I wish I were your lover

I wish I were a poet, so that my metaphors could tame the beast inside you, the one who’s angrily biting from your loving heart, leaving you heartless…The poet died one more time tonight, along with all the beauty of its naked soul.

(I’m not a poet, my lyrics have no rhyme, my metaphors are trivial!)

I wish I were a writer, so that my stories could turn you into a fearless hero, so powerful and noble, the savior of our dying love…The writer threw another book into the fire, along with all its hopes for happy-endings.

(I’m not a writer, my stories lack a proper grammar, my intrigue is boring!)

I wish I were a scientist, so that my tears could have a healing power, sweetly melting this wall between us…The scientist turned its tears into acid, than drank this bitter cup of pain again and again.

(I’m not a scientist, my work has no value, no logic, no purpose at all!)

I wish I were a philosopher, so that my thoughts could be a meaningful answer to your endless search for more…The philosopher took an overdose of sarcasm, ending its searches with a self-proclaimed, self-sufficient truth.

(I’m not a philosopher, my thoughts are corny, pathetic and sugary sometimes!)

If Love is not what’s written in your eyes, what’s left for me to be?

I wish I were your lover, so that my body would be the sheet you need to write your poetry. You’d kiss my eyes when tears turn into acid, you’d promise thousands happy-endings! I’d be fulfillment, passion and perfection!

Then…I’d be yours.

 

 

 

Sweet sadness

There’s a little corner of my heart where memories linger like rain drops on the yellowed leaves. That’s where I’ll always know, no matter how I try to forget…

that days and nights go by and people are dying, killed by unknown

that tears fall helpless on the tired faces of our heroes

that children smile behind their windows, drawing rainbows and happy times

and we all became addicts of our smart devices!

There is a place inside my mind where I escape every time I need to cry. I keep there, like old photos in an album, all my precious moments. When life was more than a daily routine against death.

Today, an old lady asked for my help, she couldn’t read a poster on the wall. “That’s how it happens when you’re too small, too old and you keep forgetting the glasses!” she said. She wore no mask, no gloves, no protection. And she looked at me with hope.

“Please, I am not sick, I promise! Please read it for me…” so I did.

And it broke me. Not because of the little note, it meant nothing important! It was the light in her eyes, simply because I got close to her…it broke me because, normally, I would have hugged her. And I didn’t.

There is a voice inside me that I always try to silence. Today I couldn’t.

It told me that we’re failing somehow…

 

Can you hear me crying?

68281533_2631272606903364_8485486330300596224_nPages filled with angry words…metaphors for an agonizing love.

Rooms filled with hateful screams…expression of a dying passion.

Hearts filled with emptiness.

They asked us to stay isolated and we did it! Many years ago…

 

Today is different, my love. This tremble inside me -a sign that I’m still alive- reminds me of warmth, so I’ll just take my favorite blanket and wrap it around my bare feet, celebrating my sweet memories…

Tonight is special, my dearest. This salty taste of tears on my burning lips -a sign that I’m still awakened- reminds me of sweetness, so I’ll just take a glass of red wine and some of the finest dark chocolate, honoring the woman in me…

Right now…that’s all I have, my precious. This beautiful silence in my restless soul -a sign that I’m still blessed- reminds me of rising above pain and ashes, so I’ll just play my favorite love songs, commemorating our bitter-sweet story…

 

And, as darkness settles in, my beloved, I’ll cry for all the missed embraces, for all the words that never found their way between us. For you and me -the isolated ones- who murdered love in too many cruel ways. Forgive me for needing you that desperately.

Can you hear me crying, my love? I’m right here, on the other side of the wall…

 

 

 

Photo from my personal collection

When we pass the end…

62103707_2529420020421957_5456795974368231424_n

The bridge was waiting for me, ever since I opened my eyes to this ferocious world. I always knew…one day…you and me we’ll meet on that bridge. It’ll be our last day as lovers.

The echoes of its voice haunted my innocent years, a sign of the troubled waters I’m supposed to cross. I always felt…I have to stay safe, for you and me, for the divine love that unites our souls, even if one day…you’ll be standing on that bridge too. It’ll be my last day of torment.

The road was rocky, but it always guided me to the edge of the bridge. That’s where I’ll find you, that’s where I’ll cry. You’ll say nothing, but your silence will shout angry, horrible words. It’ll be your last day of hate.

We’ll be together, looking in each other’s eyes, on the doomed bridge. You’ll feel my weakness, so you’ll despise me even more, no matter how hard I plead for my life…you’ll still push me into the deep, dark waters…

That’s when we’re no longer lovers…

That’s when all my crying is done…

And you can’t hate me anymore.

