For you too…

resilience_introI know you cried too.

The rain carried your burning tears so they would meet mine. We need to cry together more often…I whispered in the hollowing wind and I know…

I know you heard me.

It took me too long, again, and it felt like failing. Why do our most powerful feelings need so much time to turn into words?

It took me too long to reach out my hands to you. To embrace the space between us, defying distance, time, odds…history.

I know you felt it too. My arms around you.

We see the world through different eyes and, yet, our hearts bled together for the same cause. That’s all it takes. You are my family, as I am yours, united by an unbreakable bond.

Faith. We speak different languages and, yet, when my prayers stopped, you continued with yours. When my voice got weak, you raised yours, and when I blamed the sky for all the tragedy of this hopeless world…that’s when you asked for forgiveness.

In my name too…

We see the world through different veils, some chosen, some imposed. I would wear yours in a blink of the eye, if that would save me from my own! I would cover my face if that would guarantee the uncovering of my heart. But this would never happen…

And you know it too.

east-attacks-sri-lankaPeople. Religion. Churches. They build them just to take them down! They would gladly use their guns and bombs and pride…to set our souls on fire. They did it, they’ll do it again…while you and me, we learn to be more than innocent bystanders.

I know you fight too! For my cause too…

My friend…my brother…my sister…the things that unite us are stronger than hate. Even if we both need to close our eyes, in order to see each other’s hearts…That’s already a little, perfect miracle! Now take my hand, I’m here with you, willing to believe!

For you too…Because, now, we all became survivors!

 

 

 

 

The source of the images: https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2018/02/science-resilience-what-are-ingredients-help-people-cope

Deadly Attacks in Sri Lanka Target Luxury Hotels and Churches

 

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Anyone who ever kissed in the rain…

Claudia Lucia McKinney - Tutt'Art@ (14)

What’s beyond sadness? she asked me in a pure, innocent voice, almost childlike.

And all I could do was to apologize again and again, in thousand ways. Too little and too late, no matter how hard I tried.

You don’t know what’s beyond sadness, but you still try to cure me?

Oh, I’m no healer, I heard myself saying. I’m just…

You’re just trying to save yourself, Princess?

So I just stood still, quiet and humble, praying that, this time, I’ll be able to really listen.

You apologized for the words you did not listen. For the cuts you did not see. For the prayers you did not say. For the demons you did not fought. Princess, you apologized for things you did not need to apologize, for they were meant to be. 

So now we’re beyond apologies and you are beyond sadness. 

Ellie…

No…not this time. See, you cannot imagine my inner world, but I lived in yours. I walked on the same paths, I tasted the same sweetness, I met the same demons. Do you want to talk about The Shadow?

Yes.

Princess! This is the first time in years when you are honest with me! Was it worthy…the facade? All the walls and the masks? You love him…

No. I’m not…

Nonsense! Stop hiding behind that notebook of yours, where you write all my answers! Stop it! Two worlds, two souls…one love! One cursed love! He thinks you’re a ghost, you believe he’s a vision! One wrong step and both of your worlds will be destroyed…

Ellie…were you ever in love?

Well, silly girl…ask me if I ever kissed him in the rain…

Ask me if my heart ever grew wings to fly back in time, to keep his memory alive…

Ask me if I ever died for his love…

And you’ll know the answer. Because anyone who ever kissed in the rain knows what’s beyond sadness…

Only you pretend to forget…

But that’s okay and you are forgiven…it’s hard to see through walls…even harder to be a prisoner of your rigid rules about love…

Thank you for talking to me, Ellie.

I would like to visit you from time to time. I’m free…even if they locked me in this psychiatric ward…you’re sad, even if they gave you all the reasons to be happy. Life’s not fair, is it?

(fragment from a real dialogue)

 

 

I found the picture at: https://www.tuttartpitturasculturapoesiamusica.com/2013/10/Claudia-Lucia-McKinney.html

Confession

red-alerts-for-girls

“I have a secret to tell, please hear my confession. It’s about a sin I committed, it’s heavier than any burden I ever carried, darker than any nightmare I ever collapsed into, sinister and horrible…Please hear my confession…

I did it, Father…

I did it for the first time. 

I did it today, in the dark. 

There were no stars, only clouds above me. Did you know that, when the night settles in, the clouds become ghostly? And I’m usually afraid of ghosts. Not this time…

I was not afraid. My first time was not fearful, I did it passionately, angrily, thirsty for more. And once I was done, I wanted to start all over again! Again! More! Deeper! The hunger in me killed any common sense, every trace of shame.

