Lavender fields

lavender-2426376_960_720Meet me where blue petals dance in swirling winds and air is filled with wonder and bewilderment. I’m waiting there, my love.

Dressed in flowers and white butterflies, my skin will mesmerize your senses, sweet scents embracing naked souls in their flight to the promised bliss.

You’ll ask me if I’m a fairy, but I’ll only smile, leaving all witchcraft behind, for you were mine since the beginning of the earth.

I’ll ask you if you’re my long lost warrior, the one who fought odds and hazardous labyrinths, beasts and villains, kingdoms and infernos.

You’ll stop me with a kiss, for talking is nonsense and logic is overrated. I’ll laugh.

My hair will taste like summer on your lips, long golden curls nesting on your bare chest, like seraphs roaming between worlds and universes.

My sweet, you’ll call me…my everything you’ll be…

I’ll whisper your name like a spell that kills all heartbreak, in melancholic songs you’ll praise the beauty of this endless yearning for warmth.

But then, out of the blue, I’ll cross the bridge to reality, leaving our love behind, while you sleep smiling in your dreams, in cradles made of tall grass and tender blue petals.

Don’t be so sad, it’s not unfair, nor cruel or devastating…

For we belong to the lavender fields

and we will meet again…

when blue is blooming in our foolish dreams.



All credits for the photo to the talented S. Hermann from



dream-catcher-4065288_960_720I see wild storms rising in your eyes. 

That’s what she told me with a smile, the lost little girl. She was wearing her favorite dress, with blooming flowers on a pink horizon. She smiled and light rolled over her blushed cheeks.

I think you’ll wander for a while, lost in the rain.

She played with the big white ribbons in her hair, until blonde curls flew freely in the summer’s wind. Then, as a last symbol of her resistance to monotony, she threw away her white shoes. She laughed to see them floating and disappearing in the highs.

You’ll see the light eventually, but you’ll be too frightened to admit it.

You always are.

Her palms drew circles in the thin air, leaving golden traces, coloring the unseen into a million sparkles. She turned to me with impossible bright eyes.

You’ll run away a thousand times. The storm will almost break you. I see you searching, foolishly choosing, settling with less than crumbles. Blind to real love, for you mistook it for addiction! I see you – You Fool! – and it makes me cry.

She stood there, silently crying rivers of blue diamonds, until the sky above us became one with this ocean of hopelessness and pain. That’s when I fell.

Down on my knees, I was begging the Heavens above for one more smile.

For one more glimpse into the Light.

You have to step into the darkness, to return home. Where love is everlasting and wishes do come true. Where you two, silly dreamers, will rise in love. 

“Who are you?” I asked her, while she spread her wings and melted away in rainbows of light.

“Who is he? Who is my silly dreamer?” I whispered into the wind, too weak to find faith, too lonely to care about my losses.

Look for green eyes and lighthearted smiles. For the poetry that rhymes like a love song and for the rhapsodist who’ll write with light into your soul. Search for the everlasting.

And morning dissolved my mesmerizing dream.


(to Frankie)


All credits for the photo to the talented Anke Sundermeier from










To kiss the corner of your mouth…

The air smelled like fresh rain and spring flowers, so I took off my mask. I breathed and I smiled at the same time, I opened my lips and inhaled freedom with all my senses.

His touch was warm, gentle and yet, strong and reassuringly firm, so I took off my gloves, my jacket and my protective glasses and allowed myself to melt away into his loving arms.

The wind was playful, sweet and daring, so I let my hair carelessly flow until, tired of all this new found happiness, it just laid helpless on my bare shoulders.

Then, my voice turned into thousand crystal bells as I laughed like never before…

And we made love right there, on the green hills, mesmerized by the softness of the grass, charmed by the golden rays, seduced by the promise of new beginnings.

He spoke to me a million words about the world we’re discovering all over again, but maybe I fell asleep…because they all sounded so strange…

Was it a nightmare? I asked him as I gently opened my eyes. I dreamed about a killer virus, and we were doomed to solitude and masks and plastic glasses! Not supposed to touch each other! And I was not allowed to kiss the corner of your mouth…Was it a nightmare?

He kissed my eyes while his were drowning in salty waters.

Yes, darling, it definitely was. Sweet love of mine, I’m surely glad it’s over…



Who’s shoes should I walk in?

It’s raining in my dream, it’s raining with grey water, so heavy and persistent, that the whole earth seems covered in thick mud. I’m running through this strange rain, my boots are covered in dirt, but I don’t care.

