I want to stand with you on a mountain!

His touch felt like butterflies on my arm and I couldn’t stop smiling. He noticed, of course he did and, for a moment, that deep sadness, that endless solitude I saw in his eyes, seemed to melt.

“Hi. You probably don’t remember me.”

Oh, not only that I remember him, but I prayed to God to see him again. One more time. And now I wish I could hug him tight. A perfect stranger…I have no logical explanation and it’s completely out of my control, but he makes me happy simply by being near me. No need for more…

“I’m the one…with the book…and I think I scared you last time. I thought…there’s a coffee shop and it’s still early…you probably didn’t had coffee yet…and…I’m talking way too much…”

I’m looking down…my heart is saying yes. My heart is shouting YES. But…

“No, not like that…I saw…the wedding ring…and I would never…it’s just coffee. I know you belong to another…”

I don’t belong to him. 

“Of course you don’t…I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me around you. I say stupid things and I act like I would be on medication…or something…I’m sorry…I’ll just go…”

And, just like that, my heart wins. I’m taking his hand in mine, looking deep in his eyes.

I guess we both need some coffee.

I can actually see the excitement in his eyes. Then sadness again…I need to go beyond this sadness. I need to see inside…to climb this protective wall…

Why are you so sad? Even when you smile…

“Please…can I hold your hand?”

I give him my hand unhesitatingly and anyone who would see us now, would think that…But it doesn’t matter, what I feel for him is so innocent, so pure…

“You gave me faith last time. I’m such a mess…I cry at nights…and I was always strong. I don’t know why I tell you this…”

What happen to you? I want to help you, with anything you need. 

He looks down and I notice his old shoes and the same shirt washed over and over again until the colors are all pale…

I…if you need money…I can…

He pulls away his hand almost instantly and I feel so bad. There’s a fire in his eyes…dignity…pride?

“I do not need your money! Your money can’t buy life, do they? Can they buy time? Can they erase this death sentence?”

He shows me a piece of paper, but I can’t see because of my tears.

I’m sorry.

I’m running out crying and I know people are noticing. I probably lost my mind simply for being here, with a perfect stranger. A stranger I seem to…love? Did I really said that?

“I’m sorry. Please stay…I had no right…You said about having faith in each other…and I have faith in you…please…”

I wish I could help you, but I can’t. See…I’m not really a warrior. I cry at nights too. And I lost too many friends. My life is filled with ghosts and shadows. I can’t stand losing someone I love. Not again…

He seems lost, almost scared. But he looks straight into my eyes and he smiles.

“I would climb a mountain with you and I would fight death for you…Just to be that someone you love…”

You are.

His touch on my arm feels like butterflies.

“Hi. You probably don’t remember me.”

I look down…my vision before was too intense, too real.

No, I’m sorry…you’re probably mistaken me with someone else. 

“Oh…it’s alright…I thought…here…for you…you were nice and I thought…”

He gives me a piece of paper and disappears in the crowd. A portrait. Mine. With big eyes, filled with tears. And a mountain behind.

 

 

Advertisements

Ravens calling my name…

I must have slipped on the yellowed leafs because the last thing I remember is the dark color of the sky and their black wings. Ravens…I used to watch them for hours as a child. They never scared me and, sometimes, when their round eyes met me, I imagined talking to them…

The street is empty, but I hear her crying.

“Leave me alone! I’m not coming with you! Leave me alone!”

So I rush there to help her, ignoring the pulsating pain on my left knee. It’s cold outside and she’s wearing a very thin white shirt. I’m thinking of the worst case scenario so I’m searching for my cell to get the help she needs so desperately.

“Is he gone? Can I open my eyes?”

As much as I try, I can’t see a single person on the street. She’s fighting an invisible enemy and I can’t reach to her. Lost in her world, trapped in a nightmare. I remember the protocol so I approach her with calm and gentleness.

“Where am I? Why is it so dark? Help me, he’s coming after me! He’s here and I can’t fight…I can’t fight no more. God have mercy on my soul!”

I’m taking off my coat and I try to cover her trembling body. She’s hurt and I can’t find my cell. I can’t see anyone and she’s not seeing me. She’s not hearing me. Where is everyone? Was I alone when I slipped on the leafs?

