When love was nothing but a battle cry

3524484971_a524f481d3_bDo you like this fragrance of smoke in my hair?

I wrote you a thousand letters and, with each one of them, I loved you a little more. Sweet lines with bitter meanings and big words with senseless metaphors, yet, you forgave my lack of judgement in each and every promise I made. You tried to decipher the empty spaces, unaware that the key is buried deep inside me.

Do you like when my eyes are changing from green to fire-bright carnelian?

I wrote you a million poems and, when rhymes faded away, I used my tears to paint a proper ending to my endless questions. You were the hero and I was your muse, you saved the world and I was saving you, you got the glory, I got insecure. I failed again, this pain has no rhythm, it’s blank and white and cruel!

Do you like the warmth of my hands on your body?

I wrote you a love song, inspired by the way you’re undressing my shivering soul, leaving me naked and ashamed in the spotlight. You listened and asked for more of this passionate, self-destructive desire. You loved the harmony in my whispers and you wanted me to teach you how to play. Guitar, violin, piano, my heart…you played them beautifully. Then, bored and lonely, you deleted my song from your playlist.

Do you like my slow, sensual dances under the moonlight?

I wrote you a made-up story about the boy on the moon who saved the sad girl from falling. I sent you a page every day, so that you could add some more drama, some more mystery. Some more love…I saw you laughing, changing the lines, breaking and cutting the thin wire I was hanging on to. You asked for a realistic script.

My love, reality lies broken under my burnt feet and no one wins. Your love was nothing but a battle cry in this war of hearts, my hero. Don’t cry, my boy-from-the-moon, no one will break me anymore…

I wrote a thousand letters and I set them on fire.

This was supposed to heal me, but, instead, I fell in love with the ashes…

 

 

The title was inspired by Tom Neuwirth’s song “Heroes” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puRPBdZPfi8

I found the image at: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/nuvan_buet/3524484971/

 

 

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Even if you cannot hear my voice…

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There’s a blue light I adore, it reminds me of sweet winds and tender sunsets. It takes me back…to the place where the sky kisses the waves and the the mountain embraces the sea. There’s gentleness and love in the deep blue light…

There’s a moment I treasure, it keeps coming back like an old song. Like a precious gift, it’s part of me and it stays unchanged, untouched…Sometimes, in my magical, childlike thinking, I even believe I’m there. And there’s sweetness and joy in the gold, eternal moment…

There’s a touch that keeps my heart warm, no matter how long and dark is the night we’re crossing…It heals me every time I need it, it gives wings to my illusions, it creates nostalgia…There’s peace and hope in the touch I cherish so much and I live for it…

I wish you could remember too…we promised we will…

We’ll find each other where the sun kisses the waves. We’ll be in love there, where the mountain embraces the salty waters. The sand will be warm under my feet and your arms will be strong enough to hold my restless heart…

You wont let go…

I wont run away…

You’ll kiss the trace of my tears, unaware of the storms inside me. I’ll stop you from asking, because, deep in your heart, you already know…

And I’ll whisper sweet words, like lovers do. You’ll promise me that you’ll never forget.

But you did…

So, now, from worlds apart, my voice is calling you through time. How do I cross this border? How do I reach out? I’m still there, in the summer of ’97…I’m still here, whispering sweet nothings…

I still forgive you every time you forget…

 

I found the image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/352336370819643247/?lp=true

The title is inspired by the song “Run” by Leona Lewis https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pelOvxFuJj8

 

 

True love might fall from the sky

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He’s thinking of me…I know it because, every time he does that, my heart becomes a restless bird, impatiently trying to escape her broken cage. It hurts every time he’s thinking of me…

He opens the window and the cold morning air awakens the tremble inside him. His empty arms embrace an imaginary body…mine. And, from worlds apart, the shiver inside me becomes unbearable. I’m freezing…every time he opens the window…

He turns on the radio, hoping to hear my favorite songs, but there are only tragedies. His fingers are wiping imaginary tears. We cried together, seeing the devastation inside our souls and he secretly wishes he would have the cure for every pain in this world. I still cry…every time he listens to a love song…

He smiles in the mirror, rehearsing the roles he’s going to play. The loving husband, the devoted father, the talented business man, the generous neighbor, the faithful christian, the rebel artist…Miles apart, masks are falling and walls are crushing down into my life. I break down…every time he fakes a smile…

He’s ignoring the voice that calls his name. He claims he doesn’t understand the question. He never shares the beauty he sees in the deep, blue sky. He’s deaf to the pleadings and blind to the tears that fall for him…

Insensitive to the love he’s given.