I just need to protect the white dress…

I’m here, in this small church, and it’s so dark inside. People, like ghosts, lean against the walls. My dearest…my family…why can’t they see me? Aren’t they happy that I made it to the church? They look so tired, so sad, it’s heartbreaking to look into their eyes!

But the white dress is simply perfect, I kept it clean, I kept it safe!

You’re here, sweetheart, we’re so happy you made it! And look at the white dress, it’s so beautiful! Now hurry up, it’s time to get dressed!”

Tears fill my eyes when I realize who’s beside me. My grandparents, oh, how I missed them! They left this world when I was only 16 and I never had the chance…

“Look at you, you’re shining! The white dress fits perfectly!”

There’s light around me and they’re so proud, so happy to be here. I’m searching for my husband, I want him to be happy too, but his eyes are empty…I suddenly can’t remember, why am I dressed in white?

“Because it’s your first Communion, have you forgotten?”

No, but…it happened so long ago, when I was just a girl…I should tell them, but I just want to go with them, into this Love I’m feeling. They suddenly stop.

Oh, dear, your shoes! You have forgotten your shoes! You cannot possibly wear muddy boots with this beautiful white dress!”

My grandmother has this worried look on her face, just like I remember. She points to the rain outside. I have to go back through the rain, to get my white shoes…

“Or…you could borrow some…”

And now I see all the shoes that people left there…for me? For me, to make a choice?

Who’s shoes should I walk in?

the big black ones, they surely belong to a man, they’re so huge and ugly!

the red ones, absolutely adorable, a shiny red, made for dancing, but it wouldn’t fit with the white dress!

these yellow one…what’s wrong with them? they’re too small, they look like a doll’s shoes, and they’re broken!

the simple, brown pair, well, they look rigid, my feet hurts simply by looking at them!

So I jump outside into the rain! I need my shoes! My perfect white shoes!

…Here I am, with my white dress, wearing my perfect white shoes, walking down the aisle, feeling so loved. I look into the eyes I missed so much, I see their tears of joy.

“You did well.”

And I wake up.


NOTE: I will write about the interpretation of this dream in a separate post, probably tomorrow, now I’m just too deeply touched by the emotion within. Thank you for reading.


Have faith, He told me…

grass-3336700_960_720The clock was ticking in reality.

Five minutes more, please…just five…”

His smile was my answer, along with the light flowing from his eyes into mine. Laying on the green field, the world I left behind was so far away, like a long distant dream, a place I only visited for a short while, on my way home.

“What is this place so beautiful, is it heaven? Are you an angel? Am I still alive, sleeping in my bed?”

He laughed of my childlike questions and thousand crystal bells started to dance around me. White feathers, rose petals and fluffy clouds, floating in the air. My bare feet, caressed by the silky touch of fresh grass. He put a flower in my hair…

And the clock was still ticking in reality.

Five more…”

He took my hand and helped me stand, and, in his arms, my body felt weightless, so I just knew it was always mine…the power to fly. So high, to the place where all the souls belong to, where pain and sorrow are unknown! Where I’d be loved…

“I don’t want to go back to reality, I don’t want to wake up to a world of wolves. I don’t want this love inside me turned into ice and stones! Keep me, please keep me here!”

He put his palms upon my chest and rivers of light surrounded my heart. A warm, gentle breeze went through my hair, as butterflies nested on my shoulders. I looked inside and I just saw a trembling, restless, fearful heart turned into love. Pure love…my heart became love.

And then I saw his tears, for all I was is darkness and all He gave is life.

And the clock stopped ticking in reality.

I opened my eyes to another day on the battlefield. My feet will cross over mud and fallen branches, my skin will burn from acid rain falling from the purple sky. I’ll watch the wolves tear each other again until, hurt and hungry, they’ll turn their prayers into curses. I’ll clean my wounds and, as they’ll look for new ways to bite from aching hearts, I’ll still stand strong.

And they will wonder why…

Have faith, He told me, and I listened. So I am not afraid anymore.



The photo is taken from the free photos website



You wont remember me…

62476938_2531679523529340_7617729226556309504_nI was aching for a touch, a special kind of touch, so I brought you here, where the sun kisses the waves, where the wind swears its love to the falling leafs…

Was it my dream? or was it yours? I cannot remember anymore…the moment when we laid on the sand, heart by heart, hand in hand…that moment sealed my lips, so no more words of pain could turn to life…

My trembling fingers tracing the tears on your face, kissing each one, tasting the salty water on your cheeks. Whispers from your dream…yes, I’m being silly again…these  aren’t tears, it’s only the sea and its bitter-sweet memories…

And then we’re dancing against the cruel time…it’ll take me away…it always does…

Not in your dream, not in your heart…where am I, my love?

