Meet my demons (III)

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“Why don’t you kill me? Just kill me!” I asked him in tears of agony, but he avoided my eyes. His breath smelled like rotten flesh, his hairy fingers drew bloody circles on my bare shoulders and I knew…I cannot die like this!

I met him while running full speed to the wrong exit, on the path between life and death. While every line of my face was deeply hurting from too much crying and my eyes became ghostly from too many sleepless nights. Heartbroken, sentenced to silence, despised and ignored in my pleadings for love, I really felt that LIFE is a punishment.

He grabbed my arm and twisted it, pulled my hair and pushed me against a wall, claiming to be my salvation. And I was blinded by my anger, clinging to this new sensation. “Pain is a gift, treasure it!” he whispered and I mistook darkness with salvation.

Pain was the only thing I could control, so I loved it. It was my only relief from the unbearable anger inside, so I accepted it.

Cuts, bruises, fresh blood, old scars, lies and guilt! Until I completely forgot who I was before. Every new wound was more than the one before it, while every new sensation of victory became shorter, more abrupt, lacking joy and hope, more and more every time.

So many flavors of this torture! So many lies in this illusion! While searching for a sense of control upon my own life, I lost myself in the arms of the beast…and I was harmed in so many ways…

inflicting pain upon my body

neglecting my emotional needs

turning my inner voice into my worst enemy

binge-eating to the point of poisoning myself

exposing myself to abusers

demanding love and affection from a narcissist 

thinking in terms of tragedies and worse-case-scenarios 

denying my spiritual need to pray…

I did them all…

“Why don’t you kill me? Just kill me!” I screamed in agony, and the raspy voice angrily whispered the words that changed my destiny…

Because I don’t have this kind of power upon you…”

That’s when the eyes that contemplated darkness, turned to praise the immaculate blue of heaven. And the hands that caused and endured so much harm turned to pray. That’s when, by giving all control to the One above us, I gained back my life and my freedom.

I still don’t remember who I was before meeting the beast, but I surely know who I want to be. And I know that LIFE is always a gift, never a punishment. Defeating this demon meant going deep into the dark alleys of my mind. I made it back only by the Love and Grace of God. Through His complete forgiveness, I learned to forgive myself too…

Meet my third demon: Self-harm

 

 

The image is taken from the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

 

Meet my demons (II)

horror-2581018_960_720“If you are an angel, why are you hurting me?” I asked him, while my heart was racing madly, gasping for air in an attempt to survive this infernal, unreasonable fear. His smile revealed his sharp teeth, his eyes became ice, his answer became my damnation and my body froze, trapped between life and death, right there, in his arms.

He found me a lifetime ago…a little girl playing with her dolls, on a rainy afternoon. A sweet portrait of innocence, but he knew better, for that little girl -me- was the loneliest child he ever met. Her ears – filled with angry screams, her eyes – rivers of repressed tears, her freckles – hidden reasons of shame, her soul – witness of a war between the adults she loved the most!

He took her hand and showed her his castle (“it will be yours”), it was high, it was dark, it was guarded with an iron fence and still, she loved it. It felt safe to stay there, she felt cared for and no one noticed her disappearance, ’cause, sadly, they were busy fighting against each other. Who would fight for her? For the loneliest little girl in the world?

“There’s a terrible world out there, a world where angels like you and me could not survive!” he used to tell me, every time I got too close to the iron fence. My universe got smaller day by day, while my every move, my every small gesture was questioned. A prisoner of my own mind, with Fear, Panic and Pain as guardians, I grew and turned into the loneliest girl…woman…wife…mother…daughter…in the whole world.

“What if…you fail…you embarrass yourself…you disappoint them…wouldn’t it be better not to try at all?” and I believed his fake love. But then, as night settled upon my heart, he laughed of my dreams…

“Something horrible is going to happen, can’t you feel it?” and I’ve mistaken fear for good judgement, dark thoughts for intuition, demonic whispers for faith! And then I cried and prayed, and waited for a prince to save me. And I waited in vain!