“I’m going with him. Ravens have spoken my name. Please help me, I don’t want to go…”

I’m all alone, trembling in the dark. It’s cold outside and everything hurts. I couldn’t fight …I didn’t saw him, but I felt his presence like a shivering frozen wind. It rocked my heart and I couldn’t say the right words.

I remember…I used to watch them for hours. Until that day when they asked me to follow them into the dark. They called my name and they marked my soul. And I knew they’re waiting patiently for the day when I’ll slip on the yellowed leafs.

They never see us reaching out for them. They never hear us calling them desperately to come back. They don’t seem to care enough for us, the “normal” ones when we give them solutions. They cry, they scream, they suffer. They make us angry because they never listen!

They write short letters asking for our forgiveness. We read and we know…it’s too late. Ravens have spoken and they followed the path to nowhere. 

To the ones trying to reach out…

To the ones trying to ignore the calling of the dark ravens…

To the ones on the verge of writing the forgiveness letters and to the ones who cry themselves at nights, praying they will never read a goodbye note…

Depression is not a modern term for laziness. It’s not an excuse. It’s not a lack of will power or a way to get more attention.

But, also, is NOT a death sentence. 

Seek for help before the ravens will speak their truths. 

 

 

 

 

 

You were all for me…

I took off my mask. “See? I’m being myself. Let’s pretend that you’re in love with me. Would you take my hand and lead me to the dance floor?”

He smiled. You know I don’t dance…

I wash away the traces of mascara that ran down my cheeks leaving black lines. “Look, with no make up my eyes are clearer. Let’s pretend I never wore any make up. Would you tell me I’m beautiful?”

He looked away. You know you are, so what’s the point…?

My feet are hurting from wearing the high heels red shoes. His favorites. “Remember walking bare foot by the sea? You held my hand and I asked you to stop for a moment. To hold me tight. Remember what I told you? I wanted to memorize the moment. Let’s pretend that we’re still there. Would you hold me like that, just one more time?”

He walked to the door.”We were teenagers. Anyway, I’m tired, let’s go to sleep…”

I follow him to the bedroom. We’re laying on the bed and I play with his careless hair. “I loved you from the very first moment I saw you and I wanted you with everything in me. Let’s pretend you want me too. Would you…?”

He says nothing.

I stumble on my way out and the sound of broken glasses is piercing the silence.

“What are you doing? I’m almost midnight, I can’t keep my eyes open…”

How about your heart? Can you open it a little? For me…

Because I was all for you and now I’m not.

And you were all for me…and you still are…

Would you take me back?

Back in time…

Back in your arms…

Back to life…

He’s smiling in his sleep and I’m trying to clean the bedroom floor. Is filled with broken glass. Little sharp pieces. One cuts through my skin and the pain reminds me that I’m not invincible. My wounds bleed and my tears fall in the silence of the room…

In the silence of our love…

So I’m silently closing the door. The cold air outside reminds me of his warm, loving arms. I will walk down the street, just a few minutes. And I wont cry, I’l just take a moment to…

He takes my hand and stops me from falling. I’m lost in his eyes. He gently pulls me closer, cupping my face. His lips are barely touching mine and I’m trembling. I’m lost and I’ll never be the same…

He kisses my fingers and the pain is gone.

One day I wont be able to let you go…back…to him…

If we have faith in each other…

I don’t know why I looked behind, but there was something about him that touched my heart. Maybe the dark circles around his eyes, the redness, the traces of tears, the nervous smile when he noticed me…

The line seems to be endless and everyone is irritated. Someone calls the manager and I hear people raising voices. I’m next…I’m looking at him, he’s at the end of the line, holding a bread, a bottle of milk and some eggs. He’s actually holding the food like he would hold on to his life. I’m leaving my place. I have to do this!

