Let it be YOU

Near-Death-Experience“How do you feel?” he asked in a calm, gentle voice, still holding my hand, still stroking my hair, while the claws of pain were gripping more and deeper into my chest. The thirst was slowly becoming unbearable, and air got thicker, turning my every breath into a fight for life. This is how it feels when a heart literally breaks, I heard myself thinking, but, immediately, I blamed the bitter voice from the inside.

There was no time for poetry, I was agonizing under the deep blue of his serene eyes, wondering where is the help I needed so much. My mind was memorizing the past minutes, sensations, panic, storm…a lightning and such a cruel pain in my heart, that almost left me numb. Flashing lights, a man walking towards me, all white, checking my pulse, saving me from falling into the arms of despair.

“I’m here to help you” he said, so I immediately supposed he’s a doctor. The normality, the logic, the common sense in everything we do…that’s a sign of being sane, isn’t it? Still, the ambulance was late, much too late, and the oxygen mask was nowhere, and he…he was just smiling at me, disarming my struggles, my torment, my rage.

The raindrops felt warm on my cheeks, I closed my eyes and he tried to wipe the salty water from my face, but the sweet scent of mosque on his fingers just intensified the rain. When did I start to cry and what is this purifying feeling inside me?

“How do you feel?” he asked again and, this time, it wasn’t the pain that kept me from breathing. Something higher, so graceful and holly, something that has nothing to do with pain, death, anger…that something was embracing me, healing me…loving me.

I feel grateful.

For this pain that reminds me of life as a blessing, even in the most desperate moments.

For my vulnerability…sweet prove that falling is, sometimes, the best way to learn how to rise from the ashes.

For the over-sensitivity I blamed so much, and still…this is the brightest part of me.

For my heart that breaks so easily and hurts so deep and fears, and aches, and runs…but it never stops loving…not now, nor beyond the last of its beats.

For the lessons and for the demons…they taught me to be brave in all my battles.

For the scars…for the faith that heals them…for YOU.

Yes, I am grateful for YOU.

“The storm is coming, you need a shelter” I heard Him saying just moments before miraculously taking all the pain away…

I need a shelter, we all do…Let it be YOU, sweet Jesus.

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.jashow.org/articles/what-is-a-near-death-experience/

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For you too…

resilience_introI know you cried too.

The rain carried your burning tears so they would meet mine. We need to cry together more often…I whispered in the hollowing wind and I know…

I know you heard me.

It took me too long, again, and it felt like failing. Why do our most powerful feelings need so much time to turn into words?

It took me too long to reach out my hands to you. To embrace the space between us, defying distance, time, odds…history.

I know you felt it too. My arms around you.

We see the world through different eyes and, yet, our hearts bled together for the same cause. That’s all it takes. You are my family, as I am yours, united by an unbreakable bond.

Faith. We speak different languages and, yet, when my prayers stopped, you continued with yours. When my voice got weak, you raised yours, and when I blamed the sky for all the tragedy of this hopeless world…that’s when you asked for forgiveness.

In my name too…

We see the world through different veils, some chosen, some imposed. I would wear yours in a blink of the eye, if that would save me from my own! I would cover my face if that would guarantee the uncovering of my heart. But this would never happen…

And you know it too.

east-attacks-sri-lankaPeople. Religion. Churches. They build them just to take them down! They would gladly use their guns and bombs and pride…to set our souls on fire. They did it, they’ll do it again…while you and me, we learn to be more than innocent bystanders.

I know you fight too! For my cause too…

My friend…my brother…my sister…the things that unite us are stronger than hate. Even if we both need to close our eyes, in order to see each other’s hearts…That’s already a little, perfect miracle! Now take my hand, I’m here with you, willing to believe!

For you too…Because, now, we all became survivors!