‘Cause no prince was ever going to see me, all hidden behind black curtains, in the highest tower of my black castle. And no hero would hear my cry for help while I’m voiceless! So, maybe…

Maybe it’s time for me to become my own hero.

“If you are an angel, why are you hurting me?” asked the loneliest little girl in the world, still holding the black, rugged, deadly hand of the beast who took control over her world. “Because you don’t deserve to be loved!” he answered and then she knew…

And then I knew…

He kept me away from the ones I love…

He took away my every little joy…

He made me feel helpless, pointless, desperate and unlovable.

Escaping him is beyond my human powers, it is a continue battle I have to carry every day, a struggle and a pain I’ll always face. From all the lies that turned my inner voice into my most frightening enemy, the most terrifying was the feeling of being completely, utterly alone. Now I know, I never was, I’ll never be…

Because I am loved through all my insecurities.

Meet my second demon: Anxiety

 

 

All credits for the image to the free-photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

Meet my demons (I)

man-1519665_960_720“Why are you always sad?” I asked, but he just smiled, pulling me closer, so close that my heartbeats became one with his. So tight, that my breathing stopped and I knew I’m slowly losing myself into darkness.

We met on a dark alley, a place where good souls are never supposed to be. I was not supposed to be here, not by my choice! Barefoot, tears streaming down my face, memories killing the very last trace of a painful love still lingering inside me.

Betrayed, pushed away, exiled by the one I adored more than life itself.

And then I met him, with his grey eyes and dark hair, covering the noble sadness in his gaze, with a long coat and a slightly cynical smile. Suited for the prince of twilight.

“Be mine” he told me “and I will make you forget”, and I just fell for this promise of peace. So he spread his wings and fire overcame my world, redefining everything I thought safe. He turned the dark alley into a labyrinth of shadows, a new home for my heart. He took away my memories, so I was oblivious to pain, desensitized to sweetness and beauty.

He made me look into a mirror full of dirt and I saw it all!

the Ugly me

the Reject

the Unfit me

the Stupid

the Unfaithful

the Shameful me!

“Why are you always sad?” I asked and, with a smirk, he answered:

“Because you are dying.”

Fearful and horrified, I tried to get out, but his claws made bloody traces on my skin, his teeth bit hard into my flesh, his fire pierced my soul…

Escaping him was beyond my human powers! It was divine, the hand that saved me, it was celestial, the light that showed me the way.

It took me a lifetime…

It took away my precious memories…

It destroyed my innocence.

Meet my first demon: Depression 

 

 

All credits for the portrait to the free-photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

For all the flickering lights

light-3130988_960_720Like old wine, strong and seductive, his bitter-sweet smile goes beyond the cold screen, defying the obvious obstacles between them. Thirty years and a thousand oceans. All real, even if only one is made of blue, clear water.

The rest are made of fears. His and hers.

She posts lots of selfies, all from the right angle, with the right light and a positive smile. Likes, comments, compliments…she secretly doubts the honesty of their words, but still, she cannot stop herself from enjoying the attention.

With trembling hands, she sent him her favorite photo. The one where her eyes appear as greener than the summery grass.

He considers himself a man of God and this gives him a sense of pride. And a set of moral rules used as a loaded gun, pointed straight to her heart. He judges and he blames every part of her story, wrapping cruel words in humor and irony.

He shows no mercy, no compassion, no tolerance.

She considers herself an empath and that’s more of a curse than a blessing to her. That’s why she sees the flickering light inside him, that’s why she cares too much for a complete stranger, that’s why she opens up in ways she never should.

She’s dangerously vulnerable in a world made of wolves.

He blocks her and deletes all of their chats, complimenting himself for being self-righteous and strong in his faith. For, in his eyes, Christianity is nothing but a battle, a war against anyone who’s less than perfect.

