My name on Your lips

I called your name out in the dark, did you see me? My voice was breaking, so was my heart, and my search for love remained unanswered! A shadow saw me, it called me “beautiful” and “sweet” and I believed. The path was wrong, but I went there anyway. (why wouldn’t you stop me, Lord?)

I screamed your name out in the storm, did you hear me? My desperate plead for tenderness was crushed by sarcasm, and I lost myself! A stranger met me, he called me “special” and “unique” and I believed. The choice was bad, but I took it regardless. (why do you never answer, God?)

I whispered your name out in the fields, have you recognize me? My faith, dissolved by uncertainties, was hanging by a dream and vanished in thin air! A man took my hand, he called me “his” and I believed. The chains were heavy and the pain unbearable, however, I gave myself willingly. (why are you never there, when I need you the most?!)

Then it was silence. In my heart and in my prayers. And veils were lifted as answers to my plead. So now I’m here, to carry His message out in the world.

Because you know it too, deep inside your soul…

Replaced by earthly illusions, His love remains unchanged. So is His voice, calling us, through darkness, storms and deceiving paradises. How could I see Him, if I was blind? How would I listen to His calling, if I kept screaming, crying, cursing and running!

Another second chance, after  a million chances wasted away, that’s what I pray for.

To hear my name on Your lips, sweet Jesus, the day I’ll face eternity…

 

 

 

It was never me

My fingers press the burning keys with a feverish rush and He knows it. This fire burning in my chest, every time I translate my feelings into written words, only He can put out. My writings, the echoes of a restless soul, without Him, they’re meaningless.

I wanted to write about a love that’s higher than time and history, larger than the distance between earth and sky, stronger than my faith ever will. A love that my life depends on. I wanted to write, but my mind kept wandering into the garden of fears.

So I called Him. And He filled my life with miracles, even when I refused to see them. He forgave my ingratitude and gave a rest to my anxious thoughts. He loves me…

I’m not a writer, nor a poet. I’m far from perfect, and my wings are purely imaginary. I’m stubborn and shy, insecure and desperate sometimes, I’m the white sheep who fantasize to be black, and then crazily runs at the sight of a wolf. In a world full of wolves!

So when I write and words flow like rivers of healing waters, it’s Him.

And when my voice is clear and strong against injustice, it’s Him.

When I forgive the one who broke me, and I still love, against all reason,

And when I smile through tears, still saying the hopeful words, it’s Him!

My fingers press the burning keys while Love settles inside and words become Light…So, when I touch your heart, when you and me feel so connected, that I can almost feel your arms around me in a warm hug, no matter the distance, then you’ll know it too.

It was Him all along.

It was never me.

Old friend, please don’t cry!

She came into my dreams again. Her hair was longer than I remembered, black and bright, contrasting with the pale and frail aspect of her body. Dark circles and traces of tears all around her eyes, long black nails and white fingers, she came from the darkness with one purpose only: to take me there, into her world.

This time she created a tornado, covering the sky in black, smokey dust. The swirling winds destroyed the house I was in, and, just when I thought I found a safe place, she took away my loved ones, leaving me blind and empty in the middle of the field.

And, as all of this wasn’t enough, she came back the following nights. She locked me down into a small cage and threatened to push me from the edge of the cliff, then changed her mind and decided to drown me and to freeze me to death, simultaneously. So, there was I, slowly suffocating into an ocean of ice, when I opened my eyes and my mouth.

Enough is enough, old friend!

She expected a fight, so she had her black claws prepared to tear me apart, but, instead, I decided to wait with open arms.

You’re no demon, so why do you act like one?

You’re just…my anxiety. And it’s alright, I know you want to keep me safe, but I promise…WE ARE ALRIGHT!

So she crushed into my arms, crying so hard, so desperate and helpless, asking her questions in such a childlike trembling voice, that I simply forgave her for all the nightmares, all the pain and loneliness she brought into my life.

“But…what if you die? What if someone you love dies?” she asked, and I just smiled.

“But…it’s dangerous outside!” she pleaded, and I just nodded.

“He doesn’t love you, you know?” she hissed, and I just hugged her again.

I know, old friend, and it’s alright. It’s time for you to go…I promise, I will be fine!

God has my back!

 

Have faith, He told me…

grass-3336700_960_720The clock was ticking in reality.

