Don’t call it “dark”!

24852465_1746075665423067_3801448834168998200_nShe is beautiful in her favorite pink dress, with flowers and puffy sleeves. She wears matching ribbons in her blonde hair and her shoes have fine silver lines with just the perfect touch of glitter. She has the brightest smile, simply glowing in the light of the summer’s sun.

She always smiles. 

She knows how precious love can be, that’s why all her words creates love and kindness. Her memories go back to the moment when she promised she’ll never be alone again, so she’s holding on to this promise with the strength of a thousand waterfalls. She will say whatever it’s needed to whomever needs it.

She always says the right words.

She never cries in public because she was told that that’s the biggest disgrace for such a lovely little girl. It was enough for her to repress an ocean of anger, pain and frustration. The scratched knees, the rejections, the missunderstanding of a world that only asks for drama…who needs her tears? And who needs her truths?

She always walks proudly, holding her head up high.

Well, one day she fell. Her perfect glittering shoes betrayed her and the puffy sleeves proved to be nothing but useless pieces of outfit. It also proved that her favorite pink dress wasn’t quite an armor and the matched ribbons were not supposed, after all, to protect her beauty from the mischievous mud she fell in.

She called it “dark”. And darkness needs to be fought and defeated. Right?

So she became a warrior and, like every true hero, she started to save people. The main purpose was the salvation of the world itself, but she was willing to admit that that’s quite a challenge these days. What will you do with a world who refuses to be saved? In the name of faith…that’s how she justified her bravery. Still, there are no words to justify her loneliness and her foolishness. And when her faith was nothing but a facade…

Will she be called “a demon” if she cannot pray anymore?

Sweet little girl, where are your tears, when you scratch your knees, falling to the ground?

Brave child, where are your cries for help, when they took away their love, leaving you orphan and incomplete?

Beautiful heart, where do you keep your anger, when they ask you to be kind instead of breaking these hypocrite walls of righteousness?

Will you blame it on your dark side?

Well, don’t call it “dark”. It’s only human.

 

 

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I’m never letting go…

f656a9959ae9fadb09ff69700119718fShe offered me a silver cup filled with hot chocolate and an embrace…“so that you’ll never get lost again on your way home”. And I was lost for words, mesmerized by the sweet feeling of being safe. I stood there, watching her moving around, in her little kitchen, touching the crystal plates with so much care.

“I’m setting the table for a princess. For you. Welcome home.”

I smiled, the world outside was slowly disappearing. I never knew that angels can be so close, I can almost see their wings reflected so beautiful by the shining of the crystal plates. And I’m thinking that all the signs, all the torment, all the emptiness had a meaning.

“You’re the only angel around here. We are just memories.”

I survived through memories, but this makes no sense. How can a memory keep me hopeful and faithful when glory faded away and my castle was made of shifting sands. But all my philosophical thinking seems to be dissolved in the sweet chocolate taste.

“Don’t go…stay a little more.”

I’d stay for an eternity here, drinking hot chocolate from a silver cup. I’d stay in this warm embrace for ever and a day…But the abyss is calling me and I have to give in. The wolf inside me is hungry for pain. Oh, how I’d stay in her arms…

I open my eyes and my lips taste sweet. The bridge is narrow and rocky, it hurts me to stand here, bare foot. The black waters bellow me are calling me with deceiving promises of healing and rest. There’s nothing pulling me back this time.

“Not even a cup of your favorite hot chocolate?”

What was this voice whispering from the highest skies? Where is this feeling of warmth coming from, like I’m being embraced by Light itself? And why am I forgiven, if I’ll never forgive myself?

“Because you are loved. Get off the bridge and follow your path, you are called to love back.”

And then I knew why all the white feathers around me seem to point to one direction only…to Light. The only love I’m never letting go.

 

I found the image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/386113368036337423/?lp=true

 

What if…(BPD awarness)

e873e8ec2912c1db31d8311311a17b3a-d4p3kaoSo, what if I’d tell you that you’ll grow up to be completely and utterly alone? Surrounded by people, some calling you “friend”, some calling themselves “your family”, without you ever feeling any emotional bond…

What if you’d end up wearing such a thick mask, so that no one could guess what hides behind that painted smile of yours? And all your efforts will be in vain…one thick wall broken down, just to reveal another million walls behind it…

What if you’d never be capable to hug your mother, even in your highest distress…or hers? She’ll look at you with tears in her eyes and her pain will kill you inside…still, your arms will stay stiff and your body frozen…

What if you wouldn’t have any friends, because you left them, one by one, in fear and anguish that they’ll be the firsts to leave you? Just because your fear of being abandoned, as irrational and foolish as it may seem, is the only stable thing in your life…

