Let me photograph you in this light…

adry-del-rocio-art-arte-watercolors-painting-there-are-memories-that-not-even-the-sea-can-wash-awayWhite sand through my fingers while I draw little hearts…They wont survive, I know, the sea will wash them all away. His name and mine, two letters united by a destiny we never quite understood. A smiling heart who’s borders were erased by the hungry waters. Sweet, white, fluffy clouds above my dreamy eyes…

I’m here and, still, I’m not.There’s a girl, smiling from this mirror, it’s not me. This is a story written on wet sand, so it’s blurry and complicated, uncertain and mysterious. Please read it anyway.

It was a sunny afternoon…

The sea whispered my name, so it called me to explore the depth and the wild. The dark and the unknown. The distance and the fear. The struggle for air and the temptation of letting all go. It was almost like a game, well-known, old and boring game. I always survive, I always win…I told her, laughing, mocking the big, blue immensity.

In its anger, she shouted blasphemous phrases, channeling all demons, invoking all powers! I rolled my eyes and I laughed again. I am stronger…Oh, how I paid for this arrogance! Because the wave that hit me, carried my heart further than I ever wanted to go…

Golden light and his arms around me, that’s how I woke up…A paradise for our love, to fly free and untamed. His whispered words, delighting my ears with promises of eternity.

“Just stay right here, I want to photograph you in this light…”, so I just laid there, on the empty beach, missing his arms around me…

“Keep smiling, play with your rebel hair in the wind…”, so I just ran my fingers through my hair, missing his perfume on my skin…

“Oh, that’s amazing! Look straight into the camera, I love that sweet, childlike look…”, so I just tried to remember…when love was innocent and honest, sweet and generous…

“Embrace the sand, let its warmth seduce your body, I want to see desire…”, so I just imagined passion, the way I wanted to be, the way it never was…

“I want the sweet sun in your hair and the sea in your eyes!” so I just cried for him.

Sometimes, the pain is hidden in the brightest smile and the camera captures it all. Those are the pictures I love the most. Those are the picture he deletes.

37151901_2065695316794432_8603860065679572992_n“Where are you?” he asked me in the sunset.

I told him the truth.

Remember the heart I drew on the sand? The one with blurry, insecure borders and trembled letters? The one that the sea washed away? 

I think I got trapped inside it…

 

 

 

The image I used is an Adry del Rocio watercolor painting, with the title “There are memories that not even the sea can wash away…” I found the image at https://www.adrydelrocio.art/portfolio-items/adry-del-rocio-art-arte-watercolors-painting-there-are-memories-that-not-even-the-sea-can-wash-away/

 

 

 

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And Supergirls don’t cry!

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Lying on the red, soft pillows, my mind is embracing the sweet, blissful euphoria, unable to create a single logical thought. Only sensations…like the warmth of my skin on the silky sheets, or your lips on my bare shoulders…it feels somehow unfair, but I can only smile, I can only feel…this “here and now” that people call “dream” and I call heaven…

In this “here and now”, this reality that we created in the name of love, passion, lust and desire, no one loses. You’re so close to me, like never before, and our love is not a frail shadow, but a burning light. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable with you, to let you hear my soft responses…“you make me so happy…”.

I whispered the words and you, with that boldly smile on your face, you ask me if you’re that good. Then you kiss my blushed cheeks and my bright eyes, the lips that are thirsting for you, the body that’s longing to feel you, again and again…the heart that has never felt so whole…

There’s no secret that I want you like no other man was ever desired…and there’s no lie in my pleading for more…we’re not breaking rules and we’re not crossing boundaries, we were meant to be one…So why do I see a shadow in your eyes? Scared and worried, you try to tell me that we need to go…

Oh, I’m not going anywhere, I just found my home and my shelter, here in your arms!

“But, darling, they’re coming…”

I don’t believe you and I’m not afraid. You don’t know, but, in the other “here and now”, in (what they call) real life, I already lost you, you already turned into a stranger. I faced the worse fight – the fight for your love – and I lost! Nothing scares me because there’s nothing left for me to lose.

