Homeless, hopeless, restless…(Why can’t you see that I’m in love?)

She’s listening to his songs again and again.

She needs to be cradled, she dreams to be held. She imagines that he’s singing for her and she cries because of the song’s sad notes. Any moment now the music will stop and he’ll come back to her…

But he never returns. His eyes are empty, no expression, no sparks. And she hates him. No, hate was never the opposite of love. Not for her…She invented hate as a form of love, a disturbed, dark way for her heart to survive.

He doesn’t know because they speak different languages. She never got to learn his and he didn’t understood hers. Through screams, tears, hurt and resentment, they never sang together…

So she dies inside, every day a little more. She would have followed him to the darkness of hell,  just to bring him back home. If only…

Why can’t you see that I’m in love, why can’t you feel when I am hurting?

Some day…when this old piano will stop playing its sad notes…when the only music will be played through the beatings of our hearts,

You’ll see me standing there, tears streaming down my face, broken and lost,

Needing, craving, aching, lusting, dreaming…to be held

So, with sparks in your eyes, you’ll reach out to touch me…

But you see, my love…that’s not me, standing there…I’m long gone…

What you saw is just a mirror… your soul’s reflection. 

 

 

 

I wont always be there…

The cruel sound of the alarm along with the hottest and the brightest sun rays should be enough…

-I’m going…I’m leaving now…right now…Is it 7 already? I have to walk the dog…and breakfast and you…you need a shirt…for work…

He pulls me closer and we’re both laughing of my playful struggle to free myself from his arms. His soft whispers in my ear bring goose bumps on my skin and he knows. Oh, how he knows…

No…what I really need…is right here in my arms…Stay…

-but…

-no “buts” today…nor tomorrow…nor always…stop running and enjoy…the peace.

He turns my face so now I can see the morning sky reflected in his blue eyes. 

Peace…you say?

-yes…the war is over. For ever…and if you’ll ever start another war, my sweetheart…

what? what will you do?

He has that hunger in his eyes…that fire…I can’t remember when was the last time I saw it. How did it happen…how did his eyes became so empty…and now…now I’m ruining this moment with my tears…

honey…

-don’t mind me…I’m just being silly…I’m afraid to be happy again…

He stops me from talking with the softest kiss…The fire in his eyes is pure light now. 

just lay here, in my arms…it is a certitude that I’ll fail…and I wont promise to always be what you need me to be…it would be a lie…I will make you cry again and I’ll hate myself after…but if you just lay with me now…

He’s wiping away his own tears.

damn it, babe…you’re my peace! don’t ever walk away…

He’s calling my name. Have I fell asleep again? He’s upset…why is he always so upset…we were just…

-Look, if you don’t want to walk the dog, I’ll do it, it’s okay. But I need that shirt and it’s getting late.

Tears are running down my face, but he can’t see.

-I fell asleep, sorry…

My heart is so heavy and all my protective walls have tumbled down. And I’m in the middle of the war, here on this battlefield we used to call HOME. Helpless, defenseless, scared and alone. Suddenly, everything hurts.

Everything. Even the warm sunshine, even the smiles on my neighbors faces. Even life.

A white pigeon flies so close to my face, it almost touches me. I didn’t saw the car, I just heard the breaks and I screamed in the anticipation of the impact. But it didn’t happen.

Be careful, we only have one life. 

I wont always be there for you. I’m here right now, willing to stay, willing to love you. So why wont you love me back?

Let it be peace upon all the loving hearts tonight.

 

 

 

Speak the words I need to hear!

I don’t remember ever seeing a spark of joy in her eyes. But I know their color…dark brown, very deep and melancholic. And I know how HATE looks in the eyes of a ten years old child. Her name is Emily.

He laughed first, but, seeing me so touched, his tone changed into compassion. Or, maybe, that’s what I wanted to hear…”Oh, dear…I thought your school was the best in town…you know, the kind of school for fancy kids. And now you’re telling me that…THIS creature was your classmate? I’m sure you’re mistaking her for someone else. For God’s sake, Claudia! Don’t go to her! She’s coughing, you’re gonna get us all sick!

But I’m ignoring him. Someone told me long ago that charity means much more than giving food or money to the poor…it means holding their hand and looking into their eyes and…speaking words of kindness and respect…So, here I am, gently touching her hand…

-Emily?

