My Dorian Gray

His photographs remind me of old paintings. Pure art, pure beauty. Portraits of the elegance within, he says.

“Call me Dorian” he told me, and I knew we’re meant to explore worlds together. His world, filled with a cold, distant beauty, the kind of grace he sees through the lens of his photo camera. My world, filled with a vulnerable, fragile love, the kind of love that left me empty and alone.

“No one sees me like you do” he used to whisper, while my eyes became a mirror for his own grace.

“No one’s willing to listen” I used to mutter, while his open heart became a safe place for me, to express unexplainable secrets.

Still, we never crossed the invisible line between friendship and love, trust and desire, confession and flirtatious talks. We kept a sense of beauty and purity in this bond that connects us. Me and my Dorian Gray.

I was the first to embrace him when he found his one and only. “Be happy!” I said with an honest joy.

He was the first to encourage me to rediscover my lost inner strength. “Stay strong” he said with a sparkling smile.

Until today.

There’s something different in his eyes. We’re alone at his studio, the doors are locked and he’s dangerously close. The ferociousness in his voice scares me. This is not my Dorian Gray, but a stranger who’s gaze flickers with lust and greed. And his words make no sense when he asks me to take off my clothes for a nude photo session.

My logical arguments are met with an ironic smile. My moral values are meaningless to him. My distress goes completely ignored.

So I appeal to his heart.

“Imagine the woman you love, being in this situation. Your one and only, your love, pressured into something like this by a friend she trusted with all of her heart.”

“Imagine how she would feel. Imagine her naked body exposed for strangers to see. Imagine the secret places only you kissed, only you loved, now becoming a public target for lustful eyes…just imagine.”

He looks at me with cold eyes.

“I can’t imagine this. It makes no sense.

Because your prince-charming does not love you like I love her.”

My Dorian Gray gave a voice to the monsters inside my head. Yes, he is right. Still, he’ll never know that, through all the pain, I learned to love myself.

And to finally recognize a Narcissist when he unleashes his rage. Better late than never.

In tears, I’m closing the door behind me. I hear him apologizing, I hear him saying all the right words, but my soul now sees him clearly. And his ugliness is shown in all its repulsiveness.

Goodbye, my Dorian Gray.

 

 

All credits for the photo to A. H. from http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

 

 

Tell me your story!

62243941_2529420197088606_4204089743681519616_n-The night sky is more generous than ever, cradling our dreamy eyes in milliards of stars…

-But you can’t see them, silly girl, ’cause you’re only starring at me! Not that I’m complaining…

-I do see them, as reflections in your eyes…

-Tell me one of your stories!

-Nooo…you know that all my stories are sad!

-It doesn’t matter…your voice can take me there, and I need to escape…

-Okay…Once upon a time…

-Yesss…

-There was a little boy, very sweet and gentle, with big eyes and a good, carrying, generous heart.

A good little boy…

-One day, he was walking down the dark forest, and he got lost…So he ran and searched for his way out, but there was none…and he felt scared and hopeless…and so alone…

-Oh…

-Looking down, he saw a little light…golden, flickering light, so he followed it. It leaded him to his way out of the forest. Only that the light wasn’t just a light…it was a little bird.

-Right. A bird.

-With golden wings and sparks in her eyes…wounded, unable to fly, only to crawl. He took her home and build a cage for her. A golden cage.

-Still a cage, no matter if it’s golden.

-A place for her to heal and to be safe. And, with his love, she got better…

-That’s nice…

-Her wings grew stronger, so she wanted to fly. But, no matter how much she pleaded with the little boy, he wouldn’t let her…

-Selfish and possessive!

-He was afraid for her, that she might get hurt. He was afraid for him, that he might lose her. So she stopped pleading and stopped spreading her wings. But she couldn’t stop dreaming! And the dark forest’s whispers were so alluring and so seductive…

-And?!

-Finally, she got too weak to fly, so he thought it’s safe to leave the door of her cage wide open. So was the window…

-Nooo! She jumped and smashed her body on the floor!

-She flew! Maybe her dreams gave her strength…or maybe it was the dark forest, who knows? Maybe some charmed wind took her and held her…but she flew! She found her way back into the forest!

-Wonderful…

-The boy…what do you think he did?

-He learned to respect other people’s choices?

-He grew up as an angry, resentful, bitter soul…Searching for nothing but revenge! I’m sorry…

-Heyyy…please don’t cry! Why are you crying? Oh…you are that bird! That bird was you all along and I didn’t noticed!