You seem distracted and you cannot relate with my words. Are we okay? You and me… I ask feverishly and my heart is one beat away from desperation. You caress my hair.

“Sweet love, the danger comes from the outside, not from you-and-me…”

Not from the inside…I take a deep breath and I’m alive again! See, you’re safe with me…I’m a warrior by nature and that’s the thing I know the best! That’s what I do on a daily basis, I fight demons, ghosts, shadows, temptations! I’m strong and I’m skilled!

I can cross through fire! I can survive the acid rain! I’m faster than the thunders! I’m fearless when it comes to facing evil! I can even move mountains! I defeated death more than one time! I’m The Supergirl! Why don’t you believe me?

What I can’t do…the one thing I’ll never learn…and maybe I’m too sensitive, or childish, or simple, or boring…but I’ll never be able…

To make YOU love me…So please, don’t send me back, to the other “here and now”, to what they call “reality”, where you don’t love me anymore…where there’s no home and no shelter…

But it’s too late and, again, fear was stronger than love.

So, here I am, looking at you, my handsome man, elegant and distant, polite and cold, always sure of yourself, always taking us for granted. Here I am, trying to tell you about this crazy dream I just had, with you and me, making love on red, silky pillows.

“So, do you want to have sex? Is this what’s all about?”

The distance, the anger, the contempt in your voice…NO, absolutely NOT! This is NOT what’s all about!

“Ok, honey, see you later then.” and you kiss me on my pale cheek.

And my heart has never felt so broken. But I’ll be okay…I’m The Supergirl.

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.deviantart.com/yon-miyu/art/Sad-Supergirl-416148593

Write the words I need to read…

MALDIVESOceans away, love lies on empty sands and my eyes cannot see it…

My ears cannot hear the song of the blue waves rushing to the shore, no matter how hard I try, I’m just too far…

My open arms cannot reach him, so I embrace the space between us, telling myself, like I always do, that one day, some day…

His sadness becomes mine and every tear he keeps in the corners of his bright eyes is worth a thousand words. Still, I cannot wipe it away…

I contemplate love, written in the heart shaped clouds, but I’ll never touch the blue immensity, and it’s not even sad. It’s only human…

We have our prayers and we share the same faith, it should be enough for me to feel close, so why do I miss him so much…

A door opens sometimes, a glance into his life, a short moment when imagination conquers the rational reality. That’s when I breath…

We both know…my heart will never be the same…for love and sadness, closeness and longing became one in my being and it’s true…I wouldn’t trade this bitter-sweet feeling…I wouldn’t change a single emotion…I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

But, oceans away, love still lies on empty sands, broken and defeated once again…

Tired of promises, I kiss the eyes that cried for me. If only he could feel…

The gift I was given still lies deep inside me and maybe it’s time…

Because, if words are all we have to hold each other in the darkest nights, if love will only be a poem and I…I’ll only be his far-away-princess locked in the highest tower of his dreams…

Oh, if he’ll only be the metaphor in my novels…

Then I’ll write the perfect story, to touch his precious heart. The words he needs to read.

So that he’ll know…He is loved eternally.

 

 

I found the image at: http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20170818-five-amazing-things-that-happen-in-the-ocean-at-night

 

Baby, before it’s too late…

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I’ll always remember the thunder…or was it only in my heart? The water was so warm, so why did this insidious coldness ran through my blood, leaving me numb? I saw him and, for one moment, through his absent eyes, I saw my future. So I let the thunder take my body into its abysses…

I’ll always remember the white of the sea…wasn’t it supposed to be blue? The sky was stormy, deep blue and thirsty for light, just like my soul, so why were the waters white like a wedding dress? I called his name, but he ignored my voice, so I let the sea whisper devious promises to my empty heart…

I’ll always remember how soft a falling can feel on my burning cheeks. The bottom of the sea was unexpectedly velvety, smooth, silky like my childhood’s memories, so why was I afraid? My mother’s eyes and my father’s voice, the arms that held me in my crying nights, the words of love, why did they all suddenly came back into my oblivious mind? I fought for life, just like I fought for him, so many times before…Too many times before, so I allowed myself to just be in peace…

Gasping for air, I found myself on the tough, wet sand, under a cruel sun.

