Let it be me

When silence kills my metaphors, what’s left for me to say?

I’m grateful for this loneliness, because it brought me back to myself, it forced me to clearly define what I’m missing. It took away the veil and then I saw it. The scared little girl who fought so hard…her love was a flower fading away in the winds of life…she couldn’t let it go, so she locked her heart and went wild and crazy against the flow…

What does my heart desire? Just one moment of pure honesty, even if I’m tempted, once again, to play with words. It’s been so long since I last listened…

So here I am, facing this agonizing fear of losing. No place left to run away or even to turn my head to, there’s always a story of loss, anywhere I look. Life and love, I want them both to stay! Because I love him now, more than ever before. And time is slipping through my fingers.

I prayed today, like I do every evening, ever since I became aware of the dangers that lay in the darkness. I prayed even if I couldn’t, once again, find my words. My heart repeated the same sentence again and again! Lord, please don’t let it be a blasphemy!

It’s all about love, God of Mercy…and now I see it clearly.

So, let it be me.

 

 

Can you hear me crying?

68281533_2631272606903364_8485486330300596224_nPages filled with angry words…metaphors for an agonizing love.

Rooms filled with hateful screams…expression of a dying passion.

Hearts filled with emptiness.

They asked us to stay isolated and we did it! Many years ago…

 

Today is different, my love. This tremble inside me -a sign that I’m still alive- reminds me of warmth, so I’ll just take my favorite blanket and wrap it around my bare feet, celebrating my sweet memories…

Tonight is special, my dearest. This salty taste of tears on my burning lips -a sign that I’m still awakened- reminds me of sweetness, so I’ll just take a glass of red wine and some of the finest dark chocolate, honoring the woman in me…

Right now…that’s all I have, my precious. This beautiful silence in my restless soul -a sign that I’m still blessed- reminds me of rising above pain and ashes, so I’ll just play my favorite love songs, commemorating our bitter-sweet story…

 

And, as darkness settles in, my beloved, I’ll cry for all the missed embraces, for all the words that never found their way between us. For you and me -the isolated ones- who murdered love in too many cruel ways. Forgive me for needing you that desperately.

Can you hear me crying, my love? I’m right here, on the other side of the wall…

 

 

 

Photo from my personal collection

Meet my demons (II)

horror-2581018_960_720“If you are an angel, why are you hurting me?” I asked him, while my heart was racing madly, gasping for air in an attempt to survive this infernal, unreasonable fear. His smile revealed his sharp teeth, his eyes became ice, his answer became my damnation and my body froze, trapped between life and death, right there, in his arms.

He found me a lifetime ago…a little girl playing with her dolls, on a rainy afternoon. A sweet portrait of innocence, but he knew better, for that little girl -me- was the loneliest child he ever met. Her ears – filled with angry screams, her eyes – rivers of repressed tears, her freckles – hidden reasons of shame, her soul – witness of a war between the adults she loved the most!

He took her hand and showed her his castle (“it will be yours”), it was high, it was dark, it was guarded with an iron fence and still, she loved it. It felt safe to stay there, she felt cared for and no one noticed her disappearance, ’cause, sadly, they were busy fighting against each other. Who would fight for her? For the loneliest little girl in the world?

“There’s a terrible world out there, a world where angels like you and me could not survive!” he used to tell me, every time I got too close to the iron fence. My universe got smaller day by day, while my every move, my every small gesture was questioned. A prisoner of my own mind, with Fear, Panic and Pain as guardians, I grew and turned into the loneliest girl…woman…wife…mother…daughter…in the whole world.

“What if…you fail…you embarrass yourself…you disappoint them…wouldn’t it be better not to try at all?” and I believed his fake love. But then, as night settled upon my heart, he laughed of my dreams…

“Something horrible is going to happen, can’t you feel it?” and I’ve mistaken fear for good judgement, dark thoughts for intuition, demonic whispers for faith! And then I cried and prayed, and waited for a prince to save me. And I waited in vain!

‘Cause no prince was ever going to see me, all hidden behind black curtains, in the highest tower of my black castle. And no hero would hear my cry for help while I’m voiceless! So, maybe…

Maybe it’s time for me to become my own hero.

“If you are an angel, why are you hurting me?” asked the loneliest little girl in the world, still holding the black, rugged, deadly hand of the beast who took control over her world. “Because you don’t deserve to be loved!” he answered and then she knew…

And then I knew…

He kept me away from the ones I love…

He took away my every little joy…

He made me feel helpless, pointless, desperate and unlovable.

