With standing ovations!

Truth or Dare? Okay…don’t say I didn’t warned you! So, when was the last time you did it?

I looked at his playful, sparkling eyes and I started to laugh from the bottom of my heart. Like I didn’t laughed for years…

-Oh, God!!! Look at me, I cry from all this laughing! You made me cry!!!

Well…you’re also red like a tomato! Dirty mind! I was only asking about the last time you hugged your favorite toy! A toy…like a child’s toy, you know? Not what you imagine!

Without thinking, without analyzing, I found myself hugging him tight. So tight, like I was about to lose him…

-Right now! I’m the happiest child in the entire world! And I’m hugging my favorite toy!

Okay, kiddo…the toy feels pretty happy too…even if…a bit awkward being objectified like I’ve just been…Nooo! Don’t let go!

-I wish…

A part of me just wanted to say the words. But that part…never wins. That part of me brought me here…and still, it never wins.

That was a good start. You wish. And now…tears. Don’t cry! Anything you wish, it’s yours! 

-Can I make a list?

Only if you stop crying.

How do I tell him, without breaking the magic? How do I say the words? No…

I know…it makes me cry too…almost. But I never cry, just like you never stop playing your role. You’re always on the stage, the lights are on you and you’re charming! The curtains never fall and when they do…you just pretend you’re still on the stage. So that you can continue playing…

-You’re hurting me.

Why? 

-You just called me “fake”!

I called you “desperate”…

-Whatever…I was wrong to come here. You know nothing about me. Nothing!

I know what you wish…

-Really? Let’s see…

You wish you could love him. Just like you pretend, in your every waking hour. Just like you play it…so damn well, with so much talent and dedication. Don’t worry. Lights are still on. Go back to the stage, the public is waiting. With standing ovations.

I woke up. The bed was empty. So was my heart.

 

 

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When words are all we have…

His words pierced the silence “Oh, if I only had a gun!” and, for a moment, she looked at me with her blurry eyes, in an unspoken prayer…

-Miss, please…

The falling rain was simply aggravating my own sensation of sickness. The dirt, the stains of blood on her clothes, the horrible smell of alcohol, her hand touching my arm…

Her hand clinging to my arm. It was enough to drive him over the edge. He pushed her and she fell down on her knees. In the mud.

“As I said, if I only had a gun…”

-Please don’t say that, you don’t know what you’re talking about! I could be…her.

Come on, honey…

-Do you remember that storm, that terrible storm in Budapest…

…we were there, laughing and talking and the sky was sunny and clear. It happened so fast, twenty minutes or even less. I found myself running terrified with our baby in my arms. I fell…my clothes were wet, filled with mud…our baby girl started to cry desperately…

…a branch fell and hit me and I saw the blood running down my forehead. I was afraid I’ll die there. Trees were falling, a chair almost hit the baby and you were nowhere…

…and I begged for help, with tears in my eyes, knowing that they can’t understand me…like I can’t understand them…I was just a stranger with clothes covered in mud, with a baby in my arms, scared, desperate, hurt…

WHAT IF THEY HAD A GUN?

“You are being melodramatic.”

…someone came with a blanket and they took us into their home. Without understanding our language, they gave us dry clothes, a glass of hot milk for our girl, toys, cookies…they helped me clean the mud and the wound on my forehead. And then you came…

“And I thanked them, remember? I offered them money but they refused.”

…that old lady hugged me.

“Babe, that’s irrelevant. I mean…well, why do I bother anyway? If that stinky creature touches you again, she’ll wish I had a gun!”

With blurry eyes, the woman pointed at me in a silent prayer. So I went to her and I helped her stand. I gave her my umbrella and the little money I had over me.

She said nothing. Then suddenly and unexpectedly she spitted towards him.

“Great, just great…Where’s that GUN when I need it!!”

-You have a gun. Please don’t use it to hurt an innocent one…

“So now I have a gun? Where is it? And where’s the innocent one in all this?”

Your words are your strongest and most dangerous weapon. They can create hate…So, please, don’t use them to hurt someone. That someone could be ME someday. Or YOU. 

So, why are we wasting time when we have so many bridges to re-build? Through words, because that’s all we have left to give…

 

 

Do you love him as much as I love her?