-No, I’m not that bird…

I am the girl he used to replace his lost golden bird…

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

I want you to be happier!

sea-sunset-children-2K-wallpaperI want you to be joyful like a child in the Christmas morning, opening every gift that life has in store for you! Imagine that, in those colorful gift boxes, there could be the treasure of the world! It is, don’t you know? You just need to unwrap it and to enjoy all these wonders!

I want you to laugh and to play like every day would be the greatest adventure of all! You’ll have tears in your eyes from all the laughing, and you’ll still want more! Lacking air from all the giggling, jumping around and making funny faces, I want you to allow yourself to live to the fullest!

I want you to fall in love again! You’ll learn that love can be so sweet and easy to embrace, it doesn’t need drama, tragedies and anger. It doesn’t turn into hate, you’re not supposed to get hurt so deeply! Love is the gentle touch of a butterfly’s wings on your shoulder, reminding you that life is magical!

I want you to say lovely words, without the fear of sounding foolish or vulnerable! You’ll be amazing when you’ll compliment the loved one, when you’ll encourage the desperate one, when you’ll heal the broken one. You are meant to be a hero, don’t ever forget that!

And, finally, I want you to take your guitar and let your voice be heard! Be generous, be kind, be loving and fair…this is who you are!

I want you to be happier! Don’t you want it too? I know you can be!

…even if I’ll have to let you go.

 

 

Inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7Bc3pLyij0

I found the image at: http://www.wallpaperbetter.com/cute-wallpaper/sea-sunset-children-243312

 

 

When love was nothing but a battle cry

3524484971_a524f481d3_bDo you like this fragrance of smoke in my hair?

I wrote you a thousand letters and, with each one of them, I loved you a little more. Sweet lines with bitter meanings and big words with senseless metaphors, yet, you forgave my lack of judgement in each and every promise I made. You tried to decipher the empty spaces, unaware that the key is buried deep inside me.

Do you like when my eyes are changing from green to fire-bright carnelian?

I wrote you a million poems and, when rhymes faded away, I used my tears to paint a proper ending to my endless questions. You were the hero and I was your muse, you saved the world and I was saving you, you got the glory, I got insecure. I failed again, this pain has no rhythm, it’s blank and white and cruel!

Do you like the warmth of my hands on your body?

I wrote you a love song, inspired by the way you’re undressing my shivering soul, leaving me naked and ashamed in the spotlight. You listened and asked for more of this passionate, self-destructive desire. You loved the harmony in my whispers and you wanted me to teach you how to play. Guitar, violin, piano, my heart…you played them beautifully. Then, bored and lonely, you deleted my song from your playlist.

Do you like my slow, sensual dances under the moonlight?

I wrote you a made-up story about the boy on the moon who saved the sad girl from falling. I sent you a page every day, so that you could add some more drama, some more mystery. Some more love…I saw you laughing, changing the lines, breaking and cutting the thin wire I was hanging on to. You asked for a realistic script.

My love, reality lies broken under my burnt feet and no one wins. Your love was nothing but a battle cry in this war of hearts, my hero. Don’t cry, my boy-from-the-moon, no one will break me anymore…

I wrote a thousand letters and I set them on fire.

This was supposed to heal me, but, instead, I fell in love with the ashes…

 

 

The title was inspired by Tom Neuwirth’s song “Heroes” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puRPBdZPfi8

I found the image at: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/nuvan_buet/3524484971/

 

 

The right words, at the right time…

girl-flirtingI see you looking at me a little surprised and the amusement in your eyes is the sexiest thing  I ever saw! We’re both laughing, so this is the perfect moment when, apparently by accident, you’ll touch my bare shoulders, sending a wave of emotions through my body. I’ll bite my bottom lip and I’ll play with a rebel lock of hair that (conveniently) falls over my eyes. You already want to kiss me, but you’ll have to wait…

You pretend that my blushed cheeks went unnoticed, but I know better! I always knew you better than any one of them. And they were many! They passed through your bedroom and stayed in your arms for as long as attraction and excitement lasted…while my words will stay for ever!

You’re telling me stories about how she played you for a fool, about your broken ego. I’m ready to take you in my arms, creating a shelter for your heart…I’m reassuring you, again and again, that life is unfair and people are bad. And you are magnificent! And you deserve more. You deserve me!

Someone loves you deeply and passionately and that someone is standing right here, with eyes filled with promises…It’s okay if you’re afraid of commitment, I’m afraid too! It’s alright if you cannot be loyal, I’ll be for both of us! It’s fine if you’re not completely honest, that’s a risk you cannot take these days! Just be here, with me, just be!

