Pure again

Back to that moment again…

When “I need to be strong” made no sense in your mind. It was okay to dream that someone will be strong for you. Your prince on a white horse, coming to rescue you from the noise and ambiguity around you.

And he would make everything crystal clear. For everyone around you, so their words would meet his armor of love and nothing would touch your heart. Only his love. He would carry you in his arms through all the battles. Your hero.

Remember, you used to be so kind. Compassionate and sweet. Fragile and yet so brave. Innocent and wise. Pure. Where are you, child of Light?

Back to that moment again…

I’m here…can you see me? Can you hear my voice? I’m the little girl in the white dress, chasing butterflies and laughing…This beautiful garden is my home…

And here…here are my dreams. They’re so vivid, so colorful, so bright! I can touch them! I can play and I can fly…Can you see my Paradise?

He’s with me. Our love is innocent and that’s its force. It moves mountains, it crosses oceans, it keeps us free…The river…can you see it shining? The water is pure Light and it’s crystal clear. We’re bathing our hearts in the river of life. Only love, he whispers…

Back to that moment again…

Clear your heart, go deep and set it free. No trace of hate…Rest there, let your soul find peace…Believe…Believe again…Love is a river of Light and you don’t need to be strong. You always was…In your deepest vulnerability, you had no fault. Their words left scars, deep scars but…look at your heart…it shines stronger than ever. Where are you now?

Back to that moment again…

My moment of innocence and I wont ever come back. This is home, this is me! 

She is the bravest girl I ever met. Not only because she overcame the trauma of a repeated abuse, not only because she chose life…She fell in love again. She believed.

And today, almost two years from our therapy session, she came to invite me to her wedding. A little white rose was attached to the soft paper. With a note saying…

Pure again. Believing again. In love. Back to that moment again, when God opened the door of Heaven for me…

 

 

 

 

 

Speak the words I need to hear!

I don’t remember ever seeing a spark of joy in her eyes. But I know their color…dark brown, very deep and melancholic. And I know how HATE looks in the eyes of a ten years old child. Her name is Emily.

He laughed first, but, seeing me so touched, his tone changed into compassion. Or, maybe, that’s what I wanted to hear…”Oh, dear…I thought your school was the best in town…you know, the kind of school for fancy kids. And now you’re telling me that…THIS creature was your classmate? I’m sure you’re mistaking her for someone else. For God’s sake, Claudia! Don’t go to her! She’s coughing, you’re gonna get us all sick!

But I’m ignoring him. Someone told me long ago that charity means much more than giving food or money to the poor…it means holding their hand and looking into their eyes and…speaking words of kindness and respect…So, here I am, gently touching her hand…

-Emily?

She’s looking at me so scared and confused and I’m suddenly so embarrassed. Why, from all days, I had to wear this expensive bracelet? When she’s begging for food…

-No, Miss…I don’t know Emily. Leave me alone!

And now I’m sure it’s her…I saw this look…it still hurts…

-Please, Emily…just come with me to our…emm…to my table. I’ll buy you anything you want and something cold to drink…

She’s following me, still looking down. My offer was irresistible and the smell of food, the cold lemonade, my smile…make her relax a little.

-Well, Miss…you can thank the Social Services from me! This pizza is de-li-ci-ous! A beer would be good…Lemonade is for kiddies! Can you buy me a beer?

I’m ordering a beer, making a discreet sign to the waiter…to bring us a non-alcoholic beer. I ask her if she remembers me from our primary school. She says no so I insist…giving her names, places, any details that would help…

-Look, Miss…I was a troubled kid. My head (she’s beating her head) didn’t worked. So I got spanked every day. He used a long stick…Every day. And the kids laughed. This girl…she cried once. Then I was spanked harder…I made her cry…Phewww (she’s spitting). What was your name, again?

I’m pale and shaking but I repeat my name. I see it again. HATE. But this time I’ll say the right words!

Emily…please hear me. That day is still haunting me. We were reading our homework…a short essay about what we love the most. When I read mine, he…our teacher…

-Yes, he said he’ll frame your essay. He cried. I was happy to see him crying. I thought he’ll go easier with the rest of us…

He cried and he said that I wrote the words he was longing to hear for years. He said I’m an angel on earth. And then…

-It was my turn. I had nothing to read cause I loved nothing and no one. And no one loved me. So I knew he’ll spank me. But he was much more cruel…

He made you learn by heart my essay. For every mistake, for every missing word, you would be spanked ten times more. You tried to learn and I tried to apologize in your name. He didn’t listened…

-He spanked me really hard. I learned NOTHING of your piece of shit. And I didn’t cried. You cried. YOU. You had no right to cry! Give me that beer!