 

 

 

 

The source of the images: https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2018/02/science-resilience-what-are-ingredients-help-people-cope

Deadly Attacks in Sri Lanka Target Luxury Hotels and Churches

 

The one who heals…

demon-drawing-depression-7The little girl was standing on the balcony a little too close to the edge, but, this time, sadness was stronger than fear. She always avoided the highs, the peaks, the sharp edges, the tall surfaces. Anything that would get her close to falling…

She heard the voice, louder and clearer, it brought chills to her spine, it always did. She knew she’s just a step away, but, this time, anger was stronger than panic. She wiped away her tears, there was nothing left to lose, only a life she no longer considered worthy of living…

Not like this.

So she climbed to the highest surface, the place that turns the city lights into small candles disappearing in the darkness. Her heart was spiraling into a place where love fades away in more than one overwhelming way…

You did well so far. 

She tried to silence the voice, but it was stuck somewhere inside her, part of her being, part of her darkness. Tired of fighting, tired of tears…tired of asking herself if life could be any different…she was now contemplating the falling.

It doesn’t hurt.

The voice was calm and alluring, calling her, tempting her, promising an eternity of lost memories. Her parents fighting, her father drowning in alcohol, her mother smoking, depression, panic attacks every school morning, the bullying, feeling inferior, social phobia, anorexia, abuse, poverty…Yes, that’s what she will forget!

It will be like falling asleep, all dark, all safe, all peaceful.

That’s when she realized that the voice is lying. Peaceful? she asked.

Yes, peaceful.

Like nothing bad ever happened to me?

Yes, like all the pain is taken away.

Taken away by whom? By you? she shouted.

Hey, if you are that powerful, if you are that wonderful, if you are that strong…

Than why the hell weren’t you capable of healing my life until now? Answer, answer now, or I swear, I will spend the rest of my life haunting you!

Because…

the voice was chocking, barely whispering, but the words came clear:

…because I cannot heal, I only destroy…

The little girl climbed down from the sharp edge of the balcony, back to safety. Her tears were falling free, her hair war flying in the cold midnight wind, her hands were trembling, but she stood brave.

Abuse, fears, poverty, shame, bullying, neglect, anorexia, depression…

Step by step, she will overcome every demon who crosses her path.

By the power of The One who heals.

 

 

I found the image at: https://ayoqq.org/explore/demon-drawing-depression/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you kissed me and stopped me from shaking…

ijunoon_Fantasy-Girl-1153129The boy with bright eyes was standing there, in the enchanted forest, looking away every time I tried to meet his gaze. He was the one I knew from every dream, the one who held me through every fantasy. The one who’s love was pure and generous, maybe too innocent for this wild world.

I went to him, every step bringing back memories of words I shouldn’t have said, promises I shouldn’t have made, every step towards him brings me back home. My long white dress was trembling in the wind, or were my shoulders shaking under the weight of this unspoken truth?

Because once I’ll look into his eyes, I cannot lie anymore, I cannot walk away or pretend he doesn’t exist…not anymore. And there’s a special kind of embrace, that belongs to us, our safe place, our bridge to Heaven. I will not stumble, not this time, I hear myself saying, and it almost sounds like a new promise…

-Do you remember when you first kissed me? You gave me wings…

-We never kissed…

-We did, in my dream! It was an eternity ago, when I was still dreaming…

-And now…

-Now we have the eternity…

-But you are shaking…

-I just…it’s you…

-Me…

-Your eyes…much too bright for the darkness I’m walking into…

-Don’t be afraid, you are safe!

-I know, it’s you that I’m scared for…

The boy with bright eyes knew all along that his light comes from a place of miracles and, one day, he will return home. Will I be there too? Will we be there together?

Will he remember a kiss that never happened, but, still, it saved me?

We’re clinging to memories we create only in our imagination, we survive by the hope of all the healing hugs we may never share. We’re dangerously close to a world of miracles, a place beyond human understanding.

We live as angels in each other’s Heaven…

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.ijunoon.com/search/number%20girl/?page=7

 

How to fill an empty page

3524484971_a524f481d3_bHe slowly walks towards us, just to say hello, obviously disturbed by our presence. He asked us to be there, but it’s in his nature to make people feel small, unimportant and weak. His arrogant smile tells us he had his way…

As I watch myself in the small mirror on the dark corridor, I have to admit, I do look small and humble, so I guess he succeeded. I can tell, by the watery hand that I’m holding, that I’m not the only one feeling scared.