He’s praying to a God that never responds and never forgives.

His rejection sends her to a place of darkness. Scarred, ugly, stupid and evil, that’s how she portraits herself in the inner mirrors. She cries, but tears offer no relief from this old, familiar pain. The wounds are open and they’re bleeding so deep, so hopelessly deep…

That’s when she starts praying. For him. And tears of joy fill her tired eyes when all she feels is a complete, miraculous, life-giving forgiveness.

She smiles to herself thinking of the labyrinth we call life. Sometimes we get lost and, in our loneliness, we do follow flickering lights. She did it, I surely did it too. But when these lights are guiding us to dark places, when all we hear are hateful words…

Oh, when faith itself is used as a gun!

That’s when we need a greater Love.

Please pray for all the flickering lights out there.

(Inspired by a real story. Thank you, T.)

 

 

The photo is from the free photo website http://www.pixabay.com

 

Before I even knew…

bright-1853624_960_720The storm was brewing inside me, chasing my hopes away, alluring me fly back to a long forgotten place.

Here, where nothing is quite as it seems and black eyes are watching behind phony mirrors.

Where snakes wear crowns of gold and lambs are trading their innocence for momentary glimpses of lust and fantasy.

Where preachers call sinners to repentance, but knees never bent and tears never fall…and promises remain unspoken.

Where hearts never break, for they were made of thin air, black smoke and ghostly wind.

And we are all the same, here in the storm. Lost souls, clinging to memories of dreams, unable to see a guiding light, falling, breaking down, crushed by the sharp edges of an icy embrace. When have we forgotten our true essence?

For we were light before becoming darkness, and we flew high before tasting the abyss. Yes, we had faith before the hate took over! And we knew love before crying our tears of blood.

I see you here, little star, calling out your demons, challenging them to a fair fight. Wild and rebellious, innocent and free, unaware of your beauty…I see you and I cry. You do remind me of myself somehow. Are you the one I cannot find in my mirrors?

It seems like a thousand years of searching…but it was all worth it. For I have found the lost girl, the little star who’s love used to change destinies. Here she is, Here I am!

For I was saved long before I even knew I need salvation…

 

 

The photo is from http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let me hold you…

68281533_2631272606903364_8485486330300596224_nLet me run my fingers through your hair, I know you remember the sweet sensation of letting go…Oh, how tense your shoulders must feel, carrying all your secret pain…So let me play with your soft curls…

Let me whisper sweet little words in your ear, I know you’re tired of all the irony and anger…Oh, how hurt you must be when only sarcasm breaks this agonizing silence…So let me whisper sweet words of love…

Let me bathe you in rose petals, I know you love the mesmerizing perfume of flowers on your bare skin…Oh, how lonely you must feel when blind eyes are starring at your naked beauty…So let me bathe you in soft petals and gentle touches…

Let me take you to a place of wonders, I know your dreams were full of colors and joy…Oh, how scared you must feel when darkness haunts you and breaks you every single night…So let me take you to a place of dreams…

I will make you feel safe, just let me hold you…

You are so lonely and so sad, so scared and tired, so hurt and desperate…

So unwanted and unloved.

But if you let me, I will hold you and you won’t feel the pain…only the peace, only the dream, only the dark…So let me hold you for the last time.

That’s how he lied and I almost believed. Too many times, in too many ways…he held me through my blindness, taking me straight into the darkest night. He promised me the safety of an eternal love, but all I’m left with are the ever-bleeding cuts and bruises.

He has so many names and he never reveals them all. What is it? Depression? Or Anxiety? Maybe Borderline? Perhaps is Bipolar? All of them and even more? He cruelly laughs while I desperately try to define it, in order to control it. He plays with notions and symptoms, while guiding me to the end of the road.

I said no today and all the lies turned to smoke.

And then I raised my tired eyes. Yes, I am loved!