Please forgive me, Emily. I was a child too, just like you…He was wrong. No child, no matter what, no one deserves to be abused. He was…he IS the one to blame. Not you. Not me. I want to help you now, please accept…

She’s spitting the beer.

-What’s this crap? That’s not beer! Non-al-co-ho-lic! I still know how to read! Your beer is bullshit! And your apologies too! I don’t want your money, Miss! You come to me like you’re some kind of queen! Some kind of angel! Yeah, right! Do you know what I was thinking when he hit me the hardest? I was looking in your eyes…imagining…that YOU feel my pain!

I did…

She didn’t heard me. She left cursing me. I returned to my husband feeling so sad and defeated…

Go on…tell me…I was wrong to go to her…She said I had no right to cry…

“No, honey…it was just pointless. More pain? More tears? Why can’t you let it go?”

Because spanking a child is never right. It’s abuse and I was silent for too long. And I’m no angel, but I was given a Gift. A voice. And I will use it to speak the words they need to hear…

You are my heaven on earth…

So, this is not a confession after all. Tell me, sweet child, what is the sin I’m supposed to absolve? You only spoke about love…

I tried to stop myself from crying but his kindness was unexpected. In all my crisis, in all my weakness, he was always there. From the very beginning…from my first confession…The only one who’s still calling me “sweet child” even if I’m a grown up with children of my own.

My confession today was so different…yes, I spoke about love. A love that saved me from the deepest darkness. A love descending from Light, from Heaven. Pure and untamed. He listened and he smiled. He understood that no sin was committed…He knew it and he didn’t needed me to explain…

I see this glow around you, this light in your eyes. And I’m grateful I came to live this day even if…and I think I’m the only one…I never lost hope. Remember when you told me to stop praying for you? It happen almost an year ago. You said that the prayers can’t reach to the place where you’re going…

I’ll never forget. A dark night in November. The cold rain on my window and my ravished soul. My eyes hurting, swollen from too much crying. A wrong decision. No one knew, but that night changed my destiny. There, in the darkness of the night, with the cold rain on my face, one step from falling…I decided that I want to live.

And not even then…you were not a sinner. Just a lost child. I prayed someone will find you and bring you Home. So, sweet child, can you forgive a rose for needing the sunlight? Or should you judge the sunflower for turning its petals to feel more warmth? Will I blame the lost lamb for running into the arms of the shepherd? If I would, my child, it would mean I lived my 82 years in vain. And it would show my limited faith…My own lack of love…

I am in love. This innocent and yet powerful feeling is the brightest part of me. I treasure it, I keep it safe in my heart and I cherish it by being a better person. He sees the best in me, so I’ll give my best.

Sweet child, today I won’t absolve you from your sins…today I will give you my blessing. Love. Do good. Love more. And don’t forget me in your prayers…

Remember…Heaven is filled with souls that, here on Earth, were called “sinners”. And these beautiful sinners had one thing in common: their love was greater than any human judgement…

You say you’ve cried a thousand rivers

So, can you rescue me from drowning? I’ve got my own sea of tears…

And now, that you’ve found your safe place, will you remember I’m still there, in the deep, dark woods? Where silence is the only music and my voice can’t possibly reach out to you. And I still pray…

Another lifetime, a different place…the same actors. You and me. The joy of finding each other, the terrifying feeling when you thought you lost me. The desperation in your embrace…when you saw me smiling in the golden light. And you knew I’m alive…I’m still alive, how about you?

