The cruelest day of June

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“Your lips must taste like cherries, so wild and yet so sweet,

I would caress them softly like they’re my precious treat,

And in this dance of passion, my heart would skip a beat…

Only one kiss, that’s all I ask!

Take off that mask…”

 

He pleaded with his love, the girl with eyes like fire,

Her beauty was his curse – from distance to admire,

Now deeper than the ocean was his repressed desire!

So tender and so frail,

Behind the veil.

 

Oh, if you really love me, please, never ask again!

Don’t make me feel this sadness, don’t take me through this pain!

You’ll bring the storm inside me, I’ll cry with acid rain!

Just stay away, stay far!

I wear a hidden scar.

 

He smiled and kissed her fingers, their perfume to inhale.

“I swear, my darling sweetheart, I’ll never gonna fail!

My bride you’ll be for ever and love shall now prevail!

Your soul I will embrace…

Show me your face!

 

With trembling hands, denying the doubt inside her heart,

The mask that was so precious, now she just tore apart.

Frail girl, so sweet…her bravery was like the finest art.

At him she looked above.

Hoping for love.

 

“My goodness, what I’m seeing is a monstrosity!

How could I ever love such an atrocity!

Your scar is horrifying, an abnormality!

You want to hear the true?

I am afraid of you!”

 

That’s what he said while leaving her bleeding heart to die

No arms to hold the pieces, no acid tears to cry,

No strength to stop the darkness, not even wings to fly!

Just salty ocean deep

Her love to keep.

 

Her ghostly face still haunts him in nights with bloody moon

When memories are torture, he’s trapped in deepest gloom,

Repeating in slow motion the cruelest day of June…

For death he asks…

Behind his masks.

 

Be kind, be wise, be loving…when someone shows you their scars.

In loving memory of Diane.

 

 

All credits for the photo to the talented Joseph Berardi from http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No time to fly…

I never finish a book before starting another, so my book shelter is filled with stories that never truly end, characters that never truly find salvation, damnation, or even a purpose…So is my life.

The main characters in my book of life always seemed to stay at a safe distance. Emotionally unavailable, depressed, stressed to the limit, conflicted or sick, they couldn’t respond to my pleads for love and attention. Often enough to wonder where do I stand in this game of avoidance.

For such long time, I thought that life has given me the perfect spot, in the light. My appearance was kind, sweet, innocent and generous, so like an angel! I fought so hard to keep it and I had to fall deep into the abyss of depression, just to say it out loud.

I resign, I’m no angel, not anymore!

Not in this time of trouble, when a hug is more precious than diamonds.

Not here, in a world that builds its standards through virtual happiness.

Not with my loved ones, who need to know that perfection can lead to suicide!

I don’t want to be an angel…

Because angels fly, too soon and too often, and I just want to be here…with the emotionally unavailable ones, perfect in their imperfection, simply because they’re my family. I will annoy them, I will disturb them, I will be a burden sometimes…I will demand what’s mine: their love.

But I wont fly away, not until I’m destined to.

I never finish a book before starting another, not because I’m bored, not because I need a new distraction. I just can’t say goodbye to my favorite characters…

Can you hear me crying?

68281533_2631272606903364_8485486330300596224_nPages filled with angry words…metaphors for an agonizing love.

Rooms filled with hateful screams…expression of a dying passion.

Hearts filled with emptiness.

They asked us to stay isolated and we did it! Many years ago…

 

Today is different, my love. This tremble inside me -a sign that I’m still alive- reminds me of warmth, so I’ll just take my favorite blanket and wrap it around my bare feet, celebrating my sweet memories…

Tonight is special, my dearest. This salty taste of tears on my burning lips -a sign that I’m still awakened- reminds me of sweetness, so I’ll just take a glass of red wine and some of the finest dark chocolate, honoring the woman in me…

Right now…that’s all I have, my precious. This beautiful silence in my restless soul -a sign that I’m still blessed- reminds me of rising above pain and ashes, so I’ll just play my favorite love songs, commemorating our bitter-sweet story…

 

And, as darkness settles in, my beloved, I’ll cry for all the missed embraces, for all the words that never found their way between us. For you and me -the isolated ones- who murdered love in too many cruel ways. Forgive me for needing you that desperately.

Can you hear me crying, my love? I’m right here, on the other side of the wall…

 

 

 

Photo from my personal collection

Meet my demons (I)

man-1519665_960_720“Why are you always sad?” I asked, but he just smiled, pulling me closer, so close that my heartbeats became one with his. So tight, that my breathing stopped and I knew I’m slowly losing myself into darkness.