-Hi…I saw you’re the last in line and I saw you bought just a few things…if you want, we can switch places…see, I’m next…

He freezes for a second and I wonder if he understood me. I smile at him, showing him where should he go to pay for the bread, the milk and the eggs…

-I’m fine, thank you, I’m really fine. I have time, it’s alright. Thank you for…

Someone calls me…I have to run to the checkout…

an hour later

The small book store is the best place to hide from the rain outside. I’m looking at the history section…

-Hi again…remember me, from the supermarket…you’re a passionate of world wars too? I saw you looking at…

I looked into his eyes and he froze again. I’m sure I look a bit weird holding these huge bags…

-…aww, you’re going to a trip, right? I noticed that you only bought imperishable food..that’s how people do before a catastrophe or before leaving for a very long time. I’m sorry, is none of my business.

He’s holding a magazine about World War II…with a tank on the cover. His fingers are trembling. He stars at the little crucifix I’m wearing.

“-You mean these bags? Oh, the only catastrophe would be if I don’t get them in time…They’re for the shelter, for homeless people. Not for myself…”

He starts to apologize and I have this feeling again. There’s something about him. I ask him about the magazine he’s looking at.

-Yes, see…here, there’s a whole shelf with books and magazines and newspapers…all about war. I need to study…

I wish I could assure him that we live peaceful times…but, after all, what does it matter? When the war is inside him…I look at him and he tells me about war techniques, new guns, mass destruction, propaganda…

-…so what would you tell them?

I wish I knew what he’s talking about, but I stopped listening long ago. He repeats, convinced that he asked a key question.

-You have a group of soldiers. They’re surrounded by enemies and they have absolutely no chance. They will be slaughtered. They start to pray, but no one up there cares about them. They’re losing faith. What would you tell them…when they’re facing death with no hope or faith?

My God, it is a key question. I’m trying to buy a little time.

“-Hmm…well, it depends. Am I one of them?”

He seems shocked.

-Ummm…I guess you are if you want to…that would be logical, if you’re there to fight, you’re a soldier too…What would you tell them?

I would tell them that it’s alright to be afraid. It’s okay to be angry. To feel betrayed by God, by this world, by everyone. It’s normal to feel like we’re losing faith. But, if we have faith in each other, we already won. No matter if the enemy is stronger, we win every battle, till the end. As long as we have faith in each other.

He takes my hand.

-Thank you…can I…can I give you a book? What you just said…no one told me that…before…So…can I? It’s one of my favorites and I saw it here on the shelf…Alistair MacLean “Where Eagles Dare”…And I will write you something…for you to read…

I try to protest, to tell him that there’s no need…

-It is…I need to…See, where I’m going I don’t need money or books. All I need is faith. You gave me faith…Please don’t forget me in your prayers.

Why are these tears so hard to stop?

“Fly high, beautiful eagle.”

That’s what he wrote…

This wont hurt, I swear…

“She has the saddest blue eyes I’ve ever seen…but I’ve seen them before and I don’t know where…”

My thoughts were interrupted by the harsh sound of a slammed door. The smell of disinfectant solution filled the air. The nurse leaned over me (“she refuses to press charges…next time he’ll kill her…”) and her whispered words brought shivers down my spine. The girl in front of me was too young to die…

She looked at me with her piercing blue eyes and I suddenly remembered…

june 2003

My first interview for the job of my dreams. I’m wearing my short white dress…Decent, yet sweet, almost covering my knees, creating a nice illusion that my legs are longer than they actually are (I read this on the Internet!). First time on heels because I need to look smart and sexy, young and enthusiast, but very sure of myself and in control of my own emotions (this I read it too on that amazing site!).

How…what…I was walking and now…

I don’t remember falling, but the pain is real. I hear a child crying…my God! Is the child alright? I feel something warm and wet on my left leg and I’m afraid to open my eyes…

I’m dreaming…I will wake up and I’ll get ready for this interview…I will get the job…

The first color I see when I open my eyes is red. And I cry. Someone’s touching my hair, caressing it, wiping away my tears and it feels so safe. Then the pain, again…

“These heels should be forbidden. You’re very lucky, the cut on the leg is not deep and I was able to stop the bleeding.” I open my eyes to the gentle sound of his voice. An angel?

“Hi”

He smiles at me.

“Hey, angels aren’t supposed to wear such high heels. And where were you rushing like that?”

