.

 

 

I need to see!

Real emotions. Feelings. Real love in people’s eyes.

I need it to be a certitude: love still exists. It will appear like a light in lovers eyes, in their smiles or in their voices. Or maybe, the sweet way they hold each other’s hands. I don’t want metaphors. Not anymore…The blossomed cherry tree and the sweet roses will fade in the cruel evening’s wind. The white butterflies will die in the darkness of the night.

So don’t…Don’t tell me that love is a butterfly, a sweet rose petal or a sunny day…Because, if there’s anything I wont accept, that’s the ending. Love wont end. That’s why I need to see it…

-And how will you see it, if your eyes are closed? If you’re always between worlds, never truly here, never truly there. How will you have any certitude at all, if you doubt your own being. Tell me: what did you see last time when you looked into your heart?

I saw a winter that lasted four years. I saw myself frozen, alone in the cold wind. I saw my tears turning into ice crystals and piercing my soul. I saw my trembling hands closing a door. Forever. But then…I saw myself praying for that door to open again…

-The One who opened the door for you. You’re here because He loves you. So, how can you doubt Love? You don’t need to see it, you need to feel it…

That’s exactly what I mean. I need to see it in order to feel it…

-Poor child, you’re so confused. You can’t see Love in other people’s eyes, unless you have it in your heart. Do you want to keep the roses forever blossomed? And the butterflies forever alive? And the light in people’s eyes forever bright? Do you want to see real love?

I do.

-Then love. Love with all your heart, forever and a day. And forgive. Forgive yourself for the moments when the everlasting winter will kill the butterflies. They will be brought back to life again.

By the power of LOVE.

So, BE Light and you’ll see Light. And BE Love so you can see Love. Give Joy, Trust, Hope and you shall never feel alone.

The old priest smiled but in his eyes I could see he was holding back his tears. In a church full of people, why was it so hard for me to see Love? Maybe I never looked in the right direction.

So here I am, kneeling with the Rosary in my hands, willing to see deeper and beyond my everlasting winter. Willing to believe again.

Who am I without you?

I almost lost her six years ago…

I remember laying in that hospital bed, trying to cry, trying to feel…there was nothing but a dark, deep emotional void. People around me were repeating the same senseless sentences. Empty words, pointless and cruel…

“You need to be strong now…”

“Your crying is hurting her…”

“You can’t see her, if you’re in this state of mind…”

“We have no explanation for what happen, unless…maybe you’re hiding something…”

Hiding something…

I hided my tears and I replaced the pain with anger. I kept acting calm, strong and cold. I asked about my rights. I asked about her options. I started to make accusations. I demanded another medical opinion. I fought.

And in the inside…

The pain was so deep, so huge and so overwhelming that I just wanted to die. I cried till I couldn’t breath. I started to pray with desperation. I stopped believing in justice. Any kind of justice. I felt helpless, abandoned and alone…

And with her…

I held her tiny hand when no one was looking. She looked into my eyes and I knew…our story was just beginning. I told her about a beautiful place called HOME. A place of kindness and gentleness and love…a place where she will be held unconditionally. I promised her that my love will heal every wound. I smiled and it seemed that she’s smiling back.

And now…

I feel blessed for celebrating her 6’th birthday.

I can’t imagine a day without her joy, her beauty, her sense of humor, her sweet and innocent way of discovering the world.

Who am I without her? I’m grateful beyond words that I never had to find out…