If this is heaven, where are my wings?

If this is hell, where is my punishment?

If this is LIFE, where is he, the one who’s supposed to care?

Baby, before it’s too late, just look into my bleeding heart!

But I was dying on the wet sand, away from the white waters, away from thunders, so far away from my sweet childhood dreams. I was dying in vain, in love and in loneliness. My heart was breaking there, beating for no reason, stronger and clearer while clean air filled my lungs and death was waving goodbye with an ironic grin.

And he never knew how I forgave him a thousand times and I loved him a thousand ways. How I tried and I fought with all the strength in me. How a higher LOVE discovered me and it was far more brighter, stronger and filled with faithfulness. A love that healed my empty heart.

Because that moment when I, numb and weary, dazed and teary, I crawled to safe land, I promised myself to never forget. And I kept my promise.

I’ll always remember that moment when I was saved by GRACE.

 

 

 

I found this image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/78601955966507736/?lp=true

 

 

Closer than I’ll ever be…

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She’s dancing with the man I love. With my man. And I’m helpless when it comes to love stories, but I’ll write this anyway! From the bottom of my stormy heart.

It started with her sweet melody, alluring him to sing along. First he laughed: “Come on, I’m not a child anymore, silly little songs mean nothing to me!” but then he listened and his heart understood the message.

“Isn’t it sweet, isn’t it gentle and so calming…her voice through the leafs?” 

I tried to stop him, but I was myself a leaf in the wind. My sin was clear and this was my punishment, for I was nothing but a storm in his life! So I had to let him go…

Insidious and sneaky, she whispered allusive words into his ears. Words I should have said, but now they were strange and new, foreign and impossible to pronounce. He looked away, consumed by guilt, fog in his eyes, only the message was crystal clear: “Just for one moment…dance…embrace…just one…and then back to you, back to…us”.

And he never waited for my response! Muted and ignored, I blamed her for the salty taste on my lips. I wanted to hate her, but then again…I never saw him so careless and free…with me.

She touched his face, kissing that little place near his upper lip. He wanted more, he needed to be devoured by this thirst! Their dance became a game of surrender…to desire and lust, to ecstasy and euphoria! It became pain and pleasure, fever and tenderness, torment and heaven! Life itself seemed to take a standing ovation, in the face of this forbidden beatitude!

And I was feeling small and lost, screaming inside me, biting my lips ’till blood and tears were one and the same! ‘Till my scream became a wild flame, calling him back!

“That was great, you should try it too one day! Let’s go home now, dear…”

Is it a crueler torture than to see him defeated? Settling for less than he’s yearning for?

It isn’t…

He came back, but his skin had the taste of her kisses. His hair was ravished by her fingers. His heart was still singing her sweet, gentle melody…

Ever since that day, I cursed the rain! The calm, comforting, relaxing, blissful, warm rain! I hated it with everything in me! For she was closer than I’ll ever be…

…to the man I love.

 

 

 

I’ve found this image at: https://drawinglics.com/s/alone-boy-standing-in-rain-pic.py

I see you…(can you see me?)

stow_lake_ghost-256x300

They said it’s a haunted place, so I shouldn’t be here when the moon is lonely over the dark lake. Haunted by melancholy, I saw no danger except for my bitter-sweet nostalgia. The one that leaded my steps so close to the edge…

They said there’s a ghost trying to sneak into the surface of what we call reality, so I should stay away from these deep waters. Ghosting into the abyss of my own desires, I saw no reason to stay on the safe side…

They said it’s a curse that’s drowning the innocents into the darkest of the dark, so I should better avoid the unknown. I laughed. I’m barely awake, drunk and weary into my own ocean of lost dreams, but not even there I would call myself innocent.