It was not painful. Now I wish it would have been. Now it is. It hurts, Father. It hurts so deep, on so many levels, that the pain suffocates me and I feel my soul dying. Don’t let me die, Father…

I had a sense of pride at the sight of my blood. Small traces, nothing too dramatic. Red. Hot. Alive. My blood was my living proof that I am pure. And strong. I a more. More than an empty shell.

Father, who am I when I can’t recognize myself in the mirror? 

I did it today and no one knows. It felt good, too good. And, Father, I did not tell You the worse!

It felt normal.

And I don’t know if I want forgiveness. There are sins that need no absolution. I need more and I need different. So I pray…

for someone to notice (please, see my scars!)

for someone to care (please, ask me what’s wrong!)

for someone to tell me that I’m still worthy of love…(please, say that you love me!)

Even if I did it. Today, for the first time. 

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I cut myself today.”

 

 

 

I found the image at: http://www.adorethelife.com/5-red-alerts-advising-you-are-in-love-with-the-wrong-man/

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dark corners (Who is this girl?)

sad-girl-cracked-mirror

Who is this girl starring at me?

Her eyes – deep butterflies hidden into the cliffs of the unknown.

Her skin – pale like the moonlight in a starless sky.

Her hair – clothing for skinny, bare, tired shoulders.

She is not well…

 

Who is this girl who never smiles back?

I see the corners of her mouth slowly lifting the irony of a fake smile.

They always seem to hurt, they always appear as false,

Her lies, reflected in the corners of her red berry lipstick

She is not honest…

 

Who is this girl crying inside?

She’s carrying a long lost love, killed by her favorite hero.

Through pain she learned that ashes burn deeper than fire!

That tears cannot feed a hungry heart!

She is not in love…no more in love…

 

Who is this girl giving up all the fighting?

Knowing damn well about the war she’s loosing with every step back!

Running from the beast trying to conquer her soul…

Fight back, girl, fight back!

She is not peaceful, nor in peace…

 

Who is this girl starring at me

From the dark corners of my memories?

Who is this girl in the mirror?

 

 

I found the image at: https://airfreshener.club/quotes/girl-mirror-looks-sadly.html

 

 

 

The one who heals…

demon-drawing-depression-7The little girl was standing on the balcony a little too close to the edge, but, this time, sadness was stronger than fear. She always avoided the highs, the peaks, the sharp edges, the tall surfaces. Anything that would get her close to falling…

She heard the voice, louder and clearer, it brought chills to her spine, it always did. She knew she’s just a step away, but, this time, anger was stronger than panic. She wiped away her tears, there was nothing left to lose, only a life she no longer considered worthy of living…

Not like this.

So she climbed to the highest surface, the place that turns the city lights into small candles disappearing in the darkness. Her heart was spiraling into a place where love fades away in more than one overwhelming way…

You did well so far. 

She tried to silence the voice, but it was stuck somewhere inside her, part of her being, part of her darkness. Tired of fighting, tired of tears…tired of asking herself if life could be any different…she was now contemplating the falling.

It doesn’t hurt.

The voice was calm and alluring, calling her, tempting her, promising an eternity of lost memories. Her parents fighting, her father drowning in alcohol, her mother smoking, depression, panic attacks every school morning, the bullying, feeling inferior, social phobia, anorexia, abuse, poverty…Yes, that’s what she will forget!

It will be like falling asleep, all dark, all safe, all peaceful.

That’s when she realized that the voice is lying. Peaceful? she asked.

Yes, peaceful.

Like nothing bad ever happened to me?

Yes, like all the pain is taken away.

Taken away by whom? By you? she shouted.

Hey, if you are that powerful, if you are that wonderful, if you are that strong…

Than why the hell weren’t you capable of healing my life until now? Answer, answer now, or I swear, I will spend the rest of my life haunting you!

Because…

the voice was chocking, barely whispering, but the words came clear:

…because I cannot heal, I only destroy…

The little girl climbed down from the sharp edge of the balcony, back to safety. Her tears were falling free, her hair war flying in the cold midnight wind, her hands were trembling, but she stood brave.

Abuse, fears, poverty, shame, bullying, neglect, anorexia, depression…

Step by step, she will overcome every demon who crosses her path.

By the power of The One who heals.

 

 

I found the image at: https://ayoqq.org/explore/demon-drawing-depression/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t wanna start another fire…

fire_breather

Her eyes are blue like the sunny sky, they’re sparkling when we talk about love, but her voice remains so calm and controlled…a sweet melody that never reaches the peak. Silly words, made to be whispered into the oblivious wind, words that bring tears and ignite hurricanes. Please, she trembles, I don’t want to start another fire…

She will always choose to remain silent.