She’s looking at me so scared and confused and I’m suddenly so embarrassed. Why, from all days, I had to wear this expensive bracelet? When she’s begging for food…

-No, Miss…I don’t know Emily. Leave me alone!

And now I’m sure it’s her…I saw this look…it still hurts…

-Please, Emily…just come with me to our…emm…to my table. I’ll buy you anything you want and something cold to drink…

She’s following me, still looking down. My offer was irresistible and the smell of food, the cold lemonade, my smile…make her relax a little.

-Well, Miss…you can thank the Social Services from me! This pizza is de-li-ci-ous! A beer would be good…Lemonade is for kiddies! Can you buy me a beer?

I’m ordering a beer, making a discreet sign to the waiter…to bring us a non-alcoholic beer. I ask her if she remembers me from our primary school. She says no so I insist…giving her names, places, any details that would help…

-Look, Miss…I was a troubled kid. My head (she’s beating her head) didn’t worked. So I got spanked every day. He used a long stick…Every day. And the kids laughed. This girl…she cried once. Then I was spanked harder…I made her cry…Phewww (she’s spitting). What was your name, again?

I’m pale and shaking but I repeat my name. I see it again. HATE. But this time I’ll say the right words!

Emily…please hear me. That day is still haunting me. We were reading our homework…a short essay about what we love the most. When I read mine, he…our teacher…

-Yes, he said he’ll frame your essay. He cried. I was happy to see him crying. I thought he’ll go easier with the rest of us…

He cried and he said that I wrote the words he was longing to hear for years. He said I’m an angel on earth. And then…

-It was my turn. I had nothing to read cause I loved nothing and no one. And no one loved me. So I knew he’ll spank me. But he was much more cruel…

He made you learn by heart my essay. For every mistake, for every missing word, you would be spanked ten times more. You tried to learn and I tried to apologize in your name. He didn’t listened…

-He spanked me really hard. I learned NOTHING of your piece of shit. And I didn’t cried. You cried. YOU. You had no right to cry! Give me that beer!

Please forgive me, Emily. I was a child too, just like you…He was wrong. No child, no matter what, no one deserves to be abused. He was…he IS the one to blame. Not you. Not me. I want to help you now, please accept…

She’s spitting the beer.

-What’s this crap? That’s not beer! Non-al-co-ho-lic! I still know how to read! Your beer is bullshit! And your apologies too! I don’t want your money, Miss! You come to me like you’re some kind of queen! Some kind of angel! Yeah, right! Do you know what I was thinking when he hit me the hardest? I was looking in your eyes…imagining…that YOU feel my pain!

I did…

She didn’t heard me. She left cursing me. I returned to my husband feeling so sad and defeated…

Go on…tell me…I was wrong to go to her…She said I had no right to cry…

“No, honey…it was just pointless. More pain? More tears? Why can’t you let it go?”

Because spanking a child is never right. It’s abuse and I was silent for too long. And I’m no angel, but I was given a Gift. A voice. And I will use it to speak the words they need to hear…

You say you’ve cried a thousand rivers

So, can you rescue me from drowning? I’ve got my own sea of tears…

And now, that you’ve found your safe place, will you remember I’m still there, in the deep, dark woods? Where silence is the only music and my voice can’t possibly reach out to you. And I still pray…

Another lifetime, a different place…the same actors. You and me. The joy of finding each other, the terrifying feeling when you thought you lost me. The desperation in your embrace…when you saw me smiling in the golden light. And you knew I’m alive…I’m still alive, how about you?

The words have a limited power…but your silence can kill…I said terrible things, I cursed, I begged, I screamed out your name…no shame in making a fool out of myself. I fought. For us and against you. Against your silence. But my voice was still the only sound piercing the silence…

I packed my bags so many times in my mind. I ran away more than I’ll ever remember…I left you and yet…I took you with me…in my pain. I died again and again trying to kill the hunger in me. My hunger for love. Your love…How funny is that…I still want more even when you give me nothing…

And if I cry now, you’ll think I’m crazy…and if I scream now, you’ll feel attacked…and if I’ll walk away now, you’ll blame the destiny. And you’ll still say nothing. But it’s alright, my dear one, maybe it’s time to blame the destiny…Because you were my destiny…

I said I’m drowning in this sea of tears. I lied…I’m already there…lying helpless at the bottom of your thousand rivers, a silent waterfall inundating my soul. The world looks so bright from the other side, my darling. And you look safe. Behind the lines of our battlefield, a strange light is covering the ruins…of what was supposed to be my shelter.