The words have a limited power…but your silence can kill…I said terrible things, I cursed, I begged, I screamed out your name…no shame in making a fool out of myself. I fought. For us and against you. Against your silence. But my voice was still the only sound piercing the silence…

I packed my bags so many times in my mind. I ran away more than I’ll ever remember…I left you and yet…I took you with me…in my pain. I died again and again trying to kill the hunger in me. My hunger for love. Your love…How funny is that…I still want more even when you give me nothing…

And if I cry now, you’ll think I’m crazy…and if I scream now, you’ll feel attacked…and if I’ll walk away now, you’ll blame the destiny. And you’ll still say nothing. But it’s alright, my dear one, maybe it’s time to blame the destiny…Because you were my destiny…

I said I’m drowning in this sea of tears. I lied…I’m already there…lying helpless at the bottom of your thousand rivers, a silent waterfall inundating my soul. The world looks so bright from the other side, my darling. And you look safe. Behind the lines of our battlefield, a strange light is covering the ruins…of what was supposed to be my shelter.

Don’t look back…the ghost of our love is still haunting you.

Don’t get lost into my eyes…you wont find peace there.

Don’t ask me absurd questions. I am enjoying the silence.

 

 

I never meant to start a war…

Not against you. Never against you…

He held my hands in his and I could sense the guilt in his voice…but his piercing blue eyes had something harsh…like a long lost warrior, finally coming home…

Do you remember? I do…

14 years ago…

This is a nightmare and it’s going to end very, very soon. Don’t faint…control your breathing…it’s not the moment…for a panic attack. Their waiting for me…to say something. It’s just playing. Pure improvisation. We’re actors and this is an optional school class. Remember? Your choice, to keep your scholarship…And now you’re supposed to play yourself, ten years from now. Get yourself together!

-I always loved you, Claudia…it took me ten years to admit it…and to be brave enough to confess my love to you…Do you feel the same? You’re so silent…just leave me this hope…don’t say a word, just let me show you how beautiful and magical can be this world…The world outside your golden cage…

I have to say something…why can’t I? What’s wrong with me? Ryan is only acting. Oh! My! God! My fiancee is in the audience…and the lights are on me…please God…make this stop!

I turned white, like a ghost, I know it…where? where are we going? Are we leaving the stage? Will I ever wake up?

-A glass of water, she’s losing conscience! Breath, please breath…what have I done?!? You know it was just acting, right? I didn’t meant…

I can’t stop crying…his shirt smells like musk…and his fingers through my hair…I cried on his shirt and people will see…and my mascara…no, don’t…don’t stop…your lips…this sweet pressure…I’m falling…

present days

-It took me more than ten years to come to you…to tell you how sorry I am. I took advantage of your vulnerability. A real man, a man of honor never does this.

-Look, we were both kids. How old were we? 20…21…? And I was oversensitive. I froze, don’t even remember how everything ended…

-I kissed you…right there, behind the scene. I had no right, but…you were so sweet, so sad and lonely, so desperate…so I kissed you like I knew he’ll never kiss you…Then I heard the sound of steps…people were coming…I didn’t wanted to expose you even more than I did…

-Yes…my fiancee was among the people. We almost broke up that evening…but…as you can see…

-Are you happy? Please don’t look down, it’s just a simple question.

I have the family I always wanted. I should be happy…

-I’m sorry to hear, I really hoped it was going to be different for you.

-I’m happy…

-Yeah, right. Then why I see traces of tears in your eyes? Why are you blocking every feeling, every emotion? Why don’t you stop me right now, when I’m about to take you in my arms and to never let you go?

-I don’t know. I swear, Ry…I wish I knew what’s wrong with me…

-Fourteen years. That’s what’s wrong with you. I told myself that it was better, that I was acting in your interest…Know what? These were only excuses. I was afraid to fight for you. I ran away. That’s what’s wrong…

If you were afraid, then…just let it be. Because when you’re in a war against your own feelings, you’re always loosing. So, just let it be peace. And let it be love. For the one who never ran away…

 

Soldier, take off your armor!

He was holding the Bible like a stone ready to be thrown…

-and put down the stone, please…

I froze…the whole church was starring at me. I looked at my husband, sitting next to me, I knew I’m embarrassing him…and all I wanted was to disappear quickly, leaving no trace, no memory…But it wasn’t the case…I spoke the words.

