That was when I ruled the world…

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Who would have known that perfection can be so devastating? 

I didn’t understood her words. Whispered words, like talking to herself. In my own world, the main rule was surviving. And that didn’t included analyzing someone’s perfect life. None of my business…

She laughed.

I’m being silly, right? But today was the happiest day of my life. I guess I’m allowed to play a little. Wanna see my happy smile?

I mumbled something. A sort of yes and no at the same time. I couldn’t care less for her happiest day. Good for her! Rule number two: if they’re happy, let them be.

She smiled with bright, glorious eyes.

It’s not like every day you’re winning a beauty pageant, right? Imagine a huge stage and, when they called my name, all eyes were on me! I never felt so…Hey, let me show you the crown!

I looked at her trying to show just a little enthusiasm. I couldn’t. Half-smile from half-heart. The rest of me was frozen. “You have inner beauty, that’s more important than being pretty.” That’s what my dad said when I asked him if I’m beautiful. I hated him. Rule number three: If you can’t say something nice, keep the silence. So, I’ll be silent…

She sighted.

I felt like I’m in top of the world! You know the feeling? Have you ever felt like you rule the world? 

I excused myself, saying that I’m in such a hurry…In fact, I never knew the feeling. I was always like a falling leaf, carried by a wicked wind…Rule number four: Don’t speak about what you don’t know!

She wiped away an imaginary tear.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t feel so tired. I was there, on the stage and I had this crazy sensation like I need air. Like something was suffocating me, but it was…from inside of me. And I felt like crying and people believed they’re tears of joy…

Yeah, probably…(Rule number five: be polite but don’t be nosy. Stay away if it’s none of your business.)

…and they started to applaud. And I felt…lost. What could it be? Am I catching a cold? Oops…the elevator is here! Gotta fly like a pretty butterfly to the seventh floor! See you upstairs…hey, do you know you have amazing eyes? You could be a beauty queen yourself! 

She ran away so fast that I couldn’t say thank you. She said I have amazing eyes! And she said I could be a beauty queen! And I knew, right then, right there…The feeling. This is how it feels when you rule the world. A fifteen years old world!

A few hours later I was writing in the diary. The daily post. Entitled “I had the feeling that I’m ruling the world!”. I was just writing an inspirational ending when I heard a knock on my closed door.

With trembling hands, all pale and crying, my mother asked me to “don’t look down”

“down?”

“down the balcony…they found her…what’s left of her anyway.”

“her?”

“you know her…the girl from the seventh floor…it looks like she jumped.”

“jumped?”

“just…please don’t look down. It’s a terrible sight…I can’t understand…she just won another beauty pageant…”

“beauty?”

“oh, you’re in shock…actually, is not that shocking…she tried before, with pills, but her mother said it’s just…teenage moods…it seems that she was depressed…”

“depressed?”

“please stop repeating the words. Yes, she was diagnosed with depression…but a very tricky form, because she was always happy and smiling and laughing around here…okay, go back to your home works or whatever were you doing…”

Rule number…

No. The Absolute Rule, cancelling all the rules ever made up by human minds:

Listen to the desperate call of the lost butterflies. Love them. Don’t let them walk alone when they’re so close to the edge. Love them again. Say it a thousand times and say it out loud. 

So they would ask for help before it’s too late…

 

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What kind of demon are you?

The pain irradiated in my left arm, leaving me breathless. The lack of air and the sudden weakness awoke an old panic inside me (I’m…I think…I’m having…a…panic attack…)

“Or maybe a heart attack. Or maybe you’re just dying.”

His tone shows no compassion, no mercy, no love. It harms me more than anything I ever experienced. I feel like crying, but I swear…I will never cry in front of him! So I close my eyes and surrender to pain…

I’m wearing a laced black mask. I can’t see myself and the black veil on my eyes makes everything so dark…Where am I? I crossed the bridge…but the place looks so different from what I remember. This is where we used to lay on the fresh green grass, looking at the clear blue sky, hand in hand, making promises to each other. Promises that never came true…Me and my love. The Shadow.