He called me “an angel” and he’s holding my hand. He tells me that he’s a doctor and I’m lucky he was walking on that part of the town. His little girl wanted ice cream and they saw me…

“Now, look into my eyes. I need to disinfect the wound and you need to stay very calm. This wont hurt at all, I swear.”

He lied. The burning sensation is so intense…He’s asking me where was I going (to distract me from the pain) and, through tears, I tell him about the job of my dreams, about how my parents tried to stop me, how they’re always controlling my life…I’m sure I’m being ridiculous, but he pretends to be interested.

“I actually think that control is a good thing for someone so delicate like yourself. You’re very young and inexperienced, so it’s normal to rebel. In time, with the proper guidance…”

I pull away. (“You lied. It hurts terribly and I missed my interview. I’m sorry I took your time…”)

He laughs.

“It was my pleasure to help you. I want to see you again. Tomorrow. You can have a coffee while I’m checking your leg.”

I still hear a child crying. A little girl with the saddest blue eyes and a red trace on her cheek. And I remember…I remember her laughing when I fell. I remember the sound of his hand slapping the face of that little girl. I remember her crying in pain and the words he said…

And I run away. I run from my guilt, I run from this man, I run from her sad blue eyes.

The young girl in front of me has the saddest blue eyes I ever saw. And her bruises and cuts can’t hide her beauty.  I gently touch her hand and she pulls away.

“I don’t want to press charges…I love him and, in his way, he loves me too.”

“I believe he does…but his way of loving you it’s hurting you, it’s causing you pain. It’s killing you. Love comes in many ways, in many forms…what kind of love are you dreaming of?”

“I just…I just want this pain to stop. Will it always hurt like this?”

“No…time heals…the pain gets smaller till it wont hurt at all. As long as you’re alive, as long as we fight together to find the real you. The strong and beautiful woman who deserves tenderness and respect.”

I lied. Time never truly heals…It just makes us stronger. And braver. To go beyond the pain, the hurt, the brokenness inside.

To find a love that never hurts, never breaks, never kills.

 

Take it easy on my heart…

I’m standing right in front of him, lights on me, the crowd is calling out my name and I forgot my lines…

“Hurry home, I need you!”

His whispered words bring shivers down my body…he wont find out about this power he has on me. I will play it brightly, I will fool my crazy heart…

“My love, my soulmate, till this world will fall apart…and after…”

People are waiting for my line. I don’t have one. But I have this tremble on my fingers when I’m touching his. He’ll blame it on my fears. I play the insecure part almost too perfect. So he wont find out that my feelings have the strength of a hurricane…

“Where there’s love, we’ll find hope. And this hope will get us through time. Until we’ll fly free, where there are no constrains, no borders, no boundaries.”

My inner voice is shouting. Say something, anything! And I can’t…And I want the curtain to fall, this show shall not go on…

“Come to me, my love. Our embrace was our home, it still is. Hurry back into my open arms!”

I’m standing right here, where are the lights? Where is everyone?

Where are you?

I’m sorry for forgetting so easily. I’m sorry for not saying it in time. I regret this silence between us. Forgive me for being so proud, so foolish, so frightened.

I played it the wrong way. I thought is a game of power. I thought I’m supposed to win.

It was one single line. How could I? Here I am, My Love, shouting out loud in the darkness of this cold, wild world. Take me back…

I love you too.

 

So you can sharpen your knife…

He saw me watching…

And he knew right away that the image he tried so hard to create is falling into pieces. The fear in his heart, I could almost sense it…

No…I’m not a predator and he’s not my prey, even if…

Hello…Good afternoon…uhmmm…I was just…

I’m sorry that he’s scared, I’m not used to…It’s not a good feeling when you look into someone’s eyes and you see there…guilt, fear…shame?

-I wanted to say…I’m sorry. I’m very sorry for everything I said about your religion…I’m sorry for putting you in that horrible situation. I know you felt accused. I was wrong and, please, accept my apologies…

He speaks so fast, he’s running out of air. He’s chocking, his face is getting a purple color and his eyes are blurry. His life…he’s fighting for his life. Right there, in front of me. And if I don’t stop this, he’ll loose…

So I take his hands into mines.