I looked around, searching for any help…no, this was supposed to be my battle. People around me had that amused/intrigued look in their eyes. I dared to argue with their famous preacher…

I was there for the concert…to raise founds for the children…I was tricked. They invited me in their church, acting friendly, yet distant…I heard someone saying “this is going to be interesting” and then the preacher started to…

…to spread hate. That’s all he did…And I should have walked away in the first moment…but I just stood there, I took my Rosary and I started to pray in my mind, trying to ignore…Then it was like something took control over me…and I spoke…asking him to put down the stone…

-It’s so sad that you see in our Bible a stone…And it’s making me angry! Can you see, my dear brothers and sisters? Can you see how the Catholic Church is brainwashing its people? She’s not to blame, she’s a victim, like so many others. Controlled by a wolf disguised in the softest lamb!

I tried to control the trembling of my voice. He looked straight in my eyes, waiting for a response. I looked at my Rosary…asking God to give that answer for me…through me.

And my voice sounded calm, soft, gentle.

-I wasn’t talking about the Holy Bible when I asked you to put down the stone…

-Oh, no? Let’s hear then, brothers, with an open heart…

-Thank you…I was only talking about this huge stone that’s crushing your heart. Can you put it down? Will you? In the name of God…

Someone in the audience approved me silently and someone else smiled at me. The preacher came closer and I saw something in his eyes…Was it fear? I continued in the same soft tone…

-Sometimes people forget…and it’s only human to forget…the essence of our faith. We get lost in our frustrations, in our anger, in our resentments. Do you remember the essence?

He smiled victoriously and took the Bible again in his hands, raising it up.

-Here. The Bible is the essence, the word of God!

-What about Love?

He became pale. I asked God, in my mind, to heal his heart. And then I saw his anger.

-You’re good with words, aren’t you? But that’s only natural…can you see, brothers, big words with nothing behind them. That’s their ideology…

No one approved him this time. I looked at the old lady sitting a bench away. Compassion…that was the emotion in her smile to me.

-Well, let’s see…I listened for an hour to your words. I prayed when your ideology attacked everything I love…I wasn’t going to say anything. Not a single word. But then you called yourself a soldier, so I’m asking you…who are you fighting for?

-God. I’m fighting for God.

-Are you? As a child of God…it doesn’t matter…Catholic or not…Christian or not…simply as a child of our Creator…I’m pleading with you…take off this armor of hate and look deep into your heart. And when you’ll find Him there, in your heart…you’ll also find Love and Forgiveness. And you wont have to fight anymore…only to Believe.

I turned my back and I left. I found myself almost running away, in the cold dark street. Alone, with tears on my face.

Suddenly I realized that someone is rushing to me. A girl I didn’t even saw there…she was crying.

-Please stop…this, what happen there…was so ugly! They had no right, no right at all to judge like they did. I’m sorry, please forgive me!

-Forgive you? You did nothing wrong…

-I was there and I was afraid to speak. I was a part of…that. Forgive me.

I hugged her and I assured her of all my forgiveness and love. And I knew, right then, that it all happen for a reason…

Because it’s only human to forget the essence of our faith. Love. Not religion, not an ideology, not a preacher or any other religious leader. Simply Love. 

So that our souls can be safe…

 

The Sunshine Blogger Award

What a wonderful surprise! My friend Aquib, a very talented blogger, nominated me to The Sunshine Blogger Award! Me, from all people…I cannot even find the words to express my gratitude to him and how privileged and special this makes me feel. So, thank you, Aquib and may it always be sunshine in your life!

Now I want to tell you a little about him and his amazing blog…When I first started to read, I was so touched…not only by his talent but also by his special way of expressing through words and images so many deep emotions, feelings, even life philosophies. He is a generous and carrying soul, writing with so much honesty and generosity about this world’s pain, about love and morality, about life and people. And his latest poem “The ballad of the wall” brought tears int my eyes…

So, if you want to know more and to discover a beautiful and special soul, you can find him here:  https://aquibview.wordpress.com/

Here are the Sunshine Blogger Award Rules:

1.) Thank the person who nominated you in a blog post and link back to their blog.

2.) Answer the 11 questions sent by the person who nominated you.

3.) Nominate 11 other bloggers to receive the award and write them 11 new questions.

4.) List the rules and display the Sunshine Blogger Award logo in your post and/or on your blog.