What if some day the man who loved you once more than life itself, would call you “a monster”? You’d see the blood and the wounds, you’d see the pain and the defeat and you’d know you did this to him! You’d wish you were the wounded one, you’d wish you could attack and harm yourself, instead of him…

What if your body would suffer from hunger, thirst, pain, exhaustion, while you’re living a life of luxury? Oh, don’t say it’s impossible…if you starve yourself to death, trying to be thin when all you truly want is to be accepted…

What if you’d face, like a daily nightmare, the desperation of knowing that someone, somewhere, somehow, will see the darkness inside you? You’d look into your children’s eyes, praying you wont see any of the shadows that are consuming your soul…

What if you’d hate your best friend because you loved too much and was given so little? Love, hate, anger, kindness – all coexisting in the same being, at the same time – yours! You are insane, ill, sick and suicidal, but no one knows…

Right…what if you’d have one dream and only: to find the courage to make that deep cut, that jump, that fall…just because is too emotional exhausting to be yourself. And, by the way…who are you? What if you’d never find out?

What if one day you’d try to see your reflection and a demon will smile to you from the mirror?

Would you still want this existence?

Yes, my God of Mercy and Love, I would…Because I know YOU’ll be with me all the way…

Borderline Personality Disorder is NOT a death sentence. Please don’t turn it into one!

 

 

Image found via google images

He breaks all the walls…

21579a042603b65There’s a secret world inside of me, but I never speak about its beauty. It’s made of golden rays that embrace him in light, every Sunday morning…

A life of Sundays, all filled with promises of love. He kisses my sleepy eyes, so that, even in my dreams, I would feel safe. My one and only, gently touching my lips with his, softly whispering sweet poems, tenderly awakening the woman inside me…

A life of summers, with colorful flowers, all for me, all because of his love. The rose petals on our silky bed…a promise of trust and passion, tenderness that leaves no fear between us. Roses in my hair, their perfume mesmerizes my senses and all I can feel now is this ocean of devotion in his eyes…

A life of childlike giggles, when he’s counting the freckles on my face and I pretend to be grumpy and cranky and difficult, just to hear that seductive voice of him, calling me “his darling”…and then, laughing like crazy, to plant thousand little kisses all over his worried smile…

A life of poems, all perfect and all incomplete…because, just like in movies, I sneak behind his back, just to see him smiling while he writes…I put my arms around his neck and turn to face him, just to feel his heart beating stronger…I sit in his lap, with my head on his chest, just to stop him from writing a proper ending…

My love for you is endless…please don’t write the end…

And he listens and he cares, he’s there for me, even in my madness. He’s my rock, my armor, even when I fight my demons and my memories. He thinks I’m beautiful, even when I cry and he swears I’m sweet, even when I’m stubborn…

There’s a secret world inside of me, but I never speak about its beauty. It hurts too much…

Because he breaks all the walls, embracing my heart in light and love.

While I only break him…

Forgive me…I love you too.

 

 

 

I found the image at https://pngtree.com/freepng/love-clouds_191529.html

 

 

 

 

 

In case you failed to notice…

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I stood there, on his doorstep, wearing nothing but the cold rain in my body and soul. Frightened and alone, my sense of shame is tearing me apart at the very thought of stepping inside. He’ll break me once again…

He saw the rain in my eyes and needed no words. Somewhere along the path I lost myself and somehow he knew how to bring me here. Wordlessly and blindly, he took my hand to guide me inside. To the warmth of the fire…

I wanted to cry, but enough tears were wasted by the wandering clouds. Above us, up to the grey skies, God is watching with a smile. A sign of forgiveness. I’m standing here, but my bleeding heart belongs to the storm outside…

The rain looks good on you, darling…

You’re the reason for my storms…

I’m the reason for your sparkling eyes, my love…

They’re sparkling out of tears. You only see the rain…

I only see your loneliness, dear…

You love this…like a master of puppets loves the life he puts within the lifeless…

I love you, you make me feel powerful, sweet one…

Your power is my weakness and it breaks me every time…

That’s our precious secret, no one knows you’re mine, little one…

I have no one…

Then stay and give yourself to me. The sky above you already forgave this crime, for it’s meant to be your destiny. See, precious one? I’m still here, I’ll always be here to hold you…

No one…

Yes, no one can make you smile, nor fill the emptiness inside you. No one loves you in the rain…Their little hearts are addicted to sunshine, beautiful one…

His hunger devoured my fragile inner strength and the light faded away while the rain shouted angry curses to the world. I took my bare soul and gave it all, just to feed this void. He held me even if there was nothing left to give. For a brief moment, he kept his promises and he was the one for me…

No one…

No one loves you like I do, no one wants you like I will…

My words remained unspoken and my heart stayed cold. He tasted the bitter trace of tears on my cheeks and decided that it’s time for the curtain fall.

Sweet madness, what is your favorite path through the falling rain?