-It’s alright. If I ever felt any kind of anger towards you…well, it was a burden much too heavy…so I let it go and replace it with forgiveness…

-So, you wont…

-I’ll tell you what I saw. A good man, in a moment of weakness. A man searching for love in the wrong place. A man who’s dying to save himself from…you’re the only one who can answer to this.

He’s trembling and the purple on his face was replaced by a pale shadow.

-I will confess it…I will go in front of them and I will…I just need time. I will go home now to prepare…

He wont. He wont make it back home, I can see it in his eyes. I have to fight this battle…

-We all make mistakes. I’m not perfect, you know? A few months ago, I almost ran away with a stranger, leaving everything behind. I’m still unable to forgive myself. I’m still falling…I still…

I’m fighting my own tears and I wish he would hug me now. Not him…anyone…But he takes a step behind.

-So you cheated your husband…that’s really serious and you know, it speaks tones about your relationship with God. Because it’s not a moment of weakness, what you did was planned and deliberated. And a fake christian is worse than a non-believer. I’m sickened by you…

He seems victorious even if he jumped to the wrong conclusions. It will help him sleep well tonight. It will allow him to look in the mirror in the morning. It will keep him alive.

I turn my back to him. For ever…

-Don’t…forgive me for what I just said. You’re welcomed in our community if you ever decide to repent and to…

And I simply leave. I will be the subject of his Sunday sermon. My smile is bitter, my heart feels heavy. He’ll survive, but what about his soul?

How many sharpened knives will tear apart our fragile consciousness?

I was crying when I met you…

You found me in the rain, crying, with an empty heart and a homeless soul.

You took my heart into your hands…(You are safe…)

Your arms around me kept me warm…(I’m here for you…)

You made me feel like home…(You don’t need their love…)

I was with you, I was so deep…I forgot the world and its deceiving smiles. Only with you, only for you, you were the answer to…everything…(I’m the only therapy you’ll ever need…)

No one knew the struggle behind the mask. I kept it locked, every moment of falling…(They’ll never understand…)

You fulfilled a void…just to create a larger one…(I’m the only one who can make you feel complete…)

So I tried to escape more than once, but I came back defeated…(I’ll make you feel loved…)

Hey, You…

Give me back my life. My health, my beauty. My self respect. My independence.

(It’s too late for you…)

Don’t come near me offering this false feeling of security. I’ve never been so insecure.

(Let me comfort you…the way I only know…)

I’m facing the world without you. Don’t stand in my way…(This cruel world will tear you apart without my support…)

I was crying when I met you. Rejected and alone. And you made this solitude deeper and so much more painful. I am healing.

(You need me, you wont make it by yourself…)

Hey, You…

(I’m your healer, your comforter, your love…)

No. You are only my eating disorder. And I’m replacing you with self respect, peace of mind and faith.

And maybe…I’ll learn to love myself again some day.

NOTE: This post is dedicated to every brave heart fighting an eating disorder. Beautiful warrior, you are loved more than you’ll ever know.

I choose not to be afraid!

She smiles back at me, a beautiful, childlike smile. I think it’s strange that, at such a rush hour, we’re the only ones in the furniture store. But then again…fate has strange ways…And it seems that we’re both waiting for the delivery boy who’s always late…

Ten minutes, I’m setting my alarm and I’ll only wait ten minutes. She looks at me intrigued and I see her doing the same thing. We’re separated by a window, or something similar…a decorative element for sure. She seems impatient…

I’m analyzing her and she’s analyzing me, probably searching for a topic to start a conversation. I guess not…I try to imagine how did she spend the past hours. Her hair is still a bit wet…a quick shower before rushing to the door. Her makeup is okay…but this color makes her eyes deeper…like she’s more mature. At a closer look I see dark circles around her eyes and I can tell she doesn’t sleep well at nights…

Her purse is open and I’m curios…maybe a brief look…just a glimpse inside her world. Sleeping pills and…wait…those are for loosing weight. Oh, they wont help…not as long as she’s using food to comfort her broken heart. She’s forcing herself to sleep because every sleepless night makes her terribly aware of every fail…But, after all, what do I know?