Is all dark and cold and I miss him…The black mask is covering my face. Suspicious eyes around me and steps getting closer. Fires burning around us. I’m one of them…Someone takes my hand and…I want to tell him that I’m lost. I came here looking for someone I loved. And I’m surrounded by…

-Demons. You’re not lost.

Can you read my mind?

-No. I just feel your fears. May I?

He wants to take off my mask. NO. (No fears. Show courage. Don’t let him see inside.)

-I will take off my mask when I decide! Not a second before.

He smiles.

-What kind of demon are you?

-A very powerful one, believe me! (Yes, believe it. Believe every lie. I will get out of here!)

He touches my hair with soft gestures. Kindness. He’s gently leaning on me. The touch of his cold lips on my neck makes my knees tremble. Is it fear? Is it lust? He’s deceiving me with his tenderness…and I…

-Why don’t you take off your mask so I could kiss those beautiful eyes of yours? You are safe with me…

-What is your name?

He laughs and the fire burns higher and closer.

-What a silly question…now, if I tell you my name…wouldn’t you throw me to the fire? Say “I promise”.

I promise.

-Maybe…if you say pretty please…

Look, demon! I’ll never ever beg you for anything! Not if my life would depend…

The fire in his eyes burns me inside and my heart is nothing but a flame. It hurts and I…

-Please…I…

-That sounded great. Now say that you’re mine!

The black laced mask is suffocating me. I choke and I gasp for air and my lips…they’re burning with…desire? To be his…The words will damn my soul and everything that’s still pure in me fights against it.

-I’m…

-Say it!

There’s only one way. The peace of letting go. No more fighting…

-I’m NOT a demon. Here, take off this stupid mask, I have no power, I need no power. Look into my eyes. See? See the bright light? Is called Love. Go ahead, take it. Take this lost heart and burn it to the ground…I will survive the pain.

Blue skies above us…he puts little white flowers in my hair…”My Love, I’m holding on to our promise…till the end of days.”

“Or maybe a heart attack. Or maybe you’re just dying.”

I open my eyes. There’s no anger, no resentment in my voice. Neither in my heart.

-Well, I’m afraid I can’t humor you on that one. Not today, anyway.

“I didn’t meant…I was joking…I don’t want you to…it was only…stupid words…”

Stupid words. Creating hell inside our hearts. What saved me? A love they call “sinful” and “forbidden” is still the purest part of me. A courage they call “crazy” and “delusional” made me take off my mask. So, what shall I pray for?

Dear God, when my broken heart sinks to the deepest of hell, please remind me who I really am. 

 

 

 

 

 

When you have no light to guide you…

I’m ignoring them. The voices in my head, the prejudices, the rigid rules, the “should be” and “shouldn’t be” and I run to him. With an open heart. I need to stop this torment in my heart, this continue search and calling. Even if it means that I’m going to break some boundaries.

Hi, remember me? The impolite one? The one who pretended that she doesn’t know you. I want to apologize. And to invite you to a coffee.

I’m all blushed and agitated and he looks at me slightly amused. I’m lost in his eyes once again. Dark circles around them…He hides a soft toy and I pretend I didn’t noticed.

“Hi…you have nothing to apologize for. I was awkward. And you, so sweet and kind, you…don’t ever call yourself impolite. Not because of me, okay? Now, you were saying something about a coffee?”

I want to make him smile…I need to know what’s this sadness in his eyes and replace it with brightness. He’s quiet and he stars again at my little crucifix.

Do you like it? I can give it to you, I have more than enough at home. I got them from a medieval church and…

“Please don’t.”

He said it so abruptly leaving me no place to ask or to comment. There’s a shadow upon my heart and I feel cold. I feel the need to hide away the little crucifix. To run away…

“I scared you…I didn’t meant to sound so…harsh. I guess I forgot how to act around…women. Well, that sounded awkward as hell…”

Christian…can I ask you something?

