One day I’ll be thankful too…

rain

I can’t remember for how long…it seemed like an eternity…I just stood there, on the cold, wet bench in the park, with leafs and cold rain drops falling over me…Dark sky above me, dark thoughts inside…

I know that children get sick and catching a flu is natural in this cold weather…and I know that a house can get messy, things all around…and I know they need me…but…Lord…I’m tired, didn’t get much sleep, haven’t got the time to eat…and I turned to him for comfort…and…once again…he’s tired and frustrated too…I just need to feel loved…just a little bit…

I don’t know how did he find me there, since the bench was pretty isolated…and I can’t explain this joy I’m feeling inside when I see him…

-Christian!

-Hey…you forgot your umbrella again? Here, take mine…you’re frozen! Come on, let’s go somewhere nice and warm…

I need fresh air…just for a minute…

He’s putting his arms around me and all I can do is to close my eyes and pray this is more than a dream. I feel his fingers through my hair…

-What’s that? Oh, I hope I didn’t break it…

My silver necklace…St. Benedict medal..I always wear it in my moments of dark…just a reminder that someone, somewhere…still loves me…

-That’s my…

-This is a Saint Benedict medal! Why on earth are you wearing such thing? You know, there’s a thin line between…are you aware of the significance of this?

Saint Benedict medal is a symbol of the fight against evil. People also wear this medal sometimes when they’re praying for an easy, painless way of dying. Still, the power is NOT in the medal itself, but in the faith and love we’re carrying in our souls.

-And why is this bothering you?

-Because you deserve more than this blind faith in something that never answered, never proved to be real!

And I can’t take it anymore…

-Let’s make things clear, Christian! Tolerance is a two ways street. Don’t think I didn’t noticed how you never miss a chance to say a bad word…and don’t think I didn’t noticed that tattoo of yours, with the black sun! Yes, I did! Next time you attack my faith, be prepared to defend yours!

-Okay.

And he walks away.

Abandoned and alone, here I am, in the cold November rain, still refusing to cry, still not able to go home, still willing to believe…

It felt like forever…

The smell of something sweet and his warm touch.

-I brought you…this.

A chocolate cookie…

-I bought it from the bakery across the street…I don’t know if you like it…

-It’s perfect…thank you. And forgive me…

-I kicked myself for talking like that to you…is just that…

No, it’s my fault and only! I sounded so arrogant and superior like I’m some kind of preacher when I’m just a lost soul…filled with doubts and fears…And I’m so thankful, so grateful to have you in my life…

-Please let me say it…One day I’ll be thankful too. I will believe too. But for now, I need this anger, I need this rage…to keep myself alive. This is my way of surviving.

Tears are running down my cheeks.

I guess you’re smarter than me…my way of surviving was always Love. Look where it brought me…

He takes me in his arms.

Love is a two ways street too, just like tolerance. I need you…but you need to go home…And one day, when all this rage will be just a wild memory…I will be thankful too. 

 

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Just breakaway (Out of the darkness!)

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The stage was set and the little girl walked right to the microphone. All lights were on her and her hands were trembling. I thought she’ll drop the microphone. I thought she’ll run away. I prayed she would…

He’s holding my hand and I’m squeezing his fingers too hard so he pulls off. I don’t want to witness this but I can’t turn my head this time. I feel guilty…I tried, I really did…but I was called “out of fashion” and “envious” and “jealous” and “with absolutely no taste when it comes to music” and “just a country girl” (I kinda liked the last one).

Yes, they said all these words. The proud parents of the little girl dressed in a black leather dress, with a make up that makes her look tired and cheap. With a black choker way too similar to a collar. I was out of line, I admit. I threatened to call the Child’s Care and they laughed. I spoke about morality and about protecting her image and they ignored me.

Then I used big words like abuse. Emotional abuse. About endangering this innocent child. About using her as a tool to get more fame and money. About selling her soul and her life along with theirs.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you a fanatic? She’ll perform her number just like she was taught to!”

The girl heard me and she started to cry. I made a child cry right before the big show…Yes, I do feel guilty…

He feels the same, even if he doesn’t express it that abruptly. I know he does…I take his hand into mine, looking for comfort…He’s cold as ice.

-How can they expose…

He turns to me and the anger in his eyes leaves me speechless.