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

 

Are you scared enough?

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His eyes have the serenity of a different world, and no shadow can cast its wicked spell upon them. The deep peace within the white of his unseen wings makes the icy wall melt. Here…this is my heart, laying defenseless in his palms…

-What are you truly searching, sweet soul?

-I needed you…it’s a long time since this door was closed…Out of bravery, I thought…

-So, now, you’re too tired to be brave?

-I was wrong. In my arrogance, I convinced myself that I need no one! 

-You know I was there all the time, even in your deepest loneliness. Even in your nightmares…

His words have the taste of sweet honey, poured upon a thirsty heart. Butterflies and roses, clear water in my eyes, perfumed kisses on my forehead…He knows the longings of this angry soul. He knows there’s nothing I can offer. For what I’m bringing is my darkness and the flames I’m facing every time I close my eyes.

Still, with nothing left to lose, carrying the hurt and the despair of to many sleepless nights, here I lay the darkness, here I bring my pain. And if I’d have the right, I’d pray for the innocent eyes to never see what I see…

-Tell me about the demons.

-It’s not just every night, it’s every time I fall asleep. I’m seeing things beyond the most terrifying stories of hell. I’m fighting vivid nightmares, they attack me even when I’m down, crawling…

-Symbols of cruelty and evil.

-Wild beasts, angry wolves, dark winds, hurricanes that whisper hateful words…

-And then, the pact.

-The pact. When all these nightmares suddenly stopped and a gentle sun covered my teared face. It was peace for a brief moment and I cried in joy, thinking I was free. Then I saw him.

-He spoke to you, he told you what to do.

-Yes. He told me the one thing he needed from me. The one thing that’ll stop the nightmares, the torment, the pain. It was supposed to save the ones I love. It was supposed to set me free!

The one thing you cannot give.

-My life. It wasn’t me who created it, how could I end it? 

-He asked you if you’re scared enough.

-I was shaking, there was no way to deny it. Yes, I was scared enough!

-Scared enough to give in?

Scared enough to ask for your help. But you already knew it, didn’t you?

-I did, but you needed to be reminded that no one is left alone in this battle. No one fights for their life by themselves!

I thanked him and I closed my eyes. Peacefully dreaming, joyfully resting my tired eyes. There are no guarantees they wont come back. My nightmares. But one thing I know for sure: I wont face them alone…

 

 

Image from my personal collection

 

 

 

In my bewildered eyes…

64225608_2531679586862667_2449060351556190208_nHe took my hand and asked me to trust him, ’cause the place he’s taking me to is not for the faint of heart. I closed my eyes, I said a prayer, I promised I’ll follow his hollowing voice ’till the end of my time…

“Lay with me here, on the silky grass, here where the sky aligns the clouds in so many mysterious ways…

It’s blue, too blue…and warm…

I need you to see through my eyes, my love, I’m lost behind a wall of fears I cannot break, nor look above it!

It’s deep, too deep…this loneliness…deeper than the ocean above us…

Don’t mind my tremble, just open your heart and tell me…what do you see up there?

It’s close, too close…could be a storm…could be a sign…

Don’t cry…

It’s real, too real…I wish I were with you…

Just take my hand, you’re starting to believe it now, my darling…the signs, the wonders, the demons and the storms, they were meant to be…

It’s dark, too dark…my path and yours…

Can you see it too? In my dreams, we always see the same signs, for our hearts are one and our souls have wings…but you, sweet butterfly, you always run, and I never know…

It’s blind, too blind…the faith that guides me…

Blind enough to love the unlovable?

I see an angel of light coming from above, looking straight into our souls. I see the justice he’s bringing, for all the unknown martyrs. I see love, a love so pure and beautiful…I see healing and joy…after the storm…Can you see the angel too? Or is it just a cloud, reflected in my bewildered eyes…

Open your eyes now!

