Heavenly bound

Maybe outside the air will be easier to breath. Maybe if I move slowly, no one will notice. Maybe if I wear these sun glasses, my eyes wont be able to betray my tormented soul. Maybe…

I was right, wasn’t I? I left the church with slow moves, so no one saw…I wore the sun glasses so that I’d look perfectly calm and…in peace. And I found these stairs, right here, behind the big entrance. No one would find me here…I can finally find some rest. But…

Is there any rest for the restless?

-I hope there is, ’cause, like it or not, we’re all a bit restless. Especially today. Want some?

He was offering me a doughnut with such a warm and friendly voice, like we would had been friends for years. I tried to ignore him, hating myself for this bad habit of saying it out loud. My inner conversations…

-So, you’re a runaway, just like myself, aren’t you? I saw you running out of the church. Gracefully, indeed…but you still need to work on your moves…that door made a terrible noise…So, let’s hear your story. And, please, I already saw the tears, just take off the glasses…

I still ignore him but I try to figure out…he’s too clean and decently dressed to be a homeless…And he has this attitude, like he knows me…but I feel such a good vibe, like I’m completely safe. Yeah, right…safe…

-Okay, I’ll start then, since you’re so quiet…The bishop’s voice is always making me sleepy. Well, today…I was too hungry to sleep and the doughnuts were getting cold. Are you sure you don’t want one?

I smile. I don’t want to, I’m afraid I’m encouraging him, but I can’t stop smiling. And I take off the sun glasses.

-Oh, my God! Look at your eyes. Greener than green. Are they always like this when you cry, or does it happen only in old churches?

-Only when I’m torn apart. And when the darkness wins. 

How could I? I just…spoke the words, exactly the words in my mind. I mean…I never spoke so honestly…What’s wrong with me?

-Well, Light won too many times, right? It was about time to let a little room for the darkness. So, how is it when darkness wins?

-Horrible! I look around me and everyone has more. And I hate them. More love, more care, more attention, more…everything. More than I’ll ever have! 

-Brrrr…that sounds awful. Are you sure you don’t want a doughnut? I have more than I need. Upsss…I have more! Can you believe how insensitive I just have been?

He sounds so childlike, so funny, so incredibly innocent. I laugh through tears.

I think I’ll go home. Thanks for offering me your doughnuts…

-You are home. And you are loved. Look above…you have the Heaven’s love. Everyone there is sending you love. Every day. An angel is watching over you permanently with complete care and attention. Saints are praying for your heart to be healed. And when you cry, you are held and cradled by heavenly arms.

And THIS. This is all yours. The fresh air, the cold rivers, the restless sea, the calming rain, the earth was created for you. So you can enjoy your every step into this journey.

I look above…I was so wrong. Forgive me…

And you are forgiven even before saying the words. Even before feeling the regret. That’s how much you are loved.

-Wait…who are you? How do you know…

I’ll never know. But HE knows and now I will say it out loud.

Darkness never won.

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How can I try to right the wrong?

“This is one of those moments. Your future may depend on your intuition. On your inner voice. This is when there are no answers, not in your books. When you, my fellow students, future colleagues, are supposed to use your talent. Your gift. So, let’s begin.”

And here I am, completely unprepared…exhausted after so many sleepless nights, emotionally drained after so many fights. I can’t be a good therapist now, when I feel I have nothing left to give. And this professor, he obviously saw the dark circles under my eyes. He probably thinks I came straight from a party. When the truth is…

The door opens and it’s too late for me to walk away. I’m about to lose everything…

I hear rumors around me. He didn’t mentioned that we need to review the chapter about psychosis. Look at the case he brought…he’s doing this intentionally. I wonder if she’s under any medication. 

I try to concentrate on the case. I can’t. All I see is a girl my age, scared, confused, with a teddy bear in her arms. Her name is Deana and she’s telling us her story so that we can present our therapeutic approach. She speaks so fast, laughing from time to time. Short laughs…I wonder if my colleagues see that she’s trying hard not to cry.