Escaping him is beyond my human powers, it is a continue battle I have to carry every day, a struggle and a pain I’ll always face. From all the lies that turned my inner voice into my most frightening enemy, the most terrifying was the feeling of being completely, utterly alone. Now I know, I never was, I’ll never be…

Because I am loved through all my insecurities.

Meet my second demon: Anxiety

 

 

All credits for the image to the free-photos website http://www.pixabay.com

 

Let it be YOU

Near-Death-Experience“How do you feel?” he asked in a calm, gentle voice, still holding my hand, still stroking my hair, while the claws of pain were gripping more and deeper into my chest. The thirst was slowly becoming unbearable, and air got thicker, turning my every breath into a fight for life. This is how it feels when a heart literally breaks, I heard myself thinking, but, immediately, I blamed the bitter voice from the inside.

There was no time for poetry, I was agonizing under the deep blue of his serene eyes, wondering where is the help I needed so much. My mind was memorizing the past minutes, sensations, panic, storm…a lightning and such a cruel pain in my heart, that almost left me numb. Flashing lights, a man walking towards me, all white, checking my pulse, saving me from falling into the arms of despair.

“I’m here to help you” he said, so I immediately supposed he’s a doctor. The normality, the logic, the common sense in everything we do…that’s a sign of being sane, isn’t it? Still, the ambulance was late, much too late, and the oxygen mask was nowhere, and he…he was just smiling at me, disarming my struggles, my torment, my rage.

The raindrops felt warm on my cheeks, I closed my eyes and he tried to wipe the salty water from my face, but the sweet scent of mosque on his fingers just intensified the rain. When did I start to cry and what is this purifying feeling inside me?

“How do you feel?” he asked again and, this time, it wasn’t the pain that kept me from breathing. Something higher, so graceful and holly, something that has nothing to do with pain, death, anger…that something was embracing me, healing me…loving me.

I feel grateful.

For this pain that reminds me of life as a blessing, even in the most desperate moments.

For my vulnerability…sweet prove that falling is, sometimes, the best way to learn how to rise from the ashes.

For the over-sensitivity I blamed so much, and still…this is the brightest part of me.

For my heart that breaks so easily and hurts so deep and fears, and aches, and runs…but it never stops loving…not now, nor beyond the last of its beats.

For the lessons and for the demons…they taught me to be brave in all my battles.

For the scars…for the faith that heals them…for YOU.

Yes, I am grateful for YOU.

“The storm is coming, you need a shelter” I heard Him saying just moments before miraculously taking all the pain away…

I need a shelter, we all do…Let it be YOU, sweet Jesus.

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.jashow.org/articles/what-is-a-near-death-experience/

Just one beat away…

4435875152_e256aa76e0_oI feel your eyes on my bare shoulders, the royal blue of your gaze…gently undressing my soul, until I’m left hopelessly, shamelessly naked inside…

I feel you watching my every step, even if my path is so well known to both of us…my knees get weak as I realize that I almost…got lost…I almost walked away from you…

I feel your hands caressing the cold surface of your window…imagining it’s my skin, your fingers squeezing the red curtains, as if you would try to deny a sin we’re so close to commit…

You always hide, but I feel you…

Behind your walls, you stop me from running…the strength of your hands and the tremble of my fingers…I want you here and, yet, I wish you were still there, in the shadows.

The cold royal blue of your eyes, burns me deep…I wish I could scream my pain, but tears flow so quietly, so peacefully in my inner storm! This is unnatural, this is absurd…this is insane!

But if I’m crazy, tell me…are you my healer? My reward for all the wasted years? Is it the right time to confess my crime? Because the woman in me is long gone and I forgot when…and how…and who killed her.

I close my eyes, waiting to be sentenced.

No…not like this…

With infinite tenderness, you touch my lips…and I feel your desire. More than anything, you need me to stop the words. The inner dialogue that hurts me, wounds me, kills me! And I will, some day. Now I’m only gasping for air…help me! Please guide me and show me how it feels to breath…for I never knew.

I feel your eyes on my naked soul and I feel safe…if it burns, we will burn together. And then…we will be alright. My stalker, my watcher, my love…I think I’m falling too…

 

 

 

I found the image at: https://imgday.com/page/1857/

 

Not a victory march!