We met on a dark alley, a place where good souls are never supposed to be. I was not supposed to be here, not by my choice! Barefoot, tears streaming down my face, memories killing the very last trace of a painful love still lingering inside me.

Betrayed, pushed away, exiled by the one I adored more than life itself.

And then I met him, with his grey eyes and dark hair, covering the noble sadness in his gaze, with a long coat and a slightly cynical smile. Suited for the prince of twilight.

“Be mine” he told me “and I will make you forget”, and I just fell for this promise of peace. So he spread his wings and fire overcame my world, redefining everything I thought safe. He turned the dark alley into a labyrinth of shadows, a new home for my heart. He took away my memories, so I was oblivious to pain, desensitized to sweetness and beauty.

He made me look into a mirror full of dirt and I saw it all!

the Ugly me

the Reject

the Unfit me

the Stupid

the Unfaithful

the Shameful me!

“Why are you always sad?” I asked and, with a smirk, he answered:

“Because you are dying.”

Fearful and horrified, I tried to get out, but his claws made bloody traces on my skin, his teeth bit hard into my flesh, his fire pierced my soul…

Escaping him was beyond my human powers! It was divine, the hand that saved me, it was celestial, the light that showed me the way.

It took me a lifetime…

It took away my precious memories…

It destroyed my innocence.

Meet my first demon: Depression 

 

 

All credits for the portrait to the free-photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

There’s a wolf out there! (watch out, children!)

 

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He’s waiting in the dark, every single night, hungrily preying on my weakened soul. Red eyes, sharp teeth, wicked claws – deceiving shadow in the ever lasting nights…

He wants nothing less than a taste of eternity and he knows how to get it! Stealing my life, he promises the one thing he cannot give: peace.

Lost in my sleeplessness, numbed by the emptiness inside…that’s how he wants me, a shell of broken dreams, unaware of the wonders given upon me…

He wants me to feel nothing! That’s how you know…

You know he bit you when tears turn to blood and your book of life turns grey. When there are no colors to paint the raging world outside…

…when you’re a walking dead, with ghostly eyes and sealed emotions!

And they will call you lazy…

and they will think you’re blind…

So they will offer their expertise, advises, solutions…little miracles all boxed and ready to be used!

But nothing works, because the wolf is here, cruelly laughing at their pointless efforts.

He’s waiting in the dark, he knows the taste of my blood and the warmth of my tears. Bold and reckless, thirsty for the light inside me, he gave me no choice…

…but to fight for my soul!

Watch out, children of God, there’s a wolf outside. Take your prayers as your unbeatable armor, remember the love we were given, call an army of angels if that’s what it takes!

To destroy the beast for ever.

 

 

Title inspired by Kelly Family’s song “The wolf” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIJKeOc4Vvc

Photo from my personal collection

Dark corners (Who is this girl?)

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Who is this girl starring at me?

Her eyes – deep butterflies hidden into the cliffs of the unknown.

Her skin – pale like the moonlight in a starless sky.

Her hair – clothing for skinny, bare, tired shoulders.

She is not well…

 

Who is this girl who never smiles back?

I see the corners of her mouth slowly lifting the irony of a fake smile.

They always seem to hurt, they always appear as false,

Her lies, reflected in the corners of her red berry lipstick

She is not honest…

 

Who is this girl crying inside?

She’s carrying a long lost love, killed by her favorite hero.

Through pain she learned that ashes burn deeper than fire!

That tears cannot feed a hungry heart!

She is not in love…no more in love…

 

Who is this girl giving up all the fighting?

Knowing damn well about the war she’s loosing with every step back!

Running from the beast trying to conquer her soul…

Fight back, girl, fight back!

She is not peaceful, nor in peace…

 

Who is this girl starring at me

From the dark corners of my memories?

Who is this girl in the mirror?

 

 

I found the image at: https://airfreshener.club/quotes/girl-mirror-looks-sadly.html

 

 

 

The one who heals…

demon-drawing-depression-7The little girl was standing on the balcony a little too close to the edge, but, this time, sadness was stronger than fear. She always avoided the highs, the peaks, the sharp edges, the tall surfaces. Anything that would get her close to falling…

She heard the voice, louder and clearer, it brought chills to her spine, it always did. She knew she’s just a step away, but, this time, anger was stronger than panic. She wiped away her tears, there was nothing left to lose, only a life she no longer considered worthy of living…

Not like this.

