Before our hearts go to their graves…

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You don’t know how it feels, but I do. Oh, Lord, how I learned through tears of blood and excruciating pains! So you’re going to stay right here, without a single word, without moving a single muscle. And don’t you dare to cry now. The tears are all mine.

I’m staying, alright…where am I supposed to go anyway?

I murdered it with my bare hands. The hands that held you, turned into a weapon. How does it feel? It wasn’t a feeling of greatness, I wasn’t feeling all mighty. It humbled me, it crushed me to see it fighting for a breath of air. For a glance of hope. And no, you’re not allowed to have this shocked expression on your face. Not this time. You made me do it, so take your part of guilt and responsibility.

I had to, what was I supposed to do? It was destroying my life.

Yeah, I imagined it did. So you had no choice but to turn me into a murderer. Did you enjoy it? The light you saw and loved in me, turned into cruel lightnings. The passion turned into desperation. But let me tell you something…it did not die in peace. It struggled to survive. I killed it more than once. Endlessly. And it kept coming back to life. No, you wont have a panic attack this time. You have to hear it.

The right choice and the right path…we should be proud of ourselves. Right?

I buried it alive. And then I had to listen to its agony every single night. Do you know that I heaven’t slept in years? Do you know that my nightmares are haunting me even now, as we speak? Do you know why?

How am I supposed to know? 

Because TRUE LOVE never dies in peace.

Oh.

No matter how much you try to push it into the friend zone.

Well…

No matter how you lie to yourself that you made the right choice.

I…

No matter how weak you feel for your passionate desires.

I swear…

No matter if your heart is an open wound that will keep bleeding till you take it to its grave.

I swear I never…

No words! This is my turn to speak. May you be cursed with TRUE LOVE. May your body and mind have no rest until you revive it. May your nights be sleepless until you make this dream come true.

I swear…

Don’t swear, you don’t know what sacred means until you’ll look into the deepest of your soul and you’ll see love dying in vain…

Stop it, shut up and listen! I’m brave because you made me brave. I’m strong because you made me strong. I’m alive because you brought me back to life. And I swear…

…I never ever stopped loving you. Nor I will…

 

 

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She’s in love with another fool…

32803-xlI hugged him even tighter, almost afraid that I might lose him in this crowded, colorful place. “I guess we came where we were supposed to…” he said, but the loud music covered his voice. Masks, laughs, lights, colors…his blue eyes looking through me, beyond me. Starring at the beautiful ballerina and her dance partner, he seemed to forget I’m there too…

I took my eyes from him for just a second, following a playful little light…and he was gone, like he would have been just a romantic fantasy of mine…

She fell. The beautiful ballerina fell. And, in that terrible, dramatic moment, the music stopped. All the masks turned to watch her crying in agony. All of them, forming a big, thick, dark wall around her. I can’t see her, but their voices…oh, how loud…Oh, how cruel!

-What a fool, to fall like this! I thought she’s better than this!” (the woman wearing the crown)

“-She has no dignity to cry like that, in front of us all!” (the lady with the long black dress)

“-And she ruined the party! What a selfish, self-centered brat!” (the old couple)

“-He pushed her intentionally! All men are the same! Aggressors, liars, cheaters!” (the two women dancing with each other)

“-No, it’s only her fault! For being weak, for allowing him to abuse her!” (the man with high voice)

“-Poor girl, you broke your leg. But I understand you…We, women, would do anything for love!” (the middle age woman with a broken rib)

“-She needs to find and to heal the deep pain that made her stay in an abusive situation…” (the therapist)

“-Not at all! She needs a man in her life, a real man! To take care of her needs.” (the man with the black mask)

“-What she needs is to follow her man, to ask God for wisdom when he treats her…not so delicately. ” (the medieval priest)

“-So, where was God when she got hurt? Nowhere, right? She needs to live her life, to enjoy the present because that’s all she has!” (the atheist)

“-Here, take these pills! You’ll be free of pain!” (the trembling-hands woman)

“-Hahaha, you fools! She’s just pretending! Look at her, she’s just desperate for attention!” (the cruel-voice clown)

“LEAVE HER ALONE!” (me)

I really had no choice, but to push them away. To give her my coat and to help her stand. To open my eyes.

sad_ballerina_new_image_color_expression_hd-wallpaper-1576313-540“Leave me alone…you…all of you!”

