In my bewildered eyes…

64225608_2531679586862667_2449060351556190208_nHe took my hand and asked me to trust him, ’cause the place he’s taking me to is not for the faint of heart. I closed my eyes, I said a prayer, I promised I’ll follow his hollowing voice ’till the end of my time…

“Lay with me here, on the silky grass, here where the sky aligns the clouds in so many mysterious ways…

It’s blue, too blue…and warm…

I need you to see through my eyes, my love, I’m lost behind a wall of fears I cannot break, nor look above it!

It’s deep, too deep…this loneliness…deeper than the ocean above us…

Don’t mind my tremble, just open your heart and tell me…what do you see up there?

It’s close, too close…could be a storm…could be a sign…

Don’t cry…

It’s real, too real…I wish I were with you…

Just take my hand, you’re starting to believe it now, my darling…the signs, the wonders, the demons and the storms, they were meant to be…

It’s dark, too dark…my path and yours…

Can you see it too? In my dreams, we always see the same signs, for our hearts are one and our souls have wings…but you, sweet butterfly, you always run, and I never know…

It’s blind, too blind…the faith that guides me…

Blind enough to love the unlovable?

I see an angel of light coming from above, looking straight into our souls. I see the justice he’s bringing, for all the unknown martyrs. I see love, a love so pure and beautiful…I see healing and joy…after the storm…Can you see the angel too? Or is it just a cloud, reflected in my bewildered eyes…

Open your eyes now!

Wait…So, was it just a dream? The love I felt, the blue above me, the warmth of your heart…

What’s life if not a mysterious dream, filled with signs and wonders that we refuse to see?

But I did…I did the right thing…where are you? Why am I so alone?

Shhhtttt…wipe away your tears and raise your eyes! Look up now!”

Do you see it?

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

 

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There’s a wolf out there! (watch out, children!)

 

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He’s waiting in the dark, every single night, hungrily preying on my weakened soul. Red eyes, sharp teeth, wicked claws – deceiving shadow in the ever lasting nights…

He wants nothing less than a taste of eternity and he knows how to get it! Stealing my life, he promises the one thing he cannot give: peace.

Lost in my sleeplessness, numbed by the emptiness inside…that’s how he wants me, a shell of broken dreams, unaware of the wonders given upon me…

He wants me to feel nothing! That’s how you know…

You know he bit you when tears turn to blood and your book of life turns grey. When there are no colors to paint the raging world outside…

…when you’re a walking dead, with ghostly eyes and sealed emotions!

And they will call you lazy…

and they will think you’re blind…

So they will offer their expertise, advises, solutions…little miracles all boxed and ready to be used!

But nothing works, because the wolf is here, cruelly laughing at their pointless efforts.

He’s waiting in the dark, he knows the taste of my blood and the warmth of my tears. Bold and reckless, thirsty for the light inside me, he gave me no choice…

…but to fight for my soul!

Watch out, children of God, there’s a wolf outside. Take your prayers as your unbeatable armor, remember the love we were given, call an army of angels if that’s what it takes!

To destroy the beast for ever.

 

 

Title inspired by Kelly Family’s song “The wolf” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIJKeOc4Vvc

Photo from my personal collection

The one who heals…

demon-drawing-depression-7The little girl was standing on the balcony a little too close to the edge, but, this time, sadness was stronger than fear. She always avoided the highs, the peaks, the sharp edges, the tall surfaces. Anything that would get her close to falling…

She heard the voice, louder and clearer, it brought chills to her spine, it always did. She knew she’s just a step away, but, this time, anger was stronger than panic. She wiped away her tears, there was nothing left to lose, only a life she no longer considered worthy of living…

Not like this.

So she climbed to the highest surface, the place that turns the city lights into small candles disappearing in the darkness. Her heart was spiraling into a place where love fades away in more than one overwhelming way…

You did well so far. 

She tried to silence the voice, but it was stuck somewhere inside her, part of her being, part of her darkness. Tired of fighting, tired of tears…tired of asking herself if life could be any different…she was now contemplating the falling.

It doesn’t hurt.

The voice was calm and alluring, calling her, tempting her, promising an eternity of lost memories. Her parents fighting, her father drowning in alcohol, her mother smoking, depression, panic attacks every school morning, the bullying, feeling inferior, social phobia, anorexia, abuse, poverty…Yes, that’s what she will forget!

