How can I try to right the wrong?

“This is one of those moments. Your future may depend on your intuition. On your inner voice. This is when there are no answers, not in your books. When you, my fellow students, future colleagues, are supposed to use your talent. Your gift. So, let’s begin.”

And here I am, completely unprepared…exhausted after so many sleepless nights, emotionally drained after so many fights. I can’t be a good therapist now, when I feel I have nothing left to give. And this professor, he obviously saw the dark circles under my eyes. He probably thinks I came straight from a party. When the truth is…

The door opens and it’s too late for me to walk away. I’m about to lose everything…

I hear rumors around me. He didn’t mentioned that we need to review the chapter about psychosis. Look at the case he brought…he’s doing this intentionally. I wonder if she’s under any medication. 

I try to concentrate on the case. I can’t. All I see is a girl my age, scared, confused, with a teddy bear in her arms. Her name is Deana and she’s telling us her story so that we can present our therapeutic approach. She speaks so fast, laughing from time to time. Short laughs…I wonder if my colleagues see that she’s trying hard not to cry.

And there’s something in her eyes, in her voice that touches my heart. There’s something in that faked laugh of hers that brings tears in my eyes. And I realize…oh, how it hurts…that we’re studying her and she knows. And, for a reason I can’t understand, she’s looking at me. Straight into my eyes, with a trusty smile.

And I hear my colleagues theories and they all deserve the best grade. And it’s my turn to speak. And I’m afraid, not that I’m losing my scholarship, not that I wont pass this exam.

I’m afraid I’ll let her down. I’m afraid that her trust in me is misplaced.

“Will you please present your approach on this (very clear) case of psychosis? So that we can all go home?”

The professor’s condescendent  tone makes me aware that I already lost. So, why wouldn’t I risk it all and just speak my mind?

“She’s not a case and she’s not psychotic. Her name is Deana, she’s standing right here, in front of us, feeling lonely, humiliated, scared and lost. Hearing our theories about her. Listening how we’re going to treat her. Do we really help her now?”

The room became smaller as the silence around me made my knees tremble. Terrified looks, the sarcastic smile on the professor’s face. That’s it. If I’m losing my scholarship, at least I’ll do it with greatness.

The professor stares at me and I feel like I’m the case here. But he asks me to continue so I look at Deanna.

“Thank you for sharing your amazing story, it was very brave of you. Thank you. Deana, from all the people in this room, including myself, there’s only one person who holds the keys to your healing. And that person is YOU. Please tell me how can I help you in using these keys.”

She comes closer and I hear her whispering “thank you”. And, against all the rules, I go there, in front of my colleagues and I hug her.

Someone is applauding and I wonder how much sarcasm I can stand…

“You see, fellow students, Deana is, indeed, not a case. And absolutely not psychotic. She’s just a really great actress (thank you, Deana, for participating to our little experiment). The script was about the borderline behavior. None of you even mentioned this term. Everyone jumped to treat what cannot be treated: life. Except for our idealist colleague. My dear, allow me to encourage your emphatic approach, but the harsh reality is that your hugs wont right the wrongs of life. It’s simply not enough…”

I passed the exam. And it meant nothing.

What truly mattered and still does…

is that LIFE needs to be lived, not treated. 

The wrong needs to be righted, not only observed and commented

and a hug may not be enough, but it surely is essential and meaningful.

So…this is my warm hug. And my way of saying THANK YOU, my wonderful friends from our blogging world. For all the encouragement, for all the healing words, for being here when I’m tempted to give up. For reminding me that kindness is our universal language. Thank you!

 

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With standing ovations!

Truth or Dare? Okay…don’t say I didn’t warned you! So, when was the last time you did it?

I looked at his playful, sparkling eyes and I started to laugh from the bottom of my heart. Like I didn’t laughed for years…

-Oh, God!!! Look at me, I cry from all this laughing! You made me cry!!!

Well…you’re also red like a tomato! Dirty mind! I was only asking about the last time you hugged your favorite toy! A toy…like a child’s toy, you know? Not what you imagine!

