Something in return: my gift for YOU

Dear friends,

It was an honor to meet so many amazing people. Your messages gave me so much courage and strength and there are no words to express this feeling of gratitude towards you. Your comments, your kindness, your empathy and your presence here were my light in the darkness. It’s because of you all that I re-defined my faith as something beyond any church, any ritual or human rule. As something personal, so intimate and precious.

This is the gift that YOU gave to me.

As some of you may have noticed, my posts became more rare lately and I focused more on the “artistic” side of this blog, through poetry or short metaphor-stories. As much as I love expressing myself in an artistic way, this is NOT what this blog was meant to be.

Something, somehow, got lost on the way and I owe to you and to myself to bring it back. If I cannot write with honesty, if I cannot express my emotions in an authentic way, if I keep hiding behind poetry and metaphors, then…

…then I wont write at all.

I want to give you something in return. A story. My truth.

I could call it “a novel”, but you would know it’s about me. The main character is not wearing my name, so I could pretend it’s all a “made-up story”, but you would recognize me in her words. I will not lie. My gift for you is the truth.

And the link to my new blog, a project I believe in with all my heart, because it grows as I grow emotionally. May it bring healing to you and to me. May it sweeten the loneliness inside us.

Here it is, my gift for you: https://thesweetborderline.wordpress.com/

And a snippet from my first blog post:

“…that’s how I asked with tears of hope in my eyes. Because, once I lost the feeling of normality, it also lost myself. And it became my greatest dream, something he gently corrects every time I even approach the subject. I know he’s trying to protect me from…myself. That’s what therapists do, isn’t it?

“You can be in control.”

In control of this rage inside, always self-orientated, always self-harming…

In control of this fear of being abandoned, irrational feeling that’s destroying everything I try to build…

In control of this tornado of emotions that overwhelms me, leaving me empty inside…

So I’m learning to be in control…” (“Isabella – finding the hero inside”)

I warmly invite you to read it, to read my about page and, if you find it interesting, to follow my new project. But, anything you’d choose to do, please proceed with discretion and gentleness.

After all, you are stepping inside a wide open heart…

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Invisible

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So, was it when I chose to hide away my tears?

I wonder if you knew about my longest night,

When darkness almost overcame the light!

To know about my bravest fight…

Would you be proud of me?

Just tell me honestly!

Or was it when I silenced all my fears?

 

So, was it when I gave myself to you?

There was no shame or anger in my brightful eyes,

You never looked behind…to see how high it flies

My heart, filled with your lies…

How could you set it free?

Just tell me honestly!

Or was it when I said “I love you too…” ?

 

So, was it when I let you lead this dance?

We said our vows, you promised me you’ll stay

Through storms and calm, through night and day,

In times when I no longer pray…

Would you believe in me?

Just tell me honestly!

Or, was it when I gave a second chance?

 

It’s not of curiosity that I keep breaking through

This silence only hurts like hell!

The walls get closer, I can tell…

Is life a carousel?!

So, was it when I loved you more than life?

Or was it when your love became a knife

That cut and hurt and killed the “me and you”?

 

Your eyes that pierced my soul, now look away…

It was supposed to last for ever and a day…

“I love you more”…that’s how you used to say…

Through storms and hell…we would have been okay

As long as love would guide our twisted way…

Don’t cry…it’s not that terrible

My question stands, unbearable!

Time wont return, life’s not repairable!

When was that I became invisible?

 

 

I found the image at: https://aminoapps.com/c/emosescritores/page/blog/amigos-invisiveis/g8wN_vEf6uVdJqWV3X4mKLRNMqW3oqjjbb

 

 

 

 

 

The good one

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What keeps us in the darkness, when all our hopes are gone?

Why can’t we find the colors of life in this grey zone?

Where are you when I need you…if I am so alone?

And how can Love survive into a heart of stone?

 

She cried a thousand rivers, while looking at the sky,

Were white and sweet and gentle, just like a lullaby

The arms that held her tightly before they said goodbye…

She angrily decided that faith was meant to die!

 

She signed in blood and anguish, her soul to give away

A pact so clear and simple, just like a childish play…

He was supposed to love her for ever and a day!