And there’s something in her eyes, in her voice that touches my heart. There’s something in that faked laugh of hers that brings tears in my eyes. And I realize…oh, how it hurts…that we’re studying her and she knows. And, for a reason I can’t understand, she’s looking at me. Straight into my eyes, with a trusty smile.

And I hear my colleagues theories and they all deserve the best grade. And it’s my turn to speak. And I’m afraid, not that I’m losing my scholarship, not that I wont pass this exam.

I’m afraid I’ll let her down. I’m afraid that her trust in me is misplaced.

“Will you please present your approach on this (very clear) case of psychosis? So that we can all go home?”

The professor’s condescendent  tone makes me aware that I already lost. So, why wouldn’t I risk it all and just speak my mind?

“She’s not a case and she’s not psychotic. Her name is Deana, she’s standing right here, in front of us, feeling lonely, humiliated, scared and lost. Hearing our theories about her. Listening how we’re going to treat her. Do we really help her now?”

The room became smaller as the silence around me made my knees tremble. Terrified looks, the sarcastic smile on the professor’s face. That’s it. If I’m losing my scholarship, at least I’ll do it with greatness.

The professor stares at me and I feel like I’m the case here. But he asks me to continue so I look at Deanna.

“Thank you for sharing your amazing story, it was very brave of you. Thank you. Deana, from all the people in this room, including myself, there’s only one person who holds the keys to your healing. And that person is YOU. Please tell me how can I help you in using these keys.”

She comes closer and I hear her whispering “thank you”. And, against all the rules, I go there, in front of my colleagues and I hug her.

Someone is applauding and I wonder how much sarcasm I can stand…

“You see, fellow students, Deana is, indeed, not a case. And absolutely not psychotic. She’s just a really great actress (thank you, Deana, for participating to our little experiment). The script was about the borderline behavior. None of you even mentioned this term. Everyone jumped to treat what cannot be treated: life. Except for our idealist colleague. My dear, allow me to encourage your emphatic approach, but the harsh reality is that your hugs wont right the wrongs of life. It’s simply not enough…”

I passed the exam. And it meant nothing.

What truly mattered and still does…

is that LIFE needs to be lived, not treated. 

The wrong needs to be righted, not only observed and commented

and a hug may not be enough, but it surely is essential and meaningful.

So…this is my warm hug. And my way of saying THANK YOU, my wonderful friends from our blogging world. For all the encouragement, for all the healing words, for being here when I’m tempted to give up. For reminding me that kindness is our universal language. Thank you!

 

Would you help me stand?

In the sweet candle’s light even the sound of music seemed to descend straight from heaven. And their love was visible, a halo of light…oh, how blessed was I just to be near them…

He was holding her hand with so much tenderness and she laid her head on his shoulder. He kissed her hair and they both laughed. And I knew I had to say something, just to prevent this magic from being broke.

-I’m so sorry for starring at you two…but you look so happy together. The way you look at each other, almost like you complete each other’s thoughts…I’m amazed and happy that a love like yours still exists!

They thanked me warmly and I knew I’m right. This love I’m seeing in front of me is real. True and honest. Unbreakable and pure. He will be there for her for an eternity. She will love him with all she has in her for more than a lifetime.

I wanted to ask them what’s their secret but I stopped. She was wearing the Miraculous Medal…is it faith? The guarantee that her love will remain untouched by time and sorrows…He was playing with a small fluffy heart that he bought for her, knowing she still adores soft toys. Then he saw the little red rose on the table and arranged the flower in her hair, smiling when she discovered his work of art…

So…is it tenderness? Keeping the inner child alive? Laughing together? Seeing the best in each other, no matter what? Saying I love you in more than one way? Even without words or especially without words? Is it…all?

Can we have it all? Just for a day? Like it was before?

