The type of beauty I call Supreme…

v-sude-ulyukaevu-peredali-belye-rozy-ot-poklonnicy-106910Let me tell you the happiest story ever…

It started with a burning violin that kept playing its notes in and beyond death. We are more than flesh and bones so we need to love deeper. And this sweet song it’s still in my ears even if my every love note is burned and bruised.

You’re not powerless, he told me when my mourns reached the limits of faith and hope. My burning violin turned into ashes and my voice silenced by the dark smoke. We are more than shadows and our prayers are more than bitter pleads for life!

I was scared, so scared for both of us! When there’s no music, how will love grow? But my soul is more than a frail flower fading away in an endless void. So it’s worth fighting for! He promised to wait for me, even if it takes a lifetime. For me to find my way home.

And while I struggled, trembled, screamed and agonized in the flames of my burning violin, he took the ashes and buried them in sacred ground. And he just knelt and kissed the traces of my steps. But oh, in my blindness, I was still dancing wild dances, playing with words and destinies.

He forgave me for always crying and always lying. For running away and breaking walls, boundaries, bridges and hearts! For tearing pages and for scratching walls with bare hands, until my skin was bleeding and his voice was drowning in tears.

And there was never a storm so wild like the one in my heart! And I never truly learned how to dance through thunders and lightnings! Am I enough? Am I still beautiful? Am I yours? Will I ever be…

He was sad when he took my hand, leading me to the place where the ashes of my burning violin were peacefully resting. He was tired and lonely. He’s only human and this love was poison and venom. He was dying…

Is this what you’ve been searching?

And the white rose shined even brighter in my hands.

How? And why? And when…But he silenced my lips and sealed the secret for eternity.

While you were dancing your wild dances…

While you were shouting your helpless anger to the skies above…

While you broke walls and boundaries, hearts and bridges…

This flower grew from the ashes of your burning violin. And I was blessed to nurture it with my tears. For you, my love.

I knelt in front of the bright white rose. I kissed the sacred ground and the eyes that nurtured the tiny seed of hope. The eyes that gave away their light, just to find me in my darkness…I promised to heal his blindness, so he could finally see the power of this reborn song of life. The renewed promise needed a name…

I called it Beautiful. I called it Supreme. I called it LOVE.

 

 

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The weakness in my faith…

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The yellowed eyes demon grinned with an undisguised superiority.

So illogical and so foolish, but I admit, it was funny! Now, seeing you crawling, really doesn’t humor me anymore. You are becoming boring and predictable. Your bravery is nothing but a pathetic attempt and your faith is nothing but a joke. LOL, as you, human creatures love to say.”

I could see myself, really clear, like from a mirror, but this image was so different from what I hoped it would be. Naked and ashamed, frightened and fearful, broken and frail. Searching desperately for a sign.

“Oh, are you looking for this?”

He pushed away my burning Bible, laughing cruelly at the sight of my bloody hands, trying to gather the broken pages.

“Ashes and smoke! And you thought this was your shelter! Your salvation! Is this how you’re going to fight me?”

I wasn’t going to answer. My mind was feverishly searching for the moment when I fell.

“Let me remind you. You came to me, holding your book like a sword, so proudly parading with your faith and your light and your love! LOL again! You were so easy, too easily to defeat. Look at you now, where is your shelter? Poor creature, created by an absent Creator!”

That’s when I understood. My choice was wrong from the very moment when I decided to be in control. My supremacy was nothing but a trap and I fell right in it. The hunter turned into a weak prey and that’s only because I forgot…

To ask for help…

To invoke His love and protection…

To see myself the way I truly am…

naked, broken and afraid.

The yellowed eyes demon raised his black sword upon me.

“If you only knew the power of your lowliness, you’d be brighter than the stars. You would be the one holding the sword of faith upon me.”

I closed my eyes, ready for a blow that never came.

“I’m not meant to break your wings, foolish human creature. Why would I, when you are so good on doing this for yourself! Even so, the lesson remains and the warning stays.”

See yourself for who you really are. 

Broken, naked, burned or beaten.

Frightened, fearful, hopeless or ashamed.

You are still beautiful because He sees you this way…

Thank you, Father, for always seeing the beauty in us, your beloved children.

 

 

Beyond the city lights

mirando-la-lunaWould you believe if I’d tell you that every rain drop carries a lost story? A tale about a long forgotten romance, just like ours? Always about us.

The city just turned its lights on, it’s raining with golden glitters.

A cruel reminder every night, in every light, in every window…that life goes on with or without you and me, in or out of pain, before or after our hurricanes.

Would you kiss my lips in the purring rain, knowing I have nothing left to give? Nothing but an everlasting longing for more…Always more, always you.

But you…you barely see the light that’s fading away in my eyes. A cruel reminder that we’re only passengers in each other’s lives.