-Look, I’m tired of your complaints. I didn’t wanted to come here, you dragged me! But you can’t simply relax and enjoy the show, do you? No. You need to argue, to create drama, to get all the attention!

And he walks away…

I’m here all alone with my tears and my betrayed sense of justice. I’m so sorry…I’m not an attention-addict monster…I’m not a drama queen…I’m just…Just me, the same as I always was. And losing him hurts more than losing any fight for justice. So I surrender…

The little girl sings with a lost voice. Not really wanting to be there. But you know…the show must go on…

Or not.

A harsh sound just interrupted the show. Something’s wrong with the sound. The microphone just became dysfunctional. And my phone is beeping…

I’m an idiot. But, when you cry, I get angry. I want to fix it, whatever it is. So, stupid me, instead of fixing,  I destroyed. If you can forgive me…I’m right outside. 

PS: It will take a while for them to find out…what caused the damage of the sound system, but still…hurry up.

PS2: You with the talking, me with the breaking…we’re still an incredible team, aren’t we, babe?

Yes, we truly are.

What kind of demon are you?

The pain irradiated in my left arm, leaving me breathless. The lack of air and the sudden weakness awoke an old panic inside me (I’m…I think…I’m having…a…panic attack…)

“Or maybe a heart attack. Or maybe you’re just dying.”

His tone shows no compassion, no mercy, no love. It harms me more than anything I ever experienced. I feel like crying, but I swear…I will never cry in front of him! So I close my eyes and surrender to pain…

I’m wearing a laced black mask. I can’t see myself and the black veil on my eyes makes everything so dark…Where am I? I crossed the bridge…but the place looks so different from what I remember. This is where we used to lay on the fresh green grass, looking at the clear blue sky, hand in hand, making promises to each other. Promises that never came true…Me and my love. The Shadow.

Is all dark and cold and I miss him…The black mask is covering my face. Suspicious eyes around me and steps getting closer. Fires burning around us. I’m one of them…Someone takes my hand and…I want to tell him that I’m lost. I came here looking for someone I loved. And I’m surrounded by…

-Demons. You’re not lost.

Can you read my mind?

-No. I just feel your fears. May I?

He wants to take off my mask. NO. (No fears. Show courage. Don’t let him see inside.)

-I will take off my mask when I decide! Not a second before.

He smiles.

-What kind of demon are you?

-A very powerful one, believe me! (Yes, believe it. Believe every lie. I will get out of here!)

He touches my hair with soft gestures. Kindness. He’s gently leaning on me. The touch of his cold lips on my neck makes my knees tremble. Is it fear? Is it lust? He’s deceiving me with his tenderness…and I…

-Why don’t you take off your mask so I could kiss those beautiful eyes of yours? You are safe with me…

-What is your name?

He laughs and the fire burns higher and closer.

-What a silly question…now, if I tell you my name…wouldn’t you throw me to the fire? Say “I promise”.

I promise.

-Maybe…if you say pretty please…

Look, demon! I’ll never ever beg you for anything! Not if my life would depend…

The fire in his eyes burns me inside and my heart is nothing but a flame. It hurts and I…

-Please…I…

-That sounded great. Now say that you’re mine!

The black laced mask is suffocating me. I choke and I gasp for air and my lips…they’re burning with…desire? To be his…The words will damn my soul and everything that’s still pure in me fights against it.

-I’m…

-Say it!

There’s only one way. The peace of letting go. No more fighting…

-I’m NOT a demon. Here, take off this stupid mask, I have no power, I need no power. Look into my eyes. See? See the bright light? Is called Love. Go ahead, take it. Take this lost heart and burn it to the ground…I will survive the pain.

Blue skies above us…he puts little white flowers in my hair…”My Love, I’m holding on to our promise…till the end of days.”

“Or maybe a heart attack. Or maybe you’re just dying.”

I open my eyes. There’s no anger, no resentment in my voice. Neither in my heart.

-Well, I’m afraid I can’t humor you on that one. Not today, anyway.

“I didn’t meant…I was joking…I don’t want you to…it was only…stupid words…”

Stupid words. Creating hell inside our hearts. What saved me? A love they call “sinful” and “forbidden” is still the purest part of me. A courage they call “crazy” and “delusional” made me take off my mask. So, what shall I pray for?

Dear God, when my broken heart sinks to the deepest of hell, please remind me who I really am. 