Don’t look back…the ghost of our love is still haunting you.

Don’t get lost into my eyes…you wont find peace there.

Don’t ask me absurd questions. I am enjoying the silence.

 

 

I never meant to start a war…

Not against you. Never against you…

He held my hands in his and I could sense the guilt in his voice…but his piercing blue eyes had something harsh…like a long lost warrior, finally coming home…

Do you remember? I do…

14 years ago…

This is a nightmare and it’s going to end very, very soon. Don’t faint…control your breathing…it’s not the moment…for a panic attack. Their waiting for me…to say something. It’s just playing. Pure improvisation. We’re actors and this is an optional school class. Remember? Your choice, to keep your scholarship…And now you’re supposed to play yourself, ten years from now. Get yourself together!

-I always loved you, Claudia…it took me ten years to admit it…and to be brave enough to confess my love to you…Do you feel the same? You’re so silent…just leave me this hope…don’t say a word, just let me show you how beautiful and magical can be this world…The world outside your golden cage…

I have to say something…why can’t I? What’s wrong with me? Ryan is only acting. Oh! My! God! My fiancee is in the audience…and the lights are on me…please God…make this stop!

I turned white, like a ghost, I know it…where? where are we going? Are we leaving the stage? Will I ever wake up?

-A glass of water, she’s losing conscience! Breath, please breath…what have I done?!? You know it was just acting, right? I didn’t meant…

I can’t stop crying…his shirt smells like musk…and his fingers through my hair…I cried on his shirt and people will see…and my mascara…no, don’t…don’t stop…your lips…this sweet pressure…I’m falling…

present days

-It took me more than ten years to come to you…to tell you how sorry I am. I took advantage of your vulnerability. A real man, a man of honor never does this.

-Look, we were both kids. How old were we? 20…21…? And I was oversensitive. I froze, don’t even remember how everything ended…

-I kissed you…right there, behind the scene. I had no right, but…you were so sweet, so sad and lonely, so desperate…so I kissed you like I knew he’ll never kiss you…Then I heard the sound of steps…people were coming…I didn’t wanted to expose you even more than I did…

-Yes…my fiancee was among the people. We almost broke up that evening…but…as you can see…

-Are you happy? Please don’t look down, it’s just a simple question.

I have the family I always wanted. I should be happy…

-I’m sorry to hear, I really hoped it was going to be different for you.

-I’m happy…

-Yeah, right. Then why I see traces of tears in your eyes? Why are you blocking every feeling, every emotion? Why don’t you stop me right now, when I’m about to take you in my arms and to never let you go?

-I don’t know. I swear, Ry…I wish I knew what’s wrong with me…

-Fourteen years. That’s what’s wrong with you. I told myself that it was better, that I was acting in your interest…Know what? These were only excuses. I was afraid to fight for you. I ran away. That’s what’s wrong…

If you were afraid, then…just let it be. Because when you’re in a war against your own feelings, you’re always loosing. So, just let it be peace. And let it be love. For the one who never ran away…

 

There’s an ocean between us…

They were fighting every night and you heard every word of hate and anger…

-Yes, I did. But I pretended that I’m sleeping in a deep deep and peaceful sleep. Adding this burden to their shoulders…that they’re keeping me from sleeping…well, it simply would have been too much!

-So, you were protecting your parents…how did you protect yourself?

I used to pretend that I don’t understand the words…that I’m from a different country…and I simply don’t speak their language. 

-But one night you heard a word that sounded the same…in their language as in yours.

No, not the same. Divorce…that was the word…for me it was tragedy.

-Tell me what happen.

I heard them fighting, I heard the word…it was 2 a.m. and I heard my mother opening the door to our balcony. And I was so afraid…I followed her to the balcony…she was crying, looking down…I thought she’ll jump…

-What did you tell her?

That I cannot imagine my life without the both of them…that if they divorce, I don’t want to live anymore. And that she has to stay for me. 

-How old were you?

