Some nights we’re just breathing fire!

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I saw her running like crazy, towards (what she believed to be) the only visible light. Ignoring the pain of breathing too fast and too deep, sighting with her feet stumbling on rocks and thorns, bitten by snakes and flames. I saw her crossing the bridge of fire, going right into the heart of that vibrant black light.

His aura. Or was it the black of his eyes? She’s biting her bottom lip, agonizing for a drop of water. Gasping for air in the burning air. And still, she looks happy.

Here I am, with everything in me. Take me, I want what you promised. To run with you and to be yours. Take this brokenness inside and make me whole. Give me life…for I belong to you.

He’s slowly turning to face her, his velvet wings almost touching her pale skin. The slightly amused smile and the flickering flames were not what she expected. Discouraged and alone, she’s clinging to her only hope. No dignity left in the empty shell of her heart. No pride and no sense of self value.

So she kneels in front of him.

And his cruel laugh breaks the last remain of her fragile inner strength. She breaks, she cries, she begs, she dies…

Really? I mean…REALY?

Just as I imagined, his voice has the force of a thunder. Just as she always fantasized, his words bring her to life.

Dark, dead fingers grabbing her arm are forcing her to stand. She trembles in front of him, waiting for her sentence.

Please. 

If she would only look, if she would only dare, she would see the flames in his gaze and the snake wrapping around his neck. His wings burn with the fire of hell. His touch has the coldness of a thousand stones and when he grabs her chin, she feels torn in pieces.

So you want ME? 

Yes. Yes! More than anything. More than life. More than love…

He pushes her for no apparent reason. Just to see her falling? Just to see her crawling back to his feet? From where I’m standing, this is simply…unfair. Isn’t it?

SILENCE!

She stops sighting, she barely breaths, waiting for his next move. But his tone is arrogant and harsh.

Weak and useless. Despicable. The one who falls so easily will never walk among us. WE are the ones who breath fire. And you cannot feed our desires. 

Knowing he’ll fly away, feeling she’ll never get a second chance, she does the unimaginable. Oh, sweet girl, did you really thought…?

Yes, she did. She clung to his wings and tore them apart. Black feathers and black blood, the horror of an endless desperate cry…

Some nights I breath fire too. In pure pain and deep agony. Ever since he left. He closed a door and opened the gates of hell. So take me now, dance me to the edge and let me burn!

(He’s not worthy, he’s really not worthy of your sacrifice!) – I shout in vain. It has to be her free choice.

Death stares at her with frightened eyes. Broken wings and broken hearts…when will it end? When will we learn?

I cannot take you. There’s ONE who calls you “my child” and I have no power over HIM. Do NOT call me again, you fool!

She raise her head and smiles brightly.

Her triumph is my victory and her happy-end is my beginning.

In love with life, because we’re worth it.

 

 

 

 

All credits for the image goes to https://adela1015.deviantart.com/art/SKETCH-22-Mount-Fuji-333529164

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Before our hearts go to their graves…

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You don’t know how it feels, but I do. Oh, Lord, how I learned through tears of blood and excruciating pains! So you’re going to stay right here, without a single word, without moving a single muscle. And don’t you dare to cry now. The tears are all mine.

I’m staying, alright…where am I supposed to go anyway?

I murdered it with my bare hands. The hands that held you, turned into a weapon. How does it feel? It wasn’t a feeling of greatness, I wasn’t feeling all mighty. It humbled me, it crushed me to see it fighting for a breath of air. For a glance of hope. And no, you’re not allowed to have this shocked expression on your face. Not this time. You made me do it, so take your part of guilt and responsibility.

I had to, what was I supposed to do? It was destroying my life.

Yeah, I imagined it did. So you had no choice but to turn me into a murderer. Did you enjoy it? The light you saw and loved in me, turned into cruel lightnings. The passion turned into desperation. But let me tell you something…it did not die in peace. It struggled to survive. I killed it more than once. Endlessly. And it kept coming back to life. No, you wont have a panic attack this time. You have to hear it.

The right choice and the right path…we should be proud of ourselves. Right?

I buried it alive. And then I had to listen to its agony every single night. Do you know that I heaven’t slept in years? Do you know that my nightmares are haunting me even now, as we speak? Do you know why?

