If you can’t love me…lie to me

“White roses in her hair and her childlike smile, she looked like an angel…”

He had a melancholic smile and his blue eyes were filled with tears. I just stood there, listening, thinking that his story should be a novel…a love letter…a song…He wiped away his tears, looking at my daughter.

“Forgive an old man…tears come so much easier lately. Here…take them…these roses, I planted them in my garden and loved them as I would love her…my Theresa. And you, little miss…you look just like her.”

I wanted to pay for the roses, but he didn’t even wanted to see the money…

“How could I take money for them? Can you buy a soul? Or can you buy love?”

I asked him to tell me more…he smiled.

“She was 15 and I was 17…young and foolish. I loved her but, back then, in times of war and hunger, love wasn’t a priority…Her family had bigger plans for her…I told you she was beautiful…eyes like the clear sky, hair like the golden sunflower…Me, just another 17 years old fool, like so many others who fell for her. She liked white roses…”.

He stopped for a moment, trying to find his strength…looking at the sky.

“The storm is coming. I shouldn’t keep you and your little princess…Here, I have a picture…that’s how they made pictures back then…”

The picture was unclear and yellow and it looked more like a painting. A girl with long blond hair, smiling, a rose in her hand…

“Do you see the resemblance? I stole this from her home, after she…was taken away…Her parents accused me…but…was it my fault? I would give my life…a thousand lives…to change things…Our last encounter…that cursed morning…Do you want to know?”

I nodded, unable to speak, feeling like, in any moment, I would cry too…

“I was leaving…going to war. I met her behind her house, in our secret place. I asked her if she loves me. She said no. But she was laughing, like it were a joke, playing with me. I asked her again and this time I was desperate: I am leaving to war. When I come back, will you marry me? I’ll buy you a big house and I’ll take you to town every time you want…Say you love me, so I can go more easily…You don’t? Then lie, pretend it’s a game, but say it…” 

My voice trembled when I asked him what happen next.

“She looked away, I got out of my minds and kissed her. She yelled, her father came and threw me away. I left…but…”

Teardrops on the rose’s petals.

“Forgive me…A storm begun, out of the sudden…She ran on the field to catch me and a lightening stroke her. She…she never told me…why was she running like crazy…what made her chase me on the field…she never had the chance…”

The rain was cold and he insistently told us to leave.

“I’ll be okay…I like rain, is good for my garden…But you should go…I’m just an old man repeating the same story till it gets boring even to my own ears. See…little miss…some love stories are not meant for this world…

Some love stories are meant for Heaven.

I need to see!

Real emotions. Feelings. Real love in people’s eyes.

I need it to be a certitude: love still exists. It will appear like a light in lovers eyes, in their smiles or in their voices. Or maybe, the sweet way they hold each other’s hands. I don’t want metaphors. Not anymore…The blossomed cherry tree and the sweet roses will fade in the cruel evening’s wind. The white butterflies will die in the darkness of the night.

So don’t…Don’t tell me that love is a butterfly, a sweet rose petal or a sunny day…Because, if there’s anything I wont accept, that’s the ending. Love wont end. That’s why I need to see it…

-And how will you see it, if your eyes are closed? If you’re always between worlds, never truly here, never truly there. How will you have any certitude at all, if you doubt your own being. Tell me: what did you see last time when you looked into your heart?

I saw a winter that lasted four years. I saw myself frozen, alone in the cold wind. I saw my tears turning into ice crystals and piercing my soul. I saw my trembling hands closing a door. Forever. But then…I saw myself praying for that door to open again…

-The One who opened the door for you. You’re here because He loves you. So, how can you doubt Love? You don’t need to see it, you need to feel it…

That’s exactly what I mean. I need to see it in order to feel it…

-Poor child, you’re so confused. You can’t see Love in other people’s eyes, unless you have it in your heart. Do you want to keep the roses forever blossomed? And the butterflies forever alive? And the light in people’s eyes forever bright? Do you want to see real love?

I do.

-Then love. Love with all your heart, forever and a day. And forgive. Forgive yourself for the moments when the everlasting winter will kill the butterflies. They will be brought back to life again.

By the power of LOVE.

So, BE Light and you’ll see Light. And BE Love so you can see Love. Give Joy, Trust, Hope and you shall never feel alone.

The old priest smiled but in his eyes I could see he was holding back his tears. In a church full of people, why was it so hard for me to see Love? Maybe I never looked in the right direction.

So here I am, kneeling with the Rosary in my hands, willing to see deeper and beyond my everlasting winter. Willing to believe again.

The only one he let inside

They laughed so hard that everyone turned their heads to see us. I was sad that day and their laugh was the last thing I needed…

-So, you’re really doing it! You’re going to teach to those students! Cre-a-ti-vi-ty! To those people! You know what you’re getting yourself in, right? Right?

-Well…

-She doesn’t know! Oh my…so they tricked you! No one wants that class! And especially about creativity…I think they’re creative enough!