He nods.

Can I hold your hand? 

I’m being stupid. My heart jumps out of my chest and my fingers are trembling. He smiles at me, and he takes my hand into his palms.

“I…from all people…I’m the last you should spend time with. I’m not a good influence, I can’t bring anything good in your life. I only destroy. What I touch dies and my love is a cursed one.”

I feel the crucifix burning my skin. (Run. Run now.)

I know…I’m here just to hold your hand. We’re strangers but somehow I trust you and your smile makes me happy…somehow…”

“You trust me?”

Yes.

“Show me.”

How?

“Follow me to the end of the world.”

And, just like that, he stands, takes my hand and we’re going…I don’t know where.

(Run away. Run now. You don’t know him. He could be a criminal.)

He suggested to take his car and I froze. I actually said nothing, but I must have looked so terrified…”Okay…no car then…but is freezing cold…” I’m trembling. He puts his arm around my shoulders and asks me if I’m alright. And I…(Run!)

I’m alright…

“I swear I’m not a serial killer…sweet girl”

He called me “sweet girl” and, along with his playful smile…it melts my heart.

“Okay, we’re almost there.”

Where?

“To the end of the world.”

I see a cemetery and I panic. The place is pretty isolated and, as we’re walking right in, I just wish…I wish I’d be home, with my family…I look at him and I see…

Tears…

“I have no right…to drag you…into this…I’ll take you home.”

NO.

“No?”

You said…to the end of the world. 

(Ask him to take you home now! You’re insane! Stupid! You deserve whatever…!)

We stop at a small grave. A small pink grave where he’s gently placing the soft toy. He’s caressing the small cross whispering something through tears.

So many pink toys, flowers, messages…And two bright eyes watching me from a picture. A little girl. His. And I stop breathing. My heart hurts like never before. I want to say something, anything and I can’t.

“This is the end of my world.”

I’m crying and he takes me in his arms.

“Thank you for being here. Thank you for trusting me. I’ll take you home now…I’m not good…for you…I have no light in my life…nothing…only darkness. Can you see it now?”

I touch his face, wiping away his tears.

I’m here for you. And if you feel you have no light…just take my hand. Follow me back to life…would you? Let me be your light…

 

I want to stand with you on a mountain!

His touch felt like butterflies on my arm and I couldn’t stop smiling. He noticed, of course he did and, for a moment, that deep sadness, that endless solitude I saw in his eyes, seemed to melt.

“Hi. You probably don’t remember me.”

Oh, not only that I remember him, but I prayed to God to see him again. One more time. And now I wish I could hug him tight. A perfect stranger…I have no logical explanation and it’s completely out of my control, but he makes me happy simply by being near me. No need for more…

“I’m the one…with the book…and I think I scared you last time. I thought…there’s a coffee shop and it’s still early…you probably didn’t had coffee yet…and…I’m talking way too much…”

I’m looking down…my heart is saying yes. My heart is shouting YES. But…

“No, not like that…I saw…the wedding ring…and I would never…it’s just coffee. I know you belong to another…”

I don’t belong to him. 

“Of course you don’t…I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me around you. I say stupid things and I act like I would be on medication…or something…I’m sorry…I’ll just go…”

And, just like that, my heart wins. I’m taking his hand in mine, looking deep in his eyes.

I guess we both need some coffee.

I can actually see the excitement in his eyes. Then sadness again…I need to go beyond this sadness. I need to see inside…to climb this protective wall…

Why are you so sad? Even when you smile…

“Please…can I hold your hand?”

I give him my hand unhesitatingly and anyone who would see us now, would think that…But it doesn’t matter, what I feel for him is so innocent, so pure…

“You gave me faith last time. I’m such a mess…I cry at nights…and I was always strong. I don’t know why I tell you this…”

What happen to you? I want to help you, with anything you need. 

He looks down and I notice his old shoes and the same shirt washed over and over again until the colors are all pale…

I…if you need money…I can…

He pulls away his hand almost instantly and I feel so bad. There’s a fire in his eyes…dignity…pride?