Without thinking, without analyzing, I found myself hugging him tight. So tight, like I was about to lose him…

-Right now! I’m the happiest child in the entire world! And I’m hugging my favorite toy!

Okay, kiddo…the toy feels pretty happy too…even if…a bit awkward being objectified like I’ve just been…Nooo! Don’t let go!

-I wish…

A part of me just wanted to say the words. But that part…never wins. That part of me brought me here…and still, it never wins.

That was a good start. You wish. And now…tears. Don’t cry! Anything you wish, it’s yours! 

-Can I make a list?

Only if you stop crying.

How do I tell him, without breaking the magic? How do I say the words? No…

I know…it makes me cry too…almost. But I never cry, just like you never stop playing your role. You’re always on the stage, the lights are on you and you’re charming! The curtains never fall and when they do…you just pretend you’re still on the stage. So that you can continue playing…

-You’re hurting me.

Why? 

-You just called me “fake”!

I called you “desperate”…

-Whatever…I was wrong to come here. You know nothing about me. Nothing!

I know what you wish…

-Really? Let’s see…

You wish you could love him. Just like you pretend, in your every waking hour. Just like you play it…so damn well, with so much talent and dedication. Don’t worry. Lights are still on. Go back to the stage, the public is waiting. With standing ovations.

I woke up. The bed was empty. So was my heart.

 

 

When words are all we have…

His words pierced the silence “Oh, if I only had a gun!” and, for a moment, she looked at me with her blurry eyes, in an unspoken prayer…

-Miss, please…

The falling rain was simply aggravating my own sensation of sickness. The dirt, the stains of blood on her clothes, the horrible smell of alcohol, her hand touching my arm…

Her hand clinging to my arm. It was enough to drive him over the edge. He pushed her and she fell down on her knees. In the mud.

“As I said, if I only had a gun…”

-Please don’t say that, you don’t know what you’re talking about! I could be…her.

Come on, honey…

-Do you remember that storm, that terrible storm in Budapest…

…we were there, laughing and talking and the sky was sunny and clear. It happened so fast, twenty minutes or even less. I found myself running terrified with our baby in my arms. I fell…my clothes were wet, filled with mud…our baby girl started to cry desperately…

…a branch fell and hit me and I saw the blood running down my forehead. I was afraid I’ll die there. Trees were falling, a chair almost hit the baby and you were nowhere…

…and I begged for help, with tears in my eyes, knowing that they can’t understand me…like I can’t understand them…I was just a stranger with clothes covered in mud, with a baby in my arms, scared, desperate, hurt…

WHAT IF THEY HAD A GUN?

“You are being melodramatic.”

…someone came with a blanket and they took us into their home. Without understanding our language, they gave us dry clothes, a glass of hot milk for our girl, toys, cookies…they helped me clean the mud and the wound on my forehead. And then you came…

“And I thanked them, remember? I offered them money but they refused.”

…that old lady hugged me.

“Babe, that’s irrelevant. I mean…well, why do I bother anyway? If that stinky creature touches you again, she’ll wish I had a gun!”

With blurry eyes, the woman pointed at me in a silent prayer. So I went to her and I helped her stand. I gave her my umbrella and the little money I had over me.

She said nothing. Then suddenly and unexpectedly she spitted towards him.

“Great, just great…Where’s that GUN when I need it!!”

-You have a gun. Please don’t use it to hurt an innocent one…

“So now I have a gun? Where is it? And where’s the innocent one in all this?”

Your words are your strongest and most dangerous weapon. They can create hate…So, please, don’t use them to hurt someone. That someone could be ME someday. Or YOU. 

So, why are we wasting time when we have so many bridges to re-build? Through words, because that’s all we have left to give…

 

 

Tonight, for the first time…

His fingers were warm and their gentle pressure on my lips made my heart race. The smell of tobacco filled my lungs, a sweet intoxicating scent, making me painfully aware that I’m on foreign territory.