-Hey…what’s so interesting up there? There are only clouds! Come on, give me a hug…true love wont fall from the sky…

-Who knows…it might…

He’s laughing, there, in his world, while my broken heart becomes nothing but a fluffy, airy cloud, on the blue skies of his life.

He’s thinking of me…

He misses my warm body in the cold morning air…

He hears my voice in every love song on the radio…

He wishes he would be the hero in my every story…

This is how I lie to myself. Because I’m not miles away, in another world…I’m just  looking up to a completely different set of clouds, longing for him to hold me. No, this is not another story about a long-distance-relationship!

I’m right here, he’s near me. We’re holding hands…galaxies apart.

 

 

I found the image at: http://jamesharrisgallery.com/artists

Title inspired by the song “Milk and Toast and Honey” by Roxette https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI8TXgDJ09s

Do you want me on my knees?

kiss_you_hard_in_the_pouring_rain_by_kris_kamikakushi-d8j79ttI was walking barefoot, tired and weary, when the skies turned black. It wasn’t unusual to me, it wasn’t strange or frightening. It was my world, my life with the desperation within. I was walking empty and broken when I found him.

He was waving a black flag, a symbol of a war he was longing to win, for he was battling the same angry winds that smashed our spirits to the ground. For an eternity, or so it seemed back then. He was walking in tears of anger when he saw me.

I ran to him like he would be my long lost friend, my prince or my savior. I convinced myself that all my stories are real and I was going to convince him that I’m his fairy. Selfish and naive, I was building a novel around this fantasy of mine. I ran to him like a homeless child searching for a shelter.

He opened his arms and almost smiled. A clear sign of a conqueror, even if the victory was bitter-sweet for him. After all, what kind of joy would bring such an easy prey? Nothing precious, no diamond hidden in a stone, just a broken heart with an uncommon desire to surrender. He opened his arms, but the gates to his heart stayed closed and sealed.

I cried when he first kissed me, and the light in me brightened the black skies. I let it all out, in a hopeless attempt to heal his blindness. But the torment and the pain were still there, no matter how tight I was holding to love! I blamed myself for the loneliness I felt in his arms. I cried when he kissed me, knowing it would be our last kiss.

He called me his princess, just like I always dreamed. He believed my stories and he pronounced the perfect words. And, as my heart was melting in his palms, he took my hand, taking me to a place he called home. He had a certain sadness in his eyes, as he walked me in, through the golden gates. He called me princess, so my cell would be paved with gold.

I searched for the black skies, but all I could see were the thick walls surrounding my golden cage. Locked with no chance to ever escape, to ever walk barefoot by the sea, I started to dream of storms and raging waves, to wash away this devastation inside. Imprisoned without a judgement, without a crime, I broke every vow and torn my innocence apart. I searched for the black skies and begged for an ending to this life sentence.

He admired the golden cage, for it was his creation. Years of anger and bitterness made it even shinier. His efforts were not in vain, for the view was spectacular! A free show, what a shame that the world couldn’t see it! How often can you see a heart breaking in pieces in front of you? How perfect is the soul the gives itself to the flames, just for one short glance at the deep blue in your eyes? He admired the golden cage and decided that the game is boring and dull, but we’ll play it anyway.

I fell on my knees, asking for one thing. One and only. The key.

He offered me his heart instead. 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.deviantart.com/kris-kamikakushi/art/kiss-you-hard-in-the-pouring-rain-515981441

The title is inspired by one of my favorites songs: Scorpions, “Believe in love” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4WArSKK9go

 

 

 

This is my shelter…

jameskerwin-1-900x613It’s broken beyond repair. Big, black holes on the roof, they’re sharp and cruel and they laugh at my pointless effort to see beyond clouds. The sky is covered and there’s no moon to whisper sacred promises, there are no fluffy white angels to hold my broken heart.