I look at my colleagues, they were still laughing while I was getting blusher and blusher…

-Look, Claudia…we hope you’re letting us assist you…it will be the funniest moment of the week. Remember: don’t speak with the blonde one. Yeah, the one that looks so angelic…

Another ten minutes and I found out about my future students. The ones that everyone avoided. My practice included teaching to various age categories. Now I was going to teach at 23-25 years old students. I was 21 back then. That group of students were exceptionally challenging for…someone like me. Two of them were autistic, one was a former convict, and the blonde one…

He, with his angelic look…he was schizophrenic. Paranoid schizophrenia. And sometimes, when he refused medication, it was difficult to relate with him. And this was an understatement, as I was going to find out on my own.

So, there I was, scared but surprisingly encouraged by their smiles. Yes, I did the old trick…I admitted to them, before starting the class, that I’m nervous…That I really want to create the best impression and that I need them to cope…

And they did! They responded to every creative technique I was presenting. Till one moment…

-So, the next one, is a question with open responses. There is no right or wrong, everything you can think of…just let it flow…then, please read it to us!

The blonde one was the first to raise his hand. He was absent so far, but now…everyone’s eyes were on me…I asked him to read his answers.

-You ask: what would you do if you would be God for one day? I answer: I would kill my parents, I would kill them (pointing at his colleagues), I would torture and kill them (pointing at my colleagues assisting the class and laughing) and then I would kill myself!

I stopped breathing for a second. Everyone froze. Then I looked in his light-blue eyes. And I used a calm, sweet voice, like talking to a scared child.

-Thank you. I think you were very honest and that’s a rare quality. Don’t you think the same, guys?

The class approved silently.

At the and, I asked them to write a little note with their feed back. Everyone wrote the nicest things I ever read about myself. I was in tears reading…

He came closer.

-I made this for you.

It was a drawing. A portrait. My portrait. I recognized the long blonde hair and the green eyes. But tears? I was smiling all the time during the class…

I tried to took the drawing and he grabbed my hand, holding it tight. His eyes were like two blue blades, looking deep in my eyes. He spoke the words with difficulty…like he was trying to fight them back.

You. I let you inside…tears…oceans of tears. A smile is a mask. People wont see it. I am who I am and I can’t change it. Your mask…is falling. Don’t cry. World doesn’t need us, heroes. Go away now…I can’t stop it anymore.

He almost pushed me. I left and tried to forget. Days, months, years…and here I am. Building a bridge over my ocean of tears. Taking off my masks and learning to be a hero. Not for the world…but for my own destiny.

When you look into my eyes…

Who do you think you see?

One of my friends, a wonderful woman, a sweet soul has found the love she was looking for. It wasn’t a surprise, I was praying for her for this to happen, so, today she simply confirmed what my intuition already told me. And I hugged her and we laughed together and…

And I tried to remember…

My own love story.

And I couldn’t.

I couldn’t remember feeling so careless and free. Loving with all my heart, dreaming and playing, feeling that unique passion, laughing for no reason…with him.

But I remembered me trying to fly with broken wings. And failing. I remembered him telling me “I need you” and me, with tears in my eyes and that little spark of hope burning all over again in me…

“You need me?

Yes, I do.

Why?

Because I can’t handle everything by myself. I need you to help me with this house, with the kids, with everything there is to be done…”

I remembered how the little spark died, killed by our every day boredom, sacrificed in the name of commodity and conformism. I blamed myself, at least as much as I blamed him.

And I wanted to run to him, to make him look one more time, even if it would be the last time, in my eyes. I wanted to ask him.

Who do you think you see when you look into my eyes?

And to run away from him if his answer will kill another burning flame…

I want you to see the sea rushing to the shores with the power of a thousand waves…

I want you to see the rose petals melting in the sweetest summer wind, caressing your warm skin…

I want you to see the raindrops falling on your burning heart, when this world has set your dreams on fire…

Oh, how I wish you could see the woman who goes to hell and back in every nightmare because she tried to fly with broken wings. And she failed…

Oh, how I wish you could love me again.

A little bit of hell

Expectations are my worst enemy.

I shouldn’t be writing right now. I feel heartbroken, sad…and writing is like opening a wound. Painful. Anyway, I just wanted to share something…

My grandmother called me today. She’s 83, still very energetic, dynamic, optimistic. I always admire this vivacity of hers and I always tell her. Today I found myself saying to her “please don’t ever change…” She smiled (I could feel her smile, even if she was on the phone).

You know, life is painful. Sadness, sorrows, pains, hurts..you name it…it’s all there! In every single day of our lives. But if you focus on the bad things, when will you ever live? So, just enjoy life as it is. Because, no matter how hurtful, every day is a miracle.” 

Yes, every day is a miracle. But the day when he walks on by, leaving me crying…

That day, today, just broke my heart.

