I am the ghost of the girl you loved…

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She almost knocked me down with her pink bicycle, rushing like a storm through the people around. I don’t know if I was her only target, but she definitely dreamed of seeing me down, bleeding on the sidewalk. It didn’t happen, not this time, not here.

My salvation was not one of those “lucky chances”, or at least I chose not to see it that way. It was something angelic in the arms that pulled me away, something very soothing and serene in the voice that asked me if I’m alright.

The calming voice asked me if I know the girl who seemed to want nothing more than my disappearance. I know her anger, I said. Her bitterness and hate, the dark voices occupying the place where it used to be light.  She’s hurt and she’s alone in a battle that overwhelms even the strongest hearts.

The strong arms held me through my salvation and I was blessed to feel protected. How I wish she could run straight into the arms of love, instead of angrily storming into the claws of devastation. The tender voice remained silent in the face of my gratitude, but, then, it praised my will to forgive.

I know this girl…

She spends every awaken hour talking to the voices inside her. She believes that life took something away from her, so she’s craving for revenge. She fools her own heart, pretending to be a savage predator. I fear for her…

For the day she’ll discover how much of a victim she became. How the pieces of a broken love can be so sharp, they can cut so deep! I fear for the moment when she’ll stop hating me…for she would have to face her own vulnerability.

She is the girl who’s heart cried in vain for a love he took away.

How would I blame an empty shell? I asked in a broken voice, hiding my tears streamed face into his loving arms…but this would be just another lie, wouldn’t it be? the celestial voice replied.

For it is written for us to never be empty. And to never be alone.

Free will…a blessing or a curse? Yes, it’s a matter of choice if we fill our hearts with light, or we leave ourselves consumed by darkness.

Alone…this is not a choice, nor a possibility. Not in this life, not in the eternal one. Around us, every step we take, angels are watching. Closer than we’ll ever be willing to admit.

“If she’s the girl who loved in vain, ’till her heart turned into ice, then who are you?” playfully asked the innocent voice.

You know me, I whispered with a sad smile. I am her ghost…

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/1LRQe

Title inspired by Christina Perri’s song “The Lonely” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhQ1c1MsYv0

 

 

 

 

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In case you failed to notice…

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I stood there, on his doorstep, wearing nothing but the cold rain in my body and soul. Frightened and alone, my sense of shame is tearing me apart at the very thought of stepping inside. He’ll break me once again…

He saw the rain in my eyes and needed no words. Somewhere along the path I lost myself and somehow he knew how to bring me here. Wordlessly and blindly, he took my hand to guide me inside. To the warmth of the fire…

I wanted to cry, but enough tears were wasted by the wandering clouds. Above us, up to the grey skies, God is watching with a smile. A sign of forgiveness. I’m standing here, but my bleeding heart belongs to the storm outside…

The rain looks good on you, darling…

You’re the reason for my storms…

I’m the reason for your sparkling eyes, my love…

They’re sparkling out of tears. You only see the rain…

I only see your loneliness, dear…

You love this…like a master of puppets loves the life he puts within the lifeless…

I love you, you make me feel powerful, sweet one…

Your power is my weakness and it breaks me every time…

That’s our precious secret, no one knows you’re mine, little one…

I have no one…

Then stay and give yourself to me. The sky above you already forgave this crime, for it’s meant to be your destiny. See, precious one? I’m still here, I’ll always be here to hold you…

No one…

Yes, no one can make you smile, nor fill the emptiness inside you. No one loves you in the rain…Their little hearts are addicted to sunshine, beautiful one…

His hunger devoured my fragile inner strength and the light faded away while the rain shouted angry curses to the world. I took my bare soul and gave it all, just to feed this void. He held me even if there was nothing left to give. For a brief moment, he kept his promises and he was the one for me…

No one…

No one loves you like I do, no one wants you like I will…

My words remained unspoken and my heart stayed cold. He tasted the bitter trace of tears on my cheeks and decided that it’s time for the curtain fall.

Sweet madness, what is your favorite path through the falling rain?