Here are Aquib’s questions:

  1. Write five sentences about yourself?
  2. Have you ever been bullied in school and by whom, brief us about it?
  3. What do you do when you get angry?
  4. How do you describe this life?
  5. Have you ever betrayed or back stabbed someone for anything?
  6. Have you ever had a crush on someone besides any celebrity?
  7. What is so called ‘love’ to you?
  8. Where can you find the ultimate comfort?
  9. Have ever been to something that you arent supposed to, but you arrogantly did that?(anything) 
  10. Do follow any stereotype or any stereotype prevalent nowadays that you want to break, it must not need to be a typical media hype?(Like having an iPhone for eg, Or certain uncomfortable trendy dress that you hate) 
  11. How can you contribute to the society for being positive and respective towards each other, mainly the corruption that is seeding in the minds of young women and men because of obscenity, lust, fame etc.

And these are my answers:

  1. Five sentences about myself: My family matters the most for me. I am a psychologist, working for a religious (Catholic) foundation. Other than my work, I volunteer wherever I’m needed. I pray The Rosary every day. As a teenager, I dreamed of becoming a missionary.
  2. I was bullied in school, at different ages. Mainly by class mates (I was in a school mostly for girls) but in high school I had the unpleasant experience of being bullied by a teacher.
  3. When I get angry, if I can, I cry out all the anger inside…
  4. This life is a journey, a path to follow, a gift, a treasure, something so fragile and yet so precious.
  5. No. And, God’s willing, I never will.
  6. A crush on someone? When I first saw my husband (I was 16) it was…an instant crush 🙂
  7. Love is the force that keeps us alive. The reason this humanity still exists. My reason to smile, to forgive, to give more…
  8. When my children are hugging me…that warm embrace is my greater comfort. Other than this…in my faith.
  9. I almost ran away from home in a school trip…wasn’t arrogant, just desperate, I think.
  10. A stereotype I dislike…young girls or women wearing those fashionable black choker necklaces…I see it daily on the street.
  11. I promote tolerance towards each other, love and faith and a life build on decency and morality…through my own moral behavior and by educating my daughters to become strong, loving, decent woman.

I’m happy to nominate for the Sunshine Blogger Award, the next wonderful people. If, regardless of the reason, you don’t want to accept the award, that’s absolutely okay, you’re still wonderful and special to me. So, my nominees are:

  1. https://thesillysonic.wordpress.com/
  2. https://rupaligoyal.wordpress.com/
  3. https://thesparklingsuitcase.wordpress.com/
  4. https://snehdoshisite.wordpress.com/
  5. https://ahaana24.wordpress.com/
  6. https://pardeepnain.wordpress.com/
  7. https://isabellapiper.wordpress.com/
  8. https://thehappygirlnextdoor.wordpress.com/
  9. https://storybuss.wordpress.com/
  10. https://anansi2050.com/
  11. https://rosesunshine1314.wordpress.com/

And these are my questions:

  1. What is your strongest quality?
  2. Three things you can’t live without?
  3. How old were you when you fell in love for the first time?
  4. Describe your safe place.
  5. What is your favorite season?
  6. Your favorite song?
  7. If you could change anything about you, what would you chose?
  8. A food you can’t stand is…
  9. A quote that defines you is…
  10. What is the quality you appreciate the most in people?
  11. Your favorite moment of day is…

Thank you my dear friends, for your patience, I know this was a long, long post 🙂

Be blessed with sunshine all the way!

This is the hardest story…

So I’ll tell it in a soft voice, whispering the words like the wind whispers through the yellowed leafs…secrets of life itself…

Long, long time ago, in a far away place, there was a little prince. His big blue eyes had a certain gentleness that only noble souls are carrying. His smile had a note of blue, adding even more charm and sweetness to his figure. His firsts eleven springs on this far away place had the smell of blossomed cherry trees and the sound of birds chirping.

He knew stories about dragons and princesses. And he had a secret plan…to marry a princess one day, to build a stronger castle and to live…happily…ever after…

He used to talk to God. His faith was that strong…He believed that prayers are always listened. He trusted Heaven above to send an army of angels. Because he needed help…

His castle was under siege. A wild, tremendous dragon used to come every year. With red eyes and an unstoppable force…the dragon claimed sacrifice. And the little prince felt so helpless, so scared…

With tears in his eyes he confessed his fears in front of his beloved princess. She listened and the love and compassion grew ten times stronger in her soul. And her anger…they planned to escape. Summer, with its white roses would had been the perfect moment. To escape the red eyed dragon…

But summer came and the little prince never showed up…So she knew.