It will be like falling asleep, all dark, all safe, all peaceful.

That’s when she realized that the voice is lying. Peaceful? she asked.

Yes, peaceful.

Like nothing bad ever happened to me?

Yes, like all the pain is taken away.

Taken away by whom? By you? she shouted.

Hey, if you are that powerful, if you are that wonderful, if you are that strong…

Than why the hell weren’t you capable of healing my life until now? Answer, answer now, or I swear, I will spend the rest of my life haunting you!

Because…

the voice was chocking, barely whispering, but the words came clear:

…because I cannot heal, I only destroy…

The little girl climbed down from the sharp edge of the balcony, back to safety. Her tears were falling free, her hair war flying in the cold midnight wind, her hands were trembling, but she stood brave.

Abuse, fears, poverty, shame, bullying, neglect, anorexia, depression…

Step by step, she will overcome every demon who crosses her path.

By the power of The One who heals.

 

 

I found the image at: https://ayoqq.org/explore/demon-drawing-depression/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to fill an empty page

3524484971_a524f481d3_bHe slowly walks towards us, just to say hello, obviously disturbed by our presence. He asked us to be there, but it’s in his nature to make people feel small, unimportant and weak. His arrogant smile tells us he had his way…

As I watch myself in the small mirror on the dark corridor, I have to admit, I do look small and humble, so I guess he succeeded. I can tell, by the watery hand that I’m holding, that I’m not the only one feeling scared.

She comes to us with an honest smile, but her eyes look down and I cannot see any spark, any shining human emotion. She is polite and sociable, she can show interest towards anyone and anything, but we all know, it’s just for the show.

There’s nothing real in the affection and attention she mimics.

He speaks of subjects he reads, he explains science documentaries he saw. She smiles and nods, without interrupting him, of course, it would be so rude! But I do and I love it! I love how his eyes get narrow and his rictus grin becomes uglier than ever. Do I hate him? I probably do.

I interrupt him just to speak with her. To ask her how she’s feeling. To see those blue eyes, that once were bright, lifting slowly to meet my gaze. To see that smile, that once was honest, appearing again for a brief moment. To hear her say she’s alright, even if I know she’s lying!

But his voice covers her fragile answers and I know…from now on, I’ll only get silence from her. And ugly, angry eyes from him. I did crossed some ridiculous line. But they needed us here, so this is where we’re staying.

Because this family picture has no value without witnesses.

I should be leaving, but something tells me to stay and to try again and again to bring her back. From the imaginary world she’s creating behind those quiet blue eyes. A world where she can rebel, a world where she feels loved.

Years from this moment he’ll sit by her coffin, explaining us about cancer. The causes, the symptoms, the costs! And I’ll stay there, watching her white, small, tired body, taken to the grave. And I’ll swear I’ll never be like that!

I’ll fight a million battles with the force of my rebellion! And I’ll shout a million angry words! And I’ll break a million chains and barriers if that’s what it takes!

For now…all I have is an empty page, where I should write about her. Her necrology…and I’m lost for words…Because happiness can only fill a heart and sadness is empty by itself. It’s only anger that fills this empty page…

And faith that fills an empty heart. 

And love is the reason behind this blog post.

 

 

 

I am the ghost of the girl you loved…

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She almost knocked me down with her pink bicycle, rushing like a storm through the people around. I don’t know if I was her only target, but she definitely dreamed of seeing me down, bleeding on the sidewalk. It didn’t happen, not this time, not here.

My salvation was not one of those “lucky chances”, or at least I chose not to see it that way. It was something angelic in the arms that pulled me away, something very soothing and serene in the voice that asked me if I’m alright.

The calming voice asked me if I know the girl who seemed to want nothing more than my disappearance. I know her anger, I said. Her bitterness and hate, the dark voices occupying the place where it used to be light.  She’s hurt and she’s alone in a battle that overwhelms even the strongest hearts.

The strong arms held me through my salvation and I was blessed to feel protected. How I wish she could run straight into the arms of love, instead of angrily storming into the claws of devastation. The tender voice remained silent in the face of my gratitude, but, then, it praised my will to forgive.

I know this girl…

She spends every awaken hour talking to the voices inside her. She believes that life took something away from her, so she’s craving for revenge. She fools her own heart, pretending to be a savage predator. I fear for her…

For the day she’ll discover how much of a victim she became. How the pieces of a broken love can be so sharp, they can cut so deep! I fear for the moment when she’ll stop hating me…for she would have to face her own vulnerability.