They left. What remained was the pain. And him, standing beside me.

-Why did you pushed me?

-I did not.

-Don’t lie. It hurts more than the wound itself.

-Baby, I did not. I fell and I dragged you with me.

-Why didn’t you let me go when you felt like falling.

Tears rolled down from his blue eyes.

Because I love you too much to let you go.

She’s a fool, in love with another fool. She knows it and still, she’ll follow him to the moon and back. Because she loves him too much to let him go.

I’ll be holding you…endlessly…

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Here I am, at the gates of your castle…

“I faced storms and demons, devils and snakes. Please let me in, my King…”

But the walls are just too high and you can’t hear me calling…

Still, here I stand…

“I learned skills and ways, abilities you never imagined…just to catch your eyes. Please look at me, my Love…”

But the light shines too bright and your eyes got tired…

And I’m still knocking on a closed door…

“I died inside and I became new, I broke down and I rose above the ashes. Please love me, my Everything…”

But hearts don’t rise up these days, they just survive a continue, endless fall…

So I died once again.

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What touched you so deeply? What moved you so intimately? What was the key?

The smell of burning wings…you said.

The sound of reborn…you whispered.

A heart shaped tear, more precious than a mountain of diamonds…you smiled.

Still, the gates remained closed in the face of my prayers.

So I climbed the walls. And I broke the chains. I flew with the wind and I fought the monsters inside me. I ran to you, I awaken your weary eyes and I demanded what’s mine.

Your love.

Here I am, at the gates of your castle. Would you let me in? To hold you endlessly…in my heart.

 

Lured into the danger…

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I thought we’re more when we were less…

His eyes are like water, they change color depending on who’s disturbing their clarity. He’s smiling and the greenest waves of passion are flowing from these eyes I only begun to know, into mine. He’s smiling because of my foolishness.

Still, today we wont do our silly routines of chatting about small things. Today I am sad. See, being a dreamer has its costs, but who am I to protest? Who am I to demand or to even ask him to play it my way…

Who am I to see more behind his watery eyes?

Who am I to trouble the clarity of his untouched dream? Just because…

I took my masks off a moment too early and it was awkward. My anguishes, my fears, my demons, my world! Who gave me the right to create this freak show in front of him? This wasn’t in the script! This wasn’t in his perfect fantasy! So now I’m facing the shame…

I proved myself to be unworthy of his trust. Hey, what’s new? Is not like it would be the first time…when I’m blinded by my ridiculous faith in people. Kindness will be rewarded with kindness and trust will be honored through honesty. Really?

Of course not. I was only kidding. Relax, we’re best buddies. Oh, kidding again! What a weird sense of humor!

I watched him leaving and it was a bitter-sweet feeling. I cried a little, then I remembered that you cannot lose something you never had. And I did something…I gave him a fortune cookie with one single line on it. A question. He’ll read it in the privacy of his happy home.

“Why do you call yourself an Eagle if you just stay there, locked into such a tiny cage?”

No more of that, I promise. I was lured into the danger of believing we’re friends. Not anymore. But I have to admit it…he role-played it perfectly. No hard feelings about that.

Be brave, fearful eagle! Who knows what you might find behind your own mask…

And be happy. For real.

 

You’ll smile and say you missed me…

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I’ll see you standing there, in the golden light. That’s when rivers of crystalline tears will make my eyes shine brightly. You’ll smile and I will remember everything…

Our very first moment…you took me into your arms and I felt complete…for the first time, only with you, only for you…

I recognized you even if I never saw you before…I loved you and I lost you and then I loved you more…in all the ages of humanity, different but the same, searching one another through time…

My reason denied you, my rigid vision of life pushed you away, still you stayed…because you knew…I need to be saved from myself…I need to be released from this prison of false righteousness…

You wanted me to know love in its purest form, to be free to fly…to fulfill my destiny…

I was stubborn, I was childish, I was scared. The feeling was too intense, so I ran away…