For I am still outside, in the cold, wearing the yesterday’s storms.  Still chasing away temptations and demons. Falling, from time to time, rising above in the name of faith. Wondering about them, the loved ones. Why do they always fail to notice?

There’s another standing at his doorstep. Wearing nothing but the rain inside her. One moment from now it may be too late. Don’t call her “an addict”, just call her out…

 

 

I found the picture at: http://sharequotes4you.com/p/sad-crying-girl-alone-in-rain

Title inspired by Jewel’s song “Foolish games” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKvlDrf-_L8

 

Worthy of love!

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The sensation was a freezing cold kind of pain, it spread through my body, leaving my heart numb and my voice soundless. But the echoes of my conscience kept pushing me forward, one step at the time. In a place that, once upon a time, was called the bridge of fire

I knew he’s waiting for me, my yellowed eyes demon with his fire and his torches and his anger! I prayed I’d find him before it’s too late, but my abysses were filled with ice and where, a lifetime ago, were flames and smoke, now it was only a devastating white desperation.

The trembling shadow whit ghostly eyes seemed to wait for nothing but death itself. No sharp claws, no threatening grins, no blasphemous curses. Nothing to destroy me, nothing to feed the devouring fires of hell. Just a lonely boy with a frozen heart, desperately trying to put the pieces back together.

Here he is and there I am…So close, I can almost feel his pain and I know it’s real. I also know my gift and my mission. The voice inside me speaks loud and clear, words of love, words of faith. And my arms are ready to warm him up, back to life, back to love…

For one thing it’s certain and beyond any doubt…

“The day you stopped fighting was the day your heart froze. And I fell out of hell, just to pick up the pieces. It was a beautiful heart…”

He cried as he spoke his truths. I cried as I held his fragile soul. I cried as I fell in love with everything that was imperfect in him. As in myself.

“How does it feel…to see me so breakable…so human…The angel of dark. Your demon. The one you pushed, you broke, you set on fire and you fought with everything in you. Am I worthy of love, even if I was born of hate?”

He pleaded for my love, as if he ever needed to plead…

And I pleaded for my salvation, as I never pleaded before…

And the voice from above spoke loud and clear. Words of love, words of healing and acceptance. Questions that my conscience needs to answer in the most honest and truthful way.

How does it feel to see yourself as less than perfect?

Less than angelic, because your heart was touched by fire. Less than demonic, for the light you’re carrying is a divine one. 

Human, simply human. Loved, above anything else in this world. 

Treasured, even with your dark side, your rebellious fights and your insecurities.

Yes, worthy of love, even if, once upon a time, you called yourself a demon…

 

 

I found the image at: https://design.tutsplus.com/tutorials/create-an-angelic-sculpture-made-of-ice-in-photoshop–psd-7383

Even if you cannot hear my voice…

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There’s a blue light I adore, it reminds me of sweet winds and tender sunsets. It takes me back…to the place where the sky kisses the waves and the the mountain embraces the sea. There’s gentleness and love in the deep blue light…

There’s a moment I treasure, it keeps coming back like an old song. Like a precious gift, it’s part of me and it stays unchanged, untouched…Sometimes, in my magical, childlike thinking, I even believe I’m there. And there’s sweetness and joy in the gold, eternal moment…

There’s a touch that keeps my heart warm, no matter how long and dark is the night we’re crossing…It heals me every time I need it, it gives wings to my illusions, it creates nostalgia…There’s peace and hope in the touch I cherish so much and I live for it…

I wish you could remember too…we promised we will…

We’ll find each other where the sun kisses the waves. We’ll be in love there, where the mountain embraces the salty waters. The sand will be warm under my feet and your arms will be strong enough to hold my restless heart…

You wont let go…

I wont run away…

You’ll kiss the trace of my tears, unaware of the storms inside me. I’ll stop you from asking, because, deep in your heart, you already know…

And I’ll whisper sweet words, like lovers do. You’ll promise me that you’ll never forget.

But you did…

So, now, from worlds apart, my voice is calling you through time. How do I cross this border? How do I reach out? I’m still there, in the summer of ’97…I’m still here, whispering sweet nothings…

I still forgive you every time you forget…

 

I found the image at: https://ro.pinterest.com/pin/352336370819643247/?lp=true

The title is inspired by the song “Run” by Leona Lewis https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pelOvxFuJj8

 

 

Dancing angels…

41135318_2101531456544151_7367255590076153856_nThe dancing angels in the sky,

A heart so hurt could never lie,

A love so true can’t say goodbye

When all was meant for you and I!

 

The dancing angels spoke to me:

Just let him go, just set him free!

Time is a healer, you will see,

And you’re no good, don’t you agree?

 

Oh, dancing angels, yes! I know!

