TRIGGER WARNING: depression, substance abuse, physical/emotional abuse, suicide thoughts
I’m nesting it in my palm, like it would be a sacred treasure. Mine. No one knows it and no one sees it, because it’s my secret. The key to my second life. A password to open the bright places in my being, so that I can join the happy crowd.
I’m keeping it safely, for it was hard to obtain it. I only have a few of them, all blue and perfectly round, like the blue full moon. My pills. My keys to an existence less painful. I will only take one, because tonight life’s rough and I’m entitled to a little gentleness.
I look at the light blue of its surface and it reminds me of a sunny sky. Ironically, I bought it during a terrible storm, the one that crashed my love to the ground and left me agonizing. And then I found my second life, where voices are soft and touches are tender.
I put it on the tip of my tongue, it feels so sweet. I know that I’ll be dancing soon, embraced by arms that never harm me, and all the colors will dance around me. I will be child again in my second life, I will be safe again. Soon…
I let it roll down, but I don’t swallow it, not yet. I like it when the sweetness turns into bitter, when the soft surface gets scratchy. It’s like in real life, when, instead of a bed of roses, I find myself smashed to the ground. Reality is bitter, isn’t it?
It rolled down to my throat, leaving a sour-bitter-acid trace, and now my eyes are filled with tears. It will be alright, soon I’ll be flying. In my second life I always fly. I find bright places inside me, but I can’t stay there for too long…no, I have to fly, I have to dance, ’cause if I stop the walls will tumble over and I’ll die…I’ll just die…
But now I’m here, inside my second life. The sky is sunny-blue, the voices are soft, the touches are gentle. I’m in a cloud of cotton candy, swirling around a rainbow of colors.
And friends will not betray me here.
Promises wont be broken.
There will be no diseases.
And he will love me. Eternally mine.
Tomorrow it’ll be raining in reality, but I wont feel it. Sarcasm will prevail and voices will yell, but I won’t know it. I’m not coming back! I built my castle, here, inside my dream, and blue soldiers are guarding me.
Release me, please…
NOTE: This post is dedicated to the ones fighting depression/substance abuse/suicide thoughts. To all the calls for help that were ever ignored. Please don’t give up.
The post is NOT about me, or my personal experience. I do not encourage substance abuse. I merely try to present the reality from other perspective, without judging or giving any unwanted advise.
All credits for the photo to I.A. from http://www.pixabay.com