How am I supposed to know? 

Because TRUE LOVE never dies in peace.

Oh.

No matter how much you try to push it into the friend zone.

Well…

No matter how you lie to yourself that you made the right choice.

I…

No matter how weak you feel for your passionate desires.

I swear…

No matter if your heart is an open wound that will keep bleeding till you take it to its grave.

I swear I never…

No words! This is my turn to speak. May you be cursed with TRUE LOVE. May your body and mind have no rest until you revive it. May your nights be sleepless until you make this dream come true.

I swear…

Don’t swear, you don’t know what sacred means until you’ll look into the deepest of your soul and you’ll see love dying in vain…

Stop it, shut up and listen! I’m brave because you made me brave. I’m strong because you made me strong. I’m alive because you brought me back to life. And I swear…

…I never ever stopped loving you. Nor I will…

 

 

Facing the moonlight…

Stars_Crescent_Boys_Little_girls_Night_Two_Roof_514739_1151x1024I know this restless feeling inside you, why are you hiding your eyes? You’re twisting and turning in your sleepless storms inside. Come outside, be like you used to be! Just for one night. 

I was just a child.

No, you were so much more…Tell me, what child spends hours in the late night talking to a lonely planet? What child prays for wings to fly far away from the only home she ever knew?

I was just scared.

But you smiled through your tears. You reached out your tiny hand to me, through darkness, coldness and desperation. You promised!

I was just lonely.

You had something so honest, so sweet and innocent in this loneliness of yours. Remember how hard you tried to understand? 

I was just naive.

You opened the windows, ready to face the darkness and you saw light. Your smile was the prettiest I ever saw. I had to keep you smiling. So I draw little stars on the frozen glass. You created a shelter around my little stars. A heart. Yours.

I was just desperate.

I touched your face, it was icy cold. I decided to stay with you, to create a cradle of light around you. I wanted you to know, to deeply feel that you’re never alone. I gave you the brightness and the sparkling stars in a lifetime of white nights.

I was just blind. What do you want from me now, after so many wasted years?

To keep your promises.

To open the windows and to face the moonlight.

To become fearless when your world is cold.

To dare to love. More every day. 

To have faith.

I will and I know. Who you are. I do remember now. Who I am…

He smiled and turned away, disappearing in the unseen face of the moon…

 

 

You know how flames can hypnotize…

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I will blame the full moon for my loss of reason, I will take no responsibility at all. I will assume that I’m too weak to resist, so I wont fight at all. I will let them win. Flames. Temptations. Attractions. Desires. They’ll lead me to the gates of hell and that’s exactly where I need to be.

“Do you want to dance?”

I do and I don’t. His blue eyes are filled with promises of lust and agony. But I can’t dance, I’m too busy running away from myself. I’m going deeper and further into this fire, but still, no one will see the burns. They’re hidden, secret scars, unspoken and unknown.

“Do you want to lay in my arms, here under the starry skies?”

With lazy, seductive gestures, he shows me his own paradise, convinced that, once I’ve seen it, I wont be able to say no. Sweet naivety, you are truly the fools blessing! I’m here searching for the gate to hell! Don’t ask me why am I going there, don’t!

“Or maybe you need someone to talk to…”

Or maybe not, since the effort of quieting the voices inside me left me breathless. I wont even try to be polite, I wont even pretend that I don’t know his true intentions. But he’s not, he’s fake…he doesn’t hold the keys, so I’ll simply walk away with my sarcastic smile.

“Or just a shoulder to cry on…”

Little does he know that my tears dried and my pain is a silent one. And even if he would know, why would he care? A meaningless expression of an impossible friendship. So much compassion and care here, on our way to destruction. Ironic, right? Where the forever flames burn high, there is no time, nor place for tears.

“Do you want to join us?”

Moment of truth. How should I play it? We’re at the gates of hell, surrounded by burning flames and deep temptations. Faith, honor, honesty and friendship mean nothing in here. Care and compassion, love and tolerance are simple words meant to bring us closer…

There’s only one way. With the sweetest smile and the gentlest voice, soft moves and a polite approach.

“Full moon brought me here and I was too weak to resist…”

“That’s good, we love your fragility.”