For I am still outside, in the cold, wearing the yesterday’s storms.  Still chasing away temptations and demons. Falling, from time to time, rising above in the name of faith. Wondering about them, the loved ones. Why do they always fail to notice?

There’s another standing at his doorstep. Wearing nothing but the rain inside her. One moment from now it may be too late. Don’t call her “an addict”, just call her out…

 

 

I found the picture at: http://sharequotes4you.com/p/sad-crying-girl-alone-in-rain

Title inspired by Jewel’s song “Foolish games” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKvlDrf-_L8

 

Worthy of love!

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The sensation was a freezing cold kind of pain, it spread through my body, leaving my heart numb and my voice soundless. But the echoes of my conscience kept pushing me forward, one step at the time. In a place that, once upon a time, was called the bridge of fire

I knew he’s waiting for me, my yellowed eyes demon with his fire and his torches and his anger! I prayed I’d find him before it’s too late, but my abysses were filled with ice and where, a lifetime ago, were flames and smoke, now it was only a devastating white desperation.

The trembling shadow whit ghostly eyes seemed to wait for nothing but death itself. No sharp claws, no threatening grins, no blasphemous curses. Nothing to destroy me, nothing to feed the devouring fires of hell. Just a lonely boy with a frozen heart, desperately trying to put the pieces back together.

Here he is and there I am…So close, I can almost feel his pain and I know it’s real. I also know my gift and my mission. The voice inside me speaks loud and clear, words of love, words of faith. And my arms are ready to warm him up, back to life, back to love…

For one thing it’s certain and beyond any doubt…

“The day you stopped fighting was the day your heart froze. And I fell out of hell, just to pick up the pieces. It was a beautiful heart…”

He cried as he spoke his truths. I cried as I held his fragile soul. I cried as I fell in love with everything that was imperfect in him. As in myself.

“How does it feel…to see me so breakable…so human…The angel of dark. Your demon. The one you pushed, you broke, you set on fire and you fought with everything in you. Am I worthy of love, even if I was born of hate?”

He pleaded for my love, as if he ever needed to plead…

And I pleaded for my salvation, as I never pleaded before…

And the voice from above spoke loud and clear. Words of love, words of healing and acceptance. Questions that my conscience needs to answer in the most honest and truthful way.

How does it feel to see yourself as less than perfect?

Less than angelic, because your heart was touched by fire. Less than demonic, for the light you’re carrying is a divine one. 

Human, simply human. Loved, above anything else in this world. 

Treasured, even with your dark side, your rebellious fights and your insecurities.

Yes, worthy of love, even if, once upon a time, you called yourself a demon…

 

 

I found the image at: https://design.tutsplus.com/tutorials/create-an-angelic-sculpture-made-of-ice-in-photoshop–psd-7383

Some of them want to use you…

lunatik-710x400The boy took off his mask, as he sat quietly on the edge of the roof, so I was able to take a closer look into his deep brown eyes. His fingers, still holding his mask, were trembling…I took the chance to hold his hand, just like I was already holding his heart – oh, little struggling bird – why do we always chose distance from closeness? Anger from vulnerability…

The boy was sad enough to be honest. The demon mask wasn’t going to protect him, not when loneliness settles in, still, he wouldn’t let it go. His darkness was made of fear, so how do I break the walls without breaking his heart? The answer came quickly, simple and wise.

“Show me the place where you met The Shadow. I need to see it.”

This took me by surprise. Oh, what a foolish thought, to believe I’m in control. Is it my own vulnerability the only guarantee he needs? Will it make him feel safe enough to try…to be human again? There was only one way…

At the distance of a memory, there’s the green field where my heart found love. Here we are, it’s me now, the one trembling. I’m scared of my memories, I’m scared of missing the arms that held me, I want to run away and I want to stay, to hold this boy’s hand, to help him cross the line. Do I still know the way back from this world of shadows, demons and lost souls?

“I needed to see the place, to feel its beauty. This is Love, vibrating in every petal of every flower. It’s you, in every gentle ray of light…”

It’s me without the one I loved so much. I thought I’m just an empty shell that God, in His mercy, filled with faith, hope and a love we call supreme. I was wrong…all my definition about myself are pale and inconsistent, dancing capriciously on the edge of madness. I’m ready to give in…

“Give me your heart, it’s all I need…and I promise…my demon mask will be lost forever. I need the peace I’m sensing within you! You lured me into your marvelous territory, so now I’m an addict. I want what I see in you. I want to devour your serenity, to bathe in your restfulness splendor.”