Oh, crazy heart, why did you…become such easy prey?

 

Indeed, he came to love her, because he missed her light…

He kissed the eyes that carry the darkness of the night,

And promised to revive that Love that seemed so bright!

In tears of blood he promised…for her he’ll surely fight!

 

But when the shadows came, was nothing but regret

The Love that once was sacred – now hanging by a thread,

He gladly set her free, pretending to forget

The tears, the pain, the anguish of this poor marionette…

 

He tried to write a poem, but curses have no rhyme,

And pain was bound to fill him until the end of time!

Forgiveness and damnation…between them such thin line!

When life itself is nothing but a repeated crime…

 

What keeps us in the darkness, where Love is almost none,

Why can’t we see above us the brightly shining sun?

Can you remember flying before you turn to run?

Could you believe my story if evil never won?

‘Cause in this world of angels, no pact was ever done!

No judgement or damnation upon her -the good one-

For she’s the Light inside us, and Light is never gone…

 

 

 

I found the image at: http://soundofheart.org/galacticfreepress/content/how-access-your-inner-sun

Title inspired by “Million Reasons” by Lady Gaga https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-B_iLyXzbvE

 

 

 

 

To fix what I’ve broken…

virtual_love

-I’m sitting here, between worlds, knowing you can fix me. I broke the bridge of light, it collapsed under my lies! I’m here to confess a truth so terrible…

He stopped me, taking me in his arms and almost crushing the words inside my chest.

“We don’t talk about it. Terrible truths, heartbreaking confessions…they stay locked in the darkness for ever.”

His kiss had nothing tender, nothing sweet this time. It was meant to set things straight. Meant to make me forget him, to erase all the memories of tenderness and safety.

-Why? It’s all I have, all I’m clinging to, in the loneliness of my ever-lasting nights. I love you, do you still love me too?

His fingers left red traces on my arms, they’ll turn blue in the morning, just like my heart. But it wasn’t the pain that brought the salty water in my eyes, no!

“We don’t mention love in our conversations. Nor loneliness. They’re frail and easily breakable human emotions, so they make us weak. Don’t ever speak their names!”

I wanted to push him away, for he was not the one I desperately wanted back. He was stronger, wiser, braver…he was colder than any long forgotten dream of mine. He was…

“How am I?”

-Real.

“And how are you?”

This is where I’m breaking in pieces. This is when I fall. This is my unspeakable truth. For I am just a shadow.

“Right.  Your truth is different than mine. So this is where we close the gate. A thin smoke, this is your memory…”

He pushed me away, setting himself free. And I died inside, along with the love I was carrying. But, in the end…dreams cannot kill, can they?

-I’m sitting here, between worlds, knowing you can fix me. I broke the bridge of light, it collapsed under my lies! I’m here to confess a truth so terrible…

“Oh, baby, I want to hear every one of your truths, no matter how terrible they are!”

-I’m nothing but a shadow! These tears are made of smoke! And I’ll be gone, if you ever decide to forget me…

He smiled and kissed my smokey tears.

“It’s alright, my love, we all are. Shadows, frail, outcasts, breakable, deceiving, confused and anguished. Perfect is the hand that drew us, clear is the eye that saw our first breath. Pure is The Love that keeps us alive. And you are loved beyond measure…”

 

 

I found the image at: https://steemit.com/poetry/@davidfar/poem-virtual-love

Title inspired by the song “You are the reason” by Calum Scott and Leona Lewis https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByfFurjQDb0

I will rise into the wild!

https_blueprint-api-production.s3.amazonaws.comuploadscardimage759243068a800a-5064-450d-aa5a-11ec21a26d3fI will fight the demons of the night! she whispered to herself, holding her little girl’s hand, pulling her closer, tighter when the flashing light approached them silently.

Just like a shadow, just like a ghost, she kept themselves hidden near the tall building, becoming one with the walls. The little girl was trembling, so she knelt and embraced her. It’s us against the world and we promised we’ll make it through the wild!

