Can you hear me crying?

68281533_2631272606903364_8485486330300596224_nPages filled with angry words…metaphors for an agonizing love.

Rooms filled with hateful screams…expression of a dying passion.

Hearts filled with emptiness.

They asked us to stay isolated and we did it! Many years ago…

 

Today is different, my love. This tremble inside me -a sign that I’m still alive- reminds me of warmth, so I’ll just take my favorite blanket and wrap it around my bare feet, celebrating my sweet memories…

Tonight is special, my dearest. This salty taste of tears on my burning lips -a sign that I’m still awakened- reminds me of sweetness, so I’ll just take a glass of red wine and some of the finest dark chocolate, honoring the woman in me…

Right now…that’s all I have, my precious. This beautiful silence in my restless soul -a sign that I’m still blessed- reminds me of rising above pain and ashes, so I’ll just play my favorite love songs, commemorating our bitter-sweet story…

 

And, as darkness settles in, my beloved, I’ll cry for all the missed embraces, for all the words that never found their way between us. For you and me -the isolated ones- who murdered love in too many cruel ways. Forgive me for needing you that desperately.

Can you hear me crying, my love? I’m right here, on the other side of the wall…

 

 

 

Photo from my personal collection

Confession (3)

woman-2375822_960_720I want to tell you about him.

I need this just as much as you need it…even if my confession will not (ab)solve you of this sin. Yes, you heard it right! I am the sinner, yours is the sin! Will you act like you’re shocked? I wonder…But maybe you already know.

About the taste of his lips…the perfect flavor of forbidden desires and sensual dreams, the right amount of mystery combined with pure wickedness. Was I supposed to stay in my innocently bitter world, when my body was aching and my heart was agonizing for his kiss?

About the sparks in his eyes…so dark, so deep…they starred in my soul until, desperate for more, I whispered his name like a sacred prayer and he did answer. He needed no words to ask for all…all of me…Was I supposed to lay still, in my perfect little universe, instead of falling?

About the passion…the kind of wild force that unites souls..He unfolded every layer of this restless soul, until it was raw, naked, exposed and vulnerable…and so full of beauty! Unrecognizable to myself, the girl in the mirror was smiling, shamelessly nude, unbelievably proud of the woman she turn out to be…

Was I supposed to lock this heart behind thick walls?

Was I supposed to die slowly, painfully…unaware of this electrifying sensation that keeps pulsing through my veins?

Was I supposed to be your good little trophy, laying in the dustiest corner of your interests?

I need to tell you about him, but maybe you already know. I’m cheating you in every dream, ever since you left me. I scream his name, but this ecstasy was born out of pain. Out of hate and anger. Will you despise me less if I confess…that he’s only a fantasy? Or will it be so much worse…?

Adultery is the name of this sin, so go ahead…are your stones big enough?

 

 

You can read more of my confessions here: https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2019/06/26/confession-2/

https://betweenthelines2017blog.wordpress.com/2019/04/13/confession/

 

The picture is from the free photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

 

When love was nothing but a battle cry

3524484971_a524f481d3_bDo you like this fragrance of smoke in my hair?

I wrote you a thousand letters and, with each one of them, I loved you a little more. Sweet lines with bitter meanings and big words with senseless metaphors, yet, you forgave my lack of judgement in each and every promise I made. You tried to decipher the empty spaces, unaware that the key is buried deep inside me.

Do you like when my eyes are changing from green to fire-bright carnelian?

I wrote you a million poems and, when rhymes faded away, I used my tears to paint a proper ending to my endless questions. You were the hero and I was your muse, you saved the world and I was saving you, you got the glory, I got insecure. I failed again, this pain has no rhythm, it’s blank and white and cruel!

Do you like the warmth of my hands on your body?

I wrote you a love song, inspired by the way you’re undressing my shivering soul, leaving me naked and ashamed in the spotlight. You listened and asked for more of this passionate, self-destructive desire. You loved the harmony in my whispers and you wanted me to teach you how to play. Guitar, violin, piano, my heart…you played them beautifully. Then, bored and lonely, you deleted my song from your playlist.