So, here I am, on the edge of the bridge, this is the day meant to set us both free. My eyes are burning, but my heart is cold as ice, waiting for that last push into the unknown. Dreaming of a world where all the metaphors speak of miracles and love.

Here I am…the one that you used to love. Your best friend and the one you held through the roughest storms. Ready to face the abyss of your empty eyes. No guilt allowed, for you are doing it as a prove of kindness. A final one.

The bridge was always waiting, calling, haunting and alluring me. To sit on the edge of it, to count the paving tiles, to touch the old barricade that separates life from death. He always knew…it wont be my final day, not today, not here…

The bridge is old as time and lonely as the heart you deserted. He called you too, to meet me in the middle. To hold my hand and to carry me home…You never came.

So I turned my heart into a bridge…

 

 

Title inspired by the amazing song “When love kills love” by Scorpions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwaUeb0qc_Y

Photo from my personal collection.

 

 

 

Is there anyone out there?

canary-birds-indoor-hazards“Anyone at all?” she asked in a broken voice, but only the falling leafs seemed to answer to her calling. They flew around her, swirling and giggling in the wind’s turmoil. She was never that lonely, nor that eager to run into someone’s arms. Anyone’s arms…

She was a runaway, like so many others before her. Little birds, escaping golden cages, brave little creatures who craved for more than crumbles, they needed the rain and the rainbow, the sun and the lightnings, the love and the passion of being free!

This little bird always considered her story as being boring, common and flat. Nothing to complain about in her perfect little world. Nothing to dream about, for she never truly knew her needs and her desire. Hunger and thirst, cold and heated, desperate and euphoric…those were notions she only knew theoretically…

In a perfectly round cage, safety is a sure thing. That’s how her masters used to say and she learned gratitude by heart! That’s what kept her away the cold, dangerous, tormented, real world outside. She would never ask if she’s free to fly.

Freedom? Of course she’s free! Can’t you see that I never locked her in? Can’t you find the open door, sweet little bird? But she was violently shaking her little head in the palm of her keeper. NO! No open door would ever be more alluring than his fingers gently caressing her silky feathers.

So he acted neglectful and she became restless. Not only the little door of her golden cage, but also the big window of the his golden home…how many temptations is a little heart doomed to repress? If the enemy’s out there, in the big, wild world…then how come she’s so sad and lonely, right here, inside?

It was not the hand that fed her, it was not him to blame for this outcome…

It’s the eye that stopped seeing her beauty, it’s the ear that stopped hearing her songs, it’s the heart that stopped beating in the same rhythm as hers.

“Anyone at all? Anyone to love with everything in me? Anyone to care  for this crazy little bird? Just someone…anyone…”

She was just a runaway who, like so many others before her, disappeared under the starry sky. And we’ll never know…

if she found anyone at all…

or she went into the unknown, hungry and exhausted…

if she ever found her way back home…

or she just found an escape from the big wild cage we call REAL world…

if someone loved her to her last moments…

or another hunter loved to have in her a different kind of pray.

But there’s one thing I’m sure about: She wont be the last little bird who’s replacing an illusion for another. You, little bird, just like me, with struggling hearts, desperately kicking the walls of our golden cages…freedom…what an impossible dream…what a misfortune…

it’s in our human nature to fulfill it!

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.picturesboss.com/pictures/canary-bird-flying-0c.html

 

True love might fall from the sky

Broken-Mirror_Evening-Sky-Anscochrome

He’s thinking of me…I know it because, every time he does that, my heart becomes a restless bird, impatiently trying to escape her broken cage. It hurts every time he’s thinking of me…

He opens the window and the cold morning air awakens the tremble inside him. His empty arms embrace an imaginary body…mine. And, from worlds apart, the shiver inside me becomes unbearable. I’m freezing…every time he opens the window…

He turns on the radio, hoping to hear my favorite songs, but there are only tragedies. His fingers are wiping imaginary tears. We cried together, seeing the devastation inside our souls and he secretly wishes he would have the cure for every pain in this world. I still cry…every time he listens to a love song…

He smiles in the mirror, rehearsing the roles he’s going to play. The loving husband, the devoted father, the talented business man, the generous neighbor, the faithful christian, the rebel artist…Miles apart, masks are falling and walls are crushing down into my life. I break down…every time he fakes a smile…

He’s ignoring the voice that calls his name. He claims he doesn’t understand the question. He never shares the beauty he sees in the deep, blue sky. He’s deaf to the pleadings and blind to the tears that fall for him…

Insensitive to the love he’s given.

-Hey…what’s so interesting up there? There are only clouds! Come on, give me a hug…true love wont fall from the sky…

-Who knows…it might…

He’s laughing, there, in his world, while my broken heart becomes nothing but a fluffy, airy cloud, on the blue skies of his life.