Would you cry for me when the shadows are taking me away, so far away…and it’s not the life that I’ll be missing, but love…? Always alone, oblivious of the blessing in this curse.

One last secret escaped my dry heart…

There’s love beyond the city lights, but my wings will never be that strong and wide, so I’ll embrace him with my soul, giving myself to him in an eternity of tenderness.

The time is running short now, glitters and glows mean nothing under an unforgiving sky. There are blessings disguised into these abysses, there’s an eternal destination in every broken dream.

I have an empty page waiting for you. Imperfect but real. Make it complete.

So…if I’d tell you that I see and I know what future holds for us, beyond the city lights…

Would you believe me?

Please don’t.

 

 

The source of the image: http://wikimujer.com/mujer/actualidad/cuando-conviene-cortarte-el-cabello-quedar-embarazada-o-hacer-dieta-preguntale-a-la-luna-faseslunares.html

 

 

 

 

When there’s no one left to blame…

11Just hold me tight and forgive me. Please don’t tell me there’s nothing to forgive…I judged you in my mind. I offended you in thousand unspoken words. I called you unspeakable names. I am guilty.

Just talk to me softly and let me cry. Please don’t tell me I have no reasons to cry…I caused you pain, I broke your heart and left it bleeding. I rejected your pleads, I denied you my kindness. I am guilty.

Just take my hand in yours and say it’s alright. Please don’t ask me to believe, I know you’re lying…We’ll never be alright because I created a disaster. I accused you of unimaginable crimes. I played the jury and I pronounced the sentence.

I killed our love. I am guilty.

Silence is my punishment and I take it with dignity. See, I’m not crying! See, I’m not begging! See, I’m not dying!

But I miss you terribly…

And there are so many things in my world that you don’t know…

The grass is greener than ever, it smells so fresh and new. It’s silky when you touch it and the wind creates amazing songs through the yellow fields…

A little white butterfly landed on my fingers this morning. His wings barely touched my skin, but I saw it as a gift from heaven. Above me, there was a tear-shaped cloud. Birds were flying so free, in perfect harmony…

A baby boy hugged me today. He just came to me with open arms, smiling. It filled my soul with so much love! How I wish…

So many thing that remind me of us. The perfect ring…I saw it, it fitted perfectly on my finger. I was so sad to put it back and leave the store with an empty heart…

The book I found today was about us. A fiction story, different names, but it was all about us! He was exactly like you…I was like her, just that…she would never be guilty like me. I closed the book and I cried inside.

The radio is playing our songs on and on, I can’t stop it! And on the news, they spoke about things we used to talk about…And they were wrong, I only believe you, only you!

Please hold me tight and forgive me. I didn’t meant to break the silence. You know me, you know how childish and stubborn I can be, but it’s my pain that makes me cross the line. Forgive me.

And maybe, when there will be no one left to blame, I’ll be able to forgive myself too.

For now, I need to cast the blame and it wont be you, it cannot be you!

Because I love you.

So it’s me…

I am guilty.

 

 

The source of the picture: https://www.shutterstock.com/video/clip-6258740-stock-footage-girl-with-butterfly-close-up.html

 

Why do we go there?

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I pushed the door with all the strength I still had in my arms, praying that, behind it, I could find some rest. But the small room was dark and the only bench I saw seemed broken. It didn’t mattered anyway, after more than two hundred stairs I already climbed, another seventeen more to go…

That’s when I saw him, starring at me, with disapproval in his eyes.

-I know is forbidden for visitors, but I need to sit down for a moment. My heart is racing from all the stairs I climbed.  

-Why did you? Yes, it is forbidden, due to safety reasons. Of course, tourists never cared about safety. Really, you’re risking a heart attack just for that selfie you’re going to post on Instagram? Is it worthy?

In my mind, I decided that this guard is the most impolite and annoying person I ever met so I’m going to ignore him. Still, his English was above the average and he had a certain sadness. How was I supposed to ignore that?

-I guess you work here, right? So…more tickets, more money on your paycheck? Shouldn’t you encourage tourists instead of judging? Anyway, I’d better be going…

-I wasn’t judging…

-Yes, you were! And you were also very rude and impolite. I’ll probably never see you again in my life, but just for the record…I’m not climbing there just to take a selfie. 

-Why do you?

-None of your business. And for the hospitality…thanks for nothing.

I walked out of the small room, trying to breath. The stairs kept getting narrower and more inclined. I leaned upon the wall behind me. “I wont make it to the top.”

-Yes you will. I’ll help you, give me your hand. Come on, I climbed the tower like hundred times, I know all the tricks.

The warmth in his voice had something so familiar and sweet, like a song I always knew. Was it from my dreams? A complete stranger, restoring my lost faith in humanity…it happened so many times before, almost like a sign from above. A sign that I’m never alone.

-So, why do you?