Proverbs2131horsevictory2

“I ran to you, like running to a shelter, because my heart is heavy and tears are burdening my soul. It’s me, the one who needs you so much! Please hide me in your loving arms, even if I failed you. Love me even if I’m unworthy…”

My voice broke in a silent cry, the hurt inside made my knees tremble and I felt so fragile, standing there in front of the cross. The light was cruel that morning and I covered my eyes, but my rosary felt on the floor and, in just a second, fifteen red beans were scattered and lost, along with every trace of hope in my heart…

That’s when I lost it, that’s when the hurt inside took control and I broke down at His feet.

That’s when someone’s strong arms lifted me and carried me, holding me tight, saying warm, comforting words. The voice I knew so well…

It’s alright…

-No, it’s not! I mean it, Christian, it’s not!

-I’m here for you…just tell me what happened, I’ll fix it for you…

-Nothing happened…

But he wasn’t going to settle to less than the complete truth. He asked me to look into his eyes and to tell the story, every little detail, through sobs and tears…

“Okay…but you wont like it, you wont like me. See, I’ve always been a fighter for the things I believed in. My faith was one of them, the first of them. I made a promise to defend it against anyone and anything. But today…

…there were these people, two or three, one of them was the vocal one, while the others just followers. Lost sheep? Anyway, they were mocking the things I believe in. My faith, my God, my church. And I saw them looking at me, starring at the medal I’m wearing. How would they see it? A small symbol, something I wear with modesty and discretion, like a reminder…

…The vocal one came to me and asked me in a very aggressive and sarcastic tone: What is your faith? What do you believe in?…

…and I froze. I could have answer in so many ways, so many beautiful ways…But I just stayed silent. So he continued: So you agree that there’s nothing! He pointed to the sky. And I wanted to walk away, but he just followed me, almost shouting: What is your faith?

…and you know what I said? The coward me, the stupid, unworthy me! I told him:

“Faith is something I respect too much to gossip about it. This is not the way, not the moment to discuss my faith.”

He insisted with an evil grin on his face: “When is the right moment? After a coffee? After doing some shopping maybe? After chatting with your friends maybe?”

I ignored the questions and I ran.”

Oh…

-And I cannot understand why are people like this! Why can’t we treat each other with love, why can’t we be like brothers? Why is it always someone thinking he can teach us a lesson! Why, Christian? Why are these things happening to me? Why was I so scared in front of these bullies? I hate myself for not defending my faith!

He hugged me so tight, trying to sound calm, but I saw the clenched fists, the anger in his eyes.

-Don’t ever say you hate yourself, not if you love your God. You are His child, you call him Father. So don’t, okay? 

-But why…

-Because you are a target ever since you were born. Your precious soul, your beautiful heart, your love…they’re at war, you are fighting a war you don’t even begin to understand!

-I’m losing this war, Christian…

-No! Listen, sweet girl…Love is not a victory march! Neither faith! What is that book of yours teaching you? To love your enemies. Your prayers for them are shaking and breaking the fires of hell…

That’s when I looked at him and realized the miracle of this situation. A man who denied God long ago, a man who call himself “A Luciferian”, a man who despise the church, a man who broke and burned his Bible…

…this man spoke to me words of faith, offering himself as an instrument of Love. He was more of a warrior of light than I’ll ever be.

I touched his face and he kissed my fingers.

-Thank you. From all people…

-Nah, don’t mention it. Where else would I be?

But…how did you know?

-Because I love you. Just that simple.

 

 

The source of the image: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/christian-fellowship/discussion/god-fights-our-battles

 

 

 

I already left a thousand times…

165aTVpzTXGMXu1azUdy_IMG_8468He took my hand, it was frozen. His lips on my fingers made it better. The pain was gone, so were my questions, as I decided to simply live the moment. To have this affair, to be his. No self blaming, no harsh judgement, no rules this time. We’re not in love…

Promise me…

I nodded, knowing for sure that I’d promise anything and I’d follow this promise to the end of the world. Mesmerized by his burning eyes undressing me, I gave him the key and I became his willing prisoner in this game of desire.

Promise me you wont leave while I’m bringing you a cup of hot tea. 

I tried to smile, but my sadness made it impossible. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek, while his eyes never left mines, not even for a second. Almost like a secret, invisible bond, created between us, was meant to keep me there. A strong force that’s becoming so fragile day after day, killed by frustration and resentment. But tonight, we’re just a woman and a man in the flickering candles’s light.

Tell me you wont run away. Say that I’ll find you right here, swear that you wont disappear out in the darkness!