He wanted me to stop. His simple question needed an honest answer, but all I was able to offer were my pathetic attempts to explain, to make excuses, to make a fool out of myself…And he was right, I needed to stop.

“Why are you here?”

He repeated the question with an almost childlike curiosity. His fingers were slowly lowering the pressure and I was relieved…I took a deep breath. His eyes were glowing in the darkness…the eyes of a predator. My lips were burning, the absence of his touch became unbearable.

“I’m here because…I needed a place to escape.”

He came closer and the anticipation made my knees tremble. If he were a hunter, I’d probably had no chance…is he a hunter? Am I his prey? A sudden move and our fingers crossed. My wedding ring was burning on my finger. The circle of trust…

“Does he love you?”

“He thinks he does.”

I whispered the words so desperately that the pain became physical. The wall behind me was cold…If I’d say one more word…The fire in his eyes burned my exposed soul. He knew how to read me and he knew I can’t lie…And it seemed to be enough…

“But you need more. And you know better, isn’t it?”

I looked down, trying hard not to cry. Not to be the lonely child, the lost little girl, the broken one. He let go of my hands and I covered my face. This stranger. This room. This darkness. This emptiness inside me. I wasn’t ready to face them all…

“I just…want him to…make me feel like…”

He made me look into his eyes. His deep dark eyes, filled with empty promises. Or maybe…had I just seen the reflection of my own heart? He cupped my face so there was no where to run. No place to look away…

Then he laughed. A bitter laugh.

“A woman’s greatest desire is to feel desired. That simple. You hide behind words but all you really need is to feel like you’re the only one for him.”

He wiped away my tears so tenderly, so slowly, like all the tension before was just a mask. To protect himself from more heartache. To protect me from my own self destructive decisions.

“So maybe it’s time for you to go home and to tell him how you really feel.”

“Who are you?”

“Just consider me…your conscience. Or better…your guardian angel tonight. Just for tonight.”

So I’m leaving the chat room and I’m closing my laptop.

And tonight, for the first time, I’m not looking at my life with anger, resentment, fear or sadness. I remember our best moments and I hope…

I hope to see the light in our sunset…

Do you love him as much as I love her?

Do you love him? Are you happy…as happy as I was with her? Do you fall asleep with a smile? A smile I knew so well…

I hug him tight, trying to feel every heartbeat. A desperate attempt to silence the crying within our hearts. Two lost souls, both searching for peace. He lost her long ago. I’m losing him every day. Little by little, with every embrace I’m not sharing, with every tear I’m hiding away, with every “I love you” not meant to be his…

I remember her singing and laughing, she had the sweetest voice I ever heard. What was the last song that touched your heart? And the reason for your sweet laughter…can you remember…the last time you look into his eyes and smiled with all your heart?

I never laugh…and his songs don’t touch my heart anymore. Why is he singing? If no one listens…does he imagine that my heart still sings with him? That I’m still waiting?

I lost her when I stopped singing for her.

I lost him when I closed my heart to him.

I left her while she was so deeply in love with me.

I gave up on our love while he still believed we can make it.

Look at me…I’m the same boy you fell for…love him once again.

Look at me, the woman in me is still laughing and singing. But you can’t hear her, don’t you? And you don’t want her anymore…You miss…

I miss my girl.

I want my man.

We hardly remember each other. So, while our memories are still burning inside our souls…

Can we create new ones?

Would you help me stand?

In the sweet candle’s light even the sound of music seemed to descend straight from heaven. And their love was visible, a halo of light…oh, how blessed was I just to be near them…

He was holding her hand with so much tenderness and she laid her head on his shoulder. He kissed her hair and they both laughed. And I knew I had to say something, just to prevent this magic from being broke.

-I’m so sorry for starring at you two…but you look so happy together. The way you look at each other, almost like you complete each other’s thoughts…I’m amazed and happy that a love like yours still exists!

They thanked me warmly and I knew I’m right. This love I’m seeing in front of me is real. True and honest. Unbreakable and pure. He will be there for her for an eternity. She will love him with all she has in her for more than a lifetime.