-Uhm…what?

-Why do you climb the impossible stairs? I have to, I’m a guide…

-Oh, you’re a tourist guide? That’s great, maybe you know a place to rest? I found a small room before, but the guard was so impolite, you cannot imagine!

-Don’t mind him! He’s just bored and cranky…an eternity of guarding these empty walls can do that to you. But you did not answered. Why do you?

-Why not?

He stopped for a moment and let  go of my hand. Then, briefly, he excused himself and ran down the stairs.

A frail ray of light gave me hope. I’m almost there!

-What’s there?

The little girl’s voice took me by complete surprise. And it made me smile, thinking of my own children.

-Hi, look at you! Your dress is so pretty! You look like a little princess!

-I am a princess!

-Well, of course you are! My little girl says the same! 

-What’s there? Up there?

There’s a tower and you can see the whole town! But please don’t go there by yourself, wait for your parents. Where are they?

-Why do you go there?

-For the view! It’s amazing!

-I don’t believe you.

And she ran down stairs, letting me more confused than ever. I looked at the frail ray of light, I watched it fade away in tears.

“I go there for a feeling I lost long ago. For freedom. Because there, in the highest tower, I gave it away. I want it back. See, long ago, I thought that freedom is the price for love…

And now I forgot how it feels…

…to open my wings and to fly high,

to open my arms and to embrace more than a shadow,

to open my heart without the fear of being rejected.

In front of my eyes, the blue immensity was sunny and warmth. The sky smiled at me and the town was brighter than ever. Freedom and love…they were always here, always with me, in me…

Locked in the highest tower of my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Before you hit the ground…

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“I was brought here by the power of love. For you to open your heart…to fly back in time and space. She needs to be saved…”

We were standing on the top of a mountain, on early spring. The snow was still white, but, under my bare feet, it felt warm. I knew the story by heart, I carried with me like a precious memory, a lesson of destiny, but I was wrong. And the burden made my shoulders ache, made my soul burn…

The little girl is still there, clinging to her father’s shoulders. He carried her like she were a pair of wings. But the rain was cold and frightening, awakening all the sleepy monsters, all of her fears. Afraid of falling, terrified of the highs that turn so suddenly into abysses. 

The bridge was unstable and slippery, shaking under their feet. The rain turned into storm and the coldness made her tremble. It was the dark of death that blinded her eyes. She knew, she felt the falling long before it happened. 

Because in a world where seconds turn into years, wings get cut and hearts get broken. And Children are always caught between the stormy souls of their human angels. 

Her human angel fell on the slippery bridge and the little girl -his wings- saw the abyss too close. And nothing held her anymore…nothing but her love for life, her faith in a God of mercy, her innocent hope in a brighter tomorrow.

“I was brought here by the power of an honest prayer. That’s all she was clinging to. With a storm above her and death waiting bellow, she needs her angels now.”

But…I don’t know…

…and I can’t…

…and I’m afraid…

…that I’ll hit the ground, like I do it all the time!

And this is not my mission! See, Guardian Angel, she saved herself! She got back to the bridge, with hands and feet full of bruises. She helped her father stand! She looked up to the sky with bright eyes…

He shake his head.

“No. She never saved herself. She looked up to the sky with angry eyes and with a broken heart. She may be alive now, but her trust in people, her hope for a miraculous salvation, fell and died into abyss.

And you…lost little girl…you’re still trembling every time you’re contemplating storms and highs and loneliness…

I was brought here by the power of a bright hope. Fly there, take her in your arms and keep her safe and loved.

Because no child should ever feel helpless.

I cried on the top of the mountain. Haunted by the old helpless and painful feeling.

“Don’t be scared and don’t ever forget. Before you hit the ground, there are always wings growing in your soul. And you know what’s the real miracle?”

You always knew how to fly high. 

 

 

The source of photo: http://wallpapers.ae/little-innocent-baby-girl-wallpaper.html

Just let it kill you…

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With arms wide opened, I embraced the rain and tasted the tears with dried, agonizing lips. Forgive me, tearful sky, but I’d rather hold him tight and kiss him endlessly than contemplating these scattered-gray clouds above us…

He’s here, still my best friend, still smiling and living his joyful life. I’m here, without him, missing him in everything that truly matters. And love has too many shades of gray and it tastes like a bitter-sweet poisonous honey.

We had it all, the sunny skies and the green grass, full of white flowers, angels singing our favorite songs. We touched the sky more than one time and we fell in love over and over again, thousand times in thousand perfect little moments.

I’m looking down far too often, I’m looking away every time and he noticed. He asked to see my eyes, he claimed the light he once saw in them. He’s afraid he’ll forget how the green turns into golden brown every time we laugh together. “Your eyes are different” he said, unaware of the wasted brightness, ignoring the years of tears. What a foolish way to live our lives!