He whispered something in her ear and she suddenly looked straight in my eyes. And I looked down, ashamed and frightened. But her voice spoke to my heart, like no other…

Why don’t you dance? Listen to this soft music, look at the stars above us, feel the warmth of so many white candles around us…Dance with him. Ask him to help you stand if you feel like falling…

-So…what nightmare did you had this time? You fell asleep for like…five minutes…and look at this pillow…all wet from your tears. What was it this time?

It wasn’t a nightmare, I had a vision. It was a message and I need…

-You have a sunstroke, not visions, not messages! No wonder you have nightmares, listen to this music, so loud…

-Listen to me, please. I went back in time and I saw us, when we were young…we were around 21…that vacation when you proposed me…remember? You bought me that fluffy heart? How could you forget? Remember how I was always wearing the Miraculous Medal and…remember that rose that you put in my hair?

-What rose…oh, my God…I almost forgot about it! The rose faded away and you were still wearing it…How could you dream such thing? It was…ages ago!

-I know! Listen to the music, it’s our song! I want to dance…

-Honey, you can’t even stand…

-Help me stand, please…Would you? 

And then…dance with me till the end of times. Even if I feel like falling. Especially then. Dance me back to life, all over again.

 

Days like these, no one should be alone…

She smiles all the time, even through tears, and I try to hide this salty water in my eyes. A river of little diamonds in her eyes, my own heart invaded by her light. I never saw her so beautiful, shining so bright. The “lady with the pigeons”, as I called her as a child, a sweet soul, always gentle, always kind and loving, always alone…

Do you see? Can you understand now how blessed you truly are? 

I do understand it in my mind…the heart is the one that never seems to have enough. But this isn’t about me, not now.

Have you missed someone so hard, so deep that it cuts through your soul and you know you’ll never be the same? Have you carried long conversations with him in your mind or have you ever smiled in the mirror, trying a new dress and imagining you’re wearing it for him?

A long distance relationship can make you live in an imaginary world, I know it too well. When you love so much, with everything in you…so much that it hurts…

You promise yourself you’ll be kind, sweet, generous…you’ll be the perfect woman for him. You remember your fights but you can’t recall the reasons behind them. And if you do, what sense do they have? He left. And the world is expecting from you to move on.

No…not the whole world. There will always be people willing to hold your hand and to listen to your stories. They will cry with you, they will say the right words. They will care.

I still love him. Even if he’s there, happy and free. He asks me, from time to time, how I feel and I never tell him the truth. But he knows somehow, I see it in his eyes, I feel it in his embrace. And one day we’ll be together and that day it’s close…so close! 

She looks up to the skies above.

Do you see that heart shaped cloud? Every time I talk about my feelings for him…There are signs everywhere, but we are too blind to see. So…what if I only talk to him in my mind? What if he only embraces me in my dreams? What if he’s there…in Heaven? We are still in love. 

She smiles through this hard story and I try to smile too. This golden ray of light that just appeared seems to gently touch her face and a white feather just laid on her palm, brought by a sudden warm wind.

See? Signs…It wont be long now…what’s a few weeks? I never cried, well…a little, when my hair fell down…but even there I knew I am loved. And I knew that I’m close. My love is waiting for me.

She asks me to come closer to her bed. She can’t talk loud, so she whispers. Her pain is visible but she wont let go my hand. Not until I’ll listen. Not until I’ll learn it by heart.

I wanted to see you because I have a message for you. A message from the place I’m going. And it’s important for you to know…

These days no one should be alone, no one should spend these precious moments turning love into drama and tragedy.  Our last days on this Earth…is not safe for any of us to wander by themselves…carrying their hearts like torches ready to burn everything around…

So, FORGIVE. And LOVE. Turn your brokenness into HOPE. Just…BELIEVE…

And she left. Sometimes, when I think of her, a white feather appears out of nowhere and the wind changes the shape of the clouds into big, white, fluffy wings…

 

We’re not getting enough

Would you forgive? Could you move on and just live like nothing ever happen? 