It’s just me and the storm, and I wont make it through…

The walls were thin, so I broke them down, convinced that, on the other side, love is sweet. So now rain is hungrily biting pieces of my soul. It tears me down, it makes me crawl, it brings me to my knees! I have nothing left to cover my bleeding heart.

It’s just me and the acid rain drops, and I can’t fight them…

My bed smells like mud and nightmares, so I’m lying awake on the floor, waiting for the next thunder. It’s getting closer and stronger with every lightening, but I’m not afraid. For the first time, I welcome the devastation within me, knowing I have nothing left to lose…

It’s just me and the thunders, and I’m not strong enough…

Everything hurts and everything bleeds, they’re crashing down on me, the remains of my broken shelter! The traces of my broken home…and there’s no one…

It’s just me…

Does Heaven smell like roses? Does it feel like an embrace? Can it take the pain away and replace it with love? Will it repair my broken shelter or simply make a new one? One with love within? May it sing sweet love songs in my ear, so that my heart could blossom again?

Stay strong, homeless heart, I know you’re carrying the weight of the world and a mountain of love. Worry not, sweet soul, for Love is never wasted and Light is never gone. Sing your anthems, little bird of paradise, your Home is one prayer away…

 

 

I found the image at: http://www.fubiz.net/en/2016/06/18/romantic-abandoned-places/

 

 

Let me photograph you in this light…

adry-del-rocio-art-arte-watercolors-painting-there-are-memories-that-not-even-the-sea-can-wash-awayWhite sand through my fingers while I draw little hearts…They wont survive, I know, the sea will wash them all away. His name and mine, two letters united by a destiny we never quite understood. A smiling heart who’s borders were erased by the hungry waters. Sweet, white, fluffy clouds above my dreamy eyes…

I’m here and, still, I’m not.There’s a girl, smiling from this mirror, it’s not me. This is a story written on wet sand, so it’s blurry and complicated, uncertain and mysterious. Please read it anyway.

It was a sunny afternoon…

The sea whispered my name, so it called me to explore the depth and the wild. The dark and the unknown. The distance and the fear. The struggle for air and the temptation of letting all go. It was almost like a game, well-known, old and boring game. I always survive, I always win…I told her, laughing, mocking the big, blue immensity.

In its anger, she shouted blasphemous phrases, channeling all demons, invoking all powers! I rolled my eyes and I laughed again. I am stronger…Oh, how I paid for this arrogance! Because the wave that hit me, carried my heart further than I ever wanted to go…

Golden light and his arms around me, that’s how I woke up…A paradise for our love, to fly free and untamed. His whispered words, delighting my ears with promises of eternity.

“Just stay right here, I want to photograph you in this light…”, so I just laid there, on the empty beach, missing his arms around me…

“Keep smiling, play with your rebel hair in the wind…”, so I just ran my fingers through my hair, missing his perfume on my skin…

“Oh, that’s amazing! Look straight into the camera, I love that sweet, childlike look…”, so I just tried to remember…when love was innocent and honest, sweet and generous…

“Embrace the sand, let its warmth seduce your body, I want to see desire…”, so I just imagined passion, the way I wanted to be, the way it never was…

“I want the sweet sun in your hair and the sea in your eyes!” so I just cried for him.

Sometimes, the pain is hidden in the brightest smile and the camera captures it all. Those are the pictures I love the most. Those are the picture he deletes.

37151901_2065695316794432_8603860065679572992_n“Where are you?” he asked me in the sunset.

I told him the truth.

Remember the heart I drew on the sand? The one with blurry, insecure borders and trembled letters? The one that the sea washed away? 

I think I got trapped inside it…

 

 

 

The image I used is an Adry del Rocio watercolor painting, with the title “There are memories that not even the sea can wash away…” I found the image at https://www.adrydelrocio.art/portfolio-items/adry-del-rocio-art-arte-watercolors-painting-there-are-memories-that-not-even-the-sea-can-wash-away/

 

 

 

And Supergirls don’t cry!

sad_supergirl_by_yon_miyu-d6vrib5

Lying on the red, soft pillows, my mind is embracing the sweet, blissful euphoria, unable to create a single logical thought. Only sensations…like the warmth of my skin on the silky sheets, or your lips on my bare shoulders…it feels somehow unfair, but I can only smile, I can only feel…this “here and now” that people call “dream” and I call heaven…

In this “here and now”, this reality that we created in the name of love, passion, lust and desire, no one loses. You’re so close to me, like never before, and our love is not a frail shadow, but a burning light. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable with you, to let you hear my soft responses…“you make me so happy…”.

