Tell me your story!

62243941_2529420197088606_4204089743681519616_n-The night sky is more generous than ever, cradling our dreamy eyes in milliards of stars…

-But you can’t see them, silly girl, ’cause you’re only starring at me! Not that I’m complaining…

-I do see them, as reflections in your eyes…

-Tell me one of your stories!

-Nooo…you know that all my stories are sad!

-It doesn’t matter…your voice can take me there, and I need to escape…

-Okay…Once upon a time…

-Yesss…

-There was a little boy, very sweet and gentle, with big eyes and a good, carrying, generous heart.

A good little boy…

-One day, he was walking down the dark forest, and he got lost…So he ran and searched for his way out, but there was none…and he felt scared and hopeless…and so alone…

-Oh…

-Looking down, he saw a little light…golden, flickering light, so he followed it. It leaded him to his way out of the forest. Only that the light wasn’t just a light…it was a little bird.

-Right. A bird.

-With golden wings and sparks in her eyes…wounded, unable to fly, only to crawl. He took her home and build a cage for her. A golden cage.

-Still a cage, no matter if it’s golden.

-A place for her to heal and to be safe. And, with his love, she got better…

-That’s nice…

-Her wings grew stronger, so she wanted to fly. But, no matter how much she pleaded with the little boy, he wouldn’t let her…

-Selfish and possessive!

-He was afraid for her, that she might get hurt. He was afraid for him, that he might lose her. So she stopped pleading and stopped spreading her wings. But she couldn’t stop dreaming! And the dark forest’s whispers were so alluring and so seductive…

-And?!

-Finally, she got too weak to fly, so he thought it’s safe to leave the door of her cage wide open. So was the window…

-Nooo! She jumped and smashed her body on the floor!

-She flew! Maybe her dreams gave her strength…or maybe it was the dark forest, who knows? Maybe some charmed wind took her and held her…but she flew! She found her way back into the forest!

-Wonderful…

-The boy…what do you think he did?

-He learned to respect other people’s choices?

-He grew up as an angry, resentful, bitter soul…Searching for nothing but revenge! I’m sorry…

-Heyyy…please don’t cry! Why are you crying? Oh…you are that bird! That bird was you all along and I didn’t noticed!

-No, I’m not that bird…

I am the girl he used to replace his lost golden bird…

 

 

Photo from my personal collection.

Is there anyone out there?

canary-birds-indoor-hazards“Anyone at all?” she asked in a broken voice, but only the falling leafs seemed to answer to her calling. They flew around her, swirling and giggling in the wind’s turmoil. She was never that lonely, nor that eager to run into someone’s arms. Anyone’s arms…

She was a runaway, like so many others before her. Little birds, escaping golden cages, brave little creatures who craved for more than crumbles, they needed the rain and the rainbow, the sun and the lightnings, the love and the passion of being free!

This little bird always considered her story as being boring, common and flat. Nothing to complain about in her perfect little world. Nothing to dream about, for she never truly knew her needs and her desire. Hunger and thirst, cold and heated, desperate and euphoric…those were notions she only knew theoretically…

In a perfectly round cage, safety is a sure thing. That’s how her masters used to say and she learned gratitude by heart! That’s what kept her away the cold, dangerous, tormented, real world outside. She would never ask if she’s free to fly.

Freedom? Of course she’s free! Can’t you see that I never locked her in? Can’t you find the open door, sweet little bird? But she was violently shaking her little head in the palm of her keeper. NO! No open door would ever be more alluring than his fingers gently caressing her silky feathers.

So he acted neglectful and she became restless. Not only the little door of her golden cage, but also the big window of the his golden home…how many temptations is a little heart doomed to repress? If the enemy’s out there, in the big, wild world…then how come she’s so sad and lonely, right here, inside?

It was not the hand that fed her, it was not him to blame for this outcome…

It’s the eye that stopped seeing her beauty, it’s the ear that stopped hearing her songs, it’s the heart that stopped beating in the same rhythm as hers.

“Anyone at all? Anyone to love with everything in me? Anyone to care  for this crazy little bird? Just someone…anyone…”

She was just a runaway who, like so many others before her, disappeared under the starry sky. And we’ll never know…

if she found anyone at all…

or she went into the unknown, hungry and exhausted…

if she ever found her way back home…

or she just found an escape from the big wild cage we call REAL world…

if someone loved her to her last moments…

or another hunter loved to have in her a different kind of pray.