People are walking by, complimenting the weather outside, like it would be a creation of our hearts. In time, they became so skilled in ignoring the inner storms! Behind our painted masks, we’re lashing at each other, unable to expose our true self.

So she’ll never cry in front of a stranger.

Her refuge is her church, her church is her heart, but her heart has sealed the door, so that no one can come in. I’m staying at the front gates, wondering if she’ll ever notice my rebellion. I’m staying and I’m talking about love. The same love that was once promised and then denied, once expressed and then silenced! The love that turns me into a rebel.

And I wish she would be a rebel too.

Faith and inner peace, that’s what they saw in her. Submission, that’s what they love about her. No one ever asked her what is it that she loves about herself?

She couldn’t answer anyway!

Let’s talk about the flowers he never filled your arms with!

Let’s dream about the long walks on the beach he never took you to!

Let’s imagine the tenderness he always forgot to show you!

What are these sparkles in your eyes? Do I see tears?

People are walking by, complimenting the weather, it’s like this warmth they all love to talk about comes from the sun. “Why are you crying through such a lovely day?” they ask her, and I’ll be her voice this time.

Just let her cry, she needs these tears! See, she opened the front gates of her heart. It’s her church and it’s her refuge! And now there’s a fire inside…

Just let her tears fueling the burning flames. Until there’s nothing left inside! So she could build a new heart…and a new love.

 

 

 

I found the image at: http://markbrodinsky.com/soul-on-fire-its-just-about-life/

 

When you kissed me and stopped me from shaking…

ijunoon_Fantasy-Girl-1153129The boy with bright eyes was standing there, in the enchanted forest, looking away every time I tried to meet his gaze. He was the one I knew from every dream, the one who held me through every fantasy. The one who’s love was pure and generous, maybe too innocent for this wild world.

I went to him, every step bringing back memories of words I shouldn’t have said, promises I shouldn’t have made, every step towards him brings me back home. My long white dress was trembling in the wind, or were my shoulders shaking under the weight of this unspoken truth?

Because once I’ll look into his eyes, I cannot lie anymore, I cannot walk away or pretend he doesn’t exist…not anymore. And there’s a special kind of embrace, that belongs to us, our safe place, our bridge to Heaven. I will not stumble, not this time, I hear myself saying, and it almost sounds like a new promise…

-Do you remember when you first kissed me? You gave me wings…

-We never kissed…

-We did, in my dream! It was an eternity ago, when I was still dreaming…

-And now…

-Now we have the eternity…

-But you are shaking…

-I just…it’s you…

-Me…

-Your eyes…much too bright for the darkness I’m walking into…

-Don’t be afraid, you are safe!

-I know, it’s you that I’m scared for…

The boy with bright eyes knew all along that his light comes from a place of miracles and, one day, he will return home. Will I be there too? Will we be there together?

Will he remember a kiss that never happened, but, still, it saved me?

We’re clinging to memories we create only in our imagination, we survive by the hope of all the healing hugs we may never share. We’re dangerously close to a world of miracles, a place beyond human understanding.

We live as angels in each other’s Heaven…

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.ijunoon.com/search/number%20girl/?page=7

 

I want you to be happier!

sea-sunset-children-2K-wallpaperI want you to be joyful like a child in the Christmas morning, opening every gift that life has in store for you! Imagine that, in those colorful gift boxes, there could be the treasure of the world! It is, don’t you know? You just need to unwrap it and to enjoy all these wonders!

I want you to laugh and to play like every day would be the greatest adventure of all! You’ll have tears in your eyes from all the laughing, and you’ll still want more! Lacking air from all the giggling, jumping around and making funny faces, I want you to allow yourself to live to the fullest!

I want you to fall in love again! You’ll learn that love can be so sweet and easy to embrace, it doesn’t need drama, tragedies and anger. It doesn’t turn into hate, you’re not supposed to get hurt so deeply! Love is the gentle touch of a butterfly’s wings on your shoulder, reminding you that life is magical!

I want you to say lovely words, without the fear of sounding foolish or vulnerable! You’ll be amazing when you’ll compliment the loved one, when you’ll encourage the desperate one, when you’ll heal the broken one. You are meant to be a hero, don’t ever forget that!

And, finally, I want you to take your guitar and let your voice be heard! Be generous, be kind, be loving and fair…this is who you are!

I want you to be happier! Don’t you want it too? I know you can be!

…even if I’ll have to let you go.

