Confession (3)

woman-2375822_960_720I want to tell you about him.

I need this just as much as you need it…even if my confession will not (ab)solve you of this sin. Yes, you heard it right! I am the sinner, yours is the sin! Will you act like you’re shocked? I wonder…But maybe you already know.

About the taste of his lips…the perfect flavor of forbidden desires and sensual dreams, the right amount of mystery combined with pure wickedness. Was I supposed to stay in my innocently bitter world, when my body was aching and my heart was agonizing for his kiss?

About the sparks in his eyes…so dark, so deep…they starred in my soul until, desperate for more, I whispered his name like a sacred prayer and he did answer. He needed no words to ask for all…all of me…Was I supposed to lay still, in my perfect little universe, instead of falling?

About the passion…the kind of wild force that unites souls..He unfolded every layer of this restless soul, until it was raw, naked, exposed and vulnerable…and so full of beauty! Unrecognizable to myself, the girl in the mirror was smiling, shamelessly nude, unbelievably proud of the woman she turn out to be…

Was I supposed to lock this heart behind thick walls?

Was I supposed to die slowly, painfully…unaware of this electrifying sensation that keeps pulsing through my veins?

Was I supposed to be your good little trophy, laying in the dustiest corner of your interests?

I need to tell you about him, but maybe you already know. I’m cheating you in every dream, ever since you left me. I scream his name, but this ecstasy was born out of pain. Out of hate and anger. Will you despise me less if I confess…that he’s only a fantasy? Or will it be so much worse…?

Adultery is the name of this sin, so go ahead…are your stones big enough?

 

 

You can read more of my confessions here: https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2019/06/26/confession-2/

https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/confession/

 

The picture is from the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

Confession (2)

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They saw me naked and I felt no shame! It happened when my wounds were completely healed, so I felt brave and desperate at the same time. Who am I without my scars? Too lucid for the deep hours of the night, too dreamy to face the morning!

Dear God, my crazy heart knew exactly what it’s doing! I couldn’t lie, pretending it’s just one of those dreams, for my eyes were wide awake, shining with excitement! The moment was right, I was glowing in the dark, and they saw it all…

I whispered no words, no sounds of protest, while, shamelessly naked, I raised my head, knowing deep inside me that I can be anything I pretend to be! Beautiful and wild, free and innocent, loved…Yes, they applauded my new found courage and asked for more.

They saw me, my Lord, they saw it all and I liked it! I smiled while my bare shoulders felt no more weight, no more burden! I played with my hair and I walked graciously towards them, maybe too close, for I felt their cold breath beneath me…

That’s when my smile turned to tears and I tried to cover my nakedness! They remained silent while I crumbled on my knees, begging the sky to fall upon me, to dress me up in stars and gentle rain…I asked for a thunderstorm, to wipe away the memory of this painful moment…

…when I was naked, and they saw every little part of me!

Forgive me, Father, this was meant for him. For his eyes to truly see me. It was supposed to touch him somehow…My naked soul, glowing in the moonlight, my bare shoulders aching for his arms, to relieve this loneliness inside. And I was wrong, while being beautiful and innocent, wild and free!

It hurts, dear God…I may never be like this…

I was naked tonight and they saw me! The cold walls, thick and unbreakable, they saw it all! And you know what’s the saddest part?

…they were the only ones.

 

*If you want to read the first part, here is where you can find it: https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/confession/

Photo from my personal collection.

 

Confession

red-alerts-for-girls

“I have a secret to tell, please hear my confession. It’s about a sin I committed, it’s heavier than any burden I ever carried, darker than any nightmare I ever collapsed into, sinister and horrible…Please hear my confession…

I did it, Father…

I did it for the first time. 

I did it today, in the dark. 

There were no stars, only clouds above me. Did you know that, when the night settles in, the clouds become ghostly? And I’m usually afraid of ghosts. Not this time…

I was not afraid. My first time was not fearful, I did it passionately, angrily, thirsty for more. And once I was done, I wanted to start all over again! Again! More! Deeper! The hunger in me killed any common sense, every trace of shame.

It was not painful. Now I wish it would have been. Now it is. It hurts, Father. It hurts so deep, on so many levels, that the pain suffocates me and I feel my soul dying. Don’t let me die, Father…

I had a sense of pride at the sight of my blood. Small traces, nothing too dramatic. Red. Hot. Alive. My blood was my living proof that I am pure. And strong. I a more. More than an empty shell.

Father, who am I when I can’t recognize myself in the mirror? 

I did it today and no one knows. It felt good, too good. And, Father, I did not tell You the worse!

It felt normal.

And I don’t know if I want forgiveness. There are sins that need no absolution. I need more and I need different. So I pray…

for someone to notice (please, see my scars!)

for someone to care (please, ask me what’s wrong!)

for someone to tell me that I’m still worthy of love…(please, say that you love me!)

Even if I did it. Today, for the first time. 

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I cut myself today.”

 

 

 

I found the image at: http://www.adorethelife.com/5-red-alerts-advising-you-are-in-love-with-the-wrong-man/