She had a story to tell and her own version of the truth. So I took a deep breath, knowing I have absolutely no right to judge…

Will you blame me, like I blame myself? No, that’s impossible you couldn’t possible say the awful things I said in front of the mirror. Or maybe you’ll give me a moral speech about adultery…I know it by heart. 

No moral speeches, no harsh words. Only love. Because the lack of it is the source of all our wounds.

To tell him the truth. Why? To take this burden and throw it upon his shoulders. To destroy our life, our family. For a few moments of insanity.

But it was so much more. The story of your life…

Yes, I found the perfect guy, the most decent and kind and honest…after dating so many bad boys that I cannot even remember. Yes, I married him and our little boy is the living prove that miracles exists. And still…

You weren’t getting enough. Love, attention, care. The child in you was aching for more. And you didn’t knew where to look for…

The other man…I don’t even know him. And he doesn’t even care. It wasn’t even love or care, I don’t know what it was. But here I am, losing all. If I tell the truth I am losing all…

He thinks it’s his fault, he’s blaming himself. Guilt and damnation instead of love and forgiveness. And two broken hearts. Please, have faith…

I held him tight, a little longer than I used to…So many storms, words that cut deep, creating wounds that will never be completely healed. Sarcasm, irony, neglect and indifference. I want to forgive. I want to have faith…

Because, somewhere in this world, right at this moment,two broken hearts are learning to love each other again. And, in his open arms, she found more than redemption and forgiveness. She found life.

I asked her to have faith when my faith was almost gone…

I asked her to tell the truth when all I ever did was to run away…

I asked her to trust in their love when I was ready to throw it all away…

We don’t get enough from each other. We create chaos and frustration when all we really want is to cry out for love and forgiveness…

…a little more today.

 

 

If you feel you can’t wait ’till morning…

Just another sleepless night and I had to come to you. Love was never easy for neither of us, wasn’t it? You seem so surprised…why? After all, you know everything about losing battles, so that makes you a survivor. Do you see the irony in this?

Can I come in? Don’t be afraid, the only dark is in my soul. Or, better be…be frightened! Because I chased away all the stars and I’m carrying the darkest shade of black withing me. What you see in front of your eyes is not what you know, not what you expected, so be very afraid…

Who said you are meant to save me? Now that I’m touching your heart, I can feel how fragile it is. One simple gesture, one wrong move and it’s broken. Why are you still staying? Will you stay ’till morning comes? I need you! Will you finally open your eyes?

I finally opened my eyes. The nightmare left my skin covered in cold sweat so I’m trembling. The window is open and the darkness never seemed so deep. My Rosary is laying on the floor and my bedroom looks ravished. Wild wind…

3:03 AM

I remember my nightmare and I remember his voice. I’m doing it. Maybe I’m losing my mind, but I’m doing it.

-Stephan? I’m sorry to call you this hour, I’m sure you were sleeping and now you’re thinking I’m some lunatic…

-I…I wasn’t…how did you knew?

-What? Your voice sounds strange. I had a nightmare and…Why are you still up this late?

-I was just writing something…for you. A note.

-A note? What note? Stephan…

-It’s just that…life…and love was never easy. I lost too much already and I can’t go on. I’m sorry, you should really go to sleep, I’m not worthy…

-Listen…love wasn’t easy for neither of us and we know all about losing battles. You know what we are? Survivors! We are experts in facing our fears. But right now I am afraid, I’m frightened of losing my best friend. So, just stay with me and listen! Okay?

-Okay…I guess…

-I know that feeling when you look in the mirror and you cannot recognize yourself. All you see is the darkest shade of black…

-That’s exactly how…

-I know, I do know! You touched my heart so many times that you became a part of it. Fragile as it is, broken as you found it, you were the only one who saw its walls falling. So, no matter what…no matter how deep is your darkness…I am staying! I can be afraid of so many things, but I wont be afraid of you. And if you are in darkness, then I’ll join you there, until the morning comes!