 

 

Inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7Bc3pLyij0

I found the image at: http://www.wallpaperbetter.com/cute-wallpaper/sea-sunset-children-243312

 

 

How to fill an empty page

3524484971_a524f481d3_bHe slowly walks towards us, just to say hello, obviously disturbed by our presence. He asked us to be there, but it’s in his nature to make people feel small, unimportant and weak. His arrogant smile tells us he had his way…

As I watch myself in the small mirror on the dark corridor, I have to admit, I do look small and humble, so I guess he succeeded. I can tell, by the watery hand that I’m holding, that I’m not the only one feeling scared.

She comes to us with an honest smile, but her eyes look down and I cannot see any spark, any shining human emotion. She is polite and sociable, she can show interest towards anyone and anything, but we all know, it’s just for the show.

There’s nothing real in the affection and attention she mimics.

He speaks of subjects he reads, he explains science documentaries he saw. She smiles and nods, without interrupting him, of course, it would be so rude! But I do and I love it! I love how his eyes get narrow and his rictus grin becomes uglier than ever. Do I hate him? I probably do.

I interrupt him just to speak with her. To ask her how she’s feeling. To see those blue eyes, that once were bright, lifting slowly to meet my gaze. To see that smile, that once was honest, appearing again for a brief moment. To hear her say she’s alright, even if I know she’s lying!

But his voice covers her fragile answers and I know…from now on, I’ll only get silence from her. And ugly, angry eyes from him. I did crossed some ridiculous line. But they needed us here, so this is where we’re staying.

Because this family picture has no value without witnesses.

I should be leaving, but something tells me to stay and to try again and again to bring her back. From the imaginary world she’s creating behind those quiet blue eyes. A world where she can rebel, a world where she feels loved.

Years from this moment he’ll sit by her coffin, explaining us about cancer. The causes, the symptoms, the costs! And I’ll stay there, watching her white, small, tired body, taken to the grave. And I’ll swear I’ll never be like that!

I’ll fight a million battles with the force of my rebellion! And I’ll shout a million angry words! And I’ll break a million chains and barriers if that’s what it takes!

For now…all I have is an empty page, where I should write about her. Her necrology…and I’m lost for words…Because happiness can only fill a heart and sadness is empty by itself. It’s only anger that fills this empty page…

And faith that fills an empty heart. 

And love is the reason behind this blog post.

 

 

 

Is there anyone out there?

canary-birds-indoor-hazards“Anyone at all?” she asked in a broken voice, but only the falling leafs seemed to answer to her calling. They flew around her, swirling and giggling in the wind’s turmoil. She was never that lonely, nor that eager to run into someone’s arms. Anyone’s arms…

She was a runaway, like so many others before her. Little birds, escaping golden cages, brave little creatures who craved for more than crumbles, they needed the rain and the rainbow, the sun and the lightnings, the love and the passion of being free!

This little bird always considered her story as being boring, common and flat. Nothing to complain about in her perfect little world. Nothing to dream about, for she never truly knew her needs and her desire. Hunger and thirst, cold and heated, desperate and euphoric…those were notions she only knew theoretically…

In a perfectly round cage, safety is a sure thing. That’s how her masters used to say and she learned gratitude by heart! That’s what kept her away the cold, dangerous, tormented, real world outside. She would never ask if she’s free to fly.

Freedom? Of course she’s free! Can’t you see that I never locked her in? Can’t you find the open door, sweet little bird? But she was violently shaking her little head in the palm of her keeper. NO! No open door would ever be more alluring than his fingers gently caressing her silky feathers.

So he acted neglectful and she became restless. Not only the little door of her golden cage, but also the big window of the his golden home…how many temptations is a little heart doomed to repress? If the enemy’s out there, in the big, wild world…then how come she’s so sad and lonely, right here, inside?

It was not the hand that fed her, it was not him to blame for this outcome…

It’s the eye that stopped seeing her beauty, it’s the ear that stopped hearing her songs, it’s the heart that stopped beating in the same rhythm as hers.

“Anyone at all? Anyone to love with everything in me? Anyone to care  for this crazy little bird? Just someone…anyone…”

She was just a runaway who, like so many others before her, disappeared under the starry sky. And we’ll never know…

if she found anyone at all…

or she went into the unknown, hungry and exhausted…

if she ever found her way back home…

or she just found an escape from the big wild cage we call REAL world…

if someone loved her to her last moments…

or another hunter loved to have in her a different kind of pray.

But there’s one thing I’m sure about: She wont be the last little bird who’s replacing an illusion for another. You, little bird, just like me, with struggling hearts, desperately kicking the walls of our golden cages…freedom…what an impossible dream…what a misfortune…

it’s in our human nature to fulfill it!

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.picturesboss.com/pictures/canary-bird-flying-0c.html