And now you want to know about my life, so I search in my bag of memories, the most interesting stories, the most captivating adventures. The ones that’ll put me in the best light. Fragile, but yet, so strong! Romantic, but yet, so reliable! Innocent, but yet, so wise!

Yes, it’s me that you’re looking for! And I’m here, for you, to fulfill this empty place with my love. I’m here to give you all that you were denied of, ever since you opened your eyes to this cruel world. Love me…

What’s this silence between us? I had so many things to tell you…Why did my lips stayed sealed? I planned the perfect scenario, you were supposed to fall for me…Why was I just standing still, while you kept bragging about the blonde one, about the skinny one, about the perfect one! I thought it’s meant to be! Wasn’t it?

I guess I’ll just take my imaginary kisses and my unspoken words and use them more wisely next time! May all your girlfriends turn into crooked witches with gigantic brooms!

You turn to me with a shocked expression on your perfect face. Oh, my goodness! I must have said it out loud!

 

I found the image at: http://98palms.com/is-she-really-flirting-with-you/

The title is inspired by the song “Baby can I hold you” by Tracy Chapman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nW9fTvU0vs

 

 

I’ve been a liar…

Online-dating-and-online-marketing

-Hey, you’re on line?! It’s 4 in the morning, what’s up with you?

-Nothing, just couldn’t sleep…(I was hoping, praying that you’ll notice me, because I can’t, I simply can’t go on like this…)

-So, how are you?

-I’m great, thank you. And you? (I’m not okay…this obsession for you is taking control over my life…and I go to sleep imagining your arms around me…and I wake up missing you. Oh, God, how I miss you!)

-I’m great too. Remember that girl I’ve been dating?

-Yep (that bitch, ugly, controlling, bitch!)

-Well, we broke up…

-Oh, no! What happen? (Yeeeyyyyy!!! I hope you hate her now!)

-Just too much fighting and she called me “a heartless idiot”. She said I’m a sociopath and other nasty things…

-That’s so unfair of her! You are not heartless! And you’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met! (See? I’m better than her! I would treat you so much better!)

-Right. And a sociopath? I couldn’t understand where that came from.

-A sociopath, really?! Who gave her a diploma in psychiatry? I’m telling you: you are NOT a sociopath! (maybe a little, but that makes you even hotter!)

-Of course. I blocked her on Facebook.

-Yeah, you did right, she was disrespecting you…(I would respect you, treat you like a king, love you like you’re the last man on earth…can’t you see that?)

-Anyway, now I’m dating a chick…omg…a lawyer. Don’t know, but I always had a sort of fetish for this type of chicks, lol

-That’s nice…(I’m devastated…)

-Sex is great, we’re like rabbits! I mean, really, for hours! She’s exactly what I need, we’re like the perfect fit.

-I’m happy for you two (I just hate you right now! And her! I can’t wait for her to break your heart, oh, how happy I’ll be!)

-How about you?

-What about me? (Don’t you dare asking, I’m mad as hell!)

-Still single?

-Yes, I decided to stay single for a while, it’s better for me…(You, idiot! No one wants me, okay? Satisfied? ‘Cause guess what! I’m not interesting enough and sexy enough! And I’m not a lawyer! And I don’t f… like a rabbit! OMG, what you made me say, shame on you!)

-Well, if you get bored and you wanna go out…hey, wanna go dancing? There’s a new club…

-I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…(I don’t need your pity! But please, please say it’s a good idea…just push a little…I want to believe that you care for me…)

-Probably not. Wow, time flies when I chat with you!

-Isn’t it? (That means that you like me, maybe more than you’re willing to accept?)

-Yeah…

-…(I’m boring you! God, how obvious can it be!)

-…

-I should be going to sleep…(please stop me, I’m going to spend the night crying and listening to love songs…)

-Okay pretty, Nighty night!

-I…I…always enjoy chatting with you, I hope you know…And when you don’t write…I…I kinda miss you…(You called me pretty! You think I’m beautiful! I’m so happy now…oh God, I almost told you the truth! That I’m madly in love with you…)

-LOL…okay, pretty, me too. Sleep tight, I’ll log off…

We find so many ways to fool our hearts. To repeat the lies until we cannot recognize the truth anymore. Have you ever been a liar? Because I was.

And maybe I still am.

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.vrmintel.com/marketing-strategy-like-tinder-match-com/