She comes to us with an honest smile, but her eyes look down and I cannot see any spark, any shining human emotion. She is polite and sociable, she can show interest towards anyone and anything, but we all know, it’s just for the show.

There’s nothing real in the affection and attention she mimics.

He speaks of subjects he reads, he explains science documentaries he saw. She smiles and nods, without interrupting him, of course, it would be so rude! But I do and I love it! I love how his eyes get narrow and his rictus grin becomes uglier than ever. Do I hate him? I probably do.

I interrupt him just to speak with her. To ask her how she’s feeling. To see those blue eyes, that once were bright, lifting slowly to meet my gaze. To see that smile, that once was honest, appearing again for a brief moment. To hear her say she’s alright, even if I know she’s lying!

But his voice covers her fragile answers and I know…from now on, I’ll only get silence from her. And ugly, angry eyes from him. I did crossed some ridiculous line. But they needed us here, so this is where we’re staying.

Because this family picture has no value without witnesses.

I should be leaving, but something tells me to stay and to try again and again to bring her back. From the imaginary world she’s creating behind those quiet blue eyes. A world where she can rebel, a world where she feels loved.

Years from this moment he’ll sit by her coffin, explaining us about cancer. The causes, the symptoms, the costs! And I’ll stay there, watching her white, small, tired body, taken to the grave. And I’ll swear I’ll never be like that!

I’ll fight a million battles with the force of my rebellion! And I’ll shout a million angry words! And I’ll break a million chains and barriers if that’s what it takes!

For now…all I have is an empty page, where I should write about her. Her necrology…and I’m lost for words…Because happiness can only fill a heart and sadness is empty by itself. It’s only anger that fills this empty page…

And faith that fills an empty heart. 

And love is the reason behind this blog post.

 

 

 

You’ll still be safe!

download (5)

“-What took you so long? You missed it, you know? You missed the beginning! And it was beautiful, in a sad way…Or, was it sad in a beautiful way? Either way, you’ll never see it again. Aren’t you sad?”

I hugged the little arms desperately clinging to me, surprised to noticed my inner strength. I wiped away the tears that fall on the porcelain cheeks of the angel and I made sure that her wings were perfectly able to fly. Then I listened to her story.

“-You wouldn’t think that 90 days are that much, would you? But still, it was like a life time to me! You were nowhere to be found, so I had to watch it burn all by myself. You know you were missing for 90 days exactly, right? And it burned, it collapsed all over me…Aren’t you scared?”

I touched her golden hair, until every rebel strand of hair gently fell on her shoulders. We sat down between the ruins of an old house, the place I used to call “my church”. There’s no coincidence that I was gone for 90 days exactly, how could it be, when I was brought back at the right moment?

“-To save me, right? Listen! The end of the world started when you left! The old church burned and collapsed under the weight of its own hypocrisy, while the idols only showed their powerlessness. Some people saw it, many walked away…I stayed until the last burning candle, against every good judgement…Aren’t you angry?”

We spoke about that so many times before, we tried to prepare our hearts. For the moment when the walls will crumble and the old church will fall, along with all its idols. It’s suppose to make room for a the new one! The real one, the only one! We talked about it, remember? I asked with a smile, while the little angel was practicing her dancing steps up in the air.

“-But now, that you’re back, and you’re not sad anymore…will you take me to the new church? 

And…since you’re not scared anymore, will you follow the light you’re carrying?

So…if you’re not angry anymore, maybe you’ll reach out your hands to the sky, asking Him for guidance and salvation?”

I looked down, searching for the answers. Something better than “not knowing”, something stronger than “not carrying”, something more valuable than “not wanting.” And I felt like crying…

“-No, silly, don’t cry! I was only teasing you…Don’t you see? If every wall in every church will crumble down, you’ll still be safe!

And if your eyes can’t see the light, you’ll still walk on the right path!