I whispered the words and you, with that boldly smile on your face, you ask me if you’re that good. Then you kiss my blushed cheeks and my bright eyes, the lips that are thirsting for you, the body that’s longing to feel you, again and again…the heart that has never felt so whole…

There’s no secret that I want you like no other man was ever desired…and there’s no lie in my pleading for more…we’re not breaking rules and we’re not crossing boundaries, we were meant to be one…So why do I see a shadow in your eyes? Scared and worried, you try to tell me that we need to go…

Oh, I’m not going anywhere, I just found my home and my shelter, here in your arms!

“But, darling, they’re coming…”

I don’t believe you and I’m not afraid. You don’t know, but, in the other “here and now”, in (what they call) real life, I already lost you, you already turned into a stranger. I faced the worse fight – the fight for your love – and I lost! Nothing scares me because there’s nothing left for me to lose.

You seem distracted and you cannot relate with my words. Are we okay? You and me… I ask feverishly and my heart is one beat away from desperation. You caress my hair.

“Sweet love, the danger comes from the outside, not from you-and-me…”

Not from the inside…I take a deep breath and I’m alive again! See, you’re safe with me…I’m a warrior by nature and that’s the thing I know the best! That’s what I do on a daily basis, I fight demons, ghosts, shadows, temptations! I’m strong and I’m skilled!

I can cross through fire! I can survive the acid rain! I’m faster than the thunders! I’m fearless when it comes to facing evil! I can even move mountains! I defeated death more than one time! I’m The Supergirl! Why don’t you believe me?

What I can’t do…the one thing I’ll never learn…and maybe I’m too sensitive, or childish, or simple, or boring…but I’ll never be able…

To make YOU love me…So please, don’t send me back, to the other “here and now”, to what they call “reality”, where you don’t love me anymore…where there’s no home and no shelter…

But it’s too late and, again, fear was stronger than love.

So, here I am, looking at you, my handsome man, elegant and distant, polite and cold, always sure of yourself, always taking us for granted. Here I am, trying to tell you about this crazy dream I just had, with you and me, making love on red, silky pillows.

“So, do you want to have sex? Is this what’s all about?”

The distance, the anger, the contempt in your voice…NO, absolutely NOT! This is NOT what’s all about!

“Ok, honey, see you later then.” and you kiss me on my pale cheek.

And my heart has never felt so broken. But I’ll be okay…I’m The Supergirl.

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.deviantart.com/yon-miyu/art/Sad-Supergirl-416148593

Baby, before it’s too late…

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I’ll always remember the thunder…or was it only in my heart? The water was so warm, so why did this insidious coldness ran through my blood, leaving me numb? I saw him and, for one moment, through his absent eyes, I saw my future. So I let the thunder take my body into its abysses…

I’ll always remember the white of the sea…wasn’t it supposed to be blue? The sky was stormy, deep blue and thirsty for light, just like my soul, so why were the waters white like a wedding dress? I called his name, but he ignored my voice, so I let the sea whisper devious promises to my empty heart…

I’ll always remember how soft a falling can feel on my burning cheeks. The bottom of the sea was unexpectedly velvety, smooth, silky like my childhood’s memories, so why was I afraid? My mother’s eyes and my father’s voice, the arms that held me in my crying nights, the words of love, why did they all suddenly came back into my oblivious mind? I fought for life, just like I fought for him, so many times before…Too many times before, so I allowed myself to just be in peace…

Gasping for air, I found myself on the tough, wet sand, under a cruel sun.

If this is heaven, where are my wings?

If this is hell, where is my punishment?

If this is LIFE, where is he, the one who’s supposed to care?

Baby, before it’s too late, just look into my bleeding heart!

But I was dying on the wet sand, away from the white waters, away from thunders, so far away from my sweet childhood dreams. I was dying in vain, in love and in loneliness. My heart was breaking there, beating for no reason, stronger and clearer while clean air filled my lungs and death was waving goodbye with an ironic grin.