Not in your memories.



Photo from my personal collection.



In my bewildered eyes…

64225608_2531679586862667_2449060351556190208_nHe took my hand and asked me to trust him, ’cause the place he’s taking me to is not for the faint of heart. I closed my eyes, I said a prayer, I promised I’ll follow his hollowing voice ’till the end of my time…

“Lay with me here, on the silky grass, here where the sky aligns the clouds in so many mysterious ways…

It’s blue, too blue…and warm…

I need you to see through my eyes, my love, I’m lost behind a wall of fears I cannot break, nor look above it!

It’s deep, too deep…this loneliness…deeper than the ocean above us…

Don’t mind my tremble, just open your heart and tell me…what do you see up there?

It’s close, too close…could be a storm…could be a sign…

Don’t cry…

It’s real, too real…I wish I were with you…

Just take my hand, you’re starting to believe it now, my darling…the signs, the wonders, the demons and the storms, they were meant to be…

It’s dark, too dark…my path and yours…

Can you see it too? In my dreams, we always see the same signs, for our hearts are one and our souls have wings…but you, sweet butterfly, you always run, and I never know…

It’s blind, too blind…the faith that guides me…

Blind enough to love the unlovable?

I see an angel of light coming from above, looking straight into our souls. I see the justice he’s bringing, for all the unknown martyrs. I see love, a love so pure and beautiful…I see healing and joy…after the storm…Can you see the angel too? Or is it just a cloud, reflected in my bewildered eyes…

Open your eyes now!

Wait…So, was it just a dream? The love I felt, the blue above me, the warmth of your heart…

What’s life if not a mysterious dream, filled with signs and wonders that we refuse to see?

But I did…I did the right thing…where are you? Why am I so alone?

Shhhtttt…wipe away your tears and raise your eyes! Look up now!”

Do you see it?



Photo from my personal collection.


So here I am, on bended knees

e873e8ec2912c1db31d8311311a17b3a-d4p3kao“I don’t remember how I got here, the paths I took, the dangers I ignored, the demons I fought…but here I am. To tell you how wrong I was, to hope and pray you’ll listen to the words that sound like damnation…”

The little church was dark and small, hidden deep in the heart of the forest and my knees were hurting, my heart was aching and the regrets were burning inside me.

“I feel I don’t have time and I need it…because I still have love and I still feel life. I’m here, on bended knees…to ask for one more day. I’m not ready, Lord!”

And that’s all I’m able to say before falling. The pain in my heart becomes unbearable, my knees are shaking so badly, it’s cold, it’s dark, it’s….

…a demon or a ghost…a spirit caught between worlds or just…

…him. This touch on my shoulders and the way he’s taking me in his arms. The dark flames in his eyes. And me…I don’t know how I got here, I don’t know who I am anymore…all I know is that I cannot breath without him. Christian…

Don’t cry, don’t…It will be alright. A long life is waiting ahead and not any life. A life of love, a wonder after another. New places…the world! All yours. Say you want it, that’s all it takes!

“I do…”

Come with me. I’ll give you everything you ever dreamed of!


And freedom. And beauty and fun. An easy life, away from the coldness of this church. A life in the sun, discovering the most amazing places of this earth. 

My knees still hurt and I feel like falling asleep.

Stay with me…you’ll never have to kneel again. You’ll never beg for forgiveness, you’ll never cry desperate tears of pain and loneliness. You will be gone for them, forever gone…

“How…if I love them? If I want them with me always…How will I ever be happy without my family?”

I will be your family, you’ll be so loved that you’ll forget all about the past. They’ll forget you…people disappear all the time, for how long do you think they’ll search for you? One year?

“One lifetime. Then another one…”

Silly girl…they’ll cry a few days, mourn another few days. They’ll pray for about a week, they’ll be sad for about a month. One year they’ll remember you through holidays. Then nothing.

His words cut like a knife.

“You don’t love me, Christian. If you would, you’d know how much you’re hurting me.”

He looks down.,

This is my way of loving you. This is how I’m protecting you. Why do you think you’re here? You cannot remember how you got here, so how will you go back home? Completely helpless, defenseless and lost. Will you fight your own heart?