You never tried to convince me…you just stayed there, with arms wide open, with a forgiving heart and a love that can move mountains…

And I learned that true love is not about seduction. It has nothing to do with any scenario, with clever lines made to deceive. It’s not a hurricane that leaves you broken…

True love fulfills destinies. Even if we’re worlds apart. Even in the solitude of a world that will never understand, will never accept, will never forgive…

I’ll see you standing there, in all the beauty and majesty of a sky I only begun to contemplate. My torn heart will find rest in the light of your eyes. You’ll smile and say you missed me and I’ll be lost for words…

In your arms, that’s the only way I’m crossing the bridge…

With you for ever, that’s the only way I’m spending my eternity…

Yours…that’s the only way I’ll ever be…

Please wait for me, my love…

…at the gates of Heaven.

 

 

Longing to be saved…

4619299022He stops the car into the emptiness of the dead field. It used to be all green and beautiful, filled with colorful flowers and dancing butterflies. 

I must have said it in a loud voice, because he has a bitter laugh.

“Yeah…and this car used to be functional. And you used to be more supportive, more positive about things…Life changes, babe…Eh, well…let’s see if I can fix it, or we’re going to spend the night here on this damn field!”

The tiny mirror from the car reflects my tired eyes. I’m tired of wasting dreams…

Why can’t we ask for help?

He ignores me, but I know the answer, I saw it too many times…this pride is killing our love through resentments and vanity. And maybe he’s right, I should be more supportive…

The lights are blinding me and I can’t see who’s in that other car. What are they doing here? Will they stop to help us or maybe to take us back to town? But the other car doesn’t stop, they’re driving in circles around us.

What’s wrong with these people, can’t they see we need help?

Someone from the other car opens the door while they’re still driving. He’s throwing something towards us…

Broken glasses. A stone…

Another one.

Screams and blood and smoke.

How could they? We’re hurt and alone, defenseless and frightened. What kind of people don’t stop to help us?

“People like you and me, babe. Very skilled in criticizing and throwing stones at each other. Let’s hear, tell me how I destroyed your life once again!”

I remember how it all started. We were fighting and I said the words. I blamed him for destroying my life. And we just got lost, loosing track of time, forgetting our common destination.

He comes to me and breaks the car’s door with bear hands. Savage hands. I need these hands to embrace me, to give me strength, to comfort and to save me. He touches me and I froze, knowing now…we wont survive this time…

Green…flowers…love…you…stop!”

He stops the car and we’re in the middle of the dead field. Was it a nightmare, or the nightmare is just about to begin? He cups my face and the warmth in his eyes is melting down all of my fears.

“I need to fix this.”

“No, please, don’t go out. Something horrible is going to happen, I’ve seen it all before…”

But he’s already gone and I’m breaking down in tears.

A gentle, delicate smell and a tender touch…

images“A flower? Here? On the dead field?”

He smiles.

“This flower survives even the most terrible winters. See how fragile she is? And still so strong, just like you. Just like us. She survives cold, loneliness, desperation. Our love is longing to be saved and we’re the only ones…”

I prayed for a hero, I was longing to be saved…

I know it now. Every prayer is listened, even when the answer is right under our eyes…

 

 

 

 

Mesmerized

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His fingers rest -for what it seems to be an eternity- on her delicate neck. So pale, so tender and fragile, what a sweet temptation for his egocentric fantasies. To rule her world.

He smiles. The sweet sound of surrender when he takes her closer, so close that their shadows become one and she’s nothing but an extension of his strong body.

Leaning over, he kisses the pale, cold body of hers, and whispers something they only know. Is it a promise? Is it a request? Is it a plead with destiny? The kiss was shallow, but his eyes hold flames of passion and unspoken desires.

He takes her in his arms and she trembles under the hungrily touches. To discover, to create, to break boundaries and to find harmony into this chaotic sounds of love. This is his aim, this is what he does best. She’s helpless, but she never was a prey. Always his goddess.

Her whispers becomes screams and the screams become music. He feels redeemed by her undying need for more. His own need -to be the ruler of this fairy tale kingdom of hearts- is fulfilled in tears, in agony, in desperation, in ecstasy.