So she climbed to the highest surface, the place that turns the city lights into small candles disappearing in the darkness. Her heart was spiraling into a place where love fades away in more than one overwhelming way…

You did well so far. 

She tried to silence the voice, but it was stuck somewhere inside her, part of her being, part of her darkness. Tired of fighting, tired of tears…tired of asking herself if life could be any different…she was now contemplating the falling.

It doesn’t hurt.

The voice was calm and alluring, calling her, tempting her, promising an eternity of lost memories. Her parents fighting, her father drowning in alcohol, her mother smoking, depression, panic attacks every school morning, the bullying, feeling inferior, social phobia, anorexia, abuse, poverty…Yes, that’s what she will forget!

It will be like falling asleep, all dark, all safe, all peaceful.

That’s when she realized that the voice is lying. Peaceful? she asked.

Yes, peaceful.

Like nothing bad ever happened to me?

Yes, like all the pain is taken away.

Taken away by whom? By you? she shouted.

Hey, if you are that powerful, if you are that wonderful, if you are that strong…

Than why the hell weren’t you capable of healing my life until now? Answer, answer now, or I swear, I will spend the rest of my life haunting you!

Because…

the voice was chocking, barely whispering, but the words came clear:

…because I cannot heal, I only destroy…

The little girl climbed down from the sharp edge of the balcony, back to safety. Her tears were falling free, her hair war flying in the cold midnight wind, her hands were trembling, but she stood brave.

Abuse, fears, poverty, shame, bullying, neglect, anorexia, depression…

Step by step, she will overcome every demon who crosses her path.

By the power of The One who heals.

 

 

I found the image at: https://ayoqq.org/explore/demon-drawing-depression/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In case you failed to notice…

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I stood there, on his doorstep, wearing nothing but the cold rain in my body and soul. Frightened and alone, my sense of shame is tearing me apart at the very thought of stepping inside. He’ll break me once again…

He saw the rain in my eyes and needed no words. Somewhere along the path I lost myself and somehow he knew how to bring me here. Wordlessly and blindly, he took my hand to guide me inside. To the warmth of the fire…

I wanted to cry, but enough tears were wasted by the wandering clouds. Above us, up to the grey skies, God is watching with a smile. A sign of forgiveness. I’m standing here, but my bleeding heart belongs to the storm outside…

The rain looks good on you, darling…

You’re the reason for my storms…

I’m the reason for your sparkling eyes, my love…

They’re sparkling out of tears. You only see the rain…

I only see your loneliness, dear…

You love this…like a master of puppets loves the life he puts within the lifeless…

I love you, you make me feel powerful, sweet one…

Your power is my weakness and it breaks me every time…

That’s our precious secret, no one knows you’re mine, little one…

I have no one…

Then stay and give yourself to me. The sky above you already forgave this crime, for it’s meant to be your destiny. See, precious one? I’m still here, I’ll always be here to hold you…

No one…

Yes, no one can make you smile, nor fill the emptiness inside you. No one loves you in the rain…Their little hearts are addicted to sunshine, beautiful one…

His hunger devoured my fragile inner strength and the light faded away while the rain shouted angry curses to the world. I took my bare soul and gave it all, just to feed this void. He held me even if there was nothing left to give. For a brief moment, he kept his promises and he was the one for me…

No one…

No one loves you like I do, no one wants you like I will…

My words remained unspoken and my heart stayed cold. He tasted the bitter trace of tears on my cheeks and decided that it’s time for the curtain fall.

Sweet madness, what is your favorite path through the falling rain?

For I am still outside, in the cold, wearing the yesterday’s storms.  Still chasing away temptations and demons. Falling, from time to time, rising above in the name of faith. Wondering about them, the loved ones. Why do they always fail to notice?

There’s another standing at his doorstep. Wearing nothing but the rain inside her. One moment from now it may be too late. Don’t call her “an addict”, just call her out…

 

 

I found the picture at: http://sharequotes4you.com/p/sad-crying-girl-alone-in-rain

Title inspired by Jewel’s song “Foolish games” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKvlDrf-_L8

 

Free to need some help…

DarkSideBeingLight-explodingI’m standing on the line, starring at the ceiling. Behind me, there’s a girl laughing and flirting on the phone, her perfume reminds me of summer. Her laugh reminds me of love and I would hide away, but I can’t. I’m forced to stay on the line, patiently waiting for my turn.

