Who am I beneath the lies?

Butterflies-Free-Desktop-WallpaperAll the love in the Universe and an endless gentleness reflected in his eyes. What a blessed, precious moment, to be taken by the hand and leaded to the silver stairs…

-The time has come, precious soul. Who are you beneath the lies?

Ashamed and empty, I can’t find the answer. I don’t even remember how and why, when and where my truths were replaced by lies. My conscience is a bleeding wound and my sorrows are piercing through this false serenity…

-Don’t cry, sweet little heart. Facing the truth is never painful, is all about healing. Isn’t it why you called me? 

And the blue of a pure sky is smiling closer to me. And I can’t remember my own lies. And I don’t know the meaning of truth. I lost it…

-Another lie? You said you’re lost in the darkness and that was a lie too. How could you be lost when your light is my light and I saw it shining brighter than the stars?

And you called yourself “desperate” and “lonely”. You spoke about the lack of love. When have you stopped loving me? Because I still do. I still love you. 

No! These are all lies! My lies…I never stopped loving him, I never…I just…stopped loving myself…

-You said you’re restless, you said you’re scared. You wrote stories about fallen angels, about flying with broken wings. Beautiful, perfect lies…my graceful butterfly. I want to be your wings, will you let me? Will you dedicate your gentle flight to me? Will you be loyal and will you be faithful to the one who puts you above all?

I cry crystal tears and they’re the water of life that my soul was so thirsty for. I will. He takes me into his loving arms and I am saved. The little runaway finally found her home. He is right, truth is never painful, never in vain and love is above anger, forgiveness is above resentment. His love is above my guilty conscience.

-No, I’m not here to judge you, I’m here to take away this burden. Look into my eyes. Who are you beneath the lies?

Who am I beneath the lies? Oh, Lord, who am I? Will I ever know? Please bare with me, I’m almost there. I feel the answer, just like I feel your love. Forgive me for every bad word, forgive all the lies I ever said to myself in my blind search of freedom.

For now I know who I am.

I AM YOURS.

 

 

 

Image copyrights http://www.wallpaperspick.com/butterflies-free-desktop-wallpaper.html/

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Unaware of her light

1696e5ff-98cb-470e-8d98-d7ce15c398b6Inappropriate, inadequate and immoral. Those were my thoughts when I saw him laughing and joking at the funeral. Of course I didn’t said anything, neither did the others, it would have been so impolite. I know, yes, I know…laughing in front of a tragedy is a defensive mechanism. Even so…

And it’s a tragedy when a young man dies, leaving behind a beautiful wife, a child, parents, grandparents and so many friends. He wasn’t a friend of mine, I didn’t even knew him, but my husband did. That’s why I’m here. Surrounded by grieving people and this man that laughs of anything…

It’s my party so I’ll laugh if I want to…

He’s singing now, looking straight at me, no doubt about it. I’m cold, I’m tired, I’m sad…and a stranger is singing to me in front of a crowd.

He’s touching my hair and that’s too much.

I don’t think I know you.

-Oh really? You don’t think you know me! Well, you don’t. Let’s keep it this way, shall we?

Too late. Hey, do you know the wife? Isn’t she a hottie?

-Please show some respect. She’s grieving…

She’ll live and she’ll love again. So will you.

-What???

He’s taking my hand and I go with him, like hypnotized. Away from the crying people. Away from the pain and loss. He looks deep into my eyes and I feel he knows my deepest thoughts.

You will live and love again. If you only allow yourself to get out of this tomb. If only you stop analyzing everything in terms of “mistakes”.

Just think about…

“It is a mistake that he’s laughing and making jokes at a funeral.”

“It is a mistake that he’s singing in front of the crying people.”

“Oh, what a mistake, to call the grieving wife…a hottie!”

“It’s a mistake that I’m so restless and I keep searching for love in all the wrong places.”

“Wait…isn’t it a mistake that I’m talking to this guy?”

A million mistakes and not a single ray of light! Not a single word of love! Phew, what a shame!

I want to shout at him and I want to cry…I want to ask him how does he know about me? What kind of a creature of darkness has told him my most secret doubts?