-I think you were meant to save me…

-Only three hours are separating us from the day light. I will make sure you’re reaching the morning light safely…

Because you are meant to live. To face your fears and to learn that, beyond every lost battle, there can be a new beginning. 

And no matter how fragile we are, how deep is our inner darkness, how broken and scared we see ourselves, we’re all worthy. To embrace the morning light.

 

 

Pure again

Back to that moment again…

When “I need to be strong” made no sense in your mind. It was okay to dream that someone will be strong for you. Your prince on a white horse, coming to rescue you from the noise and ambiguity around you.

And he would make everything crystal clear. For everyone around you, so their words would meet his armor of love and nothing would touch your heart. Only his love. He would carry you in his arms through all the battles. Your hero.

Remember, you used to be so kind. Compassionate and sweet. Fragile and yet so brave. Innocent and wise. Pure. Where are you, child of Light?

Back to that moment again…

I’m here…can you see me? Can you hear my voice? I’m the little girl in the white dress, chasing butterflies and laughing…This beautiful garden is my home…

And here…here are my dreams. They’re so vivid, so colorful, so bright! I can touch them! I can play and I can fly…Can you see my Paradise?

He’s with me. Our love is innocent and that’s its force. It moves mountains, it crosses oceans, it keeps us free…The river…can you see it shining? The water is pure Light and it’s crystal clear. We’re bathing our hearts in the river of life. Only love, he whispers…

Back to that moment again…

Clear your heart, go deep and set it free. No trace of hate…Rest there, let your soul find peace…Believe…Believe again…Love is a river of Light and you don’t need to be strong. You always was…In your deepest vulnerability, you had no fault. Their words left scars, deep scars but…look at your heart…it shines stronger than ever. Where are you now?

Back to that moment again…

My moment of innocence and I wont ever come back. This is home, this is me! 

She is the bravest girl I ever met. Not only because she overcame the trauma of a repeated abuse, not only because she chose life…She fell in love again. She believed.

And today, almost two years from our therapy session, she came to invite me to her wedding. A little white rose was attached to the soft paper. With a note saying…

Pure again. Believing again. In love. Back to that moment again, when God opened the door of Heaven for me…

 

 

 

 

 

You are my heaven on earth…

So, this is not a confession after all. Tell me, sweet child, what is the sin I’m supposed to absolve? You only spoke about love…

I tried to stop myself from crying but his kindness was unexpected. In all my crisis, in all my weakness, he was always there. From the very beginning…from my first confession…The only one who’s still calling me “sweet child” even if I’m a grown up with children of my own.

My confession today was so different…yes, I spoke about love. A love that saved me from the deepest darkness. A love descending from Light, from Heaven. Pure and untamed. He listened and he smiled. He understood that no sin was committed…He knew it and he didn’t needed me to explain…

I see this glow around you, this light in your eyes. And I’m grateful I came to live this day even if…and I think I’m the only one…I never lost hope. Remember when you told me to stop praying for you? It happen almost an year ago. You said that the prayers can’t reach to the place where you’re going…

I’ll never forget. A dark night in November. The cold rain on my window and my ravished soul. My eyes hurting, swollen from too much crying. A wrong decision. No one knew, but that night changed my destiny. There, in the darkness of the night, with the cold rain on my face, one step from falling…I decided that I want to live.

And not even then…you were not a sinner. Just a lost child. I prayed someone will find you and bring you Home. So, sweet child, can you forgive a rose for needing the sunlight? Or should you judge the sunflower for turning its petals to feel more warmth? Will I blame the lost lamb for running into the arms of the shepherd? If I would, my child, it would mean I lived my 82 years in vain. And it would show my limited faith…My own lack of love…

I am in love. This innocent and yet powerful feeling is the brightest part of me. I treasure it, I keep it safe in my heart and I cherish it by being a better person. He sees the best in me, so I’ll give my best.