Do you love him? Are you happy…as happy as I was with her? Do you fall asleep with a smile? A smile I knew so well…

I hug him tight, trying to feel every heartbeat. A desperate attempt to silence the crying within our hearts. Two lost souls, both searching for peace. He lost her long ago. I’m losing him every day. Little by little, with every embrace I’m not sharing, with every tear I’m hiding away, with every “I love you” not meant to be his…

I remember her singing and laughing, she had the sweetest voice I ever heard. What was the last song that touched your heart? And the reason for your sweet laughter…can you remember…the last time you look into his eyes and smiled with all your heart?

I never laugh…and his songs don’t touch my heart anymore. Why is he singing? If no one listens…does he imagine that my heart still sings with him? That I’m still waiting?

I lost her when I stopped singing for her.

I lost him when I closed my heart to him.

I left her while she was so deeply in love with me.

I gave up on our love while he still believed we can make it.

Look at me…I’m the same boy you fell for…love him once again.

Look at me, the woman in me is still laughing and singing. But you can’t hear her, don’t you? And you don’t want her anymore…You miss…

I miss my girl.

I want my man.

We hardly remember each other. So, while our memories are still burning inside our souls…

Can we create new ones?

Would you die? For the one you love?

Sitting on the edge of my bed, he took my hand and looked into my eyes. With love, a love I wouldn’t expected. Anger, resentment, harsh words…I was ready to face them all. But love…how do I handle this love? Where do I hide its light when the darkness inside me is calling me to deny it?

How will I explain this compassion, this gentleness, this great forgiveness to my hardened, rocky heart? That knows nothing but bitterness…

And this voice, the song of all songs…

-What pushed you so far away from me? When and how have I lost you…? When all I did was waiting here, like a beggar, for just a little sign that you’re willing to open your heart…

The guilt was building inside me like a dark flame. He wiped away my salty tears. I tried to say “I’m sorry” but he stopped me.

-Don’t…I know your heart better than you know yourself. You want to leave and you are free to do it. You said I’m the one to blame. I wasn’t there. I didn’t listened to your crying. I didn’t cared…Oh, if you only knew how deeply it hurts. Don’t look down…look into your heart.

And I’m looking…

I see myself falling and I see him…lifting me up.

I see myself tired and I see him…carrying me home.

I see myself in the middle of a nightmare and I see him…holding me tight when I sleep, chasing away the shadows around me.

I see myself betraying him…and he’s in pain.

I see myself hurting him, shouting at him, hating him and I see…his love growing.

-And now, look into my eyes. This is the promise I’m making. This is why I came for you.

His love, his protection, his ever lasting light. And I can’t…I want to run so I wouldn’t face this guilt anymore. But my feet hurts, everything hurts and I fall. He holds me once again and my lips can’t move, but my heart is speaking out in pain.

“I am sorry…I am so deeply sorry…please forgive me…and never stop loving me.”

-Do you know who I am?

“You’re my Lord, Jesus Christ.”

-Do you love me?

“I love you. I’d die for you, my Lord”

Then live for me.

My head is hurting from crying myself to sleep again. It’s 4 am and the raging storm is howling in the darkness. I look at the pills and I remember the miracle. With trembling hands I empty the small bottle into the trash. And with a trembling voice I speak into the darkness.

There’s no way back now, Lord. I will live for you.

 

 

 

 

 

I want to be where no memories mar…*

Our eyes met and I knew deep inside my heart…this is destiny…We needed no words, but he wanted me to know, to hear and to remember his voice…

I saw you before…in every princess from my childhood’s books. And I was the hero…your hero.”

He listened to me and, no matter how brave I was trying to be, the tremble in my voice was more than he could take…

“If something would ever happen to you, I just can’t imagine…I’d rather lose my freedom and I’d freely give away my soul if that’s what it takes…to keep you safe…”

He laughed and kissed the traces of my tears.

“So you made a mistake, so what? So you’re not perfect…that’s absolutely wonderful! You’re mine! My woman, my love, my sweetheart! Not some cold, untouchable, perfect porcelain doll…”

I guess I said it out loud…I spoke about my fears…

“I’m not cold, I’m rational. And I think you’re overreacting…anyway, I can’t always stay behind you like a babysitter. If you’re afraid to walk on dark streets, you’d better take some self-defense classes!”