I was nine…

– …and here I am, thinking, writing, dreaming…in a foreign language. With a sleep pattern from a different continent. Building relationships with people I’ll only meet on line…people from across the ocean…

He listened silently…this last part of my confession…I know it touched him deeply. He thought I’m perfect…he thought he knows me perfectly. But he asked…and I promised him honesty. If not love, let it be honesty…

I know this look on his face. I know his unspoken thoughts…”Why do you need this? Why can’t you settle with what we have?” 

You’re so far away…There’s an ocean between us…an ocean and no airplane, no helicopter, no submarine…can help you cross it. Only LOVE.

Because this ocean, we created it ourselves. First time when we pronounced the word. Divorce. But, you know, I’m still here…we did not burn every bridge…So, let’s say the right words and meet in the middle. TOGETHER.

It’s just the weight of the world

And you’re carrying it through storms and rain, fire and wild winds…

I heard his voice but I still couldn’t open my eyes. It was almost like hearing him from another world, another time…And I was lost there, in this magic sensation. His hands on my bare shoulders…

See…no more pain. You just pushed yourself too hard lately. Remember the secret place? Where you used to hide when we were kids? Remember when they searched for you for more than an hour? The doctor was waiting with…

-With the sharpest needle I ever saw. Ready to torture me!

He laughed, drawing an imaginary needle on my bare back.

-That big! You said you’d rather die than taking that painful treatment. 

-Yes. And you started to cry saying “nooo, don’t die!” But I wasn’t dying. I was just terrified by the pain…Stephan, I remember! The doctor gave YOU the injection!

He pulled me closer and the sudden move made me fall on the bed…

-Look what you did!

-What? I did nothing! You just needed an excuse to fall on my bed!

-Yeah, right…I’m sure you’d like to think so…

It took me by surprise how careless I was acting around him. And how easy it was for me to laugh…

Silly girl…you really think I took that painful treatment for you! It means I was a pretty good actor…Now, listen to the cruel reality…I arranged with the doctor to pretend that I’m in pain…

-Why? I remember how you screamed. And you cried like a little baby! I laughed a whole month…

I did it so you’d laugh and feel braver…I knew it would help you. The doctor said it was a brilliant idea!

-So you tricked me!

He turned my head so I could face him, but I couldn’t look into his eyes.

-What’s wrong?

-I don’t know. I have to go…

He stopped me from leaving. His arms were stronger than I remembered.

These tears…do you know what you’re doing now? You’re searching for a place to hide. Because, deep inside your heart, you’re still terrified of the pain. Any pain…Baby, I’m not here to cause you pain…I’m here to take away the burden from these delicate shoulders of yours. 

I looked deep into his eyes.

-I know, Stephan. I’m starting to realize it…But we both know what it will happen if I wont hide. The consequences of my brokenness will continue to break…every one I love. And this weighs more than the world itself…

Because my first choice will always be my family. And I’m afraid…not of my pain…

but of their own…

Praying for the desperate hearts…tonight

Just like mine. And just like yours.

Desperate to love and to feel loved. In a deep need of hearing the words. Searching for certitude, for a reassuring that the words mean more than a beautiful empty shell. I love you. My desperate heart praying for yours…

To find its way home…

And I want you. With no buts. I simply want you. No explanations, no justifications, no trades, no hidden agendas. Every rose petal needs the touch of a gentle summer rain. When did this become so inappropriate? Have we forgotten? Have you? My aching heart praying for yours…

To find the gentle summer rain…

And I’m yours. Because you are mine and we are one. You saw it in my eyes and you smiled. But my pride was so strong and the wall was so thick…I took your smile and smashed it to the ground, screaming from the top of my lungs you will never have me! A demonstration of power that ended in tears and deep solitude. My lonely heart praying for yours…

To find a break through the wall…

Scared and insecure. With scars that will never completely heal. Incomplete, hurt, alone and broken inside. Is this me? Or is it you? And I know it’s wrong…

But tonight my desperate heart is praying…

That your heart would be desperate too.

 

If I could have just one more dance…

Remember to focus. The sensation seems real, but it’s just an illusion…you’re not really suffocating…

I kept repeating the words like a mantra, praying that it wont happen again. Not here, not in public. For the second time this week, the feeling of losing control, of being helpless became overwhelming. Fourteen years ago, I was so sure that I’ll never have a panic attack. Never again. I was marrying the man I loved…

And now, here I am, almost running through the park, trying to remember how to control them. The second panic attack this week…

This time it was a fight over nothing. I can’t remember why were we fighting for…And suddenly I started to suffocate. He asked me if I’m okay, I told him I can’t breath…He looked at me and told me in a very calm voice “But you can…I see you breathing.” 

