A stranger among us! one shouted and they gathered around me. Wild and restless, with fire in their eyes, they’re more than shadows. The essence of everything we hide, the projection of every restrained reaction, the purest form of dark, set free in a hopeless attempt to feel alive. And once you cross the bridge, you’re there, in their world.
She’s here to find rest! one laughed, knowing for sure that the path is rocky, the road is twisted and the voice is wicked. I cannot lie nor hide that I’m here for a reason and this reason is stronger than my survival instinct. Because one of them holds the key to my tormented heart. I need it back so that I can fix my brokenness.
She has the eyes of a child! one whispered and they all remained silent. Innocence, what a sweet, old fashioned notion! What a powerful weapon in the face of bitterness. It was my shield and my armor when he made the walls crumble down. The one thing that shadows cannot touch, because its essence is divine.
-Don’t listen to them, just give me your hand and rest for a while, here in my arms.
And the shadows disappeared. He told me to imagine a perfect world and he created it for me. Stars in the sky and the gentle touch of the ocean on my bare feet. A gentle wind through my hair and a pure, golden light that never harms my teary eyes.
–I can make it last for ever. Our dance, our embrace, our love, I can make them eternal.
But there’s always a price when it comes to illusions. My life, my world, my values and my faith. My soul…
-You’re holding on to invisible things, believing in unreachable powers. Yet we’re real. So tell me, who’s the shadow? Aren’t you tired to feel so invisible? What’s a life worth when you dream of warmth in a frozen world?
I suddenly remember my reason. “Give me back the key, please. I need to dream again. I want to love again.”
It’s dark around us and the shadows are back to haunt me. Repeating obsessively the same words, mocking and insulting the things I believe in. Stealing little pieces of light and smashing them into the river of fire. What’s a life worth? What’s your life worth? That you cannot give away? and they shout, they scream, they yaw.
-If I give you the key, will you give away your life? A small price for feeling whole again.
And right there, looking in this yellowed eyes demon, I knew the answer.
I was whole all this time, I was complete. I wandered in dark places, holding the key right in my hands. I thought life’s cruel just because love wasn’t given to me on a silver plate. I fought the wrong battle. Against myself.
Forgive me, Lord, for I didn’t know what I was doing. Betrayed by my own pride, harmed by my own ego, I almost forgot. There’s no human measure for what’s a life’s worth. There’s no human value for a soul.
Because every life and every soul is worth the paradise itself.
NOTE: I included this post in the “Ellie – the untold story” category because it was part of a dialogue I had with her. The conclusion, thought, was added out of therapeutic purposes.