Five minutes more, please…just five…”

His smile was my answer, along with the light flowing from his eyes into mine. Laying on the green field, the world I left behind was so far away, like a long distant dream, a place I only visited for a short while, on my way home.

“What is this place so beautiful, is it heaven? Are you an angel? Am I still alive, sleeping in my bed?”

He laughed of my childlike questions and thousand crystal bells started to dance around me. White feathers, rose petals and fluffy clouds, floating in the air. My bare feet, caressed by the silky touch of fresh grass. He put a flower in my hair…

And the clock was still ticking in reality.

Five more…”

He took my hand and helped me stand, and, in his arms, my body felt weightless, so I just knew it was always mine…the power to fly. So high, to the place where all the souls belong to, where pain and sorrow are unknown! Where I’d be loved…

“I don’t want to go back to reality, I don’t want to wake up to a world of wolves. I don’t want this love inside me turned into ice and stones! Keep me, please keep me here!”

He put his palms upon my chest and rivers of light surrounded my heart. A warm, gentle breeze went through my hair, as butterflies nested on my shoulders. I looked inside and I just saw a trembling, restless, fearful heart turned into love. Pure love…my heart became love.

And then I saw his tears, for all I was is darkness and all He gave is life.

And the clock stopped ticking in reality.

I opened my eyes to another day on the battlefield. My feet will cross over mud and fallen branches, my skin will burn from acid rain falling from the purple sky. I’ll watch the wolves tear each other again until, hurt and hungry, they’ll turn their prayers into curses. I’ll clean my wounds and, as they’ll look for new ways to bite from aching hearts, I’ll still stand strong.

And they will wonder why…

Have faith, He told me, and I listened. So I am not afraid anymore.

 

 

The photo is taken from the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

For all the flickering lights

light-3130988_960_720Like old wine, strong and seductive, his bitter-sweet smile goes beyond the cold screen, defying the obvious obstacles between them. Thirty years and a thousand oceans. All real, even if only one is made of blue, clear water.

The rest are made of fears. His and hers.

She posts lots of selfies, all from the right angle, with the right light and a positive smile. Likes, comments, compliments…she secretly doubts the honesty of their words, but still, she cannot stop herself from enjoying the attention.

With trembling hands, she sent him her favorite photo. The one where her eyes appear as greener than the summery grass.

He considers himself a man of God and this gives him a sense of pride. And a set of moral rules used as a loaded gun, pointed straight to her heart. He judges and he blames every part of her story, wrapping cruel words in humor and irony.

He shows no mercy, no compassion, no tolerance.

She considers herself an empath and that’s more of a curse than a blessing to her. That’s why she sees the flickering light inside him, that’s why she cares too much for a complete stranger, that’s why she opens up in ways she never should.

She’s dangerously vulnerable in a world made of wolves.

He blocks her and deletes all of their chats, complimenting himself for being self-righteous and strong in his faith. For, in his eyes, Christianity is nothing but a battle, a war against anyone who’s less than perfect.

He’s praying to a God that never responds and never forgives.

His rejection sends her to a place of darkness. Scarred, ugly, stupid and evil, that’s how she portraits herself in the inner mirrors. She cries, but tears offer no relief from this old, familiar pain. The wounds are open and they’re bleeding so deep, so hopelessly deep…

That’s when she starts praying. For him. And tears of joy fill her tired eyes when all she feels is a complete, miraculous, life-giving forgiveness.

She smiles to herself thinking of the labyrinth we call life. Sometimes we get lost and, in our loneliness, we do follow flickering lights. She did it, I surely did it too. But when these lights are guiding us to dark places, when all we hear are hateful words…

Oh, when faith itself is used as a gun!

That’s when we need a greater Love.

Please pray for all the flickering lights out there.

(Inspired by a real story. Thank you, T.)

 

 

The photo is from the free photo website http://www.pixabay.com

 

Before I even knew…

bright-1853624_960_720The storm was brewing inside me, chasing my hopes away, alluring me fly back to a long forgotten place.

Here, where nothing is quite as it seems and black eyes are watching behind phony mirrors.

Where snakes wear crowns of gold and lambs are trading their innocence for momentary glimpses of lust and fantasy.

Where preachers call sinners to repentance, but knees never bent and tears never fall…and promises remain unspoken.