She is the girl who’s heart cried in vain for a love he took away.

How would I blame an empty shell? I asked in a broken voice, hiding my tears streamed face into his loving arms…but this would be just another lie, wouldn’t it be? the celestial voice replied.

For it is written for us to never be empty. And to never be alone.

Free will…a blessing or a curse? Yes, it’s a matter of choice if we fill our hearts with light, or we leave ourselves consumed by darkness.

Alone…this is not a choice, nor a possibility. Not in this life, not in the eternal one. Around us, every step we take, angels are watching. Closer than we’ll ever be willing to admit.

“If she’s the girl who loved in vain, ’till her heart turned into ice, then who are you?” playfully asked the innocent voice.

You know me, I whispered with a sad smile. I am her ghost…

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/1LRQe

Title inspired by Christina Perri’s song “The Lonely” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhQ1c1MsYv0

 

 

 

 

In case you failed to notice…

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I stood there, on his doorstep, wearing nothing but the cold rain in my body and soul. Frightened and alone, my sense of shame is tearing me apart at the very thought of stepping inside. He’ll break me once again…

He saw the rain in my eyes and needed no words. Somewhere along the path I lost myself and somehow he knew how to bring me here. Wordlessly and blindly, he took my hand to guide me inside. To the warmth of the fire…

I wanted to cry, but enough tears were wasted by the wandering clouds. Above us, up to the grey skies, God is watching with a smile. A sign of forgiveness. I’m standing here, but my bleeding heart belongs to the storm outside…

The rain looks good on you, darling…

You’re the reason for my storms…

I’m the reason for your sparkling eyes, my love…

They’re sparkling out of tears. You only see the rain…

I only see your loneliness, dear…

You love this…like a master of puppets loves the life he puts within the lifeless…

I love you, you make me feel powerful, sweet one…

Your power is my weakness and it breaks me every time…

That’s our precious secret, no one knows you’re mine, little one…

I have no one…

Then stay and give yourself to me. The sky above you already forgave this crime, for it’s meant to be your destiny. See, precious one? I’m still here, I’ll always be here to hold you…

No one…

Yes, no one can make you smile, nor fill the emptiness inside you. No one loves you in the rain…Their little hearts are addicted to sunshine, beautiful one…

His hunger devoured my fragile inner strength and the light faded away while the rain shouted angry curses to the world. I took my bare soul and gave it all, just to feed this void. He held me even if there was nothing left to give. For a brief moment, he kept his promises and he was the one for me…

No one…

No one loves you like I do, no one wants you like I will…

My words remained unspoken and my heart stayed cold. He tasted the bitter trace of tears on my cheeks and decided that it’s time for the curtain fall.

Sweet madness, what is your favorite path through the falling rain?

For I am still outside, in the cold, wearing the yesterday’s storms.  Still chasing away temptations and demons. Falling, from time to time, rising above in the name of faith. Wondering about them, the loved ones. Why do they always fail to notice?

There’s another standing at his doorstep. Wearing nothing but the rain inside her. One moment from now it may be too late. Don’t call her “an addict”, just call her out…

 

 

I found the picture at: http://sharequotes4you.com/p/sad-crying-girl-alone-in-rain

Title inspired by Jewel’s song “Foolish games” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKvlDrf-_L8

 

Worthy of love!

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The sensation was a freezing cold kind of pain, it spread through my body, leaving my heart numb and my voice soundless. But the echoes of my conscience kept pushing me forward, one step at the time. In a place that, once upon a time, was called the bridge of fire

I knew he’s waiting for me, my yellowed eyes demon with his fire and his torches and his anger! I prayed I’d find him before it’s too late, but my abysses were filled with ice and where, a lifetime ago, were flames and smoke, now it was only a devastating white desperation.

The trembling shadow whit ghostly eyes seemed to wait for nothing but death itself. No sharp claws, no threatening grins, no blasphemous curses. Nothing to destroy me, nothing to feed the devouring fires of hell. Just a lonely boy with a frozen heart, desperately trying to put the pieces back together.