Darkness is when you repress the light inside you. When you chose not to share it, not to let it shine. That’s darkness, that’s evil…

I think I see regret in his eyes. A sweet nostalgia, like longing for something he’ll never have. Or is it me? Is it my heart the one that longs for an old forgotten love?

Unaware of her light, she builds prisons, higher and stronger, to imprison her heart…When will you change the story? 

He smiles at me, waving goodbye.

And, for the first time, I cry at his funeral.

 

 

 

 

Wasn’t it supposed to hurt?

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He was waiting for me by the lake, but I couldn’t look into his eyes. The early spring surrounding us had a special kind of glow. He knew I’m looking for this spring ever since I know myself…

“It just wasn’t meant for me…”

I said it so many times, in so many ways and now, that my time has passed, I just realized that it was always possible. But I have chosen winter instead of gentle warmth.

The lake was never that calm and blue and the waters are deeper than ever. I see my image reflected in it, just like a mirror.

“I’m too broken to love…”

I felt it so many times that it became a part of me. The poetic self, the blue heart, the rivers of tears, it was so beautiful to meditate, to write and to cry over my sadness. Over my loneliness. And I never seemed to choose happiness.

“But I was here all the time.”

Yes, he was. Indeed, he always cared, even when I stopped carrying about myself. And now he’s looking at me, inside me. Does he contemplate the struggle and the hurt? Does he see a terrible, frozen, stoned heart – the heart of a woman who never learned to give herself to love?

“All I see is a beautiful child, who imprisoned herself, for no real reason at all, behind bitterness and resentments. And I am sorry. I did it all to open your eyes…I protected you till sacrifice, I treasured you like a miracle that you are. I gave you everything and I loved you more than I loved Heaven.”

From where I’m standing I cannot see the bottom of the lake. I cannot feel the depth of his sadness. Every time I hurt myself, he feels a pain thousand times sharper than my own. And I hurt myself every day, every hour, even now…

“When you say you’re not worthy of love…”

“When you say you don’t want this life anymore…”

“When you say you have no one…”

He is right in every way! And if an endless abyss would open at my feet, it still wouldn’t be enough for me to hide my eyes. My guilty, teary, hopeless eyes…

“Don’t hide from me anymore, I will always love you. It’s not supposed to hurt, my child…Love it’s supposed to be beautiful. To flow freely like the blue waters. Rise up in love and look into my eyes…

Do you see ME now?”

I do and I recognize you, my Savior and my Lord. My Healer and my Love.

 

 

Image copyright: elen_studio – Shutterstock

 

She’s in love with another fool…

32803-xlI hugged him even tighter, almost afraid that I might lose him in this crowded, colorful place. “I guess we came where we were supposed to…” he said, but the loud music covered his voice. Masks, laughs, lights, colors…his blue eyes looking through me, beyond me. Starring at the beautiful ballerina and her dance partner, he seemed to forget I’m there too…

I took my eyes from him for just a second, following a playful little light…and he was gone, like he would have been just a romantic fantasy of mine…

She fell. The beautiful ballerina fell. And, in that terrible, dramatic moment, the music stopped. All the masks turned to watch her crying in agony. All of them, forming a big, thick, dark wall around her. I can’t see her, but their voices…oh, how loud…Oh, how cruel!

-What a fool, to fall like this! I thought she’s better than this!” (the woman wearing the crown)

“-She has no dignity to cry like that, in front of us all!” (the lady with the long black dress)

“-And she ruined the party! What a selfish, self-centered brat!” (the old couple)

“-He pushed her intentionally! All men are the same! Aggressors, liars, cheaters!” (the two women dancing with each other)

“-No, it’s only her fault! For being weak, for allowing him to abuse her!” (the man with high voice)

“-Poor girl, you broke your leg. But I understand you…We, women, would do anything for love!” (the middle age woman with a broken rib)

“-She needs to find and to heal the deep pain that made her stay in an abusive situation…” (the therapist)

“-Not at all! She needs a man in her life, a real man! To take care of her needs.” (the man with the black mask)