He’s thinking of me…

He misses my warm body in the cold morning air…

He hears my voice in every love song on the radio…

He wishes he would be the hero in my every story…

This is how I lie to myself. Because I’m not miles away, in another world…I’m just  looking up to a completely different set of clouds, longing for him to hold me. No, this is not another story about a long-distance-relationship!

I’m right here, he’s near me. We’re holding hands…galaxies apart.

 

 

I found the image at: http://jamesharrisgallery.com/artists

Title inspired by the song “Milk and Toast and Honey” by Roxette https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI8TXgDJ09s

Dancing angels…

41135318_2101531456544151_7367255590076153856_nThe dancing angels in the sky,

A heart so hurt could never lie,

A love so true can’t say goodbye

When all was meant for you and I!

 

The dancing angels spoke to me:

Just let him go, just set him free!

Time is a healer, you will see,

And you’re no good, don’t you agree?

 

Oh, dancing angels, yes! I know!

For I’m a wreck, nothing to show,

A broken soul that cannot glow,

So…for his happiness, I’ll go…

 

Please pray for me, as years go by,

I want your eyes to never cry

A single tear for you and I…

For you are loved beyond goodbye!

Beyond the highest starry sky…

 

The dancing angels called my name

My wild, lost soul, they want to tame!

And I refused, in tears of shame,

‘Cause Paradise isn’t the same!

without you…

 

And Supergirls don’t cry!

sad_supergirl_by_yon_miyu-d6vrib5

Lying on the red, soft pillows, my mind is embracing the sweet, blissful euphoria, unable to create a single logical thought. Only sensations…like the warmth of my skin on the silky sheets, or your lips on my bare shoulders…it feels somehow unfair, but I can only smile, I can only feel…this “here and now” that people call “dream” and I call heaven…

In this “here and now”, this reality that we created in the name of love, passion, lust and desire, no one loses. You’re so close to me, like never before, and our love is not a frail shadow, but a burning light. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable with you, to let you hear my soft responses…“you make me so happy…”.

I whispered the words and you, with that boldly smile on your face, you ask me if you’re that good. Then you kiss my blushed cheeks and my bright eyes, the lips that are thirsting for you, the body that’s longing to feel you, again and again…the heart that has never felt so whole…

There’s no secret that I want you like no other man was ever desired…and there’s no lie in my pleading for more…we’re not breaking rules and we’re not crossing boundaries, we were meant to be one…So why do I see a shadow in your eyes? Scared and worried, you try to tell me that we need to go…

Oh, I’m not going anywhere, I just found my home and my shelter, here in your arms!

“But, darling, they’re coming…”

I don’t believe you and I’m not afraid. You don’t know, but, in the other “here and now”, in (what they call) real life, I already lost you, you already turned into a stranger. I faced the worse fight – the fight for your love – and I lost! Nothing scares me because there’s nothing left for me to lose.

You seem distracted and you cannot relate with my words. Are we okay? You and me… I ask feverishly and my heart is one beat away from desperation. You caress my hair.

“Sweet love, the danger comes from the outside, not from you-and-me…”

Not from the inside…I take a deep breath and I’m alive again! See, you’re safe with me…I’m a warrior by nature and that’s the thing I know the best! That’s what I do on a daily basis, I fight demons, ghosts, shadows, temptations! I’m strong and I’m skilled!

I can cross through fire! I can survive the acid rain! I’m faster than the thunders! I’m fearless when it comes to facing evil! I can even move mountains! I defeated death more than one time! I’m The Supergirl! Why don’t you believe me?

What I can’t do…the one thing I’ll never learn…and maybe I’m too sensitive, or childish, or simple, or boring…but I’ll never be able…

To make YOU love me…So please, don’t send me back, to the other “here and now”, to what they call “reality”, where you don’t love me anymore…where there’s no home and no shelter…

But it’s too late and, again, fear was stronger than love.

So, here I am, looking at you, my handsome man, elegant and distant, polite and cold, always sure of yourself, always taking us for granted. Here I am, trying to tell you about this crazy dream I just had, with you and me, making love on red, silky pillows.

“So, do you want to have sex? Is this what’s all about?”

The distance, the anger, the contempt in your voice…NO, absolutely NOT! This is NOT what’s all about!

“Ok, honey, see you later then.” and you kiss me on my pale cheek.

And my heart has never felt so broken. But I’ll be okay…I’m The Supergirl.

 

 

I found the image at: https://www.deviantart.com/yon-miyu/art/Sad-Supergirl-416148593

So here I am, on bended knees

e873e8ec2912c1db31d8311311a17b3a-d4p3kao“I don’t remember how I got here, the paths I took, the dangers I ignored, the demons I fought…but here I am. To tell you how wrong I was, to hope and pray you’ll listen to the words that sound like damnation…”

The little church was dark and small, hidden deep in the heart of the forest and my knees were hurting, my heart was aching and the regrets were burning inside me.