It’s my night and they wont stop me, not with their unwanted advises, not by shouting out loud from the other side, not through threats and promises, sweet lies and hurtful truths. There’s nothing they could offer and there’s nothing they could take. Brave or foolish, romantic or depressed, irresponsible or heroic they’ll call me!

Who knows, for I won’t be here anymore.

I see you, Innocent one, come, follow me…

And she smiles seductively, taking me to the place where the lonely moon never shined above.

I see you and I know you, I know where you come from…

Her voice like a melody reminds me of my childhood and I try not to cry, but tears flow freely, disturbing the mirror-clear surface of the dark lake.

Don’t cry, Innocent dove, the gates of your golden cage are wide open…

She promises freedom and painless dreams and I wish…oh, how I wish I could believe her!

But I’m far from being innocent.

And my darkness is far from being peaceful.

I am expected to return, back to life, back to light. One day…

So I must go and she must cry…

For she was real and I was her ghost…for much too long.

 

 

 

The source of the image: http://www.pinsdaddy.com/ghost-haunted-lakes_Mt1zgLcu3JvPBcGr8dCkTDSH5OilmT9SIgFPcmzXCTs/

The castle built on shifting sands

sandcastle-washed-away

I will always remember that winter…Freezing cold outside, but warmth in our hearts, fire in our eyes…brighter, stronger than the sun itself! Do you remember?

I came home that morning, after shopping for Christmas, my cheeks were two red apples and my lips had the taste of strawberries, that’s what you said. Do you remember?

I looked around me and it was so beautiful! Toys on the floor, unpacked gift boxes, two different pairs of gloves, matched completely wrong. Our home! Do you remember?

I put my arms around you and your beard scratched my skin. I was giggling, pushing you with both of my arms, in a playful fight, until you were giving up and that’s when I was pulling you closer. “I’ll let you win, just don’t let go”  – Do you remember?

I spend days and nights playing. A big child, happy and innocent, unaware of what’s waiting around the corner. My prince and my castle, it was all about love! You used to joke about my self-centered definition of happiness, but you were happy too, I saw it in your eyes! Do you remember?

Six years of shifting sands and devastating storms.

Six winters of trying to forget what we had, so the pain of losing it could somehow pass.

Pills. Rituals. Suicidal thoughts. Virtual worlds. Dissociation. Self-harm. Six ways of destroying myself, in a desperate attempt to destroy this void you created inside me.

DO YOU REMEMBER?

My perfect winter, with Christmas carols and ginger bread. My last winter. My lasts memories about love. I can’t remember anything that happened after.

The tragedy isn’t the lack of love. Not even the absence of joy. Nor the lonely nights when we sleep on a river of tears. It’s in your eyes…

…the eyes that never truly saw me burning for them.

Lost in shifting sands, my castle is slowly sinking. It doesn’t hurt, love, not anymore.

For I’m not here anymore…

 

 

 

 

Just like in movies…

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She gently placed her hand on his chest. “I want to do it just like in movies.” Then, without a warning, her arms were around his neck, her head resting tenderly on his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” he asked, a little confused, a little amused…and it was enough for her cheeks to turn into red flames.

“I’m…I’m hugging you!” she whispered, terrified of being ridiculous. But he approved and even seemed to like her little gesture. So she believed it’s the right thing to do.

The sea in the sunset was breathtaking so she just wanted more.

“Don’t let go…just hold me like you did before, just a few minutes, that’s all I need to learn…”

“To learn?”

He was holding her, just like in movies, stroking her golden hair, caressing her perfumed skin. And she trembled at the thought that she may forget…

“I want to learn this by heart! Every sensation, every color. The sand on my feet and the sound of the waves. I want to have it here, with me, within me…”

He smiled, a little sad, a little overwhelmed. The risk of forgetting was never a serious threat, but with her, for her…he would be frightened too…

“What I love the most about you is your kindness, your gentleness and your way of giving hope to the hopeless.”