Where am I suppose to go? I whispered the words to myself, not truly trusting, not really believing in my own heart. I’m okay now, without knowing what’s beyond this night. That’s the closest to happiness I’ve been in years. I’m afraid to feel more, I don’t want to overthink his words, his touches, his warmth.

I already left him a thousand times in my mind.

And I came back a million times more. It’s not impossible when you’re in love. I escaped in my fantasies, I created parallel worlds, I played my own part and I invented a new role for him. So it’s easy for me to leave…

He took me in his arms, keeping me warm, tasting the orange flavor of the tea from my lips. I’m sure it’s a dream, I’m convinced that the morning bed will be just as empty, just as cold, just as lonely. I’ll judge myself for allowing myself to feel. I’ll blame myself for being weak and lost, for fantasizing about tenderness and passion.

Be mine tonight. 

And again, this bond between us gets stronger, brighter. His eyes are piercing my soul, his hands are re-discovering the woman in me. And I remember every word, every step, every year. A boy and a girl. A lifetime of love. Where is he? Who’s this stranger, pretending to break walls while he’s only breaking my heart?

I was wrong, time did not destroyed us. We did it ourselves.

I’m leaving him again tonight and he knows it. The boy I love got lost somewhere, on the old, dusty path of time. I’m going there.

To bring him back home.

 

 

 

 

All credits for the image go to https://unsplash.com/search/photos/love

 

I trade these ashes in for beauty…

She’s smiling at me from her profile picture. The bright smile that used to melt the hearts of everyone. Ever since we were kids…

“She was the perfect child. Kind, delicate and still strong, because her emotional maturity and wisdom were beyond her age. And it was absolutely impossible to be jealous or envious at her. No matter how much smarter and brighter she was. You would love her because of her loving heart.

The perfect family and a predictable future. She became a doctor…

I met her long ago while I was playing with my little girls. A tiny hand got a little too close of the pink balloon that my daughter was playing with. The tiny hand wanted the pink balloon…and we couldn’t resist his adorable smile. A smile that reminded me of…

She hugged me tight, maybe a little too tight…

The shadow in her eyes, the sadness in her smile, the obvious way she avoided to talk about her life.

I don’t know why I even approached the subject. I shouldn’t have…I don’t usually…

-This is amazing…I had patients who experienced near-death sensations but none of them were actually…Can I ask you something?

-Yes, of course…

-What was the feeling? Was a relief? Or…did you had any pain? Sorry…doctor’s curiosity…

-It’s alright. It was…frightening. I wanted back to life…the regret of the unspoken words, the fear…Then I saw Him, waiting for me. And He took my hand, making everything alright…The fear was replaced by love and gratitude. I was not forsaken…not alone. He came for me.

She looked down.

-That’s because you pray…

-No, not at all! You know, right before passing out, I had this feeling of anger. yes, I was terribly angry at Him. I even dared Him, accused Him, blamed Him! He wasn’t there because I’m some kind of saint…

-Then why?

-Because His love is far greater than my mistakes. Our mistakes…And He knows our hearts better than we know ourselves.

She had tears in her eyes and when she hugged me I felt her so weak, like she could break down any moment…

And that was years ago. I only saw her in a dream, about six months after that meeting.”

Please tell me about your dream. I never dream…not since…Please try to remember…

Dressed in white, with white flowers in her hair. She was laughing and she was…herself again. She was playing with a child, lifting him, dancing, singing to him.

A child…she lost a child once…it broke her heart. Please tell me more.

She got closer to me and whispered “You were right.” then disappeared. That’s all I remember…

The woman in front of me is crying. Her mother. I wish I could cry too…

When you met her…she was terminal. She stopped the chemo because she wanted to enjoy her last months with her child. She told me about meeting you. She said you’re an angel…You really helped her. Thank you. 

The brightest eyes are smiling at me from her profile. Her picture has a black frame and the cover picture represents ashes…I wish they would take off that frame…she deserves more.

She is pure beauty.

I’m no angel. But The One who spoke through me that day…He knows where Angels belong. And I know…one day…I will trade the ashes I’m carrying in my heart for pure beauty. And I will hug her again.

 

I never meant to start a war…

Not against you. Never against you…

He held my hands in his and I could sense the guilt in his voice…but his piercing blue eyes had something harsh…like a long lost warrior, finally coming home…

Do you remember? I do…

14 years ago…

This is a nightmare and it’s going to end very, very soon. Don’t faint…control your breathing…it’s not the moment…for a panic attack. Their waiting for me…to say something. It’s just playing. Pure improvisation. We’re actors and this is an optional school class. Remember? Your choice, to keep your scholarship…And now you’re supposed to play yourself, ten years from now. Get yourself together!