And no…I can’t make it whole again, not this time…

Just let it rain down over me

It’s freezing cold outside and the cruel wind reminds me of winter. What I feel is a bitter-sweet nostalgia. I promised myself that I wont slip back again into that black hole of depression, but I wont deny that this emotion becomes more intense with every day…

I miss…no, I only wish I could go back in time and just take one moment to enjoy…

The feeling of having so many paths to uncover…

Knowing that it’s absolutely alright to make mistakes…and to try again and again…

Dreaming of my Prince Charming and a love that’s going to last centuries…

Being childlike and childish sometimes…

And it’s true, I had so many chances. I had my paths and I walked proudly through light and shadows, making choices that weren’t always the right ones. It didn’t matter. My choices, my mistakes, my lessons of life. I held my head high and walked on.

And I have built a family based on love, respect and commitment , just like I promised. It took me some time to understand that my Prince Charming is only a man, with qualities and faults. A normal guy…oh, how I blamed him for not being my fairy-tale prince. How I almost destroyed our home, the only castle I’ll ever have…How I searched for princes and fairy tales in all the wrong places.

How I hated myself after. 

But he was (still) there, with his arms wide open for me. It wasn’t a fairy-tale romance, it was real life. Normality…and I love him for giving it to me.

I always want what I cannot have. This morning, in this freezing cold rain, I wanted an ever-lasting spring. Butterflies that wont die after only one day. Sparks that wont turn into ashes. To rush into the arms of a gentle storm.

Now I wish it would rain down on me. So the water from the sky would wash away this feeling…

Restless heart, why can’t you find peace?

 

 

It’s bringing me to my knees…

I’ll use my imagination now…let’s pretend that no one is reading this. So I can talk about the dark side. Depression. Masked depression. My dark side.

Easter was beautiful as always, with family by my side. It was amazing to see those sparks of joy in my girls eyes in the Easter’s morning. I felt enlightened, loved, embraced. Then, everything collapsed.

It started 4 years ago. Or could it be 5? I can’t even remember, but it feels like I’m struggling with these clouds since…forever. Negative thoughts, a deep feeling of loneliness (which I’m still feeling) and something new. A new thought, a new inner voice that tells me that no one needs me. And it’s illogical and dramatic at the same time.

In the outside, everything is normal. I smile, I talk to people, I make myself pretty every morning before going to work, I play with my children, I clean the house, I cook…no one would even imagine…And, all this time, I’m fighting an unseen enemy.

I keep repeating, like a mantra, that I need to be strong for the girls. They don’t have to carry this burden. Not for me, not with me. I keep repeating that they need me. And it helps…for a while.

At the end of a day like this, I cry. And I pray. I feel God closer in moments like this. The next day I wake up with an easy heart. But darkness feels so close…

And yesterday someone asked for my help. She was feeling helpless and lonely, so I did my best to help her understand and re-discover the light. A light that was always in her soul, she just forgot it’s there. She was smiling at the end of the session and, as she walked out of the door, she turned around and told me that she admires me so much…

Because she sees peace of heart in my eyes. And in my smile…there is no trace of sadness or anger. And, just being around me, her own burden becomes lighter.

I thanked her and told her that, what she sees in me is just a reflection of the light in her own heart and an expression of her inner beauty.

The feeling of being brought to my knees. And it’s okay…strangely, when my knees are touching the ground, I can see the sky closer.

Right out of the blue

“I’m going to every world you’re coming from…” 

Sometimes, certain lyrics, maybe a melody or a refrain keeps repeating in my mind, like a message or an inner voice. Today was one of those days…Early in the morning I woke up to a sky so blue, almost immaculate. The radio was playing one of my favorites tunes, then they interrupted the program with a prediction of storm.

I laughed. A storm, right out of the blue…

I do have all the reasons in the world to smile. And I do mean it when I say how grateful I feel for all the blessings. I am loved…so where is this terrible burden coming from? It feels like I’m carrying the weight of the world. Not on my shoulders, but upon my heart.

The blue of the sky became more intense. An obsessive blue, a clear color that hurts my eyes. And I find it so difficult to watch it…so difficult to breath. I need to cry, I don’t know why, but it will make it all bearable…

The wind is playing in my hair…yellow petals are dancing around me. It is an incantation, a cruel ritual…and I need a shelter. I need someone to hold me now. It’s almost physical, the need is nearly a pain…it hurts and I don’t know how to stop it. And the sky becomes dark.

Water in my eyes…it feels cold and it’s burning my face at the same time. I cry and the sky cries with me. It’s a long time since I cried like that…for apparently no reason at all. I look around me, no one saw my tears. People are rushing by…how many unseen storms are rushing into the arms of their beloved ones?

I lift my eyes to the sky in a silent prayer. I do know it now…

I need YOU to hold me now, in the middle of the storm. Please, Lord…

A ray of light is breaking the dark clouds. It touches my skin and I close my eyes. The storm is almost over. He took my burden away, once again. I’m wiping away my tears and I breath.

To be embraced by Light in the middle of the darkness…

To cry in the arms of the angels…

To find Love in the eye of the storm.

To breath. To be alive. Every day miracles.