“Will you open the gates of hell for me? Just once? Please…”

“Why?”

“Because you know…flames always hypnotized me, just like your eyes. To dance in the flames, to let them burn the very last trace of light…I need you to open the gates for me…because maybe I’m just too weak…to do it myself.”

The yellowed eyes demon smiles. His arrogance is my advantage. He opens the gates of hell for me, at the right time…

…to grab her by her reaching arms and to pull her out. Out of the hell. 

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Sometimes it’s not enough…

To just stay in a safe place, on a green hill, surrounded by golden light.

Sometimes, a cry for help comes straight from hell. Addiction, abuse, depression, eating disorder, suicide attempts, obsession…Call it as you chose. I will call them hell.

And I will cross the bridge to get there. In the heart of their agonizing pain.

The deep burning scars I’m getting…I guess I’m just blessed…

God heals me every time.

 

May in the face of hate our love grow strong!

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“-I just need you to close your eyes for one second and to imagine…

A world without lies. Starting with the greatest lie of all. Free will. An illusion made to make you feel guilty when, in fact, you have no control at all. Don’t say a word, just imagine…

A world without punishments. No ten commands, nothing to cast a shadow on your joy. Yes, you heard it right. The joy of life. When was the last time you felt it? And where? Between two decades of your Rosary? Or maybe while imploring your God to save someone you love? Don’t answer, just imagine…

A world without worshiping. You are in the center of this world. The perfect you. You, who were meant to rule the Earth, but someone decided different. You could be just as strong, just as powerful, just as bright. Your one and only goddess. Yourself. Tell me now, how do you feel about it?”

I opened my eyes and saw his smile. Then I hugged him a little longer, a little tighter, a little warmer. He took my hands.

“-So, this means YES?”

“This means goodbye.”

And I turned away, knowing for sure that I’ve made the right choice. And the falling tears are just because my heart wandered in places it shouldn’t have. I can’t save the world, I can’t save him and sometimes I’m even unable to save myself.

“-Why?”

I could defend my faith in thousand words and it would still mean nothing to him. I could talk about God and light and love until forever and a day, and it would still not change his choices. I could…

“-Why are you crying if you’re in peace? Why are you walking away when we both know you want to stay? Why are you such a damn hypocrite!?”

He pulled me closer and I know he can see my tears. I’m gently touching his face and, for the first time, I see the wildness in his eyes. I wish I could say the words…

“I cry because I love the light in you and I’m seeing it fading away. It’s my fault, that’s how I feel. My faith was too weak or maybe my ego blinded me. It was so nice to be the center of your world, it was like an addiction and I took it too far. I lost you and I was close to losing myself. And I cry because…I was tempted. I was on the edge. Our friendship was supposed to save you and, instead, it leaded me to the abyss…”

But no words come out of my lips and my heart stays quiet.

“-I hate your God! Your Jesus! Your Rosary! Your church! Your faith!”

“It’s okay, I will love Him a little more. Because He loves YOU far more than I ever will.”

I whisper “Goodbye, Christian” as I close the door behind me. I hear him screaming in agony “I love you! I desperately love you!”.

And we both know it’s a lie…

 

 

 

Don’t let the darkness win!

777fc17b4c00e4c0ef1b818a1188fc0cI’m looking fascinated at his tattoos…I never saw them so closely. I’m tenderly touching his arm, the cross with a serpent surrounding it and some Latin words…And on his shoulder, covered by his shirt, there’s the black sun, every ray having a sort of incantation written on it. He seems amused by my interest…

-Well, aren’t you going to ask? Their stories…

-No…I’m just so happy that you went to the church and talked to my priest in the confessional…It was the most unexpected…Thank you! Thank you, Christian!

I’m hugging him again and again and he laughs.

-He’s a very sweet man, your priest. And confessing my sins brought a peace I was longing for. I’m ready to make a change, to start a new life and a different relationship with your…no, sorry…with God. And I need your help…

-Anything…

-You see…I’m a bit scared of needles…Why are you so amazed?

-Needles?

-Yes…to remove these…Okay, you can hug me again for encouragement!

He’s removing his tattoos! He’s removing his hate and resentment towards God…

-But…the scars…

-I’ll replace them with something…a surprise for you!