He raised his voice and, for the first time, I felt the need to defend myself…from him.

“I can’t stand it! You’re accusing me of things you’ve done! Your mistakes and yours only! And I have nothing to do with them!”

The door closed behind him. I look around me…everything is so familiar and yet so strange…I’m home, but I feel I’m surrounded by strangers…

“Well, you don’t really like anyone, don’t you? You’re perfect! That’s why you’re so lonely…”

-I love you.

I love you too.

-I don’t feel loved.

I don’t feel loved either.

-Your words can cut as deep as any knife.

-I don’t remember saying these words. I never realized how they sound.

-You don’t remember and I can’t forget. What will we do? I still want you in my life…

 

Emotional abuse is just as painful as the physical one. Use your words gently, wisely, loving and tenderly. Especially with the ones you love.

*This post was inspired and dedicated to a very special lady, who overcame the consequences of emotional abuse and learned to heal others through her words.

 

 

 

When all I wanted was to hold you tight…

Go on, talk to her…she already knows your deepest secrets. Your anger, your pain, your anguish and sorrows. And the tears…see, you cannot fool her…no wave could ever wash away your crying. So, go on, just talk to her. My forever love knows how to listen… 

His forever love rushed angrily to the shore. The sea is so agitated, reflecting the ambiguity of my own emotions. Light and darkness, love and pain, tenderness and anger…His forever love saw them all. And how many tears fell in the salty blue waters….

And, for no reason, I can’t talk today. I want to break free, I want to swim away from the shore and I want to howl to the stormy waters…I just don’t want to talk. I feel I should, just like I used to, as a child. But I’m not a child anymore, not today…And I cry again in front of this old sailor who probably thinks I’m just another weird, drugged, lost tourist…

But the truth is…this is HOME and I’m tired of denying it. Here, far away from pretending a joy I never recalled as my own…Deep into my sadness. Crying in front of a stranger, but…aren’t we all strangers?

Oh yes, marriage is complicate business. And I saw you two, you’re like fire and ice. When one is melting, the other gets destroyed. Isn’t it funny? You can’t get close to one another…

He laughs but the sea knows better…his boat is bouncing dangerously…I look around me, there is so much beauty in the wild. Another huge wave reminds me that I’m too close…the cliffs are terribly sharp and I know I was never safe, but…

I just don’t want to leave.

You better get off those cliffs, Miss…My old lady can be pretty harsh when she’s mad. And she’s mad like hell. No sweet words can calm her down once she’s set on bringing me down. Come on, give me that pretty hand of yours, I’ll help you get off. And go tell that lunatic man of yours that he shouldn’t let you walk alone. Not when the storm is coming…

Wait…

He’s looking at the heart shaped rock in my hand. I found it on one of my long walks. A gift from the sea. Or maybe more?

Now that’s a story! You throw away your heart and the sea gives it back to you! 

White, perfect, with a soft, fine surface…but hard like any rock. Shaped by years of angry waves, but strong enough to never break into pieces. The storms made it sharp, but it’s unable to hurt someone…Is it the right time?

To melt away the wall I build around me. Even if the fire in me is risking destruction.

Because we’re like fire and ice, storm and sunny sky, ocean and volcano, all at once, all inside us, all creating love and destroying us as we go in the deep, dark waters…

So…where are you, when the sky is falling and I’m clinging to a rocky heart? When all I ever want is to hold you tight…come to me and bring my fire back to life.

 

Homeless, hopeless, restless…(Why can’t you see that I’m in love?)

She’s listening to his songs again and again.

She needs to be cradled, she dreams to be held. She imagines that he’s singing for her and she cries because of the song’s sad notes. Any moment now the music will stop and he’ll come back to her…

But he never returns. His eyes are empty, no expression, no sparks. And she hates him. No, hate was never the opposite of love. Not for her…She invented hate as a form of love, a disturbed, dark way for her heart to survive.

He doesn’t know because they speak different languages. She never got to learn his and he didn’t understood hers. Through screams, tears, hurt and resentment, they never sang together…

So she dies inside, every day a little more. She would have followed him to the darkness of hell,  just to bring him back home. If only…

Why can’t you see that I’m in love, why can’t you feel when I am hurting?