The dragon claimed a life. The life of a little prince. He was given wings to fly high, to join the army of angels.

It is unfair and deeply wrong. A little girl that never felt like a princess, never again. A world that ignored the evidence. A broken heart in a broken castle.

Humanity, where are you when little princes’s castles are under siege?

Dedicated to all the angels who flew to Heaven much too early, abused by the ones they trusted the most. And to my friend Sebastian…your princess never forgot you.

There’s an ocean between us…

They were fighting every night and you heard every word of hate and anger…

-Yes, I did. But I pretended that I’m sleeping in a deep deep and peaceful sleep. Adding this burden to their shoulders…that they’re keeping me from sleeping…well, it simply would have been too much!

-So, you were protecting your parents…how did you protect yourself?

I used to pretend that I don’t understand the words…that I’m from a different country…and I simply don’t speak their language. 

-But one night you heard a word that sounded the same…in their language as in yours.

No, not the same. Divorce…that was the word…for me it was tragedy.

-Tell me what happen.

I heard them fighting, I heard the word…it was 2 a.m. and I heard my mother opening the door to our balcony. And I was so afraid…I followed her to the balcony…she was crying, looking down…I thought she’ll jump…

-What did you tell her?

That I cannot imagine my life without the both of them…that if they divorce, I don’t want to live anymore. And that she has to stay for me. 

-How old were you?

I was nine…

– …and here I am, thinking, writing, dreaming…in a foreign language. With a sleep pattern from a different continent. Building relationships with people I’ll only meet on line…people from across the ocean…

He listened silently…this last part of my confession…I know it touched him deeply. He thought I’m perfect…he thought he knows me perfectly. But he asked…and I promised him honesty. If not love, let it be honesty…

I know this look on his face. I know his unspoken thoughts…”Why do you need this? Why can’t you settle with what we have?” 

You’re so far away…There’s an ocean between us…an ocean and no airplane, no helicopter, no submarine…can help you cross it. Only LOVE.

Because this ocean, we created it ourselves. First time when we pronounced the word. Divorce. But, you know, I’m still here…we did not burn every bridge…So, let’s say the right words and meet in the middle. TOGETHER.

It’s just the weight of the world

And you’re carrying it through storms and rain, fire and wild winds…

I heard his voice but I still couldn’t open my eyes. It was almost like hearing him from another world, another time…And I was lost there, in this magic sensation. His hands on my bare shoulders…

See…no more pain. You just pushed yourself too hard lately. Remember the secret place? Where you used to hide when we were kids? Remember when they searched for you for more than an hour? The doctor was waiting with…

-With the sharpest needle I ever saw. Ready to torture me!

He laughed, drawing an imaginary needle on my bare back.

-That big! You said you’d rather die than taking that painful treatment. 

-Yes. And you started to cry saying “nooo, don’t die!” But I wasn’t dying. I was just terrified by the pain…Stephan, I remember! The doctor gave YOU the injection!

He pulled me closer and the sudden move made me fall on the bed…

-Look what you did!

-What? I did nothing! You just needed an excuse to fall on my bed!

-Yeah, right…I’m sure you’d like to think so…

It took me by surprise how careless I was acting around him. And how easy it was for me to laugh…

Silly girl…you really think I took that painful treatment for you! It means I was a pretty good actor…Now, listen to the cruel reality…I arranged with the doctor to pretend that I’m in pain…

-Why? I remember how you screamed. And you cried like a little baby! I laughed a whole month…

I did it so you’d laugh and feel braver…I knew it would help you. The doctor said it was a brilliant idea!

-So you tricked me!

He turned my head so I could face him, but I couldn’t look into his eyes.

-What’s wrong?

-I don’t know. I have to go…

He stopped me from leaving. His arms were stronger than I remembered.

These tears…do you know what you’re doing now? You’re searching for a place to hide. Because, deep inside your heart, you’re still terrified of the pain. Any pain…Baby, I’m not here to cause you pain…I’m here to take away the burden from these delicate shoulders of yours. 

I looked deep into his eyes.

-I know, Stephan. I’m starting to realize it…But we both know what it will happen if I wont hide. The consequences of my brokenness will continue to break…every one I love. And this weighs more than the world itself…

Because my first choice will always be my family. And I’m afraid…not of my pain…

but of their own…