“I do not need your money! Your money can’t buy life, do they? Can they buy time? Can they erase this death sentence?”

He shows me a piece of paper, but I can’t see because of my tears.

I’m sorry.

I’m running out crying and I know people are noticing. I probably lost my mind simply for being here, with a perfect stranger. A stranger I seem to…love? Did I really said that?

“I’m sorry. Please stay…I had no right…You said about having faith in each other…and I have faith in you…please…”

I wish I could help you, but I can’t. See…I’m not really a warrior. I cry at nights too. And I lost too many friends. My life is filled with ghosts and shadows. I can’t stand losing someone I love. Not again…

He seems lost, almost scared. But he looks straight into my eyes and he smiles.

“I would climb a mountain with you and I would fight death for you…Just to be that someone you love…”

You are.

His touch on my arm feels like butterflies.

“Hi. You probably don’t remember me.”

I look down…my vision before was too intense, too real.

No, I’m sorry…you’re probably mistaken me with someone else. 

“Oh…it’s alright…I thought…here…for you…you were nice and I thought…”

He gives me a piece of paper and disappears in the crowd. A portrait. Mine. With big eyes, filled with tears. And a mountain behind.

 

 

Ravens calling my name…

I must have slipped on the yellowed leafs because the last thing I remember is the dark color of the sky and their black wings. Ravens…I used to watch them for hours as a child. They never scared me and, sometimes, when their round eyes met me, I imagined talking to them…

The street is empty, but I hear her crying.

“Leave me alone! I’m not coming with you! Leave me alone!”

So I rush there to help her, ignoring the pulsating pain on my left knee. It’s cold outside and she’s wearing a very thin white shirt. I’m thinking of the worst case scenario so I’m searching for my cell to get the help she needs so desperately.

“Is he gone? Can I open my eyes?”

As much as I try, I can’t see a single person on the street. She’s fighting an invisible enemy and I can’t reach to her. Lost in her world, trapped in a nightmare. I remember the protocol so I approach her with calm and gentleness.

“Where am I? Why is it so dark? Help me, he’s coming after me! He’s here and I can’t fight…I can’t fight no more. God have mercy on my soul!”

I’m taking off my coat and I try to cover her trembling body. She’s hurt and I can’t find my cell. I can’t see anyone and she’s not seeing me. She’s not hearing me. Where is everyone? Was I alone when I slipped on the leafs?

“I’m going with him. Ravens have spoken my name. Please help me, I don’t want to go…”

I’m all alone, trembling in the dark. It’s cold outside and everything hurts. I couldn’t fight …I didn’t saw him, but I felt his presence like a shivering frozen wind. It rocked my heart and I couldn’t say the right words.

I remember…I used to watch them for hours. Until that day when they asked me to follow them into the dark. They called my name and they marked my soul. And I knew they’re waiting patiently for the day when I’ll slip on the yellowed leafs.

They never see us reaching out for them. They never hear us calling them desperately to come back. They don’t seem to care enough for us, the “normal” ones when we give them solutions. They cry, they scream, they suffer. They make us angry because they never listen!

They write short letters asking for our forgiveness. We read and we know…it’s too late. Ravens have spoken and they followed the path to nowhere. 

To the ones trying to reach out…

To the ones trying to ignore the calling of the dark ravens…

To the ones on the verge of writing the forgiveness letters and to the ones who cry themselves at nights, praying they will never read a goodbye note…

Depression is not a modern term for laziness. It’s not an excuse. It’s not a lack of will power or a way to get more attention.

But, also, is NOT a death sentence. 

Seek for help before the ravens will speak their truths. 

