“Why don’t you kill me? Just kill me!” I asked him in tears of agony, but he avoided my eyes. His breath smelled like rotten flesh, his hairy fingers drew bloody circles on my bare shoulders and I knew…I cannot die like this!
I met him while running full speed to the wrong exit, on the path between life and death. While every line of my face was deeply hurting from too much crying and my eyes became ghostly from too many sleepless nights. Heartbroken, sentenced to silence, despised and ignored in my pleadings for love, I really felt that LIFE is a punishment.
He grabbed my arm and twisted it, pulled my hair and pushed me against a wall, claiming to be my salvation. And I was blinded by my anger, clinging to this new sensation. “Pain is a gift, treasure it!” he whispered and I mistook darkness with salvation.
Pain was the only thing I could control, so I loved it. It was my only relief from the unbearable anger inside, so I accepted it.
Cuts, bruises, fresh blood, old scars, lies and guilt! Until I completely forgot who I was before. Every new wound was more than the one before it, while every new sensation of victory became shorter, more abrupt, lacking joy and hope, more and more every time.
So many flavors of this torture! So many lies in this illusion! While searching for a sense of control upon my own life, I lost myself in the arms of the beast…and I was harmed in so many ways…
inflicting pain upon my body
neglecting my emotional needs
turning my inner voice into my worst enemy
binge-eating to the point of poisoning myself
exposing myself to abusers
demanding love and affection from a narcissist
thinking in terms of tragedies and worse-case-scenarios
denying my spiritual need to pray…
I did them all…
“Why don’t you kill me? Just kill me!” I screamed in agony, and the raspy voice angrily whispered the words that changed my destiny…
“Because I don’t have this kind of power upon you…”
That’s when the eyes that contemplated darkness, turned to praise the immaculate blue of heaven. And the hands that caused and endured so much harm turned to pray. That’s when, by giving all control to the One above us, I gained back my life and my freedom.
I still don’t remember who I was before meeting the beast, but I surely know who I want to be. And I know that LIFE is always a gift, never a punishment. Defeating this demon meant going deep into the dark alleys of my mind. I made it back only by the Love and Grace of God. Through His complete forgiveness, I learned to forgive myself too…
Meet my third demon: Self-harm
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