His words were a painful reminder of the way she used to be. And, regardless of every wrong step they took, just for here and now, she desperately needed to re-define herself.

As the girl who ran barefoot to the sea…

As the happy child who used to love every teddy-bear in every store…

As the free spirit who ignored the rules, just to be there, for the less fortunate ones.

“If I could turn back time” -just like in movies- to go back to the place of love. To turn this heart shaped stone into a river of healing tears, I swear they would be all yours…”

He ignored her, a little worried of her aggravating depression, a little annoyed of her ever-lasting complains.

So she remained silent.

“I have something to confess and I need you to look into my eyes while I’m saying the words. Promise me you wont be cruel…”

“Cruel, me??? When was I ever cruel to you or anyone?”

“When you laugh of me and you ignore my stories, when you pretend not to see, not to feel…”

“Okay, just say it as it is. The confession, please.”

She took a deep breath.

“I have to tell you what I should have told you long ago. Ever since our first embrace, remember? Ever since I wanted to learn by heart the sunset and its sensations. Ever since I turned my heart into a stone…”

“Just say it, for heaven’s sake!” he shouted, a little frightened, a little angry.

I’m an alien, okay?! That’s why I never knew how to hug, how to feel, how to be. I’m an alien, in love with you, a man from this earth, and I’m struggling to act like a human being!

Her tears, like golden lights, turned into emeralds and diamonds. He turned his back, leaving her hopeless, helpless and desperate.

And then, just like in movies, a miracle happened. He turned and cupped her face.

“I want you to stop struggling and start loving me. For I am an alien too.”

That’s when she saw him for who he truly was. A stranger among strangers. That’s when she decided to love all the weird little things that the others called “unacceptable”.

And they lived happily ever after…

 

So, for all the aliens out there, please don’t turn your hearts into stones. There’s love and hope waiting for you with open arms. Somewhere, by the sea shore…

 

 

 

The source of the image: https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/110549365833251739/?lp=true

How could this love be in danger…

let-go-816x428Let’s give ourselves one year…

So that our story could be different and we’d fight this unfair fate that turned us into strangers. We’d break down all the walls we worked so hard to build. Between us…

So that we’d run to each other with open arms and honest hearts. It is the right thing, the God’s most precious gift for us, the one we’d fight for an eternity and beyond. Our love… 

That’s what he told her with tears in his eyes, gently caressing her hair. Searching for a long gone light. Inside her. But she remained silent, only the dark circles surrounding her (-once green-) eyes seemed to lift their silent prayer to the clear sky. He took her in his warm arms, but she pulled away.

Pain. Let go.

And he let her fall down, once again, a repetitive lesson of failure.

I don’t want my love to destroy you. I just need you…

Let’s say our vows again. I promise to love you and protect you. I swear I wont be afraid, never again! I will never run and hide into the icy shelters of this selfish pride. 

I only demand one year. One year of love. Complete, passionate, tender, free. Ours.

Black tears and lost shadows were dancing around her and he knew. They will not be given one more year. They will never dance again. His desperate vows and demands will be met by a silent sky. And he’ll only embrace her when the summer’s wind will sweetly caress his -once careless- hair.

He’ll only love her in his dreams.

Just one month!

One day!

One hour! Is it too much to ask from you? Are you that blind to pain and suffering? Are you even there? Do you even care? If you do, just know that I am sorry. And I’m ready to beg for one more hour.

I’ll kiss her slowly and tender. I wont rush this time. I’ll take my time to listen to every breath and every beating of her heart. I’ll treasure every touch, I’ll cherish every word. I’ll taste the sweetness of her happy tears and I’ll pray with her. 

I will make her happy. 

She smiled. With pale, trembling fingers, she touched his lips, stopping this blasphemy. What’s another hour when you’re facing eternity? What’s love when you cannot forgive yourself?

For wasting every chance. Love, life, youth, wisdom, beauty, blessing! What a loss!

All for them, all given by the highest power of the universe. The same power that opened the gates of Heaven, turning pain into peace.