Sweet child, today I won’t absolve you from your sins…today I will give you my blessing. Love. Do good. Love more. And don’t forget me in your prayers…

Remember…Heaven is filled with souls that, here on Earth, were called “sinners”. And these beautiful sinners had one thing in common: their love was greater than any human judgement…

Soldier, take off your armor!

He was holding the Bible like a stone ready to be thrown…

-and put down the stone, please…

I froze…the whole church was starring at me. I looked at my husband, sitting next to me, I knew I’m embarrassing him…and all I wanted was to disappear quickly, leaving no trace, no memory…But it wasn’t the case…I spoke the words.

I looked around, searching for any help…no, this was supposed to be my battle. People around me had that amused/intrigued look in their eyes. I dared to argue with their famous preacher…

I was there for the concert…to raise founds for the children…I was tricked. They invited me in their church, acting friendly, yet distant…I heard someone saying “this is going to be interesting” and then the preacher started to…

…to spread hate. That’s all he did…And I should have walked away in the first moment…but I just stood there, I took my Rosary and I started to pray in my mind, trying to ignore…Then it was like something took control over me…and I spoke…asking him to put down the stone…

-It’s so sad that you see in our Bible a stone…And it’s making me angry! Can you see, my dear brothers and sisters? Can you see how the Catholic Church is brainwashing its people? She’s not to blame, she’s a victim, like so many others. Controlled by a wolf disguised in the softest lamb!

I tried to control the trembling of my voice. He looked straight in my eyes, waiting for a response. I looked at my Rosary…asking God to give that answer for me…through me.

And my voice sounded calm, soft, gentle.

-I wasn’t talking about the Holy Bible when I asked you to put down the stone…

-Oh, no? Let’s hear then, brothers, with an open heart…

-Thank you…I was only talking about this huge stone that’s crushing your heart. Can you put it down? Will you? In the name of God…

Someone in the audience approved me silently and someone else smiled at me. The preacher came closer and I saw something in his eyes…Was it fear? I continued in the same soft tone…

-Sometimes people forget…and it’s only human to forget…the essence of our faith. We get lost in our frustrations, in our anger, in our resentments. Do you remember the essence?

He smiled victoriously and took the Bible again in his hands, raising it up.

-Here. The Bible is the essence, the word of God!

-What about Love?

He became pale. I asked God, in my mind, to heal his heart. And then I saw his anger.

-You’re good with words, aren’t you? But that’s only natural…can you see, brothers, big words with nothing behind them. That’s their ideology…

No one approved him this time. I looked at the old lady sitting a bench away. Compassion…that was the emotion in her smile to me.

-Well, let’s see…I listened for an hour to your words. I prayed when your ideology attacked everything I love…I wasn’t going to say anything. Not a single word. But then you called yourself a soldier, so I’m asking you…who are you fighting for?

-God. I’m fighting for God.

-Are you? As a child of God…it doesn’t matter…Catholic or not…Christian or not…simply as a child of our Creator…I’m pleading with you…take off this armor of hate and look deep into your heart. And when you’ll find Him there, in your heart…you’ll also find Love and Forgiveness. And you wont have to fight anymore…only to Believe.

I turned my back and I left. I found myself almost running away, in the cold dark street. Alone, with tears on my face.

Suddenly I realized that someone is rushing to me. A girl I didn’t even saw there…she was crying.

-Please stop…this, what happen there…was so ugly! They had no right, no right at all to judge like they did. I’m sorry, please forgive me!

-Forgive you? You did nothing wrong…

-I was there and I was afraid to speak. I was a part of…that. Forgive me.

I hugged her and I assured her of all my forgiveness and love. And I knew, right then, that it all happen for a reason…

Because it’s only human to forget the essence of our faith. Love. Not religion, not an ideology, not a preacher or any other religious leader. Simply Love. 

So that our souls can be safe…