I see the light in his eyes and I smile. He’s nothing but a child…just like me, just like every lost soul that crossed the line in a desperate search of love.

“I cannot give you my heart, for it doesn’t belong to me, not anymore. And I cannot give you peace. Simply because, what you sensed in me is nothing but the purest reflection of the peace I sensed in you…”

“But this place…your place?”

“You created it, to embrace your own serenity. See, you may not feel ready to cross the line back to the real world, but your heart has already made the step.”

He gave me his demon mask.

“Here it is, use it wisely. You’ll need it because here, more than in real life, some of them will try to use you. To cling to you, to bite the very core of your faith, to imprison your dreams…For they are nothing but hungry for a love they rejected long ago. Please use it while I find my way back to humanity.”

I hugged him tight, wishing him all the love in the world.

Alone, in the place where I met The Shadow, with a heart that loved too much to survive the storm, I threw away the demon mask. Way into the abyss!

For one thing is sure…

As long as I have my angel wings, even broken, even hurt, even lost or misguided…

…this is the only shelter I’ll ever need.

 

 

I found the image at: http://pochemu-otchego.info/pochemu/pochemu-nelzya/pochemu-nelzya-budit-lunatikov/

 

Don’t you know? It’s the end of the world…

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Dedicated to Rebecca –

I met him on the bridge of fire, he was walking with dreamy eyes and a careless attitude that always fascinated me. His boyish smile was enough to make me forget where I am, so the walls crumbled down and I ran into his arms.

He needed no weapon to convince me to follow him deeper into the world of shadows. He awakened memories, long forgotten smiles and a feeling I never imagined possible for me. Because feeling safe was far more important than feeling loved and he knew it!

He promised me a shelter and a place I could call “home”. I listened, hypnotized by the gentle tone of his voice. He asked me to trust him and that’s when I felt a cold shiver running through my veins. Old vows like “I wont trust the shadows, for they belong to the darkness…” went down the black water of oblivion.

What a happy day! I told myself.

What a joyful encounter! He whispered in my ear.

What a foolish gesture! To break down my defenses, for him to see inside…

His fingers draw undiscovered paths on my skin, the air become fire and, before I realized, he lured me into his world. His castle became my home for a second that lasted an eternity. He asked me to stay there, with him, for him, to be his. I almost said yes.

But then again…my blindness couldn’t last for ever. Nor my vulnerability! I needed freedom like I needed air! My way out of this labyrinth of chaos and destruction.

What happened to you? I asked with an undisguised tremble. You used to be so kind, you used to say the nicest things…You used to search for the light! And now?

Surrounded by demonic statues and stoned snakes, he lifted his shoulders, pointing around him.

“This is what happened. I got bored, I got stuck and there was no one to join me for eternity. What’s the point of going to Heaven, if all I found was an empty place? So I fell, like all of them. You call them demons? I call them friends.”

I cried at the thought of light turned into darkness. I felt nothing but compassion for the deceived one. He wiped away my tears.

“As for you…Maybe you’re my reward. Maybe I’m your curse. I’m not that bad and you’re not that good, we’re both just hiding from the storm.”

I demanded him to take me back home and he laughed.

“Why would you go home? Don’t you know? It’s the end of the world…it started while we were missing, in our quest for light, giving hope to the hopeless and love to the loveless. We were saving a dying world! Noble, but so foolish!”

That’s when I knew…I wont be deceived, I wont be leaded into temptation. Not this time, for this is not about me! It’s his story, his second chance and I’m here as an instrument of Love. A dream come true for me, a miracle for him. So I fell on my knees, asking God to love what’s beyond forgiveness…

I’ll never meet him on the bridge of fire, never again. For I was forgiven and he was saved. That’s the measure of our God’s love. Beyond any border…

 

 

The source of the image: http://www.upsocl.com/creatividad/10-ideas-para-crear-ingeniosas-alas-para-disfraces-de-hadas/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I see you…(can you see me?)