Here he is and there I am…So close, I can almost feel his pain and I know it’s real. I also know my gift and my mission. The voice inside me speaks loud and clear, words of love, words of faith. And my arms are ready to warm him up, back to life, back to love…

For one thing it’s certain and beyond any doubt…

“The day you stopped fighting was the day your heart froze. And I fell out of hell, just to pick up the pieces. It was a beautiful heart…”

He cried as he spoke his truths. I cried as I held his fragile soul. I cried as I fell in love with everything that was imperfect in him. As in myself.

“How does it feel…to see me so breakable…so human…The angel of dark. Your demon. The one you pushed, you broke, you set on fire and you fought with everything in you. Am I worthy of love, even if I was born of hate?”

He pleaded for my love, as if he ever needed to plead…

And I pleaded for my salvation, as I never pleaded before…

And the voice from above spoke loud and clear. Words of love, words of healing and acceptance. Questions that my conscience needs to answer in the most honest and truthful way.

How does it feel to see yourself as less than perfect?

Less than angelic, because your heart was touched by fire. Less than demonic, for the light you’re carrying is a divine one. 

Human, simply human. Loved, above anything else in this world. 

Treasured, even with your dark side, your rebellious fights and your insecurities.

Yes, worthy of love, even if, once upon a time, you called yourself a demon…

 

 

I found the image at: https://design.tutsplus.com/tutorials/create-an-angelic-sculpture-made-of-ice-in-photoshop–psd-7383

Some of them want to use you…

lunatik-710x400The boy took off his mask, as he sat quietly on the edge of the roof, so I was able to take a closer look into his deep brown eyes. His fingers, still holding his mask, were trembling…I took the chance to hold his hand, just like I was already holding his heart – oh, little struggling bird – why do we always chose distance from closeness? Anger from vulnerability…

The boy was sad enough to be honest. The demon mask wasn’t going to protect him, not when loneliness settles in, still, he wouldn’t let it go. His darkness was made of fear, so how do I break the walls without breaking his heart? The answer came quickly, simple and wise.

“Show me the place where you met The Shadow. I need to see it.”

This took me by surprise. Oh, what a foolish thought, to believe I’m in control. Is it my own vulnerability the only guarantee he needs? Will it make him feel safe enough to try…to be human again? There was only one way…

At the distance of a memory, there’s the green field where my heart found love. Here we are, it’s me now, the one trembling. I’m scared of my memories, I’m scared of missing the arms that held me, I want to run away and I want to stay, to hold this boy’s hand, to help him cross the line. Do I still know the way back from this world of shadows, demons and lost souls?

“I needed to see the place, to feel its beauty. This is Love, vibrating in every petal of every flower. It’s you, in every gentle ray of light…”

It’s me without the one I loved so much. I thought I’m just an empty shell that God, in His mercy, filled with faith, hope and a love we call supreme. I was wrong…all my definition about myself are pale and inconsistent, dancing capriciously on the edge of madness. I’m ready to give in…

“Give me your heart, it’s all I need…and I promise…my demon mask will be lost forever. I need the peace I’m sensing within you! You lured me into your marvelous territory, so now I’m an addict. I want what I see in you. I want to devour your serenity, to bathe in your restfulness splendor.”

I see the light in his eyes and I smile. He’s nothing but a child…just like me, just like every lost soul that crossed the line in a desperate search of love.

“I cannot give you my heart, for it doesn’t belong to me, not anymore. And I cannot give you peace. Simply because, what you sensed in me is nothing but the purest reflection of the peace I sensed in you…”

“But this place…your place?”

“You created it, to embrace your own serenity. See, you may not feel ready to cross the line back to the real world, but your heart has already made the step.”

He gave me his demon mask.

“Here it is, use it wisely. You’ll need it because here, more than in real life, some of them will try to use you. To cling to you, to bite the very core of your faith, to imprison your dreams…For they are nothing but hungry for a love they rejected long ago. Please use it while I find my way back to humanity.”

I hugged him tight, wishing him all the love in the world.

Alone, in the place where I met The Shadow, with a heart that loved too much to survive the storm, I threw away the demon mask. Way into the abyss!

For one thing is sure…

As long as I have my angel wings, even broken, even hurt, even lost or misguided…

…this is the only shelter I’ll ever need.

 

 

I found the image at: http://pochemu-otchego.info/pochemu/pochemu-nelzya/pochemu-nelzya-budit-lunatikov/

 

Don’t you know? It’s the end of the world…

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Dedicated to Rebecca –

I met him on the bridge of fire, he was walking with dreamy eyes and a careless attitude that always fascinated me. His boyish smile was enough to make me forget where I am, so the walls crumbled down and I ran into his arms.