Some day…when this old piano will stop playing its sad notes…when the only music will be played through the beatings of our hearts,

You’ll see me standing there, tears streaming down my face, broken and lost,

Needing, craving, aching, lusting, dreaming…to be held

So, with sparks in your eyes, you’ll reach out to touch me…

But you see, my love…that’s not me, standing there…I’m long gone…

What you saw is just a mirror… your soul’s reflection. 

 

 

 

I wont always be there…

The cruel sound of the alarm along with the hottest and the brightest sun rays should be enough…

-I’m going…I’m leaving now…right now…Is it 7 already? I have to walk the dog…and breakfast and you…you need a shirt…for work…

He pulls me closer and we’re both laughing of my playful struggle to free myself from his arms. His soft whispers in my ear bring goose bumps on my skin and he knows. Oh, how he knows…

No…what I really need…is right here in my arms…Stay…

-but…

-no “buts” today…nor tomorrow…nor always…stop running and enjoy…the peace.

He turns my face so now I can see the morning sky reflected in his blue eyes. 

Peace…you say?

-yes…the war is over. For ever…and if you’ll ever start another war, my sweetheart…

what? what will you do?

He has that hunger in his eyes…that fire…I can’t remember when was the last time I saw it. How did it happen…how did his eyes became so empty…and now…now I’m ruining this moment with my tears…

honey…

-don’t mind me…I’m just being silly…I’m afraid to be happy again…

He stops me from talking with the softest kiss…The fire in his eyes is pure light now. 

just lay here, in my arms…it is a certitude that I’ll fail…and I wont promise to always be what you need me to be…it would be a lie…I will make you cry again and I’ll hate myself after…but if you just lay with me now…

He’s wiping away his own tears.

damn it, babe…you’re my peace! don’t ever walk away…

He’s calling my name. Have I fell asleep again? He’s upset…why is he always so upset…we were just…

-Look, if you don’t want to walk the dog, I’ll do it, it’s okay. But I need that shirt and it’s getting late.

Tears are running down my face, but he can’t see.

-I fell asleep, sorry…

My heart is so heavy and all my protective walls have tumbled down. And I’m in the middle of the war, here on this battlefield we used to call HOME. Helpless, defenseless, scared and alone. Suddenly, everything hurts.

Everything. Even the warm sunshine, even the smiles on my neighbors faces. Even life.

A white pigeon flies so close to my face, it almost touches me. I didn’t saw the car, I just heard the breaks and I screamed in the anticipation of the impact. But it didn’t happen.

Be careful, we only have one life. 

I wont always be there for you. I’m here right now, willing to stay, willing to love you. So why wont you love me back?

Let it be peace upon all the loving hearts tonight.

 

 

 

Speak the words I need to hear!

I don’t remember ever seeing a spark of joy in her eyes. But I know their color…dark brown, very deep and melancholic. And I know how HATE looks in the eyes of a ten years old child. Her name is Emily.

He laughed first, but, seeing me so touched, his tone changed into compassion. Or, maybe, that’s what I wanted to hear…”Oh, dear…I thought your school was the best in town…you know, the kind of school for fancy kids. And now you’re telling me that…THIS creature was your classmate? I’m sure you’re mistaking her for someone else. For God’s sake, Claudia! Don’t go to her! She’s coughing, you’re gonna get us all sick!

But I’m ignoring him. Someone told me long ago that charity means much more than giving food or money to the poor…it means holding their hand and looking into their eyes and…speaking words of kindness and respect…So, here I am, gently touching her hand…

-Emily?

She’s looking at me so scared and confused and I’m suddenly so embarrassed. Why, from all days, I had to wear this expensive bracelet? When she’s begging for food…

-No, Miss…I don’t know Emily. Leave me alone!

And now I’m sure it’s her…I saw this look…it still hurts…

-Please, Emily…just come with me to our…emm…to my table. I’ll buy you anything you want and something cold to drink…

She’s following me, still looking down. My offer was irresistible and the smell of food, the cold lemonade, my smile…make her relax a little.