Wait…So, was it just a dream? The love I felt, the blue above me, the warmth of your heart…

What’s life if not a mysterious dream, filled with signs and wonders that we refuse to see?

But I did…I did the right thing…where are you? Why am I so alone?

Shhhtttt…wipe away your tears and raise your eyes! Look up now!”

Do you see it?

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

 

There’s a wolf out there! (watch out, children!)

 

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He’s waiting in the dark, every single night, hungrily preying on my weakened soul. Red eyes, sharp teeth, wicked claws – deceiving shadow in the ever lasting nights…

He wants nothing less than a taste of eternity and he knows how to get it! Stealing my life, he promises the one thing he cannot give: peace.

Lost in my sleeplessness, numbed by the emptiness inside…that’s how he wants me, a shell of broken dreams, unaware of the wonders given upon me…

He wants me to feel nothing! That’s how you know…

You know he bit you when tears turn to blood and your book of life turns grey. When there are no colors to paint the raging world outside…

…when you’re a walking dead, with ghostly eyes and sealed emotions!

And they will call you lazy…

and they will think you’re blind…

So they will offer their expertise, advises, solutions…little miracles all boxed and ready to be used!

But nothing works, because the wolf is here, cruelly laughing at their pointless efforts.

He’s waiting in the dark, he knows the taste of my blood and the warmth of my tears. Bold and reckless, thirsty for the light inside me, he gave me no choice…

…but to fight for my soul!

Watch out, children of God, there’s a wolf outside. Take your prayers as your unbeatable armor, remember the love we were given, call an army of angels if that’s what it takes!

To destroy the beast for ever.

 

 

Title inspired by Kelly Family’s song “The wolf” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIJKeOc4Vvc

Photo from my personal collection

The one who heals…

demon-drawing-depression-7The little girl was standing on the balcony a little too close to the edge, but, this time, sadness was stronger than fear. She always avoided the highs, the peaks, the sharp edges, the tall surfaces. Anything that would get her close to falling…

She heard the voice, louder and clearer, it brought chills to her spine, it always did. She knew she’s just a step away, but, this time, anger was stronger than panic. She wiped away her tears, there was nothing left to lose, only a life she no longer considered worthy of living…

Not like this.

So she climbed to the highest surface, the place that turns the city lights into small candles disappearing in the darkness. Her heart was spiraling into a place where love fades away in more than one overwhelming way…

You did well so far. 

She tried to silence the voice, but it was stuck somewhere inside her, part of her being, part of her darkness. Tired of fighting, tired of tears…tired of asking herself if life could be any different…she was now contemplating the falling.

It doesn’t hurt.

The voice was calm and alluring, calling her, tempting her, promising an eternity of lost memories. Her parents fighting, her father drowning in alcohol, her mother smoking, depression, panic attacks every school morning, the bullying, feeling inferior, social phobia, anorexia, abuse, poverty…Yes, that’s what she will forget!

It will be like falling asleep, all dark, all safe, all peaceful.

That’s when she realized that the voice is lying. Peaceful? she asked.

Yes, peaceful.

Like nothing bad ever happened to me?

Yes, like all the pain is taken away.

Taken away by whom? By you? she shouted.

Hey, if you are that powerful, if you are that wonderful, if you are that strong…

Than why the hell weren’t you capable of healing my life until now? Answer, answer now, or I swear, I will spend the rest of my life haunting you!

Because…

the voice was chocking, barely whispering, but the words came clear:

…because I cannot heal, I only destroy…

The little girl climbed down from the sharp edge of the balcony, back to safety. Her tears were falling free, her hair war flying in the cold midnight wind, her hands were trembling, but she stood brave.

Abuse, fears, poverty, shame, bullying, neglect, anorexia, depression…

Step by step, she will overcome every demon who crosses her path.

By the power of The One who heals.

 

 

I found the image at: https://ayoqq.org/explore/demon-drawing-depression/