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They said it’s a haunted place, so I shouldn’t be here when the moon is lonely over the dark lake. Haunted by melancholy, I saw no danger except for my bitter-sweet nostalgia. The one that leaded my steps so close to the edge…

They said there’s a ghost trying to sneak into the surface of what we call reality, so I should stay away from these deep waters. Ghosting into the abyss of my own desires, I saw no reason to stay on the safe side…

They said it’s a curse that’s drowning the innocents into the darkest of the dark, so I should better avoid the unknown. I laughed. I’m barely awake, drunk and weary into my own ocean of lost dreams, but not even there I would call myself innocent.

It’s my night and they wont stop me, not with their unwanted advises, not by shouting out loud from the other side, not through threats and promises, sweet lies and hurtful truths. There’s nothing they could offer and there’s nothing they could take. Brave or foolish, romantic or depressed, irresponsible or heroic they’ll call me!

Who knows, for I won’t be here anymore.

I see you, Innocent one, come, follow me…

And she smiles seductively, taking me to the place where the lonely moon never shined above.

I see you and I know you, I know where you come from…

Her voice like a melody reminds me of my childhood and I try not to cry, but tears flow freely, disturbing the mirror-clear surface of the dark lake.

Don’t cry, Innocent dove, the gates of your golden cage are wide open…

She promises freedom and painless dreams and I wish…oh, how I wish I could believe her!

But I’m far from being innocent.

And my darkness is far from being peaceful.

I am expected to return, back to life, back to light. One day…

So I must go and she must cry…

For she was real and I was her ghost…for much too long.

 

 

 

The source of the image: http://www.pinsdaddy.com/ghost-haunted-lakes_Mt1zgLcu3JvPBcGr8dCkTDSH5OilmT9SIgFPcmzXCTs/

The weakness in my faith…

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The yellowed eyes demon grinned with an undisguised superiority.

So illogical and so foolish, but I admit, it was funny! Now, seeing you crawling, really doesn’t humor me anymore. You are becoming boring and predictable. Your bravery is nothing but a pathetic attempt and your faith is nothing but a joke. LOL, as you, human creatures love to say.”

I could see myself, really clear, like from a mirror, but this image was so different from what I hoped it would be. Naked and ashamed, frightened and fearful, broken and frail. Searching desperately for a sign.

“Oh, are you looking for this?”

He pushed away my burning Bible, laughing cruelly at the sight of my bloody hands, trying to gather the broken pages.

“Ashes and smoke! And you thought this was your shelter! Your salvation! Is this how you’re going to fight me?”

I wasn’t going to answer. My mind was feverishly searching for the moment when I fell.

“Let me remind you. You came to me, holding your book like a sword, so proudly parading with your faith and your light and your love! LOL again! You were so easy, too easily to defeat. Look at you now, where is your shelter? Poor creature, created by an absent Creator!”

That’s when I understood. My choice was wrong from the very moment when I decided to be in control. My supremacy was nothing but a trap and I fell right in it. The hunter turned into a weak prey and that’s only because I forgot…

To ask for help…

To invoke His love and protection…

To see myself the way I truly am…

naked, broken and afraid.

The yellowed eyes demon raised his black sword upon me.

“If you only knew the power of your lowliness, you’d be brighter than the stars. You would be the one holding the sword of faith upon me.”

I closed my eyes, ready for a blow that never came.

“I’m not meant to break your wings, foolish human creature. Why would I, when you are so good on doing this for yourself! Even so, the lesson remains and the warning stays.”

See yourself for who you really are. 

Broken, naked, burned or beaten.

Frightened, fearful, hopeless or ashamed.

You are still beautiful because He sees you this way…

Thank you, Father, for always seeing the beauty in us, your beloved children.