I wanted to ask them what’s their secret but I stopped. She was wearing the Miraculous Medal…is it faith? The guarantee that her love will remain untouched by time and sorrows…He was playing with a small fluffy heart that he bought for her, knowing she still adores soft toys. Then he saw the little red rose on the table and arranged the flower in her hair, smiling when she discovered his work of art…

So…is it tenderness? Keeping the inner child alive? Laughing together? Seeing the best in each other, no matter what? Saying I love you in more than one way? Even without words or especially without words? Is it…all?

Can we have it all? Just for a day? Like it was before?

He whispered something in her ear and she suddenly looked straight in my eyes. And I looked down, ashamed and frightened. But her voice spoke to my heart, like no other…

Why don’t you dance? Listen to this soft music, look at the stars above us, feel the warmth of so many white candles around us…Dance with him. Ask him to help you stand if you feel like falling…

-So…what nightmare did you had this time? You fell asleep for like…five minutes…and look at this pillow…all wet from your tears. What was it this time?

It wasn’t a nightmare, I had a vision. It was a message and I need…

-You have a sunstroke, not visions, not messages! No wonder you have nightmares, listen to this music, so loud…

-Listen to me, please. I went back in time and I saw us, when we were young…we were around 21…that vacation when you proposed me…remember? You bought me that fluffy heart? How could you forget? Remember how I was always wearing the Miraculous Medal and…remember that rose that you put in my hair?

-What rose…oh, my God…I almost forgot about it! The rose faded away and you were still wearing it…How could you dream such thing? It was…ages ago!

-I know! Listen to the music, it’s our song! I want to dance…

-Honey, you can’t even stand…

-Help me stand, please…Would you? 

And then…dance with me till the end of times. Even if I feel like falling. Especially then. Dance me back to life, all over again.

 

Days like these, no one should be alone…

She smiles all the time, even through tears, and I try to hide this salty water in my eyes. A river of little diamonds in her eyes, my own heart invaded by her light. I never saw her so beautiful, shining so bright. The “lady with the pigeons”, as I called her as a child, a sweet soul, always gentle, always kind and loving, always alone…

Do you see? Can you understand now how blessed you truly are? 

I do understand it in my mind…the heart is the one that never seems to have enough. But this isn’t about me, not now.

Have you missed someone so hard, so deep that it cuts through your soul and you know you’ll never be the same? Have you carried long conversations with him in your mind or have you ever smiled in the mirror, trying a new dress and imagining you’re wearing it for him?

A long distance relationship can make you live in an imaginary world, I know it too well. When you love so much, with everything in you…so much that it hurts…

You promise yourself you’ll be kind, sweet, generous…you’ll be the perfect woman for him. You remember your fights but you can’t recall the reasons behind them. And if you do, what sense do they have? He left. And the world is expecting from you to move on.

No…not the whole world. There will always be people willing to hold your hand and to listen to your stories. They will cry with you, they will say the right words. They will care.

I still love him. Even if he’s there, happy and free. He asks me, from time to time, how I feel and I never tell him the truth. But he knows somehow, I see it in his eyes, I feel it in his embrace. And one day we’ll be together and that day it’s close…so close! 

She looks up to the skies above.

Do you see that heart shaped cloud? Every time I talk about my feelings for him…There are signs everywhere, but we are too blind to see. So…what if I only talk to him in my mind? What if he only embraces me in my dreams? What if he’s there…in Heaven? We are still in love. 

She smiles through this hard story and I try to smile too. This golden ray of light that just appeared seems to gently touch her face and a white feather just laid on her palm, brought by a sudden warm wind.

See? Signs…It wont be long now…what’s a few weeks? I never cried, well…a little, when my hair fell down…but even there I knew I am loved. And I knew that I’m close. My love is waiting for me.

She asks me to come closer to her bed. She can’t talk loud, so she whispers. Her pain is visible but she wont let go my hand. Not until I’ll listen. Not until I’ll learn it by heart.