So you know the story, my love. We may not be given one more hour. Regardless of the pain and anger you’ll address to the stormy sky. I see your -once loving- eyes filled with remorse. Could you love me now?

Life goes on, time is slipping away, one year, one day, one hour…

How about now?

Will your choices remain the same?

 

 

The source of the image: http://www.quoteambition.com/letting-go-moving-on-quotes-images/

 

Not a victory march!

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“I ran to you, like running to a shelter, because my heart is heavy and tears are burdening my soul. It’s me, the one who needs you so much! Please hide me in your loving arms, even if I failed you. Love me even if I’m unworthy…”

My voice broke in a silent cry, the hurt inside made my knees tremble and I felt so fragile, standing there in front of the cross. The light was cruel that morning and I covered my eyes, but my rosary felt on the floor and, in just a second, fifteen red beans were scattered and lost, along with every trace of hope in my heart…

That’s when I lost it, that’s when the hurt inside took control and I broke down at His feet.

That’s when someone’s strong arms lifted me and carried me, holding me tight, saying warm, comforting words. The voice I knew so well…

It’s alright…

-No, it’s not! I mean it, Christian, it’s not!

-I’m here for you…just tell me what happened, I’ll fix it for you…

-Nothing happened…

But he wasn’t going to settle to less than the complete truth. He asked me to look into his eyes and to tell the story, every little detail, through sobs and tears…

“Okay…but you wont like it, you wont like me. See, I’ve always been a fighter for the things I believed in. My faith was one of them, the first of them. I made a promise to defend it against anyone and anything. But today…

…there were these people, two or three, one of them was the vocal one, while the others just followers. Lost sheep? Anyway, they were mocking the things I believe in. My faith, my God, my church. And I saw them looking at me, starring at the medal I’m wearing. How would they see it? A small symbol, something I wear with modesty and discretion, like a reminder…

…The vocal one came to me and asked me in a very aggressive and sarcastic tone: What is your faith? What do you believe in?…

…and I froze. I could have answer in so many ways, so many beautiful ways…But I just stayed silent. So he continued: So you agree that there’s nothing! He pointed to the sky. And I wanted to walk away, but he just followed me, almost shouting: What is your faith?

…and you know what I said? The coward me, the stupid, unworthy me! I told him:

“Faith is something I respect too much to gossip about it. This is not the way, not the moment to discuss my faith.”

He insisted with an evil grin on his face: “When is the right moment? After a coffee? After doing some shopping maybe? After chatting with your friends maybe?”

I ignored the questions and I ran.”

Oh…

-And I cannot understand why are people like this! Why can’t we treat each other with love, why can’t we be like brothers? Why is it always someone thinking he can teach us a lesson! Why, Christian? Why are these things happening to me? Why was I so scared in front of these bullies? I hate myself for not defending my faith!

He hugged me so tight, trying to sound calm, but I saw the clenched fists, the anger in his eyes.

-Don’t ever say you hate yourself, not if you love your God. You are His child, you call him Father. So don’t, okay? 

-But why…

-Because you are a target ever since you were born. Your precious soul, your beautiful heart, your love…they’re at war, you are fighting a war you don’t even begin to understand!

-I’m losing this war, Christian…

-No! Listen, sweet girl…Love is not a victory march! Neither faith! What is that book of yours teaching you? To love your enemies. Your prayers for them are shaking and breaking the fires of hell…

That’s when I looked at him and realized the miracle of this situation. A man who denied God long ago, a man who call himself “A Luciferian”, a man who despise the church, a man who broke and burned his Bible…

…this man spoke to me words of faith, offering himself as an instrument of Love. He was more of a warrior of light than I’ll ever be.

I touched his face and he kissed my fingers.

-Thank you. From all people…

-Nah, don’t mention it. Where else would I be?

But…how did you know?

-Because I love you. Just that simple.

 

 

The source of the image: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/christian-fellowship/discussion/god-fights-our-battles