Because His real church lives in every human heart…and you are here for a reason. Guided by the light, He saved your heart from freezing and gave you a mission and a purpose.

So, you see…the end of the world did not started 90 days ago…no…

It starts every moment, when we lose our faith.

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.cmgworldwide.com/sandra-kuck/

 

My favorite miracle today…

1-1P919111457

The blue skies are smiling above me and, for one moment, it’s almost impossible to remember my blindness. Was it my free choice or was it, simply, another way of growing? I needed time and I needed honesty…

To face my dark side, to let the darkness tell its stories…to fall…yes, I needed this falling.

Because my eyes refused to see the Light and my heart denied the Love. Blinded by the veil that was meant to protect me, I could not accept the salvation. I thought I’m safer there…on the darkest paths of my soul.

The things I found out were the truths that have always haunted me.

That love will only survive in a free, childlike heart.

And faith turns life into a joyful journey, even when it’s hard.

And perfection doesn’t belong to a human soul.

But I was old, too old…and sad, too sad….judgemental and too critical…to be even able to see Love…or Faith doing their miracles into my life. This was my blindness. My brokenness and my pain. This was the reason for my running away.

The blue skies are smiling above me, like they always did. And here I am, back home, learning all the little, imperfect steps. I may not be a bright light on this earth made of so many nuances, I may not use the right words when they’re needed, my love may not find ways to express itself loud enough, clear enough…but I am home.

Home, where I know I am loved.

I guess that’s my favorite miracle today.

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-a-pathway-1690355/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The good one

s2

What keeps us in the darkness, when all our hopes are gone?

Why can’t we find the colors of life in this grey zone?

Where are you when I need you…if I am so alone?

And how can Love survive into a heart of stone?

 

She cried a thousand rivers, while looking at the sky,

Were white and sweet and gentle, just like a lullaby

The arms that held her tightly before they said goodbye…

She angrily decided that faith was meant to die!

 

She signed in blood and anguish, her soul to give away

A pact so clear and simple, just like a childish play…

He was supposed to love her for ever and a day!

Oh, crazy heart, why did you…become such easy prey?

 

Indeed, he came to love her, because he missed her light…

He kissed the eyes that carry the darkness of the night,

And promised to revive that Love that seemed so bright!

In tears of blood he promised…for her he’ll surely fight!

 

But when the shadows came, was nothing but regret

The Love that once was sacred – now hanging by a thread,

He gladly set her free, pretending to forget

The tears, the pain, the anguish of this poor marionette…

 

He tried to write a poem, but curses have no rhyme,

And pain was bound to fill him until the end of time!

Forgiveness and damnation…between them such thin line!

When life itself is nothing but a repeated crime…

 

What keeps us in the darkness, where Love is almost none,

Why can’t we see above us the brightly shining sun?

Can you remember flying before you turn to run?

Could you believe my story if evil never won?

‘Cause in this world of angels, no pact was ever done!

No judgement or damnation upon her -the good one-

For she’s the Light inside us, and Light is never gone…

 

 

 

I found the image at: http://soundofheart.org/galacticfreepress/content/how-access-your-inner-sun

Title inspired by “Million Reasons” by Lady Gaga https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-B_iLyXzbvE

 

 

 

 

I am the ghost of the girl you loved…

marzena-stanislawska-15

She almost knocked me down with her pink bicycle, rushing like a storm through the people around. I don’t know if I was her only target, but she definitely dreamed of seeing me down, bleeding on the sidewalk. It didn’t happen, not this time, not here.

My salvation was not one of those “lucky chances”, or at least I chose not to see it that way. It was something angelic in the arms that pulled me away, something very soothing and serene in the voice that asked me if I’m alright.

The calming voice asked me if I know the girl who seemed to want nothing more than my disappearance. I know her anger, I said. Her bitterness and hate, the dark voices occupying the place where it used to be light.  She’s hurt and she’s alone in a battle that overwhelms even the strongest hearts.

The strong arms held me through my salvation and I was blessed to feel protected. How I wish she could run straight into the arms of love, instead of angrily storming into the claws of devastation. The tender voice remained silent in the face of my gratitude, but, then, it praised my will to forgive.