“I will make the right choice.”

And I wake up in tears.

…knowing now, for sure, that he never truly left, I never really let him go…

…wrong place, wrong time, wrong actors. No second chances, no other life to right the wrong. So, even if it hurts, here I am, on bended knees…

…searching for my way out of the darkness. And making the right choices.




All credits for the image to



Wasn’t it supposed to hurt?


He was waiting for me by the lake, but I couldn’t look into his eyes. The early spring surrounding us had a special kind of glow. He knew I’m looking for this spring ever since I know myself…

“It just wasn’t meant for me…”

I said it so many times, in so many ways and now, that my time has passed, I just realized that it was always possible. But I have chosen winter instead of gentle warmth.

The lake was never that calm and blue and the waters are deeper than ever. I see my image reflected in it, just like a mirror.

“I’m too broken to love…”

I felt it so many times that it became a part of me. The poetic self, the blue heart, the rivers of tears, it was so beautiful to meditate, to write and to cry over my sadness. Over my loneliness. And I never seemed to choose happiness.

“But I was here all the time.”

Yes, he was. Indeed, he always cared, even when I stopped carrying about myself. And now he’s looking at me, inside me. Does he contemplate the struggle and the hurt? Does he see a terrible, frozen, stoned heart – the heart of a woman who never learned to give herself to love?

“All I see is a beautiful child, who imprisoned herself, for no real reason at all, behind bitterness and resentments. And I am sorry. I did it all to open your eyes…I protected you till sacrifice, I treasured you like a miracle that you are. I gave you everything and I loved you more than I loved Heaven.”

From where I’m standing I cannot see the bottom of the lake. I cannot feel the depth of his sadness. Every time I hurt myself, he feels a pain thousand times sharper than my own. And I hurt myself every day, every hour, even now…

“When you say you’re not worthy of love…”

“When you say you don’t want this life anymore…”

“When you say you have no one…”

He is right in every way! And if an endless abyss would open at my feet, it still wouldn’t be enough for me to hide my eyes. My guilty, teary, hopeless eyes…

“Don’t hide from me anymore, I will always love you. It’s not supposed to hurt, my child…Love it’s supposed to be beautiful. To flow freely like the blue waters. Rise up in love and look into my eyes…

Do you see ME now?”

I do and I recognize you, my Savior and my Lord. My Healer and my Love.



Image copyright: elen_studio – Shutterstock


I wonder where you are tonight…

DBl8EVwXUAIkIp4Remember my dream? The one I’ve told you about in a sunny morning, with a bright smile and starry eyes, reflecting the best that my heart had to offer. To you…

I was playing with a little angel. Feeling free, feeling careless and powerful, like a child. Being a child again, in my heart. Feeling innocent, pure, playful and sweet…

And the little angel took a ball of light and threw it to me. I catch it, I did…”Take it, it is yours!” And he laughed and spread his wings and left me there, on the green field, with my soul full of light. I played with the ball of light until my arms were tired. And I just knew…I held it tight, close to my heart until all the light became a part of me…

The ball had an incredible blue color. Blue like oceans. Green like the forests of the earth. Brown like the mountains and white like the purest snow. I was holing The Earth in my arms…

Remember how you said that I’m blessed with a power so beautiful in its fragility…And I said that the only power I ever wanted was the power to touch your heart. Your oceans-away-heart…

You told me that I’m the queen of your heart…

Where are you tonight, my king?

I’m trying so hart to imagine you happy, surrounded by a loving family, with someone holding your hand, talking sweet little things. I’m trying so hard to imagine you happy in love.

I try and I fail.

Remember how, so many times, the little girl in me found a refuge in you. Your kindness, your forgiveness, your love…my wings. The door to my heart was wide open and you said…

You said I’m your Garden of Eden. Your EVE. 

Why are we submitted to the same errors over and over again? Your Eve swore she’ll never get near the tree of knowledge. She felt the cold air of damnation and pulled you closer, holding so tight on your soul, suffocating you, asking more and more, demanding a prove, a sign…

Forgive me. It was out of love.

Remember the final part of my dream?

Before flying away, the little angel became suddenly serious: “It’s yours. Just be careful what you do with it…”

Here I am, living my time on Earth, the best way I can. There’s nothing to wait for, so I live every moment the way it is. Without your love. Sometimes I feel so lost, so sad and alone and I want you to know…

You were right. And you were loved.

More than my words could ever say…