And he never knew how I forgave him a thousand times and I loved him a thousand ways. How I tried and I fought with all the strength in me. How a higher LOVE discovered me and it was far more brighter, stronger and filled with faithfulness. A love that healed my empty heart.

Because that moment when I, numb and weary, dazed and teary, I crawled to safe land, I promised myself to never forget. And I kept my promise.

I’ll always remember that moment when I was saved by GRACE.

 

 

 

I found this image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/78601955966507736/?lp=true

 

 

Closer than I’ll ever be…

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She’s dancing with the man I love. With my man. And I’m helpless when it comes to love stories, but I’ll write this anyway! From the bottom of my stormy heart.

It started with her sweet melody, alluring him to sing along. First he laughed: “Come on, I’m not a child anymore, silly little songs mean nothing to me!” but then he listened and his heart understood the message.

“Isn’t it sweet, isn’t it gentle and so calming…her voice through the leafs?” 

I tried to stop him, but I was myself a leaf in the wind. My sin was clear and this was my punishment, for I was nothing but a storm in his life! So I had to let him go…

Insidious and sneaky, she whispered allusive words into his ears. Words I should have said, but now they were strange and new, foreign and impossible to pronounce. He looked away, consumed by guilt, fog in his eyes, only the message was crystal clear: “Just for one moment…dance…embrace…just one…and then back to you, back to…us”.

And he never waited for my response! Muted and ignored, I blamed her for the salty taste on my lips. I wanted to hate her, but then again…I never saw him so careless and free…with me.

She touched his face, kissing that little place near his upper lip. He wanted more, he needed to be devoured by this thirst! Their dance became a game of surrender…to desire and lust, to ecstasy and euphoria! It became pain and pleasure, fever and tenderness, torment and heaven! Life itself seemed to take a standing ovation, in the face of this forbidden beatitude!

And I was feeling small and lost, screaming inside me, biting my lips ’till blood and tears were one and the same! ‘Till my scream became a wild flame, calling him back!

“That was great, you should try it too one day! Let’s go home now, dear…”

Is it a crueler torture than to see him defeated? Settling for less than he’s yearning for?

It isn’t…

He came back, but his skin had the taste of her kisses. His hair was ravished by her fingers. His heart was still singing her sweet, gentle melody…

Ever since that day, I cursed the rain! The calm, comforting, relaxing, blissful, warm rain! I hated it with everything in me! For she was closer than I’ll ever be…

…to the man I love.

 

 

 

I’ve found this image at: https://drawinglics.com/s/alone-boy-standing-in-rain-pic.py

The castle built on shifting sands

sandcastle-washed-away

I will always remember that winter…Freezing cold outside, but warmth in our hearts, fire in our eyes…brighter, stronger than the sun itself! Do you remember?

I came home that morning, after shopping for Christmas, my cheeks were two red apples and my lips had the taste of strawberries, that’s what you said. Do you remember?

I looked around me and it was so beautiful! Toys on the floor, unpacked gift boxes, two different pairs of gloves, matched completely wrong. Our home! Do you remember?

I put my arms around you and your beard scratched my skin. I was giggling, pushing you with both of my arms, in a playful fight, until you were giving up and that’s when I was pulling you closer. “I’ll let you win, just don’t let go”  – Do you remember?

I spend days and nights playing. A big child, happy and innocent, unaware of what’s waiting around the corner. My prince and my castle, it was all about love! You used to joke about my self-centered definition of happiness, but you were happy too, I saw it in your eyes! Do you remember?

Six years of shifting sands and devastating storms.

Six winters of trying to forget what we had, so the pain of losing it could somehow pass.

Pills. Rituals. Suicidal thoughts. Virtual worlds. Dissociation. Self-harm. Six ways of destroying myself, in a desperate attempt to destroy this void you created inside me.

DO YOU REMEMBER?

My perfect winter, with Christmas carols and ginger bread. My last winter. My lasts memories about love. I can’t remember anything that happened after.

The tragedy isn’t the lack of love. Not even the absence of joy. Nor the lonely nights when we sleep on a river of tears. It’s in your eyes…

…the eyes that never truly saw me burning for them.

Lost in shifting sands, my castle is slowly sinking. It doesn’t hurt, love, not anymore.

For I’m not here anymore…