 

 

How could this love be in danger…

let-go-816x428Let’s give ourselves one year…

So that our story could be different and we’d fight this unfair fate that turned us into strangers. We’d break down all the walls we worked so hard to build. Between us…

So that we’d run to each other with open arms and honest hearts. It is the right thing, the God’s most precious gift for us, the one we’d fight for an eternity and beyond. Our love… 

That’s what he told her with tears in his eyes, gently caressing her hair. Searching for a long gone light. Inside her. But she remained silent, only the dark circles surrounding her (-once green-) eyes seemed to lift their silent prayer to the clear sky. He took her in his warm arms, but she pulled away.

Pain. Let go.

And he let her fall down, once again, a repetitive lesson of failure.

I don’t want my love to destroy you. I just need you…

Let’s say our vows again. I promise to love you and protect you. I swear I wont be afraid, never again! I will never run and hide into the icy shelters of this selfish pride. 

I only demand one year. One year of love. Complete, passionate, tender, free. Ours.

Black tears and lost shadows were dancing around her and he knew. They will not be given one more year. They will never dance again. His desperate vows and demands will be met by a silent sky. And he’ll only embrace her when the summer’s wind will sweetly caress his -once careless- hair.

He’ll only love her in his dreams.

Just one month!

One day!

One hour! Is it too much to ask from you? Are you that blind to pain and suffering? Are you even there? Do you even care? If you do, just know that I am sorry. And I’m ready to beg for one more hour.

I’ll kiss her slowly and tender. I wont rush this time. I’ll take my time to listen to every breath and every beating of her heart. I’ll treasure every touch, I’ll cherish every word. I’ll taste the sweetness of her happy tears and I’ll pray with her. 

I will make her happy. 

She smiled. With pale, trembling fingers, she touched his lips, stopping this blasphemy. What’s another hour when you’re facing eternity? What’s love when you cannot forgive yourself?

For wasting every chance. Love, life, youth, wisdom, beauty, blessing! What a loss!

All for them, all given by the highest power of the universe. The same power that opened the gates of Heaven, turning pain into peace.

So you know the story, my love. We may not be given one more hour. Regardless of the pain and anger you’ll address to the stormy sky. I see your -once loving- eyes filled with remorse. Could you love me now?

Life goes on, time is slipping away, one year, one day, one hour…

How about now?

Will your choices remain the same?

 

 

The source of the image: http://www.quoteambition.com/letting-go-moving-on-quotes-images/

 

Still growing wings (II) (more than victims)

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She dreamed of this ivory dress ever since she was a little girl…and now, wearing the white veil, dancing on her  silvery high-heels (another dreamed come true), she felt so shy, so little and vulnerable. Alone in the special bride’s room, in the old church, she needed a hug, more than anything in the world.

Tears were not allowed and she knew it. The make up itself costed a small fortune and the veil was so delicate and soft that any trace of tear would have been a stain. Her appearance in the church was designed to be a moment of success. Still, staying there, all alone, she found herself dreaming of moon lights and the touch of waves on her bare feet…and love…

She intuited the threat and she felt the danger. She sensed the smell and the cruel shine of the knife edge paralyzed her. The man had a scarf over his face, but stains of blood were around his eyes and forehead. And she knew is much too late…

to run…

to beg…

to cry…

to say goodbye.

And she wanted to cry for all the people waiting for her in the church. For the wasted love. For the ivory dress and for the white veil. For the unspoken words.

She wanted to cry, but she found herself smiling and turning to face the demon, not even aware of this strange inner strength. Her lips moved and she spoke words she wouldn’t recognized as her own. No tremble in the delicate hands that cupped his face.

“It’s alright, I wont hurt you. You’re safe with me, please don’t cry…”

Her voice sounded like a melody and he knelt in front of her. She caressed his hair, noticing how he’s clinging to his knife, shaking and praying and saying meaningless words.

“I know the feeling of having no one to care. Loneliness and fear…I know the pain of love turned into anger. You are not alone.”

He touched her veil, leaving a dark trace. She felt him convulsing like electrocuted when he saw the dirt on the fine fabric. He dropped the knife and she hugged him, lifting his face so he could look into her eyes, then gently touching his shoulders to make him stand.

“You’re just like me…and we’re more than victims. We’re always praying for peace and light, but somehow we’re turning to darkness. Don’t worry about the veil, it was meant to cover my eyes. Why would it…when all I ever wanted was to see LOVE becoming real?