I can’t wait. The child in me jumps in joy. It’s spring in my heart!

-No, tell me now! Pleaseee…

-Okay…you…surprises breaker! I thought of replacing them with butterflies. A symbol of a new path, a new life. And also…it will remind me of you…so I’ll have you with me…always.

I could cry tears of joy now…I do…But I don’t want him to see…

-So please hurry with anything you have to do…the appointment is in an hour…

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I rush into the church, trying to find Father Anthony…

I can’t see him, but I hear his voice. He’s holding The Bible in his hands. He cries…his hands seem so weak, I’m afraid he’ll drop the book…He’s pale and trembling and, with one hand he presses on his heart…

Father Anthony…are you alright?

He didn’t noticed me…but he reads in a louder voice and I have this feeling…something is so wrong…

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

-Do you recognize the verses?

-Ephesians?

-Ephesians 6:12…May God protect you and have mercy on your soul, child!

I’m standing there silently. He rarely calls me “child”…only when…

-How can I help you?

-Oh, I was just passing by and I thought I could join the Rosary group…but I had a change of plans…I’m helping a friend…you know, he was before in the confessional and…

He looks at me with sadness.

-The lamb and the wolf cannot walk together. Your enemy cannot be your friend. See, we live times of great decisions. What path will you chose?

-I’m sorry, but…he said that confessing his sins brought him peace…and he wants to start a new life…You met him in the confessional!

My voice betrays the desperation inside me.

-It was not a confession! It was a declaration of war.

-You must be mistaken him…

He takes my hands into his old, weak hands.

-Open the eyes of your soul and see the truth. You’re like a sweet butterfly, flying to the light. Some lights are just darkness in disguise. Anyway, I need your help with the gifts for the orphans…

I don’t hear him anymore. A butterfly…they both said the same…and I…I need time…

-It’s only for the next hour…

Where will I go in the next hour? When my every road seem to take me to nowhere and lights can be just as deceiving as darkness.

So, here I am, sitting on the stairs of the old church, in my secret hiding place…

What path should I chose?

 

My soul is yearning for you…

The-BreakupI want to run to you with open arms and I want to cry like I never cried before. I need my tears to wash away this bitter fog that’s covering my senses. Because my eyes are blinder than ever and my ears can’t hear anymore the singing choir of angels…

I want to stop denying this fragility inside me and to break every fake smile into a thousand sharp pieces. To let them pierce this useless empty shell – my heart. Maybe inside of it I’ll find my inner light. Or not. But it wouldn’t matter, even darkness is brighter than my blurred visions…

I want to let it all go and to discover the fear of losing myself. If that’s what it takes, if that’s what I need, if my soul only awakens when being afraid. I need to be scared again because I don’t know how it feels to be loved. I’m not willing to learn…or am I?

With you as my guide. With you holding my world into your hands. Take me to the edge and show me the abyss, but stay with me till the end. I’ll gladly gave away an eternity of blue skies for a walk in the storm. With you.

I love you.

The piece of paper slipped from my trembling hands. I watched it flying away from the bridge to the black water below us. I saw it becoming one with the mud and I still couldn’t cry. I still wouldn’t grieve. I witness its disappearing in the dark waters and I blamed God. Me. You. Us. I blamed the blue skies, the withe pigeons, the smiling people around me. I blamed LIFE. And I hated it with despair.

You chose wrong. Why on heaven and earth would you chose to love another empty shell? Why in God’s name would you want to learn about love from a stoned heart? Why is it always too late…too dangerous…too complicated?

Why can’t you come back and tell it to my face? Every written word, every wasted heart beat? Why are you there and I am here, surrounded by Christmas’s lights, laughs and embraces? When I want none of them!

Come back into my dreams. Let me feel the pain of losing you again and again. Don’t stop, this pain will keep me alive. Because you died and I never had the chance to tell you…

I love you too.

In the loving memory of the love we aren’t given a chance to fight for. And for you, Gabriel.