She was still beautiful, in spite of the pain and tiredness they were facing, and the darkness was only making her eyes brighter. Dressed so inappropriately, with clothes that simply don’t fit into these modern times of history, her only hope was to stay invisible. It’s in Your power to make the hungry sharks blind, please keep us safe! she kept praying in a low voice. And He did the miracle, the group of men passed them, no harm was done, not this time!

They stopped for a moment in front of a bright window. A store that look like paradise! Bread and water, rice and potatoes, chocolate and candies, even a doll! She saw tears into the little girl’s eyes and her heart broke once again. If only he would be with us…but she stopped herself before even saying the words. The little girl pointed to the stars. “Do you think he sees us?” Yes, he definitely sees us! “Do you think he’s proud of us?” More than proud, my little warrior! And the pain became stronger than the hunger.

In her little pocket, she kept a brown wallet, their ticket to freedom. Their chance to life. Foreign money, words written in a language she never learned. Pieces of paper with numbers, the price for their lives, a real fortune when you have nothing. Nothing but your faith! She took a step behind, leaning to the wall. That’s when she saw…

“Mommy, what’s that? Why is this drawing on the wall, what are these words? G-O-A-W-A-Y? It’s about us? Why do they hate us?”

She covered the child’s eyes so that she wont see the hateful words. Go away! We don’t want you here! No refugees in our country! And a picture with a man and a gun, looking straight into their eyes from the yellow poster. She took the little girl into her arms and ran! And ran until her feet were bleeding and her hopeless heart was agonizing!

“Why do we have to run?” asked the crying child.

Because, my sweet, this is how we stay alive. Remember the jungle? This is like…another kind of jungle. Another kind of wild…Don’t cry, you promised! But she was crying herself and the darkness and the cold became unbearable.

So the warm touch on her shoulder seemed to come from the place of angels and the gentleness in the eyes that looked upon them seemed to be miraculous. The old man asked if there’s anything they need. She looked down, but the little girl, in a trembling voice, started to tell about the horrors and the pain, the hunger and the loneliness, the death and the wild…

In her own language.

The old man understood nothing, so he repeated the question. Do you need anything? She said the only word she knew: SUGAR. Chocolate, bread and a warm blanket. Sugar.

A word that spoke about hunger and abuse, a word she heard on other lips, in circumstances that brought death and misery.

The old man smiled, but he made no move. She understood the meaning of his motionless attitude, so she took out the brown wallet and gave it to the kind, smiling man. He left with their precious papers. He left them waiting, he left them freezing on the empty street…

So close to the bright window of the store that looked like paradise…

So far away from humanity.

Please pray for the refugees, for all the families, from all over the world, in the search for a shelter.

 

 

I found the image at: https://mashable.com/2018/04/24/big-data-refugees/?europe=true

You’re still with me in my dreams…

the-best-top-desktop-fantasy-wallpapers-hd-fantasy-wallpaper-13-1In my dreams, you kiss my eyes. I keep them closed, smiling through my happy tears and, while whispering the secret words, you laugh of their struggle to open to light.

There are places only you know, only you touch, places deep within my soul. Sweet heaven’s rain, for my thirsty heart. In my dreams, you take me there and let me feed my aching need for love. In my dreams you love me.

And I fall and I rise, above ashes, clouds, storms and angry winds. I find a rainbow and I paint our love in magnificent colors. In my dreams you give me wings.

We’ll be together, always and for ever…that’s never a lie, because angels cannot lie. In my dreams, you are my guiding light.

Don’t…don’t wake me up, don’t take me back. Let me dream just a little more. It’s such a long time, longer than eternity, since you last held me tight, keeping me warm and safe. In my dreams you are my shelter.

And we dance, and we laugh, we make plans and we cry because we know…

It’s only in my dreams.

So, if I cry in the cruel morning light…

if I say your name like a curse I’m willing to break…

if I fight and scream in the agony of my bitter heart…

if I hate you, if I blame you, if I kill you…it’s only because you took my dream away.

Fly peacefully, angel of love, guardian of dreams, there’s no rest for the unlovable. Wish me goodnight and fly away…you’ll still be with me in my dreams.