-I always loved you, Claudia…it took me ten years to admit it…and to be brave enough to confess my love to you…Do you feel the same? You’re so silent…just leave me this hope…don’t say a word, just let me show you how beautiful and magical can be this world…The world outside your golden cage…

I have to say something…why can’t I? What’s wrong with me? Ryan is only acting. Oh! My! God! My fiancee is in the audience…and the lights are on me…please God…make this stop!

I turned white, like a ghost, I know it…where? where are we going? Are we leaving the stage? Will I ever wake up?

-A glass of water, she’s losing conscience! Breath, please breath…what have I done?!? You know it was just acting, right? I didn’t meant…

I can’t stop crying…his shirt smells like musk…and his fingers through my hair…I cried on his shirt and people will see…and my mascara…no, don’t…don’t stop…your lips…this sweet pressure…I’m falling…

present days

-It took me more than ten years to come to you…to tell you how sorry I am. I took advantage of your vulnerability. A real man, a man of honor never does this.

-Look, we were both kids. How old were we? 20…21…? And I was oversensitive. I froze, don’t even remember how everything ended…

-I kissed you…right there, behind the scene. I had no right, but…you were so sweet, so sad and lonely, so desperate…so I kissed you like I knew he’ll never kiss you…Then I heard the sound of steps…people were coming…I didn’t wanted to expose you even more than I did…

-Yes…my fiancee was among the people. We almost broke up that evening…but…as you can see…

-Are you happy? Please don’t look down, it’s just a simple question.

I have the family I always wanted. I should be happy…

-I’m sorry to hear, I really hoped it was going to be different for you.

-I’m happy…

-Yeah, right. Then why I see traces of tears in your eyes? Why are you blocking every feeling, every emotion? Why don’t you stop me right now, when I’m about to take you in my arms and to never let you go?

-I don’t know. I swear, Ry…I wish I knew what’s wrong with me…

-Fourteen years. That’s what’s wrong with you. I told myself that it was better, that I was acting in your interest…Know what? These were only excuses. I was afraid to fight for you. I ran away. That’s what’s wrong…

If you were afraid, then…just let it be. Because when you’re in a war against your own feelings, you’re always loosing. So, just let it be peace. And let it be love. For the one who never ran away…

 

I need to see!

Real emotions. Feelings. Real love in people’s eyes.

I need it to be a certitude: love still exists. It will appear like a light in lovers eyes, in their smiles or in their voices. Or maybe, the sweet way they hold each other’s hands. I don’t want metaphors. Not anymore…The blossomed cherry tree and the sweet roses will fade in the cruel evening’s wind. The white butterflies will die in the darkness of the night.

So don’t…Don’t tell me that love is a butterfly, a sweet rose petal or a sunny day…Because, if there’s anything I wont accept, that’s the ending. Love wont end. That’s why I need to see it…

-And how will you see it, if your eyes are closed? If you’re always between worlds, never truly here, never truly there. How will you have any certitude at all, if you doubt your own being. Tell me: what did you see last time when you looked into your heart?

I saw a winter that lasted four years. I saw myself frozen, alone in the cold wind. I saw my tears turning into ice crystals and piercing my soul. I saw my trembling hands closing a door. Forever. But then…I saw myself praying for that door to open again…

-The One who opened the door for you. You’re here because He loves you. So, how can you doubt Love? You don’t need to see it, you need to feel it…

That’s exactly what I mean. I need to see it in order to feel it…

-Poor child, you’re so confused. You can’t see Love in other people’s eyes, unless you have it in your heart. Do you want to keep the roses forever blossomed? And the butterflies forever alive? And the light in people’s eyes forever bright? Do you want to see real love?

I do.

-Then love. Love with all your heart, forever and a day. And forgive. Forgive yourself for the moments when the everlasting winter will kill the butterflies. They will be brought back to life again.

By the power of LOVE.

So, BE Light and you’ll see Light. And BE Love so you can see Love. Give Joy, Trust, Hope and you shall never feel alone.

The old priest smiled but in his eyes I could see he was holding back his tears. In a church full of people, why was it so hard for me to see Love? Maybe I never looked in the right direction.

So here I am, kneeling with the Rosary in my hands, willing to see deeper and beyond my everlasting winter. Willing to believe again.