But there’s one thing I’m sure about: She wont be the last little bird who’s replacing an illusion for another. You, little bird, just like me, with struggling hearts, desperately kicking the walls of our golden cages…freedom…what an impossible dream…what a misfortune…

it’s in our human nature to fulfill it!

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.picturesboss.com/pictures/canary-bird-flying-0c.html

 

Do you want me on my knees?

kiss_you_hard_in_the_pouring_rain_by_kris_kamikakushi-d8j79ttI was walking barefoot, tired and weary, when the skies turned black. It wasn’t unusual to me, it wasn’t strange or frightening. It was my world, my life with the desperation within. I was walking empty and broken when I found him.

He was waving a black flag, a symbol of a war he was longing to win, for he was battling the same angry winds that smashed our spirits to the ground. For an eternity, or so it seemed back then. He was walking in tears of anger when he saw me.

I ran to him like he would be my long lost friend, my prince or my savior. I convinced myself that all my stories are real and I was going to convince him that I’m his fairy. Selfish and naive, I was building a novel around this fantasy of mine. I ran to him like a homeless child searching for a shelter.

He opened his arms and almost smiled. A clear sign of a conqueror, even if the victory was bitter-sweet for him. After all, what kind of joy would bring such an easy prey? Nothing precious, no diamond hidden in a stone, just a broken heart with an uncommon desire to surrender. He opened his arms, but the gates to his heart stayed closed and sealed.

I cried when he first kissed me, and the light in me brightened the black skies. I let it all out, in a hopeless attempt to heal his blindness. But the torment and the pain were still there, no matter how tight I was holding to love! I blamed myself for the loneliness I felt in his arms. I cried when he kissed me, knowing it would be our last kiss.

He called me his princess, just like I always dreamed. He believed my stories and he pronounced the perfect words. And, as my heart was melting in his palms, he took my hand, taking me to a place he called home. He had a certain sadness in his eyes, as he walked me in, through the golden gates. He called me princess, so my cell would be paved with gold.

I searched for the black skies, but all I could see were the thick walls surrounding my golden cage. Locked with no chance to ever escape, to ever walk barefoot by the sea, I started to dream of storms and raging waves, to wash away this devastation inside. Imprisoned without a judgement, without a crime, I broke every vow and torn my innocence apart. I searched for the black skies and begged for an ending to this life sentence.

He admired the golden cage, for it was his creation. Years of anger and bitterness made it even shinier. His efforts were not in vain, for the view was spectacular! A free show, what a shame that the world couldn’t see it! How often can you see a heart breaking in pieces in front of you? How perfect is the soul the gives itself to the flames, just for one short glance at the deep blue in your eyes? He admired the golden cage and decided that the game is boring and dull, but we’ll play it anyway.

I fell on my knees, asking for one thing. One and only. The key.

He offered me his heart instead. 

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.deviantart.com/kris-kamikakushi/art/kiss-you-hard-in-the-pouring-rain-515981441

The title is inspired by one of my favorites songs: Scorpions, “Believe in love” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4WArSKK9go

 

 

 

Closer than I’ll ever be…

Bas teri yaad

She’s dancing with the man I love. With my man. And I’m helpless when it comes to love stories, but I’ll write this anyway! From the bottom of my stormy heart.

It started with her sweet melody, alluring him to sing along. First he laughed: “Come on, I’m not a child anymore, silly little songs mean nothing to me!” but then he listened and his heart understood the message.

“Isn’t it sweet, isn’t it gentle and so calming…her voice through the leafs?” 

I tried to stop him, but I was myself a leaf in the wind. My sin was clear and this was my punishment, for I was nothing but a storm in his life! So I had to let him go…

Insidious and sneaky, she whispered allusive words into his ears. Words I should have said, but now they were strange and new, foreign and impossible to pronounce. He looked away, consumed by guilt, fog in his eyes, only the message was crystal clear: “Just for one moment…dance…embrace…just one…and then back to you, back to…us”.

And he never waited for my response! Muted and ignored, I blamed her for the salty taste on my lips. I wanted to hate her, but then again…I never saw him so careless and free…with me.

She touched his face, kissing that little place near his upper lip. He wanted more, he needed to be devoured by this thirst! Their dance became a game of surrender…to desire and lust, to ecstasy and euphoria! It became pain and pleasure, fever and tenderness, torment and heaven! Life itself seemed to take a standing ovation, in the face of this forbidden beatitude!

And I was feeling small and lost, screaming inside me, biting my lips ’till blood and tears were one and the same! ‘Till my scream became a wild flame, calling him back!