It was his hand that stopped the music.

It was his voice that turned romance into drama.

It was his choices that broke my innocent love story…

And I…I confess…I tried to kill our love. Immortal, eternal, sacred and heavenly, love refused to die. I asked my angels for a sign, and they gave me this sweet rain. With heart shaped clouds that turned into purple under my teary eyes.

Be brave…they said.

…and let it kill you.

…because it will only take a spark of faith, a drop of hope into your ocean of doubts,

and you’ll be reborn.

 

 

Source of the photo: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/315674255118499069/?lp=true

Eternal light

I don’t know what time is now in Heaven, but I fell asleep crying. You said something and it felt like a premonition, remember? I don’t remember the words, but the feeling still lingers deep within me. And it made me a better person.

I guess there’s no mail box to Heaven, but I’ll write you anyway. The world misses you and they ask why. You told us to pray, to persevere in faith, even when we feel like falling. I’m sorry for not being strong enough, but, you see…your leaving left me frozen. And it made me aware.

I can only imagine the joy of your home coming. The big gates of Heaven and the family of angels, welcoming your light. I look above, like so many others, waiting to see your smile because, down here, earth is a little darker. And I’m so much lonelier.

Please pray for me when I’m weak and foolish. Inspire me to believe, be my courage and my strength when I’m tired and weary. Don’t forget us, the humble ones, blessed to be contemporary with a saint.

I don’t know what time is now on Heaven, but here in this world you left behind, it’s time to carry on our common mission. Just like you said, (-yes, now I remember!-) at the end of the day we may not be saints, but we surely can be one step closer…

In loving memory of Br. Anthony Freeman, called to his heavenly home on Easter day. Requiem aeternam, dona ei, et lux perpetua luceat ei. Requiescat in pace. Amen.

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This heart needs a second chance!

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I was there when it happened! The usual me, never really crossing the line. Happiness and misery, hope and despair, life and death, always in the middle. Always a bit of a victim, a bit of a hero, never truly myself. But, this time, I was there!

It was the forgiveness in his eyes that made the wall crumble down, so that my soul cried real tears. The door he opened for me wasn’t meant to take me to complete bliss and the road wasn’t the romantic journey I dreamed as a child. It was tough, it was painful, it was pure. It was love. It was the path to self-discovery. And I was there!

It happened so many times before, but I always missed it somehow. Blame, guilt, anger and depression. The inner voices can be so mean! The morning light can be so cruel! So I was hiding in dark places, never truly there in spirit. Only in body, and bodies are so weak. Today, for the first time, I was there, the complete me!

And I saw the light and I felt the embrace.

I was forgiven and so loved! The fears were shaken to the ground and I learned to love back. Agape…sweet Word, what made me worthy of your blessings?

I was there when he came to me, with his promises and his love.

Because He was there for me.

To love this foolish heart of mine. And to give it a second chance.

 

Life after love…

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He asked me “How’s life?” like we would be best buddies, like our paths would have never separate, like he wouldn’t know a thing about the abyss he pushed me into.

So I did what I know best: I smiled and kept my head up.

“Life’s good, like any life. Good days and bad days. Busy days mostly.”

A woman is strong by nature. Weakness, fragility, vulnerability and teary eyes…they’re out of my league. So he is. And the only regret concerns my broken illusions.

“Are you okay?” he said, but I sense no worries in his tone of voice.

“Of course I’m okay, thank you for asking. How about you?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

He’s not good, even if, for a long time, I believed in him. I thought I see a light surrounding him, like he would be an angel. I even imagined that, somehow, God speaks to me through his voice. He’s not a good person, I’m not a good reader.

He has no idea about love, I have no clue about people. End of story.

But life…oh, I know about life.

Life after love is bitter-sweet. Is a constant battle between a normal feeling of anger/pain/rejection/sadness and the joyful contemplation of a feeling so beautiful, so special and pure: love.

And love was there, in my soul, by the grace of God, not by the mercy of a man. I loved him because my heart was ready to blossom, not because of his poisoned poetry.

I loved him because I needed to love. I felt beautiful, I felt complete, my faith grew stronger and my wings reached to the starry sky. My only mistake was to believe that all these miracle were because of him. So when he took away his attention/poetry/lies I was so lost…

So lonely, so sad…(I called Heaven many times, asking about my “angel”)

But now, seeing him in front of me, I feel no pain. I guess I finally understood.

“Life after love is pretty good.”

“Excuse me?” (oh yes, let’s play pretend, let’s say you don’t understand my English)

“Well…you’ll never know, ’till you’ll try it.”

“What?”

“Love, of course. So you’d know how life feels after…”

“I can’t take this anymore.”

“Ohhh, I’m sorry, I forgot! You’re only a shadow. You don’t have life because you cannot feel love. Well, then…”

Feel free to vanish!