I wanted to see you because I have a message for you. A message from the place I’m going. And it’s important for you to know…

These days no one should be alone, no one should spend these precious moments turning love into drama and tragedy.  Our last days on this Earth…is not safe for any of us to wander by themselves…carrying their hearts like torches ready to burn everything around…

So, FORGIVE. And LOVE. Turn your brokenness into HOPE. Just…BELIEVE…

And she left. Sometimes, when I think of her, a white feather appears out of nowhere and the wind changes the shape of the clouds into big, white, fluffy wings…

 

Homeless, hopeless, restless…(Why can’t you see that I’m in love?)

She’s listening to his songs again and again.

She needs to be cradled, she dreams to be held. She imagines that he’s singing for her and she cries because of the song’s sad notes. Any moment now the music will stop and he’ll come back to her…

But he never returns. His eyes are empty, no expression, no sparks. And she hates him. No, hate was never the opposite of love. Not for her…She invented hate as a form of love, a disturbed, dark way for her heart to survive.

He doesn’t know because they speak different languages. She never got to learn his and he didn’t understood hers. Through screams, tears, hurt and resentment, they never sang together…

So she dies inside, every day a little more. She would have followed him to the darkness of hell,  just to bring him back home. If only…

Why can’t you see that I’m in love, why can’t you feel when I am hurting?

Some day…when this old piano will stop playing its sad notes…when the only music will be played through the beatings of our hearts,

You’ll see me standing there, tears streaming down my face, broken and lost,

Needing, craving, aching, lusting, dreaming…to be held

So, with sparks in your eyes, you’ll reach out to touch me…

But you see, my love…that’s not me, standing there…I’m long gone…

What you saw is just a mirror… your soul’s reflection. 

 

 

 

I wont always be there…

The cruel sound of the alarm along with the hottest and the brightest sun rays should be enough…

-I’m going…I’m leaving now…right now…Is it 7 already? I have to walk the dog…and breakfast and you…you need a shirt…for work…

He pulls me closer and we’re both laughing of my playful struggle to free myself from his arms. His soft whispers in my ear bring goose bumps on my skin and he knows. Oh, how he knows…

No…what I really need…is right here in my arms…Stay…

-but…

-no “buts” today…nor tomorrow…nor always…stop running and enjoy…the peace.

He turns my face so now I can see the morning sky reflected in his blue eyes. 

Peace…you say?

-yes…the war is over. For ever…and if you’ll ever start another war, my sweetheart…

what? what will you do?

He has that hunger in his eyes…that fire…I can’t remember when was the last time I saw it. How did it happen…how did his eyes became so empty…and now…now I’m ruining this moment with my tears…

honey…

-don’t mind me…I’m just being silly…I’m afraid to be happy again…

He stops me from talking with the softest kiss…The fire in his eyes is pure light now. 

just lay here, in my arms…it is a certitude that I’ll fail…and I wont promise to always be what you need me to be…it would be a lie…I will make you cry again and I’ll hate myself after…but if you just lay with me now…

He’s wiping away his own tears.

damn it, babe…you’re my peace! don’t ever walk away…

He’s calling my name. Have I fell asleep again? He’s upset…why is he always so upset…we were just…

-Look, if you don’t want to walk the dog, I’ll do it, it’s okay. But I need that shirt and it’s getting late.

Tears are running down my face, but he can’t see.

-I fell asleep, sorry…

My heart is so heavy and all my protective walls have tumbled down. And I’m in the middle of the war, here on this battlefield we used to call HOME. Helpless, defenseless, scared and alone. Suddenly, everything hurts.

Everything. Even the warm sunshine, even the smiles on my neighbors faces. Even life.

A white pigeon flies so close to my face, it almost touches me. I didn’t saw the car, I just heard the breaks and I screamed in the anticipation of the impact. But it didn’t happen.

Be careful, we only have one life. 

I wont always be there for you. I’m here right now, willing to stay, willing to love you. So why wont you love me back?

Let it be peace upon all the loving hearts tonight.