Where hearts never break, for they were made of thin air, black smoke and ghostly wind.

And we are all the same, here in the storm. Lost souls, clinging to memories of dreams, unable to see a guiding light, falling, breaking down, crushed by the sharp edges of an icy embrace. When have we forgotten our true essence?

For we were light before becoming darkness, and we flew high before tasting the abyss. Yes, we had faith before the hate took over! And we knew love before crying our tears of blood.

I see you here, little star, calling out your demons, challenging them to a fair fight. Wild and rebellious, innocent and free, unaware of your beauty…I see you and I cry. You do remind me of myself somehow. Are you the one I cannot find in my mirrors?

It seems like a thousand years of searching…but it was all worth it. For I have found the lost girl, the little star who’s love used to change destinies. Here she is, Here I am!

For I was saved long before I even knew I need salvation…

 

 

The photo is from http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let me hold you…

68281533_2631272606903364_8485486330300596224_nLet me run my fingers through your hair, I know you remember the sweet sensation of letting go…Oh, how tense your shoulders must feel, carrying all your secret pain…So let me play with your soft curls…

Let me whisper sweet little words in your ear, I know you’re tired of all the irony and anger…Oh, how hurt you must be when only sarcasm breaks this agonizing silence…So let me whisper sweet words of love…

Let me bathe you in rose petals, I know you love the mesmerizing perfume of flowers on your bare skin…Oh, how lonely you must feel when blind eyes are starring at your naked beauty…So let me bathe you in soft petals and gentle touches…

Let me take you to a place of wonders, I know your dreams were full of colors and joy…Oh, how scared you must feel when darkness haunts you and breaks you every single night…So let me take you to a place of dreams…

I will make you feel safe, just let me hold you…

You are so lonely and so sad, so scared and tired, so hurt and desperate…

So unwanted and unloved.

But if you let me, I will hold you and you won’t feel the pain…only the peace, only the dream, only the dark…So let me hold you for the last time.

That’s how he lied and I almost believed. Too many times, in too many ways…he held me through my blindness, taking me straight into the darkest night. He promised me the safety of an eternal love, but all I’m left with are the ever-bleeding cuts and bruises.

He has so many names and he never reveals them all. What is it? Depression? Or Anxiety? Maybe Borderline? Perhaps is Bipolar? All of them and even more? He cruelly laughs while I desperately try to define it, in order to control it. He plays with notions and symptoms, while guiding me to the end of the road.

I said no today and all the lies turned to smoke.

And then I raised my tired eyes. Yes, I am loved!

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

 

Let it be YOU

Near-Death-Experience“How do you feel?” he asked in a calm, gentle voice, still holding my hand, still stroking my hair, while the claws of pain were gripping more and deeper into my chest. The thirst was slowly becoming unbearable, and air got thicker, turning my every breath into a fight for life. This is how it feels when a heart literally breaks, I heard myself thinking, but, immediately, I blamed the bitter voice from the inside.

There was no time for poetry, I was agonizing under the deep blue of his serene eyes, wondering where is the help I needed so much. My mind was memorizing the past minutes, sensations, panic, storm…a lightning and such a cruel pain in my heart, that almost left me numb. Flashing lights, a man walking towards me, all white, checking my pulse, saving me from falling into the arms of despair.

“I’m here to help you” he said, so I immediately supposed he’s a doctor. The normality, the logic, the common sense in everything we do…that’s a sign of being sane, isn’t it? Still, the ambulance was late, much too late, and the oxygen mask was nowhere, and he…he was just smiling at me, disarming my struggles, my torment, my rage.

The raindrops felt warm on my cheeks, I closed my eyes and he tried to wipe the salty water from my face, but the sweet scent of mosque on his fingers just intensified the rain. When did I start to cry and what is this purifying feeling inside me?

“How do you feel?” he asked again and, this time, it wasn’t the pain that kept me from breathing. Something higher, so graceful and holly, something that has nothing to do with pain, death, anger…that something was embracing me, healing me…loving me.

I feel grateful.

For this pain that reminds me of life as a blessing, even in the most desperate moments.

For my vulnerability…sweet prove that falling is, sometimes, the best way to learn how to rise from the ashes.

For the over-sensitivity I blamed so much, and still…this is the brightest part of me.

For my heart that breaks so easily and hurts so deep and fears, and aches, and runs…but it never stops loving…not now, nor beyond the last of its beats.