Do you like my slow, sensual dances under the moonlight?

I wrote you a made-up story about the boy on the moon who saved the sad girl from falling. I sent you a page every day, so that you could add some more drama, some more mystery. Some more love…I saw you laughing, changing the lines, breaking and cutting the thin wire I was hanging on to. You asked for a realistic script.

My love, reality lies broken under my burnt feet and no one wins. Your love was nothing but a battle cry in this war of hearts, my hero. Don’t cry, my boy-from-the-moon, no one will break me anymore…

I wrote a thousand letters and I set them on fire.

This was supposed to heal me, but, instead, I fell in love with the ashes…

 

 

The title was inspired by Tom Neuwirth’s song “Heroes” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puRPBdZPfi8

I found the image at: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/nuvan_buet/3524484971/

 

 

True love might fall from the sky

Broken-Mirror_Evening-Sky-Anscochrome

He’s thinking of me…I know it because, every time he does that, my heart becomes a restless bird, impatiently trying to escape her broken cage. It hurts every time he’s thinking of me…

He opens the window and the cold morning air awakens the tremble inside him. His empty arms embrace an imaginary body…mine. And, from worlds apart, the shiver inside me becomes unbearable. I’m freezing…every time he opens the window…

He turns on the radio, hoping to hear my favorite songs, but there are only tragedies. His fingers are wiping imaginary tears. We cried together, seeing the devastation inside our souls and he secretly wishes he would have the cure for every pain in this world. I still cry…every time he listens to a love song…

He smiles in the mirror, rehearsing the roles he’s going to play. The loving husband, the devoted father, the talented business man, the generous neighbor, the faithful christian, the rebel artist…Miles apart, masks are falling and walls are crushing down into my life. I break down…every time he fakes a smile…

He’s ignoring the voice that calls his name. He claims he doesn’t understand the question. He never shares the beauty he sees in the deep, blue sky. He’s deaf to the pleadings and blind to the tears that fall for him…

Insensitive to the love he’s given.

-Hey…what’s so interesting up there? There are only clouds! Come on, give me a hug…true love wont fall from the sky…

-Who knows…it might…

He’s laughing, there, in his world, while my broken heart becomes nothing but a fluffy, airy cloud, on the blue skies of his life.

He’s thinking of me…

He misses my warm body in the cold morning air…

He hears my voice in every love song on the radio…

He wishes he would be the hero in my every story…

This is how I lie to myself. Because I’m not miles away, in another world…I’m just  looking up to a completely different set of clouds, longing for him to hold me. No, this is not another story about a long-distance-relationship!

I’m right here, he’s near me. We’re holding hands…galaxies apart.

 

 

I found the image at: http://jamesharrisgallery.com/artists

Title inspired by the song “Milk and Toast and Honey” by Roxette https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI8TXgDJ09s

Sometimes we long for the unspoken

programmazione-neuro-linguistica-300x300

There’s a point where the emotional pain becomes physical. Beyond that, human mind creates echoes of our own sufferance.

-You need to give a meaning to this image because it’s haunting you for years, so speak the unspoken and set yourself free.

-I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t!

-Why? There will be no judgement, you did nothing wrong. I wont say a single bad word, I wont blame. It’s all in your mind, honey…nothing really happened.

-You don’t understand…it’s not because I’m afraid of your judgement…is just that…

-Yes?

Well, setting myself free would mean putting a huge burden on you! And I can’t…

But he convinced me, unaware of the crucial importance of my confession. So here is the story, the way I lived it.

I don’t remember falling asleep, but I remember the pills. They were supposed to take the pain away and to help me sleep. The image of the chaos we created, his wedding ring somewhere on the floor, his clothes, an open suitcase, the sound of the door he slammed behind him, in anger.