 

 

 

 

 

This wont hurt, I swear…

“She has the saddest blue eyes I’ve ever seen…but I’ve seen them before and I don’t know where…”

My thoughts were interrupted by the harsh sound of a slammed door. The smell of disinfectant solution filled the air. The nurse leaned over me (“she refuses to press charges…next time he’ll kill her…”) and her whispered words brought shivers down my spine. The girl in front of me was too young to die…

She looked at me with her piercing blue eyes and I suddenly remembered…

june 2003

My first interview for the job of my dreams. I’m wearing my short white dress…Decent, yet sweet, almost covering my knees, creating a nice illusion that my legs are longer than they actually are (I read this on the Internet!). First time on heels because I need to look smart and sexy, young and enthusiast, but very sure of myself and in control of my own emotions (this I read it too on that amazing site!).

How…what…I was walking and now…

I don’t remember falling, but the pain is real. I hear a child crying…my God! Is the child alright? I feel something warm and wet on my left leg and I’m afraid to open my eyes…

I’m dreaming…I will wake up and I’ll get ready for this interview…I will get the job…

The first color I see when I open my eyes is red. And I cry. Someone’s touching my hair, caressing it, wiping away my tears and it feels so safe. Then the pain, again…

“These heels should be forbidden. You’re very lucky, the cut on the leg is not deep and I was able to stop the bleeding.” I open my eyes to the gentle sound of his voice. An angel?

“Hi”

He smiles at me.

“Hey, angels aren’t supposed to wear such high heels. And where were you rushing like that?”

He called me “an angel” and he’s holding my hand. He tells me that he’s a doctor and I’m lucky he was walking on that part of the town. His little girl wanted ice cream and they saw me…

“Now, look into my eyes. I need to disinfect the wound and you need to stay very calm. This wont hurt at all, I swear.”

He lied. The burning sensation is so intense…He’s asking me where was I going (to distract me from the pain) and, through tears, I tell him about the job of my dreams, about how my parents tried to stop me, how they’re always controlling my life…I’m sure I’m being ridiculous, but he pretends to be interested.

“I actually think that control is a good thing for someone so delicate like yourself. You’re very young and inexperienced, so it’s normal to rebel. In time, with the proper guidance…”

I pull away. (“You lied. It hurts terribly and I missed my interview. I’m sorry I took your time…”)

He laughs.

“It was my pleasure to help you. I want to see you again. Tomorrow. You can have a coffee while I’m checking your leg.”

I still hear a child crying. A little girl with the saddest blue eyes and a red trace on her cheek. And I remember…I remember her laughing when I fell. I remember the sound of his hand slapping the face of that little girl. I remember her crying in pain and the words he said…

And I run away. I run from my guilt, I run from this man, I run from her sad blue eyes.

The young girl in front of me has the saddest blue eyes I ever saw. And her bruises and cuts can’t hide her beauty.  I gently touch her hand and she pulls away.

“I don’t want to press charges…I love him and, in his way, he loves me too.”

“I believe he does…but his way of loving you it’s hurting you, it’s causing you pain. It’s killing you. Love comes in many ways, in many forms…what kind of love are you dreaming of?”

“I just…I just want this pain to stop. Will it always hurt like this?”

“No…time heals…the pain gets smaller till it wont hurt at all. As long as you’re alive, as long as we fight together to find the real you. The strong and beautiful woman who deserves tenderness and respect.”

I lied. Time never truly heals…It just makes us stronger. And braver. To go beyond the pain, the hurt, the brokenness inside.

To find a love that never hurts, never breaks, never kills.

 

So you can sharpen your knife…

He saw me watching…

And he knew right away that the image he tried so hard to create is falling into pieces. The fear in his heart, I could almost sense it…

No…I’m not a predator and he’s not my prey, even if…

Hello…Good afternoon…uhmmm…I was just…

I’m sorry that he’s scared, I’m not used to…It’s not a good feeling when you look into someone’s eyes and you see there…guilt, fear…shame?

-I wanted to say…I’m sorry. I’m very sorry for everything I said about your religion…I’m sorry for putting you in that horrible situation. I know you felt accused. I was wrong and, please, accept my apologies…

He speaks so fast, he’s running out of air. He’s chocking, his face is getting a purple color and his eyes are blurry. His life…he’s fighting for his life. Right there, in front of me. And if I don’t stop this, he’ll loose…

So I take his hands into mines.