I wonder where you are tonight…

DBl8EVwXUAIkIp4Remember my dream? The one I’ve told you about in a sunny morning, with a bright smile and starry eyes, reflecting the best that my heart had to offer. To you…

I was playing with a little angel. Feeling free, feeling careless and powerful, like a child. Being a child again, in my heart. Feeling innocent, pure, playful and sweet…

And the little angel took a ball of light and threw it to me. I catch it, I did…”Take it, it is yours!” And he laughed and spread his wings and left me there, on the green field, with my soul full of light. I played with the ball of light until my arms were tired. And I just knew…I held it tight, close to my heart until all the light became a part of me…

The ball had an incredible blue color. Blue like oceans. Green like the forests of the earth. Brown like the mountains and white like the purest snow. I was holing The Earth in my arms…

Remember how you said that I’m blessed with a power so beautiful in its fragility…And I said that the only power I ever wanted was the power to touch your heart. Your oceans-away-heart…

You told me that I’m the queen of your heart…

Where are you tonight, my king?

I’m trying so hart to imagine you happy, surrounded by a loving family, with someone holding your hand, talking sweet little things. I’m trying so hard to imagine you happy in love.

I try and I fail.

Remember how, so many times, the little girl in me found a refuge in you. Your kindness, your forgiveness, your love…my wings. The door to my heart was wide open and you said…

You said I’m your Garden of Eden. Your EVE. 

Why are we submitted to the same errors over and over again? Your Eve swore she’ll never get near the tree of knowledge. She felt the cold air of damnation and pulled you closer, holding so tight on your soul, suffocating you, asking more and more, demanding a prove, a sign…

Forgive me. It was out of love.

Remember the final part of my dream?

Before flying away, the little angel became suddenly serious: “It’s yours. Just be careful what you do with it…”

Here I am, living my time on Earth, the best way I can. There’s nothing to wait for, so I live every moment the way it is. Without your love. Sometimes I feel so lost, so sad and alone and I want you to know…

You were right. And you were loved.

More than my words could ever say…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That was when I ruled the world…

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Who would have known that perfection can be so devastating? 

I didn’t understood her words. Whispered words, like talking to herself. In my own world, the main rule was surviving. And that didn’t included analyzing someone’s perfect life. None of my business…

She laughed.

I’m being silly, right? But today was the happiest day of my life. I guess I’m allowed to play a little. Wanna see my happy smile?

I mumbled something. A sort of yes and no at the same time. I couldn’t care less for her happiest day. Good for her! Rule number two: if they’re happy, let them be.

She smiled with bright, glorious eyes.

It’s not like every day you’re winning a beauty pageant, right? Imagine a huge stage and, when they called my name, all eyes were on me! I never felt so…Hey, let me show you the crown!

I looked at her trying to show just a little enthusiasm. I couldn’t. Half-smile from half-heart. The rest of me was frozen. “You have inner beauty, that’s more important than being pretty.” That’s what my dad said when I asked him if I’m beautiful. I hated him. Rule number three: If you can’t say something nice, keep the silence. So, I’ll be silent…

She sighted.

I felt like I’m in top of the world! You know the feeling? Have you ever felt like you rule the world? 

I excused myself, saying that I’m in such a hurry…In fact, I never knew the feeling. I was always like a falling leaf, carried by a wicked wind…Rule number four: Don’t speak about what you don’t know!

She wiped away an imaginary tear.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t feel so tired. I was there, on the stage and I had this crazy sensation like I need air. Like something was suffocating me, but it was…from inside of me. And I felt like crying and people believed they’re tears of joy…

Yeah, probably…(Rule number five: be polite but don’t be nosy. Stay away if it’s none of your business.)

…and they started to applaud. And I felt…lost. What could it be? Am I catching a cold? Oops…the elevator is here! Gotta fly like a pretty butterfly to the seventh floor! See you upstairs…hey, do you know you have amazing eyes? You could be a beauty queen yourself! 

She ran away so fast that I couldn’t say thank you. She said I have amazing eyes! And she said I could be a beauty queen! And I knew, right then, right there…The feeling. This is how it feels when you rule the world. A fifteen years old world!

A few hours later I was writing in the diary. The daily post. Entitled “I had the feeling that I’m ruling the world!”. I was just writing an inspirational ending when I heard a knock on my closed door.

With trembling hands, all pale and crying, my mother asked me to “don’t look down”

“down?”