I know this girl…

She spends every awaken hour talking to the voices inside her. She believes that life took something away from her, so she’s craving for revenge. She fools her own heart, pretending to be a savage predator. I fear for her…

For the day she’ll discover how much of a victim she became. How the pieces of a broken love can be so sharp, they can cut so deep! I fear for the moment when she’ll stop hating me…for she would have to face her own vulnerability.

She is the girl who’s heart cried in vain for a love he took away.

How would I blame an empty shell? I asked in a broken voice, hiding my tears streamed face into his loving arms…but this would be just another lie, wouldn’t it be? the celestial voice replied.

For it is written for us to never be empty. And to never be alone.

Free will…a blessing or a curse? Yes, it’s a matter of choice if we fill our hearts with light, or we leave ourselves consumed by darkness.

Alone…this is not a choice, nor a possibility. Not in this life, not in the eternal one. Around us, every step we take, angels are watching. Closer than we’ll ever be willing to admit.

“If she’s the girl who loved in vain, ’till her heart turned into ice, then who are you?” playfully asked the innocent voice.

You know me, I whispered with a sad smile. I am her ghost…

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/1LRQe

Title inspired by Christina Perri’s song “The Lonely” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhQ1c1MsYv0

 

 

 

 

I’ve got my angels now

maxresdefault“Some hearts stay close, pretending to be strong as a stone, declaring their self-righteousness while they’re only blind. To love…”

That’s what he said and the echo gave deepness to his voice. He smiled at me, even if his eyes had a certain sadness. Then, suddenly, he took my hand and guided me through the big, black gates.

“She’s with us! She doesn’t need a ticket to get inside. And she’ll stay for as long as her soul desires!”

I looked down, knowing that the ticket seller already recognized the lie. I was not with them and that was visibly clear. I wasn’t wearing the white coat they all had, I wasn’t that joyful as they seemed to be, my eyes had dark circles around them, from my sleepless nights, while their were blue and pure like the morning sky.

The ticket seller got closer to my protector and mumbled something, words that had no meaning to my rational mind, still, I knew I’ll remember them long after today…”what her soul desires…she cannot have…and she should pay, just like the rest of them…for this arrogance of thinking she’s special…”

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve got your back!”

He was still holding my hand, ignoring the rest of the group, and it was because of his warm touch that I could let myself feel this tremble inside me. My eyes kept searching for the only thing that would give some meaning to this journey of mine…

“They turned it into a museum…I know what you are searching for, they locked it away and hid it. See, it wasn’t politically correct to expose it here. Come with me, I will show you…”

He took me to a dark passage, leading to a closed gate. Behind bars, imprisoned and broke, the wooden cross was lying on the floor. A wooden Christ with red painted tears seemed to plead with the Heaven above. For us. From the coldness of the former church’s floor. And I…

I never felt so lonely and so helpless…

so scared and lost…

so defenseless and frightened…

For us. Human kind…

“Tell me, precious soul, what are you really searching for, in this place of lost hopes? Why do you keep exploring abysses, harming your own heart, when all you ever deserved was love and forgiveness?”

His gentleness and the way his eyes pierced the walls of my soul set free all the tears that my vulnerable eyes refused to cry for so long. And I cried for myself. For my lost love. For Christ and for humanity. For this old church turned into museum. For this world where faith is imprisoned so deep inside us.

And I fell on my knees, but a strong, cruel hand pulled me behind…

“How do you dare? For Christ’s name! You’re on holly ground! How do you dare?”

The ticket seller spit the words like venom to my heart. And once again, I desperately needed Him to guide my way…

“Exactly…in the name of Christ. She is with us, she can stay for as long as her soul needs!”

The love in his voice surrounded the place in pure light. He turned to me, in all his glory, with his wings open and his eyes shining.

“Stop searching…He is here.”

He touched my heart. Just like He promised, His touch made it new.

He made my heart pure again. For Him to live within…

 

 

I found the image at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tyiz2yEFIkU