In front of me, two old ladies are sharing memories. One of them giggles, the other says something about the modern technology. They have sweet pictures on their phones. Playful smiles and sparkling eyes, a graduation and the first love. A tiara and a diploma, short glimpses in their lives.

And I shouldn’t be here. I should be flirting and laughing with the man I love. We should have breakfast in bed and he should be saying something ridiculously funny about last night. Terrible habit, to talk on my sleep, but I do say sweet words and I’m always cute in my helpless state of dreaming. That’s how he should say, for me to stop him with a kiss.

And I shouldn’t spy on people’s phones, pictures and lives. I should be having a coffee with my best friend, as a reminder of all the little promises we made. That we’ll be best friends one step beyond this world. That we’ll keep each other safe and sane. I failed.

So I’m standing here, on the line, starring at the ceiling and creating false memories. How it could be…What it…Should I…Why did it…

Come here…

That’s when I break down and cry, right here, in his arms. He’s holding me so tight, I can barely breath and this feels so good! I want to tell him about the wasted tears, about the long lost love that’s still haunting my every dream.

It’s okay, I know, I know…you’re safe now…

No, I’m not, but I’ll pretend to believe his lies. After all, life itself can be such a bitter disillusion and we were never friends. I thought I’m saving him, I believed I’m doing it in the name of God and faith and love. He imagined me as his angel, a carrier of the light he’ll never touch. So, in his anger, he destroyed every bridge and every bond.

He made his own choices and created his own way through the darkness. He grew wings of fire while my heart turned into ashes. We’ll never be free of each other, the darkness in him will always follow light. The light in me will always face a deadly attraction for shadows…

But here, crying in his arms, with the world outside slowly fading away, my heart is free to need him. So I whisper his name like a mantra…

Christian…It’s alright, baby…I’m back now…

 

 

I found the image at https://upliftconnect.com/being-light/

The title is inspired by Aura Dione’s song “Friends” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz8TAwJdxhQ

There are mountains way too high…

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They were shouting from the top of the mountain: Heyyyy!!! What are you doing down there?! It’s not safe, come here, on higher ground!

My knees were shaking and my clothes were tore, my hands were bruised and my lips were burned! The storm had cast fire and dust, water and acid from the black sky. I was clinging to the only light I kept seeing, a white candle burning bright in this little old church…

They were sending love letters from the top of the mountain: We love you! God loves you! If only you could climb to meet us! If only you would join our joyful meeting!

My visions got blurry while the flood got closer, dangerous and dark. The white candle was sending a flickering light over my teary face. My only thought was to kneel, imploring Heaven above to give me strong wings and wise eyes. But my knees were bleeding and my naked soul was slowly drowning.

They were smiling at me from the top of the mountain: You are special, you are important! You are unique! You can start climbing right now, what’s stopping you? 

My little church was sinking, so was my heart. Stuck in the thick mud, blocked from salvation, I decided to just lay still and expect the unexpected. There was no prayer I could remember, there was no ritual meant to produce miracles. The white candle was floating away, with no chance for me to ever reach it.

They were encouraging me from the top of the mountain:  You have the power to change things, start changing, start loving yourself! No one will climb the mountain for you, just do it!

It’s okay, I whispered to them, knowing they cannot possibly hear me. It’s alright, I’m fine. I’m really well, I’m hanging on. I’m absolutely, perfectly happy.

They were singing and dancing at the top of the mountain. Hugging each other, thanking each other…Blessing each other! Oh, dear, it’s so rewarding to save another soul. It’s such a good feeling when you help someone climb the mountain. We really have a gift! Let’s praise this moment of pure glory and joy!

Down there, in a small, sinking church, trying to reach the white candle, I was giving in. Then, someone came, with open arms and eyes filled with love and light. He took my hand and set me free from mud, dust, fire and flood. He gave me the white candle and gently spoke words of wisdom.

“Your little church is sinking, so is the world. Will you climb the mountain with me?”

He took me in his arms and, with one touch, he healed my scratched knees and my bruised hands. My lips knew the water of life. And I was grateful, I was joyful, I was free!

But, Lord…oh, my Lord! What about them? Their mountain is sinking…

The shadow of sadness in His eyes was enough to awake in me all the tears I needed to cry…

“I know them and I love them. If only they would remember me in their hour of darkness…”

We will, my Lord, we will.

 

I found the image at: http://xtrasizesg.com/dark-vs-light-wallpaper.html