He’s tired but the shine in his eyes is undeniable. He kisses her neck once more before gently laying her pale body next to him. He reaches his hands to the sky in a silent prayer. A gesture of gratitude.

“Thank you, Father, for I am blessed with Your gift.”

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And the crowd is calling his name, again and again. Their ovations are loud and honest, since they witnessed an act of love.

And my heart is broken.

He finds me and takes my hand. I’m cold and I’m trembling.

He looks deep into my eyes. He kisses my fingers.

A little girl gave him a red rose. He puts it in my hair. The crowd cheers his gesture louder and louder. Their voices are sincere, since they witnessed an act of talent.

“Say something, darling, this silence is becoming awkward.”

And I am mesmerized.

“Make love to me like you did with her…”

“What? Are you drunk? I was in concert all morning, in front of you! You insecure, crazy, jealous witch!”

He takes his violin and leaves me there, with his cheerful gallery of fans. They’re laughing, seeing my tears streamed face.

They are right. They witnessed an act of betrayal.

 

Facing the moonlight…

Stars_Crescent_Boys_Little_girls_Night_Two_Roof_514739_1151x1024I know this restless feeling inside you, why are you hiding your eyes? You’re twisting and turning in your sleepless storms inside. Come outside, be like you used to be! Just for one night. 

I was just a child.

No, you were so much more…Tell me, what child spends hours in the late night talking to a lonely planet? What child prays for wings to fly far away from the only home she ever knew?

I was just scared.

But you smiled through your tears. You reached out your tiny hand to me, through darkness, coldness and desperation. You promised!

I was just lonely.

You had something so honest, so sweet and innocent in this loneliness of yours. Remember how hard you tried to understand? 

I was just naive.

You opened the windows, ready to face the darkness and you saw light. Your smile was the prettiest I ever saw. I had to keep you smiling. So I draw little stars on the frozen glass. You created a shelter around my little stars. A heart. Yours.

I was just desperate.

I touched your face, it was icy cold. I decided to stay with you, to create a cradle of light around you. I wanted you to know, to deeply feel that you’re never alone. I gave you the brightness and the sparkling stars in a lifetime of white nights.

I was just blind. What do you want from me now, after so many wasted years?

To keep your promises.

To open the windows and to face the moonlight.

To become fearless when your world is cold.

To dare to love. More every day. 

To have faith.

I will and I know. Who you are. I do remember now. Who I am…

He smiled and turned away, disappearing in the unseen face of the moon…

 

 

You know how flames can hypnotize…

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I will blame the full moon for my loss of reason, I will take no responsibility at all. I will assume that I’m too weak to resist, so I wont fight at all. I will let them win. Flames. Temptations. Attractions. Desires. They’ll lead me to the gates of hell and that’s exactly where I need to be.

“Do you want to dance?”

I do and I don’t. His blue eyes are filled with promises of lust and agony. But I can’t dance, I’m too busy running away from myself. I’m going deeper and further into this fire, but still, no one will see the burns. They’re hidden, secret scars, unspoken and unknown.

“Do you want to lay in my arms, here under the starry skies?”

With lazy, seductive gestures, he shows me his own paradise, convinced that, once I’ve seen it, I wont be able to say no. Sweet naivety, you are truly the fools blessing! I’m here searching for the gate to hell! Don’t ask me why am I going there, don’t!

“Or maybe you need someone to talk to…”

Or maybe not, since the effort of quieting the voices inside me left me breathless. I wont even try to be polite, I wont even pretend that I don’t know his true intentions. But he’s not, he’s fake…he doesn’t hold the keys, so I’ll simply walk away with my sarcastic smile.

“Or just a shoulder to cry on…”

Little does he know that my tears dried and my pain is a silent one. And even if he would know, why would he care? A meaningless expression of an impossible friendship. So much compassion and care here, on our way to destruction. Ironic, right? Where the forever flames burn high, there is no time, nor place for tears.

“Do you want to join us?”

Moment of truth. How should I play it? We’re at the gates of hell, surrounded by burning flames and deep temptations. Faith, honor, honesty and friendship mean nothing in here. Care and compassion, love and tolerance are simple words meant to bring us closer…

There’s only one way. With the sweetest smile and the gentlest voice, soft moves and a polite approach.