He needed no weapon to convince me to follow him deeper into the world of shadows. He awakened memories, long forgotten smiles and a feeling I never imagined possible for me. Because feeling safe was far more important than feeling loved and he knew it!

He promised me a shelter and a place I could call “home”. I listened, hypnotized by the gentle tone of his voice. He asked me to trust him and that’s when I felt a cold shiver running through my veins. Old vows like “I wont trust the shadows, for they belong to the darkness…” went down the black water of oblivion.

What a happy day! I told myself.

What a joyful encounter! He whispered in my ear.

What a foolish gesture! To break down my defenses, for him to see inside…

His fingers draw undiscovered paths on my skin, the air become fire and, before I realized, he lured me into his world. His castle became my home for a second that lasted an eternity. He asked me to stay there, with him, for him, to be his. I almost said yes.

But then again…my blindness couldn’t last for ever. Nor my vulnerability! I needed freedom like I needed air! My way out of this labyrinth of chaos and destruction.

What happened to you? I asked with an undisguised tremble. You used to be so kind, you used to say the nicest things…You used to search for the light! And now?

Surrounded by demonic statues and stoned snakes, he lifted his shoulders, pointing around him.

“This is what happened. I got bored, I got stuck and there was no one to join me for eternity. What’s the point of going to Heaven, if all I found was an empty place? So I fell, like all of them. You call them demons? I call them friends.”

I cried at the thought of light turned into darkness. I felt nothing but compassion for the deceived one. He wiped away my tears.

“As for you…Maybe you’re my reward. Maybe I’m your curse. I’m not that bad and you’re not that good, we’re both just hiding from the storm.”

I demanded him to take me back home and he laughed.

“Why would you go home? Don’t you know? It’s the end of the world…it started while we were missing, in our quest for light, giving hope to the hopeless and love to the loveless. We were saving a dying world! Noble, but so foolish!”

That’s when I knew…I wont be deceived, I wont be leaded into temptation. Not this time, for this is not about me! It’s his story, his second chance and I’m here as an instrument of Love. A dream come true for me, a miracle for him. So I fell on my knees, asking God to love what’s beyond forgiveness…

I’ll never meet him on the bridge of fire, never again. For I was forgiven and he was saved. That’s the measure of our God’s love. Beyond any border…

 

 

The source of the image: http://www.upsocl.com/creatividad/10-ideas-para-crear-ingeniosas-alas-para-disfraces-de-hadas/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I see you…(can you see me?)

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They said it’s a haunted place, so I shouldn’t be here when the moon is lonely over the dark lake. Haunted by melancholy, I saw no danger except for my bitter-sweet nostalgia. The one that leaded my steps so close to the edge…

They said there’s a ghost trying to sneak into the surface of what we call reality, so I should stay away from these deep waters. Ghosting into the abyss of my own desires, I saw no reason to stay on the safe side…

They said it’s a curse that’s drowning the innocents into the darkest of the dark, so I should better avoid the unknown. I laughed. I’m barely awake, drunk and weary into my own ocean of lost dreams, but not even there I would call myself innocent.

It’s my night and they wont stop me, not with their unwanted advises, not by shouting out loud from the other side, not through threats and promises, sweet lies and hurtful truths. There’s nothing they could offer and there’s nothing they could take. Brave or foolish, romantic or depressed, irresponsible or heroic they’ll call me!

Who knows, for I won’t be here anymore.

I see you, Innocent one, come, follow me…

And she smiles seductively, taking me to the place where the lonely moon never shined above.

I see you and I know you, I know where you come from…

Her voice like a melody reminds me of my childhood and I try not to cry, but tears flow freely, disturbing the mirror-clear surface of the dark lake.

Don’t cry, Innocent dove, the gates of your golden cage are wide open…

She promises freedom and painless dreams and I wish…oh, how I wish I could believe her!

But I’m far from being innocent.

And my darkness is far from being peaceful.

I am expected to return, back to life, back to light. One day…

So I must go and she must cry…

For she was real and I was her ghost…for much too long.

 

 

 

The source of the image: http://www.pinsdaddy.com/ghost-haunted-lakes_Mt1zgLcu3JvPBcGr8dCkTDSH5OilmT9SIgFPcmzXCTs/