“-What she needs is to follow her man, to ask God for wisdom when he treats her…not so delicately. ” (the medieval priest)

“-So, where was God when she got hurt? Nowhere, right? She needs to live her life, to enjoy the present because that’s all she has!” (the atheist)

“-Here, take these pills! You’ll be free of pain!” (the trembling-hands woman)

“-Hahaha, you fools! She’s just pretending! Look at her, she’s just desperate for attention!” (the cruel-voice clown)

“LEAVE HER ALONE!” (me)

I really had no choice, but to push them away. To give her my coat and to help her stand. To open my eyes.

sad_ballerina_new_image_color_expression_hd-wallpaper-1576313-540“Leave me alone…you…all of you!”

They left. What remained was the pain. And him, standing beside me.

-Why did you pushed me?

-I did not.

-Don’t lie. It hurts more than the wound itself.

-Baby, I did not. I fell and I dragged you with me.

-Why didn’t you let me go when you felt like falling.

Tears rolled down from his blue eyes.

Because I love you too much to let you go.

She’s a fool, in love with another fool. She knows it and still, she’ll follow him to the moon and back. Because she loves him too much to let him go.

I’ll be holding you…endlessly…

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Here I am, at the gates of your castle…

“I faced storms and demons, devils and snakes. Please let me in, my King…”

But the walls are just too high and you can’t hear me calling…

Still, here I stand…

“I learned skills and ways, abilities you never imagined…just to catch your eyes. Please look at me, my Love…”

But the light shines too bright and your eyes got tired…

And I’m still knocking on a closed door…

“I died inside and I became new, I broke down and I rose above the ashes. Please love me, my Everything…”

But hearts don’t rise up these days, they just survive a continue, endless fall…

So I died once again.

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What touched you so deeply? What moved you so intimately? What was the key?

The smell of burning wings…you said.

The sound of reborn…you whispered.

A heart shaped tear, more precious than a mountain of diamonds…you smiled.

Still, the gates remained closed in the face of my prayers.

So I climbed the walls. And I broke the chains. I flew with the wind and I fought the monsters inside me. I ran to you, I awaken your weary eyes and I demanded what’s mine.

Your love.

Here I am, at the gates of your castle. Would you let me in? To hold you endlessly…in my heart.

 

Because our hearts are intertwined…

preview16I said the words in whole honesty because there are things you cannot lie about. Fears you cannot hide from. I admitted in front of God, right before taking this path into the dark alley…

I said “God, I’m afraid of 2018. I’m frightened! Because 2017 was like a hurricane and I’m surprised I got to hide so efficiently. A storm after another, so I stayed safe. Hidden. Now, without a hiding place, what if the wild winds will tear apart my weakened heart?”.

Then I woke up on the dark alley, lost. The sweet sounds of music and the beautiful colors made my heart rush in joy. I am saved! Where there’s music, there are people! I wont be lonely anymore! So here I am…

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Hey, am I the only one seeing the angel? Am I the only one seeing YOU?

It seems so. 

And why does this jukebox play the same song over and over again?

Because you never truly listen, do you?

And why are you here?

To take your hand and to guide you into your story. 

The jukebox plays its sweet notes while I see…I see myself in his arms. The bitter-sweet nostalgia overwhelms me and…that’s how the hurricanes always start. Because I never seem to give in! I fight and I scream and I beg and I curse for something I’ll never have again in my life!

Please stop.

Not until you understand.

What? Why?

The lesson. To forgive him and to forgive yourself. Love has so many forms, so many ways. Who are you to put it into a pattern? Do you want to be loved or do you simply look for the perfect picture? 

I look down. The angel is right. I will embrace the love the way it is!

The song goes sweeter and I see me, exactly the way I look now, holding my children tight in my arms. There is so much love in our eyes. This is my Heaven…

Don’t…don’t let it fade away. What is the lesson now? How could it be anything wrong in this image of love?

Can’t you see? Open your eyes. 

I don’t understand. They are my life!