For I’m a wreck, nothing to show,

A broken soul that cannot glow,

So…for his happiness, I’ll go…

 

Please pray for me, as years go by,

I want your eyes to never cry

A single tear for you and I…

For you are loved beyond goodbye!

Beyond the highest starry sky…

 

The dancing angels called my name

My wild, lost soul, they want to tame!

And I refused, in tears of shame,

‘Cause Paradise isn’t the same!

without you…

 

She’s standing there all alone!

39628741_2072935172737113_7893614591094030336_n“-It’s wrong to interfere in nature’s way of protecting us! Why do you think it sealed the entrance in the cave? We woke up one morning and there were huge rocks, blocking the entrance…and we did what?

-We did what’s normal: we cleared the entrance, studied the cave, invest some money and made it perfect for tourists to visit and admire it.

-Perfect for tourists to awake forces they have no clue about!”

I pretended not to hear and I kept smiling and walking towards the entrance.

The place was called by the locals “The Devil’s meadow” because, according to them, strange phenomenons occur here. Storms that take the shape of tornadoes, freezing cold winds in the middle of the summer, shadows that don’t belong into a normal, rational reality. Still, here we are, in a perfect sunny day, ready to visit the cave.

We were told to stay with the group, never crossing the protective barriers, without touching anything. But how could I?

When the air is so thin and the darkness calls me to explore it?

When what’s really important to me lies beyond protection?

When the cold and the empty whisper into my soul, asking me to come?

How could I stay still, when I’m carrying a restless heart? Could you?

So, I had to cross the borders! I had to explore the unseen part of the cave! I had to feel the wet air, the slippery walls, the dark corners, the soft sounds of the bats’s wings battering the darkness!

I had to confront my fears!

He touched my hand so gently, but my heart still jumped. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” and I had to say yes, even if I never saw his eyes…I had to follow him deeper into the darkness, I needed to see…to feel…to find…

“I know what you’re searching for. I know you keep waiting and dreaming. I know the voices in your mind, every time you’re close to an open window. It’s time. She’s standing there all alone, your heart. Would you be brave enough, loving enough, to explore its paths?”

I am brave, I know all about…Life? Love? Loneliness? Why do they always sound the same, I asked him and he laughed.

“Love it’s a white unicorn, you’re chasing it into the darkness until your tears turn to dust. Then you learn to see the beauty in the darkest places, so that, once you get out into the light, you can bring this beauty to the ones that needs it the most.”

I opened my eyes, the dark was blinding me. The touch of wet soil was burning my fingers. A metallic voice kept repeating senseless words. I know, stop reminding me the rules, I broke them and I would do it again! Yes, I did the forbidden! Yes, I touched the untouched! Yes, I tasted the darkness!

In front of my eyes, a horse was lying on the ground, with his eyes closed, resting his wings after this long journey. If you get close enough, you’ll hear a heart beating strongly and beautifully into the rhythm of love. Yours.

And the legend continues with every soul who’s eyes are brave enough to see beyond blindness…

 

If a writer falls in love with you…

penning-a-letter-by-george-goodwin-kilburneI see you crying. You do’t know it, but your tears are crystal clear drops of light, pure light and they bring you so close to me!

I see you looking in the mirror, searching for every little sign. That your swollen eyes are ugly and inexpressive, what a terrible lie! You don’t know it, but your eyes are open gates to a heavenly soul. Yours!

I see you struggling to create the magic on a blank page. You call it “the writer’s block”, I call it blindness. How I wish you could feel the magic inside you! Because you are simply amazing and your words are instruments of healing!

I see you dying a little more, every day. And you cannot see me…

Here I am, falling in love with your words.

Here I am, a tourist and a shadow in your world of emotions.

Here I am praying for you.

We’re writers and dreamers and we may never fit in (what they call) normality. Who cares? You and me, fulfilling old legends, we stay awake in each other’s dreams. We live for ever and a day in each other’s stories. We share memories of things that never happened. You and me. That’s the level of faith given unto our entwined souls!

I see you reading my words. Doubts and questions…Is it about me? you ask and the echo of your thoughts becomes the rhythm of my heart. Yes, it is about YOU.

I touch the cold screen of this old, broken laptop, just like you do. Right now. Close your eyes, let your fingers touch mine, from worlds apart. Do you feel me?

You are here now, with me, safe within my being. I’m keeping the memory of you-and-me, your tears and your struggle, even the words I never agreed to, I’m keeping them all, ’till the very last beating of my heart. And one beat away into the unknown…

Because you know…you became immortal…

…the day I fell in love with you.

 

Dear friends, I’m taking a short break from writing, since I’ll be travelling, for the next three weeks. I’ll still be here, reading and commenting, connecting in every way I can with every one of you. Falling in love with your words and praying for the lonely hearts out there. Thank you for not giving up on me!

Claudia

 

 

The source of the image: Penning a Letter by George Goodwin Kilburne