 

 

 

 

 

Infamous

From the little fish bowl, the golden fish looks straight into the gates. Are they the gates to Heaven? The clear blue and the pure white…exactly the description he knew from the ancestors stories. He wants to follow the right path. The one that leads to the gates…

The gold fish knows he’s too small and his fins are not the big wings he always dreamed to have. He knows his weakness and his fears. He believes…it’s because of him, because of his lack of faith…that the gates are getting further and further…

And so many others tried…he heard about their triumph. He’s jealous and anxious and blames this little heart (“Infamous heart!”) he was given! He wants to jump. “Your faith requires sacrifice!” Yes…he will! He goes up, he takes what’s left of his courage and…falls again. Oh no, the gates are fading…Don’t…his nostrils sensed the perfume and his mouth tasted the wondrous air. He was so close. He goes down…he wants nothing now. Sad and lost, he discovers that a wounded pride can kill…

And just when he’s giving up, just when he dies inside once again…the gates comes closer. So close, he can almost touch them. But the bowl…oh, this golden cage! Oh, how it hurts when he tries to break it! It is unbreakable, he’ll never break the wall…There’s only one way…

Will he follow the ancestors path? Will he sacrifice it all just to feel…one more time…one last time…the wondrous air and its perfume in his nostrils? His little heart doesn’t know the answers. But this love is beyond judgement…His soul belongs to the blue gates. So…what choice does he really has?

Hey, look at this little fellow. What is he trying to do? Jumping out of his bowl! Crazy little fish…First he tried to break it and now he jumps out. Like he would have wings to fly…What an infamous way to die! Okay, gotta go.

The blue gates disappeared  and all that’s left is a little gold fish fighting for air. Fighting for a love he’ll never have. Never again.

Because the blue gates are always getting further, taking away the arms that held me and the smile that kept me warm. My love…how will I live without your blue eyes? Come back soon…

Because, in our little worlds, behind the walls of our hearts, we, little golden fishes…we simply can’t breath in the salty water of our tears…

 

You were all for me…

I took off my mask. “See? I’m being myself. Let’s pretend that you’re in love with me. Would you take my hand and lead me to the dance floor?”

He smiled. You know I don’t dance…

I wash away the traces of mascara that ran down my cheeks leaving black lines. “Look, with no make up my eyes are clearer. Let’s pretend I never wore any make up. Would you tell me I’m beautiful?”

He looked away. You know you are, so what’s the point…?

My feet are hurting from wearing the high heels red shoes. His favorites. “Remember walking bare foot by the sea? You held my hand and I asked you to stop for a moment. To hold me tight. Remember what I told you? I wanted to memorize the moment. Let’s pretend that we’re still there. Would you hold me like that, just one more time?”

He walked to the door.”We were teenagers. Anyway, I’m tired, let’s go to sleep…”

I follow him to the bedroom. We’re laying on the bed and I play with his careless hair. “I loved you from the very first moment I saw you and I wanted you with everything in me. Let’s pretend you want me too. Would you…?”

He says nothing.

I stumble on my way out and the sound of broken glasses is piercing the silence.

“What are you doing? I’m almost midnight, I can’t keep my eyes open…”

How about your heart? Can you open it a little? For me…

Because I was all for you and now I’m not.

And you were all for me…and you still are…

Would you take me back?

Back in time…

Back in your arms…

Back to life…

He’s smiling in his sleep and I’m trying to clean the bedroom floor. Is filled with broken glass. Little sharp pieces. One cuts through my skin and the pain reminds me that I’m not invincible. My wounds bleed and my tears fall in the silence of the room…

In the silence of our love…

So I’m silently closing the door. The cold air outside reminds me of his warm, loving arms. I will walk down the street, just a few minutes. And I wont cry, I’l just take a moment to…

He takes my hand and stops me from falling. I’m lost in his eyes. He gently pulls me closer, cupping my face. His lips are barely touching mine and I’m trembling. I’m lost and I’ll never be the same…

He kisses my fingers and the pain is gone.

One day I wont be able to let you go…back…to him…

Will you love me ’till the end?