“That was great, you should try it too one day! Let’s go home now, dear…”

Is it a crueler torture than to see him defeated? Settling for less than he’s yearning for?

It isn’t…

He came back, but his skin had the taste of her kisses. His hair was ravished by her fingers. His heart was still singing her sweet, gentle melody…

Ever since that day, I cursed the rain! The calm, comforting, relaxing, blissful, warm rain! I hated it with everything in me! For she was closer than I’ll ever be…

…to the man I love.

 

 

 

I’ve found this image at: https://drawinglics.com/s/alone-boy-standing-in-rain-pic.py

Why do we go there?

31696385_1907872155910083_101787404905480192_n

I pushed the door with all the strength I still had in my arms, praying that, behind it, I could find some rest. But the small room was dark and the only bench I saw seemed broken. It didn’t mattered anyway, after more than two hundred stairs I already climbed, another seventeen more to go…

That’s when I saw him, starring at me, with disapproval in his eyes.

-I know is forbidden for visitors, but I need to sit down for a moment. My heart is racing from all the stairs I climbed.  

-Why did you? Yes, it is forbidden, due to safety reasons. Of course, tourists never cared about safety. Really, you’re risking a heart attack just for that selfie you’re going to post on Instagram? Is it worthy?

In my mind, I decided that this guard is the most impolite and annoying person I ever met so I’m going to ignore him. Still, his English was above the average and he had a certain sadness. How was I supposed to ignore that?

-I guess you work here, right? So…more tickets, more money on your paycheck? Shouldn’t you encourage tourists instead of judging? Anyway, I’d better be going…

-I wasn’t judging…

-Yes, you were! And you were also very rude and impolite. I’ll probably never see you again in my life, but just for the record…I’m not climbing there just to take a selfie. 

-Why do you?

-None of your business. And for the hospitality…thanks for nothing.

I walked out of the small room, trying to breath. The stairs kept getting narrower and more inclined. I leaned upon the wall behind me. “I wont make it to the top.”

-Yes you will. I’ll help you, give me your hand. Come on, I climbed the tower like hundred times, I know all the tricks.

The warmth in his voice had something so familiar and sweet, like a song I always knew. Was it from my dreams? A complete stranger, restoring my lost faith in humanity…it happened so many times before, almost like a sign from above. A sign that I’m never alone.

-So, why do you?

-Uhm…what?

-Why do you climb the impossible stairs? I have to, I’m a guide…

-Oh, you’re a tourist guide? That’s great, maybe you know a place to rest? I found a small room before, but the guard was so impolite, you cannot imagine!

-Don’t mind him! He’s just bored and cranky…an eternity of guarding these empty walls can do that to you. But you did not answered. Why do you?

-Why not?

He stopped for a moment and let  go of my hand. Then, briefly, he excused himself and ran down the stairs.

A frail ray of light gave me hope. I’m almost there!

-What’s there?

The little girl’s voice took me by complete surprise. And it made me smile, thinking of my own children.

-Hi, look at you! Your dress is so pretty! You look like a little princess!

-I am a princess!

-Well, of course you are! My little girl says the same! 

-What’s there? Up there?

There’s a tower and you can see the whole town! But please don’t go there by yourself, wait for your parents. Where are they?

-Why do you go there?

-For the view! It’s amazing!

-I don’t believe you.

And she ran down stairs, letting me more confused than ever. I looked at the frail ray of light, I watched it fade away in tears.

“I go there for a feeling I lost long ago. For freedom. Because there, in the highest tower, I gave it away. I want it back. See, long ago, I thought that freedom is the price for love…

And now I forgot how it feels…

…to open my wings and to fly high,

to open my arms and to embrace more than a shadow,

to open my heart without the fear of being rejected.

In front of my eyes, the blue immensity was sunny and warmth. The sky smiled at me and the town was brighter than ever. Freedom and love…they were always here, always with me, in me…

Locked in the highest tower of my heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a lonely little girl…

Beautiful-Angel-Drawing-Picture

16 years ago…

The interview was not going well, not at all…He must have sensed my fear, because he just shut down all the communication, concentrating exclusively on his drawing. “The Painter”, that’s how they called him and he seemed to accept. In fact, in the old mental hospital, being famous would probably bring more attention, better food, even care.

I knew his case from the local news papers and now, standing face to face with the painter, I realized I knew nothing at all. He was painting angels, like always, completely ignoring my questions. A lost cause and a lost scholarship…

-You ask the wrong question in a very unpleasant manner. Maybe I should interview you. How old are you?