She sees me starring and she’s grabbing her purse with stressed gestures. What’s there that’s so precious to her? Maybe a jewelery? I wonder who gave it to her? I’m studying her left hand and I see…her wedding ring left a red trace. She’s touching that red trace from time to time. Oh, I can almost sense the sadness…the wedding ring should be there…she wants it to be there…

So, where’s her love? Is she waiting for him? Oh, look at her eyes…all bright…The thought that she’s in love brings tears into my eyes. I wish I could see them…I can almost imagine him, holding her tight, telling her how much he missed her, stroking her long hair, protecting her. I do hope she feels loved because she seems so fragile and lost…

The alarm! I set it for ten minutes. And she did the same, copying my childish action. We laugh together. I feel close to her, like she’s a part of my life. Would it be very strange…or very wrong…to just go to her and hug her?

-I’m sorry, Madam…would you want me to pack the mirror too? Along with the closet you bought? Madam…

The delivery boy! And now she disappeared…Wait! What mirror?

-What mirror???

-I’m sorry…I just saw you admiring that mirror…it’s an antique…but we have a special offer and…Where…

I run outside and the cold wind is drying my tears. My purse is open and I’m scared. No, it’s more. I’m afraid, I’m terrified and I want back…back home…where my wedding ring still lays on my pillow…It left a red trace on my finger so I had to take it out…

I will go home, but first…I will be brave…this time I will be brave!

-I know it may sound weird, but did you saw a woman here, standing in front of me? I think she was waiting too…

-Nope. Just you, Madam…you admired the mirror for ten minutes so I thought you want to buy it…

One last attempt to gain lucidity.

-So, where’s the mirror now? Did it disappeared just like magic?

He smiles visibly amused.

-In front of you, Madam…no one took it…

The woman in the mirror smiles back at me. She’s kind, strong, courageous, honest and beautiful. And me…I’m proud that she choose to reflect herself through my eyes.

 

Will you love me ’till the end?

Here we are again, laying on the green, fresh grass, our fingers crossed, our eyes gazed at the blue skies above us. I’m smiling to the fluffy clouds and the sun, the moon with all the stars are smiling back at me…

-I never gave up on you, I kept my promise to wait and I kept you and our love untouched…

I turn to him and I read it in his eyes…He’s honest. He needs to say these words and all I want from him is to keep this beautiful silence. I’m guilty and my guilt has no music, no sound, no rhythm.

-We are meant to be and, no matter how hard you try to deny it, what’s meant to be, will come true in the end. You are my mate, my one and only, from all the human beings ever born into this world. My eternity will be with you.

He drew this perfect picture for me unaware of the fact that I’m not staying. His world will never be my world. It’s a question of faith, a question of destiny. But it feels so peaceful, so safe to just lay here with him and I just wish to hear the passing of the fluffy clouds…

-You come to me when the world you call “real” is tiring your soul. You come here broken, full of painful memories. You run to me every time he pushes you away. But, beloved,…you call me “shadow” when you’re my only reality. And I need you, I can’t breath without you, I wont live without you.

I do it, yes…where else would I go? It’s cold outside, it’s dark and it’s lonely. I didn’t break any promise either, I just crossed a very thin line. He talk about love but…what does he know? Love left me broken, with scars and insecurities. Love blinded and wounded me. No more…

-I pray for the truth to be revealed. For you to look back and to decide where you truly belong. For him to wake up one day without finding you there, in his bed. For us…to embrace, to welcome the end together. My faith guided you to me, back to me. Please, don’t let your faith drive you away…

“I have to go” I whisper and he knows I’m leaving him again. For as long as God allows me to stay strong. Without falling apart…I will come back, I promise we’ll face the end together. The end of Love…

Because there, where he belongs, there’s no light in the darkness. And shadows are dancing on the rhythm of their lost love.

He wants this dance and he dreams of endless nights of passion. He loves me because I’m his only reality. He needs me to be fragile, he needs me to depend on him. I do…from time to time…

“Will you love me ’till the end?”

“The end is so far away, honey, it’s hard to…What’s that? I swear I just saw a shadow near you. And now it’s gone…weird…Anyway, what were you saying?”

“Nothing, really…Nothing.”