So I just left. I just ran…

You have a good man at home. And such a lovely family…

I turned around and I saw her. This nice old lady who never asked for anything more than my attention. She stopped me so many times before, trying to talk about…all and nothing at the same time. Loneliness, that’s her problem and it’s slowly killing her. That’s how she said. So I turned around and my sunglasses felt, exposing the redness around my eyes.

-You cried…Oh…

-No…it’s an…allergy…I’m allergic to the…to these flowers…

My dear, I know these kind of allergies…

-I’m really okay, you know…just one of those days…

I’m even smiling…and, to be more convincing, I show her a picture with my little girl in her favorite dress. Hugging her big sister. I even try to make a joke about how they’re always posing as best friends…

And I’m suddenly realizing. I’m always posing…The happy family. Loving wife. Devoted mother. Always in control of every single step…

Not today. Today my heart becomes a wild beast, in a desperate need to destroy the appearances. Today I hate him. Today I find him guilty of killing our love. Today I’m running away from panic attacks, far away from the golden cage where my loneliness is slowly killing me.

-I’ll tell you something, but please don’t feel offended…I see it in your eyes, you’re about to make a mistake. Just like I did. Life is cruel, you know? It wont give you another chance. And the one you want is not always the one your heart needs…

My cell was buzzing so I excused myself and she gracefully said goodbye.

-You’re finally answering, I was worried…where are you?

-I needed some fresh air, I was suffocating…

-You cried…

-A little…

-I’m sorry…I’m here if you want…

-You know, I don’t really know what I want right now. But my heart needs a little time. Because loving you was never that painful…

 

 

If you can’t love me…lie to me

“White roses in her hair and her childlike smile, she looked like an angel…”

He had a melancholic smile and his blue eyes were filled with tears. I just stood there, listening, thinking that his story should be a novel…a love letter…a song…He wiped away his tears, looking at my daughter.

“Forgive an old man…tears come so much easier lately. Here…take them…these roses, I planted them in my garden and loved them as I would love her…my Theresa. And you, little miss…you look just like her.”

I wanted to pay for the roses, but he didn’t even wanted to see the money…

“How could I take money for them? Can you buy a soul? Or can you buy love?”

I asked him to tell me more…he smiled.

“She was 15 and I was 17…young and foolish. I loved her but, back then, in times of war and hunger, love wasn’t a priority…Her family had bigger plans for her…I told you she was beautiful…eyes like the clear sky, hair like the golden sunflower…Me, just another 17 years old fool, like so many others who fell for her. She liked white roses…”.

He stopped for a moment, trying to find his strength…looking at the sky.

“The storm is coming. I shouldn’t keep you and your little princess…Here, I have a picture…that’s how they made pictures back then…”

The picture was unclear and yellow and it looked more like a painting. A girl with long blond hair, smiling, a rose in her hand…

“Do you see the resemblance? I stole this from her home, after she…was taken away…Her parents accused me…but…was it my fault? I would give my life…a thousand lives…to change things…Our last encounter…that cursed morning…Do you want to know?”

I nodded, unable to speak, feeling like, in any moment, I would cry too…

“I was leaving…going to war. I met her behind her house, in our secret place. I asked her if she loves me. She said no. But she was laughing, like it were a joke, playing with me. I asked her again and this time I was desperate: I am leaving to war. When I come back, will you marry me? I’ll buy you a big house and I’ll take you to town every time you want…Say you love me, so I can go more easily…You don’t? Then lie, pretend it’s a game, but say it…” 

My voice trembled when I asked him what happen next.

“She looked away, I got out of my minds and kissed her. She yelled, her father came and threw me away. I left…but…”

Teardrops on the rose’s petals.

“Forgive me…A storm begun, out of the sudden…She ran on the field to catch me and a lightening stroke her. She…she never told me…why was she running like crazy…what made her chase me on the field…she never had the chance…”

The rain was cold and he insistently told us to leave.

“I’ll be okay…I like rain, is good for my garden…But you should go…I’m just an old man repeating the same story till it gets boring even to my own ears. See…little miss…some love stories are not meant for this world…

Some love stories are meant for Heaven.