But he came back, I feel him in my half-conscious sleep, he came back because our love is stronger than any prejudice, our love is divine and he knows it…

It’s cold, even if we’re in the middle of the summer…He’s gently covering my trembling body with the soft blanket and I cry. He’s caressing my hair, barely touching my face. It’s different, he’s different and I love this tenderness. I’m trying to open my eyes, he sees my struggle and I feel him kissing my closed eyes. I feel so safe, like never before…

I need you…don’t go…don’t leave me…

Shhhtttt…he whispers and his fingers are pressing against my lips…a shiver runs through my body and I’m sobbing again. There are things he needs to hear…but he wants me to stop talking. I open my lips, there’s no air and I’m gasping…

I love you…

Love…I hear his voice like an echo, but I cannot recognize it…I was suffocating before and now it feels like floating, I dream of blue waters and playful golden lights…He’s holding me, I feel cradled, his arms are my fortress…

But why…why can’t I…

I want to run my fingers through his hair, to look into his eyes, to savor the smell of his skin and the taste of his kisses. Trapped in this darkness, I’m awake, but motionless, laying helpless, betrayed by my senses, struggling to breath…

No…it shouldn’t…hurt…

Quiet…stay quiet…his voice…his fingers on my neck…there’s something cold and I need him to promise that it’ll be alright. Because I’m afraid and I’m hurting…

I’m sorry…

I see it in his eyes, he’s not sure what to make of this story of mine.

And the next thing I remember is the sound of your keys and you trying to wake me up. I cried for hours, in a state of shock.

-You were upset and that’s normal. It was our first big fight and I reacted so foolishly. First thing I did when I came back was to put my wedding ring back on my finger. I never took it off ever since that day.

-You think I made this up? The blue traces on my neck, like being strangled, the bruises on my body, the nightmares…

-I think you had a bad dream, caused by the sleeping pills combined with the painkillers you took.

-What if…

-I would never do that to you, I’m not a monster! What you’re implying is abominable, horrible, and I would never…

-Not you…but what if…

-Don’t! Don’t even say the words. You know what? You were right, I’m sorry for asking you, I’m sorry for pushing you to say these things. They’re better left unspoken. I’m…going out…I need air…

There’s a point where human mind creates echoes of our own emotional pain. That’s where the nightmares come to life, that’s what defines the darkness we’re so eager to explore. My search for answers became his burden, our longing for the unspoken became his curse.

Was it real or was it just a nightmare…

Was it him or a complete stranger…

Was it abuse or a weird unconsciously consent…

Does it matter?

When the line is so thin and blurry…The unspoken becomes real. Emotional pain creates monsters. We abuse our fragile souls seeking for a damnation of any kind, of anyone…

 

 

Facing the moonlight…

Stars_Crescent_Boys_Little_girls_Night_Two_Roof_514739_1151x1024I know this restless feeling inside you, why are you hiding your eyes? You’re twisting and turning in your sleepless storms inside. Come outside, be like you used to be! Just for one night. 

I was just a child.

No, you were so much more…Tell me, what child spends hours in the late night talking to a lonely planet? What child prays for wings to fly far away from the only home she ever knew?

I was just scared.

But you smiled through your tears. You reached out your tiny hand to me, through darkness, coldness and desperation. You promised!

I was just lonely.

You had something so honest, so sweet and innocent in this loneliness of yours. Remember how hard you tried to understand? 

I was just naive.

You opened the windows, ready to face the darkness and you saw light. Your smile was the prettiest I ever saw. I had to keep you smiling. So I draw little stars on the frozen glass. You created a shelter around my little stars. A heart. Yours.

I was just desperate.

I touched your face, it was icy cold. I decided to stay with you, to create a cradle of light around you. I wanted you to know, to deeply feel that you’re never alone. I gave you the brightness and the sparkling stars in a lifetime of white nights.

I was just blind. What do you want from me now, after so many wasted years?

To keep your promises.

To open the windows and to face the moonlight.

To become fearless when your world is cold.

To dare to love. More every day. 

To have faith.

I will and I know. Who you are. I do remember now. Who I am…

He smiled and turned away, disappearing in the unseen face of the moon…