Here we are again, laying on the green, fresh grass, our fingers crossed, our eyes gazed at the blue skies above us. I’m smiling to the fluffy clouds and the sun, the moon with all the stars are smiling back at me…

-I never gave up on you, I kept my promise to wait and I kept you and our love untouched…

I turn to him and I read it in his eyes…He’s honest. He needs to say these words and all I want from him is to keep this beautiful silence. I’m guilty and my guilt has no music, no sound, no rhythm.

-We are meant to be and, no matter how hard you try to deny it, what’s meant to be, will come true in the end. You are my mate, my one and only, from all the human beings ever born into this world. My eternity will be with you.

He drew this perfect picture for me unaware of the fact that I’m not staying. His world will never be my world. It’s a question of faith, a question of destiny. But it feels so peaceful, so safe to just lay here with him and I just wish to hear the passing of the fluffy clouds…

-You come to me when the world you call “real” is tiring your soul. You come here broken, full of painful memories. You run to me every time he pushes you away. But, beloved,…you call me “shadow” when you’re my only reality. And I need you, I can’t breath without you, I wont live without you.

I do it, yes…where else would I go? It’s cold outside, it’s dark and it’s lonely. I didn’t break any promise either, I just crossed a very thin line. He talk about love but…what does he know? Love left me broken, with scars and insecurities. Love blinded and wounded me. No more…

-I pray for the truth to be revealed. For you to look back and to decide where you truly belong. For him to wake up one day without finding you there, in his bed. For us…to embrace, to welcome the end together. My faith guided you to me, back to me. Please, don’t let your faith drive you away…

“I have to go” I whisper and he knows I’m leaving him again. For as long as God allows me to stay strong. Without falling apart…I will come back, I promise we’ll face the end together. The end of Love…

Because there, where he belongs, there’s no light in the darkness. And shadows are dancing on the rhythm of their lost love.

He wants this dance and he dreams of endless nights of passion. He loves me because I’m his only reality. He needs me to be fragile, he needs me to depend on him. I do…from time to time…

“Will you love me ’till the end?”

“The end is so far away, honey, it’s hard to…What’s that? I swear I just saw a shadow near you. And now it’s gone…weird…Anyway, what were you saying?”

“Nothing, really…Nothing.”

 

 

We destroy the love…

And we’re doing it so gracefully, so naturally, so easily…

He’s listening with a distant smile on his face and I know he’s thinking of something else. I know he didn’t really understood a single word I said. So I just repress the tears, the crying voice, the pleading heart. There’s no time for vulnerability. My fragility doesn’t stand a chance with him. He needs me to be strong…

He’s sipping from his glass of whisky. The second, the third…I stopped counting them. His eyes are starring somewhere in the thin air, at some invisible ghost. I’m thinking I’m a ghost too…if I die right here, right now, he wont notice me dying…And the thought is suffocating me. No, not another moment of weakness. He likes me when I’m strong…

I’m holding the pillow in my arms, creating an armor. He’s browsing through his IPhone and I see colors and drawings on the screen. The little red circle, pointing out that he has a new message, makes him feel uncomfortable. I don’t want him to delete it. I wont read. He locks his cellphone with so many secret codes, but there’s really no need to. I’m not insecure, how would I be? He loves to see me strong…

The glass of whisky in one hand, the cellphone in the other. A little dizzy, a little confused. He’s going to lay down in our bedroom. His fingers will touch that cold screen. His eyes will gaze into the ceiling. He will call me eventually, alarmed by my silence. He’ll ask me if I’m upset and I’ll deny it again. He’ll pretend that he didn’t noticed my tears. I’m not crying for love these days. I’m not childish or foolish…After all, he asked me to be strong…

And that’s how we destroy love. That simple. That painful. That easy.

“What do you mean you can’t sleep? Again? Just take a sleeping pill. Or two. Do you want to be tired tomorrow?”

No, I just want to be loved. Today. See…I’m vulnerable and fragile, weak and insecure, childish and foolish. Just like you. Let’s not fix each other. 

Because (silly me) I’m still in love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After tonight, love will be Light

“Just hold me tight tonight…tighter than ever before…and don’t let go, even if I tell you to…just don’t let me go tonight…”

Vulnerable and scared, confused and lonely, lost and frightened…

“And if I cry, don’t ask me why I’m crying. Not tonight. Just run your fingers through my hair and talk to me softly. Don’t ask…don’t ask anything tonight.”

It only took four words to take my heart away.