He suddenly grabbed the knife whispering “I’m sorry” in the most terrifying and harsh voice she ever heard.

She felt pushed on the wall behind her. The little mirror broke into small pieces and, for a moment, she thought she’s seeing a glow…a presence…the touch of wings…warmth…LOVE.

She was alive and he was running. No Heaven. no angels, no sound of violins. Just the miracle of being alive. And a world who’ll always see her through a white veil…

She was never an angel, but she was meant to shine. Just like you, just like me.

Just like all of us, children of God and witnesses of a new, miraculous tomorrow.

 

Here you can read the story from his perspective: https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2018/04/26/still-growing-wings/

The source of the picture: http://wetietheknots.com/category/wedding-fashion/page/2/

Still growing wings…

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“She looked so pure and sweet in her ivory dress! Just like a little girl always dreaming to become a princess, she was playing her role perfectly. Grace and elegance within every little gesture, brightness in her eyes and in her smile…And I…”

Please continue. You…

“I was there, witnessing the becoming of an angel. In my eyes and in my soul, beyond fears and doubts, a new sunrise just embraced me in light. And I knew, the time has come for me to fulfill my destiny.”

What was your destiny?

“Her. She was my destiny and fate never lies. I waited until she was alone and I saw her making a pirouette and rehearsing some dance steps, all alone. I got so close that I could sensed her perfume. Delicate like a white rose, wild like a black orchid, sweet like an angel singing. I was prepared…”

To kill her?

“No, it wasn’t like that! I was just…she was just…growing wings. She just…”

She was just a bride on her wedding day. Not an angel, not a vision. 

“Then why wasn’t she scared? My face was deformed, swollen and bruised. I was like a savage in front of a porcelain princess. I saw my reflection in the mirror of her eyes. And I cried. And I knelt. The ritual demanded humility and penitence.”

Tell me about the knife. 

“No, not yet. You did not ask about the miracle. She was not scared, she was…”

Yes?

“She looked at me with a sad smile. Her delicate hands touched my shoulders and helped me stand. She had a white tissue and she wiped the blood of my face. And she talked to me…and I was so mesmerized that I couldn’t understand. It was like a melody. Sweet words, comforting and calming, so full of love and compassion. I don’t remember…but I’m sure I saw tears in her eyes. Do you think she cried for me?”

Let’s talk about the knife. 

“I used it. I took it out of my coat and I kept it hidden, so she wouldn’t be scared. It should had been painless…A little innocent lamb, unaware of the cruelty of this dark world.”

So you did kill her? Are you confessing a crime?

“I’m confessing the crime of touching her white veil with my dirty hands. It smelled like vanilla…It was a crime and I was impure. But she forgave me…she did. Even for running away from her. Even for not giving her wings. I ran and I cried in a bush outside of that old church.”

Remember, you said you used the knife.

“I cut the hand that was going to harm her. I cut it to the bone! In tears and blood I found my salvation. I was redeemed and made new.”

By whom?

“You know the answer.”

Where is she now?

“Somewhere in the world, living an extraordinary life. Getting too close to darkness sometimes. Praying for a freedom she always had. Still growing wings.”

Are you in love with her?

“I hate her! With everything in me! I really hate her…”

Why?

“Because hating her means keeping her safe. And loving her would be like touching that white veil all over again. With hands that carry dirt, blood, guilt and violence.”

Wait! Are you playing with my mind? Are we talking about a girl? A possible victim?

“Of course not, don’t be such a fool. It was all along, all about Light. And you asked the wrong questions…again.”

I left the room, a little confused, a little frustrated, a little upset…leaving him with his paintings. I heard him laughing, like he would be planning the perfect prank. Talking to an unseen ghost…

“See, I told you we’ll fool her. No, it was not a lie, we don’t lie! How was I supposed to tell her? Was about Light…and she is Light…(with a nervous laugh)…and it’s not about the past. Somewhere in the future…Now leave her alone! She’s still growing wings…!”

 

 

The source of the image: https://www.livemaster.com/item/6246197-wedding-gifts-oil-painting-pearl-bride