I dropped my pencil and my papers, creating a wave of laughter somewhere behind me. I was 21 back then, in my summer practice. All blushed, with a trembling voice, I decided to lie.

-I’m 23.

The noise was terrible. In an outburst of rage, he just smashed down his canvas and blue paint was spilled all over the floor.

-I hate liars. You are 21 and you look like 18! And you’re trying so hard to impress people with your fake inner peace and your inner strength and your high heels and…

A nurse approached us, but he stopped her.

-No. I am calm. I want her to ask the right questions. I want her to speak her mind and her fears. I will not shout at her anymore.

My colleagues were starring, so I whispered What are the right question?

-You torture yourself to appear in a way that’s so different from the lonely little girl I see in front of me. Why?

Because I need to know…

The words flew out of my mouth, without control.

-You need to know why I killed that girl? Why I paint angels? Why I’m locked in here instead of living a beautiful life? Why do you need to know? For your paper work?

No.

For me…it will give me a sense of control…over life.

He got closer, dangerously closer.

-I can’t give you inner strength, I can’t give you self-control or peace of mind. It will take years…years of tears and fears to conquer those…and it’s your mission to accomplish. But I will tell you why I paint angels.

Why?

-Because one of them talks to me right now. And she’s ready to cry, sweet lonely girl…

today…

I saw him and it was almost impossible to recognize him. All covered in black, even the hands, even the face. Free. Painting angels in the park.

-I see you too.

I didn’t realized I was starring and, to make it all even more awkward, he came closer.

-You are very, very beautiful.

Thank you.

-Tears and fears and pain made your eyes brighter. I’m a free man now. How about you?

I have no answer and he knows it.

-It’s okay, just ask.

What?

-Something that starts with “why”.

And I ask the obvious. Why are you covered in black clothes? It’s so warm and sunny…

He comes closer, dangerously closer.

-Black clothes keep the darkness inside. I cannot let it out again.

And I understand now the reason…somehow the answers I was searching for were right there, in my soul.

Do you have any control over your darkness?

-I have my angels…Do YOU have any control over your life?

I have to go, I’m sorry…

He grabs my arm.

-You’re rushing back…where? Tell me, sweet girl, why are you so lonely? I need your answer.

Why?

-Because you appeared in my dreams to heal my loneliness. With your bright, tearful eyes. And I painted you in thousand paintings, but it’s still not enough…

I pulled away and ran, using my sun glasses to hide away my tears.

I looked back, a few steps away, he was still there, talking to an invisible presence.

“No, I wont…I wont harm her…no…there’s light inside her…you know why…you know she’s protected…stay inside me…don’t go after her…she cried enough.”

John 12:35 Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. Whoever walks in the dark does not know where they are going.”

 

 

 

Source of the image: http://www.imagefully.com/beautiful-angel-drawing-picture/

 

 

 

 

Facing the moonlight…

Stars_Crescent_Boys_Little_girls_Night_Two_Roof_514739_1151x1024I know this restless feeling inside you, why are you hiding your eyes? You’re twisting and turning in your sleepless storms inside. Come outside, be like you used to be! Just for one night. 

I was just a child.

No, you were so much more…Tell me, what child spends hours in the late night talking to a lonely planet? What child prays for wings to fly far away from the only home she ever knew?

I was just scared.

But you smiled through your tears. You reached out your tiny hand to me, through darkness, coldness and desperation. You promised!

I was just lonely.

You had something so honest, so sweet and innocent in this loneliness of yours. Remember how hard you tried to understand? 

I was just naive.

You opened the windows, ready to face the darkness and you saw light. Your smile was the prettiest I ever saw. I had to keep you smiling. So I draw little stars on the frozen glass. You created a shelter around my little stars. A heart. Yours.

I was just desperate.

I touched your face, it was icy cold. I decided to stay with you, to create a cradle of light around you. I wanted you to know, to deeply feel that you’re never alone. I gave you the brightness and the sparkling stars in a lifetime of white nights.

I was just blind. What do you want from me now, after so many wasted years?

To keep your promises.

To open the windows and to face the moonlight.

To become fearless when your world is cold.

To dare to love. More every day. 

To have faith.