Exactly. And life is so much more! You live through them and that’s not fair. Your lesson is clear and simple. Allow yourself to be happy. Accept who you are, the whole you! The mother, the daughter, the wife, the woman…

It’s not that simple.

I know. That’s why I’m taking you further into your story. Are you ready for the future?

I see myself standing by the jukebox. I’m serene, with a peaceful smile on my face. Alone. So this is it? This is my future?

Yes.

What kind of an angel are you? Take me back! My biggest fear is loneliness and you knew it! This future is a nightmare and I can’t understand why am I smiling! I should be crying…

When are you going to BELIEVE? Just a little…

I see people coming, from all around me. Smiling, dressed in white, carrying the light blue of the sky in their eyes.

Who are they? Am I surrounded by angels?

They’re your friends. People like you.

They seem nice, but I don’t know them…

Still, you prayed for them. You guided them into light and love through your prayers and good thoughts. And you gave them your heart.

My heart? I guided them? I’m not that pure and my faith is not that strong…

This is your lesson. Every human being was given a special gift. A special power to shine. Only that…you cannot shine unless your gifts are intertwined. 

Because our hearts are intertwined…

If you only knew the power of your intertwined hearts, there would be no more fears, no more wars, no more loneliness…

I’m back to the dark alley, but now I see lights shining bright on my way. I don’t need to hide anymore, I don’t need to fear. As long as my little light can shine for others to see it, I know you’ll see me too…

 

 

So maybe I’m just blind…

cimg2331“The abandoned church seems like the perfect place to take a group of tourists and to just leave them there, right? With kids and everything. Look at the fog outside, thick, white and sticky like milk! There’s no way we can walk back to the village!”

I heard their rumors and I saw the anxiety in their eyes, but somehow, I was feeling in peace. A feeling…almost like being home. The medieval fortified church kept its walls intact but there was a certain darkness. And the fog outside amplified it.

We arrived here, like so many other tourists before us, in carriages pulled by horses. And, just like in movies, the horses refused to get near the medieval church, so our boots were now full of mud. Kids found this very funny, so they were running and hiding in every corner, searching for ghosts. And I…

Well, I decided for myself to break a certain rule. The “forbidden for visitors” rule. Since they abandoned us here, we’re more than visitors…so, why not? The “forbidden” stairs, “due to safety reasons” seemed pretty safe to me…So, one step leads to another and here I am.

A dark corridor full of rust and dust…Black shadows and a broken bench…A window, but no sun shining through. I’ll just sit here, on the broken bench, saying a little prayer…

What are you praying for?

My heart just jumped in scare. What is she doing here? A child-actor, in medieval clothes, probably hired by the organizers to increase the authenticity…

I’m still trembling like a leaf and she seems amused by the whole situation.

Greetings.

(Oh, right, she’s playing a medieval girl)

-Who are you? We’re not allowed to climb here. You look funny.

(Be sweet and gentle, she’s just a child)

-Greetings…I love your dress! It looks authentic. How old are you?

She starts to laugh.

-You talk so funny! I don’t know your words! I’m nine. I’m from the village.

-Oh, I spend the Christmas there! I’m with the group of tourists, we visited a few medieval fortified churches, but this one is the oldest…

She’s suddenly so serious.

-Are you coming in peace?  “Tourist” is the name of your village? You seem kind, how about the others? The ones before you,the villains, took my sister and burned our house. We sleep in the church now.

(I know is just a role, but she plays it so well! Should I play along? Or just ignore her and go back to the others?)

-We’re all kind and decent people. But what you’re telling me is terrible!

-Tell me about your village!

(My village…the big city with so many lights…my lonely heart ran away from my village…)

-Well…it’s a nice village…but not as beautiful as yours!

Is it peace there?

-Yes, we live in peace. And we have a big church with many beautiful, colorful paintings on the walls…

-And you have food every day?

(I swear I can see tears in her eyes! No, this is not just a role)

-Food…yes.

-Bread? I love bread…

-Bread and fruits…and…hey, do you want an orange?

(She takes a step back and I instantly regret my gesture…)

-I don’t trust you! You talk strange. Are you trying to poison me? And you didn’t not told me what are you doing here! Here in my village!