For the lessons and for the demons…they taught me to be brave in all my battles.

For the scars…for the faith that heals them…for YOU.

Yes, I am grateful for YOU.

“The storm is coming, you need a shelter” I heard Him saying just moments before miraculously taking all the pain away…

I need a shelter, we all do…Let it be YOU, sweet Jesus.

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.jashow.org/articles/what-is-a-near-death-experience/

For you too…

resilience_introI know you cried too.

The rain carried your burning tears so they would meet mine. We need to cry together more often…I whispered in the hollowing wind and I know…

I know you heard me.

It took me too long, again, and it felt like failing. Why do our most powerful feelings need so much time to turn into words?

It took me too long to reach out my hands to you. To embrace the space between us, defying distance, time, odds…history.

I know you felt it too. My arms around you.

We see the world through different eyes and, yet, our hearts bled together for the same cause. That’s all it takes. You are my family, as I am yours, united by an unbreakable bond.

Faith. We speak different languages and, yet, when my prayers stopped, you continued with yours. When my voice got weak, you raised yours, and when I blamed the sky for all the tragedy of this hopeless world…that’s when you asked for forgiveness.

In my name too…

We see the world through different veils, some chosen, some imposed. I would wear yours in a blink of the eye, if that would save me from my own! I would cover my face if that would guarantee the uncovering of my heart. But this would never happen…

And you know it too.

east-attacks-sri-lankaPeople. Religion. Churches. They build them just to take them down! They would gladly use their guns and bombs and pride…to set our souls on fire. They did it, they’ll do it again…while you and me, we learn to be more than innocent bystanders.

I know you fight too! For my cause too…

My friend…my brother…my sister…the things that unite us are stronger than hate. Even if we both need to close our eyes, in order to see each other’s hearts…That’s already a little, perfect miracle! Now take my hand, I’m here with you, willing to believe!

For you too…Because, now, we all became survivors!

 

 

 

 

The source of the images: https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2018/02/science-resilience-what-are-ingredients-help-people-cope

Deadly Attacks in Sri Lanka Target Luxury Hotels and Churches

 

The one who heals…

demon-drawing-depression-7The little girl was standing on the balcony a little too close to the edge, but, this time, sadness was stronger than fear. She always avoided the highs, the peaks, the sharp edges, the tall surfaces. Anything that would get her close to falling…

She heard the voice, louder and clearer, it brought chills to her spine, it always did. She knew she’s just a step away, but, this time, anger was stronger than panic. She wiped away her tears, there was nothing left to lose, only a life she no longer considered worthy of living…

Not like this.

So she climbed to the highest surface, the place that turns the city lights into small candles disappearing in the darkness. Her heart was spiraling into a place where love fades away in more than one overwhelming way…

You did well so far. 

She tried to silence the voice, but it was stuck somewhere inside her, part of her being, part of her darkness. Tired of fighting, tired of tears…tired of asking herself if life could be any different…she was now contemplating the falling.

It doesn’t hurt.

The voice was calm and alluring, calling her, tempting her, promising an eternity of lost memories. Her parents fighting, her father drowning in alcohol, her mother smoking, depression, panic attacks every school morning, the bullying, feeling inferior, social phobia, anorexia, abuse, poverty…Yes, that’s what she will forget!

It will be like falling asleep, all dark, all safe, all peaceful.

That’s when she realized that the voice is lying. Peaceful? she asked.

Yes, peaceful.

Like nothing bad ever happened to me?

Yes, like all the pain is taken away.

Taken away by whom? By you? she shouted.

Hey, if you are that powerful, if you are that wonderful, if you are that strong…

Than why the hell weren’t you capable of healing my life until now? Answer, answer now, or I swear, I will spend the rest of my life haunting you!

Because…

the voice was chocking, barely whispering, but the words came clear:

…because I cannot heal, I only destroy…

The little girl climbed down from the sharp edge of the balcony, back to safety. Her tears were falling free, her hair war flying in the cold midnight wind, her hands were trembling, but she stood brave.

Abuse, fears, poverty, shame, bullying, neglect, anorexia, depression…

Step by step, she will overcome every demon who crosses her path.

By the power of The One who heals.

 

 

I found the image at: https://ayoqq.org/explore/demon-drawing-depression/