-Well, Miss…you can thank the Social Services from me! This pizza is de-li-ci-ous! A beer would be good…Lemonade is for kiddies! Can you buy me a beer?

I’m ordering a beer, making a discreet sign to the waiter…to bring us a non-alcoholic beer. I ask her if she remembers me from our primary school. She says no so I insist…giving her names, places, any details that would help…

-Look, Miss…I was a troubled kid. My head (she’s beating her head) didn’t worked. So I got spanked every day. He used a long stick…Every day. And the kids laughed. This girl…she cried once. Then I was spanked harder…I made her cry…Phewww (she’s spitting). What was your name, again?

I’m pale and shaking but I repeat my name. I see it again. HATE. But this time I’ll say the right words!

Emily…please hear me. That day is still haunting me. We were reading our homework…a short essay about what we love the most. When I read mine, he…our teacher…

-Yes, he said he’ll frame your essay. He cried. I was happy to see him crying. I thought he’ll go easier with the rest of us…

He cried and he said that I wrote the words he was longing to hear for years. He said I’m an angel on earth. And then…

-It was my turn. I had nothing to read cause I loved nothing and no one. And no one loved me. So I knew he’ll spank me. But he was much more cruel…

He made you learn by heart my essay. For every mistake, for every missing word, you would be spanked ten times more. You tried to learn and I tried to apologize in your name. He didn’t listened…

-He spanked me really hard. I learned NOTHING of your piece of shit. And I didn’t cried. You cried. YOU. You had no right to cry! Give me that beer!

Please forgive me, Emily. I was a child too, just like you…He was wrong. No child, no matter what, no one deserves to be abused. He was…he IS the one to blame. Not you. Not me. I want to help you now, please accept…

She’s spitting the beer.

-What’s this crap? That’s not beer! Non-al-co-ho-lic! I still know how to read! Your beer is bullshit! And your apologies too! I don’t want your money, Miss! You come to me like you’re some kind of queen! Some kind of angel! Yeah, right! Do you know what I was thinking when he hit me the hardest? I was looking in your eyes…imagining…that YOU feel my pain!

I did…

She didn’t heard me. She left cursing me. I returned to my husband feeling so sad and defeated…

Go on…tell me…I was wrong to go to her…She said I had no right to cry…

“No, honey…it was just pointless. More pain? More tears? Why can’t you let it go?”

Because spanking a child is never right. It’s abuse and I was silent for too long. And I’m no angel, but I was given a Gift. A voice. And I will use it to speak the words they need to hear…

You say you’ve cried a thousand rivers

So, can you rescue me from drowning? I’ve got my own sea of tears…

And now, that you’ve found your safe place, will you remember I’m still there, in the deep, dark woods? Where silence is the only music and my voice can’t possibly reach out to you. And I still pray…

Another lifetime, a different place…the same actors. You and me. The joy of finding each other, the terrifying feeling when you thought you lost me. The desperation in your embrace…when you saw me smiling in the golden light. And you knew I’m alive…I’m still alive, how about you?

The words have a limited power…but your silence can kill…I said terrible things, I cursed, I begged, I screamed out your name…no shame in making a fool out of myself. I fought. For us and against you. Against your silence. But my voice was still the only sound piercing the silence…

I packed my bags so many times in my mind. I ran away more than I’ll ever remember…I left you and yet…I took you with me…in my pain. I died again and again trying to kill the hunger in me. My hunger for love. Your love…How funny is that…I still want more even when you give me nothing…

And if I cry now, you’ll think I’m crazy…and if I scream now, you’ll feel attacked…and if I’ll walk away now, you’ll blame the destiny. And you’ll still say nothing. But it’s alright, my dear one, maybe it’s time to blame the destiny…Because you were my destiny…

I said I’m drowning in this sea of tears. I lied…I’m already there…lying helpless at the bottom of your thousand rivers, a silent waterfall inundating my soul. The world looks so bright from the other side, my darling. And you look safe. Behind the lines of our battlefield, a strange light is covering the ruins…of what was supposed to be my shelter.

Don’t look back…the ghost of our love is still haunting you.

Don’t get lost into my eyes…you wont find peace there.

Don’t ask me absurd questions. I am enjoying the silence.