I will and I know. Who you are. I do remember now. Who I am…

He smiled and turned away, disappearing in the unseen face of the moon…

 

 

Hey little pigeon, where are you flying to?

maxresdefaultIf I open the golden cage…

Will you fly over the green fields, where life blossoms in the fresh grass kissed by the gentle rain? He’s waiting for me there, with his arms full of wild flowers and a smile brighter than the sun…

Tell him I’ll be there soon…

Will your wings touch the pure white snow on the highest mountains, where faith rise with every snow flake that’s breaking its flight just to give sparkles to the icy wind? He’s standing there, with his arms open and fire in his eyes…

Tell him I’ll keep my promises…

Will you find the endless desert, where castles of sand are being build and destroyed in the name of human idols? He’s fighting quicksands and sinful illusions there, for me, with a tired soul and a hopeless destination…

Tell him I’ll be his shelter…

Will you cross the Atlantic ocean, where angels spread their wings over a perfect blue sky, sending a free, careless ray of light into the lovers hearts? He’s dreaming of me there, laying on the beach, whispering words of love to the wildest waves…

Tell him I’ll wipe away his secret tears…

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Will you come back to me, little pigeon? I need to know…

Did he laugh or cry reading my silly, childish, naive and harmless thoughts?

Is he still keeping our love story as his most cherished treasure?

Am I still his everything?

Hey, little pigeon…you are free to fly, like I never was. Find him, tell him he’s free too…

 

Let me take you far away…

ad_1191455281I never had a proper sense of danger…

Isn’t it a bit silly, to just stand here, on a broken bridge, in the middle of the storm?

He put his arms around my shoulders while the raging sea was washing away any trace of reason, any instinct or intuition of self-defense…I smiled in a deep gratitude for these warm, loving arms, but I wasn’t going to take any step back…into the safety of the dry land…

Come with me, I’ll take you home, this is too wild, too cold…

I am home. This is how I’m used to be…one step in the unknown and salty water on my face. This is where my heart feels safe. Beyond this, I’m bound to the emptiness of the white walls of my love. Beyond this, I’m unable to breath and I’m helpless…He left me broken, scared, confused and alone. And here…here is where I found my safe place…

Aren’t you afraid to stand here all alone? Contemplating the raging waves and risking a wrong step? Aren’t you tired of waiting?

No…not if I have a chance, just a little chance to see…

Oh, silly girl, what are you expecting to see? Can’t you realize that the black clouds became one with the dark waters? And your horizon is forever gone into the swirling winds? Will you ever see more than madness and despair?

I’ll see him…he’ll conquer the wildness and he’ll rule over any storm. He’ll come after me and he’ll take me far away…I’m safe here because I can hope and I can wait. And he will come…

What if he’s already here?

Is it in the warmth of his smile? Or in the light of his eyes? These butterflies inside me, this feeling of spring…Can you do it for me? Would you bring life into my white desert if I need it so much?

Why don’t you find out for yourself, my brave little angel?

He leans over and kisses my salty lips…

And all of the sudden…

There’s light…and faith…and hope…

There’s love…

Let me take you far away. You were meant to fly high and I promise…

I’m gonna love you like there’s no tomorrow and still, beyond any contradiction, like we’re everlasting and immortal. 

Because there isn’t. Because we are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That sweet, old fashioned notion

tango_dancing_couple_by_naderdes-d4ygtxiThere was a flame in his eyes and no way to deny it. He could easily be a hero or, maybe, one of those people who’s words changed mentalities. But he’s just…

I could read between his lines. His voice is deeper than a lost thunder in its way to meet the sea. A sea of doubts. He’ll calm down the raging waves. He’ll make sure I found peace. Only that I…

Lost in time and separated by a distance we cannot cross. He’s still mine. I’m still his. The bravest part of me will always meet the brightest part of him. To feel complete, to become one. Still, we…

Torn apart by unspoken words, our voices were silenced by the unsung songs. We live for the untold stories and they’re happy for our unwritten happy endings. If they only…

We’re broken mirrors for each other’s wounds, starring in each other’s abysses. No peace for the lost souls. No medals for the survivors. What if…

But he’s just an old flame. A peaceful, harmless hero who never got the chance to fight.

Only that I turned my peace into disaster, creating drama and breaking our hearts.

Still we have a place in this legendary love. We just never settled for what we were given.

If they only knew that our smiles hide a million love songs, all ours…Would they set us free?

What if you and me, warriors by nature, will one day decide to break the rules? To find real peace and real love. I’d be your run-away girl if you’d only be my shelter.

What if, one day, out of the blue, I’ll come looking for you, threatening to break your almost-perfect bubble of lies? 

Hey…are we still talking about love? You know, that sweet old-fashion notion…romantic, pure and harmless? 

No. We stopped talking about love long time ago.

It’s all about Freedom.