“down the balcony…they found her…what’s left of her anyway.”

“her?”

“you know her…the girl from the seventh floor…it looks like she jumped.”

“jumped?”

“just…please don’t look down. It’s a terrible sight…I can’t understand…she just won another beauty pageant…”

“beauty?”

“oh, you’re in shock…actually, is not that shocking…she tried before, with pills, but her mother said it’s just…teenage moods…it seems that she was depressed…”

“depressed?”

“please stop repeating the words. Yes, she was diagnosed with depression…but a very tricky form, because she was always happy and smiling and laughing around here…okay, go back to your home works or whatever were you doing…”

Rule number…

No. The Absolute Rule, cancelling all the rules ever made up by human minds:

Listen to the desperate call of the lost butterflies. Love them. Don’t let them walk alone when they’re so close to the edge. Love them again. Say it a thousand times and say it out loud. 

So they would ask for help before it’s too late…

 

What kind of demon are you?

The pain irradiated in my left arm, leaving me breathless. The lack of air and the sudden weakness awoke an old panic inside me (I’m…I think…I’m having…a…panic attack…)

“Or maybe a heart attack. Or maybe you’re just dying.”

His tone shows no compassion, no mercy, no love. It harms me more than anything I ever experienced. I feel like crying, but I swear…I will never cry in front of him! So I close my eyes and surrender to pain…

I’m wearing a laced black mask. I can’t see myself and the black veil on my eyes makes everything so dark…Where am I? I crossed the bridge…but the place looks so different from what I remember. This is where we used to lay on the fresh green grass, looking at the clear blue sky, hand in hand, making promises to each other. Promises that never came true…Me and my love. The Shadow.

Is all dark and cold and I miss him…The black mask is covering my face. Suspicious eyes around me and steps getting closer. Fires burning around us. I’m one of them…Someone takes my hand and…I want to tell him that I’m lost. I came here looking for someone I loved. And I’m surrounded by…

-Demons. You’re not lost.

Can you read my mind?

-No. I just feel your fears. May I?

He wants to take off my mask. NO. (No fears. Show courage. Don’t let him see inside.)

-I will take off my mask when I decide! Not a second before.

He smiles.

-What kind of demon are you?

-A very powerful one, believe me! (Yes, believe it. Believe every lie. I will get out of here!)

He touches my hair with soft gestures. Kindness. He’s gently leaning on me. The touch of his cold lips on my neck makes my knees tremble. Is it fear? Is it lust? He’s deceiving me with his tenderness…and I…

-Why don’t you take off your mask so I could kiss those beautiful eyes of yours? You are safe with me…

-What is your name?

He laughs and the fire burns higher and closer.

-What a silly question…now, if I tell you my name…wouldn’t you throw me to the fire? Say “I promise”.

I promise.

-Maybe…if you say pretty please…

Look, demon! I’ll never ever beg you for anything! Not if my life would depend…

The fire in his eyes burns me inside and my heart is nothing but a flame. It hurts and I…

-Please…I…

-That sounded great. Now say that you’re mine!

The black laced mask is suffocating me. I choke and I gasp for air and my lips…they’re burning with…desire? To be his…The words will damn my soul and everything that’s still pure in me fights against it.

-I’m…

-Say it!

There’s only one way. The peace of letting go. No more fighting…

-I’m NOT a demon. Here, take off this stupid mask, I have no power, I need no power. Look into my eyes. See? See the bright light? Is called Love. Go ahead, take it. Take this lost heart and burn it to the ground…I will survive the pain.

Blue skies above us…he puts little white flowers in my hair…”My Love, I’m holding on to our promise…till the end of days.”

“Or maybe a heart attack. Or maybe you’re just dying.”

I open my eyes. There’s no anger, no resentment in my voice. Neither in my heart.

-Well, I’m afraid I can’t humor you on that one. Not today, anyway.

“I didn’t meant…I was joking…I don’t want you to…it was only…stupid words…”

Stupid words. Creating hell inside our hearts. What saved me? A love they call “sinful” and “forbidden” is still the purest part of me. A courage they call “crazy” and “delusional” made me take off my mask. So, what shall I pray for?

Dear God, when my broken heart sinks to the deepest of hell, please remind me who I really am.