-You know, I’m here because…every year, around Christmas, I get sad. Very sad. Nothing helps me with this sadness. So, I found this place…where I can hide away, I can pray and find peace…

She’s starring at me and, for a moment, I’m afraid she didn’t understood my words…

How can you get sad? You have peace in your village. A big church with paintings. Bread every day. A home where you can sleep. You must be blind not to see all these!

I heard them calling my name. It looks like the carriages are back.

-I have to go…

She vanished like thin air. I hear her steps somewhere along the black corridor. Her smile filled the air with little golden sparks…

“Hey, I almost fell asleep here…You know, there’s something in the air, it makes you feel dizzy, right? At least the fog is gone! So, this was the famous abandoned church. Full of ghosts…What a great story to tell (to naive tourists just like ourselves)! They should have, at least, hired an actor to bring a bit of authenticity…”

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I hear their rumors as I rush down stairs. I need to hug my children. I need to tell them how much I love them. I need to say “Thank you, God!”

For the peace I’m living in…

For my daily bread…

For the love of my family…

For the faith in my community…

For every friend I made in this big, wild, crazy world…

For healing my blindness.

 

To be loved and to be free!

Health insurance or love conceptI’m here to give it all to you…

My love and my heart. My life and my destiny. My world and my everything. Every hope, every lost dream, every whispered prayer. Every tear.

Every fantasy of a world full of bright colors. And my everlasting desire for peace. My powers and my strength, along with every lost battle. All yours.

Because I am yours.

Here I am, putting my heart in your hands. You are my safe place. You, who took me into your loving arms when all the walls were tumbling down. You, who took my hand and guided me back home when I got lost. You, who loved the lost, vulnerable, crazy me!

And me…I shouted out so loud! Poisoned words, words of hate, words of anger. Rejection. Frustration. Denial. Pain. You heard them all and you stayed with me. You let me run away and still take me back, every single time.

I fell on my knees, begging for forgiveness and you smiled. You lifted me up, showing me the blue sky. Telling me how much you love me. How deep is your forgiveness and your understanding.

I love You.

And I need to tell you something, because it made me cry. You told me to bring you all my tears and pains. So, here is my story…

The class was almost over when I met him. The little boy with grey eyes and the desert’s sand color in his hair. He looked at me smiling and I felt a cold shiver.

He never smiles. Rarely speaks. Autism, they said…but there’s more. Much more. His smile was mean and he got closer, whispering through his teeth:

“He’s coming after you.”

In a complete lack of tact and inspiration, I just asked who…who’s coming after me…

“Your master. You know him. He’ll take you away. No one can help you.”

And he just ran with the meanest laugh I ever heard…

I was afraid and I shouldn’t have been. I was driven by fear too many times. I’m turning to you now…

It destroyed too many Christmas Eves. I let it take control over me completely and yes, it took me away. Year after year. And no one could help me because there, where I was, no love can survive.

I let it become my master and it played with my soul. I was alone, feeling unloved, unwanted, unsafe.

But here I am now, my Lord, my Christ, my Light…

This is the first year when I’m winning this war. Your love is my shelter.

And this is my prayer…not for me…but for so many people who struggle with an emptiness inside during Christmas time.

Depression was my master until You saved me. Please shine Your Light upon every blue heart, all around the world.

May they feel loved. And may they be free…

Merry Christmas, dear friends!

I am not a hero, I am not an angel…

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“I don’t really know why am I here, I guess I just needed…”

A hug? Someone to tell you that everything will be alright? It will be, just hold on a little more. I will tell you a little story, just like the ones you loved when you were a child. See? You’re already smiling…so close your eyes for a moment and open your heart…and let me in. Let my story heal the wounds that hurt so badly…

Here we go…A few days ago, I was in the church, like always, when an ordinary day turned into miracle. A woman came in, crying. A mother. Holding a little boy in her arms. People looked at her, some whispered behind her back. “Poor woman. Poor child.” But no one was brave enough, compassionate enough, loving enough to go to her.