“Keep me warm…the cold is running through my veins and we’re in danger…don’t let my heart be frozen again. Can you stop me from trembling?”

Forgiveness wasn’t enough…how do I move on?

“I did not know I’m so weak…give me a little of your strength. Before I fall…could you build a protective shield for me? And keep me safe beyond it? I don’t want to fly away…

Strong and independent. That’s how I promised myself to become. I lied. One time. I starred into the abyss for just one time. Where do I hide now?

“Don’t let anyone inside. It’s just you and me, this is how we were meant to be…so don’t let him…He’s a thief…hide me away. Hide my love away…”

Four words. And all my speeches about “letting go” and “forgiveness” and “making the right choice” were in vain. Empty words. Empty hearts. Eyes full of tears and souls full of guilt.

“Tonight…hold on to what we have. I chose you to protect the key to my heart. It is yours only. But I am a fool…and I am weak. Be strong for me…”

I still love you. 

Four cursed words. His words.

We are not doomed. Please tell me we’re not doomed!

“Just hold me tight. Don’t let go, even if I beg you to. After tonight, love will be light. My bright light. My only and complete Light. So, just hold on to what we have…”

The girl I knew so well…

She was waving at me, with her big eyes and her glorious smile. The light surrounding her face seemed to descend from another world. But the sound of the train was real, as her golden hair, flying on the swirling winds…

And I wondered if I’m the only one seeing her.

“So, tell me. Tell me what do you see! What keeps you here, between trains, between worlds. What is it that you cannot let go?”

I should have told her about her heart of gold. About the innocence and the undying sense of justice. I should have mentioned her sensibility, her visions of a future that never came true. Her pink clouds she kept walking on…until…

“No, not this…this I knew already. The other ones…the bad things…”

Oh, how could I ever mention anything wrong, when I know how she cannot stand to be criticized. She always smiles, but she cries, saying harsh words to herself. She never truly knew how bright she can shine…How would I mention her being judgemental from time to time. Her lack of trust and her inability of seeing the nuances…

“My turn now. I think you’re driving me away because of him. He broke your heart and you’re blaming me! And you want to believe that love is something like a sweet, calm, golden autumn day. 

So let me give you my truths. Love makes you fly so high, so brilliantly, so beautifully…that you ask yourself how could you ever go back…

And Love is a storm. A gentle, yet powerful storm, creating butterflies inside you. Taking away, breaking down your walls. Taking off your masks. Making you new…”

She’s dancing on the railway and her golden hair is filled with white butterflies. She laughs and cries at the same time. She is the storm. She is the sunshine. She is…

The girl I knew so well…

The girl I used to be…

Don’t…come back…I said all the wrong things! And worse…I didn’t listened! The train is gone…and so is she…and I cry…I just cry…

A crystal laugh and dancing butterflies. Her golden hair with rose petals and spring perfume. A pink cloud and a tender rain…why is it raining with little rainbows, shaped like hearts?

“Because I’m here.”

And she’s laughing and she’s embracing my fading heart…

“So…Will you shine again? Come on! Just because some idiot broke your heart…now, is this a reason to bury yourself into darkness? When Light and Love are just one step away?”

Just make a wish… and you’ll be a mirror for the Light around you. Even when you’re broken in sharp pieces. Let them reflect rainbows and pink clouds.

And if you feel you just want to lay down and cry, that’s alright too…

WE’RE BROKEN TOGETHER.

 

 

 

How do you keep an open heart?

(When even love seems out to harm you?)

When the inner storm is wilder than any hurricane?

(We used to love each other’s imperfections…

And  I used to feel safe to open up, even about my darkest thoughts.)

How do I stop myself from building a wall around me?

How do I even try to be myself?

(I am imperfect and I am human and I just died inside once again!

And this tremble became unstoppable and beyond control.

And I’m cold, so cold…)

So please tell me…how do I keep an open heart?

How do you do it?

And I just hugged her. I have no answers, nothing that would keep her dreams alive. I only know that we, humans, have an extraordinary gift. It’s called hope. And hope is what keeps our hearts open. This is all I know…

So…to all the oversensitive hearts out there…to the black sheep, to the one that never quite fits in…to the inappropriate and the rebel…to the ones they call “losers”…to the fool and the uncool…to YOU and to ME…

My message is a clear and simple one:

WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT!

Stay blessed.