-It’s alright. If I ever felt any kind of anger towards you…well, it was a burden much too heavy…so I let it go and replace it with forgiveness…

-So, you wont…

-I’ll tell you what I saw. A good man, in a moment of weakness. A man searching for love in the wrong place. A man who’s dying to save himself from…you’re the only one who can answer to this.

He’s trembling and the purple on his face was replaced by a pale shadow.

-I will confess it…I will go in front of them and I will…I just need time. I will go home now to prepare…

He wont. He wont make it back home, I can see it in his eyes. I have to fight this battle…

-We all make mistakes. I’m not perfect, you know? A few months ago, I almost ran away with a stranger, leaving everything behind. I’m still unable to forgive myself. I’m still falling…I still…

I’m fighting my own tears and I wish he would hug me now. Not him…anyone…But he takes a step behind.

-So you cheated your husband…that’s really serious and you know, it speaks tones about your relationship with God. Because it’s not a moment of weakness, what you did was planned and deliberated. And a fake christian is worse than a non-believer. I’m sickened by you…

He seems victorious even if he jumped to the wrong conclusions. It will help him sleep well tonight. It will allow him to look in the mirror in the morning. It will keep him alive.

I turn my back to him. For ever…

-Don’t…forgive me for what I just said. You’re welcomed in our community if you ever decide to repent and to…

And I simply leave. I will be the subject of his Sunday sermon. My smile is bitter, my heart feels heavy. He’ll survive, but what about his soul?

How many sharpened knives will tear apart our fragile consciousness?

Will you love me ’till the end?

Here we are again, laying on the green, fresh grass, our fingers crossed, our eyes gazed at the blue skies above us. I’m smiling to the fluffy clouds and the sun, the moon with all the stars are smiling back at me…

-I never gave up on you, I kept my promise to wait and I kept you and our love untouched…

I turn to him and I read it in his eyes…He’s honest. He needs to say these words and all I want from him is to keep this beautiful silence. I’m guilty and my guilt has no music, no sound, no rhythm.

-We are meant to be and, no matter how hard you try to deny it, what’s meant to be, will come true in the end. You are my mate, my one and only, from all the human beings ever born into this world. My eternity will be with you.

He drew this perfect picture for me unaware of the fact that I’m not staying. His world will never be my world. It’s a question of faith, a question of destiny. But it feels so peaceful, so safe to just lay here with him and I just wish to hear the passing of the fluffy clouds…

-You come to me when the world you call “real” is tiring your soul. You come here broken, full of painful memories. You run to me every time he pushes you away. But, beloved,…you call me “shadow” when you’re my only reality. And I need you, I can’t breath without you, I wont live without you.

I do it, yes…where else would I go? It’s cold outside, it’s dark and it’s lonely. I didn’t break any promise either, I just crossed a very thin line. He talk about love but…what does he know? Love left me broken, with scars and insecurities. Love blinded and wounded me. No more…

-I pray for the truth to be revealed. For you to look back and to decide where you truly belong. For him to wake up one day without finding you there, in his bed. For us…to embrace, to welcome the end together. My faith guided you to me, back to me. Please, don’t let your faith drive you away…

“I have to go” I whisper and he knows I’m leaving him again. For as long as God allows me to stay strong. Without falling apart…I will come back, I promise we’ll face the end together. The end of Love…

Because there, where he belongs, there’s no light in the darkness. And shadows are dancing on the rhythm of their lost love.

He wants this dance and he dreams of endless nights of passion. He loves me because I’m his only reality. He needs me to be fragile, he needs me to depend on him. I do…from time to time…

“Will you love me ’till the end?”

“The end is so far away, honey, it’s hard to…What’s that? I swear I just saw a shadow near you. And now it’s gone…weird…Anyway, what were you saying?”

“Nothing, really…Nothing.”