I went to her and she fell on her knees. She kissed the ground and she kissed the Rosary I was holding in my hands. And we all noticed…she was crying tears of joy.

She tried to say a prayer, through tears, but “thank you” was all she could pronounce. She showed me the little boy. “Thank you for saving him.” 

“Was he sick? Was he in danger?” – people asked. And the woman told them her story.

She was walking on the street when a call on her cellphone made her put down the child she was holding. An important call from work. Minutes of talking. The child ran free, laughing. Safe, away from the traffic. But she heard sirens. An ambulance. All the cars pulled over to give priority to the ambulance. 

All, except for a black jeep. The driver heard the sirens too late and, in a desperate attempt to avoid a collision, he drove his car into the sidewalk. The mother saw the child disappearing under the black jeep. She screamed.

“An angel saved him.”

She described the angel like people usually do. Golden hair, dressed in white, bright eyes, a gentle voice…

“It wasn’t like that, you changed the story! I had a white coat, but my eyes weren’t bright and my voice wasn’t gentle. The woman holding the child. The call. The child running and laughing. The ambulance. The black jeep. Me. Her. The little boy. I saw everything as flashes in my mind, a few moments before it actually happened. I took the child in my arms before actually seeing the black jeep.”

So, that means…

“I am not a hero and definitely not an angel. An instrument of God, maybe. Or, at least, I wish I were…”

You are sad. You feel lonely even surrounded by friends. You feel judged when you talk about your faith and guilty when you don’t. I’m here to tell you that everything will be alright. I’m here to assure you that you made the right choice. 

I know you don’t believe in yourself. But I do. 

I opened my eyes. A ray of light was gently embracing me. And Mother Mary was smiling at me from every painting. Holding a sweet baby boy in her sacred arms…

 

 

 

Here I pray, Lord, where nobody is listening…

 

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“He must be the coldest man I ever met!” she said to herself, starring at him with her big green eyes. “And the rudest! Because I said hello and he wouldn’t even look at me, then I asked How are you? and he wouldn’t move a muscle! He wouldn’t give me a smile…”.

Her passion for lost causes brought her to him. And her desire of saving the world made her stay a little more than usual in his quiet company. And…yes, he was handsome! Yes, he had that “fallen angel” aura…something pointless to love but impossible to ignore.

One more try.

“You’re so cold, can I give you my coat? There you are, isn’t it better?”

She must have hurt his pride…probably. Her pink coat was laying on the snow and still, no intention of him to respond to her kindness. Then she noticed he’s on his knees.

“You are praying? Here? In the park? I guess we can pray anywhere…Hey, can I pray with you?”

She got on her knees, but realized very quickly that that’s a bad idea.

“I hope God wont mind me praying standing…you know, sometimes I don’t even know if he notice me. My knees hurt from that fall I took the other day, while trying to save the lost kitten. Anyway…what are we praying for?”

He moved away.

Okay, one last try.

“Sometimes I don’t know what to pray for. So I just say…Thank you, Father. For the colors and the songs, for the rainbows and the butterflies. Thank you for the love I have in me. Thank you for loving me back. Amen! And…Father Anthony heard me once and he said is the most beautiful prayer he ever heard! But he’s just kind to me.”

Big tears falling from his eyes.

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“Oh, you’re crying…Please don’t cry…See, sometimes I feel I’m praying in vain. Like nobody is listening. Once, I was so desperate, (I was climbing a small mountain and a storm began) that I shouted out loud: Here I am Lord! Here, where you can’t hear me! Where you don’t see me! Where should I climb to be closer to you? He heard me, cause the storm stopped and I saw the rainbow…”

A ray of light on his devastated face.

“See? That’s a sign! Oh, I’m so happy I was here with you! Can I hug you?”

She hugged him and kept him warm, close to her heart. She only let him go when her hands got icy cold. Her arms were empty.

The snowman smiled to her from the clear blue skies above. She was sad, then she was grateful. She understood that, maybe, this is her mission.

To see a blessing in every little thing. To hear a response of Heaven in every little prayer. To reach out to the hopeless ones. To love. Above all, TO LOVE.