“Full moon brought me here and I was too weak to resist…”

“That’s good, we love your fragility.”

“Will you open the gates of hell for me? Just once? Please…”

“Why?”

“Because you know…flames always hypnotized me, just like your eyes. To dance in the flames, to let them burn the very last trace of light…I need you to open the gates for me…because maybe I’m just too weak…to do it myself.”

The yellowed eyes demon smiles. His arrogance is my advantage. He opens the gates of hell for me, at the right time…

…to grab her by her reaching arms and to pull her out. Out of the hell. 

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Sometimes it’s not enough…

To just stay in a safe place, on a green hill, surrounded by golden light.

Sometimes, a cry for help comes straight from hell. Addiction, abuse, depression, eating disorder, suicide attempts, obsession…Call it as you chose. I will call them hell.

And I will cross the bridge to get there. In the heart of their agonizing pain.

The deep burning scars I’m getting…I guess I’m just blessed…

God heals me every time.

 

Because our hearts are intertwined…

preview16I said the words in whole honesty because there are things you cannot lie about. Fears you cannot hide from. I admitted in front of God, right before taking this path into the dark alley…

I said “God, I’m afraid of 2018. I’m frightened! Because 2017 was like a hurricane and I’m surprised I got to hide so efficiently. A storm after another, so I stayed safe. Hidden. Now, without a hiding place, what if the wild winds will tear apart my weakened heart?”.

Then I woke up on the dark alley, lost. The sweet sounds of music and the beautiful colors made my heart rush in joy. I am saved! Where there’s music, there are people! I wont be lonely anymore! So here I am…

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Hey, am I the only one seeing the angel? Am I the only one seeing YOU?

It seems so. 

And why does this jukebox play the same song over and over again?

Because you never truly listen, do you?

And why are you here?

To take your hand and to guide you into your story. 

The jukebox plays its sweet notes while I see…I see myself in his arms. The bitter-sweet nostalgia overwhelms me and…that’s how the hurricanes always start. Because I never seem to give in! I fight and I scream and I beg and I curse for something I’ll never have again in my life!

Please stop.

Not until you understand.

What? Why?

The lesson. To forgive him and to forgive yourself. Love has so many forms, so many ways. Who are you to put it into a pattern? Do you want to be loved or do you simply look for the perfect picture? 

I look down. The angel is right. I will embrace the love the way it is!

The song goes sweeter and I see me, exactly the way I look now, holding my children tight in my arms. There is so much love in our eyes. This is my Heaven…

Don’t…don’t let it fade away. What is the lesson now? How could it be anything wrong in this image of love?

Can’t you see? Open your eyes. 

I don’t understand. They are my life!

Exactly. And life is so much more! You live through them and that’s not fair. Your lesson is clear and simple. Allow yourself to be happy. Accept who you are, the whole you! The mother, the daughter, the wife, the woman…

It’s not that simple.

I know. That’s why I’m taking you further into your story. Are you ready for the future?

I see myself standing by the jukebox. I’m serene, with a peaceful smile on my face. Alone. So this is it? This is my future?

Yes.

What kind of an angel are you? Take me back! My biggest fear is loneliness and you knew it! This future is a nightmare and I can’t understand why am I smiling! I should be crying…

When are you going to BELIEVE? Just a little…

I see people coming, from all around me. Smiling, dressed in white, carrying the light blue of the sky in their eyes.

Who are they? Am I surrounded by angels?

They’re your friends. People like you.

They seem nice, but I don’t know them…

Still, you prayed for them. You guided them into light and love through your prayers and good thoughts. And you gave them your heart.

My heart? I guided them? I’m not that pure and my faith is not that strong…

This is your lesson. Every human being was given a special gift. A special power to shine. Only that…you cannot shine unless your gifts are intertwined. 

Because our hearts are intertwined…

If you only knew the power of your intertwined hearts, there would be no more fears, no more wars, no more loneliness…

I’m back to the dark alley, but now I see lights shining bright on my way. I don’t need to hide anymore, I don’t need to fear. As long as my little light can shine for others to see it, I know you’ll see me too…