 

 

Lay beside me, tell me what they’ve done…

She’s never smiling in my dreams. Never in peace, never joyful, never serene. And her eyes are deeper than I remember, with a silent pain inside their green. We look so much alike. Only that I’m here and she’s an angel. But…aren’t angels supposed to be happy?

I dreamed of her again and, this time, she was wearing a wedding dress and white flowers on her forehead. She spoke no word, just looked at me with so much sadness. And we just stood there, separated by a thin line…

I miss you. I see it now, I see the resemblance. It’s beyond the physical traits. And I am sorry I did not see it before…

The perfect romantic, searching for a prince on a white horse. That’s how my parents described her at first. She found him and she ran away…and the description became darker, meaner…

“Don’t you ever say this again! What’s there to admire? Do you want to be like her? A slut? She should be ashamed!”

She was. Ashamed for being abandoned by the one she loved. Ashamed for not fitting in such a rigidly moral family. Ashamed for not knowing more, for not being more.

I am ashamed now. I listened to their words instead of my inner voice. I thought I’m better…but I was only lonelier and sadder than you’ll ever be.

“What friendship? Do you really think she cares for you? She cares only for herself.”

But she did cared…enough to tell me that there’s a new life waiting for me. There, beside her, with her helping me through every new step. She cared. And I ignored her, smiling and saying a polite thank you.

I know you saw me struggling. What a sweet generosity, your open arms! What a beautiful way of telling me that love still exists…

I rarely dream of her and, even if I do, the dream is always the same. I never hear the words meant to set me free. Will I ever be forgiven?

Lay beside me, just one more time. We look like sisters, can you see? I was blinded by their hate. They said I’m better. They asked me to criticize and to judge you. They took the warmth in my heart and replaced it with a cold, dark superiority. That’s what they’ve done. That’s what I’ve done.

Forgive me. 

In the memory of my beloved friend, Iddy, gone too soon, two years ago.

 

I’m burning down my shadows…

You saw yourself through my eyes and you loved it…that image of a strong, loving, bright, handsome man. You saw the hero in you…and you wanted more with every moment…

I was always afraid, you know? Afraid that I’ll say the wrong things, afraid that I’m not good enough. I was wrong. It wasn’t about me, not a single moment. It was all about the fragility of our love. A castle build on quicksand…

And you were honest from the very beginning. “I need to be needed.” I ignored your words, just like I ignored everything that didn’t fit on my perfect picture of the perfect love…

A hopeless love. Falling in and falling out our own fantasies. I needed you, just like you wanted…But our precious moments faded into banality and the fantasy was broken. And it broke my heart along with it.

Please remember our last moment. Please…don’t ever forget what tore us apart. I need you to remember while I need to forget. The touch of your cold hand and your eyes…hungrily searching deep into my soul…and you found…nothing.

“Where once was love, now is just an empty place. And I don’t know what to do. Please, help me…” -my words-

(love me…

hold me…

tell me that you really care…

want me…

fight for us!)

But you just looked away.

And I gave up on us.

“WOW. No faith. Absolutely no faith at all.” -your words-

And these words exactly killed the remains of our broken fantasy. Along with my heart. You know…you had every right to blame me. I took away my love. I asked for more when you thought you gave me all of you (you were wrong). I wanted to be about us…more than about you. You had every right to blame me…

But…you had NO RIGHT to talk about faith. Something so precious…on your lips it sounded like a blasphemy. And I blame you for that.

So I took my murdered love along with the faith you claimed you never witnessed in me.

I raised my head and I walked in dignity.

And you desperately followed me. You turned my head so you would look into my eyes for one last time. And you thought (how naive) you’ll see The hero. The savior. The powerful. The wise, strong, handsome and bright.

Oh no…not this time.

This time we’ll face reality, my love. Look. Come on, I dare you. Look deep. See who you are. Face the truth,

my beloved Shadow.

P.S. You’ll never read this letter and I couldn’t care less. I’m burning these memories and I’m facing the light. Be well and be careful…another shadow may need you to need it…