“I feel I don’t have time and I need it…because I still have love and I still feel life. I’m here, on bended knees…to ask for one more day. I’m not ready, Lord!”

And that’s all I’m able to say before falling. The pain in my heart becomes unbearable, my knees are shaking so badly, it’s cold, it’s dark, it’s….

…a demon or a ghost…a spirit caught between worlds or just…

…him. This touch on my shoulders and the way he’s taking me in his arms. The dark flames in his eyes. And me…I don’t know how I got here, I don’t know who I am anymore…all I know is that I cannot breath without him. Christian…

Don’t cry, don’t…It will be alright. A long life is waiting ahead and not any life. A life of love, a wonder after another. New places…the world! All yours. Say you want it, that’s all it takes!

“I do…”

Come with me. I’ll give you everything you ever dreamed of!

“Love…”

And freedom. And beauty and fun. An easy life, away from the coldness of this church. A life in the sun, discovering the most amazing places of this earth. 

My knees still hurt and I feel like falling asleep.

Stay with me…you’ll never have to kneel again. You’ll never beg for forgiveness, you’ll never cry desperate tears of pain and loneliness. You will be gone for them, forever gone…

“How…if I love them? If I want them with me always…How will I ever be happy without my family?”

I will be your family, you’ll be so loved that you’ll forget all about the past. They’ll forget you…people disappear all the time, for how long do you think they’ll search for you? One year?

“One lifetime. Then another one…”

Silly girl…they’ll cry a few days, mourn another few days. They’ll pray for about a week, they’ll be sad for about a month. One year they’ll remember you through holidays. Then nothing.

His words cut like a knife.

“You don’t love me, Christian. If you would, you’d know how much you’re hurting me.”

He looks down.,

This is my way of loving you. This is how I’m protecting you. Why do you think you’re here? You cannot remember how you got here, so how will you go back home? Completely helpless, defenseless and lost. Will you fight your own heart?

“I will make the right choice.”

And I wake up in tears.

…knowing now, for sure, that he never truly left, I never really let him go…

…wrong place, wrong time, wrong actors. No second chances, no other life to right the wrong. So, even if it hurts, here I am, on bended knees…

…searching for my way out of the darkness. And making the right choices.

 

 

 

All credits for the image to https://foreverdream313.deviantart.com/art/The-Fire-in-Your-Eyes-284021376

 

 

Blessed be the ones seeking for peace!

7178222_orig-If peace is what you’re seeking, you’re in the worst place possible! So say the words, tell me, once again, how I broke your heart!”

“You never broke my heart, I need you to know this. It was already broken when I met you, beyond repair, beyond second chances. I…”

-Are you done? Is it over? What’s wrong with you, that you’re always punishing yourself, instead of simply moving on? Why do you think I left you? Do you ever ask yourself why?

“Because you got bored, I guess. What seemed to be an innocent game turned into tragedy and resentment. You left when I stopped idolizing you.”

-I left because my simple presence seemed to hurt you. I loved you, but I can’t live my life walking on egg shells with you! I am not your super-hero, I am not all mighty. I cannot heal a lifetime of hurt!

“You are just a shadow. And even now, you’re still hiding your eyes. Are you afraid of me?”

-Yes. You are self-destructive and you don’t value your own life. You’re chasing me, hunting me! You repeat words that hurt me! I destroyed you, I get it, I’m a scum bag, I’m a bastard. I never deserved your love. Happy now? Do you feel revenged?

“I’m not here to get my revenge, God will take care of this for me…I’m here…”

-Why? 

“To forgive you and to set you free. You don’t have to hide anymore. Find the light, walk in the sun, be more than a cheater and a liar. More than a coward.”

He came one step closer and I saw him shaking so violently that I was afraid he might break in pieces. His fragility had something repulsive and frightening at the same time.

-Do you want to see? Is that what you came for? To see my eyes? The real me? 

And I couldn’t resist the temptation. To actually see the eyes of the man I called “shadow” all this time.

I did it. I looked at him.

Some things are not meant to be seen or understood. Some stories are not meant to be told. Some love letters better be burned into eternal flames! For what I saw was not a man. Was not a shadow.

I loved a demon. And he loved me back.

Tears fell on the piece of paper where she wrote one final chapter of her story. Is this how it ends? But she couldn’t answer. Her mind was already lost, chasing voices, dancing with fears and nightmares, crossing the silver bridge, becoming a shadow herself.

And me…and my story…my love and my revenge…my forgiveness and my redemption…

God will take care of them all. For He is my peace…

 

 

 

All credits for the image to https://cejordanphotography.weebly.com/light-shadows–reflections.html